Mom (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 12 - Tiny Dancer and an Impromptu Picnic - full transcript

(vocalizing)

(Southern accent):
Oh, my!

(chuckles)

A handsome interloper

has happened upon
my impromptu picnic.

Allow me to cool my décolletage
with an icy glass of sweet tea.

You need to come with me.

(regular voice): Are you not
seeing what's happening here?

(Southern accent):
You're a traveling salesman,

and my daddy has gone to town
for seeds.

We had a swarm of locusts.



Hey.

You really need
to come with me.

But... But, well, now I'm stuck
with all this sweet tea

and... whipped cream
and this accent.

(regular voice): Deserted
highway, jittery husband.

If I knew
you were gonna kill me,

I would've worn sweats.

(sighs)

Okay. Look at the billboard.

"Mr. Naughty's."

A strip club?

Naked picnic Monday isn't
good enough for you anymore?

Look again.

What? It's some poor stripper
looking confused and...



Oh, my God,
that's my daughter!

[♪ ♪]

*MOM*
Season 08 Episode 12

Episode Title: "Tiny Dancer
and an Impromptu Picnic"

Aired on:
April 01, 2021

It's Christy!

Yeah, we know it's Christy.

I knew her eyes were big,

but now they're,
like, six feet tall.

And I think they're
following me.

She hung up her tassels
ages ago.

Has that thing been up there
for 20 years?

Judging by all the
bird poop, yes.

Why couldn't they have
pooped on her face?

Poop on her face!

At least it'll be dark soon

and people won't be able
to see it.

(lights click and buzz)

Poop on the lights!

So,

a giant, half-naked Christy
has been up there for decades,

and we had no idea.

You know, I always pictured
a boyish figure

under all those hoodies,
and, to be honest,

I preferred it that way.

- Do you think she knows?
- Of course not.

I posted a picture of
her on her birthday.

She made me take it down
'cause she didn't like

how her ears looked.

Upside, you don't notice
her ears on the billboard.

I mean, we've all heard
about her stripper days,

but somehow, seeing
her 80 feet wide

makes it very real.

Yeah. I mean, I know Marjorie
lived in a cardboard box,

but if I saw it on a billboard,
that would be a bummer.

What would that
billboard be for?

Dave's Cardboard
Box Emporium?

Well, living in a box

was one of the least
embarrassing things I did.

Thank God social media didn't
exist when I was drinking.

Oh, I'm not so lucky.

If you Google "drunk
socialite moons Wimbledon,"

hello.

I'd be mortified if you guys
ever saw my episode of Cops.

I get arrested, make bail,
then get arrested again.

Never jaywalk with a goat
if you're trying to lay low.

Well, my daughter
has come too far

for her hoo-ha
to be a roadside attraction.

Christy's gonna lose it
when she finds out.

No, she won't, 'cause none of us
are telling her.

I'm gonna handle it.

- Okay, just...
- I'm gonna handle it.

This is the best burger
I've ever had.

Just mayo and cheese.
I'm in heaven!

But mostly I feel bad
about Christy.

Operator.

Customer service.

Live person!

What's going on?

I'm trying to get through
to the strip club,

but they have
this whole long menu

about VIP rooms, strip clubs,
lost wedding rings.

What number do I push
to save my daughter's dignity?!

Did you try eight?

Oh, there's Rod. Don't look.

Don't look.

Did you all just see that?

No, 'cause you told us
not to look.

(sighs)
He completely ignored me.

This is why I say dating people
from the rooms can get messy.

Marjorie, we're alcoholics.
When you say "messy,"

we hear, "Sounds like fun.
Where do I sign up?"

God, why did I hook up with him?

He's so not my type.

He's arrogant and vain
and self-centered,

and why hasn't he
called me?

Why don't you call him?

Ugh, I don't want
anything to do with him.

It's just awkward.

I mean,
we've seen each other naked.

Well, I was naked.
He kept his boots on.

You know, for traction.

So, Rod took his boots off,
then took his pants off,

then put his boots back on?

No. Boots stayed on
the whole time.

It was like
some weird, sexy magic trick.

All right, ladies,
let's take our seats.

- Did he look?
- Nope.

Damn it, what a child!

So, how you doing?

You still freaked out
about that billboard?

Let me tell you something.

When I first saw it,

I was just a guy
driving down a road,

happy to see some advertising
that didn't involve

personal injury attorneys
or eczema.

I started at the feet.
All systems go.

Worked my way up the legs.
Life is good.

Torso did not disappoint.

And wham!
It's my stepdaughter.

I mean,
I nearly drove off the road.

So, this strip club...

Where exactly is it located?

I haven't had glitter
on the old trousers in a while.

Come on, man.

We're in a bar. Isn't this where
men can speak from our hearts?

That's not where
you're speaking from.

I am awash in shame.

I'm sorry.
It's just this whole thing

made me realize that every woman
I've ever checked out

is somebody's daughter.

Yeah, but if we all
thought that way,

no one
would ever have sex again.

