Mom (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 8 - Chicken Hands and Toxic Narcissism - full transcript

Hey, Christy, what's up?

Hey, Mom, I'm going
to the smoothie place

because I've had a day
that requires a smoothie.

Want one?

Yeah. But I bet my day was worse.

Not possible. My boss
gave me a contract to proof

and... I dropped it in a toilet.

Post-flush, but... still.

Well, I had a three-hour
fight with my husband

with no angry silences, so it's
really like a six-hour fight.

Is this a new fight or an extension



of the one you were having last night?

New one, but with subtle
echoes of the last one.

Same theme: he doesn't listen to me.

I literally feel like a ghost.

Oh, my God. What if you are a ghost?

What if you and I had
this difficult relationship

and I thought we had worked it all out,

but it was just your ghost?

Bam. Nobody sees that coming.

I asked him to meet me for
lunch and he said "okay,"

but then he went to the gym.

I spent a half an hour
sitting on a hard bench

reading the Sonoma Acorn.

By the way, Barbara Feldman Real Estate



is going out of business. End of an era.

Hey, Mom, can we have this
conversation over a couple

of smoothies that are really
just fruity milkshakes?

Yeah, but put a vitamin boost in mine

so I think it's healthy.

Okay, you got...

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.

- What's wrong?
- Smoothies are canceled.

- Hi, babe.
- Hey, where are you?

I thought we'd take Gus to the park.

Honey, it's Tuesday at 10:00.

Oh, yeah, meeting.

- Hi, alcoholics!
- Nope.

Not a meeting. What am I thinking?

Uh, you're at coffee
with the ladies. Uh...

- Hi, ladies!
- I'm at therapy,

which you knew because
an hour ago when you said,

"What you got going on today?" I said...

You said therapy. I listen.

Hi, Trevor. It's not
true. I'm a great guy.

We'll discuss this later,

once Trevor tells me how I feel.

I don't tell you how you feel.

Which is another way
you're letting me down.

Anyway, I got so irritated
the other night, and...

I'm not proud of this...
I threw a potato at him.

A fingerling. I'm not an animal.

Would you say the level of
conflict in your marriage

has escalated recently?

Well, Adam and I are newlyweds.

You know what they say.

What do they say?
"It's been three months,

let loose the tiny potatoes"?

You seem edgy. Everything all right?

We're not here to talk about me.

That is the dumbest rule.
You and I are friends.

We are not friends.

We have been hanging out
every Tuesday for eight months.

We are not hanging out.

I am helping you navigate your life.

Exactly. That's what friends do, Trev.

Oh, come on, tell me one
random thing about yourself.

Like, that's not your real nose, right?

I will not share anything
about my personal life with you.

- What if I...
- No.

You may not guess things and then try

and read my facial expressions.

Sure, 'cause your new
nose is unreadable.

Well, our time's almost up

and there's something I'd
like to talk to you about.

Is it the health issues you're having?

I've been seeing you pro Bono,

and I think it's time we
discuss you paying a modest fee.

Aha. Financial problems.

Yes, Bonnie, I'm broke.

That's why I'm asking
you for $35 a week.

$25, and you can't spend it on lattes.

$35, and I can spend
it on whatever I want.

Fine, but you have to
tell me how you spend it.

I will not.

Deal.

Sorry. I had to play hardball.

Hypothetical question.

If you hit a parked car
and there's no damage,

would you leave a note?

You wouldn't, right? You wouldn't.

Well, what would it say...

"Sorry for doing nothing to your car"?

Agreed.

Completely unrelated
hypothetical question.

Does this look like damage to you?

I don't think you know
what "hypothetical" means.

Yeah, or "damage," because this bumper

has a scuff, a dent and a scrape.

She couldn't have done it,
she was with me the whole time.

Tammy, I don't need an alibi.

Trust me, you do.

We were watching Dirty Dancing.
It's your favorite movie.

I'd never seen it before,
but I was utterly charmed.

We ordered medium cheese
pizzas and then talked about

how amazing it must have
been to be Jewish in the '60s.

I'll more be more convincing tomorrow

'cause almost all of that
happened to me yesterday.

So you didn't leave a note?

I did leave a note.

Oh, good.

Then I drove back and took it.

Classic Plunkett move. We
almost do the right thing.

I just panicked.

But now I feel awful.

I've been having nightmares.

Last night I dreamt

I backed into the car and it exploded.

