Modern Family (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 17 - Express Yourself - full transcript

Pameron Tucker, you outdid yourself

on these biscuits and gravy.

They are so tasty, they make
you want to slap your mama.

Am I right, Mitchell?
Sure. If that's a thing, why not?

Bless your hearts.

I'm fuller than a dog tick.

Hey, just because they do it...

It's the least I could do,

Since you'uns opened your home to me

For I don't know how many weeks now.

Three.



I just don't get it.

How could he leave me? I know.

I'm pretty.

There's nothing I won't
let him do in the b-e-d.

Hey, sweetheart, you're such
a big eater, aren't ya, huh?

I can't believe I got left.

Left!

So, Pam got left.

Her husband, bo,
took off with half their stuff

when she was out rounding up
dazed piglets after a twister.

I'm not kidding.

I insisted she stay with us

so I could help build up
her confidence again.

Pam's self-worth has always been
tied to the attention of men.



Which, you know, maybe isn't the
best thing for Lily to witness.

What are you talking about? N-nothing.

I'm probably just imagining it.

I'm not imagining it.

It could be him!

That could be him, you guys!
It could be him!

Get!

That could be him! It could be him!

It's not him.

# Modern Family 7x17 #
Express Yourself
Original Air Date on March 23, 2016

Wow, this is more reading than I did

in my three years at a two-year college.

I'm thinking chili dog,

Just like pops --
may he rest in peace --

Bought me at my first baseball game.

May I be frank?

We have a wiener.

Oh, that's so weirdly sweet.

And it's so cute
how your hair never moves.

It's like a Lego. Mm-hmm.

Hey, I know you!

Coachella, dancing on top of my van.

No, I just have one
of those faces that --

It's Haley, right?

Haley, would you like to introduce us?

Um, okay.

Andy, my boyfriend, this is...

Tom. Tom.

Tomtom.

Is that cherokee?

Uh...

I should --

Bye.

I'm sorry.

Hey, I know that you're
a little wilder than I am.

It's one of the reasons
I fell for you. It's exciting.

You don't have to say that.

No, I mean it.

You know what? Let's forget
about dinner and a movie.

Let's do what wild Haley
would do instead.

Honestly, I've been kind of ready

For wild Haley to chuck
her party pumps in the trash.

Or give them to charity,
blah, blah, blah -- whatever.

But if that's one of the things
that andy liked about me,

I wasn't gonna shut it down.

Okay, well, we can start

at this western place
where I know the bartender.

If you hang back, I can get us
free drinks all night.

It won't look weird, you ordering
two drinks every time you go up?

No.

Then let's turn this mother out.

I got pretty lucky

pulling that expression out of my fanny.

I'm not usually so quick
with party talk,

But I've always had this fear

that Haley would think
I couldn't keep up with her,

so I just tried to survive the night

And not barf on my
dad's old church shirt.

Claire?

Claire?

Claire?

Can we watch the movie now?

Honey?

Answer him!

Honey, please. I just have
to approve this proposal.

I've been working on it all week.

Oh...my...God.

That's right.
Sun never sets on mama's empire.

No, remember the travel
app we signed up for

that gives you the last-minute deals?

Huh?

Three nights in Paris,
first-class airfare,

four-star hotel for basically nothing.

The flight leaves at noon tomorrow.

We have five minutes to answer.

Wait. You're not seriously
considering this, are you?

It's kind of the deal of the century.

Plus, we'd only miss one day of work.

Haley's with Andy.
Luke's on a ski trip.

I don't matter.

Oh, sweetie, by the time we got there,

we would be so messed up
on the time change,

we would just wander around
in, like, a nauseous fog.

Or you could just force yourselves

to stay up all night tonight,

then sleep on the plane tomorrow,

and then when you land in Paris,

your morning will be Paris' morning.

There we go!

Lucky for us, the smart one's home.

It's such a sweet idea,

but I am so tired from work this week.

