Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - When Good Kids Go Bad - full transcript

Mitch and Cam plan a nice evening with the whole family to break the happy news that they're looking to adopt another child. However their parade is rained on when they realize Lily may not take well to another baby in the house. Meanwhile, Claire and Jay are each consumed with proving a certain point.


Okay, let's see.

Could you grab me
an extra-virgin-

I think one's enough for the sacrifice.
Olive oil, Phil.

Come on. That's funny.

Oh, it's funnier than your
freestyle sandwich rap.

Girl, you crazy.

I'm mad fun to shop with.

# Trapped in between
two whole wheat slices #

# Pastrami and Swiss
are my only vices #

Sweetie, my shoe.
Come on. Geez. God.

Hello.

Hi. Oh, roadblock. Sorry.

Beep, beep. Hah, hah. Pardon me.

Are you okay? Oh!

Actually, not okay.
Not okay.

Honey. Did you pull
from the bottom again?

So after hors d'oeuvres, we'll bring
everyone in here to share the news.

We're having the family over
tomorrow night ...

to tell them we're planning
on adopting a new baby.

Yes, and we both agreed to go a little more
low-key with the announcement this time.

# Let's hear it for the boy
Ah, let's give- #

Okay, just to be clear- This is low-key?

It's a banner and just some light
musical accompaniment, Mitchell.

I don't have a lower key.

Besides,
this is a happy occasion.

Am I right, Lily? Aren't you
excited to get a new baby brother?

No. I hate the baby.

We are having a slight issue ...

getting Lily on board
with the adoption.

"L hate the baby."
"No new baby."

"I want to make the baby dead."

I thought we weren't
gonna share that one.

L-I just hope that the problem is she
hasn't spent much time with any babies.

So we thought it would be
a great idea ...

to show her how much fun
it'll be to have one around.

Oh, he is so cute. Yeah,
and he never cries.

Literally never.
it's actually a little weird.

Oh, no, that's not weird. My sister was
born with a full set of teeth. Yeah.

That never happened.
No? Really?

You should've seen her crib. It
looked like beavers lived there.

Oh, is this Lily?

Oh, yes, it is. Hey, honey.
Say hi to the baby.

- My daddy!
- Oh!

Okay. Well,
that's one problem solved.

# Hey, hey #

# Hey ##

Bye! See you soon.

Or never.

Cam, I'm a little freaked out
about what Lily did.

Oh, please.
She barely touched him ...

and he went from zero
to big crybaby.

We're talking about bringing
another child into this house.

How's that gonna work with Lily
being so possessive of you?

Why am I hearing
an accusatory tone?

Oh, come on. You have to admit
that you do coddle her.

I will not apologize
for loving our daughter.

I'm not criticizing.

I'm not only criticizing,

but we did talk about giving
Lily a little more independence.

Yeah, which is why
we put her in preschool.

Yes, but you can't bear to leave her there.
You always pick her up early.

That is ridiculous.
Okay, okay.

Lily, honey.

Did Daddy pick you up
early from preschool today?

- No.
- Case closed.

We didn't go.

- Case opened.
- We went shopping.

That's enough.

We bought matchy hats.

You are going
to your room.

You're both going to her room.

Do we spend
a lot of time together? Yes.

Do we have a special bond?
Absolutely.

But do I coddle her more
than any other loving parent?

Mm-hmm.

It's possible.

And for Lily's sake,
I should probably work on that.

No, you calm down!

This is how I talk when somebody
accuses my Manny of stealing!

Who is that?
it's the principal.

He's saying that Manny stole
some girl's locket.

What? You think that all
Colombians are criminals ...

because the Colombian necktie is a
symbol of violence all over the world?

Oh, no,
I'm not threatening you.

Okay, apology accepted.

No, I didn't mean anything
about the necktie.

I just- I was trying
to make a point.

Could you "L"
a little less "O-L"?

Don't you see what
I'm trying to do here?

