Mom (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 9 - Tuna Florentine and a Clean Handoff - full transcript

Tammy Diffendorf.

Hey.

Hey, Eve.

Oh, I see you brought
your friend. Again.

Not just friend. Advocate.

You know, so you
can't plant drugs on her.

I'm her parole officer.

If she goes back to jail,
I look bad.

Do ya? Or do you get a kickback
for feeding the machine?

I brought you
my pay stubs,

um, and gave them my urine
sample at the front desk.



Clean handoff this
week... no spillage.

Um, Bonnie can vouch
for my AA meetings.

- Kay, Tammy...
- I took video,

but just don't look
at the other people,

'cause it's supposed
to be anonymous.

Although there might be
a bass player

from a sort of
famous band in there.

[imitates bass slapping]
That's all you get.

Okay, stop.

Tammy...
I've got some news for you.

I recommended you
for early release from parole.

Seriously?

You've been totally clean
for a year now.

You've never missed
any of our appointments.



You're one
of my success stories.

Yeah. You're one
of our success stories.

This is amazing.

So when do we find out?

I can put you in front
of a judge Tuesday at 10:00 a.m.

- Perfect.
- Ooh.

10:00's not good for me.
Could we make it 11:30?

This may stun you...

but you're not required
for this.

Eve, buddy,
this is our win.

It doesn't happen
without you and me.

- And me.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Well, either way,
it's 10:00 a.m.

I'll move some things around.

Thanks, buddy.

[♪♪] *MOM*
Season 07 Episode 09

*MOM*
Title : "Tuna Florentine and a Clean Handoff"

Sync corrections by srjanapala

To Tammy Diffendorf,
free woman.

Oh... ALL: To Tammy.

Thanks, guys.
It still doesn't even seem real.

I was in the courtroom.
It's real.

And boring when
you're not the defendant.

[laughs]Christy, I don't know why
you want to be a lawyer.

So I can help people.

[snoring]

Well, you all helped me.
I would not

be a free woman
if it weren't for you guys.

ALL: Aw.

But especially...

Oh, right.
My higher power.

Okay, and...

- Myself.
- Uh-huh. Also?

Please thank my mom

or we'll never
get through this moment.

Bonnie, no,
it goes without saying.

But you could say it.

I would still be in jail
if you hadn't been there for me

- when I needed you.
- There it is. Mm.

Salads for everyone.

Hold on.
Are you offering to pay for lunch?

As a matter of fact,
I am.

With a credit card
from a bank in this country

- with my real name on it.
- [laughs]

Base salad only.
Nobody add protein.

But I'm starving.

Fine. I'll cover shrimp.

But I'm allergic.

Listen,
I have not been sleeping,

so you will eat the shrimp
and you will love it.

Then later,
I'm gonna use this

to buy my husband a
spectacular birthday present.

Something he wants
or something you want?

Excuse me?

That's what you do.

When I turned six

you gave me a coffeemaker.

Because you made
the coffee.

And also, I was tired of seeing
you scald your little hands.

That's why I don't have
a thumbprint.

- Happy birthday!
- Whoa!

Open it.

Wow. Okay.

Let me take the bow
off for you.

Ah, man, that's great.

I know. Remember last month
when we were watching TV

and there was a random guy
in the background

and you said you loved
his jacket

and I didn't even know
what you were talking about,

so we went back
and paused it?

Also, I had no idea
our TV could do that.

Anyway,
this is that jacket.

Oh.So you really like it?

I do.
Thank you, honey.

Put it on, put it on.

Oh, my God.

So hot.
If I were a few years younger,

I'd be pregnant
right now.

"Inspected by 12."

Aw, 12, he's the best.

[laughs]
Birthday breakfast.

Birthday boy gets

whatever he wants.

What... he
wants.

You love it?

I love you both.

- But the jacket more.
- [clicks tongue]

I did it!

Did what?
Do I want to know?

I gave Adam something he really
wanted for his birthday.

Really? You're married
and you're still doing that?

A gorgeous leather,
very expensive jacket.

