Mom (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 15 - Turkey Meatballs and a Getaway Car - full transcript

Do you really have to run off?

Snuggling afterwards is the best part.

Gabriel, you can't own a penis
and say that.

So when can I see you again?

I don't know, I'm just
crazy busy these days.

Fine.

I'll just wait for you to call
and then make myself pretty.

I know you're kidding,

but it wouldn't hurt
to do a little manscaping.

(knocking)

That's housekeeping.



Come back later!

CLAUDIA: I need to see you now, Gabriel!

It's my wife.

My boss.

Hide.

Get in the bathroom.

What if she has to pee?

You're right,

she does like to mark her territory.

CLAUDIA: What are you doing in there?

Um, I'm hiding the hookers and the drugs.

What do you think I'm doing? Quick, get in.

Are you kidding me?

You got a better idea?



Oh, is this underwear clean?

Get in!

And no.

Uh... uh, one minute!

(knocking)

Hey, what brings you by?

I know this might be difficult for you,

but I need you to sign
this separation agreement.

No problem. Okie dokie.

Wow, I expected you to make a scene.

No scene. Here you go. Bye!

Bye.

Wait a minute.

What are you doing

with my Louis Vuitton?

Um, the maid packed my clothes in it.

I thought it was a parting gift.

Well, it's not. I want it back.

GABRIEL: Well, uh,

that's too bad.

Possession is nine-tenths of the...

whatchamacallit, the law.

The hell it is.

What do you have in here?

All my self-help books.

Now give it back!

CLAUDIA: Damn it, Gabriel,

this is my suitcase.

I'll return it to you when
I'm no longer living out of it!

Fine!

Keep it!

Oh...

Oh... I am so sorry.

It's okay.

That was really close.

What was that?

I don't know.

I am just really turned on right now.

Getting locked in a suitcase
does it for you?

Oh, just shut up and be grateful.

Mom - 02x15
Turkey Meatballs and a Getaway Car

Seriously?

In a suitcase?

Louis Vuitton.

Classy.

I don't understand it,

but it was the hottest sex we've ever had.

Really?

Gabriel?

The guy who can only do it
with his T-shirt on?

He has a third nipple; he's self-conscious.

I get why it was hot.

It's the danger.

One time,

I was running with the Black Panthers.

We knocked off a bank in Oakland.

Me and this guy Jamal
did it in the getaway car.

The indelible ink exploded all over us.

My ass was blue for a month.

I'm watching a sweet old lady
put rolls in her purse,

and I just can't get my head
around that story.

That's nothing; Jamal's a senator now.

You know, Christy,

that kind of sex is fine once in a while,

but, uh, with you it's a little worrisome.

- Why?
- Well, honey,

since I've known you,
you've only enjoyed sex with men

when there was an element of danger.

That's not true.

I hate to say it, but I think
old blue ass has a point.

When we met, you were sleeping
with your married boss.

And then the drunk, pothead fireman.

Yeah. He was fun.

And then your ex-husband,
on your front lawn.

It was not on the front lawn,

it was in his van.

Which was technically his house.

Well, now that you're sober,

you might want to start thinking
about finding someone

you can have an honest,
intimate relationship with.

Hey, I am plenty intimate.

MARJORIE: Really?

You talk and you share?

You let your true self be seen?

I have a true self?

Intimacy, Christy.

Break it down.

"Into-me-see."

You say that kind of crap to Jamal?

I was a heroin addict back then.

I didn't do that much talking.

Okay, I have to go to work.

Thanks for the...

I don't know what that was.

- Bye, honey.
- Bye-bye.

Bye.

Are you gonna take your butter patties?

Help yourself.

We should get the check.

I almost drank last night.

Go away.

What?

I was grocery shopping,

they were handing out samples
of turkey meatballs.

Next thing I know,
I'm standing in the liquor aisle

trying to decide whether to
get drunk on vodka or bourbon.

Well, that bourbon pairs better
with turkey.

That's it? No speech?

Well, come on, Bonnie,
you know why this happened.

It's about losing Alvin.

I have never been in this much pain.

I go to bed thinking about him,
I wake up thinking about him...

nonstop.

I understand.

So what do I do?

You could try getting out of your head

by helping other people.

Great.

I'm having a breakdown;
you're making jokes.

Okay, that's all the time
we have for sharing.

Before we close,

we need to nominate a new secretary

to run the meeting for the next year.

