Modern Family (2009–…): Season 11, Episode 14 - Spuds - full transcript

Phil and Claire take Haley and Dylan to dinner to reassure them they are not bad parents; Mitch and Cam chaperone on Lily's first date; Jay and Gloria attend Joe's school play.


- Good night, Triangle.
- Good night, Square.

Thanks for showing us
how fun it is to learn.

Do you want to get their pajamas,
or should I...

Ohh.

Next, "Blood Orgy 7:
Rise of the Organ Hoarder."

Aah!

Oh, my God!

Why?!

Why?!

Are you Daniel Boone?

Who's asking?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I just came to see Kentucky,

the fifth-largest tobacco producer

and the third-largest coal
producer in the country.

I feel like I am there.

The only thing more painful
than children's theater

is what's going on
with my back right now.

Why can't you take the pills
that the doctor gave you

so that you can enjoy
your son's tour de force?

I just need a little stretch.

Doctors give you pills
for everything today.

Now we need a volunteer.

Mr. Pritchett,
thank you for your enthusiasm.

- What?
- One of our players

has been kidnapped by his stepfather,

but the show must go on.

Place a star on the flag

every time a territory becomes a state.

Seriously, but do the police...

How 'bout a round of applause?!

Faster, please. We're losing them.

Where are you?

You're missing Joe's tribute
to the 50 nifty United States.

I'm at home in bed with the worst cold.

Afraid the whole family's down.

Might've even lost
a few house plants, yeah.

Okay, well, I'm gonna get some rest now.

Alright. Take care.

- Aah!
- Phil!

You told me you sold your dad's RV!

And you told me you were
running your 5-mile loop!

This street is on your 3-mile course,

so who are you really mad at, Claire?

Gloria, we are so sorry,

but we're not gonna be able
to make it to Joe's play.

No, no, Ronaldo's mom, she had...

well, she had emergency surgery,

and, uh, he and Pepper
dropped off their Great Danes

to our place with no warning.

No! No, stay away from that!
Not the vase!

Sorry, Gloria. I gotta go.

You couldn't just say you had a cold?

Oh, yeah, and Abe Lincoln,

he could've said, "87 years ago,"

and Hamlet could've said,
"Maybe I'll kill myself."

No, it's the finishing touches

that separate the merely good
from great, Mitchell!

Sweetie, I know
you're really tense about this...

No, no, no!
Don't jinx it, don't jinx it!

Cam is up for head coach

- at the University of Nor...
- Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup!

Bup, bup!

Cam is up for head football coach

at the University of
North Central Missouri.

It's his dream job,

and they're supposed to
call him about it today,

and it's making him a little crazy.

In f-fact...

C-Claire's always Dad's favorite,

and I-I'm really miffed about that.

Oh, boy. This again, huh?

Okay. No, go on.

- I'm ready.
- Oh, my God!

- Honey, you look gorgeous! Look at her.
- Ah, sweetie! Oh!

Now, may I give you a piece
of advice from my first date?

Don't say how much
you want to have kids,

and don't cry,
because your makeup will run.

I'm more worried about my date running

when he sees you two there.

You'll barely even notice us, okay?

Just be yourself.
You are... You're so funny.

Okay, tell that funny story

of the old drunk guy who
was kissing the donkey.

Oh, because your family's perfect?

Okay. Oh, my God! That's it!

That's the job!

Where's my phone?! Where's my phone?!

This is the worst thing
that could be happ...

Okay, it's just my mediation app.

Okay, you need to control your man.

If he gets bad news tonight

and melts down in front of Randy,

I can kiss
"kissing him goodbye" goodbye.

Okay, no, I gotcha, I gotcha.
Come on, let's go.

I understand we all
get attached to things

that belonged to our parents.

That's not it.

I'm doing this so you and
I can have some adventures.

Can't you see yourself making
lists and folding shirts

while we drive across
the Golden Gate Bridge?

We're never gonna use this thing.

It guzzles gas,
and it takes an hour to park.

Well, then leave it here.

