Modern Family (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 3 - The Closet Case - full transcript

There you go. A nice yummy breakfast.

Hey, where's the little leprechaun?

Oh, I think he's still getting dressed.

No, on the box.
This isn't our normal cereal.

Well, because this is the store brand,

but it's delicious.

Okay, guess what. I just got
an offer to handle a case.

Good, because I think this
cereal is mostly sawdust.

It is great, it's just there's,
um...slight complication.

It's for Closets, Closets...

I don't like where this is going.
...Closets...



Don't say it. ...Closets

What did you think
the last word might be?

Mitchell, you can't work
for your father's rival.

Hey, wait.
Why does Grandpa have a rival?

Oh, who knows? Betrayal.

Because 30 years ago,

your grandfather's business partner

and best friend, Earl Chambers,

stole his Rolodex
with all of his clients

and started his own company
on a day that is now known

as Black Wednesday Afternoon.

Nobody calls it that.

Look, I know that there's
some history there,

but can't we all just move on?



Your father hasn't.

He still crank calls Earl every year

on the anniversary of the day

that is now known as
Black Wednesday Afternoon.

I really need this job.

At least tell your dad first

and spare him the pain I felt

when I found out you were still

getting your hair cut at Miguel's.

Wait, what did Miguel do to you again?

He recommended a shampoo
for thinning hair, Mitchell.

Maybe we can use this to fix
the loose tile in the bathroom.

# Modern Family 7x03 #
The Closet Case
Original Air Date on October 7, 2015

Hey, Mr. Dunphy, can we have
just a moment of your time?

Come on, now. How long
have we known each other?

We should be on a first-name basis.

Better yet, a nickname basis, Vitamin D.

Glad to hear you say that,

'cause, um, we have a favor to ask you.

You know how Dyl--

Vitamin D has his own t-shirt business?

Oh, I should've seen this coming.

Um...yes, I will model for you,

but I'm gonna need to own the negatives.

Okay, great.

Also, we were kind of hoping

that Dylan could stay in the basement

with me for a little while.

Oh. He's trying to save up

to build inventory,
and rent is killing him.

It feels like they're asking for money,

like, every six weeks.

I don't know, guys.

Moving in together, that's a big step.

It's just for a little while.

Please?

I guess if your mom's okay with it,

I'm okay with it.

Oh, um, and could you ask her for us?

I'll give it a shot,
but it'll be the second thing

I've talked her into this morning,

and it'll be a lot trickier
now that she's fully awake.

Hey, hon. Do you have a minute?

Just. I can't be late to work.

We are unveiling a new closet
today -- The Trulhatten.

It's Swedish, it's cheap, it's modern.

We're gonna grab Ikea by the meatballs.

Listen, I was talking
to Haley and Dylan -- Ugh.

They want to know if he can stay
in the basement for a few weeks.

Oh, Phil, I think that's a bad idea.

They're adults,
and Dylan really has been

getting his act together.
This doesn't bother you?

I don't enjoy having
to get your approval

for everything,
but that's the deal I made.

Haley and Dylan in her bedroom.

They're doing what they're doing.

I say we be evolved about it.

Fine.

If you're really okay
with our precious daughter

shacking up with her
ne'er-do-well boyfriend,

so be it.

I just don't want them sneaking
around like we had to.

The scariest moment of my life
was that pantsless conversation

I had with your dad
through the Dutch door.

How lazy are you?

If you want to talk to us,
just come downstairs.

Luke, I'm at college.
I don't even live there anymore.

And.. you have been missed.

Whatever. I'll try mom in the car.

I really need to talk
to her about something.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm here for you.

What's wrong?

Well, okay. It's Sanjay.

I feel like he's been avoiding me.

Whoa.

I know. He's been really distant.

Uh, tell me all about it.

And don't worry.
Take all the time you need.

Well he never really
texts me back anymore.

Maybe I should confront him about it?

Yes! Do it!

Yeah. You know what? You are right.

I'm totally going to call him right now,

and I'm going to tell him
he can't treat me this way.

No, no, no. No, no, please don't.

Fine, whatever. I get it.
I'll give him some more space.

You could practice right now

and take a scootch to your right.

What?

Who are you talking to?

Oh!

My brother.

He's cute. Mm.

Hi, Alex's brother.

Hey. I'm Luke.

Who are you?

Ugh. Brie.

I live down the hall.

Just borrowing a dress.
Thanks, Alex. Mm.

Bye. Bye, Luke.

I-I lift weights!

Hey, what's up?

Manny, you and I are going to college.

You sure are, buddy.

Who cares what that
guidance counselor said?

Look, there's a girl in my sister's dorm

who's super into me,

and she's got a hot roommate for you.

How hot? Use your imagination.

Holy cow.

I guess it would help
take my mind off of Carly.

Should we talk about what color ties

we're gonna wear so we don't clash?

