Monsters (1988–1990): Season 1, Episode 16 - Their Divided Self - full transcript

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[FATHER SIGHS]

[EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE]

[UTENSILS CLATTERING]

Honey, it's family hour,

there must be something on.

DAUGHTER:
Oh, wow, Candied Critters!

[FATHER EXCLAIMS]

Oh, Great. It's Monsters,
our favorite show!

[MONSTROUS LAUGH]
[SHUSHING]



It's starting.

[MONSTROUS LAUGH]

[THUNDERING]

[PIANO PLAYING]

[COUGHS]

[CACKLING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Oh, Mr. James, Mr. Robert.
They're here.

Oh, Lord. How'd they find
their way tonight?

[KNOCKING]

I'm coming,
hold your ponies.

It is a bad night
for driving, Miss Elegy.

I'm thinking it has just begun.



Velma, this is Dr. Blackman.

We both drove up
at the same time.

Oh, I was wondering
if you'd come, doc,

I know it's a bit
out of your way.

Well, I don't normally
make house calls.

But I'm such
a big fan of theirs.

Oh, that's nice.

Mr. James!

Mr. Robert!

Miss Elegy is here
with the doctor.

[GROANING]

Hm, they're moping again.

But not to worry.

You know, Mr. Robert was not
too pleased about your coming.

But Mr. James will bring him
around in a bit.

Now can I get a cup of tea
for the two of you?

Yeah, sure.

Well, I can see
why your relationship
with the salesman speech

is a little bit
out of the ordinary.

Well, I was with them before
they were in the show business

and I really want you
to understand that.

I know that.
I'm not just some groupie.

God knows when you get to be
as famous as they are

everybody wants
a piece of you.

And yet, they gave it all up.

Why?

Well...

Robert was never
really happy on the road.

He couldn't adjust to it
as well as James and...

after a while
he just couldn't take it.

They couldn't work together,

God knows they couldn't work
separately, so they came home.

Doctor...

I swear to you,
I love both of them dearly.

But I'm on my last legs.

I have rights
and feelings, too.

I may be just some lady
who works behind the desk.

But I'm not gonna be anybody's
emotional punching bag.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

They're sulking.

To be more precise, Robert is.

Oh, sure, sure,
Robert this, Robert that.

Why don't the both of you go
back out and soak your heads?

Despite appearances
to the contrary,

there is at least
one person in this room,

with a proper sense
of comportment.

Comportment,
what is that mean?

Why do you always
use words I don't understand?

I hate it when you do that.

If I try to communicate using
words that you understood,

the only thing I could talk to
would be Coco the chimp.

Just stop it, can't you?

BOTH: Tell him to stop it!

Mr. Self, Mr. Self.

I'm here to help you.

Let me into your lives.

Hm? Let's work together
on this thing.

Let's work through this thing.

What do you say, guys?

Drop dead and rot.

JAMES: You hear that doctor?

You know, you probably think
we're a sophisticated act,

a supper-club act.

Well, you know,
what my brother's
idea of funny is?

Vulgar noises.

You know what I have
to say about that?

[BLOWS RASPBERRIES]
Oh!

Open war.

ELEGY: Robert,
I know how angry you are.

If I ever meant
anything to you,

please just try and call it
a truce, just for tonight.

Please, will you try?

I will, if James will.

James!

Well, I already said I will.

So...

come on out.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, at last we meet, uh,

face to face.

BOTH: To face.

It-it's so great
to meet you guys.

I'm not ready for that yet.

Would it kill you
to be polite?

ROBERT: He's just a greedy,
cranium crunching hound.

That's a great line.
Write it yourself?

Where you get the crayons?
From the kids next door.

That's great.
That's just...

Which one is in control now?

Neither, they're both
working together.

ELEGY: It's the only way
they do anything good.

These days the only time
they cooperate

is when
they're playing the piano.

No, no, no. You've had
too many drinks tonight.

Oh, you never could
hold your liquor.

No, I...

BOTH: Ah!

Guys, guys, we were talking
about your adopted father.

