Monarch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Death and Christmas - full transcript
Previously on Monarch...
- You stole mama's song!
- You mean before you could?
Of course you helped Mama die.
You're just like her.
Wade, you got a song for me?
My style does tend
more towards the, uh...
Lovesick young cowboy?
Jamie Burke, producer
out of Atlanta.
Yeah, charmed.
Nicky,
you're so talented.
I want you to know it really is
a pleasure meeting you.
I feel terrible
doing this to Gigi.
That's what
you said last time.
How far along are you?
Luke doesn't even know yet.
Dottie was being blackmailed.
$50,000 a month, every month.
You tell 'em that Albie Roman
ain't paying 'em another cent.
It's done.
Pretty as the day
I first met you.
You are too sweet.
Come on, sugar.
Right in there.
Thank you.
I got here as quick as I could.
Any luck figuring out who
these blackmailers are?
Like I said, they're pros.
Communication's airtight.
End-to-end encryption,
asymmetric algorithms.
In English.
They're ciphers.
Impossible to trace.
Then I want you to
set up a meeting.
What? No, Albie...
I want to meet these
vultures in person.
And look 'em in the eye.
They're gonna pay for
the pain they caused her.
Albie, I don't think
you understand.
These people are dangerous.
Here's what you
don't understand.
So am I.
Excuse me, what are
you doing in here? Hey!
Clive!
Well, I'm making a ginger
and turmeric smoothie.
They say it improves your mood.
Well, it is certainly
not improving mine.
Do you think two weeks in the
guest house is gonna, like,
make me forget who you are?
Actually, the time apart's
been quite the revelation.
See, we all knew
that your mother
had terminal cancer, but, uh...
I always wondered...
how she passed so quickly.
And now I know.
You killed her.
I did not kill her.
And I have the proof.
Oxycodone, Nick, which
you gave to her, no doubt.
I helped her open the
bottle is what I did.
That's a distinction
known only to you, me,
and Dottie... God rest her soul.
What do you want?
Penthouse suite,
200 grand walking-around money.
Ah, to start.
Are you insane? It's
what she wanted.
Or maybe you wanted
to be Queen of Country
just a little bit sooner
than Dottie was ready
to relinquish the crown.
It's hot as hell.
Somebody please
remind me why we shoot
the Roman Family Christmas
special in July again?
You know why.
'Cause Christmas
was your mama's
favorite holiday,
and this way she could
have it twice a year.
And so a Roman
tradition was born.
Fake Christmas.
Which brings us to
why we're all here.
We are gonna be filming the
special all week, and viewership
has been a little off lately.
No kidding. This
show is so dated.
All we're missing is VCRs
and "Re-elect Reagan" spots.
It may be old-fashioned, but
Mama loved tradition, so...
You know what else
Mama liked? Ratings.
So why don't we bring this show
into the 21st century?
You know, maybe update it
- for the under-80 crowd.
- Spoken like a true millennial.
Are you two still mad at
each other over the rodeo?
- I'm not mad at her.
- Why would she be?
She's the one who stole my song.
And now it's number
one on Spotify.
Technically, it was Mama's song.
Technically, you're a thieving,
backstabbing bitch.
Good, this is just that
Christmas spirit I love.
Enough.
This special is a tradition
that your mama loved.
But, Daddy, everyone knows
- you never liked it.
- But your mama did.
Half of a marriage
is partnership.
And the other half...
is keeping your mouth shut.
I'll see y'all at the studio.
Look at me.
Is this really the
image that you want
for one of Monarch's
hottest up-and-coming acts?
You look adorable.
That's what the fans want.
Do you even know
who my fans are?
They're single
moms and lesbians.
They don't care about adorable.
They want honest and real.
Geeg, I don't know why you
complain about this every year.
- It's...
- It's tradition, yeah, I know.
Just like toxic masculinity
and the Confederacy.
You're really not gonna
like what Clive's done now.
Unbelievable.
I-I call him out for
cheating, and then...
he's the hot stud
and I'm, what am I?
I'm, oh, I'm pathetic
and I can't move on.
- Who is she?
- Some young skank. Who cares?
You need to show your
fans you've moved on
right now.
- I mean, you have.
- You mean Wade?
That's just... It
was just some fling.
I'm not judging you, sweetie.
But there's a double
standard. I mean,
Clive can whore it up all over
town and his stock goes up.
You need to... bravely
open yourself up
to a new relationship.
Something people can root for.
Go public as a couple with Wade.
But we're not a couple.
And the Romans aren't
the perfect family
that sit around the
fire and sip eggnog
and sing "Frosty the Snowman."
But people want to believe
what they want to believe.
So...
You, what, you want me to go...
out on a fake date?
As your publicist, I think
you and Wade will
keep you exciting,
yet still wholesome
and aspirational.
As your friend, I know
that you and Wade will give
Clive a taste of
his own medicine.
- I'll think about it.
- Well, don't think too long.