And you know it's classy
'cause they had

the "can't steal it" wire
on it.

And you know I'm classy
'cause I didn't steal it.

Aw, Mom,
good for you.

This is gonna sound crazy,
but it almost feels like

it's better
giving a gift than getting one.

You mean it's better to give
than to receive?

I like the way I said it.

Hey, happy birthday.

Aw, thanks.

Where's your jacket?

Babe, I'm still in my pajamas.

But I want Christy
to see it.

Go get it.
No, you'll take forever.

I'll go get it.

I got you a card and a coupon
Oh...

for one free consultation

- when I become a lawyer.
- Ah.

Or, if I flunk out
of law school,

one free hug.

Which I will definitely need.

Ah, you drew a little picture
of you with a briefcase.

Yeah, and a scarf.
That's gonna be my thing.

Oh. Thanks, Christy.

All right, arms out.

Let's get this bad boy
on this bad boy.

Oh, wow, Mom,
you did great.

He looks fantastic.

- I did, didn't I? He does, doesn't he?
- Yeah.

I am delicious.

What, you're taking it off?

I'm gonna hop in the shower.
I love it. Thank you.

- Huh.
- What?

Well, I just thought
he'd be a little more,

you know,
"Pow. Nailed it.

You're the best wife ever."

Maybe a few tears of joy?

Would it kill him?

Want to see the coupon
I got him?

[scoffs]
You need so much validation.

All right,
tonight we live.

Two words: Fancy Feast.

Are you drooling,
Carlos Santana?

I think you are.
And I don't blame you.

You've got "Tuna Florentine
with garden greens

in a delicate sauce."
Enjoy.

What in the hot hell
is going on here?

I'm feeding the cats.

Tuna Florentine

is for special occasions.

Carlos,
do not eat that.

This is a special occasion.
I'm a free woman.

They get sick if they eat
too much rich food.

- You know the rules.
- Aw,

screw the rules.

Poor things are trapped
in these four walls.

They eat when you
tell them to eat,

no one's allowed on the bed,

and they all have to use
the same bathroom.

Let 'em live.

When you get your own cats,
you can do it your way.

Spread the word.
I'm leaving a window open tonight.

Wings, a beer,
and a shot.

Good morning.

Ah, the one thing my wife
didn't get in the divorce:

- my drinking problem.
- Well...

it's like they say:

why is divorce so expensive?
'Cause it's worth it.

Not that I would know.
I've never been married.

How is that possible?

Well, I never really met
the right guy, and also,

I was in prison
for the last seven years.

Ooh, tall and dangerous.

And no longer on parole.

I can do what I want
when I want, and who want.

Tammy,

- can I see you for a sec?
- Ah.

Uh-oh,
boss is getting jealous.

- He should be.
- [laughs]

- Tammy.
- Whaaat?!

Can I speak to you?

[clears throat]

What is your problem?
Mike's fed, watered

and ready to sprout.

That's my problem.

The ink isn't dry
on his divorce.

That's not a pool
you want to splash around in.

A guy stuck
in an unhappy marriage

who hasn't had
good sex in years?

Fetch me my snorkel.

Listen...

Come on, he's-he's a regular.
It could get messy.

If we do it right.

As your boss,
can you just do what I say?

Oh, sure.
You're the big boss man.

You tell me
when to take my breaks,

you force me to shove
my hair in a net,

and now you're in charge
of my vagina?

I-I don't think
I'm allowed to speak anymore.

Good. Me and my vagina
are taking a break.

Okay, wow,
you said it again.

- Bonnie.
- Tammy.

Hey, silly, look what
you left at home.

But, babe,
it's-it's hot out today.

But don't you want to
show it off to your friends?

Sure, but I'm-I'm working,

and I don't want
to get beer all over it and...

Huh.

What?

I'm beginning to think
you don't like this jacket.

I do. I really do.
I'll put it on.

Well, now you're just
putting it on for me.

Yes, I am, because
that's what you want.

No. This is all about
what youwant.

- What's wrong?
- Oh, forget it,

everything's
perfect, everything's fine.

Well, at least
she didn't say vagina.