JAMES: Yes, Dr. Self.

Dr. Self always wanted
to adopt a two-headed baby.

And so, he brought us
to his mansion,

and he raised us
as a father would.

Yeah.
Well, he played ball with us.

He played ball with you.

Played ball with us,
you were the glove hand.

And he educated us,
or at least he tried to.

And then he died.

And we inherited his fortune.

And the furniture.

Yes.

And nobody else
knew you existed.

Just Velma.

She really raised us.

Well now, here we are.

Oh, Mr. James, Mr. Robert.

Decided to rejoin
the living I see.

Tea, Miss Elegy?

Did you hear
what Velma just said?

Mr. James first,

then Mr. Robert.

James first, me second.

Heavens, that old song again.

The only reason I do it

is because the old cradle I kept
them in was up against the wall.

Mr. James was on the outside,
so I got into the habit

of feeding
and talking them that way.

Just habit, nothing else.

Now, if I said Mr. Robert first,

you just turn around and say
you saving the best for last.

Oh, sure, sure, you don't care
more about James.

Ah, doctor, Miss Elegy,
if you need me,

just give me a shout.

So, Miss Kaiser I'm curious
to know how you two, uh...

BOTH: Three.

...met.

Well...

Dr. Self passed away,

and left them all his money.

And Mr. Winters
he was Dr. Self's lawyer...

He, uh, called the twins in,

and he had no idea
about, you know, who did.

So, I was his, uh,
secretary at the time,

and I heard them come in,
but I didn't look up.

And, then I did.

Well, Elegy, I thought,
this is what you get

for taking all those drugs
in the 60s.

But they were real.

They even had
an appointment.

You know, I realized, well,

maybe they are
more scared of me,

than I was of them.
And, it made them human.

You know, real.

You see, this was
our first trip to town.

Was our first trip anywhere.

And there's when you two,
three, started...

you know, seeing each other.

I know it sounds silly to say,
but I fell in love with them.

Yeah, with James.

ELEGY: No, with both of you.

And they both asked me
to marry them.

But you refused.

I asked them
what they planned to do.

I'd always worked for a living.

They didn't,
they didn't need to.

Maybe that was okay
with them,

but it wasn't okay with me.

I told them, if they
wanted to marry me,

they had to somehow make
their way in the real world.

JAMES: Boy, did they ever.

DOCTOR: You guys,
I grew up with you guys.

I mean, I...
the bunk bed sketch...

I wrote that.
I wrote that.

Do you remember
our Tango sketch?

Ha-ha.

I wrote that.

You gave yourself
all the good lines.

Well, if you didn't like them,
why didn't you write something?

Because you can't
write anything.

Didn't I give you
the part of my parrot,

in the Long John
Silver sketch?

Yes, I did.
You see, the thing is
he can't write anything.

He doesn't know
how to write.

He's no sense of construction.

He has no sense of pace,
no sense of rhythm. Nothing.

All he can do,
that he thinks is funny

is make these vulgar noises.

He goes, pff...
[MIMICKING JAMES]
when he wants to,

He goes, pff...
[BLOWS RASPBERRIES]

That's what he does.
I hate when he does that.
I hate that.

Come on, why are we even
talking to this head shrinker?

Didn't you have enough "yes men"
on the road telling you
what you wanted to hear?

Yes, I did.

And the difference between me
and you is I knew
how to pick a yes man.

Your yes man
kept saying, "Maybe, maybe.

Hey, look,
it wasn't me that asked
for separate agents.

Well, I wasn't the one to ask
for separate dressing rooms.

I wasn't the one who demanded
separate make-up man.

I wasn't the one who asked
for separate choreographers.

I wasn't the one who asked
for separate bathroom.

I wasn't the one who demanded
separate hair-dressers.

My hair's
got a special texture.

Hey, fellas, fellas,
fellas, ugh...

Okay, obviously
there are some strong

feeling on both sides.

Miss Kaiser,
maybe you can tell me
what happened then?

You wanted the guys

out in the real world,
on their own,

which they did
very successfully.

Then what happened?