Clive is probably
making out with at least
one of the Kardashians
as we speak.
Where the hell are they?
They ain't coming.
Everybody's a badass
till they ain't.
Listen, I know we're all
busy with the Christmas special,
but we need to talk.
My sister may be a
giant pain in the ass
who hates my guts right
now, but I am not...
gonna sit quietly
in the background
when her entire future
with the only woman she ever
loved hangs in the balance
Nicky, I love her, too.
- We all do.
- Right, because
nothing says I love you more
than sleeping with
the brother-in-law.
Listen, this wasn't
some sordid affair.
All right, there are
real feelings here.
Yeah, but it was a
mistake, obviously.
We're deeply sorry
for it and it's done.
Good, because right now we have
a much bigger problem
that's harder to hide.
A baby.
Yeah, well, Gigi and I have
been wanting another one, so...
I know, which leads me to why
I invited you both
here, because I think
I might have a solution
that, that suits all of us.
So listen up and
keep an open mind.
Oh, "Deck the
Halls," how original.
Psst.
Yay.
What brings you by here?
This is such a surprise.
What, I need an excuse
to come visit my wife?
Oh, I see, you want something.
- I get it.
- No.
I just, um...
I've been thinking a
lot about our plan...
to have another baby.
Really?
Right now?
I know it sounds crazy,
but since we decided I'd carry,
what if we fast-track
this whole thing
and ask Luke to be our donor?
Luke? My brother?
Chiseled CEO
with a daddy complex Luke?
I know, I...
Well, what made
you think of him?
It's common to ask a
relative or a close friend.
Okay, but
I'm not sure if having
another baby right
now is a great idea.
I-I'm trying to light
a fire under my career.
Why the rush?
We have all the
time in the world.
Gigi, we need you on set.
- Got to go.
- Oh. Bye.
Bye, honey.
I guess when you're
rich and famous,
you're allowed to
have two Christmases.
Amazing.
Mom.
- Is that Wade Stellings?
- It is.
I told you everybody
would be here.
And now you are, too.
Hey, there.
You ready to pretend
it's Christmas?
Hi.
It's, um...
It's good to see you again.
It is, but now I believe
we're late for our
wardrobe fitting.
This isn't the junior prom.
We're here for one reason
and one reason only.
To work.
Not to meet cute boys.
- Bye.
- Roman Family Christmas
has been Stellings family
viewing since I was little.
My mama called it "comfort
food for the soul."
She can't believe
I'm a guest star.
We're lucky to have you.
Maybe next time you'll
ask me yourself.
All right, so this isn't
about the Christmas special.
You didn't have to have our
publicists arrange another date.
You could have just asked. I
mean, I have seen you naked.
Yeah, and it was fun.
But I'm not a
one-night-stand kind of girl.
That's why my publicist reached
out... it's a fake date, PR.
I'm not here for fake anything.
All right, why are you here?
For you.
Bye.
Thank you.
All right.
Hi.
You doing okay?
I know Fake Christmas isn't
the same without Mama.
Nothing's the same without Mama.
What's wrong, Daddy?
Well, it's like
this. Your mother...
she was being blackmailed.
What? How do you know that?
Marty.
Said it'd been
going on for the...
better part of the
last ten years.
Well, I don't understand.
Wh-Who? And why?
"Who" is on my to-do list.
But "why"?
I think she was protecting me.
My affair.
You know, the one
I told you about.
That was years ago.
Somebody must've known.
And you know your mother.
The Roman image was
important to her,
at... at any expense.
I don't think that was it.
The night Mama passed,
she said something to me.
I've done things that can never
be forgiven.
I didn't know...
what it meant. I-I
still don't, but...
it wasn't about you.
I think Mama may have
secrets of her own.
Another lump of
coal for you, Gigi.
That's okay, Nicky.
'Cause coal turns into diamonds.
And like Mama always said,
your luck is what you make it.
- And Mama turned her luck...
- Ridiculous.
They're grown women now.
Oh, don't,
don't be a grinch.
They're helping people feel
better about their lives.
We're the first family
of country music.
And that's degrading.
Look, all right, I know
you never had any of this
when you were growing up.
You had no Christmas,
no music...
no love.
But even though our girls
are out there pretending,
the audience,
what they're feeling is real.
Real love, real joy.
Just what I feel every morning
when I wake up with you.
Now don't you think
everybody is entitled
to have just a
little bit of that?
What would I be without you?
Oh, you'd be fine.
And you're never gonna
have to find out because
I'm always gonna be with you.
And Mama
turned her luck
into a lot of diamonds.
Mm-hmm.
Cut!
Check it.
Hey, Geeg?
Do not follow me.
Or I'm gonna show you where
to shove that lump of coal.
All right, well, I
need to talk to you.
Please, I need my
best friend right now.
I have a fake date
with Wade Stellings.
- Say what now?
- It's to show everybody
that I'm moving on.
You've done worse for the press.
Just treat it like
a work dinner.
Yep. I slept with him.
