Modern Family (2009–…): Season 11, Episode 1 - New Kids on the Block - full transcript

No mail. Again.

Hey, Portal, call Dad.

♪ When the rates fall

♪ They will refi

♪ And that'sthe Realtor's lullaby ♪

George, please!

Why are they
still crying?

Do you think they know
they're chubby?

It took us a while,

but we finally
named our babies.

This is Poppy,



because that's
my favorite flower.

And this is George,

because he came out
looking curious.

You know,
like Boy George.

Oh, hey, Portal, answer.

Hi, Alex!

How's my little
ice queen?

Didn't love being called that
in high school,

don't love it now.

Hey, honey.Um, people keep asking --

tell me again
what you're doing?

Detecting the presence
of neutrinos

beneath the South Pole.

Yeah, you -- you can stop. I'm just gonna keep telling them



you're searching for the snow monster.

Seriously, Alex?

You can't come downstairs
to talk to us?

I've been gone for a month.

Wait. So, that'smy hair
in the drain?

Honey, is everything okay?

You look
a little sad.

Oh, no, no.

I was sad earlier,
and my face froze that way.

But no regrets
about turning down

that cushy tech job in L.A.

I mean, yeah,
I miss Bill

and the safety
of other women around,

but Grandpa was right.

This is the time of life
to have an adventure.

Is this a bad time?

Yeah.

Well, I know all about
sleep deprivation.

Uh-huh. The sun never sets here,

so I've been up for days.Yeah, that's fun.

Really nice, honey. I dream awake now.

Hang on a second.
Haley.

Haley, I know that you
are committed to breastfeeding

and the book,

but I think it's time
that you considered formula.

It will help
the babies sleep,

and the pediatrician said
it is perfectly healthy.

I'm living proof.
I was a formula baby --

had a full set of teeth
at six months.Yeah.

But the book says --

Uch, the book.

What do you have
against my book?

It is called "Your Parents
Did Everything Wrong."

Dr. Goode is a celebratedpediatric life coach.

And can you tone downthe negativity?

Chapter six says that it cancause an allergy to peanuts.

Uh-huh.

Oh, man, no kid should grow up
without Snoopy.

Alex: Sounds like
a crazy morning.

I miss those.

My research partner, Yngvar,
doesn't speak English.

Yngvar:
Is me who did that?

Hmm.

Except for what he learned from reruns of "Family Matters."

Phil:
Guys!

So that can be
a little annoying

having a research partner
not speak your language,

but I could also try
and learn his language,

which I have.

Wake them,
and I kill you.

Phil: Uh-oh.

Ah...Ah...

Ah...

Ah...

--Captions by VITAC--

Ruff!
More Spanish.

R-R-R-Ruff!

If this
is role-playing,

I'd like to play the part
of disgusted son.

I'm making a promo videofor my dog-bed company.

And Stella's the star,of course.

Today we're recordingher voice.

And I am doing
the Spanish version.

Who's directing it?

I don't know.
Me, I guess.

Wow,that's a punch in the gut.

Why, Manny?
Do you want to direct it?

Why not?

Some of our best artistsstarted out making commercials.

Am I better than Spike Jonze
or Guillermo del Toro?

Nope.

Listen, normally
I would just

cook up some fake reason
why you couldn't direct it,

but in this case,
I have a real excuse.

Your old girlfriend,
Sherry,

is the voice
of Stella.

Jay,
how could you?

After she broke his heart
when she got repulsed

by the idea of
getting married to him?

More overwhelmed
than repulsed,

as I remember it.

She's already on our website

as Stella's voice.

Changing that now

could be jarring for our fans.

Like when they made

my GPS lady British.

I'd rather be lost

than talked down to by a snob!

Please, Jay.

I need to prove to myself
that I'm over her,

that I can rise above itand be professional.

Fine,
but if your emotions

get in the way
of this production,

you will never work
in dog-bed commercials again.

Don't worry.

My only passion

is helping you realizeyour creative vision.

By day's end,
Sherry will be mine.

Oh, no,which icon's birthday

are we
celebrating today?

Uh,
Lauren Bacall's.

We're dropping tulips
by her grave later,

but that's not
what this is.

No, I'm having some
at-risk students over.

Why, you ask?
I'm good.

Well, 'cause I want
to bond with these kids.

I want them to know
that even though

the rest of the world's
given up on them,

I haven't.

I don't want to just be
their Vice Principal.

I want to be
their niceprincipal.

I can't believeyou let this happen.I didn't know
there'd be wordplay.

Cam asked me to speak tohis students as an Assistant DA,

give them the perspective
of law enforcement.

