Mom (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Curious George and the Big Red Nightmare - full transcript

And the tips I get at the casino

are fantastic, especially from old guys.

Lake Tahoe's full of old guys, so...

You should come, Mom, you would
be a total trophy wife up here.

Yeah, alcoholic waitress

with two kids, some trophy.

Are you dating anybody?

Not really,

I'm mostly concentrating
on work and saving my money.

I was actually thinking
if I put enough aside,

I could move to France for a year,



learn a new language, maybe
study to become a chef.

- Sounds like you're doing really well.
- So well.

Okay, I got to go.

My roommate and I are gonna
go for a jog around the lake

before our shifts start, so
I'll talk to you next week.

- Bye, honey.
- Bye.

- What do you think?
- Every word a lie.

I know, right? A chef?

Jog? It was hard to
keep a straight face.

So, what do you think
she's really up to?

No idea, but she didn't ask for money,

so I couldn't be prouder.

Hey, it's the whole gang.

- Hi, buddy.
- Hi.



- What's with him?
- Oh, we need to talk.

Oh, no.

Are you breaking up with me?

What's going on?

We had an incident.

Let's not overreact.

We caught Roscoe smoking marijuana.

What? Oh, no.

Again, let's not overreact.

It's just a couple of hits,

he was coughing like a rookie.

While you were in the house?

No, no, we were on our way
to my friend's baby shower

when we realized that
Baxter forgot the gift.

It was a box set of
Curious George books.

Maybe not important, go on.

So, when we walked back into the house,

I looked through the French doors

and there he was, puffing
away in the Jacuzzi.

Where the hell did he
learn to smoke and soak?

And where did he get the pot?

He said a friend at school.

He didn't get it from you?

Of course not.

What do you mean, "Of course not"?

You smoke all the time.

You're more marijuana than man.

Excuse me, but Baxter

no longer smokes marijuana.

- Really?
- Yes, really.

Candace stood next to me

while I flushed my whole
stash down the toilet,

longest 45 minutes of my life.

Are you buying any of this?

It's true.

We're trying to get pregnant.

Smoking's bad for the sperm count

and plus there's
fallopian tube issues...

Baxter!

I didn't say who had the issues.

This doesn't make any sense.

He was always such a happy kid.

Why would he need to get high?

Really?

Given how he was
raised, you have to ask?

Are you saying this is my fault?

Well... I'm certainly not a drug addict.

Baxter, you might want
to get her out of here

before I break that store-bought nose.

Come on, honey.

I had a deviated septum.

Yeah, and you're gonna have it again!

Chef Violet's looking
pretty good right now, isn't she?

I thought we were five years away

from having to deal with this.

Really? Five?

He still eats cereal
with pirates on the box.

I know, but it's happening now,

so how do you want to handle it?

I don't. I want to
pretend it's not happening.

All right, then let's sit down and eat.

You're kidding, right?

Well, you know the
kid's probably hungry.

Roscoe, get out here!

Well?

What do you have to say for yourself?

I thought they'd be gone longer.

You believe this kid?

That was pretty cute.

Sit down.

Let's get this over with.

How much trouble am I in?

Oh, I think you know.

I don't.

Well, that didn't work.

Roscoe, after everything
you've seen me and your grandma

go through, why would you do this?

I'm sorry, it was the first time.

I didn't even like it.

Aw, he thinks we're stupid.

If you're gonna lie to us,

you're gonna have to
try a little harder.

I'm not lying.

You get that addiction
runs in our family.

Along with lying.

What do you want from
me? I said I'm sorry.

Where'd you even get the pot?

- From a kid at school.
- What's his name?

- I don't want to say.
- You have to tell us.

Grandma said that I
should never be a snitch.

I said never be a snitch,

unless the DA offers you immunity.

Mom, I'm never gonna
do it again, I promise.

Okay, well, I want you

to stay away from this unnamed kid.

I will.

I don't even like him.

Yeah, 'cause everyone hates

the kid who gives away pot.

You need better lies.

But I'm telling the truth.

Enough! Go to your room.

Well, this is a nightmare.

That it is.

I don't know what to do.

Well, we know grounding him

isn't gonna work.

Remember when you grounded me

for smoking weed at his age?

Yeah. Hard to do

when you're living in a car.

You sent me to the backseat

to think about what I'd done.

Okay, but at least now

we're both in recovery

and we have tools to deal with this.

What are those tools, Mom?

I don't know, sometimes
I just say things.

Well, I am proud to announce

I now have the longest sobriety

of anyone in my family,

including my
12-year-old son.

