Modern Family (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 16 - The Cover-Up - full transcript

Thank you.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Samples!

Mmm!

Mmm.

Excuse me, do I know you?

I don't think so.

You look so familiar.
Why am I picturing a bench ad?

Minor celebrity. Guilty as charged.

Oh! You're the "Accidentes" guy.

Mm. No. No, no, no.

Um, I'm, uh...



I'm Mr. Real Estate -- Phil Dunphy.

Oh, right.

I am actually looking
for a house right now.

Wow. Well, if I could be
of any service...

I don't -- I don't have any cards.

I'm in my gym clothes.

Oh, I see you earned that hot chocolate.

Yeah, I rocked a pretty intense
Shake Weights/power walk combo.

Morning, neighbors.

Saw your daughter yesterday.
Boy, she is growing up fast.

My name is Angie.

Here is my number.

If you find any good
three-bedrooms
in the neighborhood,

I'd love to see them.



Well, I'll call you.
I'd love to show them to you.

I'm not just a pretty face
people sit on.

Forget...I said that.

Here you go.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Who's Angie?

Oh. Just a woman I m-met inside.

Really? She gave you her number?

And dotted her "I" with a little heart?

Oh, yeah. She's looking for a house.

Sweet old lady.

Don't know why I said that.

Little overweight.

No idea where that came from.

Thick Irish accent.

I panicked!

I should have told the truth,

but Claire knows I have... a type.

It was just a little white lie.

Ironically.

# Modern Family 7x16 #
The Cover-Up
Original Air Date on March 16, 2016

Hey, America!

I didn't see you there.

Welcome to another live
webcast of "Jay Talking".

You know what really gets my goat?

Goat cheese.

It's on everything.

I hate it.

The only thing worse than goat cheese

is eating it at a communal table

with some jerk wearing a hat inside.

Have some respect.

And pull up your pants!

Only crack I want to see
is in the Liberty Bell.

Greatest country on the damn planet.

If, six months ago,

you'd have told me
I'd have a big Internet show,

I would have said,
"Yeah, that adds up".

I used to entertain my staff
with jokes and observations.

When I retired,

I started sharing those gems
around the house.

Manny went so nuts for it,
he set up the whole webcast.

Sorry, Internet. He's your problem now.

Bottom line, you can keep your hashtags,

'cause I like hashbrowns.

But, hey...

that's just "Jay Talking".

And we're out.

Wow. 90 minutes just flew by.

Hey, guys!

The comments are already rolling in!

"Keep it up, Jay".

"You're saying what we're all thinking".

"I miss chop suey, too."

I love it, because now everybody
gets to see what I live with.

What the hell? This guy again? Who?

Some meatball named "LadyKiller52"

been dogging me for days.

Look what he wrote.

"Hey, Grandpa, no one
cares what you think."

Are you sure that that's not from Haley?

Here's another one. The same jerk!

"It's weird you don't like goat cheese

when you've got a goat face."

Well, that makes no sense. Mnh-mnh.

What kind of goat eats its own cheese?

Here I am, trying
to make America laugh and think,

and this hockey puck's
coming at me with tired insults.

Okay, i-it's called a troll, Jay.

But you can't let him or anything else

keep you from directing
all of your opinions

into that computer.

You're right, Manny.

It's tough being in the public eye.

Now I know why Sinatra
was always punching guys.

Hola, Claire.

Hey. What's going on?

You do a lot of yoga, right?

Ah, I used to.

But all those judgy vegans

with their ponytails
and their Lululemon,

I'm like, "nama-stay home",
you know what I mean?

Um...

I just started taking it,

but I think that the instructor
is hitting on me.

He is. How do you know?

Because you're you in yoga pants.

Ugh.

Just go to another class.

But this one is perfect.

It's at the same time as Joe's Gymboree,

right next door.

Ay, why don't you come with me today

and tell me if I'm just being crazy?

Sure. Text me the info.

Hey, remind her!

Oh! And don't forget --

today, all-new episode of "Jay Talking".

He takes on restaurants

that write their menus on blackboards.

I want to feel a menu in my hands!

Hey, girl.

What are you doing? Nothing.

