Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Phil on Wire - full transcript

Phil tries to learn tightrope walking, Haley and Alex wind up in the same math class, Gloria becomes upset over Jay's pampering of the dog, and Mitchell joins Cameron on a juice fast.


Jay.

- Jay?
- What? What's wrong?

You're snoring.

Me? Oh, I'm sorry. I...

Look at her!

Come on. We said no
Stella in the bed.

Oh, but she's just
a little puppy.

She probably got
scared and snuck in.

Oh, really? How come
when Manny has nightmares

you don't let him
snuck in the bed?

Gloria, it's 6:00 in the morning.
Can we talk about this later?

Answer the question, Jay.

You know, I'm gonna
check the lease,

but I'm pretty sure we're
not allowed to have a meth lab.

You are a delight.

So what are you doing?

I think you're gonna like this.
I'm going on a juice fast.

Mmm. Love it.

Hate it. Let's face it,

a well-fed Cam is hardly
a model of emotional stability.

Now deprive him of food,
and stage by stage,

it's a slow descent
into madness.

Stage one-- the clean sweep.

Poison.

Poison.

Poison.

Do you think that this is
the best week to be doing this?

- Why not? - Well, we have that
charity thing at my boss' house.

Oh, so what, I'm supposed to
put off my quest for wellness

until we're no longer
socially in demand?

That will never happen.
I'm too charismatic.

No. No. Not the cookies.

Of course the cookies.

Why do you always
want me to fail?

Stage two-- attack Mitchell.

Because when his diet
crashes and burns

into a giant pile of Nutella,

I'm the one he's gonna blame.

Well, no, not this time.

You know what? I'm gonna
do the fast with you.

I think it's a great idea,
and we should do it together

so we're on the same team,
you know, us versus food.

I know what you're doing...

And I really appreciate it.

No, it'll-- it'll be good for me.
I've actually put on a few pounds.

Yeah, well, you know,
I didn't want to say anything.

As the stock market plummeted,

brave young men took to the skies,

ushering in the golden
age of the daredevil.

How awesome are people?

So awesome.

You wanna get that,
buddy? I'll pause it.

- Hey, Luke. How's it going? I--
- Hey, Uncle Mitchell.

I really can't talk. I'm
trying to watch a movie.

Oh, okay, well, I just wanted
to drop off this bag of junk food.

- Go on.
- Uh, Cam and I are on a juice fast,

so having this stuff in the house--

- I connected the dots. See ya.
- Oh.

Seeing that weird,
wonderful little man

pursuing his dream of walking
on a tightrope made me think

maybe I could pursue my dream...

Here you go, buddy.

Of walking on a tightrope.

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come on, Dad! You got this!
You can do this!

- Stay focused! Stay hungry!
- You okay, buddy?

What? Yeah, hell, yeah, no.

Just proud of my Dad!

There was a lot of
chocolate in that bag.

Phil, honey, you gotta
take Luke to school.

Got it.

Okay, I haven't fallen three
out of the last four times.

This afternoon, we go airborne.

- Yeah! Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Yeah! Mm!

Sitting all by
yourself at the table.

Now where have I
seen that again?

Oh, right. Every day
in the school cafeteria.

- I do that by choice.
- The school's choice.

Isn't that your nickname?

Haley, be nice to your sister.
Alex, good save.

- Mom, sign this.
- What is it?

They finally bumped me up
to the harder math class.

Third period, Mr. waters.

What? No, Mom, you cannot
sign this. This is my class.

You're a freshman. What are
you doing in second-year math?

You're a senior. What are you
still doing in second year math?

Not "still!"... Again."

Alex, be nice to your sister.

Haley, not a good save.

I knew it would suck
having you at my school.

Well, hang in there.
A couple more years,

you'll have it all to yourself
again. Come on, girls.

Jay, look at this.

It's ruined. Stella did this.
She chew on my shoe!

You have to discipline
that stupid dog.

I discipline her all the time.

Oh, really? How? By buying
her little cupcakes?

They're not real cupcakes.

They're doggy treats in
the form of cupcakes.

Yeah, you should have told
that to Manny before he ate one.

Oh, come on. His coat
never looked better.

You wouldn't find it so funny
if she was destroying your shoes.

Well, I don't leave my shoes
laying around, so...

So it's my fault that she
chooses to chew my shoe?

I didn't say that.
You barely said it.

- You have to stop coddling her.
- I don't coddle her.

What?

She tries to drink
the water. It's funny.

