Modern Family (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Schooled - full transcript

If I get just, everybody's attention...

Real quick.

Um, on this wonderful occasion--

our daughter leaving
tomorrow for college...

If I could get everyone
to raise their glass

as I quote from one
of our nation's great fathers--

Jefferson.

George Jefferson.

"I never dreamed
that one of my own

"would be going off
to a university,

"but here I stand,
a proud black man,



knowing that all those hours
I put in at the dry cleaner--"

- Phil.
- Not now, weezie.

Where was I?

Quoting that president.

Okay, if she's
the future of America,

we should start using
Chinese money now.

We already are.

My arm is tired. To Haley.

To Haley!

And before everyone
puts their glasses down,

uh, uh, we're also
very proud of Lily.

Tomorrow is her first day
of kindergarten.

- To Lily.
- Oh, Lily.

To Lily. To Lily.
And you'll be impressed to know



that she's gonna be one
of the smartest girls there.

Lily, sweetie, what's
the square root of 64?

8.

Wow. Hey!

Nice trick.

Hey, Lily, what's the square
root of this potato?

8.

Congratulations.
You have a parrot.

We couldn't even get
through the toast to Haley

before you pulled focus to Lily.

Oh, come on. It's-- it's a big day
for both of them. Huh?

Haley going to college
is a miracle.

Lily going to kindergarten
is the law.

Well, Haley and Lily aren't
the only ones starting school.

My mom and Jay
are going to parenting class.

We're doing it for the baby.

Not this baby.
That baby.

Manny doesn't believe that
we know what we're doing.

A couple of new hairs
under his arm,

and now he thinks he knows
more than his own mother.

I know not to embarrass my son

as he stands
on the threshold of manhood.

I don't know why I have
to go to this thing.

In case you've forgotten,
I raised two kids.

- Ow!
- Ow! Stop pulling my hair.

- Stop twisting my nipple. Ow!
- Shut up. Shut up.

Why look at me?
It was their mother's fault.

I was barely around.

No!
Ow, ow!

Haley, this is, like,
the third bag

of makeup and hair care products.

Dad, if you want me to get
good grades, I have to look cute.

Don't say a word.

No. No.
I agree with that premise.

Thank you. Wait.

Yeah, thank you.

- Claire.
- Mm-hmm?

In Haley's stuff,
a box of condoms.

Yeah.
Um, I-I bought those for her.

What? Why don't you just
buy her some fishnet stockings

and a nurse's outfit?

Not that that's my thing.
That just popped into my head.

Honey, she's an adult,
and she's going to college.

I want to be realistic.

I don't want her
to get caught unprepared.

24 times? What, are you
buying her a 4-year supply?

Please.
Phil, that would've lasted me

and my college boyfriend,
like, a long--

La, la, la, la, la, la, la!

Okay, we gotta hit the road.

Give your sister a hug good-bye.

Don't dork up our room.

Don't slut up your college.

Seriously, though,
don't study too hard, okay?

I'm totally going to have fun.

I'm Iceland in the mock U.N.

Mom, we're gonna lose her.

I am doing my best.

Luke, come say good-bye
to your sister.

I'm right here.

Bye, Haley. Have fun.

Don't drink too much beer
and shots of Tequila.

Why are you wearing that mask?

Uh, I like it.

He doesn't want you
to see him cry.

He's literally
masking his emotions.

No!

- That's so sweet.
- Come here.

It's not sweet.
I'm an evil cyborg.

Half my face was burned off
in an industrial accident,

and the mask is hiding
the servos that control my mouth.

Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving,

but I'm gonna be okay knowing
I've done everything I can

to get her set up and prepared
and off on the right foot.

Not me. When we're standing
in her dorm room saying good-bye,

it's gonna be one of the most
emotional moments of my life.

I'm gonna cry harder than
the first time I saw "Air bud"...

Especially when I give her this.

- "Phil's-osophy."
- Hmm.

A hardbound collection of
all the life lessons I've learned,

such as...

"Always look people in the eye,

"even if they're blind.

Just say, 'I'm looking you in the eye.'"

or...

"If you get pulled over
for speeding,

tell the policeman
your spouse has diarrhea."

Phil's-osophy.

Look how much fun
you're gonna have here, Lily.

So many great toys to play with,

and you're gonna make
so many new friends.

Oh, I wish I was
in kindergarten again.

Oh, not me. Did I ever
tell you about David Anthony?

He used to call me "Cam the ham."

- Okay, Lily's day.
- Yeah, you're right.

You know what?
It's gonna be a great day.

I'm just saying,
it's difficult to grow up

with a name
that rhymes with "ham."

Hello? Mitch? Witch. Twitch.

Bitch.

Elaine Stritch.

What?

Not all bullies are straight.

Okay, parents...