I nominate Bonnie.

What the hell are you doing?

This'll be good for you.

No, I don't think so.

I second it.

What's happening?

Any other nominations?

Yeah, I, uh,

nominate Weeping Wendy here.

That's what you call me?

Why?

Any seconds for Wendy?

(sobs)

All in favor of Bonnie?

Congratulations, Bonnie.

You are so lucky you have cancer.

Really?

You want to know what I'm feeling?

Yeah.

I don't want you and me
to be just about sex.

I want to know what's going on here.

We've been over this; it's a third nipple.

You know what I'm talking about.

Show me your true self.

Oh.

Wow, okay.

Uh...

Ever since the marriage ended,

I've been reevaluating
who I am and-and what I want.

Mm-hmm.

When you think about it,

I went from my parent's house
to my college dorm

to married and living with Claudia.

I've really never been on my own.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, suddenly

I'm experiencing a level of freedom

I've never known, but at the same time,

I've never been more frightened.

Christy?

Mm-hmm.

GABRIEL: This is crazy.

CHRISTY (breathy): I know.

Right in front of my ex-wife's house?
I know.

You realize if she catches us,
you'll get fired.

Oh, keep saying that.

Oh, uh... fired.

You're... you're gonna get fired.

Oh, yeah. Keep talking.

Um...

You'll lose your 401(k).

Oh, yeah.

You'll wind up working
as a-a cafeteria lady

at an inner-city school
where the kids are troubled

and they don't appreciate your hard work.

(growls)

(barks)

Oh, my God!

- Hey! It's Bear!
- What?

It's my ex-dog.

Oh, I miss you, too, buddy!

Who's a good boy?

CLAUDIA: Bear?

Where are you, Bear?

Oh, that's Claudia. Get-get down!

CLAUDIA: Get away from that car! Bad dog!

Okay, she's gone.

Let's get out of here.

What are you talking about?

This is hotter than the suitcase.

Anyway, it has been brought to my attention

by my sponsor, my mother
and the guy I'm sleeping with

that I may have a slight problem
with intimate relationships.

And after doing a lot of soul-searching,

I realized that they're right.

I do have a problem.

But then I did some more soul-searching

and decided...

I don't care.

I'm having fun.

I'm not drinking, not hurting anybody.

And if I'm craving intimacy,
I can come here

and open up my heart

in a warm, nurturing environment...

(buzzer blares)

Time's up.

Can I at least finish my thought?

- We got the gist.
- Mom!

I'm sorry, but as the new secretary,

I have decided shares will now
be limited to three minutes,

no exceptions, no slack.

You don't get to decide that by yourself.

Do I have to remind you that I
won the election in a landslide?

Christy's right.

Any changes to the meeting format

have to be decided on by everyone.

Yeah, I changed that rule, too.

Okay, anyone else want to share?

- Go ahead, Wendy.
- Thank you.

Oh, just a heads up:
crying counts against your time.

Mmm, what smells so good?

I'm baking brownies for my meeting.

Oh, that's thoughtful.

Yeah.

I figure if we upgrade the snacks,

we'll get a better class
of drunks and drug addicts.

Maybe even some celebrities.

And then, word'll get out,

and before you know it, we'll be
turning people away at the door.

That's not really the idea, Mom.

Right there, that kind of thinking

is why you'll never be secretary.

(doorbell rings)

Why don't I get that?

Would be cool to meet some famous drunks.

Hey.

Hey, there's my guy.

Hi, Mom.

- How was your weekend?
- Good.

Grandma made brownies in the kitchen.

Bye.

All right, see you next week.

Hey, uh,

before you go, can I ask you something?

- Sure.
- BONNIE: Hey!

When you're trying to recover
from a soul-shattering disease

that destroys you and everything you love,

then you can have a brownie!

So what's up?

I was just...

Okay, this is a little weird, but, um...

when we were married,

how would you describe our...

sexual relationship?

(chuckles)

How would I describe it to you

or how would I describe it to my friends?

Seriously, I-I need a little perspective.

Is this something to do with being sober?

Yeah, sort of.

I mean, the longer you don't drink,

the more you see who you really are

and why you do stuff.

Wow, that must suck.

It's a bitch.

Okay, well, the way I remember it,

we had three types of sex.

Drunk, angry and...

no, just two kinds of sex.

Oh, come on.

There must have been some times

where we had an emotional connection

and, you know... made love.

(laughs) Yeah, right.

