Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 24 - Baby on Board - full transcript

Jay and Manny are left to accompany Lily at her recital as Mitchell and Cameron bring Gloria along as translator as they adopt a Mexican child. Meanwhile, Haley has a surprise announcement about her plans after high school.

One, two, three, four.
And skip, two, three, four.

And turn, two, three, four.

I don't like this part.

Well, honey,
if you spot the wall,

then you won't get dizzy.
Here, watch daddy, okay?


How cool would it be

if you turned into wonder woman
right now?

Can't even talk about it.

Oh, it's the adoption agency.

Oh, my gosh.
It is?! It is?! It is?!

Cam, you need to stop doing that.

Last time,
they were just calling

to confirm our billing address.


- Uh-huh.
- "Uh-huh" what?


- Really?
- "Really" what?

That-- that mother
from Calexico, she picked us.

- She did?
- Uh-huh.

She-- she went into early labor.
She's having the baby today.

- She is?!
- Uh-huh.

We have to go to Calexico
right now.

- We do?! - Just assume
everything I say is the truth.

Okay, yeah.

Okay. Oh, okay, yes.

Well, thank you so much.
Okay, bye.

Um... we're getting
a baby today.

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!


Wait, wait, wait. What do we do
about Lily's recital?

Um... well, you know what?
We'll-- we'll just sit her down.

We'll-- we'll tell her. We'll--
We'll give her a popsicle.

- She'll be fine.
- Yeah, l--

- We have to do this.
- Okay, okay. Yeah, you're right

um, all right, I'm gonna go
dig up the old car seat.

And listen, let's just...

Take a deep breath
before we tell anyone, okay?


Jay! Manny! Good news!

Mitch and Cam are getting
a new baby today!

How's that giant fence
working out for ya?

It's Claire.


Did you hear?

Hey, Claire.

You are driving to
some California border town

to adopt a baby, and I have
to hear about it from Gloria?

I was outside for two minutes.

I kept it in as long as I could.

We're having a baby!

Oh, my God.
Oh, ho ho ho!

What the heck is that?

We're back.

- We got Alex the cutest prom dress.
- Show your dad.


Well, I don't like
how far down that zipper goes,

but on the plus side,
it looks water-resistant.

I can't believe Haley's not
going to the prom and Alex is.

What's that supposed to mean?

I know I keep saying it, Haley,
but you should be going.

It's a major moment
in a teenager's life,

and you're missing it.

Proms are lame. It's just
an excuse for dressed up dorks

to ride in limos
and hump each other.

Okay. Now I don't like the idea
of Alex going.

Sweetie, I think we're fine.
It's-- it's Alex.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you're a geek.

You know what?
You know what?

I might just go crazy tonight

and-- and-- and hook up
all over him.



Why are you laughing?
That's not funny.

I'm not even gonna
wear my glasses!


- I feel better now.
- Mm.

All right,
I'm going to the mall.

Um, we need to talk, honey.

We're worried about you.

You haven't heard back

from the college
that wait-listed you,

and all the rest
of your friends have.

And now you're just
wasting time at the mall.

For your information,

I've already filled out
and dropped off

my community college

And plus also

I'm going to the mall
because I have a job interview.

- What?
- Really?

My guidance counselor suggested
I take a gap year.

You know, a year between
high school and college

were you take some courses,
have some life experiences,

and get inspired.

And obviously, work at the GAP.

The first step
in plane building--

Organize the parts.

You got your power plant.
You got your fuselage.

You got your control surfaces.

What's that?

A charcuterie.

You got your prosciutto,
your pancetta, your salami.

That's charcuterie?

I've been avoiding that
on menus for years.

They're killing
themselves with that name.

They're here!
They're here!

- Hi!
- Hi!

Thank you so much for doing
this. Thank you. Thank you.

- Of course.
- Okay, so her recital's at 6:00.

That's the address.
Here's her outfit.

- Mm-hmm.
- This is our camcorder.

Get the whole show
and some backstage color.

Guys, you wanna take
our charcuterie for the road?

Bup, bup, bup, bup.
They're good. We may need that.


Yeah, um...

H-hold on one second.

I think it's the baby's family.
They're speaking Spanish. I--

Hola, soy Cameron. ?C?mo est??

Uh, b-- Excuse me. Could you s--

Could you slow down
just a little bit?

What does fren?tico mean?

- It's when--
- Or just let her do it.

- Yeah. There you go.
- Okay. Hello?

S?, s?. Yo los puedo ayudar...

I was doing fine.

He thinks
he's some sort of an expert

because for the past two weeks,
he's been watching

this ridiculous
Spanish soap opera.

"Fire And Ice"?
Don't say a word

about the ending
of last night's episode.

G-Gloria watches that.
You'll ruin it.

S?. Van a estar esperando su
llamada, much?simas gracias.