Die alone? Girls, dinner!

Why does Luke get his own room and I still have
to share with you? I can't take it anymore.

Me either. Even if it is just for one
more year, when I leave for college.

Is it one more year, or when
you'll leave for college?

Because those happen to be
two different things.

Uh-

So I hear this little voice
coming from the cans,

and it's like, "Help!
I fell in the peaches!"

It's Mom.

Hilarious. So hilarious.
I'm, like, "Claire?"

You might want to tell them that it was you who
pushed me into the peaches in the first place.

This again.
I wasn't even near you.

Yes, you were. You knocked
me with the cart.

It was completely
your fault.

Well, let's just
agree to disagree.

No, I-l disagree
to disagree.

Then you agree.

No. No, I don't,
because I'm right.

Okay, Claire.
You're right.

- As usual.
- No, I am right.

Like always.
Stop it.

When I am wrong, I admit it.

Which is never.

Fine. Fine.

You're a little jumpy tonight, Manny.
Anything wrong? No.

Well, I'm just gonna-
Have a seat, kid.

You know, maybe it's me, but I thought
you were kind of squirrelly tonight-

you know, before, when your mom was
on the phone with the principal.

Almost like you wanted to say
something, but you just couldn't.

Anything you want to say now,
Manny?

No.
I got nothing to say.

You sure about that?

Think real hard.

Could I get
a glass of water?

That girl's locket.
You took it, didn't you?

Um-
Didn't you?

Yes. Yes, I took it.
I didn't mean to.

I don't want to hear
any excuses.

You're gonna tell your mom, and you're
gonna set this right, you understand?

All right, get outta here.

Just one more thing.

You're not, uh-

You're not wearing
that locket, are you?

No, of course not. it's a girl's.
Why would I want to wear it?

No reason.

Mom, hurry up. I
don't want to be late for school.

You didn't
tell her, did you?

Ay. What's the hurry
this morning?

Okay, what's with the looks?
it's like a silent movie in here.

Okay. I was walking behind this
girl, Alisha, who was moving away,

and I was working up the courage to get
her new address so I can write her.

I express myself a lot better
on paper than- Ticktock, kid.

Well, she dropped her locket, and I picked
it up, but she kept walking, and I-

You stole the locket.

After I told the principal that you could
have never done something like that,

and I threaten him
with the Colombian necktie!

Manny, why?

Don't worry. It wasn't
'cause he wanted to wear it.

I thought I could keep it
as something to remember her by.

But then you were yelling
at Mr. Vickers, and ...

I was just too scared
to tell you.

Go to the car.
I'm really sorry.

Go.

Why would he do
something like that?

It's bad enough that he's the
boy with the pan ?ute ...

and the puffy shirts
and-and the poems.

Now he's the jewelry thief.

Might be an upgrade.
Ay, Jay, this is not funny.

Those things stick to you.

My cousin Rosa Marina, when she
was]4, she stole something,

and after that, everybody thinks of
her as the girl who steals cars.

She stole a car?
Cars.

But after she got that label,
what else could she do?

Listen, you can't control what kids think,
but you can make sure he learns from this.

You take him to
the principal's office.

He owns up to it.
He never does it again.

Okay, okay.

But what was he thinking?

This is not even real gold.

No way, Haley! It was my idea!
I'm taking this room!

Over my dead body!

This is going to be my room, and
there's nothing you can do about it!

Seriously?

What are you guys
fighting about?

Okay, so we both think that this would
make a totally awesome bedroom.

But only one of us can have it.
Don't you think it should be me?

Oh, so not. It should
be me, right, Luke?

Why do you guys want to
move into the attic?

Oh, you mean the penthouse?

With all the privacy of being
on its very own floor?

It is kinda cool.

I'm not an idiot.
I knew what they were up to.

But I've been wanting to move
for a while.

There's a line of ants going to a
trick or treat bag in my closet,

and I don't want to still be there
when they get tired of candy.

