Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 4 - Marco Polo - full transcript

Oh!
Not so bad.

Better than it looks
on the outside.

Oh, drop the cool girl act,
it's perfect!

So, it turns out
our house has mold --

Which is not a reflection
on this excellent homemaker.

Anyway, we have
to vacate the house

while it's being treated.

I got us the last room
at a hotel nearby.

I was a little concerned
about the five of us

sharing a room,
but for one night,

I don't know, could be fun.



- Watch it!
- Look out!

Haley, I need the Wi-Fi corner.
Get down.

Ugh, I need Instagram

to know there's still
beauty in the world!

Luke, you'll set off the dogs!

Look what I got
from the vending machine

in the lobby --
a Charleston chew.

Remember these?

Can someone please
tell the Nigerian family

to shut their dogs up?!

Check it out!
According to this wrapper,

we can win tickets
to the 2005 All-Star game!

I think I'm most excited
about the night.

- It's gonna be like camping.
- Yeah.



Okay, does anybody else
need to use the bathroom?

No.

Great. Oh, finally.

I forgot my night guard.

Sorry, mom.

What am I thinking?
This isn't my book.

- Great --
- Now that we talked about it,

I need to use
the bathroom again.

What is the point
of a last call...

Coming through!

...if you guys are just
gonna do whatever -

someone else sleep
in the tub tonight. Like Haley.

Okay, now that we're all here,
can we just --

No!

It's that stupid train.

It's gonna wake up
those stupid dogs.

They're gonna start
their stupid barking and --

they didn't hear it.

Quiet, everybody.
No "good nights."

Son of a gun.
Ray Chapman just died.

I know!

He used to give me
the best bonings.

You're thinking of our butcher --
Ray Eastman.

I hope.

No, Chapman was a Navy buddy.

I always meant to write to him.

Oh, Jay, that's so sad.

I hated his guts.

It's like they say --
you cannot put these things off.

Thanks God Manny's here.

I always get so nervous

when he goes out
with that older boy, Sam.

I guess I could try
texting the widow.

They always stay
in the driveway like that.

What are they doing?

Jay, go look.

Gloria, can't you do it?

No, I can't do it
because you know

that he always say
that I am nosey.

And Manny's been acting
very suspicious lately

I think that that older boy's
a bad influence on him.

Can you see?

Looks like he's driving a Mustang.

Pretty sweet one, too.

- What the hell?
- What?

They're kissing.

Sam's a girl.

That gets the bigger reaction?

Manny has a girlfriend,
and he has not told me?

Here he comes,

and let's not ambush him
with a bunch of questions.

- No. - He's probably gonna
want to play this pretty cool.

Oh, hey, guys.

Well, heading up.

No, wait!

How was your night?

Oh, you know,
just teens being teens.

Anyway, big game tomorrow.
Night.

Manny's first girlfriend
is a senior with a Mustang.

I'd have put my money
on a sophomore with a mustache.

You've been sawing

at that chicken fried steak
for 10 minutes.

Just order something else.

Mitchell, it's game day.

I can't. It's my lucky meal.

Oh, God. Here we go.

Well, that's attractive.

You look like a puppy
with a slipper.

Under my leadership,
the varsity football team

is now 5-0 -- new school record,
very exciting.

Cam, I can smell
your hat from over here.

Can I please just
pop it in the laundry?

And wash the luck off?
I've worn it to every game.

See, he knows nothing about sports.

That's why I've given him a pass.

He doesn't have to go to games.

Although -- I-I do --
I hear it's fun.

Three hours on a splintery plank

with parents squealing with delight

as their children maim each other.

He'd know if he came.
The seats are aluminum now.

Okay.

Some pie on the house, Coach.

Oh, and that couple
over there picked up your tab.

Oh! Thank you.

At least I'm getting some perks
out of all this craziness

and -- nope,
they just covered your part.

Lot of pool out there.