- Oh!
- We'll see you at 12:00.

- All right.
- Mm!

- This is when the crying starts.
- Mm!

Does it ever stop?

Come on, Cam.

Okay.
You know what, Lily, sweetie?

I know this is gonna be difficult--

Bye!

Okay.
That was a knife to the heart.

No, it's-- it's a good thing.
Come on.

- Oh, you know what?
She forgot her snack. - Oh.

Where'd she go?

Ow! That hurts!
Ow! That hurts!

Oh, Lily, honey!

Sweetheart, come here.
Come here.

If you ever put your hands
on my daughter again,

I will string you up by your feet,
run you up the flagpole,

and let the birds
peck out your eyes.

You understand?

Mr. Tucker, put that boy down!

He pulled my daughter's hair.

Please apologize to Connor

for using your hands
instead of your words.

Sorry, little fella.

- I would like to see you in my office.
- Right.

- Now, please.
- Me, too? Oh.

Stop it.
Leave him alone.

Mr. Tucker, what happened
out there was unacceptable.

I agree. Is this kindergarten
or "The hunger games"?

I'm speaking of your behavior.

We've never had
an incident like this,

and now we've had
one on the first day,

before circle time.

What the fudge were you thinking?

Now the boy's parents
are coming in, and trust me,

they're mad as Hello Kitty.

Oh, you told his parents on us?

That is-- that is so not cool.

Well, I'm sure once they
hear what their boy did,

they will be understanding.

All right, whoever
made our son cry

has messed with the wrong moms.

Lesbians.

While often lumped together,
gay men and lesbians

have less in common
than one might think.

Like in the Venn diagram
of sexual identity,

you have gay men...

And straight men.

Both the same gender.

Then you have gay men...

And straight women.

Both attracted to the same gender.

But gay men and lesbians?

No.

Nothing.

I am so sorry
we have to meet like this,

but I'm sure you can
understand, as parents,

the instinct to protect your child.

Yeah, it's what makes me want
to punch you in the neck right now.

Wow. I see where your son
gets all of his aggression.

Okay, let's all take a time-out.

That's a good idea.
This is getting a little heated. Right?

Yeah, Pam, we don't want another
incident like at the lumberyard.

Oh, my God. You guys
go to the lumberyard, too? D--

I didn't know they
had a ladies' night.

Not the bar, Sally.

Okay, you know what?
He's trying to be nice,

and you just called him "Sally."

Yeah, you're not being very helpful,
Peppermint Patty.

Okay. Let's just stick
to our actual names.

Enough.

I'm gonna give you
a little homework assignment.

I want you and your kids
to have a family playdate.

Maybe if the four of you
can get along,

you can set a better
example for your children.

I think that's a wonderful idea. Pam?

- Fine.
- Cam?

Fine. We'll host, obviously.

"Obviously"?

Well, I assume you have

an unfinished woodworking
project at your house.

You've got a lot of nerve.

Yeah, and you've got half
a canoe in our living room.

I look forward to your frittata.

Oh. Why, are you visiting us in 2008?

Oh, my God.

Okay, thanks.

Baby for you.

You have some explaining to do.

I'm so sorry that you had
to find out like this, Jay.

Wow, you two are really far along.

We're, uh, we're still
in our first trimester.

Ay, that's nice.

Yeah, we've been trying
to get pregnant for ages.

She's latina.
You just gotta look at her funny.

Okay, now that
everyone has their doll,

let's talk about swaddling.

Now you want to start by turning
one corner of the blanket

toward you, like a diamond,

and folding the top down,

like this.

I think they made a mistake
at the hospital.

Tough room.

Now we are going to pull
the other corner 'round,

and tuck it in nice and snug

like a burrito.

Done! I win.

It's not a race.

You're darn right.
It wasn't even close.

Okay, it's good,
but it's a little tight.

It's a burrito.
You don't want the meat to fall out.

Here. And try like this.

And see?

Now your baby can breathe.

I wrapped my son with
one hand while driving a stick.

I think I know
how to keep a baby safe.

Man, I love being
back in the dorms.

It's like I never left.

Throw up a David Copperfield poster,
this could be my room.

Honey, Haley and I have
to go fill out some paperwork.

Why don't you throw
the linens on the bed?

- Oh, and move the car
before they tow us. - Okay.

Oh, my God.
What is that shirt?!

Pretty sweet, huh?
"Haley Dunphy moving Co."

'Cause we're moving you
here and here.

And also...

Here. Mm.

Man, you used to love it
when we swung you like that.

I bet we could still do it.

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

Oh, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

Don't you dare pick me up!
And take that shirt off.

- What? Why?
- It's cute!

It's not cute! Do you see
what's happening out there?

People are walking around
and judging each other.

No, they're not.

Oh, really?