Good morning, princess.
Good morning, Lily.

That's very adorable, Mitchell, but
I'm having kind of a rough morning.

Daddy, up.

I'm sorry, Lily.
Those days are over.

Now, here's your lunch.
Go get your bag.

We will be leaving shortly.

Cam, you don't have to
ice her out completely.

Do you think
I'm enjoying this?

But I need her to detach from me
before the new thing comes,

or who knows
what she'll do to it.

Why are you saying "thing"
instead of "baby"?

Kill new baby.

Oh.

Um, look,
I-l know this is hard,

but I really appreciate
what you're doing.

And believe me, I take no pleasure
in seeing you suffer like this.

I take a little pleasure.

No, but there are very few parenting
issues where I come out on top.

You know, I'm distant.
I work too much.

My French braiding is "sloppy."

Finally, you know,
something that isn't my fault.

Ready- Okay.

Could you please just go put her in
her car seat while I compose myself?

Right. You know what, Cam? Why don't I just
take Lily to preschool on my way to work?

I think that would be best. Let me just
whip up a smoothie for you before you go.

I push the buttons, Daddy.

You certainly do.

What do you think the
principal's going to do to me?

I am a first-time offender.

Oh, great, now I'm tardy.
Strike two.

Manny, think of this
in a positive way.

Like it is your "ha-ha" moment.
What does that mean?

That means that one day
you're gonna laugh about it.

I should have just gave that
stupid necklace back to Alisha ...

when she was standing
right next to her locker.

This is the
worst day of my life.

Till tomorrow,
and every day after that.

Come on, Morn.
Let's just get this over with.

Wait.

What? Which one did you say
that it was her locker?

- This one?
- Mm-hmm. The one that smells like rose oil.

Mom?

Keep the lookout.

Now promise me that you will never
ever do anything dishonest again.

I promise. Okay, because that's
not the way I raised you.

Don't tell Jay anything, okay?
Mm-mmm.

All right, Lily.
Hi, Lily.

Hi.
Have fun, sweetheart.

Bye.
She is so sweet.

Oh, thanks. Well, you
should've seen her yesterday.

Yeah. She pushed
a baby off of Cam's lap.

Huh.
I know, I know.

She is so possessive
of him.

But, Cam's really working on trying
not to coddle her so much, so-

Mm-hmm. I'm not really
sure it's about coddling.

Sounds more like
a sharing issue.

You know, we've noticed
Lily has a hard time with that.

Really?
I wouldn't worry.

Kids usually pick that habit up
from other kids.

Except the ones who pick it up
from their parents.

We have a few of those in here.

Of course, I can't share
those names with you.

Until I get a glass of wine in my hand.

Oh. Oh, Miss Elaine.

I have been told that I might have
the teensiest issue with sharing.

But is that something
Lily would even pick up on?

My chicken.

My pillow.
Ow.

Daddy's pen.
Crayons.

Okay, it's possible, and I suppose for
Lily's sake, I-l should work on that.

Yeah, privately.
Because right now,

we really need to get Cam's
coddling problem under control.

What's going on?
Moving into the attic.

Give me a day or two to get
settled, and I'll have you up.

When did all this happen?
Depends on who you ask.

My plan's been in motion
for three weeks.

Honey, this is a terrible idea.
You're gonna hate it up there.

Morn, stay out of this.

Yeah, we all have our own rooms now.
Everybody wins.

Well, don't get too
comfortable in there, girls.

Luke, it's cold
and it's scary up there.

You're gonna be back in your
own room by tomorrow night.

I don't know, Claire.
It's got a lot of potential.

This is a lot nicer than the
attic I lived in when we met.

One night, if that.
Trust me on this.

Oh, yes, because
you are always right.

Sweetheart,
I would love to be wrong.

I just don't live with the
right people for that.

Let it go, kids.
She's not gonna budge.

Kept me up all night with-
Phil, you did push me!

Your word against mine. Guess it's one
of those things we'll just never know.

