Mom (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 10 - Higgledy-Piggledy and a Cat Show - full transcript

Candy cane pie
is so good.

I wish they served it
all year round.

I think the reason we love
candy canes so much

is because they give
you the same feeling

as rubbing coke
on your gums.

It kind of does.

And I won't be up vacuuming
naked at 3:00 in the morning.

I know what I want
for Christmas.

A videotape of Marjorie
on cocaine.

Well, there wouldn't
be videos.

It'd be chiseled
on a cave wall.



What are you guys doing
on Christmas Eve?

Anyone want to come caroling
with me and my church group?

No, no-no, no, no-no, no-no.

But thanks for asking.

Ah, I wish we could,
but we've got plans.

- With each other.
- On Christmas.

Can you believe it?

Adam's working, so we're gonna
make gingerbread houses

and watch movies
in matching jammies.

You don't know
how hard it was

to find footie pajamas
in her size.

Or how easy it was
to find 'em in hers.

Well, if anybody wants
to come sing,

we hit Bluebird Lane
around 7:00.



Oh, it's my sponsee.

I have to take it.
She totally relies on me.

Hi, Patty.
How can I put my life on hold

while I help
you today?

She calls her
four times a day.

Well, I'm gonna be calling you
a ton 'cause I'm in freefall.

Andy took off to Minnesota to
spend Christmas with his mother.

Well, why didn't
you go with him?

There's lots of
reasons, Tammy.

The big one being
he didn't invite me.

I mean, if you
and I were dating,

and you were going
home for the holidays,

you would take me,
wouldn't you?

It depends.
Are we exclusive?

Does every date end
in a sleepover?

Have we taken
a bath together?

Yes to all three.

Well, then I would
definitely take you home

and parade you around
the local Applebee's.

Oh, I don't know
what Applebee's is,

but Tammy's a
good boyfriend.

Patty's going through
a rough patch,

so I invited her to
spend Christmas with us.

Oh. Well,

Christmas with me,
my mom and a stranger.

Not the first time.Mm.

In fact, why doesn't everyone
come over Christmas Eve?

It might help
cheer Patty up.

You want to go
to this party, baby?

'Cause if you not,
we can stay home and snuggle.

*MOM*
Season 07 Episode 10

*MOM*
Title :"Higgledy-Piggledy and a Cat Show"

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?

I'm setting up
the coffee.

But everything's
all higgledy-piggledy.

Look,
I didn't go to college.

What does that mean?

It means
the stir sticks go here,

and the sweeteners go here.

Talk about higgy-wiggy.

I mean, most people
are right-handed.

It makes more sense
to do it this way.

Ugh. But we're alcoholics.

You can't just
go changing things,

'cause we don't like change!

Look, Bonnie's
running a little late.

She asked me to handle it.
I'm handling it!

Okay. Marjorie, can you tell Tammy
to stop moving the stir sticks!

Oh, God, she moved
the stir sticks?

No!

And this is where
we have our meetings.

It's also where
they have

bingo, country line dancing
and, uh, CPR classes.

I came on the wrong day once,
and now I can Heimlich a baby.

My baby's eight
years old.

I'm not allowed
to see her.

Nice job, Christy.

Everyone, this is Patty,
my sponsee.

Come meet Patty,
my sponsee.

Patty, this is Marjorie,
Jill, Tammy, Wendy.

This is my sponsee, Patty,
the woman who I sponsor.

Hi.Hi.
Welcome.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

I'm gonna sit down.

If you think
she seems sad now,

you should have seen her before
I started working my magic.

Okay, what dumb-ass got
creative with the stir sticks?

I thought I was handling
my boyfriend abandoning me

at Christmas pretty well.

But then he sent me a picture
of him and his mom.

S-Sweet, right?

But if you zoom in
close on his left arm,

you can clearly see
three fingers

that belong to a lady
who was obviously cropped out.

Um, I'm trying not to obsess
over what is probably nothing,

but who is she?

Who is she?

Who is she?!

Anyway,
if I'm not here tomorrow,

I'm in Minneapolis
with blood on my hands. Thanks.

