Modern Family (2009–…): Season 11, Episode 3 - Perfect Pairs - full transcript

Phil, Claire, Alex and Luke realize the babies might help them with a few things on their to-do lists, so they offer to give Haley the day off.

No one's around. Again!

Is it just me, or our people
are avoiding us lately?

I get it, twins are a ton of work.

But Haley and Dylan ask
us to help out a lot.

Maybe we're both just loopy
from sleep deprivation.

I don't even remember
making this cup of tea.

It's fine, I'll just jog with them.

Don't push yourself
too hard on that run.

Please. You know who you're talking to?

Why does everyone always ask me that?

Whew! That was close.

- Are they gone?
- Yes.


Okay, who'd like to help me
with a magic trick?

Alex. Great. Now, uh, take this dove...

Try not to rile her up.

She's about to spend

the better part of an hour in my pants.

Until now, we haven't had the
best of luck with renters.

So, when you said you were a cat person

uh, on your application...

- Mm-hmm.
- Um...

Oh, oh, that's... that's just my watch.

But then Brad and Paul moved in,
and it was like

the perfect friend couple
showed up at our front door.

And you wanted to stop
renting completely

after the cat lady.

I just...
I couldn't listen to her scream

every time she took a bath.

I can't believe how
much we have in common.

Daughters the same age,
you both played football.

You know, an ex-teammate of mine
is a coach for the Chargers.

He can get us right on the field.

You just have to watch where you stand,

'cause you could end up
under a wide receiver.

Okay, stop selling! I'm in!

They even pre-paid for six months.

That means they'll be
here till Christmas.

We can include them in our Secret Santa!

Oh, it would be nice
not to get Lily again.


The Duke...

...becomes a uke...

...becomes a Luke.

- Dad, that was amazing!
- Yeah!

Amazing that I think
a hacky parlor trick

is gonna cut it at SCARB.

You heard me right, Alex... SCARB!

The Southern California Area
Realtors' Banquet

is the biggest event of the year

for Southern California Area Realtors.

The other events...

t-they're fine, but SCARB, it's...
it's the show.

I performed at last year's SCARB,

and... and I did well.

Too well.

Thank you.

Wait, was there someone else
who wanted to say thank you?

Oh, that's right.

Puff wanted to say thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you.


When you were underwater
for nine minutes,

I almost broke the glass myself!

You have got to come back next year.

Well, I guess I could, uh...

...get behind you on that.

I don't know how I did that.

For the last year,
I haven't paid for a drink

in any Realtor bar in California.

I've never known that kind of adulation.

If I blow it tonight, it all goes away.

I'm just another bum
walking into Brokers

paying for my own Long Escrow Iced Tea!

Dad, I'm on the short list
for this NASA job.

I just need to finish these forms,

but I... I swear to you,
it really was great.

- Oh! I'm sorry.
- Oh.

And I am a tough audience.

I'm a scientist.

It's not like I'm fooled
by simple misdirection.

I told Janice I'm 21.

I'm pretty sure she'd break up with me

if she found out I
wasn't even legal yet.

Then she asked if I'd buy
wine for dinner tonight.

Mind moving your thumb...


That's what that's short for?

So sweet of you to
take them to the park.

Just make sure they're someplace shady.

Will do.

It's amazing how well you've been doing

selling Aunt Miranda's hot sauce.

I don't want to tell you
how much money I have lost

trying to sell it over here.

I wouldn't mind having
an exact figure...

I can't believe that you
guys are already engaged!

Where did you guys meet?

On the street where I sell my artwork.

One day, she let me paint her.

She became my muse.

I am so happy for you, Sonia.

Finally, you found
the love that you deserve.

It's great seeing you being
supportive of Sonia for...

She's an idiot.

He's obviously a gold digger,

and I'm going to prove it to her.

How do you know he's a gold digger?

He's a starving artist, she has money.

Do you really think that someone
young and beautiful like that

is gonna fall in love with a rich,
older person?