The human species
would go extinct.

You know, men objectifying women

is what's keeping civilization
alive. We're heroes.

- We're pigs!
- No, we're not.

We open the doors,
we kill the spiders,

we buy the jewelry.

We have to be better.

Do we?

Yes! That's a person up there
on that billboard.

With real feelings
and a heart and a soul

and a way of eating lasagne
from the middle

that's very endearing.

Well, now you're making me
feel bad about myself.

Well, you should.

Truth be told,
I have been dragging

a little sexual toilet paper
around on my shoe lately.

Let me guess. Jill?

Oh, you heard.

Bonnie told me.

When you're married,

other people's adventures
are a big deal.

Yeah. I've been avoiding her
since we had sex,

and perhaps
that doesn't feel good to her?

I don't think women
appreciate that the way we do.

You know what?
I'm gonna give her a ring

and invite her down here,

and we can sort it out
like two adults.

Good for you.

You know, I-I've told myself
over and over again

not to fool around
with women from meetings,

but then I get this incredibly
compelling counterargument

from my penis.

They are convincing.

(electronic music
playing in distance)

Whoops!
Sorry. Oh! Carry on.

God, Tuesday afternoon.
What is wrong with men?

HANK:
It's open.

Oh. Hello.

Are you the manager?

Yep.
You're too old to work here.

What?

Hey, I could totally work here.

All right. Show me
what you got.

Wait, no.
That's not why I came.

Let me guess. (Sniffs)

Your husband is in there,

and you need me to go remind him
how great his life is back home.

No, my husband knows
how great his life is.

Great. 'Cause lately,
I've been struggling

to come off as sincere.

May I?

Take your chances.

Many years ago,
there was a...

there was a girl... a lost girl.

But it wasn't the girl's fault.

Her-her mother never gave
her the road map she needed

- to succeed in life.
- Mm.

Actually, no one ever gave
her mother the road map, either.

It's a vicious cycle.

Yeah, I'm familiar with it.

Anyway, uh, this girl spent
some of her formative years

in this very establishment.

Yeah, see, formative years.
Now, that's what I hire.

Uh-huh. But how many of those
end up at Georgetown Law school?

They don't tend to keep in touch
after they leave.

Well, my daughter
made that journey,

and yet she's still up
on your billboard

on Route 29.

You're Christy's mom?

You remember her?

Well, yeah! (Chuckles)

Well, I used to be
the DJ back then.

Hey, I'm the one who told her

she should work
to "Tiny Dancer."

Right? You get it?

'Cause she-she's very small.

Well, you-you both
made something of yourselves.

Yeah, I never dreamed
I'd have my own office.

So Christy's still alive, huh?

Wow. That's great.

You know, I knew
her heart wasn't in the pole.

It's not for everyone.

Well, I'm glad you understand

because it leads me
to why I'm here.

I feel that billboard
might have a negative impact

on her legal career.

I mean, she may be
on the Supreme Court one day,

but not
with that thing up there.

Mm, I'm sorry.
That billboard's money.

But it's more than 20 years old.

You know,
people like the vintage.

Reminds them of a simpler time.

1998?

(chuckles):
Wow.

This crazy blue marble, huh?

Just keeps spinning, don't it?

Look, my daughter worked so
hard to get where she is.

She shouldn't have to drag her
past behind her for eternity.

That's... that's not right.

Neither is smoking indoors,
but here we are.

That billboard
needs to come down,

and I am not leaving
until you change your mind.

(sighs)

Tony, Bruno,
I'd like you to consider

what your mothers
think of you right now!

The manager wasn't
a terrible guy.

He did give me two
coupons to the buffet.

Ooh, I love a good
strip club buffet.

Yeah. I only got a quick look
as I was rudely shown the door,

but there were silver
dollar pancakes

and what looked to be
an ambrosia salad.

Maybe when we're done
vandalizing, we can drop by.

No? Okay.

Now, this little baby
takes no prisoners.

Two strokes, and it's bye-bye,
Christy's questionable choices.

What's going on?

Could ask you
the same thing.

What are you doing with
that poor creature?

Oh, the vet says
he's pre-diabetic,

so twice a day,
we got to walk the hill.

So, it looks like
you two have a project.

The strip club wouldn't take
down Christy's billboard,

so I'm taking matters
into my own hands.

Aha. So you're planning
to deface it?

De-face. De-body.
De-whole thing.

Hold on. Let's make sure
we look before we leap.

Great. Now we're
gonna get wisdom

from a woman who's
walking her cat.

I think what we need here
is a meeting,

because your alcoholic brain is
running a little wild right now,

and Tammy's getting caught up
in the riptide.

I am impressionable.

Maybe I could do a
ladies only night.

That way, they won't even
have to deal with men.

You know, make the bar
kind of a safe haven.

You mean like a lesbian bar?

News flash:
Not necessarily a safe haven.

All right, let's try
a Sparkly Pony.

Ooh, it has pineapple in it.
I'm mildly allergic.

Finally, a little danger!

