Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Coal Digger - full transcript

[Birds Chirping]

Let's go, buddy.
Schooltime.

Oh, and Gloria, if you
want to get together
with the girls later,

I could just, you know,
watch the football game
or something.

That means he wants
to watch a football game.

I'm not talking to you.

What are you drinking
coffee for anyway?

It's my culture.
I'm Colombian.

Oh, yeah? What part
of Colombia are those
French toaster sticks from?

Babe, I'm not sure about the game.
The whole family's coming over
for the barbecue.

That's today?
Sí.



It's the Ohio State game.
So? Everybody can watch.

I don't like watching
the game...

with people who don't know
the game.

People talk.
You talk at my football games.

For one thing,
it's called soccer.

Your team scored two goals
all season.

I'm not taking a big risk.

How much of this
did you drink?

Give me a break.
I have to climb
a rope today.

[Haley]
Hey, Mom.
[Claire] Yeah?

Can I have $40 for lunch?

Forty dollars?

- I also need a book for school.
- What book?

[Sighs]
I want a dress.



Do you have any idea
what a bad liar you are?

I'd be more worried that she
couldn't come up with
a single book title.

[Phil]
Luke, come on.
We're late.

Mmm, there's a first-
inside out and backwards.

At least it isn't
zipped into his-
Oh. There it is.

Well, there's book smart,
and then there's street smart.

Yeah, and then
there's Luke.

Oh, he's just-
He's just curious. That's all.

He's got this almost
scientific mind...

with a thirst
for knowledge.

He's like this little Einstein.

Some people ask, "Why?"

- Luke asks, "Why not?"
- [Slurping]

I ask "Why?" a lot.

We're at the 10.
We're at the five.

We're at the one.
Daddy, we're scoring
a touchdown!

No, please- please don't
spike our baby.

Why is she dressed
like the Hamburglar?

She's a referee.
Oh. Do- Do we even have
to go to my dad's tonight?

Are you kidding me?
We're playing Ohio State.

I collect antique fountain pens.

I'm quite adept at Japanese
flower arrangement- ikebana-

and I was a starting offensive lineman
at the University of Illinois.

Surprise.

I don't like football.
You know what?

I thought part of being
in a relationship...

was pretending to enjoy
your partner's interests.

Do you think I really loved
home pickle-making?

Yeah, 'cause you did.

For a week, until we became
the weird guys who gave
everybody pickles.

Oh, thank you, Marvin,
for inviting us into
your lovely home.

Here. Would you care
for a sack of pickles?

- It was charming.
- We were picklers, Mitchell.

Okay, you know what?
Fine. Stay home with
your little jagged scissors.

- Maybe catch up
on your scrapbooking.
- Come- You loved scrapbooking.

Did I, Mitchell?
Did I?

Stop. Don't do
the "double question
to prove a point" thing.

I hate it when people do that.

Do you, Mitchell?
Do you?

Stop, Lily.

[Man]
♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

No problem.
We'll be right down. Thanks.

[Dial Tone, Beeping]
[Sighs]

[Line Ringing]

[Phil On Phone]
Hey, honey. What's up?

The school just called.
Luke got in a fight.

Oh, geez. Is he okay?

Yeah, he's fine,
but they want us
to come down there.

Where are you?
I'm showing a house.

What house?

I'm golfing.

[Beeps]
[Dial Tone]

I bet it was
that Durkas kid.
I hate that kid.

He probably jumped on Luke
and Luke just fought back.

Kid's a menace.
He made fun
of my hair once.

Shh. The parents
are probably in there.

I slept on it funny.
Like that never happened to him?
Come on.

- What are you doing here?
- These two knuckleheads
were fighting each other.

- What?
- [Phil] Could've been worse.

I was not ready
to face Durkas today.

So what happened?

Well, apparently there was some
name-calling and shoving
on the playground.

By the time a teacher
separated them,

Luke was sitting
on Manny's chest.

- Luke, that's not like you.
- Wait a minute.

- You're Luke's father?
- Grandfather.

- So Manny's father is-
- Javier.

Crazy guy. That's where
he gets his fire.

- Okay, you're-
- He's our son.

- And my grandson.
- I'm his daughter.

- So you're-
- His uncle.

Stop saying that or I'll
sit on your chest again.

Ho! Wait a second.
Is that what this
was all about?

He keeps calling me
his nephew.
You are my nephew.

Shut up!
[Principal]
Okay, okay.

I'm getting the sense
that you're all related,
uh, somehow.

So it's probably best if you
work this out at home...

so the boys can
go back to class, okay?

But we're not happy
about this, boys.

This is not how
mature young men behave.

Here's your note
for Miss Passwater.