- Never happens.
- Mm-hmm.

I hear what I'm saying, and we're fine.

When Sheryl McCray comes in,

pay for her coffee with this.

Sheryl McCray,
powerhouse real-estate developer.

I've been trying to land her
closet business for years,

but it's impossible to get a meeting.

This article, though,

says where she buys a latte
every Saturday at 10:00.

Today, I'm gonna buy that latte,
we'll get to talking,

and before you know it,

she'll be buying a latte closets.
[lot of]

Sheryl McCray?

Matthew Kang, Kang Cabinets.

Would you have just two minutes
to, uh, sit dow...

Are you serious?

I'm not gonna do business with someone

who interrupts me in a coffee shop

while I'm trying to enjoy
a few precious moments

of alone time with my child.

And her nanny.

I think she's wet.

Change of plans, big spender?

Ohh! Really? An emergency?

Well, I guess I could...

Relax. They don't need help
with the babies. Luke has them.

Oh, thank God.

Ugh. Let's get rid
of this bad reminder, huh?

Oh, I know that lady.

What? How?

Oh, Mommy and Me class at my yoga place,

she's there every week.

Oh, in fact,
it's starting in half an hour.

Think I'm gonna grab the
kids and go do my thang.

- Hey. - Hi.
- You know what?

I haven't spent any time with
those little ragamuffins.

Why don't you let me take 'em?

- But I kind of wanted to take...
- Oh, take the help!

Don't be a hero, super mom, huh?

Is it me, or is your mom acting weird?

No. No!

Don't you ev...

Your cue is "cadabra"!

- Hey!
- Hey!

We made kale smoothies.
We wanted to share.

Thank you.


Oh, no! We're intruding.

You're throwing a big pancake brunch.

Where is everyone?

Uh, this is just for us.


- What's this?
- Art project for school.

I just grabbed something
out of the trash

and threw glitter glue on it.

Got a 70.

She knows that's out of 100, right?

Vera went through a Found Art phase.

This is, um...

This is the Michelangelo's David

that she made out of plastic.

Recycled plastic.

We only get one planet,
let's take care of it.


Guess someone's never heard of the moon.

Oh, hey, speaking of art,
you're so lucky

to live right around the
corner from the museum.

Who was your favorite artist
in the postimpressionist show?

- Uh...
- Uh, w...

I mean, gun to my head?

I would say...

Gauguin, perhaps?

- To the exhibit?
- Yes. In a heartbeat.

Uh, you know, actually,
I'm thinking about going today.

Would you guys care to join?

Oh, I'd love to,

but I promised this one
we'd go on a canyon hike.

Once an underwear model...

A couple International Male covers

to pay for medical school,

he'll never let me forget it!

Okay, we should go.

Oh! Unless,
did you want to join for the hike?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm...
I'm running the Santa Monica stairs

this afternoon, so...

- Oh.
- It's Saturday.

If they don't see me there,
they get worried.

And thank you for the yummies.

- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

They sure are!

Oh, no.


So, um,
I didn't know you were a museum lover.

Oh, well, yeah,
before you and I started dating,

I used to go to the museum all the time.

I'm not blaming you, of course.

You know that the Hollywood Wax Museum

- isn't an actual...
- Okay, what about you, Rocky?

You get winded taking towels upstairs.

Well, that's because after we met...
not blaming you...

um, I sort of...
I tapered off a little bit.

To focus on the relationship.

But this is good.

- Yeah.
- Us getting back to our roots.

You know, enjoy the museum.

- Yeah, enjoy your run.
- I will.

- You haven't, by chance...
- They're still in the box.

- Back of the closet?
- Uh-huh.

How come you never let
me play with that thing?

This "thing" medaled in three
different Air Expos, Manny.

It's not a toy.

Hey, look at this.

That's Sonia's fianc?, right?

It says he's from one of the
richest families in Colombia.

I knew the guy was all right.