You've always wanted a guest house.

Not one with seat belts
at the dining table.

No discussion, Dylan.

We're taking them to
see a baby psychiatrist.

Are you still talking
about that crazy movie?

Well, it messed them up!

We took them to the park.

Swing set... bored.

Cute squirrels... snore.

Then an old lady walking her poodle

trips and gets dragged
through a rosebush,

and these two burst out laughing

like two stoners in a tickle fight.

I'm sure you're both overreacting

the way all new parents do.

No, Mom, we're screwing this up.

At the very least, we need help,

like... like an au pair or something.

That's two nannies, right?

- Correct.
- Okay.

Ohh.

Look at how gentle they're
being with that butterfly.

See? You two were worrying for no...

- They're tearing it apart.
- Oh God!

What do you say we leave
the babies with Farrah

and the grown-ups go out and
talk about this over dinner?

Great idea. Oh! Four people, though.

Try fitting that in a regular car.

Wait a minute.

What if we took the R...
You kidding me?!

Remind me to buy some wheel blocks!

Oh, God. Lily needs my help.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm... I'm trying to get her to
tell that funny donkey story.

By making an Eeyore sound?

You know what?
Not all donkeys are depressed.

That's an offensive stereotype

perpetuated by a bunch
of ignorant Iowans.

Oh, my God! My phone's buzzing!

It's just Longinus.

Yeah, we know.
You met Marie Osmond at a Five Guys.

Nobody cares.

My friend said we should try the potato.

- Lily!
- Hey, guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

- Hey.
- Hi!

Hey, guys! What are you doing here?

Oh, just taking a break
from scarring our children.

Now, come on.

Haley and Dylan were having
a little bit of a meltdown,

and we thought we'd
hit Spuds one last time

before they close for good.

I know. It's sad, isn't it?

- Remember we used to spend all of our birthdays here...
- Yeah!

- ...and Spuddy Holly would always sing to us.
- Yes! Oh.

♪ Scalloped, fried, or lyonnaise ♪

♪ Spuds' potatoes amaze ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

I want to stress that I'm adopted.

Why don't we leave the
lovebirds to their date?

Good idea, but you know what?

Spuds is better with more people,
much like a vehicle.

Let's... Let's see if they can
sit the rest of us together.

- Okay, yeah. Alright.
- Okay.

I'd been following Cam's
competitor for the coaching spot

on Instagram, and...

...he beat Cam out for the job,
which meant, any minute,

Cam would be getting the
devastating news himself.

And I-I-I couldn't rely on the
joyful environment of Spuds

to cushion the blow.

Although, it is famously
where Larry King broke up

with four of his wives.

Cam. Cam.

I-I-I just got some bad news,

and I think it's best
that you hear it from me.

Oh, I heard.

They're out of the Impossible Potato.

Now, I'm sorry,

you advertise the first
potato made entirely of meat,

ya better have enough for everyone.

Please just take those pills.

You're more crooked than
General James Wilkinson

during the Louisiana Purchase.

We're down to the last state.

It's actually better if I move.

Wow. This is gorgeous.

What do you call this place, again?

Pearl Harbor.

Aah!

Save the flag, boys!

Haley, get off your phone.

The babies are fine with Dylan's mom.

If you're feeling tense,
my dad's old foot bath is in the RV.

Plugs right into the cigarette lighter.

Honey, there could be a money volcano

that plugs right into a
white wine fountain in there.

I still wouldn't want it.

I keep remembering things
I forgot to tell her.

My kids are already sociopaths.

I don't need to give them a
strawberry allergy on top of it.

Oh, I completely, totally get that.

Just gonna turn this off.

You know what? Hey, let...
let's all turn off our phones. Come on.

Yeah, you can... No, come on.
Live in the moment.

I mean, appreciate the
fact that we live in a town

with family and friends

all sitting at the same table where...

Oh, yeah, "Eisenhower
planned the D-Day invasion."

Well, that's probably not true.

Sounds like somebody's nervous

about a possible move to Missouri.