How about some Marco Polo?

Nah.

Just like the old days, huh?

No.

Not it!

- Dad!
- Really!

Bunch of complainers out here, huh?

Honey, I'm gonna go for a run,

- and then maybe after
we go for a swim. - Okay.

What's that?

It's a body spray
called sex grenade.

One of the divorced dads
in the hotel recommended it.

That smell is driving me crazy.

Then it's working.

What the hell? It's stuck.

No!

Get away from us!

There's nowhere else to go!

I can't breathe!

Open the door!

There's an actual maid service
at this hotel?!

Dad, no!

It's empty.

We're okay, guys.

I'm gonna toss this.

When something
like that happens,

it makes you think, huh?

- Luke!
- Seriously?!

Claire?

Nope.

I mean, what am I doing?

I am totally at the wrong room.

- Are you?
- I'm sorry, Phil.

It's not what it looks like.

Rumpled bed, wine...

...bra.

I knew it!

You've been sleeping by yourself.

How could you?

I am so sorry.
I just couldn't take it anymore,

and I needed a place where --
what is that smell?

Betrayal.

Family meeting in the living room.

- Aren't we already in --
- In the living room!

There's no easy way to say this.

Your mother's leaving us.

She's found another room
that makes her happy.

I don't understand.

It's not your fault.

Okay, look,
I needed a little space,

and there was a room
that opened up down the hall --

then one thing led to another.

Spare us, Claire.

So, wait. Mom's staying
in that other room?

You can visit her
on the weekends.

Aren't we here
for just one more day?

I knew you'd be
the one to lash out.

If mom is staying
in an empty room,

why can't some of us
stay with her?

You happy, Claire?

You're breaking up the family.

No, guys, your father is right.

This is my fault.

I should go back to my room

and just think about
what I've done.

Come on.
We hate it here.

I cannot look at that red hair

in the shower drain
one more second.

Look around here, people.
None of us have red hair.

Okay, one of you
has to go with your mom,

so we'll do this
the democratic way.

Whoever pulls the short crust --

- Come on, dad.
- No, I don't want to do that.

Fine!

You all want to go, then go.

Turn your back on your father,

- just spare me the empty apologies
and the crocodile... - Okay.

- Finally.
- ...tears.

I call "no bathtub."

Another good-luck
gift basket, daddy.

Oh, they just let 7-year-olds
sign for these. Okay.

How nice!

Let's see what we've got here.

Eggplant jelly?

What do they send
if they don't like you?

"Go, Coach, go Dolphins!"

I don't know.
It seems a little "go" heavy.

Pink salt?

What is wrong with people?

Okay, I got to skedaddle.

I'll see you guys
after the big game.

All right, then.

- And we're waiting because --
- Forgot my keys.

Yes, you did.
Right over there.

- Every time.
- Yes, every time.

I forgot them on the day
of our first win,

and it's worked ever since.

Now scooch to the left.

I'm not letting you do
the coffee-table thing again.

Mitchell, superstitions
are a big part of sports.

And witchcraft and cults
and voodoo, but --

Hey, look, you know what?

I'm not asking you to like football,

but I like football.

Football was everything
to me growing up.

I was just a big, gay farm kid

until I joined the football team
and I finally fit in.

Now, I don't expect you to like it.

I don't expect you
to come to the games.

But I do expect you to be
5% less condescending.

Now scooch.

Ugh! Okay!

Go, Dolphins!

It's too much --
the car keys, the coffee table,

your roller skate
on the front porch.

I-is there any chocolate
in any of these?

You'll have to scrape it off
this sun-dried tomato.

I suppose on some level,

it's possible that
he might have a point.

I hate sports. I do.

But if you had my dad
and my upbringing...

I mean, have you ever been
picked last for a team, Lily?

Well, at gym the other day,
these mean girls --

I mean, you have no idea,
Lily, the bullying and the teasing.

