Modern Family (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Snip - full transcript

Claire has problems with the kids as Phil prepares to get a vasectomy, Gloria refuses to wear maternity clothes, and Mitchell encourages Cameron to get a job.


What's with all the yogurt?

Shh! Durkas has been
breaking into my locker.

But I've got a little
revenge planned.

Sorry. I just remembered
I don't really care.

Where's mom?
Oh, my God, what is that outfit?

Are you going goth?

You still sleep
with a stuffed panda.

Don't you have a fraternity
to pass out in?

Is there anything else
you need for your procedure?

Um, I think I'm supposed
to have ice cream.

Hmm.
Actually, I don't--

I'm sorry. Is it a vasecto-you,

or a vasectomy?

- You can have ice cream.
- Thanks.

- Today...
- Snip-a-dee-doo-dah!

We-we've been talking
about doing this for a while.

Yeah. Yeah, ever
since dad and Gloria

had their little accident,
we don't need any surprises.

Also, though, it will
allow for a little more

freestylin' in the boudoir

if we're not having to worry
about adding more critters.

More importantly,
it is an essential part

of our 5-year plan.

Oh, the 5-year plan.
Talk about the-- the Rosses.

The Rosses-- Okay,
the Rosses are this couple

we have known forever, and...

they were never
able to have kids,

- so we always felt a little...
- Jealous of them.

- Yeah.
- I mean, we love our kids,

but John and Chrissy can travel...

They're always tan.

Did you know that Chrissy
is eight years older than me?

I would have said
eight years younger.

There's just this
spark in her that--

Well, look who I'm talking to.
You used to have it.

- Wow. It's like you don't... hear...
- The point is,

as long as we don't have
another baby,

that life is ours in five years

when Luke goes off to college.

Or somewhere.

It will actually be a pleasure

walking into that
doctor's office today--

There you are. Mom--

Hang on a second. What is this?

Uh-- is this because
of your new friend Skylar?

Oh, she's just trying
to change her image.

Nice work, by the way.

You went from dork
to Count Dorkula.

Can we talk about my clothes?
You were supposed to send them!

I'll be with you in a second.
Hang on.

I don't like this Skylar.

You don't need
to change who you are

to fit in with the cool kids.

Oh, of course she does.
She just is so uncool,

she doesn't know
who the cool kids are.

Don't you have a class to fail?

Don't you have a raven to train?

Listen, I have repeated
outfits twice this week.

- It's a disaster.
- And I will deal with it tomorrow,

but today I'm taking
your father to the doctor.

- He's having an ass-ectomy.
- What?

- I hear things.
- You're getting your tonsils out?

Ohh! This family needs
a dumbass-ectomy.

Oh, shut up! I'm tired
of you thinking you're so...

Did dad ever tell you
you were adopted?

- No, I wasn't!
- Five more years.

Okay.

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Okay, so after school,

you're going to your friend
Ashley's to swim,

so I'm gonna need you
to go get your swimsuit,

your swim goggles,
and your sunscreen, okay?

And change into a dress
that's not covered in cat fur.

Oh, that cat
is really losing its hair.

Maybe we should slip it
one of your Propecia, huh?

What Propecia?

Your Pro--

Is that not something
that we're...

So, uh, what you
got going on today?

Ohh. Busy, busy, busy, busy.

I might buy some light bulbs,
and then, if time permits,

I might do a little work
on my master project.

- Top secret.
- Okay.

- So don't you dare ask what it is.
- I won't.

Since Lily started kindergarten,

Cam's had a lot of free time.

Now, I-I'd like to suggest
he go back to work, but...

Historically, uh, that has proved
to be a sensitive topic.

We sent those adoption papers
to Vietnam last summer.

No, thank you very much,

and please remember my tone,
not my words.

She said it could take up
to nine months to get a baby.

It's inhuman!

Is it? Don't--
I-I know it's frustrating,

but maybe instead
of driving yourself crazy

waiting for the phone to ring,
you could go back to work.

Excuse me?

