Mom (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Cornbread and a Cashmere Onesie - full transcript

Hi, I'm Jill. I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Jill.

I got to tell you, if it
wasn't for this meeting tonight,

I never would've
gotten out of bed today.

Here we go.

Fifty shades of Jill.

Today's the anniversary
of my mother's suicide.

Obviously, I misspoke.

It's so weird

'cause I remember it
like it was yesterday.

I came home from school a little early



'cause cheerleading
practice was cut short.

Shannon Benson misjudged a scissor kick

and broke her own nose...

... which, believe me, was a godsend.

Anyway...

I walked in the kitchen and
she gave me a real tight hug,

which was odd because she
wasn't much of a hugger.

And then she gave me her
credit card and told me

to go to the mall and
buy myself something nice.

And when I got back, I...

I found her in the garage
slumped over the steering wheel

with the motor running.

I just stood there in my
new peach leather jacket,

too scared to move.



You know what, this is too...

I can't.

Thank you.

Would anyone else like to share?

I'll go.

Hi, Bonnie, alcoholic.

Hi, Bonnie.

What a day I've had.

I waited around all morning

for this package to be delivered.

I take two minutes to pee

and miss the guy.

Now, I got to go

wait in line at the post office forever.

Ugh!

I just want to kill myself.

Oh, Mom!

What?

Well, you could've given me a heads up.

Sorry, I didn't know
the hand signal for,

"Hey, idiot, Jill just
talked about her dead mother."

You think she noticed?

Yes, and do you know why she noticed?

Because she listens.

The reason the program
works is you share your pain,

other people listen and you feel
better 'cause you feel heard.

You feel like you're not alone.

Oh, my God, look, a three-legged dog.

He's got an apple.

Are you okay, honey?

I guess.

Just... too sad to eat.

Well, just know that
we're all here for you.

You know, it's always a hard day for me,

but this year it's just
really kicking my ass.

What do you think that's about?

My mother was 37 when she died.

That's how old I am now.

I've actually outlived her.

Okay, this is serious.

She told us her real age.

She had so much... A husband, a family,

a career... She still took her life.

I mean, I don't have any of that stuff.

What am I doing?

Who the hell puts
mustard on chicken salad?

I know, I know, I should've
left her in the car.

You know, I-I think I'm gonna go.

I'm just bringing the group down.

That's all right.

I do that all the time and I stay.

Yeah, Jill, hang out.

We can go catch a movie or something.

You guys are sweet.

I appreciate it.

- Bye.
- See you.

Okay, I don't know about you,

but I'm a little worried.

She's definitely not herself.

Yeah, it's time to circle the wagons,

make sure we're
available if she needs us.

It just goes to show,

you can have all the money in the world

and still be so unhappy.

Very true.

You know...

... I spoke too soon.

The mustard is working.

- Hey, wake up.
- What? Is that your wife?

There's someone at the door.

Well, go answer it.

No, this is when you

being a giant comes in handy.

- Who is it?
- It's Jill.

It's Jill.

Thank you.

I know we said we'd be there for her,

but I assumed it'd be
during business hours.

Sorry to bother you,

but I have some things
that I wanted to give you.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, why you ask?

It's after midnight.

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you guys

have jobs and stuff.

Here, this is for you.

Oh, my God, this is a Rolex.

What are you doing?

Well, I have all these things,

they don't make me happy,

so I'm getting rid of them.

Simplify, simplify, simplify.

Or to simplify, just simplify.

Okay, you're freaking me out.

Mom, say something.

That watch may be too
big for your wrist.

I'm not taking this.

Come on, let's have
a cup of tea and talk.

I really don't have
time to talk, though,

'cause I've got some clothes and purses

- for Marjorie and Wendy.
- It can wait.

You're not Santa Claus.

You don't have to do
it all in one night.

I like purses.

Victor, I know we said
we'd go to the mall,

but Jill's in crisis.

Yes, they probably can
handle her without me,

but I'd rather they not know that.

I got to go.

Hi.

Suddenly I feel under dressed.

"Suddenly"?

Where'd you get the tiara?

Jill gave it to me.

She was Miss Buttermilk Biscuit 1997.

And you weren't. Give it back.

No. It was a gift

from a dear and
possibly suicidal friend.