They put me in the ball bag.

If I am a little dismissive,

it's only because
of my harrowing backstory.

They said if I told,
they would kill you and daddy.

Oh, my God.

I've -- I've been making
this all about myself.

I haven't even been
thinking about Cam.

This is crazy.

Yes, this is crazy.

Who cares if I like football?

Daddy likes football,

and I like daddy, so --
I need to tell him.

I need to tell him I'm gonna
be more supportive,

and I need to --
oh, honey, are you calling him for me?

Yes, I have a complaint.

Can I please talk
to Harry or David?

What's that smell?

I believe you're referring
to my bold new scent --

"Sex Gre-nod."

Is that for Sam,
your friend that is a girl,

but has the name of a boy?

I knew you were spying
on me last night.

Yes, I have a girlfriend.

Let me save you some snooping.

She's smart. She's pretty.
She's a senior.

She's our High School's "it" girl,

and "it" dumped the captain
of the basketball team for me.

So, you're only 15,
and you go out with the senior.

Are you sure you want
to play that game?

Are you?

I just want to --

Mom, you're butting in.

I just want to meet her.

Oh, absolutely not.

It's way too early.

Promise me you'll stay
out of this until I'm ready.

That's as close as you're
gonna get to a "yes."

Okay, I got to go get ready.

Sam's gonna pick me up
for a bite before the game.

Jay, I don't like this.

Eh, it's not my favorite exit of his,

but it beats
the dramatic stage bow.

No, that girl is
too advanced for him.

I don't want her to force him

to do anything that
he doesn't want to.

I think he'll be okay with
whatever she wants to do.

Okay, you go because
I cannot butt in.

Maybe you can talk to her.

Maybe you can put
the fear of God into her!

What, bust her windshield?
Break her pinkie?

I go disconnect
the security camera.

Nice ride.

Thanks.

You know,
Manny's not really used to...

fast cars.

And I don't know
what your intentions are

with this Mustang, but, um,

I suggest you take things
nice and slow.

We clear?

Um, sounds like you really
want me to drive slow.

No, uh, what I think I'm saying is,

hands can do things.

No, uh, hang on.

Young people have urges,
which is only natural.

I also have urges.

Okay.

I mean, the point is, you're 18.

I have my eye on you.

Jay, what are you doing?

Go inside.

No means no!

Run!

Score!

Win!

Yes!

- And with 4 minutes left
in the second quarter... - Yes!

- ...That's Dolphins, 27...
- Yes!

...Badgers, nothing.

All right! What a game!

Our guys were playing like

they come from
a much poorer neighborhood.

You don't think it's funny

that we haven't seen
that girl, Sam,

the one named for a boy?

I mean, it's a big game.

If she was really
his girlfriend, she --

Gloria, be realistic.

What do you want,

her standing in the first row

with a sign saying "Go, Manny"?

- I'm just saying that --
- 'Cause that's what she's doing.

That's her?

She's pretty.

She made that sign for him?

I told you, she's a great girl.

And look -- she used glitter,
for God's sakes.

Jay, I think that
she really likes him. Look.

She looks at him the same way
that I look at him.

So sweet.

And in her case, healthy.

Go, Dolphins!

We're really giving our fans

their money's worth tonight, boys.

He came.

He's at the 30, at the 20,

the 10, and he's in
for a touchdown.

- Badgers score.
- What?!

We haven't let anyone
run back a kick all year.

What happened?

Run! Tackle!

Try!

Touchdown, Badgers.

What's going on, Coach?

All of a sudden,
everyone's just off.

Yep.

At least Mitchell
finally made it to a game.

Yep.

Focus, defense.

They got two players
hurting us.

It's not that much
to keep track of!

Shoot. Mustard.

I couldn't tell Manny
because it would kill him,

and I couldn't tell Gloria
because she would kill me.

Hell of a way
to ruin a nice hot dog.