Truth is, I have been looking
for an opportunity

to show off my new badge.

Even the most hardened criminals

shudder when they get
a gander at -- Ohh!

Please don't be scratched!

♪ With a banjo
on my knee ♪

I don't carewhat these kids did.

This is cruel.
I know.

A vice principal
that plays rock 'n' roll.

Am I a little different?
Yes, I am.

I'm not like
the other adults in your life

that are just
waiting for you to mess up

so they can point
the finger at you.

I don't want to finger
a bunch of kids.

That's not
how I get my jollies.

Cam. Cam.

I know what it's like.

I had issues in school,

and I was fingered
left and right.

And let me tell you,
it did not feel good.

Oh, Mitchell,
should we be recording this?

Oh, yes,
no one's gonna believe me.

How long is this gonna take,Mr. Tucker?

Oh, now, Mr. Tucker's the cool
vice principal at school.

Here at my house

call me Cam.

Okay?

And this is Mitchell.

He's an Assistant
District Attorney,

and he is
our guest speaker.

He's so white
he's see-through.

Thank you.

We live in a society
bound by laws.

Okay?

They're all that stand
between order and chaos.

And those
who violate those laws

wind up staring at
the business end of --

Cam:
It's gone!

What,the spotlight on you?

No,
my porcelain clown figurine.

It's supposed to be
on this table.

It's always
on this table.

One of youstole it!

And on
Lauren Bacall's birthday?

Cam. Cam.
R-Relax.

Uh, isn't the whole pointof today not to prejudge them?

Oh, please, Mitchell.
They're trash.

I know it.
They know it.

Everybody knows it.

♪ Welcome home,
my sweet babies ♪

♪ After escrow, get the key

Please don't
sing that song.

Sorry, it's better than
"Pop Goes the Appraisal."

Aw. Shh.
Mom,
what are you doing?

Stop it. The book says
you're not supposed to

make eye contact
during nap time.

They're babies,not Johnny Depp on a film set.

♪ Open house, noon to 5:00

♪ Such a charming fixer-upper

H-o-ow's it going?

Still crying.

You didn't make eye contact,
did you?

That can't be
a thing, Phil.

And I'm getting
a little sick

of Haley insinuating thatwe don't know how to raise kids.

She can't be
saying that about me.

I spent half my 30s in
blanket forts with those kids.

You know what?

Youneed to get her
to go to sleep

so I can put those babies downthe right way.

Our way.

She's crazed right now. How am Isupposed to get her to sleep?

I don't know. How did you do itwhen she was a kid?

Dad, isn't the drugstorethat way?

It is,
but there's construction,

so I got to --
got to go around.

Is it warm in here?

I feel fine.

You know, uh, I just discovered
this new station

called
"Winds of the World."

Ooh, this is --
this is a good one.

If you close your eyes,

it feels like you're
right there in, um...

"Open Prairie."

Try it. You should get some restback there.

I'm not sleepy.

Well,
you don't have to sleep.

Just, uh --
Just rest your eyes.

Uch.
I don't wanna.

You are just grumpy
'cause you're overtired.

Stop saying I'm tired!

Okay.

I know.

Let's make a list

of all the things
we want to do tomorrow.

I am, uh --
I'm gonna have some waffles,

uh, go outside,

uh, make a list
of all my friends' names.

There's, uh,
the mailman...

the lady with the
ice cream...house...

Cuando te acuestas en una cama
de perro por Stella,

sabes que eres amado.

It's perfect, honey.We got it.

She's never
gonna get there.

I'll ask one of the nanniesin the park to do it

next time I take Joe.

They love me.

I can never get out of therewithout a bag of tamales.

Well, there's our star!

Hey, Jay.Love the script, so fun!

Manny.

I didn't know
you'd be here.

I'm your director.

No reason
it has to be awkward.

As long as you do
everything I say

between "action"
and "cut."

Speaking of which,

I've been getting
quite a bit of action.

And cut. Look, I'm renting
this joint by the hour.

Can we just do this?

Hi, Gloria.

Hi, Sherry.
Break your legs.

Okay, Sherry,whenever you're ready.

Boy, am I tired after a day
of playing fetch, digging,

and sniffing other dogs
at the park.

If only there were
an American-made bed...

Ugh, I'm so sorry.
That was terrible.

Manny,
can we start over?

I never stopped.
Oh.

You mean the commercial.Yes.

Although,
that was exquisite.

I believed
that you're a dog.

It's Gloria.

And you,
you're embarrassing yourself.

What are you
talking about?You're trying
to win her back.

The unbuttoned shirt,
the cologne,

the praising
of her pedestrian performance.

It's not gonna work,
Manny.
Why not?

