Mom (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 17 - A Commemorative Coin and a Misshapen Head - full transcript

Mom, you're going to college now, right?

Yes, I am, sweetie.

Can you take cooking classes there?

I thought you liked my tuna casserole.

It was better when you made it drunk.

Roscoe, I made it when she was drunk.

Oh.

Mystery solved.

Sorry...

You would not believe

what I snaked out of old
lady Gorman's shower drain.



Mom, please. We're eating dinner.

And it's hard enough.

Fine.

A hairball with a human tooth in it.

I'm gonna go do my homework.

Congratulations.

You managed to gross out a boy
who keeps his boogers in a jar.

I need to get going, too.

Where you headed?

I'm going to a birthday party with Gregory.

Oh, Gregory... again.

Wow, that's been going on
a little while now, huh?

I guess.

When do we get to meet him?



Yeah, I'd like to meet young Gregory.

Yeah, I just don't see any reason for that.

Oh, come on!

There's nothing to hide.

Your last boyfriend was
a burger-flipping stoner

who got you pregnant...
The bar is very low.

Why are you so interested in my life?

Are your own lives that boring?

Yes. The most exciting thing
that happened to me today

was a hairball with an overbite.

Come on!

Tell me about him.

I'm a cool mom.

I'm hip, I'm happening.

I got it going on.

How were you ever a stripper?

Some men enjoyed my awkwardness.

Come on, what's the deal with this guy?

Does he have, like, a misshapen head?

Little tiny legs? Lazy eye? Canadian...?

"Canadian"?

That's the border we should be watching.

He's just a guy.

Where'd you meet him? At school.

So, he's a student.

God! What is with you guys?

Just... leave it alone.

He's not a student.

Violet, you know the kind of men

your grandmother and I have dated.

We are the last people
in the world to judge.

Am I right?
- Mm, absolutely.

You cannot shock us.

All right.

He's a professor at my school.

And he's 42 years old.

I'm calling the police.

Mom, I'm 19.

No one's doing anything wrong.

Hang up the phone.

Then why were you hiding this from us?

Because I was afraid you
might not handle it well.

Why would you think that?
My little girl is dating

a man who's old enough to be her father.

Why would that upset me?
It's just Jim friggin' Dandy!

Pssst!

You're not handling it well.

I'm out of here.

I don't believe it.

42 years old?

It'd be less weird if
you were dating him.

Look, I haven't seen
him, but if you want me

to take a run at him, I will.

Really not in the mood, Mom.

It could be a lot worse.
Could be one of the losers

you dragged home when you were a teenager.

He's old enough to be one
of the losers I dragged home.

Yeah.

Look, the more a mother fights
a daughter on who she chooses

for a boyfriend, the
more she'll run to him.

How do you know that?

I point to your two children.

And in the spirit of
fairness, I point to you, too.

Oh, God.

Relax. I just wanted to apologize.

Really?

Come here, sit down.

Can we just do this in the morning?

Damn it, Violet, sit down!

Please...?

Listen,

it's natural that I worry

some guy might be taking advantage of you.

Where's the apology?

It's coming.

Better come soon.

One sec.

Anyway...

you and I both know

that I wasn't always there for you,

so you got to forgive me

for being a little overprotective now.

I get it.
- You do?

Gregory explained all this to me.

He's a psychology professor.

He actually did his doctoral
thesis on the damaging effects

of alcoholism on families,

so he gets that part, too.

Well, isn't that just super.

Oh, hey, what are you guys doing up?

Oh, give me a break. I
heard you breathing up there.

Great, then I can jump right in.

Why don't we invite
Gregory over for dinner?

Oh, no. He knows I grew up in the circus,

he doesn't need to meet the clowns.

Honey, I promise,

your mom and I will be
on our best behavior.

We'll make him feel really welcome.

Well, he did say he'd like to meet you.

That's a good sign.

You'll see. He's a terrific guy

and I think he really cares for me.

I'm sure he does.

Which brings up the question:

Where are you in the relationship?

What's that supposed to
mean? Are you plankin' him?

I'm not talking about this with you.

They're plankin'.

I'm going to bed now.

Okay, but we're gonna do the dinner, right?

Depends. Who's cooking?

She'll cook.
- I'll cook.

All right, I'll set it up. Night.

Night.
- Night.

I still never got my apology.

Sorry.
- Too late.

Shall we?
- Ugh.

I can't go to bed after that.

The second I close my eyes

I'll be picturing Richard Dreyfuss

showering with my daughter.

Thanks.

Now I'm not sleeping either.

Ugh.
- Ooh.