You don't look at me in class.
You don't text me.

Who would text during a class?

What are you?

Hon, I realize that this situation
is not ideal for either one of you,

but sometimes we just
rise above things.

Yes?

Excuse me. Did you notice the
curb here is painted yellow?

Uh, no, I did not.

Wow. It means loading
and unloading.

Okay, well, I was just
dropping off my kids.

And yet I see no kids
emerging from the vehicle.

Well, we were chatting.

Wow.

At the risk of surprising
you a third time, officer,

I've been dropping off
here for years, and I--

- Move it.
- Okay. You betcha.

What was her problem?

Oh, you know what you
should have said to her--

Nothing. I should have said
nothing would be the point.

I have to see her every day.
I mean, why make it worse?

That's exactly what
I'm talking about.

Awkward, unpleasant situation--

Rise above.

Have a nice day.

- Yeah.
- Love you!

Bye-bye!

"And yet I see no children
emerging from the vehicle."

How'd you like to see my
fist emerging into your face?

Oh! Now I think of it!

Day four of the juice fast,

and I'm hungry, but I'm--
I'm feeling pretty good.

Cam, on the other hand,
has gone all...

"Girl, interrupted."

After one, throwing out
all of our food,

and two, blaming me,

he entered stage three--
soap actress.

I just wish my sister would
put herself out there more.

She has so much to offer.

Why are men so superficial?

That was followed by stage four--

a rush of epiphanies...

I... don't... need... food.

Look at this.
Architecture is everywhere.

Oh. Spaniards make
amazing athletes.

Into stage five-- despair...

Daddy, we hided,
but you didn't seek.

Cam?

Then came rage.

Oh. Ow.

Oh.

Hey. Whatcha got there?

The good news is,

Cam's never made it this far
into a diet before, so...

Downside-- I have no idea what
the next stage is gonna be.

But I'm pretty sure it's not
charming party guest.

Cam, I-I was thinking, I'll take the
bullet tomorrow night at my boss' house.

You don't have to go to the party.

They're-- they're boring.

Silly cause, you know,
lots of people.

Parking...

- Cam, say something.
- Why do you hate me?

I don't hate you.

Then why are you trying to
push me out of your life?

Because you--
you seem a little...

Unhinged.

Okay, well,
you know what I think?

You should worry a little
bit less about me

and a little bit more about yourself
and what you're gonna wear tomorrow night,

because I saw what
you have laid out,

and I don't think you're gonna
like the way you look in photos.

Well, I hadn't landed on that.

Her hand's in the air,
like, every five seconds,

and she actually reminded
Mr. Waters to assign homework.

The class loved that.
Do you know how embarrassed I was?

Not as embarrassed as I was

when she said 8 was
a prime number. 8, Mom.

Okay, fine. You know what?

I'm gonna call the school today
and have your schedules changed,

but I want you to know a little
part of me died today, okay?

I thought the two of
you could understand

how being in the same class
would benefit you both.

Alex, you--
you could've tutored Haley.

Haley, you could've helped
Alex with her social skills.

Come on. The two of you
could've been two Super Dunphys.

And instead, what are you?
Two bickering half-Dunphys,

and I'm the fool
that expected more.

No, I don't even want to hear it.
Just go upstairs. Go.

Wow. What was that?

That was a master
class in parenting.

Right now our daughters are upstairs
making a decision they think is their own,

but really, it was an idea
that was skillfully implanted by me.

Inception, Claire.

- Dangerous game, but I like it.
- Mm.

- What are those?
- Wire walkers.

You want to go to the dance,
you gotta wear the shoes.

Luke, grab your camera.

Luke.

I wasn't sleeping.

Honey, I-I think
those are... jazz shoes.

No. Tightrope shoes.

Got 'em at an estate
sale. Only worn once.

That-- that is not
a ringing endorsement for...

Oh! Phil, honey.

Please be ca--careful. Right.

Watch the door.

Hey, what'd you
get for number 3?

You're not going to learn
if I just give you answers.

Well, what if I gave you
something in return?

Like what?

You can talk to me in class.

I want lunch at the cool table.

Then I want all the answers.

Then I want a week at the table.

- That'll cost you two pop quizzes.
- A month.

- The midterm.
- Deal.

Looking great, Dad.

With these steps,
I break the surly bonds...

Chicken in a basket!

Don't look at me.

- Mom. Mom. Mom.
- What? What? What? What? What?

Mom. Did you call
the school yet?

Uh, not yet, but
I was just about to.