What is more energizing
than springtime in Paris?

Baguettes baking, mimes miming,
skunks in love.

This is what life is.

C'est la vie, right? Nope.

Joie de vivre.

Better.

Look, someday,
watching movies on the couch

is the only thing we'll be able to do,

but right now, let's fire a warning shot

Right through father time's beard

and spend a weekend in the eternal city.

Rome.

Emerald city.

Seattle or Oz.

She knows where I mean,
and the clock's running!

You really want to do this, don't you?

We'd be back Tuesday
with the story of a lifetime.

Press the orange square.

Pressez-vous le square orange.

Yeah! We're doing it! Aah!

Sorry, sleep! You'll have to wait!

We're setting our watches to Paris time,

Which is...

nine hours ahead.

Okay. Okay, it's 9:30 right now...

Oh, my god! 6:30.

6:30. Oh.

How long's it take
to get the makeup off?

I got out of Saigon faster.

You like what walks out
the door every morning,

so don't complain about the process.

I got a floor sander in the garage

if it'll open up the bathroom sooner.

Aw, feeling a little put-out, Jay?

It's my bathroom, remember?

Manny, there's no pimple there.

It's the underground kind.
I can feel my heartbeat in it.

I retired. I needed a little project.

So I decided to redo our master bathroom.

Yeah, if only someone had told you

that it was going to be
harder and longer

than it looked on Youtube.

Oh, wait!

If you just followed
the simple bathroom schedule

I posted in two places
in english and spanish...

Yes, who does that?

Who puts a schedule up for their family?

Uh, don't go in there.

I need to get my vanishing cream.
I can't find it.

Must've worked.

So funny, I forgot to --

What happened to the shower?!

It was finished!

I started over.
I wasn't loving the grout.

This is gonna take
at least one more week.

Don't upset yourself.

No, you are upsetting myself!

And you're gonna go
and sleep on the couch.

Are you serious?

Fine.

What are you doing?

That's fresh tar in there.

You really want to smell
that all night long?

I get to make one decision
about this bathroom.

The door stays open!

Fine.

Um, in all the bathroom confusion,

instead of my multivitamin,

I may have taken a birth-control pill.

I think you'll be fine.

And anyways, for sure
I won't be needing one tonight!

It may be the pill,

But I'm feeling
a little attacked right now.

_

Mm.

Did you drink that while
it was still on fire?

It's an old habit.

It's how I used to eat my marshmallows.

I love this guy.

And you're so pretty.

It's really good meeting you two.

Haley, I'll give you 20 bucks
to make out with Bianca.

20 bucks?

So, Bianca's a smoker. Didn't love that.

Or the wandering hands.

But it's all a part of
the wild Haley experience.

Aaaaaaah!

Yeah!

Ohhhh, god!

Ohhhhh, no!

Oh!

12 seconds! Not bad!

And it was so fun.

That's why I was screaming.

Wow, what a night, huh?

Sucks it's so late.

Not where we're going.

I know that look -- Vegas!

Come on! You in?

Turtle-y!

I love this idea.

Me too! I was scared we were done.

Let's go.

Oh!

Oh! Oh! That's some tender meats.

Ow. Aah.

I can't sleep when I'm angry.
Never could.

And there's something very
wrong with people who can.

What are you doing sending
e-mails this time of night?

Really?

You want some company?

Gloria's just adjusting
to me being around more.

We're on top of each other --
and not in a good way.

Oh, fun. I was hoping
your sex life would come up.

Look, dad, remodels are tense.

Half the divorces I do
start with a remodel.

Or an underwear model.

Can I get you anything?

You know what a reuben is? Yes.

No, you don't.

This is a reuben.

You grill the bread and
the corned beef separately.

Now, I said "corned beef".

There's no vodka in a martini.

There's no pastrami in a reuben.

You put 'em together.

Then you have kraut, swiss, russian.

Axis, neutral, ally.

That's how you remember.

Got it. Roderigo! Number siete!