It means a lot to me.

Jill,

time to wake up.

Go away.

It's 3:00.

Don't you have things to do?

The Pilates class, massage,

something to wax?

Those things all sound so trivial now.

They are, that's why you love them.

The Great Grey Hope is here.

I don't know what to do.

She came over in the middle
of the night all wound up,

then she crashed and I
can't get her out of bed.

It's okay, I got it.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, Marjorie.

I understand you're giving away

all your stuff.

I have a teapot for you in my car.

I don't want your teapot, honey.

Is it silver?

Jill, giving away all your stuff

sounds like a cry for help.

It's just stuff.

I'm still alone.

You're not alone.

Yes, I am!

I mean, you have a husband

and these two have each other.

- Real fun.
- Lucky us.

All I go home to is my housekeeper,

my gardener and my pool guy.

Well, there you go.

Be grateful for them.

They hate me.

Okay, you got your health,
you have your sobriety...

A clean house with a pool and a garden.

Sounds to me like
somebody needs a meeting.

Oh, why bother?

My life is pointless.

Okay, that's it.

We're done.

Hey!

You just crossed the line

from feeling your feelings

to feeling sorry for yourself.

Get her.

So, instead of laying around here,

wallowing in self-pity,

you're gonna help someone

less fortunate than you.

I gave them a watch and a tiara.

I volunteer at a soup kitchen

once a month. You're coming with me.

To a soup kitchen?

That's a great idea. I'll go, too.

Mom?

Sure, I could go for some soup.

We're not having soup, are we?

Hey, Charlotte, you're looking good.

Hey, Marjorie.

This is Jill, she's
helping us out today.

Nice to meet you.

Did she get a nudge from the judge?

Nope, just volunteering.

Oh, God bless you, sweetie.

No, God bless you for,

you know, being homeless.

You were right.

A tiara would have
been out of place here.

It's out of place everywhere.

How long do we have to do this?

Oh, for God's sake,
it's been ten minutes.

That's not an answer.

Seriously?

You're not getting anything out of this?

Zip.

No gratitude, nothing positive?

Well, I wouldn't mind getting
the recipe for this cornbread.

You can't really be that self-obsessed.

Hey, I'm here, I'm spooning
out this white stuff.

It's mashed potatoes.

Yeah, I beg to differ.

Thank you, Marjorie.

I'm glad we're doing this.

I thought it might help.

I didn't realize how wonderful it is

to feel needed.

To take care of those who
can't take care of themselves.

Well, you know, you can come back here

any time you want.

They can always use the help.

Oh, no.

I'm never coming back here.

It's gross.

But now I know what's
missing in my life.

Well, that's terrific.

You guys hear that?

Jill's figured out

what's missing in her life.

Great, what is it?

I need to have a baby.

- What?
- A baby?

Well, now I'm paying attention.

Yeah, you know, something that loves me

and needs me and isn't allowed to leave.

Way to go, Marjorie.

... which is when I said,
"Way to go, Marjorie."

I was just trying to
give Jill perspective.

And it was a good idea.

That went horribly, horribly wrong.

So you guys all went to
a soup kitchen without me?

Yeah, and it was full of
good-looking single guys.

Don't get me wrong.

I love her, but Jill is the last person

in the world who
should be having a baby.

Normally, I'd agree with you,

but, I know a lot of women
with no maternal instincts

who turned out to be great mothers.

Thank you.

Did you even think to call me?

This isn't about you, Wendy.

Oh, hey, I finally got to
say it to somebody else.

This isn't about you, Wendy.

It's kind of fun.

I don't think we have to overreact here.

I mean, we all love Jill very much,

but let's be honest,

she has a short attention span.

Today she wants a baby,

tomorrow she'll want a Birkin bag.

She has a Birkin bag.

Really? And all she gave
me was that stupid tiara?

Wait, you guys got gifts?

I can't believe she's already
picking out sperm donors.

Well, she loves
shopping, it makes sense.

So, what's the plan?

I don't know, figure out a way

to talk her out of this baby craziness.

Great. What do you need from me?

Honestly?

Go away for about an hour

and come back with dinner.

Excuse me, but I can help.

I will tell her how painful it was

when you came out of me feet first.

I came out feet first so I could run.