Uh, Bartles & Jaymes!

Good. Because we are thinking
we might want to stay in that class.

Really? Oh, girls,
I don't know about that.

- Oh, please let us try it.
- Super Dunphy?

I can't hold her!
I can't hold her!

Well, maybe one more week.

Thanks, Mom.

I don't know. Uh, a cup
of soup, a Cobb salad.

Yeah, it had bacon.

Cam, I don't have all day to
describe all my meals to you.

Stop eating all my things,
you stupid animal.

No, Cam, not you.
I'll call you back.

Bad doggy!

You want to chew on something?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Look at this.

Look at this delicious
man shoe. Eat it.

Come on. Eat it. Eat it.

Mmm! Yummy.

Eat the shoe.

Eat his shoe. Come on.
Eat his shoe.

Num, num, num, num. Num, num.

Yeah, like this. Look. Ah.

Delicious.

Mom?

Drop it.

- I--
- Please. I'm sorry you had to see this.

- Hello?
- Hi, Mrs. Dunphy.

This is Rose in
the principal's office.

- Can you hold for Principal Weller?
- Yes.

- Hi, Claire.
- Hi, John. What'd she do this time?

Actually, I've got
both of them in here.

Both of them? Really?

Alex was letting
Haley copy her homework.

- Mr. Waters caught them.
- I-I don't believe it.

I'm about to have a little talk with them,
so they'll be out a few minutes late.

Um, I'm so sorry,
John, and honestly,

I-I really am a better
mother than this. I promise.

So you've said.

Mm-hmm.

Seriously?

Seriously?? Oh. You...

Excuse me.

Hey, um, what the hell is this?

This zone is for
loading and unloading,

not for talking on the phone.

Yeah, I know, but I was
talking on the phone

to the school that my kids were
about to come out of, so...

Are you aware this
zone has a time limit?

N-no, I'm not.

Wow.

You know what? I do want
to do some unloading.

I know your type.

Life has been bad to you.
It has made you feel small.

And then one day somebody
gives you a fake cop outfit,

a toy badge and
a little spongebob tie.

Suddenly it's payback time, right?

Well, I got news for you,
"Law & Order: Special Parking Unit,"

not my fault.

- I'm really sorry, Dad.
- Oh, it's all right.

Everybody throws up at school.

If I had a nickel for
every time I puked at school,

you know how much
money I'd have?

35 cents.

Exactly. Now go get cleaned up,
and I'll call the doctor.

Wait, Dad, I don't need a doctor.

What's up?

The other day, Uncle Mitchell
brought over a bag of junk food

so he and Cam could
do a Jew fast.

- Juice fast?
- I'm pretty sure he said "Jew."

But anyway, I took the bag,
and I hid it, and I ate it all.

Oh, buddy.

I couldn't help myself.
I'm weak. Don't look at me.

It's all right.

It's okay. Hey, you
learned a lesson.

A painful lesson.

I guess we both have.

What do you mean?

I always saw myself as a guy who could
soar through the sky, dancing on a wire.

I can't even get across
1/6 inches off the ground.

Well, maybe that's the problem.

Maybe you keep falling because part
of you knows that you can fall.

Maybe if the wire was much,
much higher, you wouldn't fall.

Oh, Luke, Luke, Luke.

You are a genius.

Come on. We got work to do.

- Yes! Can I have a doughnut first?
- Yes, you can!

Ah, there they are,
my Super Dunphys.

We're sorry, but we just--

Unh-unh-unh.
You don't get to talk.

You had a chance to be
better people today.

You, to be more well-rounded,

and you, to be
a better student.

You could have elevated the Dunphy name,
but instead, you chose to tarnish it,

so, congratulations, ladies,

you brought this
family to a new low.

- Mom, are you--
- Yeah. Yeah, I am,

and I would actually like to get
these loosened up, if I might.

- Are we gonna have any more trouble?
- No, ma'am.

Oh, Claire, do you need
me to drive the girls?

All good, Janet. All good.

Goat cheese Risotto ball?

No, thank you.

Are you sure? They're so good.

Walk away.

It's tough enough to deal with
Cam when I'm at full strength,

but I have been fasting
just as long as he has,

and I do not have the energy to
deal with a big, needy brisketcase--

brass-- basketcase.

Cam! Don't be mad at me,

but I think that you really
need to eat something.

What?

You're supposed
to be my support.

Oh, away from me, temptress.

And I never thought I would call
you that in a negative way.

