Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 23 - Tableau Vivant - full transcript

Oh, Phil, honey,
you're still up.

Okay.
How does this sound?

"Mitchell,
I love you very much.

I not only love you, but I
admire you, and someday"-

Are you firing him
or proposing to him?

Honey, this was supposed to be
a part-time job.

He was gonna be done
in the summer anyway.

Just ... be direct.
I should have warned him.

How do you tell someone they have
a reputation for being lazy?

Mitchell, lazy?
Yeah, yeah.

He handed in a couple of contracts late,
but I didn't want to say anything ...



because he's practically
doing this for free.

I can't do this! This isn't the face of
a cold-blooded hatchet man.

Hmm.
Will you do it?

Hey.

Oh. I'm sorry.
Did we wake you up?

No, I was up.
Worried about tomorrow.

My art teacher
acts like I don't exist.

But I've one last chance to impress him
at our year-end an fair.

A few students are doing
living versions of famous paintings.

I've chosen this one,
and I'm using my own family.

Brilliant, right?

When I told him, he said,
"That's nice, Alice."

It's been a year.

Alice? Really?



Honey, do you think
you're nervous ...

because you've got
a little crush on Mr. Jarvis?

No. Are you sure? Because
I've seen the way you-

Sounds like you're the one
with the crush.

I've just never had a teacher
not like me before.

Well, Miss Davis.
Mmm.

Please. She's a gym teacher.

She's to teaching
what Dr. Seuss is to medicine.

And to think
she didn't like you.

You?
What's your problem?

Nothing. I'm just
excited for tomorrow.

I'm getting a medal at school
because I put out a fire.

Maybe that's what I should be
when I grow up-

a professional medal-getter.

- Luke, what happened?
- I don't know.

I was just walking by
and I smelled flames.

I was there.

I don't like this.
We're not supposed to be in here.

Just keep a lookout.

We're 10 seconds away
from creating Luketonium.

- Oh, crap!
- Look what you did!

- Luke, what happened?
- I don't know.

I was just walking by
and I smelled flames.

Okay, guys. You're gonna be dragging tomorrow
if you don't go to bed right now. Let's go.

Fine. Come on, Alice.

I'll be up
in a minute.

Mitchell, I can't tell you
how hard- how hard this-

No, that's not personal enough.

Okay, okay.

I can't tell you how hurt
and angry this makes me,

but you've been late
too many times.

I'll need your keys.

Daddy, no.
I'm so sorry.

Honey, I didn't hear you come downstairs.
You couldn't sleep either?

Uh, yeah.

No, there's just, like,
a lot on my mind-

with graduation
and what to wear-

How does this look?

Wait a second.
You're carrying your shoes.

How am I supposed to judge
the whole outfit? Put 'em on.

Oh.

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey ##

So make sure you give this menu
here a good, thorough reading.

Soup.
You didn't even look at it.

Soup. Check out what's below
the soup- Sandwiches.

Have you check out
what is below this outfit?

This doesn't come
from sandwiches.

Look.

"The Jay Pritchett"?
I don't understand.

They named you after a sandwich?

No, they named a sandwich
after me.

Turkey, bacon, Swiss cheese, red
peppers, anchovies on wheat?

Most people stop
after salty bacon,

but I double down
with anchovies.

Were you making a sandwich
or attracting deer?

Is this bum
bothering you, miss?

I should get a picture of this.
An actual waitress sighting in this dump.

I took a chance and put in
an order for your sandwich,

although most people
like their Jay Pritchetts to go.

What's happening?
Gloria, it's Maxine.

So you're married to Jay.

Where'd you tie up
your Seeing Eye dog?

No, no, I'm not, um-

Okay, I get it. I get it.

Here's that number for that neck
doctor I want you to see. Thanks.

What's wrong
with your neck?

For 30 years, I've been
hearing it's a handball injury,

but it always seems
to get worse with stress.

Maybe it's that audit
he's got comin' up.

- Audit?
- Nothing.

Oh, isn't that cute?
He doesn't want you to worry.

Here's your sandwich.
Now you should worry.

Look at it.
My prettiest child.

Why didn't you tell me about your neck?
it's fine. Take a bite.