Oh.
Now this is getting good.
- So what's the problem?
- He's a lot younger than me.
And I don't even know who
I am with a man anymore.
Would you stop
thinking for once?
Geez Louise! Just go have fun.
Nobody deserves that
more than you do.
Really?
Really.
You're still a sneaky,
conniving bitch, though.
Gigi says now's not the
right time for another baby.
And you know how she is.
Yeah, of course I
know how she is.
She's a Roman.
She's set in her ways.
Well, every day I'm
getting closer to showing.
I mean, there is something
we haven't talked about.
What?
I mean, Nicky has
no say over us.
There is no us, Luke.
That's what I'm
saying, there could be.
No, there can't.
You are my brother-in-law.
And I am in love
with your sister.
We were a mistake.
And-and at this rate,
next week's Jerry Springer.
You're serious?
You really think that plan
of Nicky's is gonna work?
It is ridiculous.
At this point, it's
the only hope I've got.
So if you care about me,
please help me hold
onto the life I want...
with Gigi.
Um, thank you for dinner.
Hey, I had fun.
Thank you.
And since our
publicists set it up,
it's a tax write-off.
Nicky, I've been crushing
on you for years.
I even had your poster
up in my dorm room.
I used to fantasize about...
Yeah, you can stop right there.
Singing with you
one day.
Hey...
no disrespect to
your marriage, but...
I always hoped you'd
be single someday.
I don't know what to say.
Well...
say you'll do a song with me.
Okay.
You ready?
Thank you.
Nicky Roman, ladies
and gentlemen.
Hey, I'm honored.
Let's hear it.
- There she is.
- Thank you.
Wicky!
Well, that went viral fast.
Given that they've waited
all this time in the heat,
might as well give
them what they want.
Well, if you insist.
I'm not that girl on the poster.
Of course you are.
You're exactly like I
always thought you'd be.
Everybody's shipping "Wicky."
You'll be on next
week's cover for sure.
Well, you can send
18 copies to Clive.
One for every single
year we were married.
Well, you make the cutest elf.
That was the best fake
date I've ever had.
Hey, when you're done practicing
your solo, I'll be in my trailer
later if you want to, um,
roast some chestnuts
or... something.
All right.
Hey, Mom.
Hey. Are you done filming?
Do you want me to pick you up?
Not yet.
They said we're running late.
Looks like I'm gonna be here
until at least midnight.
Oh, okay, okay.
Well, then call me as
soon as you're done.
I will. Love you.
Hey.
Almost too easy.
Not enough cowboys
around anymore.
Nope.
You know, when I was a
kid, I dressed as a cowboy
for Halloween one year.
I had a lasso and everything.
That's cute.
You don't strike me as a cowboy.
You don't strike me as someone
who wants a cowboy
to take her away.
Well, I'd say everybody wants
a cowboy once in their life.
I know your mom
built this empire
on being the ideal
family and all.
But you don't have to
be perfect all the time.
No one is.
My mama always
told me that if...
you act like
everything is perfect,
then...
it will be.
Don't know
if I believe her, but...
Yeah, your mother
was a huge loss.
For all of you in
different ways.
You talking about my daddy?
I've, I've... tried
my best to help him...
Well, no one can be all
things to all people
without any help.
Have you ever heard
of Dottie Roman?
Yeah, well...
maybe quit worrying
about being Dottie.
And just focus on being
Nicky for a change.
Well, that is very
easy for you to say.
Supposedly a woman has to...
be it all, have it all.
Not if she chooses
the right cowboy.
Well, you already
said that...
that's not me.
I can take care of myself.
I'm sure you can.
The question is...
why would you want to?
I can't believe I'm here.
If my mom knew,
she'd kill us both.
- Well, should I take you back?
- Are you crazy?
Two weeks ago, I
was in Albuquerque
studying for my chem finals,
and now I'm here.
With you.
I feel like Cinderella.
Your home is beautiful.
Your whole world is beautiful.
So are you.
They're ready for you.
Look at me.
Every time I do this special,
I'm five years old again.
Nicky is the perfect
pretty princess
and I'm the fat gay Nutcracker.
I thought my life
had moved past this.
Hey.
You are my Nutcracker.
Well...
let's hope you still feel
that way after I go out there
and make a big fool of myself.
Then don't.
What do you mean?
Either walk off this set
and tell your family you're
done being their mascot.
Or you quit complaining,
you go out there
and you do things your way.
But either way, you just
have to be yourself.
So...
get cracking.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Y'all been watching
Fake Christmas all week.
Well, I'm fixin' to show
y'all something real.
It's real good, Albie.
I'm gonna have to wrap this up.
Family is gathering
for...
Fake Christmas dinner tonight.
Much as I'd rather
be anywhere else.
Care to join us?
Oh, I-I think the
Roman family's had
their fill of me for the
moment, but thank you.
Nicky worries about
you, you know.
Well, I can't say
she's wrong to.
