Mom (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Sparkling Water and Ba-Dinkers - full transcript

What the hell is your problem?!

I'll tell you what my problem is!

My problem is you're crazy!

Call me crazy one more time!

- Don't do it.
- You're crazy!

Told ya.

I can't even look
at your face right now!

Get out! Fine by me.

Oh, that is so you,

running away from a fight!

You just told me to leave, psycho!



Chicken wing?

How you managed to climb out of that
swamp of madness I will never know,

but you are a
straight-up American hero.

I know.

I, on the other hand, am a coward,

so... best of luck.

Oh, damn.

I liked that one.

Oh... you broke the remote?

You couldn't throw the ugly
candy dish Marjorie gave us?

Fine.

That wasn't it.

That's the one.

Do you think I'm sexy?



There's really no healthy
way to answer that question.

Okay, fine, I'll put it another way.

Would you need to get
high to go to bed with me?

Way to make it creepier, Mom.

It's Adam's last night here,
I wanted to do something special.

I made him dinner, I
lit candles, I wore this.

You know how he prepared?

He snuck outside and smoked a joint.

So? When you were getting high,

you'd get loaded before you had sex.

Exactly. So I could
tolerate whatever loser

was crawling around on top of me.

So you think with Adam...

I'm the loser.

Oh, Mom, that's not true.

Then give me another explanation.

Wait, let's go back to the
losers crawling on top of you.

Why would you...

It was called the '80s,
Christy. Look it up.

Morning. Hey.

Want some scrambled eggs?

Sure.

You're in a good mood.

Did you work things out with Adam?

I did not.

Nor shall I.

Cheddar?

Sure.

Ham?

Yeah. You okay?

I am. I expressed my anger last night,

and I have now moved on.

Really?

You sound surprised.

Well, traditionally when
you're upset with someone

we get a visit from the cops.

Well, maybe I've grown.

Maybe sobriety has made me

a kinder, gentler woman.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Damn it, Wendy, for the 40th time,

I don't want to join your professional
network on Linkedln!

Let me get you some O.J.

- I think we're out.
- Son of a bitch!

Hi, I'm Jill. I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Jill.

So, I've been having
a rough couple of days.

My ex-husband and his
fiancée just had their baby.

They sent out announcements.

Not to me of course.

I just happened to
stumble over it on Facebook

using my housekeeper's account.

Her name's Penelope.

The baby, not my housekeeper.

She's really cute.

Which just twists the knife.

So, I guess it's official.

He's not coming back.

He's not, right?

Yeah, I know.

Anyway, I'm grateful to be sober.

And, sorry Soledad wrote
that really mean comment

about the baby's melon head. Thank you.

Okay, who else would like to share?

Mom?

Yes, Christy?

I thought maybe you'd like to share

what's going on with you.

No, I would not.

If you don't, I'll tell Marjorie

- about the candy dish.
- What?

Bonnie, alcoholic.

Hi, Bonnie.

Let's see, where should I start?

Ah, here's a good place.

Men suck.

Not just some men, all men.

Across the board.

If there were a man here,

I'd punch him smack-dab in the penis.

Seriously, why do we need them?

To kill a spider? Get a can of Raid.

Want a baby? Turkey baster.

So, that's it. Bug
spray and turkey basters.

Probably in the same
aisle at the supermarket.

You're feelin' me, right, dawgs?

Born gay? More like born smart.

Anyway, thanks for letting me share.

Okay, who'd like to go next?

Hi, I'm Susie. I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Susie.

And for the record, I'm not gay.

Neither am I.

Have you thought about it?

I think you might be taking
this too personally, Bonnie.

When I used to get high at concerts,

it didn't mean I didn't like the band.

But the drugs did get
you through the drum solo.

Yeah, well, no one should
need artificial stimulants

to get through the Bonnie Plunkett Trio.

Don't forget your mouth. It's a quartet.

Sure. Quartet.

Of course if you really
like the guy, it's a quin...