Why is that funny?

I don't know, you were just
never really a girlie-girl.

We always went at it like two dudes.

So what you're saying is...

I'm incapable of intimacy?

Yeah.

But it's a compliment.

No, it's not!

I've got a problem.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

my new girlfriend is all about talking

and sharing our feelings.

I mean, by the time we get down to it,

I feel guilty doing dirty things
to such a nice lady.

So you don't do it?

Oh, I do it, I just feel bad.

Thanks, but that doesn't really
help my situation.

All right.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

When I'm with Candace

and she's not gabbing,

I pretend she's you

to get me across the finish line.

Okay.

Thanks for the help.

Gonna close the door now.

Stay freaky!

I hope you're happy.

You turned me into a dude.

Oh, my God!

How long are you gonna pound that chicken?!

Until I go blind.

What's your problem?

I don't have a problem.

No, I keep track.

That's not till next week.

Menu meeting, your office, 4:00.

4:00. You got it.

Yeah, Gabriel, it's me.

Listen, I'm gonna need you
under my desk at 3:45.

Yeah, that's right, I said "under my desk."

So I guess what I'm trying to say is,

I'm feeling real grateful to be sober.

My life's never been better

and I finally have hope for the future.

(sobbing)

I just wish I wouldn't have
waited so long and...

(buzzer blares)

Okay, that's all the time
we have for sharing.

But before we close,

I have a few secretary's announcements.

First off...

and I can't believe I have
to bring this up again...

do not park where the orange cone is.

That is reserved for the secretary.

Secondly,

I want to introduce
a dress code for this meeting.

I think we could attract
a better caliber of men in here

if we bait the trap a little.

Bonnie, this is a women's meeting.

Yeah, that's the next thing
I want to talk about.

(knocking)

You ready for us?

Hell yeah! Let's do this thing.

Okay, Rudy, what do you got?

Well, I am planning an adventure
for your tongue.

Ooh.

Like the sound of that.

Now, starting with the appetizer,

I have created a ramp and mushroom tart

with celery pesto.

Hmm. I don't know.

What do you think, Christy?

Oh... I like that.

It's light.

Tasty.

So glad the former waitress approves.

Now, next,

I would like to swap out the beet salad

for one with sweet gem lettuce...

CHRISTY: Ah...

that works.

Keep going.

And blanched asparagus
and an avocado vinaigrette.

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

That's perfect.

Now, for the entrée,

I've been toying around with a spring lamb

served with a pickled artichoke.

Damn it, that's good!

Lamb and artichoke, I mean, come on.

And to finish things off,

a white peach crumble with crème fraîche.

Yes.

That is how you finish.

Yeah, I'm not feeling it.

You should be sitting over here.

- Bring me some more ideas in the morning.
- You know what?

This may be your restaurant,

but it's my culinary innovations
that people come for,

so don't you dare tell me

what I can or cannot put on the menu.

- Get out.
- As long as we're clear.

So, is there anything else
you need to discuss?

Yes, I need to ask a personal favor.

Name it.

I want you to go out with Gabriel.

(loud thump)

Sorry, restless leg syndrome.

You're trying to fix me up with your ex?

Well, the sooner he meets someone,

the sooner he'll re-marry,

and the sooner I can stop
paying him alimony.

So what you're telling me is
he's not good enough for you,

but he's good enough for me?

Thanks for not making me say it.

Anyway, mull it over.

Will do, boss.

GABRIEL: This is amazing.

How do you figure?

If she wants me to date you,

then we don't have to hide anymore.

We can have an honest, open relationship.

(sighs): Oh...

You just don't get it, do you?

My wife ruins everything.

You know, it's Angela's job
to put this stuff away.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, but apparently

she had something better to do;
didn't even tell me.

Oh, that's terrible.

No, what's terrible
is running this meeting.

All people do is complain.

"We can't have a Facebook page,
we're anonymous."

Uh-huh.

I don't know what you were thinking,

roping me into this job.

You know, let me ask you something, Bonnie.

Since you've been secretary,

how many times have you
thought about drinking?

Who has time?

Plus, if I got drunk,

who'd make the brownies, set up the chairs,

get the Kleenex for Wendy...

Oh.

You're welcome.

I didn't say thank you.

Yeah, you did.

See you tomorrow.

Stupid old bank robber.

Can't believe she talked me into...

(buzzer blaring)

Yeah, I can see how that could be annoying.