Monsters (1988–1990): Season 1, Episode 5 - My Zombie Lover - full transcript

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[FATHER SIGHS]

[EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE]

[UTENSILS CLATTERING]

Honey, it's family hour,

there must be something on.

DAUGHTER:
Oh, wow, Candied Critters!

[FATHER EXCLAIMS]

Oh, Great. It's Monsters,
our favorite show!

[MONSTROUS LAUGH]



Shh, it's starting.

[MONSTROUS LAUGH]

[FATHER CHUCKLES]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[RAIN PATTERING]

All done.

Wonderful, dear.
I'll be just a moment.

Brad, you had
some appetite tonight.

You must really
like my meatloaf.

Barfola! But I don't
wanna starve to death.

Oh, honey.

[SARCASTICALLY] I hope I don't
bother you with this hammering.

Oh, I'm sorry, Brad,
did you say something?

I can't believe
I have such a dorky
bookworm for a sister.



Bradley Lamesh,
watch your tongue.

Come on, Marge.
We're late.

Yeah, it'd be a real shame
if someone else killed
all the zombies this year.

It's everyone's responsibility
to shoot zombies on
the night of the dead, son.

Dear, why do corpses
rise from their grave
each year in our town?

Well, some say
it was an ancient gypsy curse.

Some say atomic testing.

Some say shoddy
embalming techniques.

But the corpses come up,
and they eat people.

So, we gotta shoot them.

Yeah, why don't you just shoot
everyone who's ideas
you don't agree with.

Zombies are our enemies.
We kill our enemies.

Yeah, well,
they maybe dead,
but they still have rights.

Well, I think it's lovely
the way you take an interest
in your father's work.

Aren't you going to
come with us, Dottie?

Oh no, thanks, mom.
I'm just gonna
stay here and read.

BRAD: What a family!

Dad goes off
to shoot innocent dead people,

mom serves cider and
brownies to the hunters,

and my sister lies around
like a pile of jelly.

Now, Brad,
Dottie only has
a week off from college.

If she doesn't
wanna kill zombies,

or protest zombie killers,
she doesn't have to.

Now, Patootie,

why don't you go
and visit some of
your old high school friends?

What friends?
Dottie doesn't
have any friends.

No, I don't.

DAD: Let's go, Marge.

Princess, we'll be gone
for a few hours.

The kitchen door
is boarded up.

Don't let anyone in.

Dad, I've been
living here all my life.

I know about zombies, okay?

Is there enough
to eat in the house, Dottiecan?

Mom!

All right.
I'm just making sure.

No child of mine
should ever be hungry.

Try serving
some decent food.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[GASPING]

Who is it?
Paul.

Paul?

Paul Nichols.

PAUL: From Bay North High...
French class!

Paul Nichols?

Um, okay,
just a sec.

[DOTTIE SCREAMING]

PAUL: Dottie?
[SCREAMS]

PAUL: Dottie?

[BANGING ON DOOR]

PAUL: Dottie?

[BANGING ON DOOR]

PAUL: Dottie?

MAN: Hello and welcome
to the zombie hotline.

Your first line of defense
against the undead.

For zombies approaching
your house, press one.

For zombies
in your house,
press two.

For zombies
eating your body,
press three.

Thank you.
An operator will be
with you shortly.

[RING TONE]

[BANGING ON DOOR]

PAUL: Dottie?

[BANGING CONTINUES]

Yes?

PAUL: Could you
open the door?

Uh...

Oh, you want me
to open the door.

Okay, here I go.

I'll just... um...
open it.

Can I come in?

[HESITANTLY] Uh... sure...
come on in.

Come right on in.

No problem.
Go ahead. Come in.

Aren't you gonna
shut the door?

Um...
[GASPING]

These are for you.

Oh... thank you.
How lovely! Flowers!

Thanks so much.
Nice seeing you.

Would you mind
if I sit down?

Uh...

Sure... absolutely...
Have a seat.

Would you like
something to drink?

Oh gosh, oh golly,
there is nothing in the house.

Say I've got a great idea.
Why don't I go out
and get something?

Yeah, I'll go out,
I'll get some drinks.
And you, stay right here.

Okay?
Okay.

No.

No?

No, it's not polite.

Maybe we should
just sit down.

Uh...
[GASPS]

Uh...
[HESITANTLY] I'm sorry.

You're beautiful
when you scream.

Dope.

[GASPING]

Paul?

Why are you here?

You don't remember me,
do you?

Paul Nichols, French class.

Um...

Wait...

There was a Paul Nichols
in my French class,

but he was killed
in a car accident...

I remember you.

The funny guy.

Uh... yeah.

I said a few things.

Madam Caposi always
used to yell at me.

She sure did!
She picked on you
like crazy.

But you were funny.

Oh, you were...
you did that
imitation of her.

That wasn't any good.

Oh, it was!
That was right out hysterics!

Oh. could you do it?

Oh...

Oh, come on. Please?

Monsieur Nichols...

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Monsieur Nichols...

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

That's incredible!
That is her!

I never thought
you liked it.