Because if you want someone
to like you,

you need to make them
wantyour approval.

Mom, that's a tired,old way of thinking

that doesn't work.

Here you go.

What do you think
is wrong with this?

Damn it, the lemon!
I'm sorry, baby.

L-Let's start
from the top.

And this time,
not so slow.

Stronger.

Assert yourself,
Manuel.

And I couldn't understanda word you were saying.

Try to get the marblesout of your mouth.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah,
whatever you need.

Wow,maybe this could work.

While you're up,my shoulders are a little tight.

You mind
getting in there?

I don't think you want my hands
that close to your neck.

I invite you into my home,

and this
is how you repay me?

Oh, I know
what you were thinking.

"He'll never miss it.
He lives like a king."

We didn't take
your stupid clown!

Interesting you know
it's a clown, Suzie!

You said it three times,Cameron.

It's Vice Principal Tucker!

Show some respect.
I'm not your mom's pimp.

Mitchell: Oh.
Okay, Cam.

Cam, I-I know you likeyour tchotchkes,

but aren't these kids hereso you can bond?

Um...

Hey, Alex.
Everything okay?

Alex: Yeah, yeah.
I-I'm probably overreacting.

It's just
I tried to make friends

with one of the scientists,
but there's a language gap.

He misunderstood
and kissed me.

So it's
a little awkward now.

Uh-huh,
that sounds fun.

What?!
It's not.
Oh.

I kind of
want to come home,

but Grandpa was so excited
about me doing this,

and I don't want
to disappoint him.

Hey, you've disappointed him
a lot.

What was that like?

Ohh, Alex,I struggled with this for years,

but I-I finally learned

that the most important thing
is --

Hey, Alex!
Say "Hi" to Santa Claus.

Bye! I'm at the South Po--

Okay.

Alright, I've decided
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna turn the heat up
on one of the kids.

If they did it,
they'll confess.

If not,
the actual criminal...Mm-hmm?

...will feel guilty
and step forward.

So, this is gonna beour whole Saturday?

Okay.

Why -- Why did we evenbuy bikes?

You took his stupid,
little clown, didn't you?

I find it sadthat your generation

is so damaged
and cynical.

It happened a few days ago.

I hated that thing.

It had to go.

I mean,
that's how collections start.

I wasn't crazy about
the cat cozy, either.

But I never intended

for Cam to blame it
on one of those poor kids.

I mean, I was just gonna pin it
on the cleaning lady.

Where's it at,
Wonderbread?!

Uh, I don't know whatyou're talking about,Mr. Tucker. I-I swear.

Mitchell:
Okay. Okay.

Let's just, uh --
Let's all take a breath

and just remember some of
the basics of the law, okay?

We're all innocent
until proven guilty.

Take it from someonewho is packing one of --

oh, dang it.Ooh, I left it in the kitchen.

Okay,
stay right there.

This is lame.
Let's bounce.Okay, no.

No one is bouncing
until I get my figurine.

But I have to
get home soon.

I've read your file,Belinda. No one knowsor cares where you are.

And...

done!

Oh, why?! Why?!

What is going on?

How are they
still awake?

I tried the vacuum.
I tried formula.

I tried everything.

Not quite.

It is time
to break out...

the big guns.

Hmm?

I knowHaley banned pacifiers,

but I bought these

when I thoughtshe was gonna be a fun mom.

Let's do it.

Look at that.

It's working already.

Old-schoolparenting for the win.

They'll be asleep
in no time,

unless they see
each other.

Then they won't be able
to stop laughing.
Yes.

What the hell?

Formula? Pacifiers?

Are you kidding me?!

This is a very weird wayof saying, "Thank you, Mother,

for settling down
my babies.

I have a lot
to learn from you."

You ignored
everything I asked of you!

Haley, don't be so hard
on your mom.

Ohh, you!

Those pacifiers have you
written all over them.

Hmm.

Babies aren't
supposed to smoke!

How could you sneak behind
my back like that?

Honey, we were just tryingto help.

Well, you didn't.

The book says 85%
of pacifier users

grow up
to be cat people.

I can't believe I'm saying this,but you need to stop reading.

And do what?

Do what?
Rely on my instincts?

I don't have any.
That is the problem!

Honey,
everybody has instincts.

Oh, do I?

Because I keep waiting
for them to kick in,

and they haven't.

And I don't think
that they ever will.

I just -- Maybe I'm just not
meant to be a mom.

Sweetie, of course
you're meant to be a mom.

Listen, it is normal
to feel overwhelmed. Really.

It -- The best parents
are the ones who worry

they're doing it wrong.

Same goes for lovers.

