Modern Family (2009–…): Season 11, Episode 13 - Paris - full transcript

Oh, I'm finally here.

Oh, this has been my dream

ever since I saw "An American in Paris."

For me, it was "Am?lie."

I made my mom give me that haircut.

Happy Valentine's Day, mon cheri.

Ah, gay Paree.

See, I told you it would be Claire.

- I had my money on Jay.
- Sorry, ladies,

I'm in too good a mood.

It's no big deal.



I'm getting a lifetime achievement award

at this year's Expo
Internationale du Closet.

Why don't they translate the last word?

I'm sure they have a word for closet.

They're French.

Maybe they went on strike
before they got to the end.

Monsieur Pritchett,
welcome to the Crowne Plaza.

I am Bernard Busse,

president of the
International Closet Guild.

Mwah!

- Mwah!
- Oh, God. He made the sound.

And this woman needs no introduction.

You are just as beautiful

as Jay described in his e-mail.



It's a pleasure to meet you, Stella.

Oh, no, no. This is my wife, Gloria.

I-I put you in the e-mail,
but then it was too long.

Well, I hope to see you both

at the cocktail reception in an hour.

A bientôt.

Adi?s.

'Cause that's what we need.
A third language.

We have an hour.
We should go sightseeing.

- Maybe check out Notre Dame.
- No, thank you.

I saw it back in the day,
before it was a shell of itself.

Seeing it again would only depress me.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

That's why I can't shop at Sears.

Manny, why don't you go and check us in

since you disgraced this family

by learning French instead of Spanish.

And get that room that they promised me.

Apparently some earl once slept there.

We're so proud of you, Dad.

Thanks. I only wish my old
man could be here to see this.

You know, it's funny.

He stormed the beaches of Normandy,

and I'm getting a closet award.

We keep topping each other.

Who knows what Joe will do?

Hey, w-what are you doing now?

Well, you know, it's Valentine's Day,

so I think I'm gonna enjoy

the most romantic city in
the world with my husband.

- Mm.
- Oh. Sorry.

Phil can't come to Paris
because he has to work.

It stinks, but I am still
gonna have so much fun

visiting all my favorite places

from the semester I
spent there in college.

Real-estate emergency.

Um, broker/client confidentiality

fobids me from discussing it.

The stuff I've seen...
you do not want to know.

Correct.

Look, if you want,
and you don't feel too awkward

about being a third wheel, maybe...

Ugh! Pity invite from Mitchell?

How the tables have turned.

No, merci.

I'm gonna go find my favorite caf?,

have a glass of wine, and try
not to be sad that I'm all alone.

Okay, great. Have fun.

Bye.

Ooh-la-la.

You know, I heard the bread here

is healthier than the
kind we have back home.

Well, how is that possible?
Bread is bread.

You would think,
but it's actually the way

that the grain is, um...

No, no, it's...
It's the way that the... the ovens...

Okay, look, I'm gonna have a
lot of bread while we're here.

I need it to be okay.

I am so sorry.

I think I'm jet-lagged.

You know what? I might take a nap

while you go out and... explore.

Ooh! Oh.

What was that? W-Why did your bag honk?

I think that was a phone.
You know, that's how they ring here.

Will somebody answer that? Hmm? Hmm?

Don't be mad.

Fizbo?

My sweaters were too bulky to pack,

but Fizbo made the cut?

Oh, come on.
You know it's always been my dream to...

to bring the magic of Fizbo
to the streets of Paris.

You're not jet-lagged.

You were gonna sneak
out and go clown around.

You know that's not how we say it.
It's "clown about."

I-I can't believe you lied to me.

Well, I can't believe I had to.

You know, most clowns have
spouses that are supportive.

I'm not convinced
most clowns have spouses.

Claire was about to meet

Clive Bixby's French cousin, Claude.

The plan was simple enough.

All I did was create
a fake work emergency

and wait for Claire
at her favorite caf?.

Welcome to France.
What is the purpose of your visit?

L'amour.

Just answer the question, sir!

Oh, I'm s-so sorry.

Um, business...

of l'amour.

It helps to add a little sugar...

Claude.

Oh. Thank you, but th...

this is, uh, not my real name.

It's my romantic alter ego.

I'm surprising my wife.

Not bad.

For an American.

Oh, really? You can do better?

Many years ago,
I met a woman in this very caf?.