Why not?

Because you're so smart.

Well, I did.
I thought you were funny.

Thank you.

I came because
I wanted to meet you.

Well, Paul,
that's very nice,

but why didn't
you say anything...

before.

'Cause I was too shy.

But now that I have
a second chance, I'm gonna
do what I couldn't before.

Today is the first day
of the rest of my death.

I wish I could be like you.

You do?

I'm in my
first semester in college,

and everything's horrible.

I don't talk to anybody
and nobody talks to me.

I'm so lonely.

You? Lonely?

But you're beautiful.

[SCOFFS] Yeah, right.

You are!

You are... to me.

DOTTIE: I hated
high school, too.

I didn't mind the classes
but doing any of the activities
scared me out of my mind.

PAUL: Tell me about it.

Every time you try to
get a good attitude going.

This year I'm not
going to be a dork.

So you come back from vacation
and you're feeling great.

cause you're really different,
and soon,
everyone's gonna see it.

And you walk into class,
and some guy says, "Hi, dork."

Oh, Paul...

Sweetie...

Paul... [GIGGLING]

Paul?

Paul, what are you?

[SCREAMING] Oh, Paul,
you're hurting me.

[GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

[CRYING]

Sorry.

Sorry?

You tried to eat me!

I'm sorry, it's just...
I'm really hungry!

That's disgusting.

Sweetie,
you got to understand.

I've been dead since July,
and this is the one night
of the year I get to eat.

I didn't mean to.

You of all people.

I love you, Dottie!

Oh, right.
You really love me.

How could I have
been so stupid!

What was I thinking?

We can never
have a relationship.

To you, I'd always be
part girlfriend-part dinner.

I know you zombies.
You only have
one thing on your mind!

That's not true!

I'm not like the others.

Oh, Dottie,
how can I make it up to you?

How can I prove
I won't eat you?

Keep away!

Oh, my god!

Dottie, will you marry me?

You don't want
my hand in marriage!
You want it in a sandwich!

How can you say that!

I made a mistake.
I went too far.

Please...

Don't take away the only
good thing I've ever had.

I'm sorry, Paul.

I really am.

But, no.
No, I won't marry you.

Is it 'cause I'm dead?

No!

It's just that we're in
different places right now.

I like you. I like you a lot.

But what you want
can never be.

We're just too different.

I think you better go.

Dottie, could you
do me a favor?

That depends.

I'd like to remember
that you and I were friends.

It would mean
a lot to me.

I'd like to know
it really happened.

So...

Can I...

sign your yearbook?

Oh, Paul.

Okay.

Of course.
I'll go get it.

DAD: What's this?

The door is open!

Oh, my god!

Dottie!

You zombie bastard!

Dad!

Princess!
She's alive!

Stay back!
I've got him.

No!
No!

Get down!

[SCREAMING]

PAUL: You killed her.

It was an accident.

Yes. You wanted to kill me.

I thought you'd
eaten my daughter.

I loved your daughter.

You loved her?

I've made
a terrible mistake.

And it's all due to
my fanatical hatred
of your kind.

Where was it written
that humans and zombies
must be enemies?

We too have been guilty
or irrational fear and hatred.

Perhaps,
one day in the future,

zombies and livers
will be at peace.

Livers?

We call you "livers."

Look!

Dottican!

It's not morning, yet.
It's still the
night of the dead!

Sweetie!

Paul! Darling!

Oh, gross!
They're in love.

Barfola!

Bradley.

I can't believe
you letting that
ugly monster kiss Dottie!

Uh...
perhaps we should be going.
Honey?

I thought you liked zombies.

Just cause they have rights,
doesn't mean I like them.

They're stupid, ugly,
slimy, gross,
barfola monsters!

You know, son,
monsters aren't just
things that look ugly.

Monsters can be people
who act ugly,
who think ugly.

That's really
great philosophy, dad.

That's barfola philosophy!

Um, well, okay.

Very nice meeting you,
Mr. and Mrs. Lamesh.

You okay, sweetie?

Oh, sure. I'm great.

Well, actually,
I guess I'm a little hungry.

No...

No, really. I have this
tremendous craving for fresh...

meat.

Come on, sweetie.
We don't want to
wear out our welcome.

Paul, don't be silly!

Yeah, get out!
I never wanna see
your ugly faces again.

Bradley,
that's your sister.

Dotticans, I've never let you
leave this house hungry,

and I'm not about
to start now.

We'll just
raid the refrigerator.

Thanks mom and dad!
Aren't they wonderful?

Great! Don't kill them.

Give them a banquet.

I just realized
there's no meat
left in the house.

No problem.

We'll kill the neighbors.
Yeah, we'll kill the neighbors
and feed them to the zombies.

Please,
don't trouble yourselves.

We'll eat out.

Marge...

Isn't there something
you can rustle up
for these kids?

You know, dear,
now that you mention it...

I think there is some
fresh meat in the house!

No, there isn't.

It's all gone.

And the zombies will starve
unless we kill the neighbors.

'Cause that's
what zombies need...
the human flesh.

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]