Click.

Manny.

So, who is this Carly?

Carly Stevenson. She's my cheerleader,

but I don't think
she's too happy about it.

What do you mean that
she's your cheerleader?

It's a football tradition.

They pair each player
with a cheerleader,

and then they're supposed to
decorate the locker,

bake them cookies, wear their
hair the way he likes it.

It's fun for everybody.

Yesterday, all the
other players' lockers

looked like Mardi Gras floats.

My locker, nothing.

Maybe your Carly's busy,

but I'm sure she's gonna do
something nice for you.

I remember my cheerleader,
Donna Deritzio.

She got busy and did
something nice for me,

if you catch my meaning.

Oh! Mitchell.
You're the first to arrive.

Come on, I'll make you a drink.

No, dad. I'm not here for a party.

Oh, good. I thought I forgot
someone's birthday again.

Listen, there's something
I want to talk to you about.

Um, I got an offer to handle a case,

but I'm a little worried
about who it's for.

What's the matter now? Killing whales?

Drilling for oil? Child labor?

'Cause let me tell you something.

I had a paper route
when I was 7 years old,

and you know what it gave me?

A work ethic and a
right arm like Popeye.

No, dad, it --

I'd be working for
Closets, Closets, Closets --

Next word better not be closets.

Of course it's Closets!

Now I'm confused.

Are you talking about Closets,
Closets, Closets, Closets,

or Of Course It's Closets?

'Cause Roy Carson's a straight shooter,

and poor guy has a son
who's not quite right.

Are you really making me say this again?

It's Closets, Closets --

you're not working for that

Rolodex-stealin Earl Chambers!

It's just short term, a few weeks.

You know why he's doing this?!

Because I'm a good lawyer

who handled a similar
case for you last year.

He's doing this to mess with me!

I was referred by another lawyer.

I doubt Earl even knows about it.

That Rolodex was full of A-list clients.

Your Erik Estradas,
your Fran Tarkentons,
your Leslie Uggums.

I'm sorry, are these real names?
What about that probate?

Who did you mess that up? Client's dead.

Okay, this is crazy.

Why am I worried about your feelings

when you obviously have
no concern for mine?

Y-- I'm taking that job.

It's like a Hatfield
working for a McCoy.

If a Hatfield ever worked for a McCoy,

maybe it would've ended
that ridiculous family feud.

Richard Dawson!

Also in the Rolodex!
Also in the Rolodex!

_

Haley, did you take
my phone charger again?

What?

Do you have my charger?!

I can't hear you. Just text me.

I wish I could!

I really need you to get
your own charger, honey.

Oh, you're both in the bed together.

Dad, it's fine. Yeah.

Our room is your room, Philibuster.

Thank you, Dylan.

Uh, anyway, just, uh,
looking for my charger.

Oh. Sorry, Dad, it's not here.

Guess I'll just get used
to not having any power.

Carly?

Carly?

Carly? Yeah?

I thought so. Who are you?

I am Manny's mother,
and I want to know why

you haven't done a better job
at decorating his locker.

Because it's a stupid sexist tradition.

Why don't the players
decorate our lockers?

That's a very good question
you should have asked yourself

before becoming a cheerleader.

Here.

Buy yourself something pretty

and put it on my son's locker.

Mrs. Delgado-Pritchett,

may I please see you in my office?

Okay, I want a new
cheerleader for Manny.

Give me this yearbook and
I'm gonna pick one for him.

No. Even if I did think
that was a good idea,

I'm not gonna abuse my position
of power in the school.

You share an office with a tetherball.

You have to just let
nature take its course,

just like this webcam
I've been watching.

It's a live stream of wild otters.

I forget, is it the small hairy men

or the tall not hairy men?

Small hairy, but these are
actual otters. Look.

See, this mama otter
just gave birth to twins.

Now, the little one, he's struggling,

but do you see the mama doting on him?

No, you do not.

Well, if you ask me,
she's being a terrible mother.

She should be filling
him with confidence

and fish like I do to Manny.

High school is difficult.
It's part of the experience.

And that's not a bad thing.

Learning how to handle disappointment

and overcoming adversity,

that's part of the reason
I am where I am today.

Chuck, no. No, no, no.
There's no more room in here.

I beg you, please!

Conference room is down there.

Oh, very nice.

This is Mr. Chambers' office.

Oh, he's in. Let me introduce you.

Earl, am I bothering you?

Nothing's bothering me.
I'm gonna be in Time magazine.

Closet Time. Shut up.

This is the attorney...
Okay. All right, all right.

...handling the Fowler case, Mitchell...

Just call me Mitchell. ...Pritchett.

Pritchett?

Mitch Pritchett.

Son of that son of a bitch
Jay Pritchett?

Reporting for duty.
Don't bother unpacking that briefcase.