Wow, so he's older than me?
- Yup.

Man, I don't know whether
to be disgusted or impressed.

You're disgusted.

I can be both.

Do we have four matching dinner plates?

That's what you're worried about?

Your kids don't have matching fathers.

Mind if I stick around and meet him?

Yeah, actually, I do.

Take the kid that is yours and go.

Whatever.

All right, let's hit it.

Oh...

Hey!

Hey, Baxter. This is Gregory.

Gregory, this is my little
brother Roscoe and Roscoe's dad.

Hi. Hi, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Okay.

We'll be on our way.

Oh,

just a heads up... As
Violet's former stepfather,

I'm keeping my eye on you.

But as a bystanding dude,

I tip my cap.

Let's go. You're not wearing a cap.

Not her usual type.

Looks like her usual type's parole officer.

It's still not too late to run.

I'm fine.

Where can I hang this?

The closet's back there,

but that's where my little brother sleeps.

What?

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Welcome.
- Welcome.

Yeah, okay.

Mom, Grandma, this is Gregory.

Oh, it is so nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Please, sit down.

Thanks. Would you like a glass of wine?

Really? You keep wine in the house?

We don't drink, but we got
a nice Chardonnay for you.

Thanks, I'll have a glass.

Me, too.

Oh, honey, you're not old enough to drink.

She's not old enough to drink.

Why don't I get the booze?

So, uh,

Violet tells us you teach
at the junior college.

Yes, I do. Psychology.

Well, then we have something in common.

I'm a certified life coach.

C... Certified? Oh, that's fabulous,

because, you know, there are so many

fly-by-night life coaches.

Hey, Gregory? You didn't happen

to bring your own corkscrew, did you?

So after my mom had the stroke,

I took a year off of grad
school to take care of her,

which I thought was gonna be hard,

uh, but it turned into this

wonderful experience, because

we got to know each other as adults.

And that was

a priceless gift.

That's beautiful.

She would never do that for me.

She's right.

Well, this was fun.

I'm gonna grab our coats.

Oh, so soon?

You wanted to meet him, you
met him, now say good-bye.

Uh, be right there.

Listen, I just want to say...

I get that you have
your misgivings about me.

If I was in your position, I would feel

the exact same way.

But you have to know I
wasn't looking for this.

I'm not the guy

who dates younger women.

But we just...

made a connection.

And I want to reassure you

that I care deeply about Violet.

Okay, well, thank you.
- Yeah, okay.

You ready?

Yeah.
- Oh, uh,

why don't you take the wine,

since we can't drink it.

Or open it.

Thanks again, this was really great.

Good night.

Bye.

I have a terrible confession to make.

What?

I like him better than I like her.

I like him better than I like you.

Seriously?

You left me a to-do list?

I've got an hour to do my homework

before I run to the restaurant.

Who else is gonna vacuum, clean
the bathroom, sort the laundry?

Hey, I'm not your wife.

You sure about that?

I go out there and earn a living,

we sleep in the same
bed and don't have sex.

Maybe I am your wife.

I'm not staying.

What do you mean you're not staying?

I haven't seen you for a week.

Yeah, well, after I
grab a few of my things,

you won't see me for another week.

You're just gonna stand there?

You're not gonna say anything?

Hey, you're the man of the house.

So, what's the deal?

You living with Professor Higgins now?

His last name is Munchnik.

By George,

she doesn't get the reference.

Violet, I just want to
know what's going on.

You've been spending a
lot of time over there.

Why wouldn't I? His condo's great.

Plus, he's got a gym in the building

and underground parking.

Oh, and he has a housekeeper.

We have a housekeeper.

Careful or you're sleeping
on the couch tonight.

And you also really like him, right?

Um,

yeah, he's cool.

Honey, you don't live with
a guy because he's cool.

You live with him because
you have feelings for him.

Is that what you guys
did when you were my age?

She always goes to that.

It is the smart play.

Sweetheart, I'm...

I'm just a little worried that...

Mom, relax.

We're just having fun, and
Gregory is crazy about me.

I know he is,

but I want to hear that
you're crazy about him, too,

that you're not settling.

Fine. I'm crazy about him.
He's the man of my dreams.

See you later.

Wow. You and I are more
in love than they are.

I gotta tell ya... I
miss Violet being here,

but I swear I've gotten
taller since she moved out.

That's because you're not hunched over.

You're not walking scared.

You know what I noticed?

Ever since she left,

my bowels have gone from
irritable to delightful.

Just so nice to have a
break from her sneering mug

looking at me across the dinner table.

All because you committed the terrible sin

of asking how her day was.