We had a brief but passionate affair,

spending our days exploring Paris

and our nights...

exploring each other.

Mm.

Well, I-I once took a woman

to both Disneyland and
Knott's Berry Farm.

In the same day.

On the day we parted...

we promised to meet here
on this Valentine's Day

to rekindle our love.

Who knows?

The chances of her even remembering...

Oh, mon dieu.

- Claire!
- Claire!

Mmm.

Bonjour.

Hello.

- Oh!
- Oh.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

"Sorry"?
H-How did you know I speak English?

Have a nice visit.

Excusez-moi.

Um... ou se trouve, um...

What are you looking for?

Mona Lisa? McDonald's?

Both are that way.

Heads up,
the portions here are normal-size.

H-How did you know I'm American?
Is my accent that bad?

We're dressed the same.

There's no reason to attack me.

Hey. Where's Jay?

I think he's nervous.

He has changed his outfit three times.

If this is what it's like to be
married to me, it's no picnic.

We have a problem.
I have to show you something. Come here.

Burl Saunders!

Close. Earl Chambers.

Jay isn't getting the award.

He's accepting it on behalf
of his ex-partner, Earl.

What?

How?

When the Expo called,

Manny talked to them
because he speaks French.

At least, he thought he did.

In my defense,
the French word for "hotel room"

sounds a lot like "chamber."

Oh, oui, oui.

They said you're putting
you up in the royal suite.

It used to be some earl's chamber.

That's closet people for you...
class all the way!

Ah. He's here. What do we do?

Nothing. Tell him the truth.

Jay's a grown man. He can handle it.

Okay, but if he goes for my throat,

be ready to dial neuf, un, un.

That language.
It's like a bunch of horses talking.

Look at this place. Everybody's here.

Heinrich Muler of Berlin Closet-stadt,

Susan Sadaki from Tokyo
Closets and Canned Whale Meat.

It's a regular who's who.

Yeah, even when you say all their names.

You know, I gotta tell you,

this award couldn't have
come at a better time.

With my closet company gone,
sometimes it feels like

I don't have anything to
show for a lifetime of work,

like it didn't matter.

But now I know it did.

Yes.

Wait here.

I'll be right back.

New plan... I'm getting him out of here,
keeping him busy.

You go and talk to the closet people.

Make them give him an award.

Any kind of award.
He won't know the difference.

- How?
- Bribe them.

Blackmail them. Seduce them.

Have I taught you nothing?

Phil?

- Claire.
- Claire?

Guy? Oh, my God.
What are you doing here?

Claire, you know this Guy?

Well, um... I used to.

What are you both doing here?

I came to surprise you
on Valentine's Day.

You know the guy on the plane
with all the face bandages?

- That was me.
- Oh.

Claire, do you not remember

asking me to meet you here in this caf?

exactly 30 years after we parted?

Vaguely.

I-I-I was crazy to think
this could work out.

Of course a woman as
magnificent as you is married.

I don't want to interfere
with your day of romance.

I will wander our old haunts alone

and return to my hotel

in the ghostly embrace of our memories.

- Adieu, Claire.
- Okay, cool. Bye.

- Yeah.
- Let's go.

- Alright, big day. Lots of plans.
- Mm.

First things first,
getting into character.

Oh.

Claude Bixby,

mustard magnate with a flair for...

Uh, Phil... Claude...

I-I love that you're doing all of this,

but doesn't some tiny part of you

feel guilty for ditching Guy?

I mean, he did wait for me for 30 years.

We could invite him for a glass of wine.

Fine.

But I'm warning you,
if he gets out of line,

- Claude knows karate.
- Mm.

And Krav Maga.
He's Jewish on his mother's side.

Ooh.

Let's go this way, to the museum.

Are you sure? I think they're
expecting me back inside.

Make them wait.

Why do you think the brides
arrive after everyone else?

You're the bride.

Yeah, I'm the bride.

- Alright, let's...
- No, no, no.

You know what? It's this side.

- So, tomorrow...
- No, no!

You know what? I'm sorry. It's this way.

- Are you kidding me?!
- What?!

How beautiful!

Bonjour.

B-Bonjour.

Bonjour.

Hunh-hunh.

Oh.

Pardon. Excusez-moi.

Hunh-hunh!

- Bonjour.
- Ooh.

- Une table pour un, monsieur?
- Uh, ehh.

Oh, Claire, remember that time

when we snuck into the
cellar of that wine bar?