Like what really happened
to the Titanic.

It hit an iceberg.

Maybe.
Mmm, there's no maybe.

Oh, you're right, Claire.

- Again.
- Surprise, surprise.

Okay, I will see you
over at Uncle Mitchell's.

I'm going to skip this meeting
of the "pile on Claire club."

Guess I pushed her
into that pile too.

I spend half my life
waiting on you.

How many times do you
have to change your outfit?

Sorry, Jay. Too many
choices is a prison.

Just drive before
he rethinks the pants.

What's wrong with my pants?
Go, go, go.

So Manny, how'd it go
with the principal today?

It was terrible. But he was
brave, and now it's over.

Right, Manny?
Mm-hmm.

So- What'd they give you?
Detention? Suspension?

No, just a warning,
because it was first offense.

So how's work?
Great.

Just a warning, huh?
Like she said.

So I ask about work,
and you change the subject.

Are you trying to hide
something?

No. I just want to make sure he's okay.
You okay?

'Cause, I mean, it looks like you're
sweatin' bullets back there, kid.

Stop grilling him. First
the principal, now you.

This poor boy is being
screamed at all day.

Well, now-
Quiet! I've got this.

Where is Lily?

Um, she's getting dressed.
All by herself?

Cam is encouraging her to
be more independent. Oh.

And there she is!

Ahh!

Doesn't she look beautiful?

Oh.
Mm-hmm.

She looks like she was dipped in glue
and dragged through a ?ea market.

Hey!

Hey. Hey, guys.

How's it goin'?

Hey, do you guys have
any old furniture?

I'm moving into the attic.
The attic?

Hey, at least it's big.

Grandpa said you used to
live in a closet. Oh, okay.

Well, you know what? Yeah, we'll absolutely
find you something for sure, okay?

My daddy!
Lily, no!

I'm sorry, Luke.
This isn't over.

Oh, my God, Mitchell.
She's getting worse.

I have turned her into a pushy
little entitled monster ...

on her way to a rap sheet
and a bracelet on her ankle.

Oh, she has a bracelet
on her ankle. Cam-

Cam, this might not be entirely
your fault. No, it is.

I spoke with Lily's teacher, and she thinks
that she may have a problem with sharing,

which she might
have gotten from-

You. You don't
like to share.

No, I do it to
make a point sometimes.

Like, if you want the chicken,
then order the chicken.

Wait, when did you talk
to Lily's teacher?

Uh, today when I- when I
dropped her off at school.

And you let me suffer
all day?

Look. W-We can't do this
with everybody here.

Can we please just
get through the evening?

Yes, but we are not making
the announcement tonight,

because that is a joyful thing, and I
am not feeling very joyful right now.

Well, I share your feeling.
l-

Just so you know, I'm onto you.

You never took Manny
to the principal.

Okay, play it like that.
But I know Manny.

He has more of a conscience
than you have.

He's not gonna be able
to live with this.

You'd be surprised what
people can live with, Jay.

Hi, Miss Lily.

How's my big girl doing?
Good.

Can you tell me
how old you are now?

Three!

Well, that's four.
This is three.

Okay, show me again.
How old are you?

Three.

No, that many is four.
This many is three.

Don't argue, Lily. You'll never win.
Really, Phil?

Okay, I-l was going to wait
until we got home for this.

But now I think it's something
everyone's gonna enjoy. Guys-

Everybody, come on down
to the TV room.

I've got something
really special to share.

Okay, how's everybody
on drinks?

If this is Alex's graduation
again, just leave me the bottle.

I'm good, Cam.

Okay, everybody, showtime.

Oh, my gosh.
it's us at the market.

- Uh-huh. Yeah, it's security camera footage.
- How did you-

I don't understand. What are we watching?
It ain't The Godfather.

Okay, look.
I fell yesterday at the market.

Phil and I have been having a little
disagreement as to what happened.

Just watch.
Okay, right here.