[Chuckles]

[Door Opens, Closes]

Look, I wouldn't worry.
They're good kids.

It's just tough when one kid's
a little different.

Yes.
Yes.

You heard how
she said that, right?

[Mock Accent]
"Yes."

[Normal Voice]
She thought Luke
was the weird one. Luke.

Her kid gets his head
stuck in the furniture,

and Manny
is the different one.

I will tell you what's weird.
Our son is not weird.

What's weird is that
her kid wears aftershave
and dresses like a count.

I think we should
cancel with them
for the barbecue.

If we cancel, it'll just
make this a bigger deal
than it is.

It'll be good
for Luke and Manny
to spend some time.

Might be good
for you and Gloria too.
Why?

She's always had
a problem with me.

I think I'm gonna find out
what it is.

That's the worst thing
you could do. Just
sweep it under the rug.

I'm not a sweeper.
Trust me on this.

I think you two
need to talk it out.

I don't have anything
to say to her.

She's the one
with the problem, not me.

Whose side are you on?
She's my daughter.
You're my wife.

Let's remember
what's important here.

There's
a football game on.

I just hate it
when my two girls
aren't getting along.

How exactly
is she your girl?

[Cameron]
I got a few things for the party.

Is Lily ready to go?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
She's ready.

What's wrong?

[Sighs]
I'm just really worried
about C.J. Hightower.

With the bad ankle,
I don't know how he's
gonna run his corner routes.

What did my boyfriend
just say?

Listen, I heard what you said,
and I thought, yes,

I should try to learn
more about football.

That is very mature of you.

I figure, if football fans can learn it,
how hard can it be?

That's very elitist of you.

I'm taking baby steps
here, all right?

I'm actually- I'm really
looking forward to it.

'Cause it's not
just the game.

It's-It's the bands and the drama,
the pageantry.

Don't forget about
the team mascots.
They wear ascots?

No. Mascots.
With an "M."

That could have been
very embarrassing.

Okay.

Am I straight?

I'm not sure
what you are right now.
Hmm?

Hi, hi, hi, hi!
How ya doin'?

Hey, Gramps.
Hi, beautiful.

Hi, Phil.
Good to see ya.

Let me guess.
Game's on?
Just started.

Hey. For you.

It's nice to see you,
Gloria.
Ah! Two times today.

Okay, well-
[Claire]
Uh, Phil?

She means
we've seen them
two times today.

Okay, everybody,
the food's in there.
The drinks are in there.

- I'll be in here.
- Hold on, Jay.

I think we should address
the elephant in the room.

Uh, Luke, Manny.
Bring it in.

Come on. Huddle up.
Football.

Now in light of what
happened at school today,

do you have any feelings
you'd like to express?

I think this is
the proper forum-

For God's sakes.
All right, both of you.

Now, in this family,
do we kick and punch
each other,

or do we
love each other?

[Manny, Luke]
Love each other.
That's right.

I'II be in the den.

So, I brought dessert.

Okay. Thank you.

I make pie too.

You can never have
too many pies, right?

Okay, whoa. Whoa.

Everybody take a deep breath.
Let's think about getting real.

- Phil, no.
- Why "Phil, no"?

What is Phil doing?
[Phil]
I'm just gonna say it.

There's tension
between you two.

Bam. It's out there.
I'm gonna kill you.

I think he's right,
and I think we should
talk about it.

That's what
I'm talkin' 'bout-

you two talking...

'bout it.

[Male Announcer]
First and goal to go for the Illini.
[Alex] I like football.

Haley hates it, which is weird
because it's all boys...

and there's
no reading required.

Do you know that she
spends at least 45 minutes
every morning doing her hair?

And then sometimes-

♪ Let's go, Illini ♪

Let's go!
Right now!
[Muffled]

Looks like
I gotta watch the game
with Dick Butkus.

Dad! Dad, come on.
That's offensive.

Mitchell, he's one
of the greatest linebackers
to ever play at Illinois...

and one of my personal heroes.

And his name is "Butt-kiss"?

We're just choosing to-
Okay. All right.

Dad, I thought you were
being homophobic. I'm sorry.

We got all night.
Yes, we do.

- Are you joining us here?
- Yeah. Jay, you know what?
He's been studying up.

I gotta tell ya,
I'm a little worried
about C.J. Hightower.

Right? With the bad ankle?
I'm wondering how he's gonna
run his corner routes.

- Hightower's out.
- What?

Oh. Then who is gonna
run the corner routes?

I'll tell you who it won't be-
Billings.

[Chuckling]
That's low. He's in jail.

Oh, wow. Yeah.
Then no.

Double tight end,
it's gonna be a quarterback
roll-out to the left.