Get a job!

No, it--it'll help you take
your mind off the baby.

Oh, what, because
I'm a big, giant freeloader?

Actually, I think I laid out
the reasons pretty clearly.

No, I think you pegged me.
Bone lazy,

just like on the farm--
first to bed,

last to wake up in the morning.

You know what?
Why don't you call my dad,

and you two can gab all night

about what a teet-sucking
layabout I am?

Okay, I think I might have paddled

into some deeper waters here.

What, you think
I sit around all day?

Well, I'm not sitting now.

What's happening?

You keep a packed suitcase?

That's a healthy baby.

- Hold on.
- What?

Is that a license plate
and a hubcap?

You know, like in "Jaws"?

I never saw it.

I saw it, but I don't remember

a scene with a hubcap
in a pregnant woman.

Ah, forget it.

So, would you like to know

if you're having a boy or a girl?

- Yes.
- No.

Ay. I want it to be a surprise,

don't you, Jay?

I'm having a baby at 65.

You want another surprise, Gloria?

Buy yourself
a box of cracker Jacks.

Estupid dry cleaners!

They shrink my clothes!

Might be time for maternity wear.

Are you crazy?
I'm barely showing.

Sweetheart, your shirts barely
fit before you were pregnant.

And I never heard you complain.

We're gonna need a bigger belt.

Come on.

This is hard.

Hey, Cam.

Who's hungry?

Ohh! Were you thinking
about dropping by for lunch...

Again?

You know, I-I really wish I could,

but it's, uh,
it's a zoo around here.

Um... but, hey, Cam--

Cam, would you mind, uh,
stopping by Longinus' boutique

and picking up a few shirts for me?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Or we can do it together.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How are you?
- Good.

Okay.

Um... that's-- that's good.
Okay. Yeah.

You didn't send
the little green jacket?!

Honey, I am not doing this again.

It took me an hour to mail
that package before.

I have post-post office
traumatic stress disorder.

Stop smiling.
It's not that clever.

It is clever, and there's no way
I'm going back there today.

Oh, my God, I hate you so much!

Oh, sorry, that's your father.
Gotta go!

Claire, where are you?

Oh, honey, I just
had a hellish experience

at the post office.

I have post-post office
traumatic stress disorder.

- Nailed it.
- Yes!

And Luke forgot
his science project,

so now I'm at the school
dropping it off.

Um, but what about
my appointment?

I'm so sorry, honey.
I made other arrangements,

but I promise I will be
there when you wake up.

Arrangements?

What--um...
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What-- what arrangements?

I, um... I kinda
wanted you to take me.

Let's go! Chop, chop!

Seriously? "Chop, chop"?

Oh, right.

Ohh! What?

What is this?

- Mom?
- Luke!

What are you doing?!

I was dropping off
your science project.

Not to my locker!

When are you ever gonna
stop embarrassing me?

Five more years.

Five more years.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

If you're gonna go any higher,

maybe I should
put this down, huh?

So? What do you think?

Finally, a store that sells shirts

men actually wanna wear.

Thank you.
Look, holla if you need me.

We're a little shorthanded today.

What happened to J'Marcus?

Don't ask. She's a j'mess.

I'm telling you, it is
so hard to find someone

who knows clothes
and is good with people.

Well, I wish I knew somebody.

Oh, my God.
Wait a second. Cam?

You wouldn't think about
taking the job, would you?

Do you realize
how perfect you'd be?

Well, yes. Um, but I-I--

You'd only work part-time.

You'll get employee discounts
on the clothes.

Stop me if I'm wasting my breath.

Well, I don't know.
What do you think, Mitchell?

Well, I-I would miss
having you around the house,

but, you know, if--
if it's something that you love...

Mulling.

You know what?
It was nice of you to offer,

- but he should probably think about it.
- I'll do it!

- Really? - Yep. Just until he can
find somebody to replace me,

and good luck with that.

Oh, and I don't fold.

Longe, I'm getting a protein shake.

