Mom (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 14 - Benito Poppins and a Warm Pumpkin - full transcript

Hey, you got a minute?

Yeah, what's up?

Well, since I've gone back to school,

I was hoping you could

be a little flexible with my schedule,

you know, if I have a test or something?

Sure, but try and give me
as much notice as possible.

You got it.

I have to leave now.

What?!

But I don't have anybody to cover for you.



Oh, come on, Gabriel... please?

That lower lip thing used to work

when we were sleeping together.

Not so much now?

No. A little.

So, is this test really that important?

They're all important.

I've gotta think about my future.

I want to go to law school.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life

working in a stupid...

I want to go to law school.

Fine. I'll get Shelly to cover.

She has no dreams.



We need to talk.

Uh, Christy, you remember my wife Claudia.

Yes. Nice to see you again.

(dismissively): Yeah.

Why don't I give you guys some privacy.

Relax, this will only take a minute.

I want a divorce.

What?!

I just came from my therapist's office,

and we decided it's over.

Claudia, where is this coming from?

Oh, don't act so surprised.

I only married you to punish my parents.

And my mother's dead now,
so... mission accomplished.

Yeah, but your father's still alive.

I can get you pregnant. He will hate that.

Hmm... "Product of Spain."

It's over, Gabriel.

I want you out of the house tonight.

Where am I supposed to sleep?
In my office?

Oh, this isn't your office anymore.

Daddy said I could fire you.

Mmm! Salty.

You can't do that.

Regardless of how you feel about me,

I do a damn good job running this place.

Oh, please.

A monkey could do your job.

You want to manage a restaurant?

Excuse me?

Christy's not going to take my job.

She's loyal to me and she has
big dreams of her own.

What's it pay?

Mom - 02x14
Benito Poppins and a Warm Pumpkin

Sorry, Beverly, I'm just
a little behind on the repairs.

I'll get to you as soon as I can.

BEVERLY: You said that last week!

The latch on my window's been
broken for two months!

Somebody could get in
and murder me in my sleep!

Yeah, that'd be a shame.
What time you go to bed?

BEVERLY: What?

I want to fix it before you go to bed.

BEVERLY: I don't even know how

you call yourself a building manager.

Beverly, do I have to remind you

that I put up all
the Christmas decorations,

which I paid for out of my own pocket?

BEVERLY: Yeah, it's February.

When are they coming down?

(stove timer dings)

You'll never guess what happened.

Just say "uh-huh" every once in a while.

BEVERLY: I'm not the only tenant
who's dissatisfied.

(deep voice): Uh-huh.

BEVERLY: If things don't change,

we may have to go to the building owner.

Uh-huh.

That's what you think I sound like?

(deep voice): Uh-huh.

BEVERLY: "Uh-huh" what?

Um...

Beverly, I promise you.

I'll get your window fixed
by the end of the day.

BEVERLY: I'll believe it when I see it.

Uh-huh.

Weird, I do sound like that.

What's going on?

Nothing.

I'm just a little behind.

Do you know how to fix
an electric garage gate?

No.

How about removing a beehive from the wall

behind an old lady's shower stall?

You can keep the honey.

Are we gonna get kicked out of here?

No, don't be silly.

Have I ever let you...

So how was work?

Actually... amazing.

I... got promoted.

I am now the manager

of the Rustic Fig.

Congratulations!

Thanks.

What about your plan to go to law school?

Uh... I can do both.

But, this way, it'll mean
a lot more money each week.

Enough to get us a new apartment?

I thought you said there
was nothing to worry about.

Yeah... I also told the woman
in 3H I didn't smell gas.

Now she has no eyebrows.

(phone rings)

Oh, God! It never ends!

Aw... Want me to get that for you?

Will you, please?

Sure.

(ringing continues)

Hello?

It's for you.

(no voice)

Hey, everybody, thanks for
coming in a little early.

I just wanted to say a few words

before we get started.

I know we all loved Gabriel.

Hah!

Yeah, and, uh, he will be missed.

Oh. Paul says, "Hah."

Anyway, as your new manager,

I want you to know

I've walked a mile in all of your shoes.

So you should think of me

not so much as your new boss,

but as a friend.

Someone who knows
what you're going through.

Someone who cares.

Oh, this is gonna be hilarious.

All right, let's get set

for a great Rustic Fig lunch service.

Come on, everybody, let's bring it in.

Good idea.

Let's get to work.

Christy, my babysitter just called

and my daughter's running a fever.

