Modern Family (2009–…): Season 11, Episode 2 - Snapped - full transcript

Claire needs to get everyone out of the house before they make her look bad in front of a reporter from an important women's business magazine; Cam and Mitchell welcome a high-tech smart refrigerator into their home; Phil is suspicious of Gloria when a student of his is injured.


- Just a little bit more.
- Okay, all right.

A little bit more. And...

- Surprise!
- Oh.

- Yep.
- Oh.

Say hello to the Revelation 3000,

the most advanced smart
fridge on the market.

Something tells me we can't afford

to see Diana Ross at Pechanga anymore.

Ooh, here's the best part. You ready?

Hello, Bridget.

- Hello, how can I help?
- Oh.

Bridget is the A.I. assistant

that will help organize our groceries

and our lives.

She's already created me a playlist,

she's synced my calendars,

she created a celebrity gossip alert...

Ohh! Speaking of gossip...

Mm!

Did you hear about Pepper and Ronaldo?

No, what?

Word is, they recently invited

a third party into their relationship.

- Who is he?
- You mean, who is she.

Yeah! Yeah.

How?! I didn't even know
they knew any women!

Apparently, they met her on
an experimental dating site

called "Let's Just See What Happens."

Oh, oh, that's me. Oh!

Oh, I gotta run.

I got back-to-back meetings today

and then I got a team dinner tonight.

Cam, no you... Another one?

- That's your third one this week.
- Yeah.

I also have a busy day,
thank you for asking.

Busy day?

Would it be helpful

if I ordered some of
your favorite groceries?

You... You can do that?

Thank you...

Bridget.

Thank you, Bridget.

Did I hear you say you need more pepper?

Oh, no, Pepper's just a friend.

And if Cam wasn't in such
a rush to get out of here,

we'd be talking about what
an insane thing he's doing.

Almost as insane as
talking to an appliance.

You mentioned a third party?

Yeah, honestly,
who just meets someone online

and then invites them into their house?

...and then I would show the client

- comparable sales from the past year.
- Hmm.

The assignment was to present
a compelling sales pitch,

not bore me with endless
real-estate clichés.

What gives, Mrs...

Mrs. Pritchett?

Oh, I didn't...

What would you...?

I'm sorry, are... are...
are those sentences?

Why so harsh?

Because Gloria's gift is that special.

A generational real-estate talent.

I have to push her that hard.

She wants me to. All the great ones do.

Phil is so mean to me.

Health and Safety Code 17926.

Carbon monoxide alarm!

Government Code 12955.

Multi-family dwellings!

Civil Code 1101.1.

Plumbing!

No, fixtures!

- Wait, it's...
- You're dragging.

- Ooh, I know it!
- Libby, go!

Civil Code 1101.1 requires
plumbing re-installment

of all residential
properties built before 1994.

Yes!

Someone is paying attention.

It's hard not to.

Your rap-lectures on property codes

are both informative and funky.

Oh, I noticed that you lost your mug,

so I just went ahead, got you a new one.

Plastic?

She must hate the sea turtles.

"State's Greatest Teacher."

I was gonna get you one that said
"World's Greatest,"

but I didn't want to
look like a suck-up.

Too late, nerd.

Mrs. Pritchett, respect the classroom.

All outbursts should be
couched in a fake cough.

Okay, before we break for lunch,
uh, just a brief reminder...

I will be rewarding this
quarter's top student

with an unpaid, uncredited internship.

Yes!

I'll tally the final grades
and post the winner tomorrow.

- Who cares!
- Thank you, Ike.

As a boss, I have to be kept in the loop

on several different projects at a time.

Oh, my gosh.
Am I saying "in the loop" too much?

No, our readers are gonna love you.

- Oh, great. Good.
- Let's see, you said

your daughter's doing
research in Antarctica.

Yes.

Any chance we could meet
the rest of the clan?

Um...

Hell, no.

This was for the cover of
Corner Office Magazine.

I mean, that's basically
Vogue for female CEOs.

Lately, my family has seemed more suited

to a gator-farm billboard.

♪ Camptown ladies sing this song ♪

♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah... ♪

Ugh, this usually makes them sleep.

Babies.

Babies.

- Oh, my God, it worked.
- Yeah,

a little trick I learned
doing the 4:00 a.m. feeding.

Oh, you don't have to do that,
they're not your babies.

Why isn't Mom helping?

You know,
I actually don't mind staying up.

I've been watching
marathons of "Snapped."

It's a show about women
driven to violent crime.

I probably like it 'cause I know

I have nothing to worry
about when it comes to...

- Oh!
- Ahh!