I cannot have a Pritchett
hanging around here.

I got too much sensitive information

your dad would love to get his hands on.

That was a takeout menu. I don't
want that man to know where I eat.

I'm just here to do a job.

I don't care what happened

between you and my dad 30 years ago.

Has it really been that long?

I was little when
the whole thing started.

I used to call you Uncle Earl.

I remember that. You were a cute kid.

Hey, did you ever solve
that Rubik's Cube?

I got three sides.

Not bad.

What the hell? You can stay.

Maybe you working here
can be the beginning

of a new chapter
between our two families.

I'll tell you what, you tell your dad

if he wants to bury the
hatchet, dinner's on me.

Oh, really?

Absolutely.

Oh.

Okay.

I just wish my dad
was as reasonable as you.

Thank you very much.
Now get out of here.

I got to get my cover shot.

You're not on the cover. Shut up!

What are you two doing here?

Reaching out to a family
member in distress.

You sounded pretty upset yesterday

So, you drove all the way down here?

That's so sweet.

Hey, we're here for you.

How are you feeling? What's new?

Where's your friend Brie's room?

Ugh. Down the hall to the left.

Just go.

Do you have a steam iron?

Because I would love
to give this blazer a --

Ugh

Hi, honey. Hey.

Sorry I'm so late.
Work was so crazy today.

From the moment I got there,

it was just one problem after another.

But all just closet stuff, right?

Yeah. Listen.

I want to apologize about
the whole Dylan thing.

Um...I wasn't taking your
feelings into consideration.

I know how uncomfortable you are

with him sleeping in Haley's room, so...

I think we should reconsider.

Really?

Hey. Look at me.

This is as much your
house as it is mine.

I know that.

Let's go kick him out.

Hey, guys. Can we talk for a second?

What's up? Actually, let's sit down.

There's something pretty
important we need to discuss.

Okay, whoa.

This is exactly how it started out

when I found out my father
wasn't really in space.

Anyway, um, after some
careful consideration...

Mm-hmm.

...your mother has something to say.

Claire, you're up.

That was the moment I realized

Phil wanted me to kick Dylan out

so he could be the cool one.

Well, I can be cool, too.

I'm cooler than cool. I'm frigid.

Mom, what is it?

We were thinking

about having pizza for dinner.

Whoa!

Mm-hmm. Claire.

I know we had it a couple of days ago,

but I'm too tired to cook. Hmm.

I'm gonna go change my clothes.

Claire, um...honey.

That was weird.

You know what's weird?

Thinking your dad's on the moon,

then seeing him working at the mall.

Claire, what was that?

I thought we were giving Dylan the boot.

Yeah, but then I suddenly realized

I'm being so unfair.

You like having Dylan here.

Yeah, but --

Honey, look at me.

This is as much your house as mine.

It is? Now go order the pizza.

It's getting late and those two
are heading off to bed soon.

Oh, hey, Mitchell, you're in luck.

There's room for
another knife in my back.

I just came here to
tell you to your face

that you're wrong about Earl.

He is not that bad a guy.

I've seen him eat a panda steak.

He is a little rough around the edges,

but, look, he wants the rivalry to end.

Never!

You know, he's not the problem.

You are. You.

So blinded by pettiness.

You can't even see when a man's
extending an Olive branch,

and -- oh, my God. What?

I just realized there are
two sides to every story,

and who am I to discount yours?

We should go inside and we should --

You were saying?

Nothing. I'm never saying
anything ever again.

_

Gloria?

No.

Gloria.

Yes.

Streamers, twinkle lights.

"Sexy Manny"?

I hope there's a number
to a good therapist in here.

I don't have time for this.

What is this?

Well, well, well.

Would you look at that?

I said to leave things alone,
and what do you know?

The cheerleader came through,
so apology accepted.

What are you talking about?

She did this because I scared her.

Well, whether we were
both right or just me,

the point is things
worked themselves out,

so I think we can go home.

Carly, hello.

Thank you so much for doing such
a great job on Manny's locker.

I haven't decorated it yet.

What? But then who would --

well, I guess we'll never know, so...

Cameron.

Okay, fine, I did it.

What happened with letting
mother nature take its course

like the otters in your computer?

The little one's dead. What?

The mother, she did nothing
while an eagle pecked it apart.

Nature is cruel. Ah.

You decorated Manny's locker?

I decorated eight of them.

This tradition's on fumes.

All right.

So, this is it, huh?

The rat's nest.

Well, well, well, aloha, Jack Lord.

I remember you from my Rolodex.

I'm so embarrassed.
I can't believe I fell for it.

Well, at least you finally realized

this is not some silly rivalry.

Now let me get at his cigars
so I can drag my deal across it.

Okay, I have to say,

the Scotch is starting to wear off

and I'm having second thoughts
about this plan, dad.

What's there to think about?