Just wanted to say hi, talk about stuff.

What stuff? I don't know.

I just miss you.

We could talk about anything.

How about... Watergate?

Like, what would you say

were the three most significant ways

it changed American politics?

Cite your sources.

I'm not writing your essay.

Okay. See you at Easter.

Hey. I'm back.

How'd your showing
with Angie-with-a-heart go?

Oh, fine. Uneventful.

Nondescript.

This shower's really small.

Could you imagine me in here?

Weird thing --
I was with her for two hours,

I couldn't pick her out of a crowd.

Really? That is weird.

Nothing weird about it.

You just said it was weird.

That's weird. Give me a kiss!

Mwah!

What are you up to, buddy?

Writing a paper on President Nixon.

What an idiot.

He had it all and just threw it away

because of some stupid lie.

Well, maybe it came out of his mouth

before he knew what he was saying.

Okay, but then he just
kept lying over and over

and making it worse and worse.

Phil, how old is Angie?

Oh, uh, gosh... 70. Why?

I was thinking about
that house on Forsyth.

It's nice but has a lot of stairs.

No. She's too...fat for that.

Hmm.

Therefore, I shall resign the presidency

effective at noon tomorrow.

If only he had told the truth.

He was in too deep!

Ta-da! Check out what I got!

No, thanks.

Thought we could go to the park tomorrow

and you could finally learn.

What pavement tastes like?

I don't think so.

Well, Lily, when you're ready,
it's here for you.

Mitchell, can I, um,
speak to you in the bedroom

about the, uh, dust ruffle?

Don't worry --
the dust ruffle's leaving.

Okay, why are you doing this?

We need Lily to get on this bike.

Why are you pushing this so hard?

She's clearly afraid.

She's been afraid
of a lot of things lately.

Last week, she wouldn't even
open her closet door

because she thought
something scary was in there.

Could be the denim jumpsuit
your mom made her.

This is a pivotal moment.

We can't raise a child

who won't ride a bike
or get on an airplane

or eat mayonnaise.

It's a texture thing.
How does egg become that?

We are doing this tomorrow.
She is getting on this bike.

What's the rush? She's 8 years old.

Most Vietnamese kids her age are
already riding a bike to work.

So, where's Mahatma Handsy?

I noticed that you have
a lot of these yoga puns.

I don't think we need any more.

Namaste.

Okay. Now I get the one from before.

Uh-huh.

Hi. Hi.

We haven't met.

Oh. Claire.

Claire. Mm-hmm.

Beautiful.

Like the sunrise in Tanjung Rhu.

You have a great yoga body.
You've done this before?

Um, yeah. I mean, it's been
a little while, but yeah.

Great posture, strong core.

We're going to have fun.

Maybe I've just been stressed
lately, but I was wrong.

Yoga felt good.

We are lifting our hips
towards the ceiling.

Very nice, Claire.

Ra was very supportive.

Maybe I just never had
the right teacher.

Am I doing it right?

Shh!

And they validate parking.

_

Another one?

I've had it with
this LadyKiller son of a bitch.

He's been lobbing insults all night.

"Hey, dumbbell, I can smell your
breath through the Internet."

They can't do that, right?

Jay, take it from a fellow performer --

If you're going to
put yourself out there,

you need to let the criticism
roll off your back.

I must say, I was impressed
you didn't mope for a month

after that brutal review
of you in "Sound of Music".

What are you talking about?
There was no review.

There was no school paper that week.

Eeeeeexactly.
There was no paper that week.

Oh, yeah.

What did you do?

I...

I am not going to stand here

and let you accuse me
of stealing all of those papers!

He didn't say that.

"After seeing Manny Delgado

mangle the role of Captain Von Trapp,

all I can say is
"Doe-a-dear Lord, make it stop.

I am 16 going on antidepressants.

I wanted to climb every
mountain and jump off."

What teacher allowed this?

Hey, Grandpa.

Hi, honey!

Oh, I'm so glad you called.

I've just been having the worst week.

It's been so overwhelming and so much --

You know what helps? A cocktail.

Listen, I've got a situation.

Do you know any computer nerds

that can track someone down
on the Internet?