Your company's getting audited?
Nothing!

Three bad days, then it's over. Come on!
I'm anxious to hear what you think.

Uh-huh?
Uh-huh?

I see it growin' on you.

It's like Maxine when she first
tried it- I don't like it.

You probably didn't get all- Hey, I try it.
I don't like it.

That's all you can say? It
tastes bad in my mouth.

It's like a fish and a turkey beat
themselves to death with a pepper.

Okay, fair enough.
Maybe a little picky, though,

from someone who prepared
a Colombian specialty ...

and said, "Why are you not eating the hooves?
They're the best part."

I'm back!

Oh, hey, Uncle Cam.

Oh, thanks again
for picking me up last night.

You're welcome. But you
have to be more careful.

I was the responsible one.

Lisa was drinking, and I took
her keys, and then everything-

I understand.

My senior year, I had a
pretty crazy night myself,

involving a bottle of corn
mash and an overturned plow.

Seriously? Yeah. You
don't know terror ...

until you've had to stare down the
eyes of a Missouri state trooper ...

and talk your way
out of a P.U.I.

Honey,
you don't drink coffee.

I do when I've been up
half the night ...

worrying about a project
that's only one-third done,

and I still have an apron to sew,
scenery to paint ...

plus my normal
crushing workload, so-

Unless you have a better way
for me to stimul-

God.
Coffee's bitter.

That was your first sip?

Okay, I got the chafing dish,
salt and pepper shakers.

Perfect matches, both.

I may have to
readjust my grapes.

Huh. Wow. I'll just give
you a little privacy.

Welcome back
to the light show.

Hi.
Hi, Lily.

Hi, Daddy.

Lily. Sweetheart, no.

No, no, no, no. We're-
We're not gonna do that today.

Actually- Actually, Claire, we're trying
not to use the word "no" so much.

We just read a book that said children
learn to rebel against that word.

Uh-huh. So we redirect her
into a new activity instead.

Here. Well, just watch this.

Lily, sweetie, hi.
It's Daddy here.

Would you like to listen
to some music?

Okay. There you go. See?

Every new generation thinks they have
cracked the code on child rearing.

What's the latest theory?
"Never say no."

I say no every day
in this house.

But at night,
she's a yes machine.

No.

Well, it doesn't seem that she is redirecting
her own energy as much as using a lot of ours.

But do you see how she's slowly
transitioning from the lights to the music?

Yeah.
Yeah, I do.

It's hard to believe there was ever a time
when we just said, "Stop doing that."

The garbage disposal.

Lily. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

Not- Let's redirect you
into a nap, huh?

Actually, we're doing this new thing where we
let her tell us when she wants to take a nap.

It's called "being
your own nap captain."

Mm-hmm.
Come on, sweetie.

Hey, hey.
Phil.

Hey. Did you
ring the doorbell?

Oh, no, 'cause I have
these two coffees.

One is for you.
Thank you.

Here's my life-
A full-time job,

a three-year-old
and a second one on the way.

And as a favor, I agreed to do a
little work for Phil's agency.

The problem is, I'm very good,

and the more I do,
the more they want me.

L-I even turned in
a few assignments late ...

so that they'd fall out of
love with me a little bit.

Right.

How- How long have you
been standing here?

Are-Are you- Are you all right?
Oh, yeah.

- 'Cause you're really blinking.
- Mm-mmm.

I'm a stress blinker.

Um, and what really
gets me going is confrontation.

Hate it. I-l avoid it at all costs.
Terrible at it.

Once, I-l, uh- I tried to
break up with a girl,

and I danced around it so much, she
didn't know I had broken up with her.

Twenty years later,
we're still married.

I am ... really sorry ...

about the cold coffee.

It's not that cold.
it's lukewarm, so-

Okay, so- Funny story
about that expression.

When the kids were younger, we had
a, uh- a wading pool. Uh-huh.

And occasionally Luke would have an
accident and, um, Alex would scream.

And we'd say, um, "It's okay, honey.
He's just making it lukewarm."

What else? What else? So I
gotta get going, but I, uh-

Okay, wait. I'm just gonna
come straight out and say it.