Haven't quite been
myself since Dot passed.
Holidays can be hard.
Even fake ones.
I never knew my father.
He was out of the picture
before I was three.
But it doesn't
make it any easier,
especially around the holidays.
What's your point, son?
This Fake Christmas dinner...
Your family's gonna
be missing Dottie.
Don't let 'em miss you, too.
- All right.
- Right.
You sure you're ready for this?
Fake Christmas without Mama?
Hell, it'll probably be
easier than it was with her.
Just promise me you'll
go easier on Nicky
than you did at that
Christmas set. Please.
Can I ask you?
Do you think I can
really do this?
Become a performer and
still stay true to who I am?
If anyone can, it's you.
Even with two kids?
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
Why not ask Luke to help us out?
As much as my siblings
drive me crazy,
I'd still hate for
Summer to be without one.
Okay.
Nellie.
- Mm.
- You have been a busy bee.
Have y'all seen her
new QVC commercial?
I bought the entire
Nellie Bean collection.
And I don't even wear lingerie.
Not often, anyway.
Thank you, sugar. Well,
I think you'd look fine
in my signature cream
soda beige negligee.
It's
authentic faux silk.
I got something I want to say.
Albie Roman giving a toast?
This is a Christmas miracle.
I just want to take a minute
to appreciate
the woman that brought
us all together.
Dottie Roman made
up a fake holiday,
but she did it so we'd spend
some real time together.
So I hereby promise
on this holy night
of Fake Christmas Eve
to step up and help guide
this family into the future
like Mama would've wanted.
Merry Fake Christmas, everybody.
Merry Fake Christmas.
So, time for presents?
Unfortunately, won't be any
of Dottie's homemade
scarves this year.
Another Christmas miracle.
- For me?
- Yeah.
Everybody, so...
there's gonna be a new elf
on the shelf next year.
We're trying for another baby.
Who's the father this time?
- Luke.
- Wait, what?
Just don't think about it
too hard. Just let it go.
Thank you, Daddy.
Merry Christmas, Uncle Luke.
Doesn't quite have the same
ring as "Dad," does it?
I know.
But it's better this
way for everyone.
Listen, I...
I know you're
dealing with a lot.
Mama. Clive.
Now I'm gonna add another
problem to your pile.
I got a call today
from the assistant
prosecutor of Travis County.
They want a meeting.
- Why?
- The level of opiates
in Mama's system.
They won't let it go.
- They have questions.
- Well, you tell them
the truth... That
you weren't there,
you don't know what happened
and you don't know who was.
I'm sorry, Nick,
if I wasn't clear.
The prosecutor's
questions are for you.
You done for the night?
- Yeah.
- Mm.
Mm.
So you really did
have to work late.
This time.
You knew?
Mm-hmm.
I called set last
night to check on you.
They told me they
released you hours ago.
Ana,
you're not gonna be a star
by sleeping with that boy.
I didn't. Not even close.
It's just that...
I know people like the Romans.
They use people and
they toss them out.
And I won't let
them do that to you.
Do you understand?
Okay, Albie. Ready.
And action.
Y'all may not know this,
but I've never been
one for Fake Christmas
or real Christmas,
for that matter.
Dottie Roman changed all that.
And even though she's not
here in person tonight,
her spirit will be part
of this special forever.
So happy holidays from us,
and, like Santa,
the Roman family will always
be here for you on Christmas,
fake or otherwise.
Merry Fake Christmas, baby.
Beautiful, beautiful!
That's a wrap, folks!
Great job, everyone!
Oh. Thank you.
A little late, Albie.
What's so important
that it couldn't wait?
Sit down, Nell.
You and Dot were
thick as thieves.
All right.
Dottie said something
fore she passed.
She said that she'd
done something.
Something...
that was unforgivable.
Well, it was Dottie.
We might want to narrow
that down a touch.
Nellie.
Think.
This is important.
You know...
She swore me to secrecy.
A sister's loyalty
survives death.
You live rent-free
on my property.
You got loyalty
to me, too, Nell.
You remember that barn
fire 40 or so years ago?
Yeah, I was on tour. It
burned to the ground.
And...
and you were told that Rosa,
your lady friend,
caused that fire...
and ran off
so she wouldn't be blamed.
That's right.
Because that was Dottie's story.
And no one questioned her.
But let me ask you this.
How do you think Dottie's
horses got out safe?
Ahead of time?
Rosa didn't cause that fire.
And she didn't run off.
She died in that fire.
Just as Dottie intended.
No. No.
No, she wouldn't have.
Lord knows she had a
temper, but come on, Nell.
She saw Rosa as a threat
to your future together.
Your family.
The dynasty she was building.
She didn't have to worry.
Rosa wasn't a
threat to anything.
Well, Dottie didn't
like to take chances.
Good night.
So, what now?
Daddy.
Go inside.
Hug your babies.
Try to get some sleep.
And the rest...
is tomorrow's problem.
Hey.
Ace?
Hey, what are you...
what are you doing?