What's with people today?

Yeah, it's totally people.

Look, dad, you get so worked up.

You should try doing
this thing that I'm doing

Where I just decide
not to let things bother me.

Really? Yep.

That's why you're here alone
in the middle of the night?

It's just a little hard to get
work done at my house right now.

So, once a year, some sort of
pollen is released into the air,

and for two weeks, Cam has
allergy-induced sleep apnea

and has to use an apparatus
in order to help him breathe.

Is it hideous?

Is what hideous?

I barely even noticed it.

What's challenging is,
Pam has the same condition.

I thought that maybe I could focus

if I could get those
contraptions in sync.

Why did you plug it back in?

Charming.

No, unlike you, I didn't engage,
and I avoided a fight.

So all is well on my side of the street.

Mitchell, there's a pile
of little orange hairs

On your keyboard.

You're picking your eyebrows again.

Like you did when I put
you in little league.

Okay, I am a little stressed.

But it's just 'cause I'm --
I'm buried under work.

And Cam's sister is the
worst influence on Lily.

But I-I can't yell at her
because she's a sopping mess.

So, you know,
who am I supposed to yell at?

My husband, who needs
a machine to breathe?

Well, you better find yourself an outlet.

That's why I have scotch
and golf and cigars.

Otherwise, I'd be a raging jackass.

We're out of rye. Then bake some!

Can you please not yell at the
woman who's bringing us our food?

I -- our food -- stop that.
That's gross!

It's like a fox ran across the table.

We're out of here.

No, I have work to do.

No, you got to blow off some steam.

O-okay, this sounds
a lot like little league.

We better not be going
to a batting cage.

You do not want to put a bat
in my hands right now.

Like you could hit me.

Let's go.

Ba-ba-ba!

Out of that trance!
We're going to France!

I can yawn. It's 2:30 in the morning.

Mais non, mademoiselle!
It's 11:30 in the morning.

Mm.

Thanks for doing these.

Yeah.

Did I mention that -- yes, you did --

that if you wear your
sweatpants low enough,

tonight, I will see London,
I will see France,

and then, yes,
I will see your underpants.

Phil!

You're asleep!

Oh, no, no, no!

It's fine. We can take a nap.

Europeans are always napping.

Actually, that's the
worst thing you can do.

She's right, Claire. Get up.

Why are you still awake?

I'm too excited to sleep.

I'm studying big bang nucleosynthesis --

Well, more specifically

the total baryonic matter
in the universe.

Let's go back.

Dark matter and dark energy

make up 95% of all
of the matter in the --

No! Go away! Stop!

We needed help.

Coffee.

This did it. This is all we needed.

You want to rub my feet?
If you rub mine.

Phil!

The feet! Why'd we do the feet?!

Second tip -- stay active.

You're asleep!

Finally, we found something that worked.

For me.

No! What the hell?!

Aah! Oh, my nana!

Hey.

What do you say we take a walk
and get something to eat?

It's french lunchtime.

Sure. It's worth a shot.

Got to do something first.

Aah! Why?!

Why would you do that?!

All I'm saying is,

if you're lucky enough
to get this boy Ryan you like,

you hold on with both hands.

'Cause once he's gone, you're nothing.

Okay, you don't really mean that.

I don't know what I mean.

I'm just a woman
running her fool mouth off.

Okay, not exactly the
message of empowerment

we'd like to impart to
our 21st-century daughter.

What's a Demerol shooter?

Okay, you know what?
Let's keep our voices down.

We don't want anyone woken up
and proven correct.

Give me that.

One more drag! No. Stop.

What's the worst it's gonna do? Kill me?

Stop...it!

Hey, I rolled that!

Mama!

Mama!

Mama!

What?!

Ay. Sorry, sorry. It's you, papi.

What's wrong?

Can you please deal with Joe?

And also get a therapist?

Mama!

Mama! But...

That is not coming from his bedroom.

Mama!

Oh, no!