There's something

for the Christmas letter.

Where'd Roscoe get the pot?

He says from a kid at school,

but I'm still not sure I believe him.

That's where I got my first joint.

Alex Marcucci.

He could roll them with one hand.

What's so special about that?

He only had one hand.

I just can't believe this is happening.

He's only in seventh grade.

Hmm, that's how old I was.

I stole one of my mother's Valium,

washed it down with my mother's vodka

and threw up on my mom's poodle.

Did you get in a lot of trouble?

No, she was so out of it,
she thought she did it.

I smoked my first joint when I was 14,

but... I had already done
acid and mushrooms by then,

so, you know, weed, whoop-de-do.

Christy, I understand
why you're worried,

but this doesn't mean
Roscoe's going down

the same road as the rest of us.

It doesn't mean he's not.

Well, the only thing
you can do right now

is make it safe for him to talk to you.

Hey, don't put this on me!

My son knows he can talk to me anytime!

I've worked my ass off to be supportive

and easy to open up to!

And you all thought I was the crazy one.

You went online, you
read all the reviews,

but here's something they don't tell you

about Korean cars...

no one'll ever steal it.

Hey, Baxter. Got a minute?

Not really.

Make a minute.

I'll be right back.

Sit inside and enjoy how
a nation of short people

built a car with
surprisingly ample head room.

In here.

So... what's going on?

What the hell do you think is going on?!

I'm guessing... the pot
thing with Roscoe?

You're guessing?

Okay, I'm locking it in.

That's my final answer.

Look, I didn't want to do this
in front of Candace

'cause, frankly, I
don't want to do anything

in front of Candace, but
you got to level with me.

Christy, it was not my pot.

You do know what "level with
me" means, right?

It means stop lying.

I told you, I stopped smoking

'cause of my low sperm count!

I've known you for 15 years.

The longest you've ever
gone without smoking pot

was when we went to Disney
World with your parents.

Oh, I got high at Disney World.

How do you not get high at Disney World?

And now I'm supposed to believe

there's no weed in your house?

Yes, because I told you there isn't.

Look... I know this is a hot button

for you and it would make

your life a lot easier if I was the one

that screwed up but, I didn't.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

It's just...

I'm so sad.

Me, too.

But let's remember Roscoe's a good kid

and he made one mistake.

Yeah, well, I was a good
kid who made one mistake

every day for 24 years.

But you didn't have a mom like you.

Wow.

That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

I've said nicer things,

you were just too drunk to remember.

So you and Candace are
trying to get pregnant?

Yeah, she's taking hormones,
checking her temperature.

We always have to do it
in a certain position.

My fault, I asked.

See you later.

You think that's bad,
she's having me wear boxers

to keep my balls cool.

Sorry, Janice.

- Got enough chocolate sauce?
- Yup.

- You want more sprinkles?
- Yup.

Do you know where
your dad hides his pot?

Yup. Damn it.

So it was your dad's
joint you were smoking?

I guess.

Why'd you cover for him?

I don't know. He's my dad.

That's sweet. Stupid but sweet.

Please don't tell Mom.

Hey, who taught you
never to be a snitch?

- I'm home.
- He got the pot from Baxter!

Hey!

Another lesson... Never trust anybody.

Hi. I'm Christy. I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Christy.

As you can see, I
brought my son tonight.

Don't look at him. He'll
know I'm talking about him.

Normally I'd leave him home

to watch television, but...

I just don't trust him right now.

Hang on.

Oh, look, a Pokémon!

You're good.

Anyway, he got caught smoking
a joint at my ex's house.

12 years old, and he's
smoking pot in a Jacuzzi

like some kind of itty-bitty rapper.

Don't look at him.

And the worst part is,

he stole the weed from his father,

who lied to my face about quitting

because of his pathetic sperm count.

And yes,

I know I shouldn't be gossiping
about that, but I don't care.

I hope he has to keep banging
that witch upside down forever.

Anyway,

I think what's really bothering me is

I'm just so scared that
my son's gonna wind up

in one of these rooms one day,

but, you know, without headphones.

Don't look at him.

I guess that's it.

Thanks for letting me
share the endless turd storm

that is my life.

Okay. Anyone else?

- Hi. Bonnie, alcoholic.
- Hi, Bonnie.

And I, too, know what it's like
to have a child in these rooms.

Don't look at her.

Baxter just pulled up.

Okay, what's the plan?

Simple. I'm gonna kill him,

you're gonna dispose of the body.

I never get the fun part.

I wish I thought any of this was fun.