[Jay] They're gonna run it.
Trust me. He's got the slot.
In the end zone! Touchdown!

Lucky call.
Maybe they, uh, should've
considered blitzing.

Blitzing wouldn't have helped them.
Get outta here.

Oh, gosh. Blitzing.
[Laughs]

So, my interest in football
ended as suddenly
and dramatically...

as the climax
of West Side Story.

I'm a musical theater fan.

Surprise.

Okay. The truth?
I sometimes feel
like you don't like me.

Wow.

Powerful, powerful stuff.

Claire? Tell us
how that makes you feel.

Right now, I'm feeling
a lot of anger.
No, don't tell me. Tell her.

Gloria, right now,
I'm really angry
at Phil.

[Phil]
Let's respect the process.

[Sighs]

Gloria, I don't know
why you think
I don't like you.

Sometimes when you see me,
you make that face.
What face?

- Like this.
- I do not make a face like that.

Oh, my God.
That is so Claire.
Mitchell!

See? She does that
with everyone.
It's just her face.

No, it's not just the face.

From the beginning,
I feel like Manny and I
are not welcome in this family.

That is so crazy.
No, it's not so crazy.
It's how I feel.

[Muttering]

[Sighs]
I am sorry
if you feel that way.

I really am, because
from the moment I met you,

I have tried to make you
feel comfortable with us.

You think it's all in my head?

No. Kind-
I don't know.

I mean, we really love
having you and Manny
in our family.

Really?
Really.

So, you don't have
to be so defensive.

I do that, don't I?

[Chuckling]
Well, a bit.

I'm feeling a hug.
[Gloria, Claire Chuckling]

I was thinking group hug,
but this is nice.

I'd be there if I could.
Oh, my God. There's hugging.

Haley, get off
the phone already.

[Cameron] Where did you go?
You heard him.
He said, "Get outta here."

Oh, my God.
You're such a girl.

Dad- I was coming
to get a beer anyways.

Nice apology.
Nice beer.

- [Manny, Luke Laughing]
- Hey, there are the little roustabouts.

You look like you patched
things up pretty good, huh?
[Together] Yeah.

Oh, we can learn so much
from the children.

Bet it seems kind of silly now
what you were even
fighting about, huh?

- I made fun of his accent.
- What accent?

I made fun of him for having
the same thing for lunch every day.

- [Gloria] Eegh!
- I made fun of him because
his mom used to dig coal.

What?

He said you were
a coal digger.

Okay. I think
we can move on.
[Chuckling]

Who said I was a coal digger?

That's what
my mom told me.
What's a coal digger?

Sweetheart,
he heard it wrong.
It's "gold digger."

I'm gonna have
to call you back.

I really do not think that
I remember ever saying that.

Well, you said in the car.

You said it at Christmas.
You said it in the Mexican restaurant-

Okay, Mr. "Leaves His Sweatshirts
at School Every Day...

Suddenly Remembers
Everything," thank you.

And it was all
in my head, huh?

Oh, listen. Gloria, it was... like,
a year ago, before I knew you.

Nice going. Now my mom
and my sister are fighting.

If I say something that
everybody else is thinking,

does that make me
a mean person?

Or does it make me
a brave person?

One who is courageous enough
to stand up and-and say something...

behind someone's back to...
a 10-year-old.

[Water Running In Sink]
Well, she's pissed.

Yeah. She wouldn't even
come out of her room.
Oh.

Did you really have
to call her that-
a gold digger?

Well, you know what, Dad?
It was a year ago.

And it was a natural
question to ask.

She's a beautiful, hot woman,

and you're not exactly,
you know-

Not exactly what?

Um- Mitchell, little help?

No. You are doing great.

See, this is exactly why
we sweep things
under the rug-

so people don't get hurt.

Yeah, until you sweep
too much under the rug.
Then you got a lumpy rug.

Creates a tripping hazard.
You open yourself up to lawsuits.

Boy, you can go a really
long time without blinking.

Gloria? It's Phil.

Hi. Can I talk to you
for a second?

Claire likes to say
you can be part of the problem...

or part of the solution.

But I happen to believe
that you can be both.

Listen, Claire feels terrible.

Why don't you talk to her?

Why? I know what she thinks-
a coal digger.

- You know she's saying
"gold digger"?
- Yes, Phil!

Well, I-I know
she said that.

But that was
a long time ago,
before she knew you.

Does Jay buy me
nice things?

Yes! Of course!
All beautiful things.

Look at this-
yellow, red, blue.

All the colors.

Do you think I can't
live without this?
Take them away, Phil.

Gloria, we all know
you'd be fine
without underwear.

I mean, we know
it's not about that.

No. It's about me
not being accepted
by my new family.

That is not true.
Gloria, look, you're
a beautiful woman.