Okay, so I've got my donors

separated into three categories:

brains, looks and good hair.

Wouldn't looks and good
hair be in the same category?

Oh, Bonnie.

Jill, maybe you should
think this through

a little bit more before
you start picking a donor.

Why would I want to wait when I
know this is what I want to do?

Cheese and crackers! Will you look at

what they're getting for sperm?

Tell me about it. In college,

I was up to my eyeballs in the stuff,

now I got to write a check for it.

Hey, didn't you talk about
going to Europe next year?

Gonna be mighty hard with a baby.

Oh, it's just a trip.

I figured Europe's been
there for 300 years,

it'll be there a few more.

I'd move "brains" to
the front of the list.

I was kind of leaning towards
this guy with the blue eyes.

How pretty would our daughter be?

Lovely...

in a master race kind of way.

What is this,
Build-a-Bear?

I mean, how do you even know

it's gonna be a girl?

Oh, it's easy,

they just spin the
goo up in this thingie

and you get what you want.

Have you considered the possibility

that your alcoholism could
be passed down to this child?

Oh, it won't be an issue.
My kid's not gonna drink

and even if she does,
she'll go to the best rehabs.

And we can go to meetings
together, like you two.

Oh, honey, don't aim for us.

To be honest, I really
am not sure that...

Oh, I almost forgot!

The doctor told me that
I was gonna need someone

to give me hormone shots and
go with me to my appointments.

You know, someone to be
my partner in all this.

And I can't think of anybody else

I'd rather do this with than you,

'cause, well, you're my best friend.

Really?

I'm your best friend?

Of course you are.

Wow, I don't know what to say.

Thank you.

So you'll do it?

- I'd be honored.
- Come here!

What are you doing?

No idea.

Aw, they make cashmere onesies.

"Cashmere"?

You're gonna let your
baby spit up on cashmere?

Well, I won't put her in
it when she's gonna spit up.

Oh, okay, good plan.

A crib in the shape
of Cinderella's carriage.

What do you think?

It kind of looks like a float

in a very tiny gay pride parade.

That is going on the baby registry.

Jill, it's $18,000!

No pressure, I'll have a separate shower

for my rich friends.

Sweetie, you're not even pregnant yet,

you won't need any of
this stuff for a while.

And when the baby gets here,

all it needs for the first six months

are clean diapers and a boob.

Oh, I am not breastfeeding.

I googled some after pics,

did not like what I saw.

But breastfeeding is good for the baby.

Yeah, so is having a hot mom.

Thanks again for doing this with me.

You're welcome.

Once I'm a mom, I know I'll be so happy.

Jill Kendall.

Okeydokey.

Let's go see how many
eggs are in this basket.

Jill, don't do this!

Don't do what?

Have a baby.

It's not what you think it is.

It's not playing dress-up

and picnics at the beach.

I mean, there are some picnics,

but just packing up the car to get there

can crush your soul.

And you will forget wipes.

Trust me, you will forget them.

Being a parent is hard.

It's exhausting and you
are not cut out for it.

Why are you saying this?

You're supposed to be my best friend.

That's why I'm saying it, because I am.

You're trying to fix what
happened with your mom

by having a baby and
it's not gonna work.

If having a child
solved all our problems,

your mother wouldn't have...

done what she did.

I never want to talk to you again.

Jill, I've been there.

I know what I'm talking about.

Just because you failed as
a mother doesn't mean I will!

Give her time. I'm sure Jill will see

you were coming from a good place.

I hope so.

I really don't want to
lose her as a friend.

When I got pregnant with this one,

I had a friend who didn't
think it was a good idea.

I came this close to having an abortion.

What?!

I told you this.

Uh-uh.

Would've remembered.

Calm down, I didn't do it.

Who?

Who told you to get rid of me?

Well, you don't know her,

because I never spoke to her again.

That's my point, that might
happen between you and Jill.

Wait, so in one breath,

you just told me that
you almost aborted me

and I may lose one of
my best friends forever.

What kind of pep talk is that?

Oh, my God, you get mad
at me when I pay attention,

you get mad at me when
I don't pay attention.

Well, well, well...

Another private gathering.

Don't be silly, it's not private.

Yeah, we just forgot about you.

Oh, okay then.

So what's going on?