(chuckles)

(clears throat) Jill's here.

This is gonna be harder
than I thought.

Hello.

Uh, thanks for coming.

Mm, no problem. I was
in the neighborhood, and...

(clears throat)
already dressed like this.

What can I get for you, Jill?

I'm about to ride
a Sparkly Pony.

Oh, I'll have
one of those, extra sparkle.

Jill, if you had
to judge my bar as a whole,

would you say
that it respects women?

What?

Never mind. (Stammers)

So, you're the one
that called me,

'cause I certainly had no
intentions of ever calling you.

I even deleted your contact,

so when you called,
it was just a number.

I didn't know who it was,
so I picked up, and it was you.

Right. Yes.

Uh, can I get you a drink?

We just did that.

Great. Phase one complete,
only minor injuries.

(laughs)

I asked you here because
I wanted to own up

to my recent aloofness.

Oh, I didn't even notice.

I mean, you're not even
in my phone,

but I'm still in yours,
so who's aloof now?

- Anyway, even if you didn't notice...
- I didn't.

Well, I did, and
I didn't treat you

with the respect
that you deserve.

And I'm sorry.

Mm. Thank you.

Look, we're two adults

who had consensual sex
in a vacant apartment.

(chuckles)

God, that was hard
to say out loud.

(clears throat)

Just so you know,
that's not the kind of behavior

I usually indulge in.

Well, it's exactly the kind of
behavior I usually indulge in.

And then I leave town.

Only, uh, nowhere to go
and no money to get there.

I didn't think
this one through.

Yeah, I didn't, either.

Can-can we just reset

and try being clothes-on,

wave-to-each-other-
across-the-room friends?

I can do that.

So, uh, tell me
about yourself.

What's your last name?

Hi. Bonnie, alcoholic.

ALL:
Hi, Bonnie.

This is my first time
at the 5:45 meeting.

Not to quibble,
but what's the deal?

Can't commit to 5:30?
Can't commit to 6:00?

I mean, when do you have dinner?
When do you finish work?

Came in handy for us today,
though, so thumbs up.

I've been known to do
a lot of crazy things

'cause, you know, alcoholic.

And where this brain goes,
the body follows.

Sometimes the body goes
and the brain just stays behind.

(chuckles)

Right now, I'm dealing
with a thing where, um,

I'm worried
my kid is gonna be embarrassed

or hurt or exploited or exposed

to the kind of people
who use secondary highways.

She means that literally.
It's not a metaphor.

I keep questioning
if my reaction is alcoholic.

Actually, other people

keep questioning it,

but, yeah, screw that.

Sometimes it's not about
being an alcoholic.

Sometimes it's just about
being a mom.

A mom who wants
to protect her kid.

You know what? The more
I talk about it, the more I...

I can't be here.

Should we follow her?

No worries.
She's not going anywhere.

I got my keys right...

Son of a bitch!

(both panting)

How far away is your place?

Ten minutes, but my
housekeeper's there.

- How about you?
- Seven minutes, but my mum's there.

- Hit recline.
- Yeah.

(seats whirring)

(exhales)

This is going very slowly,
but it's only making it hotter.

(phone chiming)

Oh. Seriously?

Oh, hey, Marjorie.

Oh. Okay.

I'll be right there.

You have to go.

Just gonna need a moment
before I can zip up again.

This is fun.

You guys have never
been in my car.

I bought it off a volunteer
fireman, so it has a siren.

Well, we appreciate the ride.

Even though
I can't feel my feet.

I offered you shotgun.

But I couldn't
because you're super old,

and I'm inherently kind.

(siren blaring)

I just had
to show you.

Come on, Bonnie!
You're gonna get hurt!

I don't care!
This is my daughter!

Damn it, Wendy. Was that you
behind me with the siren?

Bonnie, get down from there!

I'm pretty sure
you're trespassing.

What?

She said you're
trespassing!

Come on. Use your
outside voice.

You're gonna end up in jail!

Are you really telling me

that if your son was up there
in a thong and high heels,

you wouldn't do everything
in your power to fix it?

She has a point.

You are the mama of all bears
when it comes to your son.

Well, as your sponsor,

I think there's another way
to handle this.

As a mother, I'm coming up!

This is actually fun.

Hey, maybe I should paint
one of my houses.

Is that a hickey on your neck?

What? Shh!

Ladies, thank you
for dropping whatever

or whoever you were doing
to come here and help me.

Tammy, did you
give her a tail?

I'm gonna paint over it.

Remember, don't look down.

Why? What's
wrong with it?

(screaming)

(ringtone playing)

Sorry, Christy.
Cannot FaceTime with you now.

(grunts) All right, Boz.

We have been through this.
You got to exercise.

You heard what the doctor said.

He was very clear.

Okay.

Do you want to be
on the low-calorie dry food

when everyone else
gets the good stuff?

I'm not giving in.

I googled the side effects
of feline diabetes,

and they're very upsetting.

Yeah, just a heads-up.

Looks like we're gonna be late
to the meeting again.

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