Yeah, I think I can find a few.

Okay! How exciting is this, Lily?

In no time at all,
you're gonna be a bike rider.

Or a corpse. Okay...

I know you're afraid,
and sometimes it's helpful

if you say exactly
what you're afraid of out loud.

So...?

I'm afraid I'll fall

because I'm not ready and you forced me,

so for the rest of my life,
I'll hold it against you.

And then other times, it's just best

to tamp it down and soldier on.

I said this when you pried her
out of the car,

and I'll say this again --
she doesn't want to do this!

She will when she sees
how easy it is for me.

See? Easy as pie!

Okay, look, Lily,
if you don't want to do this --

I don't want to do this. Okay.

Aah! I'm good!

Um...look. All right.
I'm gonna talk to Daddy.

But just promise me
you'll learn someday, okay?

And that you'll get on a plane.

Why wouldn't I get on a plane?
What's wrong with them?

Nothing. They're safer than cars.

Cars aren't safe?! Oh, my God.

Okay! Look -- here's Daddy.

Here we are, safe and sound!

What's wrong? Nothing.

I just think I left the oven on
at home after breakfast,

so we should get going.

Thank God.

No, you had cereal for breakfast.

What's going on?

I wiped out, and I think I broke my arm.

I've never been in so much pain.

Keep smiling.

Got to get you to an ER.

No, don't! No, no!

If Lily sees me hurt,
she's never gonna get on a bike.

You crashed because of that
shirtless jogger, didn't you?

Oh, my God. Right?

Oh, Gloria! I was wondering
if you were gonna be here today.

What are you doing here?

I got to say, I thought I was over yoga,

but yesterday was a real eye-opener.

"Eye" or "thigh"?

Hmm. Wow.

I thought it was
a very challenging class,

and I don't really appreciate
anything else you're implying,

'cause you're a little...

I'm what?

Jealous.

Of what -- of him rubbing you

like he was expecting a genie
to come out?

Look, you are so used to being
the center of men's attention

that yesterday, it probably
bothered you that I...got some.

Attention. That's all. Just attention.

That's insane. I am a married woman.

I am used to getting no attention.

No, Angie, you're like
right around the corner from me.

Yeah, turn left, walk west,

and I'll see you
in front of the hair salon.

All right. See you in a minute.

Phil?

Ohh!

Hey!

No!

What are you guys up to?

I have a yoga class.

And, apparently, Claire does, too.

What are you doing here?

Oh, just on my way to show more houses

to my fat, Irish client, Angie O'Plasty.

Huh. I'm going in.

I will tell Ra that you're here.

Ra is our yoga instructor.

Oh, she must be great.
You're here two days in a row.

She is great.

She's a little old.

Don't know why I said that.

I got to go.

See you black home.

Pretty sure I know why I said that.

This is the most pain
I've ever been in in my life.

And a horse once kicked me
into an electric fence.

Well, C-Cam, yeah, you broke your arm.

You got to go to the hospital.

No. Not yet.

I'll go in, draw myself a bath,

pretend to fall and break my arm.

In the meantime,
go get those painkillers

that they gave you
when you twisted your ankle.

Oh, I think I threw those away. Did you?

Or are they in the nightstand
next to your bed

because they go good
with a glass of wine?

Dad?

Yeah?

Can you open these?

'Course I can.

Well? Will you?

Uh...sure. Yeah. Now?

Okay.

Let's see here.

Ohh! Ooh, you know what?

There's a fun way to open these

I don't know if I've ever taught you.

There! Whoopsie-daisy!

Bon app?tit. Bath time!

Okay, so, I got the -- Uh...

What happened here?

Daddy opened the chips.

With what -- a snowblower?

Whew!

Oh!

Oh! Oh, I wonder what that noise was.

I hope Daddy's okay!

Daddy! Oh, no!

Looks like you fell
and broke your, uh, left arm.

No, Mitchell, I fell. I really fell.

Oh, really? Really.

Are you okay?

My head hurts. And my arm.

I'm never taking a bath again!

Oh, great.

Too bad you didn't
fall off a stripper pole.

Ow! I-I'm sorry.