That's enough, Wendy.

I got to tell you, Victor likes to have

a little cognac before we do it.

Well, that I understand.

What? She said it.

Mom, Adam's not an
alcoholic or a drug addict,

he's just a normal guy.

And smoking a little pot before
sex is what normal people do.

No. He gets high before
sex because I'm not enough.

Could be you're too much.

I had that problem with my ex.

That's why he left me for a homely woman

with a lopsided bosom.

You don't think you getting loaded

and trying to run his
mother over played a role?

Well, there's no way to know now.

You know, Bonnie, it's also possible

that Adam's pot smoking
has nothing to do with you.

Oh, Marjorie, only you

would think that would
make me feel better.

Oh, hey, Adam. My mom's not here.
You just missed her.

I know. I was sitting in the parking lot

waiting for her to leave.

Yeah. I do that sometimes.

Come on in.

Thanks. I just want to grab some
clothes and shoes that I left here.

Sure, yeah, okay.

Hey, I'm curious.

How do you know when it's time
to buy a new pair of shoes?

To be honest, shoes
for me are whimsical.

So, I heard what happened.

Of course you did.

I assume it was headline
news at Club Estrogen.

You have to understand, the
rest of us don't have lives,

so yeah, it was a hot topic.

Wonderful.

For the record, almost
everyone was Team Adam.

So, you agree, it's not me?

Oh, it's totally not you.

You're blameless, you've
done nothing wrong.

So, how are you gonna apologize?

For what?

I was just getting a little buzz on.

Well, yeah, but in her
tortured, forever damaged mind,

that was you saying
she's not attractive.

- But that's nuts.
- No one's arguing that.

Look, I'm not real comfortable

talking to you about this, but...

since it's on the
table, I have no problem

having sex with your
mother without getting high.

Great. Then tell her that
and this all goes away.

Yeah, but then she starts thinking

that she's calling the shots.

Don't worry about what she thinks.

That's a dark hole best not looked into.

I'm sorry, I'm out.

I'm tired of dating crazy women.

From now on, I'm sticking
with nice and normal.

All right. Just remember,

nice and normal in the head,

nice and normal in the bed.

Whereas crazy in the head...

I got it! I got it.

I'm so glad you called to apologize.

Hey. I looked at myself
in the mirror and said,

"Buddy, you screwed up. Make it right."

I missed you.

And I missed you, too.

Can I start you off with some drinks?

Bring me your finest sparkling water,

and jazz it up with a little lime.

Make that two.

- How come you're not drinking?
- Not in the mood.

Okay, I know what you're doing

and you don't have to.

I know I don't have to.

I just want show my
smoking hot girlfriend

that I don't need
mind-altering chemicals

to bang her sweet ass
into next Wednesday.

Oh, swoon.

Damn right, swoon.

I don't know what to say.

It usually works.

Well, it's certainly not working now.

All right, that tone is not helping.

Yeah, well, I tried being nice to it.

I hope you know that this
has nothing to do with you.

Really? 'Cause I'm the
only other person here.

No, it's just this whole
thing about me proving

that I could do it sober
has just got me thinking.

And thinking is clearly
the enemy of erections.

Just stop talking.

No, you're right, you're right.

Let's just go to sleep.

I've always been more
of a morning guy anyway.

It's still not you.

Damn, damn, damn.

Well, it's certainly not working now.

Morning!

How'd the apology go? Wink, wink.

Yeah, see you later.

You sure? I'm making pancakes.

You probably worked up an appetite.

Wink, wink.

I'm good. How about some coffee?

Sweet Lord, let me go.

Okay, bye.

Is he gone?

Yeah. What happened?

Nothing.

Literally nothing.

I have officially become
undesirable to men.

I wonder how this works.

Do I go to an animal shelter

or do the cats just magically appear?

That's more a Marjorie question.

So without pot he couldn't...

Couldn't in the Evenin',
couldn't in the mornin'...