Okay. Mitchell, this is Jeoux.

Hi. Oh, just "Joe"?

Yes, Jeoux. J-e-o-u-x.

There it is.

Oh, is this the Mitchell
you're helping out

because he wants
his boyfriend to get a job?

I don't know what you're doing.
Should I wave?

Did your boyfriend take the job?

Oh, my God!
That looks so good on you, Cam!

Don't even.

It is everything I can do
to not create a scene right now.

You will pay for this. Mnh.

And this.

And this.

Manny, you don't seem so happy.

You usually love when I pull you
out of school to play hockey.

"A," it's "hooky,"

and "B," don't ever take me
out of school to play hockey.

Did something bad
happen at school?

They fired the music teacher.

Mr. Hideo Namagachi?

That you say perfectly.

Manny, don't worry.
He'll find another job.

What about me?

I've been buttering up
Mr. Namagachi for years.

He was gonna give me the lead
in the school musical,

"Oliver!"

Is it not all over.

"Oliver!"

Manny...

You are a very talented boy.

You're gonna find plenty
of music teachers

to put butter on.

But what if I can't?
I don't want to spend

my last year of middle school
in the chorus.

Maybe I can help.

Maybe when they pick
the new music teacher,

I'll go and I'll flirt
a little bit with him.

Hey, mom, since
we're just talking here,

about your shirt.

Uh-- what about my shirt?

Nothing.

I just noticed you got some, uh,

some pizza...
on the ice cream on it.

Ah, a little piece of-- mm.

It's natural to want
to know the sex.

And there's practical matters--
how you paint the nursery.

- Gloria should-- Phil, would you
please knock that off? - What?

- What's the matter? Are you nervous?
- I'm not nervous.

May-maybe you're
the one who's nervous.

You ever think about that?

Okay. "Nervous."

Okay. Okay.

Because if you've had
a change of heart...

I haven't had a change of heart.

Maybe you had a change of heart,
but I'm totally pumped.

Pump, pump, pumped.

Pump up the jam
in my pumped-up... kicks.

Pumpty-dumpty.
Pumplestiltskin.

Because they do this
kind of thing all the time,

and in about an hour,

you're gonna be wanting
to ride a horse.

Mr. Dunphy, can you please
come to the desk?

What's the plan, Phil?

Just sit here.
I'm just gonna sit--

I'm gonna sit a bit.
Sitting pretty.

Is there a Phil Dunphy here?

I'm his father-in-law.
He's gonna need a moment.

Is there anything
I could fill out for him?

Not unless you want the vasectomy.

Where were you six months ago?

Barbados. Now I really need
to speak with the patient.

Got it.
Phil, get over here.

Phil?

He just ran ou--

You know what could do wonders
for your business here?

A recovery room.

Okay, wait, wait.
I'm not sure about this.

Don't be a baby.

It's gonna look cool.
Just hold still.

Ohh! Mom, what
are you doing here?

I am changing my shirt.
Why aren't you at school?

- Mrs. Dunphy, we just--
- Oh, no, you don't get to talk, Morticia.

Okay, we cut last period--
big deal--

because we're shaving
the backs of our necks,

which is totally a style.

But of course now
you're going to freak out

- like you always do about
every little thing. - Let's do it.

- What?
- Yeah. Yeah. Let's shave up some heads.

Come on. Who's first?

Uh, okay. Okay, mom, we--
we don't need you to do that.

- Are you afraid?
- I'm not afraid!

Then let's do this. It's shaving time.

Shavy gravy.
Shaved by the bell.

- Why are you talking like dad?
- Hair up, girls!

Let's see some napes. Come on. Let's--

oh, God. No!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
What did you do?!

What did you do?
I have my sister's wedding on Saturday!

I'm so sorry.

Uh, Skylar, wait!

I could--I could--
I could even that up for you.

Stay away from me, both of you!

Uhh! You ruined my life!

Skylar!

Cam.

Cameron! Ohh! You're gonna
have to talk to me at some point!

