Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 3 - The Cold - full transcript

[ Claire coughs ]

[ Nasally ]
Yes, I am still sick.

Yes, I'm going to work
on a Saturday.

No, this is not wine.
It is Dayquil.

With a little bit
of last night's wine.

My stupid brother caught a cold
in Mexico on his honeymoon,

and it's made its way
through the family.

I never get sick.

I-I must've caught a chill on
the beach when my socks got wet.

My ankles burn.

It went to my ears
on our flight home.



I may have moaned a bit.

A crying baby
complained about me.

Cam brought me
this from Mexico,

along with
two weeks of bronchitis.

I don't know which is worse.

It gave me the vertigo.

I was too dizzy for high heels.

I had to wear flats.

I don't know how people can walk
in those things.

I missed the first two days
of culinary camp,

so I was hopelessly behind
on all reductions and meringues.

You can imagine the nicknames.

I thought "amuse-douche"
was particularly cruel.

I threw up
for three straight days.



I don't know how models do it.

Knock 'em dead
at the big meeting today, honey.

- Kiss for good luck?
- Oh, no!

I'm not getting you sick.
This cold stops with me.

Why do you think I swapped
beds with Luke last night?

You did?

Appreciate the back rub.

Not sure I love
being called "Miss Thang."

No!

Jay: Hey, everybody.

Hey, dad --

Noooo.

Mitch and Cam were stuck
for a wedding videographer,

so I hooked them up with
a friend who shoots infomercials.

He kind of owed me.

I can see why you call them
"miracle gloves."

My headache's completely gone.

[ Ding ]

He dropped off the video
for the big viewing party

at Jay and Gloria's tonight,
and I decided to preview it.

- What's wrong?
- Watch.

I'm gonna keep it short 'cause
I got a tee-time in 10 minutes.

[ Laughter ]
Oh, God.

Kind of funny.

My dad died 25 years ago today.

[ Sneezes ]

Ew! Right on the cake.

I know.
Keep watching.

...nice to replace that sad
memory with this happy one.

[ Sneezes ]

Don't tell me
Uncle Mitch drinks it.

Of course he does --
every drop.

May your first marriage
be as good as my second.

To the grooms.

Wait a minute.
I take that back.

To my sons.

Why didn't you
just cover your mouth?

Oh, I finally did.

[ Sneezes ]

Jay: All right.
[ chuckling ] Okay.

You know what this means?
I'm patient zero.

What I thought were allergies

started the cold that brought
the whole family down!

No one can ever know
about this --

not after what happened
in Yosemite.

The pink-eye apocalypse.

- Ooh! A mountain chickadee!
- Where?

Take a look
and send it down the line.

- Where? - Where do you see it?
- I want to see.

- Oh, right there! Right there!
- Right there! - Yeah, yeah.

It took me a whole year
to earn back

the respect and admiration
of my family.

Well...

But it's six hours
to the screening,

and I have to edit out
all those sneezes

without ruining Jay's speech.

That means special effects,

that means
overlapping green screen.

What am I saying?!
It's impossible!

I'm sorry, dad.

No, you're right.

It's time to stop whining
like a little girl and man up!

Let's put on our unitards!

And Manny -- he's been missing
a lot of kicks lately.

He could cost us a game.
I may have to bench him.

A coach has to do
what's best for the team.

Does family loyalty
mean nothing to you, Mitchell?

Not to mention I'd be facing
the wrath of Jay and Gloria.

Well, then you should play him.

And risk our perfect 3-0 record

in my first year
as the varsity football coach,

when this could be
a stepping-stone

to a college job
or who knows what else?

You know, it's basically
a Cinderella story.

Well, at least you have
the outfit for it.

Are you gonna help me or not?

I'm sorry.
Um... Okay.

Well, maybe
what you could do is --

You know what I could do...
is coach.

Mm.

You know, Manny's just in a slump.

You know,
he's lacking confidence.

It's not gonna be easy,
but I could pull this off.

That's what you said
about the Cinderella costume,

and two hours later,
we were calling the auto club.

We're going in the backyard.

To identify insects.

Oh, I love that.

I did that.

Sydney Barrow --
like my Lily, a gifted child,

and, thanks to a little
matchmaking, her new friend.

Yeah, i-it can be challenging

finding playmates
for an exceptional child.

I don't mean to brag, but that's
why I didn't have any friends.