♪ Couldn't at suppertime. ♪

Did you try...

I tried everything!

Baby talk, English accent,

stuff I learned in jail.

What's the English accent?

It's a Mary Poppins
thing... never mind.

Maybe Marjorie was right.

Maybe it's not you, maybe it's him.

Well, that's an interesting theory,

but there's no way to test it.

Really?

You of all people can't
think of a way to test it?

Hey. Thanks for meeting me.

No problem. What's up?

Interesting way of putting it.

I've been thinking a lot
about when we were together.

- Yeah?
- You ever think about it?

Only every time I shower.

Remember when you and
I were in this very car

outside small claims court?

Yeah. That was amazing.

For me, too.

Broad daylight, cops everywhere.

I thought for sure we
were gonna get caught.

I sat on top of you.

Yeah.

I wasn't wearing any underwear.

I unbuckled your belt,

and slowly unzipped your zipper.

Where we going with this?

I'm getting a little turned on.

Only a little?

Well, uh, to be truthful,

I'm almost done.

Then I'll leave you to it.

- What?!
- Thanks, pal, you're a good egg.

I hate her.

What's with Steve?

He's outside crying in his car.

Steve had to be sacrificed for science.

The good news is, I
still got it going on.

- Oh, Mom, you didn't.
- Relax.

I pumped up the tires,
I didn't ride the bike.

Oh, Bonnie.

Hey, if it bothers you that much,

you go out there and take care of him.

Wait, how does that help you with Adam?

Well, now that I know
that I'm not the problem,

he can smoke crack with
the Pope for all I care.

I wish I had an impotent
boyfriend to go home to.

Surprise!

What's all this?

California wine, California pot,

California, here we come.

Bonnie, you need to give it a rest.

Yeah, we'll rest when
neither of us can walk.

Sorry, not interested.

What do you mean you're not interested?

C'mon, Gov'nor,

have a little nip and climb on board.

Again, high or straight,
Mary Poppins never works.

Okay, maybe you don't
understand, we're good now.

Hey, you don't get to
decide when we're good.

Sure I do, I'm the girl.

Bonnie, I love you...

... but I'm thinking that you and me,

we need to take a break.

What?

I'm sorry, honey.

This relationship, it's
just not working for me.

I don't understand. Why?

Well... isn't it obvious?

You decide when we have a problem,

you decide when we're okay.

Uh, where do I figure in this thing?

What are you talking
about? You're the guy.

Am I?

'Cause I sure don't feel like it.

And I'm sure not
functioning like one either.

Okay.

Guess I should go.

I guess so.

I just...

I want you to know you're the best thing

that's come into my life in a long time,

and... I'm really sorry I messed it up,

but that seems to be what I do.

Bye.

Wait, hang on.

No, it's okay, I'll be okay.

No, I think I'm okay.

What?

Yeah, it's the da...
damnedest thing, but...

when you cry like
that, it kind of, uh...

flipped the old switch.

Really?

Me... falling apart turns you on?

No, I just think you being vulnerable...

Look, you want to analyze this,

or you want to put it to good use?

Let's go.

Wouldn't hurt if you kept crying.

Okay!

The first time I had sex
sober I was so nervous,

I had to call my
sponsor before and after.

I called mine during.

I remember.

For me, it was the first
time I really paid attention

to what men look like down there.

I couldn't help wondering,
"What was God thinking?"

Maybe he was high and figured
he'd fix it in the morning.

Well, he didn't.

He just slapped those hairy Ba-dinkers

under it and called it a day.

I was so self-conscious
about the sounds I was making.

Was I moaning too much, too little,

should I be calling out the guy's name?

Oh, that's the other thing.

When you're sober, you
actually know his name.

And not all names are good.

I mean, nobody wants to scream
out, "Do me harder, Gene."

Hey.

Hey.

How're you guys all doing?

Son of a bitch!

I can't get mad at you, I
would've done the same thing.

Adam, wait!

Wait!