Oh, I see.
Being rich makes you "all right."

That's not what I meant.

Your mom thought he
might be a gold digger.

And by the way, unlike you,
I grew up working-class.

Oh, please.
The only blue collar in this house

is the bedazzled one on your
purebred French bulldog.

She was going through
a depressed period.

You're only as happy as your
least happy child, Manny.

I'm just saying, I've never seen you

show much interest in someone
who didn't have money.

That's ridiculous.

Hey, buddy! Come on, take a load off.

- Have a drink with us.
- Oh, thank you, sir.

I know what it's like to
put in a hard day's work.

- Jay Pritchett, by the way.
- Yes, we've met many times.

Remember, a couple years ago,
I loaned you money for a cab?

Oh, yeah, right.

Ay, Mama.

She's not after our money.

How do I know?

She has money! Lots of it.

And I'm marrying this woman.

I'll see you for the wedding next week.

Ay, next week?

That's very quick.

I don't want to give Sonia
a chance to change her mind.

I'm sure you don't.

You can't marry my sister.

- Why?
- Two words.

Maybe one, with a hyphen.

Gold digger.
I've always hated to see people

take advantage of others in that way.

I can't let that happen here.

But doesn't your sister
have a lot of money?

Would you be that quick to
marry her if she didn't?

Hey, have you seen N?stor?

I sent him off.

Nobody's taking anyone's money today.

Oh, I didn't need that much from him.

I just need to reshoot
the end of my thesis film.

The special effects are weak,
and Prague was clearly faked.

What the hell are you talking about?

N?stor. His family's loaded.

I looked him up.

He's a Berellez?

They own a soccer team, 12 hotels,

and five judges!

Oh, really? Well, I don't care if
you want to buy 10,000 closets.

I'm not at work.

I am trying to bond
with my child... ren.



So sorry about that. It's just... Ugh.

People are constantly trying to sell me,

and it is not always appropriate,
you know?

I hear that.

Mommies, mommies.


Let's start with a deep hip stretch.

I find this class hard enough.
How do you do it with twins?

Well, uh,
it's nothing compared to the babies

I got to juggle at the office, huh?

I know that feeling.

Now up and down, a little deeper.

You know,
there's a baby-friendly tapas place

Atticus and I go to after,
if you ladies are up for it.

I don't think it's time to bond, Gary,

and I'm pretty sure you
had to sue to get in here.

He did. And up.

We had to settle. And down.


So, what kind of closets do you make?

Because I actually need...

You know what? Would it be okay
if we did this after class?

It's just, I get no time with them.

Of course, of course.

Oh. Hey. How were the steps?

Uh... so... so great. So tough.

Uh, love the burn.

What's up with the hat?
I can barely see your eyes.

Uh, same old eyes.
I'm just gonna go ahead and, um...


Why is there a Wilson
logo on your forehead?

I don't know. Must be the hat.

Nobody's buying it.

Just skip to the part where
you tell us the truth.

Fine. I-I never made it
to the stairs, okay?

I got distracted.


I'm a fraud. Happy?

I never even made it to the stairs.

Don't even know where they are.

You know, I can't say I'm...

I'm not a tad bit
disappointed in you, Mitchell.

It's just a little lonely
going on this journey

of self-improvement all by my...

- What is that?
- Hmm? What?

What... What part of the
museum did you get this from?

Uh, well, apparen...

obviously, you're not...

familiar with Matisse's
feather... period.

Did you maybe get this across
the street from the museum?

- Hmm?
- No.

'Cause if you had,
you'd have a distinctive and sparkly...

hand stamp!

I-I just need one ticket.

Oh, my God, you guys, let's hurry!

Hurrying where?

Uh, there's a retrospective...

"Cher in the '70s: Gypsies,
Tramps and Thieves."

You went without me?

What do we always say?

Every Cher experience should be

- a shared experience.
- Shared experience.

I'm... I'm sorry, Mitchell.