Jay: Yeah, Alan, I'm sending
Claire to meet with you.

I got my kid's game.

Yeah, he's the kicker.
Could all come down to him.

[ Cup rattling ]

Yeah, take it easy.

Don't talk like that.
Look. You're stressing him out.

- You're stressed out?
- A little.

Good! 'Cause stress
is all part of football.

If you're not throwing up
in your mouth,

you're not doing it right.

Ay. Don't pay attention
to Jay, papi.

You're gonna be great.

You're my perfect
little angel boy.

Mwah!

There's still a few hours left
before game time.

I think I'll just go lie down
under my bed for a little while.

You see what you do to him?

He's fine.
Nerves are good.

Just before a playoff game
one time,

I pulled out a whole eyebrow.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hey, Claire.
What's up?

My fever, you orange jackass.

Oh. Okay.

So, obviously,
you have my cold now.

Everybody's first symptom
seems to be hate.

Just pound the liquids,
two days in bed.

You're gonna be fine.

I don't have two days.

As a matter of fact,

- I have to go to a client
meeting right now. - Why?

Because I have a job
and people are counting on me.

Oh. No.
Someone's counting on you.

This is about you and dad
and how you just love

being his toughy-tough
little supergirl

who never stays home sick,

won a tennis tournament

with a broken finger
that she couldn't even hold up.

I'm holding it up now.

Daddy's approval is
not the medicine that you need.

Why don't you just
call him and tell him

that you can't take the meeting,
old toughy-tough-super-tough?

Why are you trying
to turn this into a fight?

I called to yell at you
for getting me sick.

Love you. Bye.

I love you, too.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Chicken, dog.

Oh, so close.

My turn.

Chicken, chicken.

Mm-hmm.

Dog, dog.

Yeah.

Ibex, ibex!

Oh, look at you go!

For far too long, Lily's friends
just haven't challenged her.

It's been this endless procession

of paste-eating,
toilet-missing shoe-losers.

But these two together --
They raise each other's game.

♪ How I wonder what you are ♪

Ohhhhh!

So good, Lily.

I can play,
but I don't really sing.

That's okay. Everybody
can't be good at every--

[ classical music plays ]

Huh.

Daddy, where's my shoe?

Okay, Manny,
take a deep breath.

Picture it going
through the uprights.

Keep it simple --
eyes on the ball, shoulders up,

see your foot hit it,
drive through the ball.

Finish at your target!

[ Grunts ]

Even simpler this time --
kick the ball with your foot.

Great contact on that last one.
This time, aim for the ball.

Okay, this time,
like you mean it.

I'm really sorry.

Okay, Manny, look...

There's no easy way
to tell you this.

Hola, Manny!

But, um...
I, uh, really like the way

you're keeping
your uniform clean.

Color-safe bleach, Coach.

You'll be fine during the game.

Kick it like you kicked
sugary drinks last summer.

Okay.

So, I saw the practice.

Not very good.

I'm so glad you saw that,
because --

he's getting all the bad kicks
out of the way before the game!

He's so good!
Bravo, Manny!

- Go get 'em, Coach.
[ chuckling ] - You too.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, no.

I'd already had
Cam's clogged ears,

my dad's bronchitis,

and then there it was,
right on schedule --

Gloria's vertigo.

Even I have my limits.

[ Cellphone chimes ] Call dad.

Siri: Paul Rudd is an American
film and television actor.

Shut up.

Call... Dad!

Hey, honey.
How you doing?

I'm at the hotel, and I'm
really fighting this cold.

Well, then, that cold
doesn't stand a chance, huh?

Nothing stops my little Supergirl.

Yeah.

- What's up?
- Nothing. I just...

I wanted you to know
that I'm on this, dad.

I never doubted that, honey.

Yeah.

Hey. Hey.
Where's the lounge?

At the far end.

Perfect.

I remember your junior year,

you played so tough
through that tournament.

Uh-huh.

What was that?
Uh... Field hockey.

Rugby.

Right, and, uh,

well, you sprained your ankle.

Could have been
a hairline fracture.

That's even better.

But it didn't stop you.
You rolled right through it.

Yeah.

I was a pretty proud papa
that day.

Okay, stop!

[ Chuckling ]
All right. I'm embarrassing her.

I'll see you tonight, honey.

Bye.

[ Panting ]

[ Rattling ]

Alan.

[ Chuckling ] - Hey, Claire.
- Hey.

