Mom (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - High-Tops and Brown Jacket - full transcript

Can we get the check please?

Ooh, Christy, look. They have
a fudge brownie sundae special.

Remember when you were a little girl

and we'd make those on rainy days?

Mom, we've talked about this.

You can't make up happy memories
hoping I'll think they're true.

Do you remember the kitten I
got you for your fifth birthday?

Mr. Mittens? Sure.

Ah, so I can make them up.

Order a sundae, I got to pee.

- A sundae does sound good.
- I'll split one.



I could go for something sweet.

No! No sundaes.

- I got to get her home.
- Why?

Her boyfriend's back
in town and he's waiting

at our house to surprise her.

- Aw...
- Oh...

The only thing waiting to surprise me

at my place is silence.

Is that really a surprise?

So when she comes out,
no one wants dessert.

Jill pays the check,
and we're out of here.

Really? So we're not even gonna pretend

to argue over it, anymore?

You order the sundae?



- Sorry, they're out. Let's go.
- Bummer.

Hey, maybe we can stop at the
ice cream place on the way home.

Oh, we can't. I got to study.
Well, then take the car.

I'll get a ride from one of these guys.

- Who wants ice cream?
- None of them.

Wendy's lactose intolerant;
it's past Marjorie's bedtime,

and Jill only eats ice
cream alone in the bathroom.

Come on, let's hit it.

Well, at least let's
stop at the supermarket

and pick up some Butter Pecan.

Damn it woman, Adam's home
and he's waiting for you

at the house to surprise you.

Oh, my God!

What are we doing here?! Let's go.

Nice work ruining the surprise.

Nice work ruining Mr. Mittens!

Okay, double check me.

Boobs, breath, pits?

Fine, fine.

Not doing that.

Can you believe the waiter
thought I was your sister?

(laughs)

Surprise!

What?! Adam?

Did you know...?

You!

And you!

You...

(laughing)

Oh, you told her, didn't you?

Oh, who cares? It's still
the best surprise ever.

Child in the room.

Oh... I thought you
weren't done on the movie

until the end of the month.

Well, turns out your boyfriend's
a rockin' stunt coordinator.

Vin Diesel only had to
jump out of a helicopter,

onto a moving train... once.

Bam, saved them two hundred grand.

Bam, got home to my woman.

And Bam, my new thing is saying "Bam."

I missed you so much.

Bam.

So what's Vin Diesel like?

Do people call him Vin or V or VD?

Probably not that.

She never could take a hint.

Why don't we head back to your place?

- Actually I'm staying in a hotel.
- Why?

The guy I sublet to, he still
has it for two more weeks.

But a hotel is crazy, you're
just throwing money away.

Why don't you stay here?

Pay me half... everybody wins.

No, no, no, no. I don't
want to get in your way.

No. You won't. Tell him, Christy.

It's fine. Between work
and school I'm never here.

Plus Roscoe's at his dad's all week,

so the Batcave is available.

If it's okay with you guys,
I mean, that sounds great.

And the best part, no walk of shame.

Oh, please, when did
you ever have shame?

Don't you have homework to do?

Oh, sure.

I actually do have to write
a paper about trade embargoes

and how they affect
international relations.

- It's really pretty interesting...
- Take the hint!

Ugh, my laptop.

I forgot my...

Holy God!

So no Bonnie again tonight?

- Nope.
- Oh.

I'm happy her fella's back,

but she still needs to
get her butt to meetings.

Yeah, well, right now her
butt's kind of occupied.

Wait, that sounded weird.

I'm a little worried about her.

Every time I ever put a
man ahead of my sobriety,

I got myself in trouble.

(laughs) You make it sound
like you had a lot of men.

For your information,
I was banging dudes

while you were selling
Girl Scout cookies.

Respect.

I think my mom is fine.

The two of them are so into each other,

it's like living in a
Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan movie.

You know, if Tom Hanks couldn't walk,

and Meg Ryan was a bipolar sociopath.

I guess there's a lid for every pot.

I hope so.

'Cause my pot hasn't had
a lid for over a year.

It's just an empty, dusty pot.

Respect.

You need to get yourself
out there and meet someone.

- Like it's that easy.
- It is.

Maybe ditch the Converse
and hoodie once in a while,

and let people see you're a girl.

Hey, this is what all the kids wear.

Who wants to tell her?

(nail clippers click)

(dramatic music playing on TV)

(nail clippers clicks)

MAN 1 (on TV): Yes.

MAN 2: What is your
relationship to the victim?

(nail clippers clicks)

Is that something that
has to happen right now?

Oh, sorry.

Didn't know it bothered you.

I-It doesn't. It's just...