I saw it all.
- You stole mama's song!
- You mean before you could?
Of course you helped Mama die.
You're just like her.
Wade, you got a song for me?
My style does tend
more towards the, uh...
Lovesick young cowboy?
Jamie Burke, producer
out of Atlanta.
Yeah, charmed.
Nicky,
you're so talented.
I want you to know it really is
a pleasure meeting you.
I feel terrible
doing this to Gigi.
That's what
you said last time.
How far along are you?
Luke doesn't even know yet.
Dottie was being blackmailed.
$50,000 a month, every month.
You tell 'em that Albie Roman
ain't paying 'em another cent.
It's done.
Pretty as the day
I first met you.
You are too sweet.
Come on, sugar.
Right in there.
Thank you.
I got here as quick as I could.
Any luck figuring out who
these blackmailers are?
Like I said, they're pros.
Communication's airtight.
End-to-end encryption,
asymmetric algorithms.
In English.
They're ciphers.
Impossible to trace.
Then I want you to
set up a meeting.
What? No, Albie...
I want to meet these
vultures in person.
And look 'em in the eye.
They're gonna pay for
the pain they caused her.
Albie, I don't think
you understand.
These people are dangerous.
Here's what you
don't understand.
So am I.
Excuse me, what are
you doing in here? Hey!
Clive!
Well, I'm making a ginger
and turmeric smoothie.
They say it improves your mood.
Well, it is certainly
not improving mine.
Do you think two weeks in the
guest house is gonna, like,
make me forget who you are?
Actually, the time apart's
been quite the revelation.
See, we all knew
that your mother
had terminal cancer, but, uh...
I always wondered...
how she passed so quickly.
And now I know.
You killed her.
I did not kill her.
And I have the proof.
Oxycodone, Nick, which
you gave to her, no doubt.
I helped her open the
bottle is what I did.
That's a distinction
known only to you, me,
and Dottie... God rest her soul.
What do you want?
Penthouse suite,
200 grand walking-around money.
Ah, to start.
Are you insane? It's
what she wanted.
Or maybe you wanted
to be Queen of Country
just a little bit sooner
than Dottie was ready
to relinquish the crown.
It's hot as hell.
Somebody please
remind me why we shoot
the Roman Family Christmas
special in July again?
You know why.
'Cause Christmas
was your mama's
favorite holiday,
and this way she could
have it twice a year.
And so a Roman
tradition was born.
Fake Christmas.
Which brings us to
why we're all here.
We are gonna be filming the
special all week, and viewership
has been a little off lately.
No kidding. This
show is so dated.
All we're missing is VCRs
and "Re-elect Reagan" spots.
It may be old-fashioned, but
Mama loved tradition, so...
You know what else
Mama liked? Ratings.
So why don't we bring this show
into the 21st century?
You know, maybe update it
- for the under-80 crowd.
- Spoken like a true millennial.
Are you two still mad at
each other over the rodeo?
- I'm not mad at her.
- Why would she be?
She's the one who stole my song.
And now it's number
one on Spotify.
Technically, it was Mama's song.
Technically, you're a thieving,
backstabbing bitch.
Good, this is just that
Christmas spirit I love.
Enough.
This special is a tradition
that your mama loved.
But, Daddy, everyone knows
- you never liked it.
- But your mama did.
Half of a marriage
is partnership.
And the other half...
is keeping your mouth shut.
I'll see y'all at the studio.
Look at me.
Is this really the
image that you want
for one of Monarch's
hottest up-and-coming acts?
You look adorable.
That's what the fans want.
Do you even know
who my fans are?
They're single
moms and lesbians.
They don't care about adorable.
They want honest and real.
Geeg, I don't know why you
complain about this every year.
- It's...
- It's tradition, yeah, I know.
Just like toxic masculinity
and the Confederacy.
You're really not gonna
like what Clive's done now.
Unbelievable.
I-I call him out for
cheating, and then...
he's the hot stud
and I'm, what am I?
I'm, oh, I'm pathetic
and I can't move on.
- Who is she?
- Some young skank. Who cares?
You need to show your
fans you've moved on
right now.
- I mean, you have.
- You mean Wade?
That's just... It
was just some fling.
I'm not judging you, sweetie.
But there's a double
standard. I mean,
Clive can whore it up all over
town and his stock goes up.
You need to... bravely
open yourself up
to a new relationship.
Something people can root for.
Go public as a couple with Wade.
But we're not a couple.
And the Romans aren't
the perfect family
that sit around the
fire and sip eggnog
and sing "Frosty the Snowman."
But people want to believe
what they want to believe.
So...
You, what, you want me to go...
out on a fake date?
As your publicist, I think
you and Wade will
keep you exciting,
yet still wholesome
and aspirational.
As your friend, I know
that you and Wade will give
Clive a taste of
his own medicine.
- I'll think about it.
- Well, don't think too long.
Clive is probably
making out with at least
one of the Kardashians
as we speak.