- It was the mother's sister Juanita.
- Yeah.

She said that she doesn't know
the exact hospital yet,

but that she will call you,
like, in the next hour.

Oh, thank you, Gloria.
I-I hate to ask this of you,

but would you mind
coming with us?

We need someone who actually
knows how to speak Spanish.

Fr?o. Muy fr?o.

Ay, yes, of course! I would
love to! Thank you! Thank you!

I'm gonna grab my stuff,
and we go, okay?

All right, sweetheart.
All right, come here.


- Daddies gotta go, okay?
- All right.

Okay, we're so sorry we're
missing your recital, sweetie.

But you know what?

You're getting
a brand-new baby brother!

- Cam, come on. Come on.
- Mwah!

Okay. All right,
breathe, breathe, breathe.

Ciao, Jay! Ciao, Manny!
I see you later, okay?

What just happened here?

I have to go to the bathroom.

- She's talking to you.
- You wanna take that?

Always keep the rhythm
in your feet.

Then we're gonna add

just a little party
in the shoulders. All right?

Now let's get those arms going.

No, no, no. Arms down here says,
"I'm white and I'm sorry,"

but arms up here says,
"You don't know what I am."

I-I don't.

You're never gonna believe it!
You're never gonna believe it!

You're never gonna believe it!

Guess who got a job!
I did!

Oh, shoot. I just told you.

- Oh! Honey, congratulations!
- That's amazing!

You got a job!

And what is all this?

I stopped by the grocery store
to get some stuff for dinner.

You know where
the grocery store is?

Yes, mother.

I'm celebrating by making dinner
for me and Dylan tonight.

Would you and dad
like to join us?

- What's happening?
- I don't know.

Tonight at dinner,

I'm telling my parents
the biggest news of all.

After graduation,
I'm moving in with someone.

And his name is me.

Watch me dance.

Honey, you don't need
to practice anymore.

The turning, the jumping,
the little bird thing--

You've got it.

What's this?

Sweetie, please don't play
with the pieces.

I've told you,
they're very delicate.

What are you building?

It's a model of a plane that
was built for Amelia Earhart.


Because she wanted to fly
around the world.


Because she problem needed
to get away from her kids.

- Why?
- You know how to stop this?

I'm on it.

Lily, we really need you
to let us concentrate

for a few minutes, okay?

Your hair is weird.

Um, now I'm flustered.

Oh, you look adorable!

"Adorable"? I'm not a puppy.

Oh, honey, it was meant
as a compliment.

Claire, I got this.
Honey, you look super sexy.


Well, we tried everything.

Oh, good-bye!

Wait! Wait, wait!

We wanna meet this Casanova.

Oh, no, parents aren't really
his scene.

Alex, open the door.
We are going to get a picture.


You... look... flawless.


Did I not say
coral was the color for you?

Look what it does
for your skin.

- Hi!
- Hi, buddy.


Yes, my bad boy prom date
is gay.

He just doesn't know it yet,

so I'm basically his beard.


His stubble.

Okay, say "cheese"!


Okay, now one with flash.

- Cheese.
- Cheese!

Okay, I think you got
the picture.

Well, you guys have fun.

Do you want me to
touch up your hair, honey?

Oh, no, I'm good.

Ay, please stop driving
the car like a snake.

It's making me nauseating.

Well, uh, if you want
to switch places,

there's plenty of room
to stretch out back here.

Yeah, that's why we traded our
old prius in for the new one.

You know, bigger family,
bigger backseat.

You can fit two car seats

and a prize-winning pig
back there.

Please don't put a pig in
the backseat with our children.

I'm not being literal.

It's a unit of measurement
we used on the farm.

You know, like,
"that bed's a double-pigger."

Oh, uh, sorry. Maybe think
about something else.

You know, I missed
"Fire And Ice" on Monday.

What happened?

My guess is
a bunch of ridiculous plot turns

done by overwrought actors who
are impossibly good-looking.

- Don't listen to him.
- Nothing, really.

Antonio hired a hooker
to marry his father

so that he can
get back the money,

but the hooker ended up being
his long lost sister,

the former beauty queen.

Oh. Well, I stand uncorrected.

Ay, please just drive

Oh, sorry.
Are my pinkies up again?

I-- They do that
when I get excited.

Down, girls!

Well, Alex should be hitting
the dance floor right about now.

Must be fun.

Really, dad, let it go.

I'm sorry, sweetie.
I'm just sad you're missing it.

I can still totally picture
my prom night.

My date was Angela Wilkins.

My dad dressed as a limo driver
and spoke with a British accent.

He even announced our arrival.

"Sir Philliam Dunphy

and the Lady Wilkins!"

- Ahem.
- All the cool kids

were totally laughing with us.

Oh, I'm just so glad
we met after that.


- Me, too.
- Mhmm.