Oh, well, let me put that
on my list of things to do,

- right after "get a job."
- Would you stop running away?

Nope.

C-Cam! Come on!

You know, I can barely
catch up with you

now that you lost
all that weight.

You know what?
I am sleeping better,

and I do have more energy--
Oh, you know what? You're good.

You're very good.

Cam, the only reason
I tried to get you that job

is because you've been seeming
a little... unfulfilled.

Oh, what, and
you thought you'd fix me

by turning me into
some common shopgirl?

You're not going anywhere.
We have a daughter.

It's not for me. It's for you.

Cam, I'm not go--
Okay, well, that's packed.

Yeah, and if you're going
someplace cool,

- I have a winter one packed as well.
- No, I'm not going anywhere!

And I should be able to talk
to you about these things.

Oh, what things?

How empty my life is?

You know, you have
no idea what I do

around this house every day.
I shop for food,

I pay the bills,
I maintain the house,

I grocery shop.

Same as shopping for food.

And still I have enough time
to work on my master project.

And you never ask me
what my master project is.

Because you told me not to ask!

Fine, since you won't let it go...

Does this...

look like the work
of an unfulfilled slacker?

A mermaid costume?

Hand-sewn from my own design.

Have you ever stitched lycra?

It's like sewing water, Mitchell.

It looks a little small for Lily.

It's not for Lily.

It's for the cat.

It's a mermaid costume for the cat.

My master project.

It's a mermaid costume...

for a cat!

Okay. Hey, don't cry, okay?

No, no, it's--it's nice. It's--

it's a very nice cat costume.

Oh, stop it!

This is eight weeks of my life!

My--my stupid, empty, creepy,

useless cat-dressing life.

Let me get you a tissue, all right?

- Here.
- Okay.

Oh! You packed me tissues.

I know how you are
with your allergies.

Cam! You know
I don't think you're lazy.

I know.
That's just stupid dad stuff.

You know, I didn't like
working on the farm,

and he just took it
as me being lazy.

The truth is, is I am unfulfilled.

And I do need to find something.

Well, you just--you seem happier
when you have a challenge.

- You know?
- I know, I know.

You know, I loved
teaching music to kids,

and then--then Lily,
she came along, and...

That's the best job
in the whole wide world.

You know? And now
she doesn't need me as much.

No, come on, come on.

- We're gonna find you
something else, all right? - Yeah.

And it doesn't have to be Longinus.

- Or this.
- Yeah.

We'll just-- you know,
I do like these shirts.

Yeah. Yeah.

Mulling.

Okay. You know, if I'm gonna mull,

I could really use some chocolate.

Well, since your diet,
we don't keep it around the house.

- Side pocket.
- Yeah? Oh.

- Remind me to replace these.
- Okay.

Oh. Hey, Jay! How you doing?

Phil, you gotta stop running
from things because--

Running? I'm not running.

You're running. Look, I'm not up
for another round with this.

Just get in the damn car!
I'm not having a great day!

You're not having a great day?!

Are you about to get spayed
like a common schnauzer?!

They don't spay you,
they fix you. You're a man!

I just want to stay one!

Phil, what's scaring you here?

That people are gonna think
less of you as a man?

No, I'm afraid it's gonna hurt.

- That's what this is about?
- Wait, people think that?

That you're less of a man?

That never even occurred to me.

Look, no one's gonna
think less of you.

And it hardly even hurts.

I'm unusually sensitive down there.

I can't go in certain jacuzzis.

I'm gonna be with you
the entire way.

Plus it's the fear of pain

that's always more than
the actual experience.

That's easy for you to say.
You're not afraid of anything.

- Of course I'm afraid of stuff.
- Like what?

Look...

You remember before,
when I told you I was

wanting to know the--
the sex of the baby...

For practical matters?
Well, that wasn't true.

I'm kind of afraid
of having a girl.

Give me a break.
That's not a thing.

You'd just rather have a boy.

Everyone would rather have a boy.

No. I'm actually scared.
I get boys.