No, I'm... I'm just pointing out

that there are a lot of
really great things here.

Like... Like, wouldn't it be a shame

to cut that blossoming
relationship short?

Actually, I'm not so sure how
much I trust that Randy guy.

I mean, what kind of sicko is
attracted to a 12-year-old?

I wonder if his parents
messed him up, too.

You know, I read on a mommy blog

that bad parenting is a direct
link to future criminality...

- and deejaying.
- Okay, you know what?

You two need to be careful

because you can read so
much about how to parent,

you miss out on being one.

Mitchell struggled with that.

Just relax.

Aww, sweetheart.

Oh.

- Did you put hair spray in this?
- Just a little bit, yes.

I'm gonna put some music on.

- No, Cam, I have to go work.
- Dance with her!

- Come on. I don't have time for this.
- Put a little boogie in it.

- No, come on, it...
- ♪ Stand up ♪

Just dance. You know you love this song.

Alright. Okay.

Who's the dancing queen, huh?

♪...all over town ♪

Put a little boogie in it.

See? Fun.

- Oh, my...
- Was that her head?

Sorry. I forgot how that story ended.

It ended with us in the ER

of one of the best
hospitals in the world.

Nice having that only a mile away.

I'll have you know that the
life expectancy in Missouri

just climbed above Arkansas and Guam.

Okay, give me back my phone.
I'm ordering baby helmets.

Stop worrying.

Kids get bonked all the time.

Do you know how many tumbles Luke took?

I think he wants to go out.

Good boy!

Smart dog.

I hate to break it to you,
but I think all dogs can do that.

I'm gonna play outside.

Ow!

What happened?

And he's fine.

...ish.

I love the guy, but we're aiming
a little bit higher than Luke.

Haley, you kind of want your kids
to get knocked around a little.

It toughens them up for things

that we all go through in adulthood.

Daddy wins!

Do you believe in miracles?!

USA! US...

Oh, no!

Oh, geez!

Oh, my... What was that?

- Was that a person that fell...
- I'm good!

Dad?!

Hey, Dad, think fast.

Aren't you being a little...

But this isn't an emergen...

Now it i-i-i-i-is!

I mean, sure,
I can no longer taste salt, but...

I know that they're going
to get bumps and bruises,

but I'm talking about
psychological scars.

I've had some experience
with that myself.

- Surpri...
- Oh, oh!

No! Oh!

- No!
- No!

I'm sorry!

- Nothing's happening!
- Oh, my God!

It still haunts her.

Not to be weird,
but she still won't let me

mention your names
while we're making love.

- Okay.
- Well, well, well.

Yes, well, well, well.

I see your cold is better.

Turns out it was, like,
an allergy... thing.

And Pepper's Great Danes?

Oh, uh, well, you know,
they're big dogs.

They... um, and they don't,
uh, uh, live long.

So they're...

they're dead.

I must look like Frederick Seward

during the Alaska Purchase,

because, apparently,
you think that I'll buy anything.

Gloria, okay, okay.

We're s... We're sorry...
We're sorry we lied to you,

but if it makes you feel any better,

Longinus took this
really great photo of you

at the Shakira concert
the night that you missed

Lily's clarinet recital
because of pink eye.

Ohh!

I see that you've been waiting

to spring that attack on me,

just like Andrew Jackson in
the Battle of New Orleans.

Is this my life now?

I'm gonna use the restroom.

Will someone order the
table-side baked potatoes?

I mean, that's half of why
you come here... for the show.

- Public restroom, huh?
- Mm.

Shame he can't go in the
privacy of his own car.

It's true. The RV does have a bathroom.

And a bolted-down Mr. Coffee,

bear-proof undercarriage food bins.

And how many miles
would you say is on it?

Wait!

You're selling her on Craigslist?

And this isn't even a good picture!

This is her bad side!

Hey, look,
I get the value of an RV, Claire.

There is so much natural beauty
to explore here in California.

The Golden State!

Are you really trying to get
out of moving to Missouri?

No, no!

Sounds like what we need
is a Missouri Compromise.