Where the hell are they?
They ain't coming.
Everybody's a badass
till they ain't.
Listen, I know we're all
busy with the Christmas special,
but we need to talk.
My sister may be a
giant pain in the ass
who hates my guts right
now, but I am not...
gonna sit quietly
in the background
when her entire future
with the only woman she ever
loved hangs in the balance
Nicky, I love her, too.
- We all do.
- Right, because
nothing says I love you more
than sleeping with
the brother-in-law.
Listen, this wasn't
some sordid affair.
All right, there are
real feelings here.
Yeah, but it was a
mistake, obviously.
We're deeply sorry
for it and it's done.
Good, because right now we have
a much bigger problem
that's harder to hide.
A baby.
Yeah, well, Gigi and I have
been wanting another one, so...
I know, which leads me to why
I invited you both
here, because I think
I might have a solution
that, that suits all of us.
So listen up and
keep an open mind.
Oh, "Deck the
Halls," how original.
Psst.
Yay.
What brings you by here?
This is such a surprise.
What, I need an excuse
to come visit my wife?
Oh, I see, you want something.
- I get it.
- No.
I just, um...
I've been thinking a
lot about our plan...
to have another baby.
Really?
Right now?
I know it sounds crazy,
but since we decided I'd carry,
what if we fast-track
this whole thing
and ask Luke to be our donor?
Luke? My brother?
Chiseled CEO
with a daddy complex Luke?
I know, I...
Well, what made
you think of him?
It's common to ask a
relative or a close friend.
Okay, but
I'm not sure if having
another baby right
now is a great idea.
I-I'm trying to light
a fire under my career.
Why the rush?
We have all the
time in the world.
Gigi, we need you on set.
- Got to go.
- Oh. Bye.
Bye, honey.
I guess when you're
rich and famous,
you're allowed to
have two Christmases.
Amazing.
Mom.
- Is that Wade Stellings?
- It is.
I told you everybody
would be here.
And now you are, too.
Hey, there.
You ready to pretend
it's Christmas?
Hi.
It's, um...
It's good to see you again.
It is, but now I believe
we're late for our
wardrobe fitting.
This isn't the junior prom.
We're here for one reason
and one reason only.
To work.
Not to meet cute boys.
- Bye.
- Roman Family Christmas
has been Stellings family
viewing since I was little.
My mama called it "comfort
food for the soul."
She can't believe
I'm a guest star.
We're lucky to have you.
Maybe next time you'll
ask me yourself.
All right, so this isn't
about the Christmas special.
You didn't have to have our
publicists arrange another date.
You could have just asked. I
mean, I have seen you naked.
Yeah, and it was fun.
But I'm not a
one-night-stand kind of girl.
That's why my publicist reached
out... it's a fake date, PR.
I'm not here for fake anything.
All right, why are you here?
For you.
Bye.
Thank you.
All right.
Hi.
You doing okay?
I know Fake Christmas isn't
the same without Mama.
Nothing's the same without Mama.
What's wrong, Daddy?
Well, it's like
this. Your mother...
she was being blackmailed.
What? How do you know that?
Marty.
Said it'd been
going on for the...
better part of the
last ten years.
Well, I don't understand.
Wh-Who? And why?
"Who" is on my to-do list.
But "why"?
I think she was protecting me.
My affair.
You know, the one
I told you about.
That was years ago.
Somebody must've known.
And you know your mother.
The Roman image was
important to her,
at... at any expense.
I don't think that was it.
The night Mama passed,
she said something to me.
I've done things that can never
be forgiven.
I didn't know...
what it meant. I-I
still don't, but...
it wasn't about you.
I think Mama may have
secrets of her own.
Another lump of
coal for you, Gigi.
That's okay, Nicky.
'Cause coal turns into diamonds.
And like Mama always said,
your luck is what you make it.
- And Mama turned her luck...
- Ridiculous.
They're grown women now.
Oh, don't,
don't be a grinch.
They're helping people feel
better about their lives.
We're the first family
of country music.
And that's degrading.
Look, all right, I know
you never had any of this
when you were growing up.
You had no Christmas,
no music...
no love.
But even though our girls
are out there pretending,
the audience,
what they're feeling is real.
Real love, real joy.
Just what I feel every morning
when I wake up with you.
Now don't you think
everybody is entitled
to have just a
little bit of that?
What would I be without you?
Oh, you'd be fine.
And you're never gonna
have to find out because
I'm always gonna be with you.
And Mama
turned her luck
into a lot of diamonds.
Mm-hmm.
Cut!
Check it.
Hey, Geeg?
Do not follow me.
Or I'm gonna show you where
to shove that lump of coal.
All right, well, I
need to talk to you.
Please, I need my
best friend right now.
I have a fake date
with Wade Stellings.
- Say what now?
- It's to show everybody
that I'm moving on.
You've done worse for the press.
Just treat it like
a work dinner.
Yep. I slept with him.
Oh.
Now this is getting good.