Well, it was at the end
of their 20 city tour,

about eight months ago,

I'd been keeping in touch

as much as I could,
in going to see them.

And then one night,

in the hotel room,
they proposed again.

My left foot.

What happened exactly?

Wanna know
what happened that night?

Yeah, what happened?

Elegy came in,

and James said, "Marry me."

Not us, him.

You know, what she said?

She said, "Yes."

To him.

I meant yes
to both of you.

That's funny.
Did I ask you that night?

Did you discuss it with me?

Huh, why bother?

It's just old
go along Robert.

Oh, yeah,
and that's the great problem.

Isn't it?
It's not does he love her,

or does she love him?

Oh, no, no, no.

This man, who eats, he eats
fried rice with his fingers,

is worried about etiquette.

Well, I know what we should
have done, Robert.

I should've just walked
right over to you

and said, "Oh, Robert, old man,

what say we call up Elegy
and ask her to marry us."

How about that? What say, huh?
Oh, drop that lousy act.

It's an affectation.

DOCTOR: James, Robert.

I mean, it's obvious that
there's some very deep seeded
negative feelings here.

Hmm, and it's seated
right over here.

James.

I think a large part
of your brother's frustration

comes from the fact that he's,

he's unable to express
himself verbally.

So, do something
for me, Robert.

I want you to express
your feelings,

toward your brother
nonverbally.

Let's-let's be puppets,
let's be like non-aggressive,

l-love puppets.

This is stupid.

It's okay to feel
the way you feel

it's okay to show your feelings
toward your brother,
nonverbally.

So, do it.
Act him out.

Oh!

He said nonverbally.

Oh!

Okay, how's that?

This is for elementary school.
Ah!

[BOTH GROANING]

This is good,
we're working. Yeah.

This is very productive.

We're working
through this.

Would you please shut up
and help me?

Okay. No, this is
a very good thing
they're doing here.

DOCTOR: Let's just hope...
Get over here.

I'll kill you son of a...

Don't say anything
about our mother.

I've had it!

[BOTH GROANING]

It's done.

I'm leaving.

Elegy, no.

Elegy, Elegy,
please don't leave.

We can work it out.
You know we can.

The three of us,
like the old days.
We can work it out.

This is between the two of you.

Until you settle
with your own selves,

there's no place here for me.

Robert, tell Elegy to stay.

You're the one
who talks so good,

what you need me for?

Please, Elegy.

JAMES: Please stay.

Yeah, that was good.
Oh, shut up.

Robert and James,

I will always love you.

Goodbye.

Elegy, please,
please don't go.

You know what you are?

You're a spoiler,
that's what you are.

You see someone else's life
working and you have to wreck it

because you can't make
your own life work.

Well, I want you to know
that I am fed up with you.

I'm not gonna let you
turn my life

into a shamble.

Yeah, what you gonna do
about it, big shot?

[SHATTERING]

Wanna play rough, huh?

Guys what's the point
of it, huh?

You trying to kill yourselves,
is that it?

No, just one of us.

[BOTH GASPING]

Hey, guys.

What's wrong?

Just what I expected,
now you've gone and done it.

Huh, come you two,
you must let go.

[BOTH GASPING]

They're suffocating.

You got two brains
controlling one set of lungs.

They got to work together
just to breathe.

They get all excited
and worked up
fighting one another,

and this is what happens.

Mr. James, Mr. Robert,

please let go!

[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

Come along, doc,
help me get them up to bed.

[THUNDERING]

[BOTH SNORING]

Hm, they'll be
all right for now.

But it's always the next time
I worry about.

Can I stay with them
for a minute?

Suit yourself.

Possible book title,

"He's not much,
but he's all I have,

baby."

[WHISPERING] Doctor.

I've got a metaphysical
question for you.

What would happen if one of us
should suddenly die?

Well, given our past experience
with Siamese twins, I...

wouldn't hold on much hope
for the remaining entity.

Is that what you thinking?

Uh, who am I kidding? We're both
thinking about it all the time.

James, listen,
if we work together I know
that we can find an answer.