Then it turned out
George Clooney was inside

and we ended up making out.

And I felt bad, because I
respect his wife so much.

Did you leave her a note?

Sweetie, I think you need to
make amends to these people.

Oh, I really wish I could,

but there's just no way
to track them down, so... .

move on, live my life.

Well, there was a license plate
in that little picture you took.

I mean, I could ask
Andy to abuse his access,

run the numbers and get you an address.

It's against the rules, but he likes

showing off policey stuff for me.

Thanks Jill. Super helpful.

- Okay. Should we get the check?
- I'm having marital problems.

I guess not.

Do you guys think Adam
and I fight too much?

- Oh, yeah, way too much.
- Yeah. It's out of control.

Hey. I'm sorry. Only
interested in hearing

from people who've been married.

- I've been married.
- What?

I was 22. A guy promised me $3,000

to marry him for a green card, so I did.

Next morning I found out
he was broke and from Iowa.

But how often did you fight?

Just the once.

Hello.

Hi. Are you George Huang?

No, that's my dad.

Is he here?

I accidentally hit
his car a few days ago

and wanted to apologize.

He probably didn't even notice.

Oh, he definitely noticed.

It's all he's talked about
for the last two days.

If I were you, I'd run.

Who is it?

Don't buy anything.

Hi. Uh, I'm the one who hit your car.

Betty, it's the
criminal who hit our car.

What kind of person
doesn't leave a note?

Betty, I did leave a note.

Then I went back and took it.

Why do I keep telling people that?

Are you gonna translate for me?

I don't think you want me to.

Like, every little
problem Adam and I have

turns into a fight.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm too broken to be
in a partnership with someone.

Hey, for 35 bucks, I expect words.

Shrink it up.

What if I were to give you some tools

to communicate with Adam better?

Well, now we're talking.
That sounds like value.

- Lay 'em on me.
- What I would suggest

is when things get heated,
uh, try some physical contact.

You want me to hit him?

I mean, you know, granted,
he won't see it coming.

I want you to give him a gentle
touch in order to maintain

a loving connection during conflict.

In our case, gentle touch
frequently leads to sex.

But maybe that's what you're going for.

Sex is not a resolution for conflict.

Then you're not doing it right.

Also, we've noticed you have
some impulse control issues.

What if you and Adam try to count to two

before saying anything
during an argument?

That's stupid.

Now, if you had counted
to two just then,

you might've said
something more constructive.

One, two.

Nope, still stupid.

Okay. Sadly, we're out of time.

See you next week.

Okay. Great.

Ooh.

Almost forgot.

Ooh.

- That's a Life Saver.
- You're a Life Saver.

Hey!

Hey! I'm in here.

I hope you're hungry,
'cause I've been ma...

What's that?

Fried chicken.

I was starving on the way home.

I saved you the legs.

Adam, I specifically
told you this morning

that I was making dinner.

Why can't you ev...

One, two.

You see, my love,

I made salmon for us.

Why are you counting?

It's a tool Trevor gave me.

You count to two so you
don't say things in anger.

I'm paying now, so
this is the elite stuff.

You're paying now? You
didn't tell me that.

Yes, I did!

One, two. Yes, I did.

Okay, what's this?

The other tool he gave me.

It's supposed to make us feel connected.

Your hand smells like
fish. And by the way,

I've told you a dozen
times I hate salmon.

I hate the way you say "ma-ture,"

but you got to hit
the hard "T," don'tcha?

And touch me back. One, two.

One, two. The point is,
you don't listen to me.

One, two, three. You
don't listen to me, either.

I never said "three"!

You don't even listen to
how many numbers to use!

Kind of pulling my hair a little bit.

I kind of know!

Let me guess.

You watched Flashdance last night?

What.

A.

Feeling.

I spent two hours on the movie

and two hours cutting the necklines

out of all my sweatshirts.

And some of mine before
I took the scissors away.

Why are you suddenly
watching all the movies

I loved in the third grade?

'Cause I never saw 'em.

'Cause you were poor?

'Cause I was drunk.

It's amazing how much pop
culture you miss out on

when you're loaded all the time.

I know. For years I
thought Ellen DeGeneres

and David Spade were the same person.

Oh, my God.

I just got asked out.

Say yes. Say yes.

Even if it's a wrong number.

It's the son of the
couple whose car I hit.

I paid for their bumper, and now
he wants to have coffee with me.