Would anybody else
like to share?

I hated when you did this to me,

but it's fun doing it
to someone else.

Go ahead.

Hi. I'm Patty,
and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi, Patty. - Hi, Patty.
- Hi, Patty. - Hi, Patty.

I have 85 days,

which is the longest
I've ever had,

thanks to my incredible sponsor.

I called her yesterday
because my mom told me

that she won't let me see
my daughter at Christmas.

Aw.It's because of last year.

I got wasted before lunch,
knocked over the Christmas tree,

and then I started screaming
at my mom.

My kid spent most of the day
crying.

I thought

having 85 days might buy me
a second chance.

It didn't.

So, what's the point
of having 85 days?

That's it.

Hi, I'm Marjorie,
alcoholic.

- Hi, Marjorie. - Hi, Marjorie.
- Hi, Marjorie. - Hi, Marjorie.

This time of year
just makes me extra grateful

for my life
and the people in it.

Take a
look at that hand.

Am I overreacting?

But now,

It's a 30-hour drive.

Wear a diaper,
go straight through.

Thanks for sharing
your room with me.

Mm. No problem.

This is sort of
like we're sisters.

Oh, my God. That would
make Bonnie my mom.

Oh, I wish Bonnie
was my mom.

When I was a kid,
I would say the same thing.

Girls, it's late.

Keep it down or invite me in.

- We'll be quiet.
- Come on in!

Well, how you holding up?

Well, I'm okay,
I guess.

I'm just sad that when
my daughter looks back

on this Christmas,

all she's gonna remember
is that I wasn't there.

Or worse, she'll
remember the years I was.

I know it's hard
to imagine right now,

but one day,
you guys might be able

to look back
and laugh at this stuff,

even the most
painful parts.

We do it constantly.

Ooh, remember that time
when I was 11?

You're gonna have
to be more specific.

Christmas Eve.

This one goes out with her new
boyfriend of 48 hours

to buy a few
last-minute presents.

Oh, come on now.
Not that story.

No, it's funny,
it's funny, it's funny.

Turns out, there's a bar
right next to the Toys "R" Us,

and I wake up Christmas
morning in an empty house.

Around noon,
the phone rings.

It's a collect call,
so I'm thinking

she's in jail again,
but no.

No, no. No, she got into a fight
with Dad of the Week,

and needs me
to go pick her up

at the park
where she passed out.

I'm 11.

So, I drive over
and get her.

In my defense,
she was an excellent driver.

Still is.Thanks.

That's incredible.

Not done.

On the way back home,
we stopped at a gas station

where I bought my own
Christmas presents...

Two Milky Ways
and a Teen Bopmagazine

with a fold-out poster
of Kirk Cameron.

I believe there was also
a Yoo-hoo involved.

Yes, yes, yes. Yoo-hoo.

Nothing says Christmas
like chocolate milk

that doesn't need
to be refrigerated.

Okay, this has been fun,
but if I'm not asleep

when Adam comes home, he'll want
to talk about his day.

Oh. Oh, oh. Oh!
I forgot the best part.

That night, she gets drunk
again, eats my Milky Ways

and then puts her chocolatey
fingers all over my magazine.

For the record, I didn't
get drunk again. I got high.

Sweet dreams.

Hmm.

Your mom
is awesome.

I feel like
everyone who lives

in my gingerbread
house is really happy.

Now they're all dead.

I'm thinking
they got out okay.

No, they're all pinned
under the rubble,

and the cell service is bad.

Something bothering
you, Patty?

My mom won't even let me talk
to Erica on the phone.

I'm sorry.

If it makes you feel any better,
my daughter won't talk to me,

and my son chose
to live with his father.

That's so sad.

I know. I was trying
to cheer you up to my level,

but I depressed myself
down to yours.

Okay, candidate
number five... Katie.

She went to high
school with Andy,

still lives in
town, not married.

Okay, look at
the fingers.

Are they too stubby?

Enough with the fingers.

Jill,
why aren't you participating

in this time-consuming,
supposedly fun yuletide ritual?