I've seen her do
a lot of crazy stuff,

but this is a whole new level.

Is this a people cookie?

You're good.

A definitive "yes" or "no"
would be appreciated.

Those cupcakes did a number on me.

Are you happy?

You have reduced me to
a person who eats a shoe.

- Gloria, sit.
- You think this is funny?

To talk to me like I am a dog?

I'm not talking to you
like you're a dog.

I'm just asking you to sit so we
can get to the bottom of this.

Okay, fine.

Good girl.

Come on. You set me up.

Gloria, why are you
acting so crazy?

It's just a little dog.

It's not the little dog
that is making me crazy.

It's you that is making me crazy.

- Me?
- Yeah, you used to put me first.

You used to want
me in that shower.

Should I be here for this?

No, Manny. It's okay. I go.

But I want you to know this.

Where I come from,
men cherish woman.

It goes wife, mistress, dog.

Dog always at the bottom.

As you can imagine,
I get asked to help,

uh, with a lot of
these environmental causes.

Usually, I buy a ticket,

uh, bid on
Shaquille O'Neal's big shoe...

And, uh, come home.

But then, something happened.

I love paddle surfing,

and each time I'd go out,
I'd see this one sea lion.

He'd pop his head up.
He'd check me out.

I got so used to seeing him,
I even named him-- Snorkels.

Oh, God, I do not like
where this is going.

So one day, I, uh, I go
out and I see Snorkels.

But he's doing this weird
twisting thing in the water.

- Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
- Shh, shh.

So I paddle over, and I see
he's got a plastic grocery bag

wrapped around his neck
and one of his fins.

And I freaked, tried to get
it off with my paddle.

It didn't work,
so I-I jumped in,

but he disappeared under
the water. And, uh...

Don't say it.
Don't you dare say it.

- And I never saw him again.
- Ohh.

This is the saddest
thing I've ever--

Mitchell, are you okay?

Of course I'm not okay.

None of this is okay.

Okay, well, you need
to pull yourself

together 'cause we're
at your boss' house.

He drowned, Cam!

Is he all right?

Yeah, yeah, I just think
he needs a little air.

You know who else needed air?

Snorkels!

Excuse me.

Snorkels?! Where
are you, Snorkels?!

- Mitchell, get back here!
- Oh, Snorkels!

Mitchell, what is
wrong with you?!

What do you think is wrong
with me? I'm starving!

Well, if you're starving,
then just eat something!

I can't eat something because
then you'll get mad at me,

and we're at my boss' house!

I'm not gonna get mad at you!

I appreciate what
you're doing for me!

I'm doing it for you.

Oh, you don't have to
do anything for me.

I love you just
the way you are.

I love you just
the way you are.

- I got you! I got you, babe!
- Okay. Okay. Thank you.

I got you!

- Cam, I can walk. I can walk.
- I got you!

I think Mitchell may just
be a work friend.

I let down my Mom and Dad today,
and... worse than that,

I let down my teacher.

It's all my fault.
Everything I touch turns to Detention.

I'm sorry, Mom.

Me, too.

Oh, I don't really have a whole lot
of moral high ground to stand on.

I wasn't exactly my
best self today either.

All in all, not a great
day for the Dunphys.

Come on, Dad!
Believe in yourself!

You're making the
impossible unimpossible.

Phil. Oh, my God.

Don't even bother.
He's in the zone.

- He can't hear you.
- Go, Dad!

You got this!

All week long, I'd been telling my girls
how to act instead of showing them,

but not Phil.

Phil could have said,

Or "Haley, challenge yourself.
Don't give up so easily."

But instead of talking the talk,

Phil walked the walk.

And isn't that what we're supposed
to do for the people we love?

It's definitely a challenge...

But Phil made it look easy
seven feet off the ground.

You're awesome!

Oh, my goodness!

Turns out, I've had my
Super Dunphy all along.

Yeah!

What was on my mind as I
was walking across that wire?

I kept thinking,
if I can do this,

then I've got two ways of
getting across my yard.

Did you have fun?

Yes. She's the cutest dog
in the whole world.

Yeah, I heard you the first time.

Let's go find your daddies.

We're in here!

Oh, my God. These
cupcakes are so good.

I'm so sorry.
We helped ourselves.

We were so hungry.
They are delicious.

I love that they're not
too sweet, you know?

Mmm. Mmm. They
taste almost like pate.

- You know, I mean...
- But why are you eating?

We've been on a juice cleanse.

You need to mind your own business,
sweetie, for right now.

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