It's kind of like this, right?

That's good.

She always looks like
she smells something bad.

Don't get me wrong. I love her.

Oh, I love her, too.

But it feels like some
sort of demonic spirit

has been exorcised from the apartment.

And we didn't even need a Catholic priest.

Turns out we needed a
Jewish psychology professor.

L'chaim.

You know, it just occurred to
me that her bedroom's empty.

That's true.

So, what are we doing here?

You're right. Get down there.

You get down there.

I like having my own bathroom.

I'll flip you for it.

I don't trust that commemorative coin.

Oh, damn it.

Move over.
- What happened?

Roscoe's smarter than both of us.

He didn't give any hints over the phone?

No, just said it was important,

and he wanted to talk to us in person.

You don't think he wants
to return Violet, do you?

Doesn't matter. He's had her for 30 days.

We don't have to take her back.

All right, well, let's go
hear what he has to say.

Stand up straight.

Here we go.

This really wasn't necessary.

Don't be silly. You're Violet's boyfriend.

Right?

Right.

So, what did you want to talk about?

Well, you both know how amazing Violet is.

Sure.
- Okay.

So it'll come as no surprise to you

when I tell you how much I love her.

We love her, too. Yeah, we love her.

And the reason I wanted
to speak with you guys was

to get your blessing.

I'd like to marry your daughter.

Is she pregnant?

No!

Then why do you want to marry her?

Mom!

Sorry. You kind of caught us off guard.

It's okay. I know it's sudden.

Um, before we give our blessing,

I just have one question.

Really? I have eight.

Do you understand what it
means to be a 19-year-old girl?

How... unformed her thinking is?

That's one of the things I love about her.

She's not jaded, she sees
the world with fresh eyes.

Wait'll you see those eyes when
you drink the last Diet Snapple.

Don't worry.

I'll never do anything to upset her.

Oh, if only that were possible.

So, do I take that as a
"yes," I have your permission?

Gregory, I appreciate you coming to us,

but it's really not our call.

Yeah, Violet might not be as
ready to settle down as you are.

I hear you.

I just can't help the way I feel.

I'm desperately in love.

Oh, you poor bastard.

Bring it in.

No, I got here first. It's my room.

Okay, here's a fun idea.

What if we put a tent in the living room,

and you could pretend
you're camping every night?

What am I, seven?

That was pathetic.

What's pathetic is I have to return a tent.

Hey.

Hey.

What brings you by?

I needed to talk to you guys.

About?

Last night at dinner,
Gregory proposed to me.

Yeah, he mentioned he might do that.

What did you say?

Did you let him down easy?

Well, I was going to...

but then he showed me this
awesome ring, and I said "yes!"

I am going be Mrs. Gregory Munchnik.

Hello?

Your daughter just got engaged.

This is good news.

Yeah, sure, it's good...

if this is what you want.

Why wouldn't it be?

God, my housekeeper was
happier for me than you two are.

Honey, this is a big step.

We just want to know that
you've thought this through.

Yeah, is this the guy
you're gonna be with forever?

Well, I doubt it'll be forever,

but for a first marriage,
he's pretty perfect.

Come here.

I'm just worried

you're marrying a man you're
not really in love with.

Were you in love with Baxter or my dad?

Yes.

And how did that work out for you?

Sometimes I just hate this kid.

Violet, marriage is hard enough

when you're desperately
in love with each other

and you think it's never gonna end,

but going into it knowing
it's doomed is just so...

Realistic?

I was gonna say "sad."

What is so bad about this?

I have someone who loves me
and wants to take care of me,

and it's good for you guys

because I'm no longer a
problem for you anymore.

Violet, you were never a problem.

Yeah, we say all the
time how much we love you.

There's the face. There's the face.

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Oh, God.

You have to let her live her life.

She's a grown woman.

Mom!

Roscoe threw out all my teddy bears!

Now we know what to get
her as a wedding gift.

Whatcha doin'?

Working on my dating profile.

EHarmony? Match?

Senior-Mingle.

You're kidding.

Maybe Violet's on to something.

Oh, God, you can't be that desperate.

Check out some of these old dudes.

This one's 82 years old.

He's got a beach house in Hawaii,

a brownstone in San
Francisco, and look here...

Under special skills:

"Can drive at night."

Slide over.

I'm gonna give him a poke.

Careful you don't break his hip.

Ooh! Take a look at this silver fox.

Mm.

22,000 square foot home in Carmel.

"Enjoys short walks on the beach."

Ah, just so we're clear,
you're giving up on love?

I've had love. I want a housekeeper.