- It's been ages.
- Yeah.

I hope you're hungry.

I got us a table

at the Revolving Rooftop
restaurant.

Oh, no.

Claire?

Here I am right before
the cake sneeze.

It looks like
I'm cracking up, right?

So from here, we'll jump to a
green-screen shot of you laughing, too.

Then I'll take that and drop it
into a pre-existing shot

of a table full of people.

Easy!

And we are laughing.

[ Chuckles ]

Bigger.

[ Laughs ]

Like when I do
Yoda walking into a spider web.

[ Laughs loudly ]

Nailed it!

If laughter's the best medicine,

then you're
grape-flavored triaminic.

Okay, now I need some footage
of me reacting to Jay's speech

to replace
the champagne sneeze,

and I'll just drop that into
another table full of people.

How would I react
to Jay's speech?

Give me "touched."

Now sad.

Sadder.

Come on. Dig deep.

Think about me going off to college.

Why are you smiling?

Uh, I-I didn't think you'd get in.

I don't want
to waste a Saturday night

watching some video.

Let's just stay home
and rent a movie.

Okay, two things --
a movie is a video,

and the only reason you don't
want to go to grandpa's

is because you're avoiding Andy.

Avoid? I don't --

I --

I'm not having this conversation.

Oh, please. You've been
dodging him since the wedding.

You told me
to stay away from him.

I just meant don't lead him on
unless you really like him.

Yes, and you were right,

so I've been keeping my distance
to protect him.

Oh.

Well, that's actually
really mature of you.

With great hotness
comes great responsibility.

There she is.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Jay: If Manny makes this one,
we go ahead.

Lot of pressure.

I'll bet he's chewing on
his own stomach acid right now.

Sorry to be so sentimental.
I just miss it.

Manny, kick this one hard!

[ Whistle blows ]

Aaaaaaaah!
[ laughs ]

That's my boy!

Actually, that's our boy.

Oh, that's our boy.

Phil: Moment of truth.

If you see even the tiniest
problem, point it out.

My dad died 25 years ago today.

[ Laughs loudly ]

...replace that sad memory...

That did not land
quite the way I'd hoped.

Cam, Mitchell...

May your first marriage
be as happy as my second.

To the grooms.

Wait a minute.
I take that back.

Oh, that's so bad.

To my sons.

[ Voice breaking ]
Oh. Jay.

[ Sneezes ]

Jay: All right.
[ chuckling ] Okay.

Have a good time.

O... Kay.
I have a few notes.

What am I gonna do? We have to
show this thing in an hour!

You know what you'd tell me?

Show the real video
and take your lumps.

I don't wanna.
That's what I would say.

And then you would tell me,
"you might not want to do it,

"but you have to do
what's right.

"And that will make you

go from patient zero
to patient hero."

Damn it, I've got a point.

How does someone so smart
sneeze on so many things?

Finished!

Let's see.

Oh. I'm sorry, but did someone
rob an art gallery?

Because this is
absolutely beau--

Done!

Okay.

We should probably
put your names on those

so we can remember
whose is whose.

Next activity.

Okay, Lily knows
all the capitals.

- Dad!
- It's all right, honey.

The first is Albany.

Then there's...?

Ohh! I thought
you meant world capitals.

Algeria, Algiers.

Angola --

Oh. Well, you're just
a little know-it-all, aren't ya?

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
I -- oh.

[ Crying ]

Okay. Sydney, forget
that I said that, okay, honey?

[ Crying ] I can't!
I have a photographic memory!

You made my friend cry!

No, I didn't mean to --

Oh, boy.

You did that on purpose!

No, no.
I-I don't think I did.

[ Doorbell rings ] Oh, gosh.
And there's your mother.

Sydney, sweetheart,
we got to stop crying, okay?

You're okay.

Oh. Now my watch is caught.

Ow! All right, little pull.
Little pull!

- Aah!
- It's fine! It's fine!

Oh, it's fine.
It's fine.

- Hi!
- Hi.

- We had so much fun.
- Oh, good.

[ Crying ]

Sydney, honey, are you crying?

He ruined my picture
and pulled my hair!

Just little accidents.

And he called me a know-it-all!

What kind of a person calls
a 6-year-old a know-it-all?

[ Door closes ]

She's a year younger
than you?

Should I not have come?
Oh, is it gonna be weird for Andy?

I shouldn't have dressed
so cute.