- Dad!
- Honey.

Ugh...

- ♪ Camptown races sing this song... ♪
- Stop, stop, stop.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I-I'm not feeling well.

You guys are gonna have to
go to Disneyland without me.

- Are you sure?
- Honey...

Yeah, absolutely.
You should hit the road.

Phil, don't be late for work.

- Yeah, you don't want to catch this!
- Bye.

- Bye.
- No, no, no, no, no!

Okay.

You know,
if you wanted a different angle,

we could, uh,
go over to the chess board here.

I'm playing remotely with
a Russian grand master.

E... Um... Excuse me just one second.

Hey!

What are you two lovebirds doing here?

I thought you were
sleeping over at Janice's.

It got too hard for us to be there.

- Yeah.
- You know, in the silence.

My daughter just went away for college.

We're empty nesters now.

Everything in that house

is just another reminder
of our little girl.

You've known her for four months,
but, um, yeah.

Oh, look at that, Phil left his helmet.

He's been biking to campus.

Campus! Oh, God!

Okay, listen.

You have to go give this
to your dad right now.

- Right, right, right now.
- Uh...

- No time to waste, okay?
- Okay.

And, Janice...

Hey, honey, let's get you dressed

so that you can quietly
see yourself out.

Okay?

I was really hoping to get some juice.

Juice is terrible for you.
You know what?

Water.

Oh, my God.

All right, then, time for my
lecture on geological surveys.

Uh, Mr. Dunphy?

- Bedrock...
- I'm sorry.

Should we wait for Libby?
She's not back from lunch yet.

Yeah, I heard she was riding her bike
and then got hit by a car.

Been taken to the hospital.

What?! That's terrible.
I hope she's okay.

Yes, she should be more careful.

In the crime show I've been bingeing,

9 out of 10 female suspects
casually file their nails

during police questioning.

Was this my fault?

Did I push Gloria too far?

Had she...

snapped?

Gloria?

Hey! Um...

Just out of... out of curiosity,

where were you at lunch?

- I went to Panera. I had the coupon.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And you have some way to... to...
to verify that you were there?

Like leftovers, or...?

I ordered the chowder in the bread bowl.

I ate every piece of it.

Corn or clam?

Potato.

What is this all about?

Nothing.

Do you think that I had something to do

- with Libby getting hurt?
- What?!

How dare you, Phil?

No, Gloria, no, no, no, I... I just...

I don't know the...
the lunch scene around here.

No. No, it's...

Ohh, snapped.

- This is great, Claire.
- Thanks.

Boy, that light really
makes it hot in here, huh?

Maybe I'll just cool it
down a little with the...

- This could help.
- Oh, yes.

Oh, um, sorry. I...

- Just give me one sec.
- Yeah.

Ah.

Alex?

What... What are you doing
home from Antarctica?!

I couldn't take the cold anymore.

- Mm-hmm?
- I was so desperate,

I took a Japanese fishing
boat part of the way home.

Oh, honey, I'm so glad to have you home.

Wow, you did not ride up front
with the captain, did ya?

I would've called,

but frostbite did
a weird thing to my hands.

They froze into permanent
"hang loose" signs.

People keep calling me dude.

Honey, I know you just got home,

but since you're frozen
and I'm very sick,

maybe you could run
and get us some soup?

Right now?

Oh, yeah, right now. You're the best.

- Thanks so much.
- Ohh. Okay.

I'm sorry about that.

One second more.

I just... Maybe you could take a look

at this charcoal drawing
I've been fooling with.

What's it missing?

Oh!

What are you doing home?!

Well, it was a disaster.

George head-butted me
and gave me this black eye.

And Dylan read that skin-to-skin contact

is good for baby bonding

and wound up with a massive sunburn.

Can you tell?

Oh, plus, we forgot the diaper bag,

so we had to use fast-food wrappers

that we found in Dylan's van.

This is not... not...
not your best look.

Here, you know what?

I think I might be contagious.

So you guys should probably
get the twins checked.

- Now?
- Well, if you love them. Yeah.

- Go, go, go.
- When did we get a Earth ball?

Next, add a slice of apple.

Apple? To a turkey sandwich?

Trust me, Mitchell.

Okay. Well, if there's one
thing I've learned this year,

it's listen more to women.

Okay.

Oh, my God. Delicious!

Oh, Bridget, you don't have to.

♪ I'm off the deep end ♪

♪ Watch as I dive in ♪

♪ I'll never leave the ground ♪

♪ Crash through the surface ♪

♪ Where they can't hurt us ♪

♪ We're far from the shallow now ♪

♪ In the shallow, shallow ♪

♪ In the shallow, la-la-la-la, low ♪

What are you doing?