You didn't see the way
muffin top across the hall

was looking at me? People can be cruel.
So take it off.

Fine.

Oh, my God! Put on a shirt!

I don't know what
you want from me!

"You only get one chance
at a first impression.

I suggest Julia Child,
because it's easy to do."

"Save the giblets."

Time to go to the beach!

- You're gonna go to the beach with a dog?
- That dog on the beach.

- I don't know what I did to deserve this.
- Yeah.

I want to show Connor my toys.

Oh, okay. You do that, sweetie.

Hey, Connor, uh, no hair pulling.

Thank you for that.

Okay, we have an assortment
of spring rolls here.

All vegetarian, of course.

Oh, 'cause I'm a lesbian,
I'm automatically a vegetarian?

Well, I saw it on "The L word."
I assume they have consultants.

I'm just saying
it's an offensive stereotype.

Okay, Pam, you are a vegetarian.

Wow!

Knock it off.

Worked out.

Yeah. So glad
that we are doing this.

- Yeah. Yeah, me, too.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, we're the only
gay parents in the class.

Yeah, we should be
supporting one another.

I mean, we have so much in common.

Exactly.

So...

Tell us about yourselves.

I'm an environmental lawyer.

Uh, and I'm a homemaker.

And-- and, uh,
and what do you do?

I'm a financial consultant.

I'm a contractor.

You thought I was a P.E. teacher?

- Well, figured.
- Mm.

Hey, I have a question real quick.

How do you guys get
the car seat on the motorcycle?

Uh, you know, Connor
is having a birthday next week.

Maybe Lily would like to come.

Oh, she would love that.

Oh, great.
Are you guys having a clown?

Oh, God, no.

I hate clowns they're so creepy.

Maybe you just don't like them
because they wear makeup.

You know what? I'm out.

Okay. Pam.

Uh... Connor, we're leaving!

Pam! Pam! You-- you don't understand.
Cam used to be a clown.

"Used to be"?
Once a clown, always a clown.

God! Not now! Not now!

Connor, let's go.

Pam.

Why is this door locked?

Here. Let me, please.

Lily, open this door right now.

Okay. I'm not hearing anything.

I'm sure they're fine.

Oh, how are you sure?

Connor!

- Lily!
- Connor!

Lily!

Make the water comfortably warm

90 to 100 degrees max.

And never leave
the tub unsupervised.

Is there something you two
want to share with the class?

No. It's dirty.

Excuse me.
We're trying to learn here.

Don't worry so much.
Babies are tougher than you think.

When I was 5 years old,
my babysitter was a goat.

What?

Ay, please.
You know about Lupe.

You never said she was a goat.

You know, it's great that we have

a couple of experienced
parents in the class.

Perhaps you can share some
of your wisdom with the rest of us.

Absolutely.
It's not rocket science.

It's babies.
They're hungry, you feed 'em.

They're teething,
you give 'em some scotch.

Scotch?

Really? Are you serious?

What?

So we left.

I didn't need a lecture
from Mary Poppins.

And I was suddenly
in a mood for a burrito.

I'd like admission
to your student body.

Aah! Oh, my goodness!

I am so sorry.
I thought you were my wife.

What's going on?

He grabbed me and said--

I thought she was my wife.
My wife works out a lot.

Dad?

How'd he grab you?

He squeezed my butt.

He what?

- Phil!
- I thought it was you!

Believe me, sir.
I'm a respected realtor.

This is an innocent mistake.

Honey, turn around and
show him your-- your butt.

- It-- it's uncanny.
- Dad.

I am very normal. Please do not
judge me based on them.

Are those your My little pony sheets?

What? No!

Mm. Oh. I ordered them online.

They must've sent the wrong ones.
I'm very sorry.

- That's what was in the box.
- Oh.

Okay.

Uh, for the record,
I am a respected realtor.

Those are not my condoms.

She bought 'em.

Oh, my God.

Apparently, that's
what people do these days--

- buy condoms for their kids.
- Uh-huh.

When I went to college,

my parents bought me
a bicycle helmet.

That was their idea of safety.

Certainly didn't need condoms.

Mm, not if you were wearing

a bike helmet around campus,
you didn't. Am I right?

Why don't we let you guys finish,

and we'll come back later?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yep. Yeah.

Yeah, that sounds good.

See you on parents weekend!

They seem nice.

- Guys.
- I-- I know. I know.

Look, we need
to reorganize a little.

Your dad will go out and
get us some new sheets.

You and I can hang up
all the pictures on the walls.

You know what?
I think it's best if you guys get going.

But we-- we wanted
to help you, sweetie.

No, I got it.

W-what if you wanna move
the furniture around?

And we were gonna take you
to dinner before we left.

I like the furniture where it is,
and I'm not hungry.

So...