I wanted a glass of water,
and I got stuck.

_

Damn it!

Why didn't I close that door
so you didn't get stuck

like Manny's gerbil in the glue trap?!

But you said he ran away.

Yes, most of him did.

Take off your slippers.

Oh, yeah, good idea. Don't want
anything bad to happen to them.

Okay.

Wait! What are you doing?!

Are you crazy?!
They're florentine leather!

Ay, Manny, that's what we just told you.

We got them in Chinatown.

Okay, little Joe.

Let's get you out of there.

Okay, come on!

Okay. Ay.

Now we're gonna burn these pajamas

With the towel and the slippers.

Burn them?

It's in my hair, too.

Okay. I will cut it.

Go. Grab some scissors
and run them back to mama.

I'll get the scissors, Joe!

I didn't even want him, and I'm
the only one keeping him alive.

Okay, I just have to smooth this out

So that Jay doesn't notice anything.

You're really going through a lot
of trouble to hide this from him.

You just don't understand.

This is the first time in a fight

That I was 100% right
and Jay was 100% wrong.

That never happens.

And being right is so important?

Get married and then get back to me.

Ay, no! This is stuck! Come help me!

Push!

Oh, no! My birthday Rolex!

Ay, Manny.

We'll take the check, please.

No!

Oh.

Thank you so much.

I want to go to sleep so bad, Phil.

Oh.

Maybe this will keep you awake.

Our house cannot be this far.

We've been walking for...

We've passed this mattress already.

Claire.

It's fate.

God wants me to sleep.

Fight it! Fight it, Claire!

Let me go!

No! No! We're so close!

I can't let you quit!

Oh, God. I'm not gonna go to
sleep on some filthy mattress.

Okay.

For long.

No. No!

No, no. I'm sorry.

I'm so tired from work already.

I won't be any fun in Paris.

You should go.

Meet someone. I don't care.

I just can't do it. I'm sorry.

You know what?

Let's not.

I shouldn't have pushed you.

I know I said all that stuff
about not wanting to get old,

but...

I think I really wanted
to go because I miss you.

Ohhhh.

Because I've been working so much?

Yeah, which is great.
I-I really want that for you.

I-I think I...

I just wanted a little adventure.

But you know what?

We've had so much fun tonight.

When was the last time

I got to stay up until 5:00
in the morning with you?

Give me that hand.

What for?

Oh! That's to wake me up.

Wow. And that is for ever forgetting

that you are the best husband.

Mmmmm. Mmmm.

Oh. What's that for?

For whatever's crawling all over me!

Oh, no! They're on me, too!

$40 for the hour. Songs are in the book.

Anyone want a cocktail?

You know how to make a Manhattan? Yes.

No, you don't. The only Manhattan --

He's got it, dad.

Thank you. Thanks.

So, a karaoke bar, huh?

You know, it's a little
offensive that you think

singing a pop song
is gonna solve my problems.

How gay do you think I am?

Mitchell!

Madonna!

Oh! Yeah. Okay.

Well, come on!

You used to dance and sing
Madonna in the living room.

Fixed you right up.

Ah, I'm not surprised.

You think I haven't changed
at all in 25 years.

If you were surprised,
I wouldn't know it,

since you've plucked out
all your eyebrows.

Madonna, Mitchell.

News flash -- I am not singing.

News flash -- yes, you are!

Ooh. You know what, dad?

You have been really bossy tonight.

With me, with that waitress.

I-I bet that's why you and
Gloria are having problems.

Yeah.

You miss bossing people around at work,

so now you're doing it at home.

If I admitted there was
some truth in that,

could you just give in?

You've been grinding around
like Lola Falana.

I don't know why this
is so important to you.

Can you just let me help you?!

Okay, I'm doing this,

but only because you need it so much.

Come on, girls!

Do you believe in love?

'Cause I got something to say about it.

And it goes something like this.