I haven't been sleeping
lately.

Which is really frustrating,
because everything

that used to make me sleepy
is a no-no.

And by "everything,"
I mean booze and pills.

And sometimes cocaine,
which didn't help,

but it made it fun
to stay awake.

I tried mint tea,
tried meditating.

I even called a girlfriend and
listened to her

- drone on about her day.
- [gasps]

Well, don't gasp.
Now everybody knows it was you.

Oh, anyway,

super sober and super tired.
Thanks.

[applause]

Aren't you hot
in that thing?

Shut up.

Who wants to share next?

- Bonnie, alcoholic.
- ALL: Hi, Bonnie.

I bought this jacket
for my husband.

There was nothing in it
for me.

No quid pro quo.

Just an honest woman lovin'
on her man, but guess what?

- Turns out men don't care.
- Mm-hmm.

Write that down,
young'uns.

Don't care.

Should have bought him
the InstaPot that I wanted.

But I didn't,
and you know why?

Because I've evolved.

So thank God
for sobriety

and thank God
my ingrate husband

and I are roughly
the same size.

- Who else wants...
- Tammy, alcoholic.

ALL:
Hi, Tammy.

Where do I start?

At the beginning, idiot.
Fine.

[clears throat]

Personally,
I'm doing pretty good.

I'm actually fantastic.

I just got off parole,
lost a lot of constraints.

But, um,
I'm starting to realize

the whole world is
a prison.

I mean,
everyone's always telling you

what to do and how to do it.

Like this meeting.

It has to start
at a certain time.

The chairs have to be
in a circle

instead of a triangle,
aka pyramid,

which is proven
to be more powerful,

My damn phone tells me
to stand up.

Even my car
bosses me around.

Beep, beep, beep,
put on your seatbelt.

Beep, beep, beep, you've arrived
at your destination.

I'll tell you when I've arrived
at my damn destination.

Hey, just take it off.
Never.

TAMMY:
You people are all blind.

You don't see it but I do,
and I'm done.

Actually, if you could be done,
that'd be great.

The timer's already
gone off twice.

So?
I'm not finished talking.

- Well, it's the rule.
- Oh, everybody hear that?

Warden Wendy's
cracking her whip.

No talking on the
way to the yard.

Ugh, honey, you know meetings
have rules for a reason.

Well, maybe
I want to change the rules.

Then we need to have
a business meeting

- and take a group conscience.
- Ugh.

And if you want to do that,
you have to make a motion.

You know what?
I'll give you a motion.

[blows raspberry]

Okay, who else
would like to share?

I'm worried about Tammy.
Do you think she's okay?

I drove by her and offered
to give her a ride.

She just flipped me off
and licked my window.

What am I missing?

I thought getting off parole
was supposed to be a good thing.

Oh, actually,
it can be a very scary time.

I remember when I finally
cleared parole.

All right, this is gonna be
a long one,

I can't take it.

All the freedom and the, uh,

lack of structure that I'd, uh,

been longing for
made my head spin.

It took a while before I really

felt comfortable.

We just have to be
patient with Tammy,

and support her
in whatever way we can.

Wow.

You're better than
Sleepytime Tea.

Charge your phone.
I'm calling you tonight.

[TV playing indistinctly]

I found someone
who likes the jacket.

Okay.

Let's talk about this.

What's to talk about?
I got you a jacket you wanted

and you hate it.
I'm good, you're bad, the end.

I'm sorry, babe.

It worked for the guy on TV,

but when I looked
at myself in the mirror...

I felt ridiculous.

I'm not
a kid riding a motorcycle.

I'm 62.

And a man my age should not
be in that many zippers.

Oh, our first married birthday,

and I flubbed my chance.

No. You went to
a ton of trouble

to get me something
that I wanted.

That means a lot to me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You're the best.
Aw.

You know,

this is gonna sound
so stupid,

but it's almost like
the actual gift didn't matter

as much as the effort
I put into it.

Yeah.

Y-You mean it's the
thought that counts.

I like the way
I said it better.

Oh, break it up,
we got to go.