End of the third quarter,
and we're all tied up.

Coach Tucker!

Okay, hey, everybody,
grab a cup of water.

Maybe you could
hold on to those, huh?

How exciting is this, huh?

Oh, you dropped
your little clipboard.

I thought you had
a work dinner tonight.

I did, but I blew them off.

I'd rather be here
supporting the team.

You better go, Dolphins!

Yeah, love that, but, you know,
the game's almost over.

You might want
to beat traffic, so...

I thought you'd be happy
that I was here.

Why do I feel like you're
trying to get rid of me?

I have no idea.
It's not because you're a jinx.

A jinx?
Do you think I'm a jinx?

No! No, no, no, no, no.

This all can't be on you.

I'm hearing a lot of things

that sound like the opposite
of what you're --

Hey, Coach! We need a play.

And Malcolm just
got stung by a bee.

I got to go.
A bee?!

Okay, get some baking soda.

Hey, do you guys know
where the bar is?

You're here, my friend.

What are you in the mood for?

Well, I'd like my wife
and kids back,

but I'd take a chardonnay.

Ah, I thought you had
that look about you.

I'm Lester. This is Carl.

- Hey, Carl.
- Hey.

I know it hurts now, but, uh,

being a man-about-town,

on your own, has its perks.

This is on me.

- Ah.
- So, who left who?

She did.

She said she needed some space,

got her own place,
and took the kids.

Chin up, my friend.

Adventure awaits.

Carl, could you swipe me?

Nacho machine ate my card.

Phil.

Hey, Ayoola.
This is my neighbor here.

- Pool?
- Oh, no, thanks.

- I don't think I'd be much fun right now.
- Okay.

Phil, buddy,

you get an offer like that,
you got to jump on it,

even if it's just a one-time thing.

I don't know --
she's nice, her kids seem great,

but I don't even
speak her language.

Who said anything
about speaking?

I think you guys
have got the wrong idea.

My wife's getting back tomorrow.

- Oh, of course she is, champ.
- Oh.

Uh, I'm just saying,
life is short,

and why deny yourself
a little innocent fun?

Your wife certainly hasn't.

I'm not sure I'm up for it.

Okay, but don't wait too long
to start living life, Phil.

Thanks, guys.

You know when
you don't think about

who was in there before you,

a hotel bath can be
really quite relaxing.

Do you know if Alex got my text?

Your swipe-card wine.

Thank you.

Hey, so, I was talking

to those sad guys
that are in the lobby,

and they said the hotel's
been half-empty all week.

Half-full, honey.

Be positive for once in your life.

Okay, not quite
the point I was making.

I want to hear your point,
but right now,

this magic juice
is gonna help mama

turn that bathtub
into a swim-up bar.

I'm just saying
we could have been

- in two hotel rooms this entire time.
- Okay.

Wait.

So, dad put us
through hell for nothing?

Do you guys hear that?

The sound of my hero
falling off his pedestal?

Uh, no.

The sound of your hero

playing with the
Nigerians in the pool.

Okay, so, when I say "Marco" --

- Hi, Marco.
- No, no, I'm Phil.

I'm gonna say "Marco"
and then --

Hi, Phil.

Let's take it from the top.

I'm gonna close my eyes.

No, no, not -- not you, Ayoola.

You keep your eyes open.

Can you open -- Marco!

No, uh, Iyapo,
can you stay in the pool?

- That way, when I say "Marco" --
- Hi, Marco.

Come on.

He has a room to himself,
and that's what he's doing?

How surprised should we be?

I mean, he's basically
a hyperactive toddler

that just wants
to play all the time.

Yeah.

Although it's really more about

wanting to spend time with us.

It's kind of all dad ever wants.

That's true.

He's, like, obsessed with us.

Do you think he lied about
the hotel being booked

just so we'd all have
to spend time together?

And we totally ditched him.

Even after he jumped
on that sex grenade for us.