Wonder what ever happened
to Angela?

You don't know?

I haven't seen her
in over 20 years,

but that's what's special
about prom.

No matter what...

The Lady Wilkins and I

will always have that night.

Wow. Hmm.

Oh, no, no, no! We got this.

- We'll clean.
- Oh. Uh...

- Oh.
- You're cleaning up?

What kind of day is this?

Cam and Mitch get a new son,
we get a new daughter.

That was really fun, you guys.

- Yes.
- Yeah,

and next time,
we'll just do it at our place.

I'm in.
Just give me a heads-up.

"Our place"? What? What?

Um, well,

since I have a job now

and I'm going
to community college,

uh, Dylan and I were thinking
that, you know,

we would get
an apartment together.

- What?
- Are you doing sex?

Luke, can we have a minute,

- Um...
- Listen...

I know that you're concerned,

but I'm designing t-shirts now,
and they're gonna be huge.

Also medium and small.

Dylan, would you excuse us
for a moment

so we can talk to Haley?

Sure, but you stay. I'll go.


Uh, uh, buenos noches.

Uh, uh, we're looking for...
Uh, English?

Uh, well, Juanita.
We're looking for Juanita.

- ?Hola!
- Hi.

Mitchell y Cameron?

Ah, she says,
"Hello, Mitch and Cameron."

I think we got that.

Ay, you brought me here.

El beb? naci? hace media hora y se
encuentra perfectamente de salud.

Siete libras con cuatro onzas.

Es hermoso, tiene el pelo grueso
y los ojos grandes y cafecitos.

Ay, ?qu? bueno!

Did you get that, too?

Yeah, a lot of it. Mm-hmm.

Just... Just tell us.

The baby was born half-hour ago,
that he's in perfect health.

He was 7 pounds, 4 ounces,
with thick hair and brown eyes.

That's so good!

So good.


Padre. ?qu? hace usted ac??

Ven ac?.

- Vengo con un serio aviso, mi ni?a.
- Perdone.

Gloria, what's going on?

I don't know. The priest comes
with great warning.

That can't be good.

Shh! Something about
the grandmother. She's sick.


- But now she's better.
- Oh.

- And now she knows!
- Knows what?

T?. T? hiciste esto.

T? le dijiste a mi abuela
acerca del beb?.

- ?Por qu? har?a yo tal cosa?
- Porque Carlos me escogi? a m?...

en vez de a ti como su amante.

What was that for?!

The nurse stole
her grandmother's almonds.

No, the nurse is mad at Juanita
because Juanita stole her lover,

and Juanita is mad at the nurse

because the nurse told
the grandmother about the baby!

- Our baby?
- Our baby?

We're both thinking it.
I'm just gonna say it.

Lily's dance is not
up to the standard

of what we just saw.

In my head,
I'm golfing right now.

Hi, Mr. Pritchett?
I'm Lily's dance teacher Lucy.

We have a little bit
of an issue.

Lily doesn't want to perform.

Oh, the poor thing.

- You get the kid, I'll get the car.
- Oh, no.

It's really important for Lily's
self-esteem that she go on.

I think one of you
should talk to her.

You know she stinks, right?

And I think it should be you.


Your teacher tells me you don't
want to dance. Is that true?

But you were so good
back at the house

when you were practicing.

I wanna go home, to my house.

Ah, to your house, huh?

Are you sad your dads
aren't here?

Yeah. Well, I know
they're sad to miss this,

but they're getting you
that baby brother.

That's good, right?

You know, honey,

your dads are gonna
love you just as much

when you get this brother.
Trust me.

I first had your aunt Claire,
and then your dad came along,

and I loved them just the same,

no matter what he tells you.

You believe me?

Close enough.

So what do you say?

You gonna go out there
and dance for everybody?


Honey, there must be something
I can do to get you out there.

Come dance with me, grandpa.

No, honey,
that's not gonna happen.

How about I give you 50 bucks?

I don't see
why I can't do this.

I'm totally
getting my life together.

Uh, allow me, if you will,

to paint an accurate picture
of this life

- yeah.
- ...You think you want, okay?

Um, at first, it's a blast--

Buying a dish rack,

hanging a sheet up
to turn one room into two.

Allen-wrenching a bookcase
called a Nurnk...


Because you couldn't afford
the Sklurg.

But then...

Then those bills start
rolling in...

So you gotta pick up
some extra shifts.

- Yeah.
- And suddenly...

Uh-oh, what's that?
You're pregnant.

Should've been safe.

Ooh, and you're stressed
and exhausted.

You've got a garage filled
with unsold huge t-shirts.

And, honey, if you think
this kind of stress

is not gonna take its toll
on that body and that face,

think again.

Good-bye, beautiful skin.

Farewell, silky hair.

And hello,
Alex's hand-me-downs,

'cause you can't afford
to shop.