- Okay.
- Okay.

Um, well, uh, before we leave,

- I wanted to give you a little present.
- Ohh.

It's actually not a little present.

It's probably the best present
you're ever gonna get.

- It's a collection of all
the things I've learned-- - Thanks.

Attention.

Dorm meeting in the common room.

Okay, so...

I better go.

Okay.

Okay, come here.
That's my girl.

- Let me get in there.
- Okay.

- All right.
- Bye!

Bye.

"The most amazing things that
can happen to a human being

"will happen to you

if you just lower
your expectations."

Oh, they've got
something over the hole.

- Lily!
- Connor!

We can't see anything from outside.

The curtains are closed.

Open up, Connor!
We'll let you have a hot dog!

What if something
happened to them?

What kind of hazards
do you keep in there?

Well, let's see.
That's where we keep our gun collection,

our abandoned refrigerator,

and our chocolate-covered
hypodermic needles.

Why are gay men
always so sarcastic?

It's my coping mechanism!

Okay, that's it!

Lily, Connor, if you can hear me,

back away from the door.
I'm gonna break it down.

I'll help you.

I don't want Connor to go!

I wanna stay!

Oh, thank God they're alive!

I love him!

No, you love the idea of him.
Now open this door, sweetie.

Can we really have hot dogs?

Yes, we promise.

Oh! Come here, sweetheart.

If you ask me,

sometimes we get so hung up
on our differences,

we forget the one thing
we have in common.

When it comes to the safety and
well-being of our children,

we're all a little bit nuts.

You have dainty little hands,
just like your daughter.

You have boots like my dad.

I'm not saying that the goat put me
to sleep or brushed my teeth.

It just stayed outside
my bedroom window

and scared all the strangers away.

Well, I'm not gonna lie.
I'm a little disappointed.

Hey, kid!

Jay, mom, how was class?

It was great.
It was very educating and--

and now we know
everything about the baby, no?

Interesting, because
your teacher called,

and you forgot your sunglasses
when you left...

Three hours early.

Ay, Manny, don't be mad.

I'm not mad.
Just disappointed.

I hate this.
I prefer when he screams.

Manny, it's no big deal.

They weren't telling us anything
we didn't already know.

We're going to have a baby.

Am I the only one who's terrified?

But why?

Why are you so terrified?

What if it doesn't know
not to pick up knives

or stick its finger
in an electric socket?

You were pretty lax, mom.

I was the one who told you

to turn the pot handles
towards the stove

so I couldn't reach them.

Manny, I didn't worry
about those things

because you worried
for the both of us.

What if this baby
doesn't think things through?

It's part Jay.

No offense taken.

If the baby's different,
we'll be different.

Hey.

When you were growing up,

you had to be the man
of the house and the kid.

Now I'm here.
You just have to be the kid.

I'm not gonna let anything
happen to the baby,

just like I'm not ever gonna let
anything happen to you.

Okay?

Okay. That is a load off.

Although you forgot to pick me up
last week after tango class.

We didn't forget.
We were just ten minutes late.

Ten minutes is a long time
in a sketchy neighborhood.

Please. It was between
a Gymboree and a Pottery Barn.

"Dance until your feet hurt.

"Sing until your lungs hurt.

Act until you're William Hurt."

How you doing? Are you okay?

Yeah. No, I'm...

I'm-- I'm-- I'm good.
You?

Fine. Yeah.

Great.

"Take a lesson from parakeets.

"If you're ever feeling lonely,

just eat in front of a mirror."

"Never be afraid
to reach for the stars,

"because even if you fall,

you'll always be wearing
a parent-chute."

TM."

Haley. Hi, honey. You okay?

Yeah.

Where are you guys?

Almost home, honey.

Dad, I really like that book.

You do?

Sweetheart, is everything okay?

Yeah, I just wanted to say
thank you for everything,

you know, today and stuff.

O-of course.

- Sure. - Of course.
If--if you need anything at all...

You just call us.

I'll probably need
some more condoms soon.

Not funny.

I'm sending you
some Care Bear sheets.

Anyway,

I should probably get going.
We have orientation at 7:00 a.m.

G-good luck with that, sweetie.

I love you, guys.

We love you, too, honey.

So, so much.

Bye.

Bye, Haley.

I'll miss you.

"Marry someone who looks
sexy while disappointed."

See?

"Older black ladies
make the best iced tea."

"Success is 1% inspiration,

"98% perspiration,

and 2% attention to detail."

"You can tell a lot about a person

from his biography."

"Watch a sunrise
at least once a day."

"If you love something,
set it free,

unless it's a tiger."

"If you're ever in jam,

"a crayon scrunched up
under your nose

makes a good pretend mustache."

"When life gives you lemonade,

"make lemons.

Life will be all like, 'what?!'"