Hey, switch sweaters with me.

Just be yourself.

It's the surest way
for him to get over you.

Okay, thanks.

[ Door opens ]

- Hey, Uncle Cam.
- Hey.

Oh, my gosh.
I'm so glad you're here.

You got to talk to Lily.

- She's not speaking to me because --
- I have bigger problems.

I haven't even told you
what mine is yet.

I benched Manny.

I'm worried
Jay and Gloria are mad at me.

- Have they said anything?
- No.

All I've gotten from them
so far is "hola"

and "that scotch
is not for company."

Ah!

Oh, my gosh, Phil,
is that the wedding video?

Oh, we are so excited
to see it.

I'm so excited to show you guys!

[ Laughs ]

Get in the media closet.
Cut every wire.

Dad, get ahold of yourself.

You're right.

[ Grunts ]
I said, "you're right"!

Sorry. I already had it
loaded up.

Everybody come to dinner.
Then we watch the wedding movie.

Hey, thank you guys
so much for hosting.

And I hope there's
no hard feelings about Manny.

You're the coach.
You can't play favorites.

Exactly.

I am so relieved
to hear you say that.

No, no, no.
One of our chairs is broken.

Come. I have
a special seat for you.

Oh.

Mitchell!

She benched me.

[ Grunts ]

No!
You beat me again!

Well, this is embarrassing
for you.

Oh. Hey, stranger.

I let him win.

Mm.

How you been?

Oh, good, good.
Just busy.

I figured I'd say hi.
It's been a while.

I know, right?

I've been busy, too,
between this little guy

and visiting my family
back home.

I'm -- I'm really glad
you came by.

I was afraid things got, like...
weird

last time we saw each other.

Y-yeah, about that --
um, I rea--

Oh! I knew it.

I am such a goober sometimes.

I was just confused about Beth,

and I thought you were
sending me some signals,

which is so stupid.

I hope I didn't, like,
creep you out or something.

You shouldn't feel stupid.

You know, you were vulnerable,
I was at a wedding,

everybody was super-gay,
and nobody was looking at me.

I probably did
send you a signal.

I'm sorry if I gave you
the wrong idea.

Don't worry about it.

I'm just glad
we didn't take it any further.

Because clearly,
we are wrong for each other.

Totally. We are
way better as friends.

Way!

Like, imagine
if we kissed or something.

- Ha!
- That would've been a disaster.

[ Laughing ]
A huge disaster.

You would've been destroyed.

Yeah -- what?
[ Joe laughs ]

Whoa, Joe. What's with
the snow on the roof?

You're aging like a president.

Claire texted to start.
She's going to be a little late.

Well, that's crazy.

We should wait for her

and watch the wedding video
some other time.

No, no, no.
Let's eat.

I'm not very hungry.

I still have the taste
of failure in my mouth.

Sit down.
This is a family dinner.

We all eat together.

Are there potatoes?
I smell potatoes.

Here you go, sweetheart.

You eat it.

Lily, it wasn't that bad.

You still got my friend's hair
in your watch!

She's coming back.

What were you thinking
with that playdate?

I was feeling protective.
That girl made Lily feel bad.

Or did she make you
feel bad?

I didn't love it.

That happens
with all first-time parents.

We think our kids
are the best or the smartest.

For the longest time,
that's how we felt about Haley.

"The longest time"?
Really?

You can't force your kids

to live up to
your unreal expectations.

They're not perfect,
but you love them anyway.

Also applies to adults --
probably more so.

That is what I'm doing,
isn't it?

Jay does it all the time
with Manny's football.

Look at him -- he's so upset
of disappointing him

that he won't eat today.

Let's keep in mind
what's important here --

we're mad at Cam.

You have always
been like this.

You put so much pressure
into your kids

that they fall into pieces.

I never put more pressure
on my kids than they can handle.

[ Claire sneezes, coughs ]

Oh, don't be mad, dad.

I'm sorry. I tried.
I really -- I tried.

[ Knock on door ]

Knock, knock.
Me again.

Hey, you.

Hey.
So, uh, quick follow-up.

Um, when you said I would
be destroyed if we had kissed,

what exactly
did you mean by that?

Oh, gosh.

- I guess that is confusing, huh?
- Yeah.

I just meant that you would've
been emotionally ruined.

- What?!
- Yeah.

I don't understand it myself,

but there's a lot of heat
coming off of this.