I am. But as
in real life,

I hired a contractor
to build my house for me.

How's it going over there, Tam?

It's great.

I'm building an 18th century
English country house.

I think you're gonna like it.

I just have
to redo these gables.

What happened to Bonnie?

She went to get a sweater.

That was, like, an hour ago.

It was?
Wow. Time sure flies

when you're building
a historically accurate

representation of a house
out of cookies.

Be right back.

Ooh. Forget stubby fingers.

- Look at candidate number six.
- Oh, my God,

- just call him!
- What?

You've got a great boyfriend
who loves you,

so stop inventing drama!

If you got a question,
just call him and ask, or get ready

to sit home with me every
Saturday night and knit socks!

I guess I could
give him a call.

Hey, Wendy,
if you're making socks,

I'm a size ten and a half,
and I like the ones

with little toes
like foot mittens.

I'm prepared
to sit here all night.

What do you
want me to say?

The holidays
are hard for me.

Oh, you're the one.

Christy told an...

awful story about
me last night.

I've heard it a
thousand times,

I've always laughed,
but for some reason,

now I want to punch
myself in the face.

I'm just...

suddenly...

...very ashamed
of who I was.

And that is not
how I roll.

You're right where
you're supposed to be.

What, hiding in my room
crying about something

that went down
30 years ago?

What's happening to you
is very common.

You've got almost five years,

and you're starting to see
your past through sober glasses,

and that can be painful.

Why during Christmas?

We don't get to schedule
when it happens.

It just,
it comes up when it comes up.

I once made a flight to Detroit
very, very uncomfortable

for my seatmates.

Why were you in Detroit?

It's the National Cat Show.

Is that why you were crying,

'cause you paid to go
to a cat show?

If you really must know,
I was crying

because 15 years earlier
I had cheated on my husband,

and for some reason mid-flight,

the enormity
of what I had done hit me.

Oh.

I get it.

Recovery is
a never-ending process.

We're slowly peeling back
layers of an onion.

You don't get to see it all
at once, but that's a blessing.

'Cause nobody could handle it.

Bit of a situation.

Patty has decided
to go kidnap her daughter.

That's not the word she's using,

but I'm telling you
that is what it is.

Hey, what's going on?

I'm going to get my daughter.

Get out of my way.

But what about your mom?

Gonna wait till
she falls asleep,

crawl through
the doggy door,

grab my kid and find a motel to
celebrate Christmas together.

Oh, my God,
we're gonna be on Dateline.

Patty... listen to me.

Sometimes
when we're angry,

we don't really make
the best decisions.

I just want to hug
my daughter, okay?

C-Come here. Sit down.

Here, have some...

chimney.

I know what you're going
through is really painful...

This is your first
sober Christmas...

But like everything in sobriety,
you don't have to face it alone.

You have me.

You have all of us.

Yeah. And we're
gonna help you

make the best of it.

And as your sponsor,
I'm supposed

to give you suggestions
that make you go, "Ugh,"

so here goes.

I want you to text your
mother and say "thank you."

Ugh! Why?

For taking such good
care of your daughter.

Just think about it.

Come on.

Let's get your stuff
back upstairs.

Fine.

If you're planning on
making a run for it,

just know that I
am stronger than I look.

- No, you're not.
- No, I'm not.

You handled that
beautifully.

Good,
'cause I want to die.

But I'm not gonna ruin
another Christmas.

Who wants to watch It's a Wonderful Life

even though it's not?

You know, it's early... we
could still go caroling.

♪ O holy no.

My God,
you have a beautiful voice.

I guess I could do
a couple of houses.

And that's how it's done.

So what do we do, just knock
on a door and start singing?

You don't knock on doors...
That's trick-or-treating.

We stand in the yard and sing.

If they like it, they come out
and give us cookies or candy.

So it is
trick-or-treating.

This is a pretty house.

I don't need it.

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas,
we wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you
a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a Happy New Year

- ♪ Good tidings we bring
- ♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

- ♪ To you and your kin
- ♪ We wish you...