Oh, God, we were so crazy and so young!

Not anymore.
What's that, Grandma?

She's a grandma now.

Oh! Well, there's nothing more beautiful

than a life creating life,
which in turn...

Creates more life.

Well, uh...
Claire and I should get going.

I was hoping to get up to Sacre Coeur

to get a view of the whole city.

No need.

I have a rooftop garden
suite at The Peninsula.

It's the best view in town.

How perfect is this?

Frustratingly!

Alright. Here we go.

Let's see here.

Oh.

Bonjour.

In a few minutes, I'm going
to be performing in the square.

Je m'appelle Fizbo.

Lui, c'est Fizbeau.

- What?
- He is Fizbeau!

Fizbeau, okay?

Guy, this suite is so beautiful.

I think the last time we were in Paris,

we had a franc between the two of us.

Oh, God! Who's Frank?

I've been lucky in business,

less so in love.

I guess it's turned
me into a workaholic.

I must be in the office
10, 12 hours a week.

Shall we have some champagne?

Uh, no, thank you.

I'm not really in the
mood for champagne.

Lucky for us,
because there are only two glasses.

- Ah.
- Allow me to make a toast.

- To Phil.
- Aw.

For allowing me to spend a bit more time

with the most generous
lover I've ever...

Okay! I see what you're doing here.

The champagne, the hotel suite,
that carousel ride.

You two stopped laughing
every time I circled around.

I'm sorry, buddy,
but it's not gonna happen.

Phil's right. I'm a married woman.

There will be no romance on this trip.

I'm sorry. I've been a fool.

I guess I let myself indulge in
a fantasy more than I should.

Please, let us all pretend this...

never happened.

Wait.

Was that Poulanc's misdirect?

Indeed.

Oh.

A fellow prestidigitator?

Yes!

Put her there.

Your watch, sir?

- Looking for this?
- What?!

Oh, no way!

We should bounce.

Tell me you're going to
visit Le Mus?e des Magiciens

while you're here.

- Ohh.
- The Museum of Magicians?

I'm dying to go, but they're closed

Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays...

and Mondays and Wednesdays.

Not if you know the owner.

I can get us a private tour.

Sweet! Claire, what do you say?

We can pretend to saw you in half.

Or just do it.

Hello. Hi. Hi. Excuse me.

Why are you dressed like that?

Imposteur!

Tu es un imposteur!

You're... You're the imposteur...

if that word means
what I think it means.

He'd stolen Fizbo.

The whimsically mismatched plaids,

my trademark bold splash of pink,

my blue lip!

He'd clearly seen one of
my online clown tutorials!

Hey, guys. Fizbo again.

Just remember when you're
applying your rouge to go easy.

You're an Auguste clown, not a tramp.

You know what? Give me the jacket.

Oh! I...

I should've seen that coming.

Donne moi ce mouchoir!

- Touch?, monsieur!
- You know what? Give me my wig.

And that's when it hit me.

Ooh!

"The Clowns of Europe."

I got this when I was a teenager.

It was my "Sergeant Pepper's."

Clown after clown pushing the envelope,

including Fizbeau.

B-E-A-U!

Here, I thought I'd come up
with the idea, but he was right.

I was the imposteur.

If that's the word.

For my high school language requirement,

I took auction-calling.

Isn't Napoleon's tomb spectacular?

Just so you know, when I go,
I-I don't need all this.

Look. That's Manny over there.

No, no.

I'll go get him.

How did it go?

Are they giving Jay an award?

No. They said it would set
a very dangerous precedent.

And in perfect English.

Turns out this whole misunderstanding

was completely avoidable.

We need to figure out something.

Jay can never find out

that Earl got an award instead of him.

Wow.

Look at this place.

The craftsmanship, the architecture.

They say the domed ceiling
acts as a whisper chamber.

What does "whisper chamber" mean?

It means I heard
everything you just said.

I have to turn my TV up to 40,

but that was loud and clear!

Ah.

Hunh-hunh.

Mm-hmm. Mm.

- Ah.
- Merci.

Oh.

It was easy to fit in.

All I had to do was look good
and have a lot of attitude.

Paris was just like one big gay bar.

- Et voilà.
- Ah.

Votre pigeon, monsieur.

"Pigeon"?

Notre sp?cialit?.

- Ah.
- Bon app?tit.

Yah.

Yaaaaah.