Mitchell, you've done
a wonderful job for the agency ...

since you decided you'd
help us out forjust a little bit.

We couldn't
ask for more, could we?

I wish it didn't have to end.

In fact, if it was up to me,
you'd stay on forever, but it is not-

Phil, Phil.
just up to me, is it, so-

Phil, I saw this coming,
and-and- Look.

I bailed. I made an
excuse and left.

But I-I've- I've gotta be
straight with him.

You know, "Phil, I cannot stay
on with your firm forever."

Oh, God,
it's gonna crush him.

Maybe I can get Claire
to do it.

Well, that was easy.

We're really proud of you, buddy.
See you at the ceremony.

You're not a hero.

I put out a fire.
A fire you started.

Was there a fire?
Yes.

Did I put it out?
That's not-

Answer the question.
Yes.

I'm getting an award for it.

If they gave awards for starting fires,
I'd be getting one of those too.

I know you have
a conscience, Luke.

Do you see this flag?
It stands for justice.

So when that fire marshal
gets here,

I know you're going to look at
that flag, do the right thing.

You were very quiet
all the way home.

Are you upset at me because
I honked at that old lady?

Normally we leave the honking to
the driver, but I'm used to it.

Is it because
of the sandwich?

You maybe could've eaten half of
it, said a couple of nice things.

It's just a sandwich, Jay.

It's not about
the delicious sandwich, Gloria.

It's about being respectful
of a person's feelings.

But I was
just being honest.

You don't have to be honest about
every little thing in a relationship.

Some things you say,
some things you don't.

Oh. What are the things
that you don't say?

Gloria, I really don't want to
do this anymore. Oh, really?

But you cannot just try to teach me
a lesson and then not- Okay, fine.

I don't say this, but it ...

bothers me a little bit
that you're just a tiny bit loud.

Loud?
Not all the time.

Only when you-
you know, when you talk.

So I embarrass you?
Gloria.

What? Am I
being too loud again?

All right. Buckle up.
Oh.

I'm gonna go
and try to do the laundry,

and I'm gonna do it very
quietly so I don't bother you.

Maybe Manny can help me.

Manny.
I get it.

Manny.
I get it.

Now you're not even
making any noise.

Okay, this is
way too many grapes.

And this spoon is modern
day, so if we use it,

everyone at the table has to react in
shock at the spoon from the future.

Okay-

And that went
down the drain.

And you need a nap.

You need a nap.

I got it. Ooh, I lost it. Shoot.

Let me know if I can eliminate
any distractions for you.

I got it. No, I got a finger on it.
There it is. Oh, lost it again.

Maybe you should just
wait until it comes to you.

You know, make it the captain
of its own spoon platoon.

I understand the point
you're making, Claire, but-

Oh, now I'm stuck.

Yeah, Cam. You are stuck. You are stuck on
a philosophy that clearly doesn't work.

Sometimes you need to
say "no" to a child.

Yeah, and sometimes you
need to say "no" to an adult.

No, Claire, no. I don't need help
raising my child.

Oh, okay.
Sorry.

Guess I do have a lot to learn.

Right now, I'm looking forward to learning
if you will get your arm out of there ...

before Lily gets
to the garbage disposal switch.

Um- Lily, sweetie?

- Can-Can you do something, please, Claire?
- I would like to, really.

I would. But I would
probably just say no ...

and shred her confidence
and mangle her self-esteem.

Okay, fine. I'm sorry. Stop her! Stop her!
What to do? What to do?

- Sweetie! Claire!
- What to do?

Oh! Oh!

Yes! Ohh.

Ohh.

You think
that's funny, don't you?

Yes. Well, it's wicked, Claire.
It's wicked.

Come on.
We're leaving, Lily. Lily!

It's living art. We stay perfectly still
for 90 seconds, basically doing nothing.

Sounds like my first wife. I don't know.
She always moved for me.

Long as you both agree
it was only 90 seconds.

Two nerds with one stone!

I love working in an office.

Is that your brother-in-law?
I thought you fired him.

- I did. Before work.
- Then what's he doin' here?

Is he disgruntled?
He looks disgruntled.

No, he always
looks like that.