Butterfingers.
I spilled my wine in the tub.

Would you mind, sweetie?

What?

Only 6 seconds left.

The Dolphins still down by 3.

40 short yards, 6 long seconds.

We've got this.
On three, "go, Dolphins."

- Two, three...
- Go, Dolphins!

All right, Manny,
this is a real hail Mary.

Win or lose, I still
have a hot girlfriend.

Dolphins come to the line.

There's the snap.

Tommy park back to pass.

- He looks downfield.
- Hit it.

- Hit it! Hit it!
- He's got a receiver.

Touchdown, Dolphins!

We won!
Mitchell, we won!

Oh, no!

- Hello?
- Mitchell, we won!

And I looked back,
and you weren't there!

Please don't be mad at me.

I'm on the fence.

I don't blame you.

I feel stupid for making you think
this was all your fault.

No! I'm on the fence.

Look to your right.

I was trying to leave,

and then I got stuck
on this fence with --

my -- my pant leg is --

What were you thinking?

We both know
you're not a good climber.

Well, I know that.

There's a parking lot
right over there.

I'm parked over here.

Sit right -- sit right -- sit right there.

Sit right there.

- Okay, okay, put me down.
- Two, three.

You don't have to throw me.

Look, I -- I get why
you don't want me here.

I-I know there's
no such thing as bad luck,

but there --
there is bad energy,

and I bring a lot of that
to your whole sports world.

And that's -- that's because
of my own history with it

and you deserve better.

I couldn't do better.
You know what?

Why can't we look at sports
like one of those friends

that one of us likes
and the other doesn't?

Sports can be like your mom.

You know, actually,
I-I didn't hate this.

- Oh, shut up.
- No, I didn't.

I-I was kind of getting into
the whole football culture.

There is an elegance
that this has --

No!

No! This is vicuna!

You neanderthals!

Hey!
Great game, champ.

Thanks.

You okay?

Yeah, just a little tired.

It was a big day.
Good night.

Night, kid.

Hey, wait a second.

Your team just won six straight.

Let's celebrate
with a little scotch.

You're old enough
for your first sip.

She dumped me, Jay.

Okay, we're gonna do this.

She was just using me to make
her old boyfriend jealous.

Now they're back together.

Don't tell mom, okay?

I had a sense she didn't like Sam.

Really? She didn't say anything.

My first girlfriend.

She was perfect.

Eh, a little wide in the can.

- Jay.
- I'm sorry. Just...

You ask me, you're lucky.

She dumped me by text

while making out
with her old boyfriend.

I broke down crying.
My charcoal ran like mascara.

I had to be comforted
by the other team's mascot.

- Lucky?
- Think about it.

How many guys your age would kill

to be used by a girl like Sam?

She picked you.

She used you.

I was a body, Jay.

Come on. If she had picked
an average guy,

that boyfriend never
would have got jealous.

She had to pick a guy
on his level.

Yeah. Maybe.

Oh, I'm not gonna lie to you.

It sucks, and sometimes
it's got to suck for a while.

I just wish I could say
some magic words

or give you a hug --
make it all go away.

Can I still have a sip
of that scotch like you said?

Okay, I just opened a bottle,

a beautiful 18-year-old,
full-bodied.

Sam!

Okay. Okay.

Marco!

Marco!

Polo?

Marco!

Marco!

Polo! Polo! Polo!

Who rings the bell
in the middle of the night?

It is the creepiest thing.

I'm sure it's just, I don't know,

some guy's car broke down
and he wants to use our phone.

Have you ever seen a movie?

Okay, do you remember
how sad I was

when you guys
left the hotel room?

Phil, what is on
the other side of that door?

- Hi, Marco.
- Hey, guys.

It's possible
they misunderstood me

when I said,
"you guys should stop by."

Yeah, "you guys should stop by."

Marco!
Hey!

All right.

What is happening?!

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