- ♪ Good tidings for Christmas
- ♪ Christmas

- ♪ And a Happy New Year
- ♪ New Year

- ♪ Now, bring us some figgy pudding
- ♪ Pudding

- ♪ Now bring us some figgy pudding
- ♪ Pudding

♪ Now bring...

Were we that terrible?

No. This happens.
The important thing is

we leave before they
turn the sprinklers on.

Hey, it's me.

You're not picking up, so
I'm just gonna leave a message.

In that sweet picture
you sent me of you and your mom,

why the hell are there
lady fingers on your arm,

and why are they giving you
an affectionate squeeze?

Call me.
Who's the hand?

God, I miss having
a boyfriend.

I know. It's the best.

Christy's been cheering
me up with stories

- about what you used to be like.
- Mm.

Did you really steal
wrapped Christmas presents

- out of someone's car and give them toher?
- Yep.

That was the year Christy
got an electric razor

- and a smoking jacket.
- Ah.

Might also have been the
year she started smoking.

♪ Joy to the world

♪ The Lord is come

♪ Let earth receive

♪ Her King

- Yes!
- ♪ Let every

♪ Heart

♪ Prepare Him room

♪ And heaven and nature sing

♪ And heaven
and nature sing ♪

♪ And heaven
♪ And heaven

♪ And nature sing

♪ Joy to the world

♪ The Savior reigns

♪ Let men

♪ Their songs employ

♪ While fields and floods

♪ Rocks, hills and plains

♪ Repeat the sounding joy

♪ Repeat
the sounding joy ♪

♪ Repeat, repeat

♪ The sounding joy

♪ He rules the world

- ♪ With truth and grace
- Bonnie ran away.

♪ And makes the nations prove

♪ The glories of

♪ His righteousness

♪ And wonders of his love...

Merry Christmas.

♪ Wonders of...

Mom?

Bonnie?

Here, Bonnie, Bonnie!

Bonnie!

Bonnie Plunkett!

Come to my voice!

Follow the sound
of my voice!

I have
great news!

Did you find...

Sorry. Did you find her?

No. But I talked to Andy.

The fingers belong to his
ex-girlfriend from high school.

He told me nothing's going
on, and I believe him.

Merry Christmas to me!

I trust a man!

I think we found her.

I got this.

Hey...

Look who's away
in a manger.

Not funny.

Whatcha doin'?

Just hanging out with Mary.

She was a good mother.

I mean...

like me, her...
pregnancy was a surprise,

but after that,
she knocked it out of the park.

Where's this coming from?

Those stories you told Patty.

I was so awful.

I-I don't know how I'm
ever gonna make it up to you.

You've already done it.

You may just be feeling this,
but I'm finally over it.

I can tell those stories because
they don't hurt me anymore.

Also, people love them.

They're real crowd-pleasers.

They are colorful.

Mom...

you've come so far.

You're in such a healthy place.

I'm so proud of you.

Healthy?

I've got straw in my underwear.

But you're wearing underwear.

Are you okay?

Listen,

if you want to find a sponsor
who's a little more together,

I-I certainly would understand.

Are you kidding?
They say you're supposed to want

what your sponsor has.

More than anything, I want
what you have with Christy.

Check it out...
We're role models.

I guess we are.

And I did what you said.

I texted my mom
and thanked her.

Good job.

All right, come on,
let's go home.

Okay.

Christy, remember
when I stole the baby Jesus

from the nativity scene.

Yep. It was the only time
I got a doll for Christmas.

Look how many presents there are
under the tree.

Whoa. And there's
a stocking for me!

Merry Christmas, girls!

Can we start opening?

Hold on. Adam! Come on,
we're waiting for you!

I look ridiculous!

Who's a good boy, Gussie?

You're so good.

It doesn't get better than this.

It absolutely
gets better than this.

Oh, my God.

My mom's gonna let me FaceTime
with Erica

while she opens presents.

That's fantastic!

I'm so happy for you!

Mom, why are
you crying now?

I'm the best sponsor ever.

- You kinda are.
- Aw...

- Can I go change yet?
- No.

Sync corrections by srjanapala