Can be. Have you taken a moment

to consider how much
leverage you have right now?

What are you talking about?

You know that he lied to his wife.

And you know that without
her, he's jobless, homeless

and back to selling his sperm,
which we now know is worthless.

So with that in mind,

what if you were to suggest that
in exchange for your silence,

he might want to send
you and your mother

to Hawaii for a week for the low price

of $1,700 per person
courtesy of Travelocity?

- Ooh, Kauai, the garden island.
- Mm-hmm.

And look, a complimentary luau

with a pig they cook in the ground.

Mmm. I've never eaten a dirty pig.

Yes, I heard it.

So what do you think?

No, this is about my son's well-being.

Not about seven days and six nights

- at the Sheraton Poipu Beach.
- Mm.

You're a better mother when you're tan.

No.

Oh, come on!

We can swim with the dolphins!

Hey. Roscoe ready to go?

Hang out a minute. He's washing my car.

Ah, that's smart.

A little manual labor as punishment?
Builds character.

Yeah, shut up and sit down.

- What?
- You heard her.

Okay.

Everything all right?

Roscoe told us he found your stash.

That's impossible.

There is no stash. I told you I quit.

So you're calling your son a liar?

I, uh... I guess.

Oh, man up, you sperm-less weasel!

Tell me the truth.

Okay, it was me! I'm sorry!

You made me feel like it was my fault.

Of course I did! I'm
a sperm-less weasel!

All right, now here's
what's gonna happen.

You're gonna call Candace
and tell her the truth.

I can't do that. She'll throw me out.

Fine, then I'll tell her.

Go ahead.

She's not gonna believe
you. She hates you,

whereas I'm the man she's settling for.

That might be true.

Let's find out.

Let's.

Unlocking my phone.

Scrolling through contacts.

Selecting "Big Red Nightmare""

"Mobile."

- And it's ringing.
- Tell her I said hi.

Hi, Candace. It's Christy...

Stop, stop, stop! Stop,
stop, stop, stop!

Just give me a second to explain.

I know both of you think that I'm...

Oh, my God, she's calling back.

- Oh.
- Hey!

I'll buy you a new phone!

Look, I am sorry

that I threw you under the bus,

but you have to understand
what my life is now.

I pretend all day long
to like selling cars,

then go to my tastefully decorated home

and pretend to like barbecuing fish.

And if that's not bad enough,

I have to pretend to like
listening to Adele during sex!

I can't do all of that without pot!

Please don't take it away from me.

It's the only thing that's real!

Besides the love you have for your son.

Yeah, of course. That's magical.

Please don't tell her.
I'll do anything, I swear.

Aloha?

Okay, listen up.

You are gonna get your
pot out of the house...

All of it this time.

Then you're gonna put it in
a lock box with a combination,

and then you're gonna send
me a picture of that box.

You got it.

I'll do it tonight when Big
Red's watching Real Housewives.

Is that it? Are we good?

One of us is good. Mom?

- Go for it?
- Go for it.

I'll get my laptop. Get
out your credit card.

Are you in trouble with Candace?

No more than usual.

Are you in trouble with Mom?

No more than usual.

Are you mad at me?

Are you kidding? Of course not.

If anything, I should
be apologizing to you.

I'm listening.

Roscoe, you know I smoke pot.

Yeah.

And so, you might think that's cool

because, you know, I'm cool.

Sorry, go on.

But it's not cool.

It's a crutch that
people use when, you know,

they're dealing with
feelings they don't like.

I get it.

Is that why you did it?

No.

So then why?

- The truth?
- Yeah.

We were out of beer.

They really pack you
in here, don't they?

Really, chipmunk? You feel crammed in?

Oh, sorry.

Hey, I saw Alicia Keys in first class.

You want to say hello?

Not really, no.

Oh, come on. She's just sitting there.

I'm sure she'd appreciate
meeting some of her fans.

I'm sure you're wrong.

What's your problem?

We're on a free vacation.

I know. I'm just thinking about Roscoe.

Look, we got all the
drugs out of that house,

Baxter's gonna watch him like a hawk.

We've done all we can do.

You're right. I'll try to relax.

There you go. Let's raise
our cups of warm ginger ale

and toast to seven days,
six nights in paradise

with free breakfast buffet.

Don't forget the dirty pig.

There's only one thing that bugs me
about this whole Roscoe deal.

What?

He said it was the first
time he ever smoked pot.

Now, is a Jacuzzi the place you go

to get high for the first time,

or is that... optimizing an
experience you've already had?

Turn this plane around!