# don't go for second best, baby #

# put your love to the test #

# you know, you know... #

Watching Mitchell,
I did feel kind of good

about fixing his problem.

Now, being retired, you don't
always feel useful anymore.

It's probably why I keep
tearing up that bathroom.

I guess it wouldn't be the worst
thing to admit to Gloria.

Eh, it'll probably blow over.

# express yourself #

Damn it.

# express yourself #

# hey, hey, hey, hey #

I knew you'd be up, tossing and turning.

Yes, yes.

Why are you calling from the couch?

Not home. Long story.

Look, let me get this out.

I have been going crazy
with the bathroom,

but it's not really about the bathroom.

It's about me not being
sure who I am anymore.

You were 100% right.

I love to hear that, but --

No, you were.

Okay. No rush getting home.

We're fine here.

Please, please, please, please,
please, please! Come on, black!

18 red.

18 red.

So close.

Gambling is the best!

Yeah.

You hand your hard-earned
money to strangers

and pray it comes back.

I know I've had a lot to drink,

but that is not Bianca anymore, is it?

Nope.

I don't want to believe
Clint sold her...

You guys want to get really crazy?

People know where I am.

All-in on one number.

Okay, I guess that's no scarier

than when that glow-stick
broke in my mouth.

Do it.

Andy, that's, like, a month's rent.

Hey, you got to go big or --

Wait -- the black ones aren't $1s?

Really? Okay, could I just --

Sorry, sir. The ball's rolling.

Oh, my gosh.

Andy, what is happening with you?

Why are you doing this?

What are you talking about?
I thought you loved wild Andy.

No, no.

I love normal Andy,

Tomato-soup-and-grilled-cheese Andy.

Still-in-bed-by-11:00 Andy.

Uses-the-word-"tummy" Andy.

Really? Because I've been
doing this whole thing

because I was afraid
you'd get bored and dump me

if I couldn't keep up.

I know you can't keep up.
But I'd rather slow down.

I like the me I am when I'm with you.

Well, I wish you would have
told me that about a minute ago.

Aah! I can't watch!

The stress is murder on my tummy.

Aunt Pam's leaving.

Pameron Jessica Tucker,
where do you think you're going?

Home -- to get down on my knees
and beg bo to come back.

I'm just gonna lie
and tell him I'm pregnant.

No, that is not how mature
people handle their problems.

I will fight you.

You are not going to
crawl back to that man.

You don't have a choice.
You know I can take you.

Oh, yeah, right.

Ooh!

Pameron -- no! Ow! Oh!

Okay, you know what?

You are going to regret that!

Ungh!

Oh, now you poked the bear!

Well, come on, mama bear!

I'm coming!

It's all my fault anyway!

I pushed him away! Aah! Oh!

Because I never listened!

You really want Lily
to think women are weak?!

Get off my daddy!

You're acting this crazy
all over a boy?!

Oh, Lily, I'm so happy
to hear you say that!

Now, pull aunt Pameron's bra strap!

Oh. Okay. So we moved the couch.

Where were you?

I, uh, I had some work to do.

Me too. Get my man back.

Okay. Okay. All right.

As much as I'd love to leave this alone,

I learned something tonight

That I feel like I-I
need to share with you.

You deserve the best in life.

So if the time isn't right,
then...move on.

Second best, it's...

It's never enough.

You'll do much better,
baby, on your own.

Baby.

On your own.

Ohhh.

My God.

You're right.

Yeah.

Don't go for second best.

Put your love --

It's okay. I fixed her.

Madonna fixed her.

_

Don't worry. We've got this.

Take all the time you need.

I'm only finishing a 12-hour shift.

Do you got a nickel
or a dime or anything?

I don't.

Sorry, but...

You're gonna have to make change.

What?!

My mom and dad are going to Paris.

Okay, children informed,
passports secured,

luggage packed.

Oh. What am I forgetting?

Oh, yeah.

Au revoir, Alex!

Next stop -- Paradise City!

Guns'n'roses.