I stop to fix my shoe, and
then Phil- Right there. Okay.

He makes way for this
very attractive woman,

whom he conveniently leaves out
of his retelling of the story.

Now, right here, Phil backs up, pushes his
butt into the cart, pushes me into the cans.

Do you see that?
it's all his fault!

Just like I said!
I was right! Suck it!

When did you get this?
Oh, my God.

That's why you wanted
to come separately.

You went to all that trouble
just to prove you were right?

It really wasn't
that much trouble.

I went to the store, found your friend
Jordan, the bag boy, who got me the manager.

He gave me the address of
the off-site security office.

I filled out some paperwork.
Sally faxed it to corporate.

Three minutes later, I'm buying a pack
of DVDs and burning a copy. Cake.

It's like a sickness.

What? None of you believed
me, so I got proof.

You should all be sucking it
right now.

Ay, please stop with the "sucking it," Claire.
They're children.

Yes, children are very impressionable.
You'll never know what they'll pick up.

Okay, Cam, I'm sorry that I
blamed it all on you, okay?

But we both need to
look at our actions.

I mean, if we're thinking about
adopting another baby, then we need to-

- You're adopting another kid?
- That's not the way you make an announcement!

- Banners! Banners!
- Thank you, but it's not a-

# Ah, let's give the boy a hand #
Oh, wow.

What the hell's
happening here?

Is that from Footloose?

- # Let's hear it for my babdy #
- Really, Mitchell?

You couldn't even share telling
your family.

- It's fine.
- Why are you upset? This is such good news.

No, we're a little on edge because
Lily has been acting out,

like she doesn't want
a sibling-

Yeah, because Mitchell
taught her to hate sharing.

And, or, because Cam wears her
like a fanny pack.

Oh, stop blaming each other.
No kid wants a sibling.

I mean, Claire hated you so much, she
stuck you in a dryer when you were two.

You put me in the dryer?

I did. But it wasn't
'cause I hated you.

My friend Marcie said that it wouldn't run
with a kid inside it, and I knew it would.

- I was right.
- Good governor.

It's been going on
since you were five?

Oh, my God, it is a sickness.
Yeah.

What would make me have
that need at such a young age?

How long was I in that dryer?
Because-

I-Is this why I'm
afraid of tumbling?

I had to quit gymnastics,
Claire!

A childhood without tumbling?
Oh.

You knew this, and just
stood by and did nothing?

Okay, okay.
What's done is done.

All you can do is
learn from your mistakes.

And in that spirit, I would like
to propose a toast to Manny.

This week, he did something he wasn't
supposed to do, like we all do-

Like we all do!
Salud to Manny.

Not yet.

But Manny stood up
like a man.

He admitted he was wrong, and he took his licks.
And I'm damn proud of him.

- Ah, now we clink.
- No, we clink when I say we clink.

So Manny made a mistake, but he
didn't take the easy way out.

He's got guts. He's got integrity. And
as far as I'm concerned, he's the best-

Okay, stop, stop!
I didn't do any of that!

Mom broke into the locker and threw the necklace
inside, and then we ran away like cowards!

I'm sorry, Jay! I'm sorry!
I knew it.

I was right! I was right!

Ohhhh.

Okay. Yup.

Who is it?

Oh, hi, honey.
Just me.

Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm great.

So how are you liking
your new digs?

I know you told me that
I'd be cold- Mm-hmm.

And scared, but I'm not.
Mm-hmm.

No, I can see that. I was wrong.

You were.
Yeah.

Well, you're gonna hate this
then, honey,

but I'm gonna need you to go back down
and sleep in your old room.

I just- I'm worried
if you get something so cool ...

this early in your life,

you're not gonna have anything
to look forward to later.

I have to go now?

You can spend the rest of the
night here, if you want. Oh, no.

If it's so important to you,
I'll go now.

You should come too.

Something sleeps over there.

Wait for me. Wait.
Wait for me. Wait for me.

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