Hey. How's it goin'? Hey.

Hey, listen. Okay, I know
this is uncomfortable,

but we really need to talk
about my future here.

But I- I thought we-
No, I know, I know.

I led you to believe that I'd be able
to stay on here indefinitely and-

Okay, okay.
Don't get all blinky.

Oh. it's not
all bad news, okay?

You will have me until
July, like we agreed.

Okay, great.

Could you jump on the elevator
with me real quick? Yes, yes.

I could use a hand carrying up some stuff
from my car.

Oh, my goodness. I probably
need some empty boxes, don't I?

You know what? You head down.
I'll meet you at the glass doors.

There was something else. What was it?
I know it's in there.

Oh, yeah. You're fired.
What? Fired?

What's goin'
on with these things?

You tryin' to open 'em?
Mm-hmm.

I better get somebody.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You're firing me?

- I don't even like this job.
- That can't be safe.

- Someone trapped in there?
- The guy they fired.

- Oh, the lazy guy?
- Lazy?

You handed in a couple of things late.
I should've warned you.

I'm terrible
at breaking bad news.

Then why did you come over to my
house and tell me how great I was?

That was me
trying to fire you.

I haven't felt like this since I tried
to break up with Claire 20 years ago.

- Someone stuck again?
- That lawyer with the attitude they just fired.

They said it was your attitude,
like you were doing us a favor.

I was doing you a favor.

- Why didn't he take the stairs like everyone else?
- Lazy.

Don't worry.
He can't get you.

Two hours I was stuck in there, with an
entire office of people staring at me.

L- I finally had to lie down.

Didn't help my reputation.

Figures.

You guys nailed it.

Dude, that was surreal.
Get it?

Dad, come on.
We have a minute to set up!

Where are Mitchell and Cam?

Hey, Manny. Thanks for what
you said before about the flag.

It really got me thinking. I
knew you had a conscience, Luke.

More importantly,
you've got a good-

You didn't.
Yep.

And thanks to you, I had them move the
ceremony to right under the flag.

I'll sign a picture
for you.

- Oh, there you are. I was afraid you weren't coming.
- It was a discussion.

If we weren't gonna show up, we
would have clearly let you know ...

and not humiliated you
in public.

If it's any consolation, the
lawyer we hired to replace you ...

is already
suing the elevator company.

Ow! You're sitting on my hand.

Be thankful you have two.
I almost lost one today.

Stop being such a baby.
She was nowhere near that switch.

Shh! Keep your voices down.
We're about to go on.

Why are you looking at me?
Am I too loud?

- Is that what everybody thinks?
- What?

- There's a backstory here you don't want to know about.
- I want turkey.

Save your
appetite, baby girl.

And don't forget, afterwards we're
goin' to Lenny's for a bite to eat.

More than a bite,
if you value my feelings.

Oh, great.
We get to see Maxine.

What?
You know Maxine too?

- Oh, we all know Maxine.
- Love.

Second best hugger in the world after
Mr. Burt Reynolds. Story to follow.

Guys, this will all be over in 90 seconds.
Hold your poses.

I really want to impress
Mr. Gorgeous.

Jarvis! Shut up!

Hey, Mitch,
I know this isn't a good time.

I just want you to know,
I'm really-

I know, Phil.
You're really sorry, okay?

But this is gonna take me
a little time to get over, all right?

Actually, I was gonna say I'm really
gonna need your parking pass.

What? Our
next stage presentation ...

will be
Alex Dunphyis interpretation ...

of Norman Rockwell's].943 painting
Freedom from Want.

How do you
sleep at night, Luke?

- With a medal around my neck.
- Shh!

I want turkey.
Lily, no!

She doesn't understand that word.
Cram it, Claire.

Control your child, Cam. it's not that difficult.
I've raised three.

Cam!

Why don't you ask Haley
what time she got home last night?

Uncle Cam! Sorry, dear.
Collateral damage.

- What is he talking about?
- Shh!

Your arms are shaking.
Oh, yeah.

I'm sure that the great
Maxine can do a better job!

You can criticize my parenting
all you like, Cam,

but my son just won a medal.

- For a fire he started.
- Luke, is that true?