You know, I'm watching a movie,

ducking nail shrapnel.

Got it.

I'll stop.

Thanks.

I mean, you know, if I was
sitting here shaving my legs

while we were watching the movie,

you might find that annoying.

Actually, I'd find it kind of sexy.

I'm trying to make a point.

Well, you missed.

I just got this pinky to
clip. Do you mind if I...?

Do it, just do it!

Oh, you look nice. What's going on?

Jill's taking me out to meet guys.

Oh, well, you're not
wearing your high-tops.

Maybe you have a shot.

(doorbell rings)

- ADAM: I'll get it.
- Thanks, babe.

What are you guys up to?

Gonna get some take-out Chinese

and hump myself into
a bladder infection.

Always the lady.

(laughs)

When was the last time
you went to a meeting?

I don't know. When's the
last time you got laid?

Yeah, so I'm just gonna
be Christy's wing man,

you know, help her meet somebody.

That is so nice of you.

One of the things we learn in
sobriety is to be of service.

Very admirable.

Hey.

Hey, stranger, haven't
seen much of you lately.

Yeah, well, I'm seeing a lot of you.

Thanks. You ready to go?

- Yeah, let's hit it.
- Good luck.

(laughing): Bonnie, I don't need any...

You were talking to Christy. Got it.

- Bye.
- Bye.

I thought you were gonna
be my wing man tonight.

I am.

What about all this says "man"?

(grunts)

What do you feel like watching?

Wow, so we're just gonna
pretend that didn't happen?

What didn't happen?

Oh, please.

You couldn't stop
staring at Jill's boobs.

Well, what choice did I have?

The damn things threw a shadow.

Don't, just don't.

I mean it, it...

It was noticeably cooler under them.

Oh, so this is funny to you?

Yes, it's...

No. Not really...

Forget it, let's just watch TV.

You sure?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, you don't love me!

I can't believe you brought me
to an AA meeting to meet men.

Oh, sweetie, this isn't
just any AA meeting.

(indistinct chatter)

Oh, my God, they're all so pretty.

Don't be intimidated.

They're just like you, but better.

CHRISTY: No kidding.

Look at all these hot guys.

Yeah. Some of them are gay,

but they're all fun to look at.

Hey, Jill. Good to see you.

Hey, Cheryl.

She's got a husband and
two lovers in this room.

I'll let you figure out who they are.

Oh, this is much more fun
than "What did Marjorie knit?"

CHERYL: Okay, meeting time.

Okay, little advice? You
know how when we share

at our meetings, it's all
about honesty and vulnerability?

- Yeah?
- Not here.

Here, you're selling yourself.

So leave out the pole
dancing and the poverty.

Got it. And maybe don't
mention you live with your mom.

Okay. And no reason
to bring up those kids.

Well, there goes my whole act.

Maybe together we're discovering
why your pot's all dusty.

(sighs)

I hate it when we bicker.

Me, too, but we are
very good at making up.

(laughs)

We never used to fight.

Maybe me staying here is too much.

You know, I can just
go back to the hotel.

No, don't be silly. I love this.

I love being together all the time.

- Good answer.
- (sighs): Oh.

You know what I like best about you?

What?

Did you just check your watch?!

No. I mean, yes, but
I was still listening.

You have some place to go?

No. I'm here and waiting to find
out what you like best about me.

That ship has sailed.

- Bonnie, come on...
- (door slams shut)

Guess I can check my e-mails now.

Hi. I'm Christy.

I'm an alcoholic...

and a Capricorn.

ALL: Hi, Christy.

Hi. Hi.

I've been sober a little
more than three years.

Now I'm not addicted
to anything except yoga.

But that's okay 'cause what
kind of trouble could I get into

lying on the floor, all sweaty,

pushing my body to its limits?

(Christy giggles)

I'm also stretching my mind.

I've gone back to school.

I'm pursuing a law degree,
which was scary at first

'cause I'm usually the
oldest one in my class.

But that doesn't stop all
those hot young college guys

from, you know...

copying off my homework.

I love fighting with you.

(laughs)

- I love making up.
- Oh.

Are we gonna fight about this?

'Cause I'm gonna need an hour
and some Gatorade.

(laughs) Oh!

I can't remember the last time

- I felt this safe in a relationship.
- Mmm.

I mean, growing up in foster care,

it's really hard to trust people,

but... I trust you so much.

(laughs)

I'm gonna tell you a secret.

Before I had Christy...

Oh.

I had this crazy idea that
I could become a singer.

I mean, I'm not talking rock star, but

I pictured myself in
a club with a piano.