Girls do not
get over this guy.

I'm not calling myself
a drug, but --

I'm sorry. Hasn't Beth broken up
with you, like, 10 times?

She's dying to get back
with me, though.

I wouldn't say
it's withdrawal, but --

For the record,
guys don't get over me, okay?

At last count,
I have three stalkers.

One of them has my face
spray-painted on his van.

I had to stand there forever
while he did it!

Okay.

I didn't mean to imply
that if we kissed,

it wouldn't affect me.

Are you kidding?

You are so pretty
and so out of my league.

It would've...
Rocked my world.

Okay, then.

It just would've hit you harder.
That's all.

[ British accent ]
Mr. Pritchett! Your bath awaits!

Are you prepared
for a bum-scrubbing today, sir?

Ohhh, no.

I said something wrong, didn't I?

No.

No, I'm just being stupid.

Um...

The point is is that, you know,
we're good, right?

You betcha.

Aw, come on.
Don't be so formal.

Come here, you.

Well... I promised
this little dude a bubble beard.

Come here.
[ grunts ]

Don't be a stranger, okay?

Mm-hmm.

[ Coughs ]

Honey, be a little selfish here.

You are not
up for watching this video.

Why were you even
out of the house like this?

Because I'm your
toughy-tough Supergirl.

Yes, you are, but that's
no reason to risk you--

[ sneezes ] Away from the food!

Can we catch this again?

This is exactly what you do!

To his own daughter.

Kind of puts me
benching Manny in perspective.

Also, is there a sauce
going around or...

Cam, you were right
to bench me.

I stunk out there.

Vindicated!

But not because of Jay.

- It's you, mom.
- What?!

Tensions are running high.
I think we should all go home.

I've never worried
about disappointing Jay.

He knows I'm terrible at sports.

Said it from day 1.

Only thing coordinated
about this kid was his outfits.

The way you call me your perfect
little angel boy and stuff,

I just feel like I'm letting you down.

Ay, Manny, I'm so sorry.

You could never let me down,
because you're my per--

You're okay.

I cued up the wedding video.

Oh!
All by yourself?

Let's watch it.
What do you say?

Luke: Okay.
Alex: Let's go.

Mitchell: I'm nervous.

- Is this -- is this a good time?
Cam: Yes.

It feels like --
O-okay.

Just -- let's go now.
Come on.

F-full disclosure --

everybody may not
look their best in this video.

It's good.

It's about time
we all start seeing ourselves

as who we really are,
not who we're trying to be

- or who other people want us to be.
Claire: Right.

See, now, that is
a very complicated machine.

- She is a genius.
- Not a good start.

Hit it, Lily.

This is gonna be good for you.

I don't like you right now.

[ Dance music plays ]
Mitchell: Oh, God. Cam: Ooh!

Is that --
is that my dancing?

Is that what I look like?

[ Laughter ]

No, no.
Okay, that's really funny.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Fast forward.
Come on.

- Aww. - Aww.
- Aww. - Aww.

That's actually
really sweet, Cam.

Is that my crying face?

Oh, it's hideous!
Why hasn't anyone told me?!

Oh, God, I'm doing it right now,
aren't I? Give me that.

[ Claire coughs ]

Congratulations, Mitch and Cam!

[ Gasps ]

Oh. Look at me in that dress!

I look gorgeous!

Give me rewind!

Mom, look at you
holding on to that bar.

You had vertigo there, too.

Yeah, I sure did.

You know, we don't
have to linger on that.

Alex: Oh, mom!

Hey, everybody.
I want to say something.

Um...

Jay: All that sweat.
What the hell?!

I look like I had
shamu in a headlock!

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Yeah, you and me both.
I'm disgusting!

No, no, no, no, no.
It's Haley's nausea. Oh, God!

I'm gonna keep it short.

Jay: Yeah, you will.

120 people in that room,

and no one told me
to put my arm down!

I have an idea, actually.

Why don't I re-edit the video

and cut out
the embarrassing parts?

- Is that a problem?
- Not at all!

Cam: That's great!
- Done!

Mitchell: Thank you so much.
[ chuckles nervously ]

I know you sneezed on the cake.

No one likes a know-it-all!

[ Dance music plays ]

Cam: Mitchell! Come to bed!

Aren't you ever gonna sleep?

No.

No, I don't think I am.

[ Music stops ]

Mitchell!

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