- Ow!
- A y, how long? It's getting heavy.

You're not getting that parking pass back.
I tried to let you down easy.

You don't know how
to talk to people, Phil.

It's just like when Claire
didn't even know you dumped her.

What?
When did Dad dump you?

I didn't dump her.
I just tried to.

I am losing it!
Just a few more seconds!

I want turkey. Lily, no!

We really are
trying to not say that word.

B-minus.

But there was a silver lining.

"L expected more, Alex."

Alex!

I am gonna call Haley and tell her
we're not going to that deli.

I can't take
another minute of Cam.

You know, I'm not even sure I believe
all these new parenting theories,

but I'll be damned if I'm gonna
let her tell me they're wrong.

We are not
going to dinner.

I tried that sandwich.

It's not that good.
You're not missing anything.

I sure won't miss seeing
Luke and that stupid medal.

I play by the rules.
Where's my medal?

Jay can stay with that Maxine.
She's not loud, like me.

In fairness, you can be a
little quick to give advice.

Well, I'm always ready to help,
if that's what you mean, yeah.

Yeah, but if you're not careful, it can
come off a little ... know-it-all-y.

That's not a word.

What you mean to say is it can
come off like I know it all.

Have I always been this way? It's
why I wanted to break up with you.

The word "fired"
doesn't even apply.

You can't get fired
from a favor.

Okay, sweetie.
Maybe you should just let it go.

Like I always say, it's better
to carry a tune than a grudge.

Okay,
you never said that, but-

And what about this grudge
you're holding against Claire?

I don't see you
trading that in for a tune.

That is completely different. She
insulted my parenting skills.

Which, you have to admit, you
can be pretty defensive about.

Okay, so maybe we both
can be a little sensitive.

N-No, no.
Mm-mmm, no.

These are-
These are not equal.

No, you have no idea what
it feels like to be fired.

Yes, I do. I've been fired.
Everyone has.

Not me.

Never?
No. Nope.

I've always been very
good at what I do.

So then maybe
what you're feeling ...

is a little insecure about
your work for the first time.

That's hogwash.

As someone who's seen actual hogwash,
I can assure you that it's not.

I don't know why you're so
bothered by Maxine. She's nice.

Oh, good. Why don't you, Jay and Maxine
live together eating sandwiches forever?

Can I float
a theory here, Mom?

You sound like you're jealous.
A y, please.

Me, jealous of that woman?

I just don't like the way
they talk to each other.

And the little jokes, and she
knows everything about his life.

Just makes me
feel like, uh-

Is that jealous?

A y, my poor sisters.

Just you? I thought the whole
family was swinging by.

Who knows what they're doin'? Right now
they're all sniping at each other.

Ah, who needs 'em? Right. As
long as I have you, Maxine-

I'm off in five.
Hey, Luke.

What's with
all the hardware?

Well, he set fire to his school
and lied about it.

You know, they give medals for anything these days.
it's going back tomorrow.

He doesn't get
a lot of medals.

I just really need one of these today.

Don't hold back.
Ohh.

My girls.
There they are.

Hello, hello.

Hey, Cam. Hey!

Come on in.

- I, uh- I appreciate your coming.
- Yeah.

And again, I really, really-

Thank you.
Yeah.

Here she is. Look who made it.

Hola, Maxine.
So nice to see you.

Let me get you some menus.
We don't need it.

It's Jay Pritchetts
all around.

Gloria, if you want your sandwich
without anchovies, I won't be offended.

Ohh.

Course, then it'll
be a Jack Feldman.

Hey, have you ever gotten
a hug from Maxine?

Hey. Yeah?

- Hey, man.
- ls the repair guy here?

He's workin' on it.
Um-

Listen, uh, it's Katie's birthday-
Skip's assistant.

Big 3-0. Still no ring.

- You woke me up to tell me that?
- No. I grabbed you some cake.

Oh. Sure it's not
for employees only?

Okay, had that coming.

- Who are you talking to, Phil?
- Mitchell.

- Who?
- Mitchell, my bro- Uh, the lazy guy.

Who was
doing you a favor.

All right. Just give me the cake.
I'm hungry.

No!

Oh.

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