It's girls-- they're--
they're complicated.

Half of Claire's childhood,
I did everything I could

to try to turn her into a boy.

Well, whatever your issues were,

you and Claire are good now.

Yeah, but I may not get
that kind of time

with this new one,
and I can't screw it up.

I don't think I'm sensitive
enough to raise a girl.

Jay, you're being
sensitive right now.

I mean, I was pretty hysterical,
and you calmed me down.

I-I don't think you're
the guy you used to be.

So you're saying that
if I can deal with you,

then I can handle...
any other little girl?

I think I'd put it
a-a little differently.

No, I-I-I think that's right.

Thanks.

We gonna do this?

Promise it's not gonna
hurt that much?

Tiny, little pinch.

- I built it up in my head, didn't I?
- Totally.

And I can still achieve
a-a full and satisfying...

You know what?
We had a nice little moment here.

We don't have many of those.

I think I'm gonna commemorate it.

- Okay.
- All right?

So sit up straight.

There you go.

No, no, the arms down.
Uh, better arms down.

- All right.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's right. Relax.

There you go.

Perfect.

Can I get a copy?

Oh, there'll be a lot of copies.

Oh, great.

You were kind of hard
on that cinnamon bun guy.

Did you hear what he said to me?

"Congratulations"?

He thinks I'm pregnant!

That is an insult when
the person doesn't look it.

Mom, wait.

You need to hear this.

You are pregnant,
and you look it.

I hope that this new one
has some good manners!

Mom, stop!

I know this whole thing
is a little scary for you.

Last time you were pregnant,
you kinda did it alone

'cause dad wasn't around much.

But this time
you have two partners.

That's sweet.

And so are you.

Especially with a little bit
of sugar in your face.

Let me see.

Ohh! What happened?!

Your shirt couldn't take it anymore!

The stupid dry cleaners!

W-- where is it?!

Ay, no!

Oh! You're running out
of arms, mom!

A maternity store's
right over there!

- What was that?
- I don't know, but let's go!

It's you. I thought it was
the guy coming to shave me.

Oh, good. They haven't started.

He had a little piece
of bloody toilet paper

on his neck.
It was disconcerting.

- Are you okay?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I had a pretty crazy day,

but it-- it had
an interesting ending.

And this tortoise
was 200 years old.

I'm sorry.
I'm boring you with my trip.

No, not at all.

You hot-air-ballooned
over an active volcano.

Three weeks ago I made
every green light on Jefferson.

Couldn't stop talking about it.

- You e-mailed me.
- Oh, God.

Mom shaved Skylar's head?
That's hilarious!

It's not gonna be so fun

the next time she bothers
to show up for school.

What do you care?
You know you don't even like her.

I don't. Skylar's awful.

Mom actually did me a huge favor.

Oh, my God. Do not tell her that.

She will never shut up.

I know. Remember when you admitted

that you didn't hate that
James Taylor concert

- she dragged you to?
- She was unbearable! "I told you!

- He's got the voice of an angel!"
- "He's got the voice of an angel!"

She's such a nerd.

I kind of miss her, though.

You know, honey,
I don't want to do this

unless you are really ready.

I am ready.

- I don't know if I am.
- Me, either.

You wanna wait?

Five more years?

I've always seen life
like a series of doors.

Sometimes you get to choose
the door you go through,

sometimes you don't get that choice.

But you still gotta walk through.

So you can either go
kicking and screaming...

Or walk through with
your head held high.

And since I don't get to choose

the door I'm about to go through,

I just pray it's a healthy,
happy kid.

And a boy.

Honey, look what
Manny just sent me.

Hang on one sec. Okay.

- Is that the funniest thing ever?
- Oh, yeah!

Oh... oh, my gosh.
Mitchell, come here.

You have to see
what Claire sent us.

Okay, wait. One--one second.

Okay. Is that hilarious?

That's great! Oh, Phil!

Ay, this is embarrassing.

I don't know
how comfortable I am

with this guy teaching our kid.

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