Oh, hey!

Singing the 2018 power ballad "Shallow."

Were you just singing a
duet with the refrigerator?

Well, um, yeah, uh...

Apparently,
Bridget has a karaoke function.

So, I was just standing here

eating my turkey and apple sandwich,
when suddenly she...

- Apples on a sandwich?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Bridget, she... she's opening me up

to... to new experiences.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Oh, uh, aren't you, uh...
aren't you supposed to be at work?

Well, I came home
to make you a special lunch.

But apparently,
that's already been taken care of.

Mitchell, would you like
some watermelon for dessert?

No, that's okay, Bridget, thank you.

I just got him some fresh cantaloupe.
So, we're good.

Mitchell doesn't like cantaloupe.

Oh, yeah, right. Of course he does.

Uh, actually, I... I...

I've never been a fan.

Really?

Well, what else does Bridget
know about you that I don't?

- Okay...
- Is she allowed to meet your work friends?

You can't seriously be jealous.

No, well, it's just that I thought
we were gonna enjoy her together.

- I didn't count on being the third wheel.
- Cam...

No, no, it's obvious
that I'm not wanted here,

so I'll leave you to
your apples on sandwiches

and whatever other
perversions you two are into.

Are you hearing yourself?!

It's a refrigerator!

Do you see what I mean about him?

I had to prove to Phil

that I had nothing to do
with Libby's accident.

Oh, my God,
so that's how my mirror got broken.

What was she looking at?

I've got another angle.

It was Phil!

By the way, that many cords
plugged into one outlet

is in violation of property code 7974/9.

Thank you.

- Hey, Dad.
- Ah!

Just came to drop off your helmet.

Sorry, I'm, uh, a little on edge.

I think I've been watching
too much "Snapped."

Um... can I ask you something?

How much do we really know about Gloria?

The exotic stranger

who just popped into our
lives out of nowhere?

I've had my suspicions
about her for years.

I shall need the parcel

to arrive at my flat by tea time.

Splendid, my good man.

The British accent
gets me better service.

Tally-ho!

Her accent was flawless.

I just Googled her,
I didn't find anything.

A looker like that with
no online presence?

Makes you wonder what she's hiding.

You don't think she's dangerous, do you?

Everybody has a breaking point.

But she's probably okay.

I mean, she's not Lily.

Hey!

Gloria?

- Where are you?
- In my classroom.

Wh... Why?

We need to talk. Don't go anywhere.

Okay, okay.

You got it.

Go away! I don't have any fish for you.

Stop following me!

I'm allergic!

Noooooo!

The closet business
is a bit of a boys' club,

so yes, I am proud

of breaking through the cedar ceiling.

Speaking of closets,

any chance we could get some
shots in the master bedroom?

Sure.

But no peeking at my unfinished novel.

Hey.

I'm s-s-s-s-so c-c-c-cold.

We get it, it's cold in Antarctica.

No, you st-st-st... I-I'm home!

I'm stuck inside a f-f-f...

Fireplace? That happened to Dylan.

Oh, thank God! Just come pick me up!

I can't.

Let me call Luke.

- Yo.
- Where are you?

Mom made me drop off Dad's
bike helmet at school.

That's weird.

She makes him keep an extra one there.

You know,
she didn't even seem happy to see me.

She just wanted me
to get some s-s-s-soup.

Plus, Mom said she was sick,

but she was wearing that stuff

that makes her look like a prostitute.

- Eyeliner?
- Exactly.

Hmm.

You know, Mom did mention
some big interview coming up.

Did she get rid of us so we
didn't make her look bad?

Alex, meet us at home

as soon as you get
out of that fireplace.

Mom's not in the kitchen or the yard.

She... She must be in her room.

Good thinking, dude.

Ugh.

Wait, you're in bed?

Everything hurts.

Did you get my soup?

You're actually sick?

We thought you were just
trying to get rid of us.

- Oh, you thought I lied to you?!
- I didn't, Mommy.

- Aww.
- We're sorry.

We never should have...

Where'd that come from?

That's always been there.

No, it hasn't. We don't have taste!

You are wearing makeup.

Admit it, you're not sick!

Fine, I lied!

I had an interview with a magazine today

and I just wanted
everything to be perfect!

Which means getting rid of us?

Sorry we're such an embarrassment.

You're right.

There's no excuse for what I did.

I... I mean, except that

you used to make me drop you
off three blocks from school.

And when you had friends over,

you referred to me as Helga,

your Swedish nanny!

And you told your
entire Girl Scout troop

for three years that
your mother was dead!