Wait, are the babies
still on the couch?

Oh,
I'm sure they're fine.

It's locked. Babies start
rolling over at this age.

Oh.
Do you have a key?

Uh, it's inside, but I hid oneout here years ago.

It's in, um...

It's in a fake rock.

Can't -- Can't find it.

It's -- It's too realistic.

Why did I spring
for the good one?

I have to get in there.

Haley!
Haley, what are you doing?!

Honey.
Honey, be careful.

It's impossible not to fall off
of that roof!

Poppy! George!
Mommy's coming!

Claire: Those sure look like mominstincts to me!

You're a natural!

Now we know how she used
to sneak in after curfew.

And who's hanging the Christmaslights this year.

Yeah.
Babies are up.

Somebody gonna
take care of that?

When you lie down
in a Dog Bed by Stella,

you know you're loved.

Was that any better?

Where to begin,where to begin...

You've met a dog, right?

Yes.

And I know you've feltloved before.

So let's link those two ideasand try to get it this time.

Can I get some water first?

I suppose.

You should make her drink it
out of a dog bowl.

That seems over-the-line,but you were right.

This is working.

Hey, Alex. Kinda in the middleof something.

Okay. It's just that things
are spiraling

a little bit down here.

This guy, Yngvar,
keeps trying to woo me

with things he's killed.

Oh.

Another fish.
Thanks.

I'll...put it
with the others.

We're still at this?Meter's running.

And...action.

When you lie down
in a Dog Bed by Stella,

you know you're loved.

Wow.

You have her
right where you want her.

Now, go in there,
give her a little praise,

and then reel her in.

It won't be hard.

This is her best performance

since that improv audience
suggested "Jackée O."

Alex: Yngvar does seem sweet.

I read the suicide rate here
has plateaued.

Okay, that's enough.
Wrap it up, kid.

Time to go home.

Oh. Thank you.

This has not
been working out.

I mean, I just needed your
permission to admit it

because part of me came
down here to impress you.

See you soon, Grandpa.
Love you.

So?

That was really good.

Oh, thank God.

I mean, it's all you.

I've never had a directorwith such a sure hand.

It's so electric.

It is, isn't it?

What do you say we get a drink,Brown Eyes?

It was all happening.

I was on the brink
of a directorial masterpiece.

This was the kind of thing
that could launch me

straight into
an unpaid internship.

Let's put a pin
in that drink.

I wanna go again.

It took 63 more takes,
but I got it.

When you lie downin a Dog Bed by Stella,

you know you're loved.

You're a purebred.
Stop acting like a mutt.

Again!

When you lie downin a Dog Bed by Stella,

you know you're loved.

There's pain behind this.

They spayed you
without your permission!

It's your body! Who decided?!
Again!

When you lie downin a Dog Bed by Stella,

you know you're loved.

Again!
When you lie downin a Dog Bed by Stella,

you know you're loved.

And cut!
We're good in here.

Anything you wanna try?

Not with you!

Cameron: Garbage.That's what I'm looking at here.

Human garbage.

Yeah, you're right.

It's just like my mom says --I'm nothin'.

I'm gonna join a gang,get a face tattoo.

I'm gonna sell my hair
for nose drugs.

No, okay, stop!I-I can't take it anymore.

I'm sorry.I threw away the statue.

It was --It was just so tacky.

You guys, please don't give upon yourselves, okay?

You havevery bright futures.

Yeah, you're right.

They sure do...in theater.

Because this is the theater
group from school,

The Emotivations!

Bravo! Brava!

I found this in the trash
the other day.

I knew you put it there
and wouldn't admit it.

So I brought some very talented
young thespians over

to portray
at-risk youth.

He got you, girl!

You know, I said I wanted to
bond with these kids,

and I sure did.

We had some
hard-core bondage.

You're gonna get fired.

Ahh!

This bed feels good
on my weary bones.

Mmm!

Bones.

Alex:
Sometimes in life, you've got
to know when to call it quits.

It's not always easy.

It takes a lot of courage
to admit your mistakes.

The only thing you can do
is try to learn from them

and keep moving forward.

Anyways, the helicopterwill be here soon.

So,I guess this is goodbye.

Aw!

I'll miss you, too.

Do you hear that?

There is no sound betterthan babies not crying.

Mm, we're gonnaget so much sleep.

Or...

Again?

I just feel like
I could do better.

Oh, you were fine.

Really?
Mm.

Yes!

Mm. Good night.

Good night.

Hey!

What?! What is that?!What is it?!

Haley!What are you doing?!

I locked
myself out again.

Oh.

Great.
Thanks for screaming.

Ohh.

Well... as long as
we're both awake...