That is the left. Left.

Well, this is the address
Alex's nerds gave me,

but it's not
where I pictured a troll living.

"After his performance
in 'The Sound of Music,'

Christopher Plummer went on to
a distinguished acting career.

After Delgado's performance,
I expect he'll go on

to a distinguished plumbing career."

Focus! I need you to film this
for my show tomorrow.

By the way, if the punk's
under 18, you have to hit him.

What?! I never agreed to that!

Pritchett?

Earl?

You've got to be kidding me.

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm here to punch LadyKiller
in his fat face.

I'm sorry. Can we start over?
I was on "Photo".

Go ahead. Any time.

_

You're pathetic.

I crushed you in the closet game,

and I'm crushing it on the Internet.

Put that rat down, and I'll
crush you on your porch.

Like that is gonna be any more
painful than your stupid rant,

"When did restaurants get so loud?"

I should have known it was you --

all those typos
from your stubby fingers.

Watch it. I got my mother's hands.

You also have your mother's mustache.

Hold this! Hold this.

That went on for a good 20 seconds.

Why do we keep doing this?!

Who knows?

Isn't it obvious?

You two need each other.
It's what drives you.

The kid is right.

Beating you is half the reason
I get out of bed.

Locking horns.

We made each other better
than I ever thought we could be.

Pushed each other to greatness.

We touched the sky.

We're talking about closets here, right?

Oh, I'm sorry -- You mean the sanctuary

where a man dons his armor
in the morning

and takes stock of the battle at night?!

The one thing we all have in common --

presidents to postmen,
tycoons to teachers,

from sea to shining sea!

This is taking a weird turn.

We did kind of bring out the
best in each other, didn't we?

Why did you have to retire, Pritchett?

I miss the fire.

I guess I miss it, too.

All right, here's something.

What if we do the show together?

What? No!

I'm not gonna let you
glom onto my new hit show!

43 views.

We could do like a --
like a point/counterpoint

kind of thing.

Like I would say something like, uh...

"Let's get rid of pennies,"
and you would say...

Of course we should get rid of pennies!

They're annoying to own

and make you feel bad
when you throw them out.

All right, what -- what if
I said, "I miss milkmen"?

Who doesn't miss milkmen?

The glass bottle, little bow tie.

What am I, an idiot?
I don't miss milkmen?

Okay, well, then you think of something!

I'm not the one auditioning.

Okay.

Here's something that represents
my unique brand of thinking.

When I fly, I like luggage fees.

Me too.

Why should us carry-on folk
have to foot the bill

for those morons
who don't know how to pack?!

Three weeks,
I went from Edinburgh to Warsaw

on two pairs of pants
and a tam-o'-shanter.

I'm falling asleep.

I love naps! Who doesn't?

This is ridiculous!

The irony that, despite you two
being mortal enemies,

it appears you agree on everything?

No!

It's that this jackass thinks

he can actually bring
something new to "Jay Talking".

Come on! We would be magic!

You already stole one company from me.

You're not getting this.

Okay, fine!

I will start my own show.

I'll call it...
"Earls of Wisdom".

Can't wait.

I'll see you in the comments section.

I'll just turn the comments off.

You can do that? Yeah.

Then why am I here?!

Really, you don't have to do this.

If I don't drive you to get your keys,

how are you gonna get your car?

Well, thank you.

This is me right here.

Not here. Not here. Two down.

Oh, there's a stomach cramp.

Much better. Uh, right here.

With the mailbox
that says "Porterfields"?

Yep. It is a joke that we play
with the mailman. Long story.

I will be right back.

Hello?

Hey, Claire? It's Ra.

Oh. Hi.

The readout said "Ira Burnbaum".

Yeah. Uh, "Ra" is short for "Ira".

Anyway, I was wondering
if you wanted to get together,

maybe grab a shower and a movie?

No. No.

Oh, I am -- Mm.

Ira, I'm a married woman.
That's not gonna happen.

Wow. I didn't pick up that
energy when I was planking you.

Mm.

Aaah! Ohh!

Phil! What are you doing home?

I lost my car keys.
Who were you talking to?