If I could turn back time...

- Knock knock!
- Give... Give me the feather.

No, put the feather in your cap.

Hey, just checking in.
How was the museum?

Oh, so great. Sit down!

Cam was actually about to tell us

what he learned about Picasso.

Oh, I know so little about him.

Well, it...
it turns out he was born, um...

in the wagon of a...
of a traveling... show.

His mother, poor thing,

she was forced to dance for all...

You want me to teach
you how to play bridge?

- Sure.
- I need a new partner.

I keep beating the computer.

Listen, we want to invite you guys

to a dinner party tonight.

Yeah, you guys
are gonna love Xander and Mateo.

They just finished an
ultramarathon in Mozambique,

- where they're lecturing.
- And to build up an appetite,

we play sprinting charades.

Yeah, and, uh,
this silly version of Celebrity

using only characters from Dickens.

That sounds so fun.
We'll be... We'll be right back.

We were just fanning out
some celery on a platter.

Okay, I want them gone.

Even if you mean kill them, I'm in.

I mean, what are we supposed to do?

Spend the next six months
with our drapes closed,

like Pepper after one of
his cheek implants fell?

Speaking of Picasso.

How are we supposed to get out of this?

Move out west.

That's what those towns are for...

We live a mile from the ocean.
What town?

What's wrong with me?

I am so stupid!

Sweetie, what is it?

She beat me,
and she never even played before!

I'm such a loser!

Is she okay, or...?

Vera has this thing

where she needs to be
perfect all the time.

You know, the only reason we
moved to this neighborhood

was so we could be closer

to this accelerated school she got into.

Maybe we need to reconsider the move?

Naturally, we'll pay for all six months.


We should go talk to her.

I'm sorry, guys.

I was looking forward to that celery.

I could really use a cheat day.


Lily, how...

I set up my mirror so
I could see her cards.

I had to!

I couldn't stand her making
me feel bad about myself.

No, no, I get it.
I'm not sure they don't enjoy

making people feel inferior.

Which is something you
guys could never do.

- Aww!
- Aww!

Wait, did she just say

that we could never make
people feel inferior

because we're so inferior ourselves?

But cleverly wrapped in a
compliment to avoid detection?

In other words, the perfect gay zinger?

Well, she may not finish high school,

but she will hold her
own at any Tony party

- the rest of her life.
- Yeah, she will. Yeah.

I'm really sorry to hear that,

but honestly, if your wife left you

just because you missed her birthday...

To drive you to the airport.

I heard him, Manny. Thank you.'re probably
better off without her.

You're right.

I only wish I had
something nicer to wear

to our son's wedding tonight.

You know,
you and I are about the same size.

Why don't you borrow my tux?

- Really?
- I insist.

In fact,
I want to give you something else.

Your plane?

Uh, no, I was reaching for my wallet.

You know, to give you that money
I s-still owe you for the cab.

I've admired this plane ever since I
fell off the roof getting it for you.

I'm so touched and honored.

- Well, actually...
- He fell off the roof.



I will name her Roberta.

It's a boy plane.

I feel like I got the buckles wrong.

Does this straitjacket look right on me?

More and more.

Dad, I love you,

but I don't have time
for another magic trick.

I can't find my ID,

and I need a copy of
it for this NASA job,

and my application has
to be mailed by 5:00.

I'm sorry. Can I help you look?

Ugh! This is hopeless.

Unless there is some
way to jump the line

at both the post office and the DMV,

and the only way to get to
either of them at this hour

is to drive in the carpool lane.

We're ba-a-ck!

Oh, my God! I missed you so much!


Oh, I got this. You look so tired.

But I've been napping all day.

You're welcome.

Can I at least smell their heads?!

N?stor? Hi.
It's Gloria Pritchett again.

Please call me back.

I need to explain.

This was all a big mistake.

N?stor, where are you, my love?

Ay, no.


I have very bad news to tell you.