Gloria, are you drugging
Grandpa's Potato-tini?

You saw how bent over he is.

For some reason, he's scared of pills,

and I can't watch him suffer anymore.

I hate it when they get cute
with the bathroom signs.

Why would French fries mean ladies

and baked potato gents?

Just throw one of them into a skirt.

So, uh, Dad,

Gloria says that you won't
take pills for your back?

I got to get this from all sides now?

I don't like what they do to me,
alright?

They make me feel super...

Horny? Constipated?

Emotional.

You know, sometimes you can
just ride out a pause, buddy.

Anyway, the pain got so bad,
I broke down.

I took a couple in the men's room,

which is the maximum dose, so strap in.

N-N...

You know, I'm gonna miss this place.

Look, Spuddy Holly!

He just about said it all, didn't he?

"Scalloped, fried, lyonnaise.

Spuds' potatoes do amaze."

- Four pills? Is he gonna be okay?
- He can handle it.

Dad lived through the closet scene
in the '80s.

So did I.

Oh, my God.
He's talking to Lily and Dylan!

I'm Dylan.

You know, Randy,
you remind me of a young me,

prowling Saigon with
a Vietnamese beauty.

- There was this one bar I used to...
- Let's go.

Let's get you some black coffee.

Peekaboo! George! Poppy!

Hello? Is anybody home?

What gives? Mister Napkin usually kills.

- Who wanted coffee?
- Ah, here!

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

They're laughing! See? They're psychos!

Ay! Sorry, mister. Are you okay?

I actually don't feel anything,
which is even more scary.

Don't be scared to feel, buddy.

You could end up running away

from an emotional
situation with your kids,

and those are always the most rewarding.

You ask me, you're lucky.

She dumped me by text

while making out with her old boyfriend.

I broke down crying.

My charcoal ran like mascara.

I had to be comforted by
the other team's mascot.

Lucky?

Aw, I'm not gonna lie to you.

It sucks, and sometimes it's
got to suck for a while.

I just wish I could say some magic words

or give you a hug, make it all go away.

In a way, he raised me.

Pull yourself together, man!

Haley, um,

I think what your...
chemically humanized grandfather

is trying to say is that kids
are built to last.

Sure, they... they go through stuff,

but they survive,
especially when you're around to help.

I miss him.

Yeah.

He was your first real boyfriend.

I keep expecting him to show up.

He used to come by at night,
and I'd sneak out to see him.

Yeah, I know.

You knew?

His car is 30 years old
and doesn't have a muffler.

And he honked.

I loved that car.

I know it hurts now, sweetheart,

but that's how you know it was
a relationship worth having.

Aw.

Well, what happened?

Did he come back?

That...

That was you, buddy.

I love this kid.

I remember when he was a baby.

We met my senior year of high school.

Who does everyone think I am?

You know, it's...

Thing about babies, you...
you fall in love with a baby

with the cutest little fat folds,

and then... bam... they're gone.

But it's okay, because in its place

is this... toddler

with the greatest laugh on Earth.

And then one day, the toddler's gone,

and in its place, a little kid

that asks the most interesting
questions you've ever heard.

And this keeps going on like that,

but you never get the
chance to miss any of them,

'cause there's always a new kid
to take the place of the old.

Until they grow up.

And then... in a moment,

all those kids you fell in love with

walk out the door at the same time.

Jesus.

Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer.

I'm just saying it goes fast.

Like the expression...

"You never know the last
time you pick up your kid."

The point we're making, Haley,

is that it's natural to
worry over your kids.

It... It just means that you love them.

So, I'm always gonna feel like
I screwed them up somehow?

Kind of.

I mean, eventually,
you'll be able to laugh at it...

probably around the time that
you're reassuring your own children

that they didn't screw up their babies.

Thanks.

No, actually, thank you.

It's nice to know, as parents,
that we can still have...

Dad?

I miss picking up my little girl.

And it won't be the last time, damn it!

- Oh!
- You want a piggyback ride, honey?

No. No. No.