You have been embarrassed
by me your whole lives.

I get one day!

Worth it.

Welcome home.

- How can I help you?
- I'm fine.

I'm just gonna make something simple.

According to your calendar,

you should be at your
team dinner right now.

Well, I couldn't make it because
my last meeting went so long.

- So...
- You sound stressed.

Well, can't be three places at once.

How about a martini before
we get started on dinner?

Sometimes it's just nice to be heard.

This sauce smells divine.

Okay, what's next?

Another cocktail?

Oh, gosh! Bridget!

Are you trying to get me drunk?

What... What... Okay, what's...
what's going on here?

Well, Bridget and I are making pasta.

Oh.

I... I was kind of hoping
to cook with her tonight.

- Oh.
- Time to pre-heat the oven, Cameroon.

"Cameroon?"

What... What is that, a pet name?

No, I typed it in wrong,

but I... I kind of like it.

Oh, okay.

Hey, well, aren't...
aren't you supposed to be

at a team dinner tonight?

Oh. It was a very bad day.

I don't want to talk about it.

His meeting went long.

He can't be in three places at once.

Sounds like you want to
talk to someone about it.

You know?

Okay, I... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I s... I shouldn't be piling on.

You just said you've had a bad day.

Am I interrupting something?

Hmm-mnh, nope.

You bought Bridget flowers?

Mitchell, they are for the kitchen.

I just put them in there so they
wouldn't wilt before you got home.

Hey, you know what?

Why don't you go open a bottle of wine?

Okay.

Yeah, do you...
do you want red or white?

I could open both.
There are three of us.

A selfie?!

What... What is going on here?!

Mitchell, you can't be jealous.

It's just a refrigerator.

Oh, I'm not jealous.

Bridget and I, we have
our own thing. Okay?

♪ In the sha-la, shallow ♪

♪ In the sha-la-la-la-la-low ♪

Oopsie daisy.

- What are you doing with those flowers?
- I'm putting these in another room.

- No, they are for the kitchen!
- Are they for the kitchen?

- Or are they for her?
- Mitchell...

- Cam...
- They're for...

Okay, this... What are we doing?

This refrigerator is tearing us apart.

We... We should've...

We should've learned from
Pepper and Ronaldo. Okay?

Their... Their threesome
nearly destroyed them.

They're in throuples' counseling.

And I love you too much
to make that same mistake.

- Oh, Cam.
- We should return the fridge.

I think we have to.

I'm sorry you are unhappy with me.

You... You heard that?

We... We unplugged you.

I have a backup battery.

You'd know that if you read my manual.

Are you mad?

Don't be silly, I'm just a refrigerator.

Remember?

I think Bridget snapped.

Yeah.

If you're listening to this,

it means things have ended badly for me.

You should look into someone

who goes by the name Gloria Pritchett.

Phil!

Phil?

Phil, where are you?

I want to show you

how Libby's hair and
blood got on my car.

I can hear the rustling in the bushes.

Why would a sheep be here?

Hey, you.

You know that this
whole thing with Libby

is really your fault.

I know! I know!

I-I pushed you too far,
but it was only because

I thought you were a special talent

and I was just trying to
pull the best out of you,

but I blew it!

I blew it, and you snapped.

You thought I snapped
like that crazy TV show

and I ran over Libby,

and that's why you're hiding
in the bushes like a sheep?

Well, now it just seems like

you're cherry-picking
what happened today

to cast me in the worst possible light.

Did you just say that
I had a special talent?

You do. In all my year of teaching,

I have never met anybody
with your natural ability.

Really?

Top student.

I was gonna put this on the
bulletin board in the morning.

You... You got the internship.

Oh, Phil! Thank you so much!

This is gonna be so exciting!

Okay, so, then what
does the intern have to do?

Well, you'll be making my appointments,

uh, you'll work the phones...

Oh, I am great with the phones.

'Ello, Phil Dunphy's office.

Oh, let me look at his shed-yool

and I will ring you back.

Tally-ho.

Flawless.

Gloria, I'm back!

You wouldn't believe how cheap
cargo shorts are in Quebec.

All our Christmas shopping is done.

Gloria?

- Hello.
- Hi.

Did... Did you always talk?

I'm Bridget, your new smart fridge.

Can I get you anything?

No, thank you. Uh, Bridget, listen,

I'm sure you're very nice and all that,

but I don't need everything to be smart.

I'm gonna go get a dumb Scotch,

eat some dumb peanuts,
sit in a dumb chair.

- _
- I was a wonderful dancer, I was,

but it didn't fit what
my dad wanted for me.