Let me get N?stor. He's my rock.


Ay, what happened
to my independent sister

that I admired so much
because she needed no man?

Where... is he?

Well, I thought he was a gold digger,

so I chased him out.

You did what?!

But the silver lining is that
you still have all your money!

What money? I don't have any money!

What do you mean?
The money from the hot-sauce business

that you're doing so well.

No, it was all a lie.

I just didn't want him to be suspicious.

Look, I'm wearing aluminum earrings!

They're turning my ears green!


It took me two years to land that rich,
beautiful moron.

Where am I going to get
that kind of money?!


Ow! Ow!

Oh, I tripped!

Someone call a lawyer!

- You didn't trip.
- Yes, I did! Look!

Uh, the floor is all wet.

Sonia, that didn't work at
the Princess Cruise ship,

and it's not going to work here.

Every time I try to
get my life together,

you always ruin it for me.

You owe me a rich husband.

I'll find you one.

There are plenty of old,
rich men around here

that would do anything that you say.

Some of them can still hear.

Oh. Who's this?

Oh. He's, um...

He's the best hedge guy in town.

Congratulate him.
He just got a new plane.

Ohh. A hedge guy.


And how did you get
started in that business?

I bought the clippers.


And where are you going,
dressed so nice?

- A wedding.
- Ohh, I love weddings.

Would you like to accompany me?

I would love to!

And can we take your plane?

Yeah, sure.

Why is our gardener wearing your tuxedo?

Why is N?stor gone?

Let me lock the door first.

Gloria! You ruined my life again!

- Oh!
- Is this your ring?

It is!

Is this your sock?

It is.


Is this... your card?

I don't remember!

Now everything is where it belongs.

Except for this candle,
which obviously belongs...

...on the piano!

- Oh, my God!
- What?!

You're right. It's like I want to fail!

Dad, stop being crazy.
Your act is great!

It's a flat finish,
which means it's a flat act.

It's obviously two candles.

I put the second one over there
while I was distracting you

by throwing a card
into that stupid grape.

We're home!

- My babies!
- Hey!

I feel like I haven't seen you all day!

Did you have fun today?

Well, that's easy to find out.

Let me just upload
this baby cam footage.

- The what... what was that?
- Hmm?

Oh, one of their buttons
is actually a camera.

It's not the greatest quality, but...

Wait, you took my babies
to a liquor store?!

No, it's the...

it's the wine museum.

It's Ace Liquor, Luke.

I've been going there since I was 15...

minutes past my 21st birthday.

Well, I am horrified...

Wait, wait, wait, I just fast-forwarded,

and it's you talking to
some lady at a yoga class.

She's from the magazine!

You pimped out my babies
for a sales pitch?

Who did it hurt?


Oh, disgusting.
Personally, I can't stand...

Some guard at the DMV

giving our five-month-old
a bite of his hot dog.

He only watched them for a second.


I was so happy you all wanted
time with the babies today,

because lately, it has felt like

you didn't even want to
be bothered with them.

Turns out you only want to
help when it can help you.

Part of me wonders
why we even stay here.

Because you eat and live here for free?

I said "part."

Okay, I'm not saying
what they did was great,

but isn't that what families do?

Help each other out?

And are we ever really too young

to come to our family's aid?

You're not seriously trying to get us

to let you use them
for your magic trick, are you?

It is my card!

You guys have been great.

But I should be getting my
beautiful assistant here

out of this tuxedo and
into some warm jammies.

You guys.

It's you that make it work.

So, I'm sorry about earlier.
I hope I wasn't rude.

Please. I totally get it.
Are you free for a bite now?

Uh... sure. I guess
I got a couple minutes.


I'll get us a table at
Straight to the Tapas.

Great. Meet you there.

I'm just getting rid
of him. We're not going.

Oh, thank God.
When his shirt rose up earlier,

I saw a Dora the Explorer tattoo.

And I do not want to hear
the story behind that one.

This stays between us.