♪ Some say love ♪

♪ It is a river ♪

♪ That drowns... ♪

I am singing, you son of a bitch!

Ow.

So, what did you think of the meeting?

I didn't hear a word anybody said.

I was too busy being on my honeymoon

with the guy in the brown jacket. Oh.

- Where'd you go?
- Maui.

The hotel gave us robes
with our names on 'em.

Excuse me. Christy, right?

- Oh, yeah. Hi.
- Hi.

I'm Derek. I just wanted to tell you,

- I really enjoyed your share.
- Thanks.

You know, I've been
thinking about going back

to school myself, so I
found that really inspiring.

- I'm glad.
- I'm Jill.

Hi.

Uh, so tell me why'd
you decide to study law?

Well, before I got sober, I
frequently needed a lawyer,

so I figured, why not cut
out the middleman.

Also, I wanted to do something
worthwhile, try to help people.

Me, too. That's why

I give my housekeeper
Botox every Christmas.

Nobody likes a wrinkly maid.

I see. It's terrific.

Uh, I've never seen you at
this meeting before, right?

I usually go to meetings closer to home.

She lives in a nasty
part of town with her mom.

Well, listen, uh,

if you haven't already had too much
coffee, why don't we go...?

Do you know the guy in the brown jacket?

- Christy wants to marry him.
- Jill!

- Sorry, I don't.
- Hang on.

- What the hell is wrong with you?!
- What?!

You're embarrassing me in front of Eric.

It's Derek.

I said hang on! I thought
you were gonna help me.

Well, I'm trying, but
now you're making a scene.

You know what? Uh, I
actually have to go...

call my sponsor.

Thank you so very much.

What is your problem?

I was trying to get you and
Brown Jacket off to Maui.

Forget Brown Jacket!
I had a shot at Eric.

- It's Derek.
- I don't care!

You totally torpedoed me!

Why didn't you just tell him my
kids have two different dads?!

Or that I was a stripper?!

Oh, you are gonna kick
yourself in a minute.

(TV plays quietly)

Hey.

Hey. How'd it go? (door closes)

Jill vag-blocked me.

Where's Adam?

Adam's having a time out.

ADAM: Christy, she won't
give me back my chair!

We may have hit a rough patch.

So you took away his wheelchair?

What are you doing?

I'm helping the man who can't walk.

Oh, sure. Take his side.

What if he has to pee?

ADAM: I do!

Marjorie's right. You
need to go to a meeting.

Oh, my God, enough with the meetings!

It's not always about a meeting!

Sometimes it's about two people

who clearly aren't meant to be together!

That man is impossible to live with!

He trims his nails, watches TV,

he looks at his watch, sleeps!

How am I supposed to
love someone like that?!

- Mom.
- I know! I need a meeting!

There's a late one at
St. Pat's. I'll drive.

That's it. I've had it.

You're out of your freakin' mind, okay?

You're right. I know. I am. I'm sorry.

I love you. I'll see you in an hour.

Wait. What...? What did she just...?

What just happened?

Don't worry. When she gets back,
she'll be a different person.

She's been three different
people in the last hour!

- It's good to have you back, Bonnie.
- It's good to be back.

You know I find with my Victor,

the more meetings I go to,
the better our marriage.

And I'm sure he
appreciates your absence.

Good to have you back, Bonnie.

You seem kind of quiet.
Everything okay?

I'm fine.

- I'm fine, too.
- No one asked you.

Hey, I went out of my
way to help you meet guys,

and you were nothing but ungrateful.

You didn't help me do anything.

You were jealous that Eric-Derek
liked me instead of you.

Oh, get over yourself.

Eric-Derek went after the little mouse

'cause he knew the big
mouse was out of his league.

Don't tell me what
Eric-Derek was thinking.

You don't know what
Eric-Derek was thinking.

- Now, come on, ladies.
- No, let 'em punch themselves out.

What kind of name is Eric-Derek?

Just face it... you
suck as a friend

'cause you're threatened by other women.

I am not!

Come on, ladies.

Get my back here, right?

See? They're with me.

And you know what? If I do have issues

with women, it's not my fault.

All my life, they've let me down.

- Here we go.
- It's true.

My mother killed herself
just when I needed her most.

My therapist married my dad.

And my housekeeper does a really
unflattering impression of me.

What does that sound like?

Me, but Southern and stupid.

Excuse me, but I never let you down.

You're right.

You're right. I'm sorry I
let my ego get the best of me.

But the thing is...

Stop!

Leave out the excuses
and just say you're sorry.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

I forgive you.

Thanks.

Whenever you're ready.

Oh, don't leave her the
check, honey. She's poor.

Ugh. I just did it again, didn't I?