You take a picture of me

dragging my deal across the cigars,

we give him enough time to smoke them,

and we send the photo to Earl.

First of all, Earl will then

have a picture of you
with your pants down,

and I'll have that same picture

in my brain for the rest of my life.

Suddenly you're squeamish about
seeing another man's deal?

The man made a fool of you, Mitchell!

You're right. I'm overthinking it.

Whip it out.

Keep your deal in your pants, Pritchett!

Okay, does everybody call it a deal?

How have I never heard of this?

You've gone too far this time, Earl.

Bringing my family into this.

Yeah. How could you? I trusted you.

I defended you to my father,

and you made me look like a fool!

And all for what? Closets.

You mean the place that
people start each day,

choosing an outfit that gives them

the confidence to achieve their dreams?

Or that magical space
that turns a bonus room

into a bedroom and a house into a home?

Thanks to cheap materials,

your closets turn a house
into a fire trap!

We pleaded no contest.

That is not an admission of guilt.

I'm doing it. I'm taking my deal out.

The hell you are! Get! Get!

I'll crush your skull like an egg!

And they say by the end of the semester,

we'll know how to sequence a genome.

I don't know about genomes,

but on my father's side of the family,

we do have a garden gnome.

He uses a mushroom as an umbrella.

Manny, you're up.

Can I just say it's so amazing

spending some time with you two.

I am so sick of superficial,

self-absorbed high-school girls.

Oh, my God, I hated high-school girls.

The worst are cheerleaders.

They used to make fun of me
behind my back brace.

Well, brace yourself for this.

You look hot now.

Manny, you're up.

Forgive my friend.

It's just that you two are so beautiful,

it's a little intimidating.

Okay.

College isn't going the way we thought.

Neither of us has kissed
a guy since we got here.

So...

You mean us?

Yeah. Now?

In accordance with campus regulations,

you have our consent.

Yes!

Thank you. I'll be right back.

Gum, gum, gum. I need gum.

I don't have any.

Thanks.

I finally got through to Sanjay.

Um...sounds personal.

I don't want to stick
my nose into your --

He broke up with me.

He's seeing someone else.

Um, you probably want
to be alone right now.

I am alone.

Hey.

Come on.

You'll be okay.

That's, uh...

That's really all I got.

Luke, hurry up.

They're starting to
come to their senses.

Go. It's fine.

I'm gonna stay with Alex.

Is there anything I can do?

I don't think so.

Okay, pray for me.

Well, there you are.

Didn't quite work out like we planned,

but I did get that staple in his head.

You have to understand I did it
for the right reasons.

I was -- I was just
looking out for my family,

but... you're my family, too.

You know what the best
part of tonight was?

It wasn't just me against Earl.

It was us against him.

I liked that.

I did too. Yeah.

And I promise I will never side
with anyone else ever again.

Unless, of course, you're wrong,

'cause I still do have my principles.

okay.

Just get out of the car.

First I have to give you this.

It's my old Rolodex! Yeah.

I stole it out of his office.

But how? When?

You guys were rolling
around under that desk

for about 10 minutes.

After I grabbed it, I had time
to return some e-mails.

Thank you for this.

It's a huge deal.

That word's kind of tainted
for me now, so...

You guys cold? I can turn up the heat,

get you out from underneath that blanket.

We're good, L.A.P.D.

As bad as I wanted Dylan out,
I wasn't gonna flinch.

Phil needed to do it.

He needed to be as tough
as that eagle on the Internet.

Dumb otter never saw it coming.

Oh, stop! That tickles!

Uh!

You all right, Phil?

Yeah, just enjoying the movie.

Oh, you are? It's not even scary.

Like, that is the lamest
sea monster I've ever seen.

That's 'cause you can see it.

It is way scarier
if you can only imagine

what's going on beneath the surface.

Aah! That's it!

I'm done! Oh!

Haley, Dylan,

this little living arrangement of yours,

it's not working out
and it's about to change.

Dad, why are you freaking out?
Because I'm your father

and I can't have the two of
you sleeping together

in the same room like it's no big deal.

So, from now on, you're gonna
show me the respect I deserve

and sneak around behind my back.

Do what, now?

I don't understand. Starting tonight,

you're sleeping in Alex's room,

and if there's any monkey business,

better happen after I'm asleep.

Are you serious?!

I'm okay with that. Me too.

I'm not okay with that.

I'm not okay with any of that.

Haley, you need to start
focusing on your job.

Dylan you're moving out tomorrow.

End of discussion!

Sorry. I'm not the cool mom.

Not the cool mom.

Hey, guys, I tried.

Thanks.

_

What are you doing in my bed?!

Waiting for your dad to fall asleep.

What is going on in here?!

Alex, why are you home?

Sanjay broke up with me.

Aww. Ohh.

Sweetheart.

Everything will be fine.

Just go sleep with Haley.