No. I can't... I can't do it.

I can't do it. I'm not French.

And I-I'm not eating that.

This scarf is driving me crazy!

E-Excusez-moi...

Cheeseburger, that way.

Cool. Thanks, man!

Wow.

It's amazing how much magic
they got out of those old wands.

Today, magicians have it so easy,
you know?

Oh, yeah.

Well, this basically feels
like a natural breaking point,

for me, at least.

Uh, Phil and I should
probably... you know?

If you must, but our tickets

also get us to Le Mus?e des Automates.

They're like robots, but very primitive.

They basically do nothing.

Um, like the one I built
out of old mufflers?

Can we, Claire?

Oh, yes, can we, Claire?

Excuse me.

Hey, Gloria. What's up?

I have a problem.

Yeah, so do I.

Apparently, I'm into nerds.

It's Jay.

He's not getting that award.

What?!

It was some kind of mistake,

he found out, and now we can't find him.

Oh, my God. Okay, I-I'll be right there.

Are you sure it's okay?

Uh, yeah, it's more than okay.

Hey.

Hey.

H-How did you find me?

Well, you're pretty easy to spot.

Look, I-I'm sorry I overreacted, okay?

If you want to be Fizbo, be Fizbo.

I can never be Fizbo again.

Fizbo is dead.

Oh, you're a moving target.

Look, I ran into the real Fizbo today,

and he squirted me in
the face with water

and hit me in the head with a book.

What?!

See, here, I thought I had created

this special, unique thing,

but I'm the one that's
been a fraud all this time!

I'm throwing the suit in the river!

Wait.

That's littering.
There's a trash can right over here.

Wait!

Look, I-I gotta say, um...

I don't...
I don't think you stole anything.

What do you mean?

Well, you said he hit you
in the head with a book.

I mean,
I thought Fizbo was all about joy.

He is. He's the embodiment
of childlike innocence.

Exactly.

Fizbo would never resort to violence.

This guy doesn't sound like Fizbo to me.

Well, he sure looked like him.

Fizbo's more than just
a-a pair of big shoes

and an... un-sexy jacket.

He... He's an idea.

If I've learned anything today,

it's that clothes do not make the man...

or the clown.

And you are the real Fizbo.

- You mean it?
- I know.

Now, come on.

Let's enjoy Paris. It's Valentine's Day.

Mwah.

Come on.

Where did you get this crazy get-up?

People are gonna stare.

So... what was your favorite
part of the robot museum?

Oh, man.

I can't decide. You go first.

No, you'll just copy me.

I do that.

Well, let's, uh,
let's just say it at the same time.

On three.

One, two, three.

The mechanical monkey band.

- Le jinx!
- Jinx!

Double jinx.

Ohhhh.

Pour vous deux.

O-Oh, my God. It's a painting!

Of us!

Merci.

- Merci beaucoup.
- Merci.

Is my... hand on yours?

Yeah, but I-I don't...
think we did that.

Well, um, I better...
better go find Claire.

Of course. Yes.

Okay. W-Weird. I guess this is goodbye.

You... You should have this.

Keep it.

You'll give it to me in 30 years.

In our caf?.

I'll be there.

Au revoir... Guy.

Hey.

I talked to Gloria.

Thought I might find you here.

It's a shame, Notre Dame.

The fire.

Yeah.

It used to be so
impressive back in its day.

It's still pretty impressive.

Just a shell of its former self.

Best days are behind it.

It'll never be the same.

It's taken some hits,
but it's still standing,

and that's... that's grit.

That's what inspires people.

That's what inspires me.

It's so embarrassing.

The whole reason the family's here

is to see me get that damn award.

Oh, Dad!

You and I are the only
ones in this family

who care about closets.

We're here because we love you.

Come on. Let's go
get ready for that dinner.

45 years is a long time
to spend in one industry,

and I've accomplished a lot.

The whisper hinge brought serenity

to the American bedroom.

My glow knobs revolutionized
getting dressed in the dark.

And I led the charge

to standardize the angle of shoe racks.

But the thing that I'm...
that I'm proudest of...

is my family.

Thank you for being here.

I love you all.

You're my lifetime achievement award.

- Oh! Thanks, Dad.
- That's so sweet.

We love you, too.

We love you, Jay.

Claire Pritchett?

Jean-Luc?!

I had a lot of fun here in college.

What are you doing here?

Um... how are you?