- Good one.
- Mm-hmm.

Do you think that this
is gonna work out?


Well, for my parents, I mean.

For you?



I just wanna live with Haley
so bad.

It's like, I missed all
this time with her in Wyoming.

Then I thought I was gonna
lose her again to college.

Don't worry. I got your back,
buddy. That's not gonna happen.

What does that mean?

Dylan, shut the door.

The bedroom door.

Excuse me. Excuse me.


We're very confused.

Can somebody please
just tell us what's happening?

Somebody told the grandmother
about the baby,

and she wasn't supposed to know.

If you ask me,
it was the sexy priest.


It wasn't the priest.

It was me.

Eduardo! Oh!

Ay! Ay!
Oh! What's happening?

Yes, I am alive.

And I may be just a ranch hand,

but I'm the one that told
your abuela about the baby.

I told her because
I swore to your mother

to look after your family.

Your mother...

Was my lover.


Ay, wait a minute. Now I go
from English to Spanish.

Que ?l no est? muerto...

C-can we please
just see our baby?


- ?Abuela?
- ?Abuela?

?C?mo te atreves a
ocultar esto de m??

El beb? es mi familia,

y no va a ser
educado por extra?os.

She's saying that she's going
to raise the baby.



Guess what?
Suddenly, you're 60 years old,

wandering toothless and alone
in a postapocalyptic wasteland.

Wait a second. How did Dylan
get the nuclear codes again?

During the robot wars.

Okay, I think your father
might have gotten

a little bit off-track here.
Honey, listen, the point is,

the choices you make today--

No, no, the point is, is that it
doesn't have to turn out so bad.

She's right.

It doesn't. Luke?

This came yesterday.

What is it?

It's from that college.

You got in, Haley.

- Oh, d--
- Oh, my God.

- You got into college?
- What?!

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Aah!
- That's amazing!


It came yest--

Luke, why were you hiding this?

I don't know.

Do you not want her to go
to college?

I don't care.

Aw! You're gonna miss me!

Shut up! I am not! I'm never
telling you anything again.

Sorry, little dude,
but she's gotta go to college,

even if that means
that she can't live with me.

Oh, Dylan.

Could you do one thing
for me, though?

Could you take me to your prom?

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, if you go off to college
and you don't come back here,

I want you to remember me.
I wanna be your Angela Wilkins.


- Mom?
- Yes.

Can I borrow that purple dress
I said you were too old for?

Mm, in spite of that,
yeah. Yeah.

- Hey, buddy.
- Mr. D.

Do you have a tuxedo
I could borrow?

Yeah, sure. I mean,
it's the tux I got married in,

so it's double-breasted.

Perfect. So am I.


I'm going to get something
for my stomach.

Oh, come on, swipe.


M-Mitchell, I need your help.

It won't swipe, and I'm in
no condition to "see cashier."




Where are you going?!

I'm just sick of it, Cam.

Mitchell. Mitchell, come back
here and talk to me.

There are coyotes out here
and-- and meth addicts!

Every time, Cam.

Every time someone says
that we're getting a-a baby,

I get my hopes up and then...

And then when it all
falls apart, I...

We just have to go through
the whole thing again.

And then meanwhile,
the child that we do have

is-- is at a recital,
and-- and we're missing it.

I know.

I'm as frustrated as you are.

Are you?
Because I-I don't--

I don't know how much more
of this I can take.

I am-- I am so tired

and-- and just disappointed.

And... I'm just tired.

Then let's take a break.


It must be exhausting,

always keeping it together
for the both of us.


And I'm tired, too.

I think I'm lying on a rock.

I'm lying next to my rock.

There's certain moments in life

that you never forget,

like when I held Manny in my
arms for the very first time.

I was nervous. I didn't know
what I was doing.

What do you think?

- You guys look amazing.
- Oh, our little girl!

And I was so excited
to see him grow up.

- Bye, sweetie.
- Have fun, man.

She's asleep.

I tell you, kid,
I'm too old for this.

You and me both.

And the more he becomes
the little man I know today,

the more I know I would
do it all over again...

Which is good, because I'm
going to do it all over again.

Turns out
that I wasn't carsick.

I'm pregnant.

Okay, Luke,

- let's see what else you've
been hiding from us. - Okay, fine.

Here's a bill for the birdhouse
I blew up at the Dude Ranch.

You blew up a birdhouse?

Let's hold all questions
until the end.

Here's dad's jury duty thing for
the day we went to Disneyland.

I didn't want you to
cancel the trip.

Good call.

Here's a coupon
for a gun range for mom.

I don't know what that's about.

I don't know either. It's...

- Report card.
- Mm-hmm.

Report card.

Notice from the city
to take down the tree house

or be fined $25 a day...

Report card.

Red light ticket from when
me and Manny stole that...