It's 3:00 a.m.,
where are we going?

Marjorie called,
she's freaking out,

Tammy never came home.

[sighs]
To the AA mobile.

What's going on with Tammy?

- She's been weird at the bar.
- What'd she do?

She said a word
that I'm not comfortable with.

Twice.

Vagina.
He hates that word.

I don't blame him.

I really think we could
have done better there.

Do you think
Tammy's drinking?

I don't know.

My drinky sense
isn't tingling.

Mine is.

But it could be allergies.

Ugh.
God, I don't miss this.

Me either.

Driving around
looking for you.

Riding my bike
looking for you.

It's been a long time
since I stayed up all night

wondering when you're
gonna come home.

Every night you're home.

Every night.

Mom, I'm trying.

Everyone's either married, gay,

or transitioning into someone

who is not interested in me.

I just hope she's not
doing something stupid.

I think I love you.

I didn't come here to talk.

[knocking, pounding]

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Hey.

You were right.
I slept with Mike.

It got a little messy.
Is Bonnie here?

Oh, my God, I am so tired.

From now on,
if anybody has a crisis,

please do it during
normal business hours.

Oh, I'm loving it.

I was up anyways.

I'd rather be around you
guys than my thoughts.

- [phone rings]
- It's her.

Where are you?

- Your place. Where are you?
- Your place.

Everyone's here.
We're all worried about you.

- You should be.
- Did you drink?

No. It's not that.
I just really need your help.

Did she drink?
Yes or no?

- No.
- You won't help me?

Of course I'll help you.

We all want to help her.
Put her on speaker.

I'm putting you on speaker,
so don't discuss Secret Santa.

Tammy, what's going on?

I don't know.
The last couple days,

my brain has been going
a hundred miles an hour,

and I just...
I can't slow it down.

Well, we're all
here for you.

- TAMMY: Who's that?
- That was Wendy.

- TAMMY: Who's that?
- That was Jill.

Okay, look, can everybody
just say their names

before they speak?

Bonnie, alcoholic.
Oh... Sorry, muscle memory.

Go on.

Okay, uh, look.
It's just so terrifying.

You know, I mean,
I've spent most of my life

in one system or another,

and they always
shoved rules down my throat.

I hated it.

But I also know
that without rules,

I can make the biggest mistakes
of my life.

And I know I've been
acting a little crazy.

Christy here.
Yes, you have.

This is Jill.

We just want
what's best for you.

Wendy. Mm-hmm.

You need to trust yourself more.
You've put in the work.

You know, you're not
the same person you were

when you robbed that steakhouse.
You can handle this.

Can I?

Bonnie got out of her own head
by being there for you.

Maybe you need to do that
for somebody else.

You can probably tell
that was Marjorie, but I agree.

Okay, I don't hate that.
Keep talking.

Can I go back
to bed now?

You know what?
I could really use a cup of coffee.

I see some familiar faces.

Barb, I think you got out
ahead of me?

Sorry you're back.

For those of you
who don't know me, um,

I spent seven years
inside.

Yeah, you might find
my initials

carved in the wall
by the good phone.

But I got out,
and recently I got off parole.

And believe me,
I never thought

that I would want
to come back here.

But I found AA here.

I'll never forget
my first meeting.

I just came to break
my day up.

Maybe score a cookie.

I had no intention
of getting sober.

I would sit in that chair...
That chair right there...

And I would stare
at that fan...

Oh, the fan's gone.

No wonder
it's a little warm.

Anyway, I would sit there
and think,

"Why is my life such a mess?"

But I kept coming back
to this meeting,

and I am so glad I did,

because
it started to sink in.

And even before I left,
things just got better.

I mean, the showers

were still an adventure, but...

suddenly I had hope.

And then,
when I got out,

the program really saved
my ass.

And now I have these great women
in my life, you know?

Who, who...

who have my back,

talk me off a ledge,
you know?

And keep me from
landing back here, like Barb.

Sorry, Barb.

Anyway...

I just want to say that it...

it works,
if you work it.

And you're worth it.

Sync corrections by srjanapala