- So what's the problem?
- He's a lot younger than me.
And I don't even know who
I am with a man anymore.
Would you stop
thinking for once?
Geez Louise! Just go have fun.
Nobody deserves that
more than you do.
Really?
Really.
You're still a sneaky,
conniving bitch, though.
Gigi says now's not the
right time for another baby.
And you know how she is.
Yeah, of course I
know how she is.
She's a Roman.
She's set in her ways.
Well, every day I'm
getting closer to showing.
I mean, there is something
we haven't talked about.
What?
I mean, Nicky has
no say over us.
There is no us, Luke.
That's what I'm
saying, there could be.
No, there can't.
You are my brother-in-law.
And I am in love
with your sister.
We were a mistake.
And-and at this rate,
next week's Jerry Springer.
You're serious?
You really think that plan
of Nicky's is gonna work?
It is ridiculous.
At this point, it's
the only hope I've got.
So if you care about me,
please help me hold
onto the life I want...
with Gigi.
Um, thank you for dinner.
Hey, I had fun.
Thank you.
And since our
publicists set it up,
it's a tax write-off.
Nicky, I've been crushing
on you for years.
I even had your poster
up in my dorm room.
I used to fantasize about...
Yeah, you can stop right there.
Singing with you
one day.
Hey...
no disrespect to
your marriage, but...
I always hoped you'd
be single someday.
I don't know what to say.
Well...
say you'll do a song with me.
Okay.
You ready?
Thank you.
Nicky Roman, ladies
and gentlemen.
Hey, I'm honored.
Let's hear it.
- There she is.
- Thank you.
Wicky!
Well, that went viral fast.
Given that they've waited
all this time in the heat,
might as well give
them what they want.
Well, if you insist.
I'm not that girl on the poster.
Of course you are.
You're exactly like I
always thought you'd be.
Everybody's shipping "Wicky."
You'll be on next
week's cover for sure.
Well, you can send
18 copies to Clive.
One for every single
year we were married.
Well, you make the cutest elf.
That was the best fake
date I've ever had.
Hey, when you're done practicing
your solo, I'll be in my trailer
later if you want to, um,
roast some chestnuts
or... something.
All right.
Hey, Mom.
Hey. Are you done filming?
Do you want me to pick you up?
Not yet.
They said we're running late.
Looks like I'm gonna be here
until at least midnight.
Oh, okay, okay.
Well, then call me as
soon as you're done.
I will. Love you.
Hey.
Almost too easy.
Not enough cowboys
around anymore.
Nope.
You know, when I was a
kid, I dressed as a cowboy
for Halloween one year.
I had a lasso and everything.
That's cute.
You don't strike me as a cowboy.
You don't strike me as someone
who wants a cowboy
to take her away.
Well, I'd say everybody wants
a cowboy once in their life.
I know your mom
built this empire
on being the ideal
family and all.
But you don't have to
be perfect all the time.
No one is.
My mama always
told me that if...
you act like
everything is perfect,
then...
it will be.
Don't know
if I believe her, but...
Yeah, your mother
was a huge loss.
For all of you in
different ways.
You talking about my daddy?
I've, I've... tried
my best to help him...
Well, no one can be all
things to all people
without any help.
Have you ever heard
of Dottie Roman?
Yeah, well...
maybe quit worrying
about being Dottie.
And just focus on being
Nicky for a change.
Well, that is very
easy for you to say.
Supposedly a woman has to...
be it all, have it all.
Not if she chooses
the right cowboy.
Well, you already
said that...
that's not me.
I can take care of myself.
I'm sure you can.
The question is...
why would you want to?
I can't believe I'm here.
If my mom knew,
she'd kill us both.
- Well, should I take you back?
- Are you crazy?
Two weeks ago, I
was in Albuquerque
studying for my chem finals,
and now I'm here.
With you.
I feel like Cinderella.
Your home is beautiful.
Your whole world is beautiful.
So are you.
They're ready for you.
Look at me.
Every time I do this special,
I'm five years old again.
Nicky is the perfect
pretty princess
and I'm the fat gay Nutcracker.
I thought my life
had moved past this.
Hey.
You are my Nutcracker.
Well...
let's hope you still feel
that way after I go out there
and make a big fool of myself.
Then don't.
What do you mean?
Either walk off this set
and tell your family you're
done being their mascot.
Or you quit complaining,
you go out there
and you do things your way.
But either way, you just
have to be yourself.
So...
get cracking.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Y'all been watching
Fake Christmas all week.
Well, I'm fixin' to show
y'all something real.
It's real good, Albie.
I'm gonna have to wrap this up.
Family is gathering
for...
Fake Christmas dinner tonight.
Much as I'd rather
be anywhere else.
Care to join us?
Oh, I-I think the
Roman family's had
their fill of me for the
moment, but thank you.
Nicky worries about
you, you know.
Well, I can't say
she's wrong to.
Haven't quite been
myself since Dot passed.