I gotta go.

Really?

Gee, I've got nobody to cover for you.

Did the babysitter try
giving her a little Motrin?

She tried.

I might have to take her to the doctor.

(sighing): I... get it.

Go.

Thanks.

As a mom, I knew you'd understand.

Where's Gabriel?

Oh, uh, he doesn't work here anymore.

I am the new manager.

Really? You?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I shouldn't say
what I'm thinking.

Anyway, I just want to let you know

that I'm all alone out there parking cars,

so things might be a little slow.

What happened to your crew?

One guy violated his parole,

another got picked up by Immigration,

and little Frankie just got cast

in the touring company of Wicked.

Oh, good for him.

Yeah, it's his dream.

Christy... did you sign for this produce?

(clears throat)

"C. Plunkett, Manager."

Yep, that's me.

Well, does C. Plunkett know
what broccoli looks like?

C. Plunkett thought it was cauliflower.

No, these brown turds
you signed for are cauliflower.

Paul, we're done with the glare.

Thanks for finally getting over here.

You're welcome.

Must've called you six, seven times.

Yeah, well, I'm here now.

You see where it's leaking?

Yeah, I sure do.

Hey, I hope you don't mind me asking,

but are you totally blind or
can you see a little bit?

Not a thing.

Uh-huh.

I can feel you flapping
your hand in front of my face.

That wasn't me, I'm way over here.

Whatever.

Can you fix the faucet?

"Can I fix the faucet?"

Of course I can fix the faucet.

What are you reading?

Wow! Good ears!

You're like Stevie Wonder.

Except I'm not black.

Gotcha.

Good one.

It's a, uh, professional plumbing manual.

For dummies?

You'll never know.

Okay, this seems pretty straightforward.

So, how'd you lose your sight?

Defending our country.

Thank you for your service.

I got syphilis in a Saigon whorehouse.

Still. Brave.

How'd you fake your way into this job?

What makes you think
I faked my way into...

Didn't turn off
the main water valve, did you?

Didn't wear a condom, did you?

A lot of entrees stacking up here.

It's okay, I got it.

Uh... table six, please.

Thank you. Great job.

Uh... table two, please.

Thank you. Great job!

Uh... (gasps)

Those are hot.

Thanks for the heads up.

Thanks for the yellow broccoli!

I am C. Plunkett, Manager.
I am C. Plunkett, Manager.

Be right with you!

Ah!

Careful, hot plates.

(clears throat)

(quietly): C. Plunkett, Manager.

Whoa!

Uh...

Ramone, can you do me a favor
and please mop this up?

No habla.

Oh, you totally habla!

I am so sorry.

Let me just get your menus...

Hey, I've been waiting
45 minutes for my car.

Yeah, we're a little short-handed

at the valet station.

While you wait, why don't you
have a drink on the house?

You want me to drink and drive?

Oh, I'm sure you'll sober up
by the time you get your car.

Please, follow me.

WOMAN: Excuse me,

I have a problem.

Uh, here... your table's right over there.

You're gonna need two more chairs,

so you can just take 'em from that table.

(clears throat)

Yes, ma'am?

This wine is off.

Oh, no, that can't be.

That's an '06 Brunello.

Go ahead, taste it.

No, I can't.

Oh, so you don't like it either?

No, it's not that, it's just...

Just take a sip and you'll see
what I'm talking about.

I can't drink it, lady. I'm an alcoholic.

Oh, so am I! Drink it!

Mm, hang on, I'll get you another bottle.

I didn't forget about...

Whoa!

You say mop.

Did you notice the entire toilet
moves when you sit on it?

Yeah, it's not bolted down right.

You gotta hover.

I hover at work.

I like to sit at home.

You can't fix it?

No, I can't fix it!

Don't bark at me.

I'm sorry.

I had a bad day.

That makes two of us.

People yelled at me today.

I had a lady kick me.

Seriously?

In her defense, I kind of clipped her

when I was parking her car.

Can I tell you a secret?

I think I might've bitten off

more than I can chew with this job.

It's not a secret, Mom.

Do you think you'll survive
the restaurant?

Not unless I get help.

I was thinking about asking
Gabriel for advice.

You're gonna ask the guy whose
job you stole how to do the job?

I didn't steal it.

It was given to me in lieu of a monkey.

(phone ringing) Oh, damn!

Do you want me to answer that?

No, thank you.

Uh-huh?

(groans)

Okay, I'll be right there.

It's times like this,

I miss selling drugs in bad neighborhoods.