I mean,
I am fascinated by the fact,

that two people could be
so closely linked together

and have such
ineffective communication.

Wh-wh... don't wake him up.

You're not gonna start
playing those games
with him again, are you?

I mean, the love puppet
thing was a disaster.

James, listen,

you gonna have to face
the fact that no matter
what your brother thinks,

no matter what he feels,

you're gonna have
to live with him, okay.

Yes, I know, but...

Oh, you talking
behind my back?

No, no, we're talking,

really, behind your side.

Is this the answer
to our problem, huh?

Another paid stooge.

Another gargoyle groupie,

who just wants a piece of us?

You have to believe that
I'm somebody who sincerely
wants to help you.

But, in order to do that,
you have to trust me
completely, okay?

When you're like us,
the world is full of people
who wanna use you.

Who want a piece of you.

JAMES: But don't you think
I'm sick of it, too?

That's why Elegy
was so special to me.

You see,
even he doesn't understand.

You don't know what it's like to
be second best in your own body.

That's what it all
boils down to, does it?

It's always the same thing.

I can't help it,
if I was the smartest,

if I was the cleverest,
if I was the cutest.

The cutest?
Well, okay.

Well, you were the cutest.

But, I mean, you act
as if it was all my fault!

Look, I don't like
this situation, either.

Sometimes I wish
we'd never been born.

You wanna end it? End it!

You've killed off
everything else
that's near and dear to me,

so end it.
Because if you don't, I will.

Because I cannot endure it
anymore.
Yak, yak, yak!

Oh, stop biting
your fingernails.

Have your lawyer
call my lawyer.

That's my line
and you know it.

It is from the Christmas special
of 1986, the divorce sketch.

James, Robert,
please, not again.

Jesus, I oughta kill you.

Yeah, you and what arm?

Oh, that's also my line from
the Easter special of 1987.

[BOTH CHOKING]

Gentlemen,

I think you need more help than
I can give you here tonight.

Come back to Boston
with me, okay?

We'll work together,
daily basis.

Free of charge.

BOTH: Free of charge?

Let's work through these
destructive neurosis
together, okay?

It'll be good for you,
it'll be good for me.

BOTH: Good for you?

Oh, yeah, the publicity.

I'm convinced
that there's a book in this,

probably a bestseller.

Paperback, hardback?

He's more two-faced
than we are.

[CHUCKLES]

Now that is a good line.

Thanks.
Your welcome.

You got a percentage gift
and you'll have final approval.

And there's one thing
I've learned...
Mental health pays.

I can see you're angry,
that's very good.

That's very good.
You're transferring your anger
to a father figure,

that's good, come to papa.
Come to papa!

[DOCTOR SCREAMING]

Oh, boy, we are making
some progress.

That's good.
That's good.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Boy, where does the time go?
What do you say guys...
We just...

We just take a week,
a month, a year.

[STAMMERS]
Was that an antique?
I didn't mean to...

[BOTH GRINNING]

You got a lot of energy,
you guys.

Oh, I like this suit.

Is that wool?
You know, that suit...

It's really well...

What, are we getting
some fresh air here?

[MUMBLING]

[STAMMERS]
I love you, guy... Whoa.

Ha, that's a quite a view.

Ho-ho, what a view!

[LAUGHING WICKEDLY]

Oh, no... [STAMMERS]

[DOCTOR SCREAMING]

I swear, I suppose
you boys are happy now.

You know, in a way, Dr. Blackman
did bring us together.

Ooh, together,
together for a murder!

Together against the world.

It's the only way for us.

Till' death do us part.

Sorry about taking us
off the road.

And about Elegy.

Oh, that's all right
about that night.

If you like,
we can always call her again.

Nah.

Let's call those triplets
from Ohio.

Well, now,
don't that sound nice.

I suppose you two just forgot
we got a dead doctor outside.

Don't you think it might arouse
a little idle curiosity?

What are the police
going to say?

The police will be fine.

They don't throw
celebrities in jail.

Oh!

Yeah, only normal people.

[LAUGHING CUNNINGLY]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]