- You sure?
- Okay, I'm calling it.

Oh, my gosh!

Okay, this is it!

Uh...

Hello?

- The French fries were only okay.
- Sorry about that.

- Took a minute getting Jay to his car.
- Mm.

He saw a cloud that looked
like his old football coach,

- and he didn't want to be alone.
- Ohh!

- Turned out to be kind of a fun night, huh?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

By the way...

I got a response to my Craigslist ad.

Oh. Oh, that was fast.

Yeah.

Yeah, really nice couple,

soon to be empty nesters...

three kids, two new grandkids.

Wife's a little high-strung.

Husband's a bit of an oddball

with an infectious lust for life.

They sound like weirdos. No sale.

Phil, I'm talking about us.

We should keep the RV.

That is amazing.

What changed your mind?

I think it was hearing
all those stories tonight.

And the kids'll be gone soon.

We'll probably spend a
lot of time on the road.

Might as well do it in
the height of luxury...

with a carpeted bathroom and
a four-in-one game table.

- You're incredible.
- Mm.

What did I do to deserve
a wife cool enough

to let me keep my dad's
RV and his newborn parrot?

- His newborn what?
- Mmmmmwah.

- Honey, parrots live like 70 to 8...
- Mmmmmm.

That was not the call I was expecting.

Sweetie, I know.

I-I saw the other coach
celebrating on Instagram,

uh, drenching himself in Gatorade...
in the house.

There was a rug.
Who's gonna clean that up?

Not him, I bet.

I'm reading from your face that you
didn't know until I just told you.

Now I'm just talking out of nerves.

Damn it! I...

I didn't get it?!

I mean, I know I'm hard to read,
but I really wanted that job.

I'm so sorry. C-Come here.

Wait, is that why
you were selling California

all night long to me?

Because you wanted to soften
the blow when I heard?

- Yeah.
- Well, that is weirdly sweet.

- I'll be there in a second.
- Okay.

- Um...
- Just wanted to let you know the donkey story killed.

- Ha ha!
- It totally broke the ice.

We've been having so much fun!

Oh, honey! I'm so happy!

Thanks. Me, too.

He asked if I could go
outside and get ice cream.

- Can I?
- O-Of course, yes.

But just make good choices
about the toppings.

Don't get sprinkles. They're just wax.

Well, now,
there's a small victory at least, right?

First date was a success,
and we get an assist.

S... Uh, sorry... football term.

Eh, except it isn't.

Uh, by the way,
what was that phone call you got?

Oh. Uh crazy.

Our adoption agency.

From years ago?

Y-Yeah, apparently, uh,
they were migrating the database,

and somehow, our profile got
accidentally reactivated and...

and somebody picked us.

Wait, picked us?

A-As in there... there's a baby?

I know. Wild, right?

W-Well, you... you told them no?

Well, it felt wrong until
I talked to you about it,

but, yeah, I-I'll... I will.

I'll tell 'em.

It was really fun telling
those stories tonight.

Yeah.

Really puts losing a job in perspective.

You know, none of our best memories

have anything to do with work.

They all have to do with that
little girl right out there.

Well, you know,
she's not so little anymore.

Oh. Oh, I think we're about
to have a hand-holding moment.

You know, we got pretty good
at this parenting thing,

didn't we?

Um... so, uh, we...
we have to tell the agency tonight?

Well, technically,
we have 24 hours to, uh... decide.

Okay.

Jay. I'm sorry.

I will never drug you again.

But it was so nice to see
you so open and honest.

Yeah, I was a regular "Honest Abe."

Who's that?

It's probably good to be
emotional every now and then.

I should probably practice
letting it out without a pill.

Hey, I was proud of you
in that show you did.

I love you!

I know. We had this conversation
four times last night.

Really?

Um, maybe you should check
your call history.

Oh, no.

You inspire me.

And I think I'm rude to you sometimes

because I'm scared of that, Phil.

This is a long way of saying

I think I finally have a best friend.

You inspire me.

And I think I'm rude to you somet...