And I miss sitting
in my stroller watching you.

You've got to be kidding me.

Do I have balls or what?

Go away.

Oh... come on!

If it helps, uh,

I'm failing miserably
trying to do your job.

Why didn't you say so?

Come on in.

Ooh, hey!

Nice digs.

I just got thrown out of
a 6,000-square-foot home

in a gated community.

Okay, but I bet you didn't live

across the street from a Target.

Bums fight in the parking lot all night.

Ooh! Who needs cable?

So the job's kicking your ass, huh?

(sighs wearily)

Last night, after we closed,

I went up to the office,

got under the desk and cried.

Did you see where I carved
my initials in there?

I did.

It's what gave me the idea

to ask you for help.

I bet you wish you could drink, hmm?

(burps)

It's not as appealing as you might think.

So, what do you need?

(sighs) I...

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I... I'm being nice to everybody.

The kitchen staff, the vendors.

I-I say please, I say thanks.

I never raise my voice.

That's your problem.

What do you mean?

You're a people pleaser.

You want to be their friend.

That's never gonna work.

To run a restaurant,
the customers have to see

Mary Poppins and everybody else

has to see Benito Mussolini.

Couldn't I be Benito Poppins?

Nope.

You were always nice to me.

And did you respect me?

Okay, I see where you're going.

I'm sorry, I...

I've been so caught up
in trying to do my job,

I didn't even ask you how you're doing.

You care? Course I care.

I mean, you and I have...

history.

Thanks.

That means a lot to me.

And to answer your question,

I don't know how I'm doing.

At times, I'm relieved

I'm out of a horrible marriage

and a job that I hated.

And at other times...

I'm sober.

Ooh! Shower time.

(knocking on door)

I know you're in there, Plunkett!

Hiya, Bev. What can I do for you?

The window latch that you fixed
with Scotch tape

broke again and my cat got out.

"Got out" or ran away from you?

I just want you to know
that I'm passing around

a petition to have you
kicked out of this building.

Nobody's gonna sign it.

I'm beloved here.

Oh, really?

I got 38 signatures in an hour.

Mind if I take a look at that?

Thank you.

It's a copy.

Well, then, thanks for stopping by.

CHRISTY: Yo, we need
bus trays on the floor!

Table two needs bread!

Hey, pretty boy!

You got time to lean,
you got time to clean.

Need your signature over here.

Oh, you do, huh?

You call this fennel?

I call it crap.

That actually looks pretty good.

Well... (clears throat)
I got the fennel part right.

Hey!

Tonight's special doesn't come
with a side of hair.

Bun it up, blondie.

Christy, a word?

Yeah, boss? I've been
getting a lot of complaints

from the staff about you today.

Oh, God, I'm sorry. I was just...

No, no!

Don't apologize.

Keep doing what you're doing.

Love it.

Hola, Christy.

Hang on, Ramone.

(sniffing)

Have you been smoking pot in the bathroom?

No.

Ramone...

Un poco.

I am only gonna say this once:

You want to keep this job,

you get loaded before you come to work.

Like I used to.

How about that?

I found my thing.

All we need is a few more signatures

so we can go to the building owner

and have Plunkett fired.

(all cheer in agreement)

Sorry to, uh, interrupt,

but I heard we had
a rat problem down here.

What brings you around?

It's certainly not to fix the ceiling fan.

(all laugh)

It is not.

Why don't you just admit you
have no idea how to do this job?

Fine. I admit it.

Is that what you want to hear?

I am trying my best.

I still have a lot to learn.

I'm a flawed human being!

But aren't we all?

Really?

Everyone here is perfect?

Do I need to remind you that I have

the keys to all your apartments?

That's right.

I have access to all your homes.

And all your secrets.

Where you going, Mr. Wilkerson?

To put on a dress?

I guess he won't be signing
your little petition.

Who else wants to get rid of me?

Certainly not the young lady
on the second floor

who has a Web series
that takes place in her shower.

Or the quiet, shy fella
in the corner apartment

who likes to make love to a warm pumpkin.

You see where I'm going with this?

If I go down,

you all go down.

You're bluffing!

Oh, really?

(whispers)

I say we keep her!

All right, meeting adjourned.

What do you say, Bev?

No hard feelings?

Nah, I guess not.

Come here, let's hug it out.

No one will ever publish your poetry.

Everyone at work hates me.

And now I hate me.

♪

This one was from the lady in 2F.

Just put with the others.

She's not really a lady.