Nobody.
Why are your pants ripped?
No reason.

Here they are. See you later!

Hey! There you are.

Off we go.

Phil, why didn't you show me this house?

It has everything I want.

I forgot it was for sale.

You're the agent.

Oh. I remember -- It's built cheap.

It...looks pretty solid to me.

Well, it's mostly held up by beehives.

Let's go. Phil, what is going on?

Nothing. Just trying to keep you
away from all that asbestos.

Do you not want me as a neighbor?

Okay.

I-I can't do this anymore. No more lies.

It is related to that.

Wow.

I did not peg you for a racist.

Wait. No, no, no, no, no!

Wait, wait, wait. Angie --

It's always the last people you think.

We're done. Goodbye, Phil.

No, Angie! That's not it!

I lied to my wife

because she knows I have a thing
for black women!

Oh, really?

Hey, there!

So, that was Angie O'Hara?

Okay.

Full disclosure...

Mm-hmm.

...I did lie. Mm-hmm.

But only because she's beautiful
and you get a little crazy.

Why the hell did I say that?!

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's okay.

You're being so understanding.
It's so unlike you.

Are you secretly mad?

Are you lulling me
into a false sense of security?

Are you gonna do something to me
while I'm asleep?

Phil, you know what really gets my goat?

That you lied.

Guess men are men.

I don't know why
I expected anything more.

Hello?

I want to apologize. You were right.

It did bother me that
Ra gave you all the attention.

He's an attractive man,
and you're a very sexy woman.

Of course he put his hands all over you.

What?! Ra?

It's Phil.

Oh.

B-Bye-bye!

Claire...

You know what really gets my goat?

Okay, Lily. Let's do this.

Can we just please give this a rest

until you're fully recovered?

No. Mitchell, we're in too deep.

I have a broken arm,
and I can't remember

any of my grade-school teachers' names.

Yeah, you've mentioned that
four times now.

Have I really? Yeah.

All right. Uh, Lily,
let's -- let's get on the bike.

Carefully. Carefully. Yep.

One leg at a time over.

Feet on the pedals. Perfect.

And then we start pedaling.

Mitchell, we start pedaling.

Good. Now let go.

Don't let go! Okay.

Mitchell, let go.

I'm not ready. She's not ready!

Mitchell, sidebar, please.

Okay. Okay. Stopping.

Just put your feet down. Be right back.

What's wrong, Lily? Don't you
know how to ride a bike?

Yeah, Sydney. I'm just
showing him how to teach a kid.

Okay, I'm dragging my feet
because I have a brain injury.

Why are you dragging yours, again?

Because I don't want her to get hurt!

No, see, it's not
the worst thing in the world

that she's actually
starting to be cautious.

She used to fly off of bookcases
and jump off of swing sets,

and now she's trying to protect herself.

And what kind of life is she gonna have

if she's scared of everything?

A life where I don't
have to worry about her.

Ohh. I get it.

So you're the one that's afraid.

It's dangerous out there.

T-There's so much weird stuff
going on in the world,

and I just... I want her to be safe.

I guess we can wait
a couple weeks if she wants to.

Lily, it's --

Lily?

Lily?!

Cam, look!

Oh, my gosh! That's so great!

God, I hope so.

Ohh, everything's gonna be okay.

Yeah.

Miss Tweeddale -- fourth grade.

Mr. Kleezak!
Mr. Lundgren!

I'm back!

Ow! Oh, my God. I tol--

_

Angie, thank you so much for meeting me.

This is my wife, Claire. Hi.

You need to know that my husband

is the furthest thing from a racist.

I love black women.

Maybe a little too much.

So, I told her that you were white,

which is the only reason

I didn't want you
living across the street.

I didn't want her to find out
that I was lying.

Is that true?

Sadly, yes.

Well, I am relieved.

Although it is a little offensive

to be reduced to a type.

Of course. I'm sorry.

Hey, babe. Everything okay?

Uh, yeah. Everything's fine.

It's just a big misunderstanding.

Uh, this is Phil.

Hi. Hi.

And his wife, Claire.

Hi.

Wow. Hello.

Yeah, apology accepted.

I'm on fire.