Holidays can be hard.
Even fake ones.
I never knew my father.
He was out of the picture
before I was three.
But it doesn't
make it any easier,
especially around the holidays.
What's your point, son?
This Fake Christmas dinner...
Your family's gonna
be missing Dottie.
Don't let 'em miss you, too.
- All right.
- Right.
You sure you're ready for this?
Fake Christmas without Mama?
Hell, it'll probably be
easier than it was with her.
Just promise me you'll
go easier on Nicky
than you did at that
Christmas set. Please.
Can I ask you?
Do you think I can
really do this?
Become a performer and
still stay true to who I am?
If anyone can, it's you.
Even with two kids?
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
Why not ask Luke to help us out?
As much as my siblings
drive me crazy,
I'd still hate for
Summer to be without one.
Okay.
Nellie.
- Mm.
- You have been a busy bee.
Have y'all seen her
new QVC commercial?
I bought the entire
Nellie Bean collection.
And I don't even wear lingerie.
Not often, anyway.
Thank you, sugar. Well,
I think you'd look fine
in my signature cream
soda beige negligee.
It's
authentic faux silk.
I got something I want to say.
Albie Roman giving a toast?
This is a Christmas miracle.
I just want to take a minute
to appreciate
the woman that brought
us all together.
Dottie Roman made
up a fake holiday,
but she did it so we'd spend
some real time together.
So I hereby promise
on this holy night
of Fake Christmas Eve
to step up and help guide
this family into the future
like Mama would've wanted.
Merry Fake Christmas, everybody.
Merry Fake Christmas.
So, time for presents?
Unfortunately, won't be any
of Dottie's homemade
scarves this year.
Another Christmas miracle.
- For me?
- Yeah.
Everybody, so...
there's gonna be a new elf
on the shelf next year.
We're trying for another baby.
Who's the father this time?
- Luke.
- Wait, what?
Just don't think about it
too hard. Just let it go.
Thank you, Daddy.
Merry Christmas, Uncle Luke.
Doesn't quite have the same
ring as "Dad," does it?
I know.
But it's better this
way for everyone.
Listen, I...
I know you're
dealing with a lot.
Mama. Clive.
Now I'm gonna add another
problem to your pile.
I got a call today
from the assistant
prosecutor of Travis County.
They want a meeting.
- Why?
- The level of opiates
in Mama's system.
They won't let it go.
- They have questions.
- Well, you tell them
the truth... That
you weren't there,
you don't know what happened
and you don't know who was.
I'm sorry, Nick,
if I wasn't clear.
The prosecutor's
questions are for you.
You done for the night?
- Yeah.
- Mm.
Mm.
So you really did
have to work late.
This time.
You knew?
Mm-hmm.
I called set last
night to check on you.
They told me they
released you hours ago.
Ana,
you're not gonna be a star
by sleeping with that boy.
I didn't. Not even close.
It's just that...
I know people like the Romans.
They use people and
they toss them out.
And I won't let
them do that to you.
Do you understand?
Okay, Albie. Ready.
And action.
Y'all may not know this,
but I've never been
one for Fake Christmas
or real Christmas,
for that matter.
Dottie Roman changed all that.
And even though she's not
here in person tonight,
her spirit will be part
of this special forever.
So happy holidays from us,
and, like Santa,
the Roman family will always
be here for you on Christmas,
fake or otherwise.
Merry Fake Christmas, baby.
Beautiful, beautiful!
That's a wrap, folks!
Great job, everyone!
Oh. Thank you.
A little late, Albie.
What's so important
that it couldn't wait?
Sit down, Nell.
You and Dot were
thick as thieves.
All right.
Dottie said something
fore she passed.
She said that she'd
done something.
Something...
that was unforgivable.
Well, it was Dottie.
We might want to narrow
that down a touch.
Nellie.
Think.
This is important.
You know...
She swore me to secrecy.
A sister's loyalty
survives death.
You live rent-free
on my property.
You got loyalty
to me, too, Nell.
You remember that barn
fire 40 or so years ago?
Yeah, I was on tour. It
burned to the ground.
And...
and you were told that Rosa,
your lady friend,
caused that fire...
and ran off
so she wouldn't be blamed.
That's right.
Because that was Dottie's story.
And no one questioned her.
But let me ask you this.
How do you think Dottie's
horses got out safe?
Ahead of time?
Rosa didn't cause that fire.
And she didn't run off.
She died in that fire.
Just as Dottie intended.
No. No.
No, she wouldn't have.
Lord knows she had a
temper, but come on, Nell.
She saw Rosa as a threat
to your future together.
Your family.
The dynasty she was building.
She didn't have to worry.
Rosa wasn't a
threat to anything.
Well, Dottie didn't
like to take chances.
Good night.
So, what now?
Daddy.
Go inside.
Hug your babies.
Try to get some sleep.
And the rest...
is tomorrow's problem.
Hey.
Ace?
Hey, what are you...
what are you doing?
I saw it all.