Look at that... The
universe is rewarding you

for doing the right thing.

Well, be careful... you
don't even know this guy.

He could be a serial killer.

Or just want to kill you and be done.

I say pack your Mace, roll the dice.

Thanks, Mom.

Yeah, go ahead,
Sandra, pack your bag!

It didn't scare me last time you did it,

and it doesn't scare me now!

I am not trying to scare you!

I am trying to get away
from your toxic narcissism!

We have been having
the same fight for 16 years!

Nothing is ever good enough for you!

I am so done with you!

Bonnie?

Hello.

- Hi! Kevin!
- Hey!

I-I'll be right there.

Great. I'll get us a table.

Oh, no, no, no!

Damn it.

I'm gonna be alone forever!

Sorry about that.

No worries.

I lost track of the time.

Are you okay?

As always, we're not
here to talk about me.

So, were you able to
utilize the tools with Adam?

We tried.

If anything, they made the fight bigger.

Maybe that's why you don't use them

when you fight with your wife.

I know this is asking a lot,
but I'd really like you to try

and forget what you witnessed earlier.

Sure. Forgotten.

Anyway, we tried physical
touch, we tried counting.

It just led to me
throwing more potatoes,

and this time it wasn't
the little ones...

They were mashed and
covered in hot butter.

Well...

some fights are too big for the tools.

Sometimes the rupture
between the two of you

is so deep and so wide you
can't even hear each other.

You try and you try, and you...

you want to put everything back
in the box, but you just can't.

That sounds very painful.

Sometimes I wake up, I don't
even know how to breathe.

Wait. What did you just do?

I created a safe space without judgment.

I'm not sure I like this.

That's okay. Just live with
the feeling for a moment.

I don't know.

I feel like I've worked my ass off.

I've given her a great life, but...

yet nothing is ever good enough.

Why are you making
this all about yourself?

I don't think I am.

You have to remember, her inner life

is totally separate from you.

Isn't it possible she has
needs that aren't being met

that have nothing to do with you?

Huh.

That's something to think about.

It is, isn't it?

Well, obviously, today
went off the rails.

I'm not gonna charge you for this week.

Of course not. But I
am gonna charge you.

Thirty-five dollars.

I'm not kidding.

You.

Hi. I'm not sure why I keep
choosing to do it this way,

but here's a note and a check.

Razing or totally damaging

- 30 homes, triggering...
- Hey.

Hey.

I know you were just in therapy.

I know you're in charge of dinner.

I'm just sitting here being mature.

How are you?

I'm fine.

Don't just say fine. I'm
really asking how you are.

Oh, God, is this another therapy tool?

What's next? Are we gonna talk
to each other with puppets?

His puppets are for kids,
and I'm not allowed to play with them

since I left them in funny positions.

This is just me realizing
I want you to listen to me,

but I don't always
stop to listen to you.

So...

do you have stuff on your mind?

Yeah, I got tons of stuff on my mind.

Like what?

Well, the big topic in
here these days is death.

Oh.

Mine or yours?

Definitely mine.

You know...

getting married kind
of gave me a future...

and people that I need
to... take care of,

and my last birthday,

I-I turned the same age
as my dad was when he died,

so yeah, I'm thinking about dying.

How often?

Oh, you know, three,
four hundred times a day.

Honey, that's pretty often.

I take breaks and...
worry about earthquakes.

Okay, I'm gonna touch you now,

and it's not a therapy thing.

It's an "I love you" thing.

You know you don't
have to worry about me.

I can take care of myself.

I know that.

It still doesn't help.

Did you feel that?

Jill, thanks so much for hosting.

Oh, this is gonna be so fun.

Footloose Kevin Bacon is
my favorite Kevin Bacon.

This is way nicer than Marjorie's.

The screen's bigger
than a postage stamp,

and we don't have to fight the cats

for couch space or popcorn.

Yes, it's wonderful.

- Mm.
- Thank you, Jill.

- And it smells so clean.
- Okay.

Okay.

I got Milk Duds...

and Whoppers.

I had Reese's Pieces, but...

it's a long walk from the kitchen.

It's just nicer in every way.

Clap it!

Alright, starting the movie

Since when do
you wear glasses?

I just found out I need them.
You know, for movies.

Maybe a little bit
for driving.

What'd you do,
hit another car?

Hope so. That's
how she meets men.

Movie's starting.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm gonna dance
for the entire movie,

'cause the people in this town can't.