In fact, you're probably one
of those beautiful women
who doesn't even know it.

No, I know it.

So it's natural for Claire
to wonder about you
and her dad.

This family's very protective
of each other.

I remember the first time
Claire brought me home.

Do you think Jay thought
I was good enough
for his little girl?

No way.
But over time,

he realized that I loved Claire
as much as he did.

And by then, Mitch
had brought Cam home,
so I was golden.

Claire just needs
a little time.

And then, trust me, she'll
be the most loyal friend
you've ever had.

You're not leaving,
are you?

You know, there's kind of
a lot of drama.

So we're torn.
Let me ask you
something.

Your sister said that Gloria
would never go for anybody
who looked like me.

Now, you guys basically
are like women.

You know,
you look at guys.

So what do you think?

You're seriously asking us
if you're attractive?

Well, I know
I'm no Erik Estrada
or anything.

I'm just curious
is all.
Dad.

So if I was in
one of your bars and-
[Clears Throat]

Righteous Brothers
were on, you know.

Would you, uh,

I don't know,
check me out?

Dad, you're really close
to ruining gay for me.

All right, fine.
Whatever.
Jay. Jay, now listen.

I think it's- I just think
it's a little weird for a son
to say this to his father.

But for the record,
I think you're smokin' hot.
Really?

Yeah, 100%.
You're totally my type.

You're dangerous,
you're getable,

you have a little "cashola"
in your pocket.
[Chuckles]

Face, body, the whole-
The whole kit and caboodle,
I think. Really.

What about a seven?
Nine. For sure, nine.

But you knew that.
I might have lowballed
a little bit.

Okay, isn't there
a game on?

Touchy.
I know.

Gloria? Come on, let's-
let's talk about this.

I've seen her
kick in a door before.

I don't know
what my husband
is saying to you or...

why he's covered
in your underwear.

Obviously I'm trying to
seduce him for his money.

[Forced Chuckle] That's-
'Cause that's
what I do, right?

What do I have
to give back...

so that everyone
trusts me? Huh?

These earrings?
[Together]
No.

What? This bracelet?
[Together]
No.

My new dress?
No.

I didn't respond because...

this shouldn't be about me.

It should be about you...

talking to you...
about it.

Phil? Honey?

No, no, no. No.

You're welcome.

[Door Closes]

I don't know what to say
except for that I am
really, really sorry.

Just tell me one thing.
How do you really feel
that I'm with your father?

Uh, well-

Honestly, at first,
it was hard.

I mean, you don't expect
to wake up one morning...

with a new mom who looks like
she fell off a mud flap.

But... I'm getting
used to it.

And the important thing
is you make him happy,

which you do in-
in so many ways,

so many colors.

Are we okay?

- No.
- No?

You embarrassed me
in front of everyone
downstairs.

What, I'm supposed
just to forget about it?

What do you want me to do-
just embarrass myself
so we're even?

Go jump in the pool.
Oh, you mean
go jump in a lake. Right.

Go jump in the pool
with your clothes on.
Then I know you're sorry.

I'm not gonna do that,
Gloria.

Okay. Then I won't
forgive you.

[TV Playing]
Now a field goal beats us.

Hey, you guys
work that out?

Almost. Gloria just wants me
to jump in the pool.

Okay then.
What?

If they could get
a pass rush on 'em,
something, a break.

This is so awesome.

I know. Mom does not
look good wet.

Gloria, is this
really necessary?

Dad, it's fine. It's fine.
If I need to jump
in this water...

to prove to Gloria
how sorry I am,
I will do it.

I'm fine.

- You're serious?
You're not gonna stop me?
- Why would I do that?

Because I am standing here.
I am showing you
my willingness to-

No?
[Sighs]

[All Cheering]

- Are you happy?
- Yes! I forgive you!

- Then give me your hand.
- Oh, that's the oldest
trick in the book.

She's gonna pull you
in there.
[Claire] No!

- And that's my job.
- [Shrieks]

[Shouting]

This is funny, but this is
also a teaching moment.

Yeah!
Think about- No!

[All Laughing, Shouting]

- Whoa!
- [Shrieks]

Cannonball!

[Announcer]
The snap! Fumble!
How could he fumble that?

Center blew the snap.
I hate that.

I played center,
and I always got blamed for
a quarterback's clumsy hands.

Well, I was a quarterback,
and it was probably your fault.

It's impossible
to fumble the ball...

when the quarterback has
the proper hand placement.

It's weird to think of a woman
being sexually attracted to Dad.

No, you wanna hear weird?
Cam said he'd pick up Dad
at a gay bar.

Ooh. How did that come up?
Mmm, I'm really trying
to block it out.

As far as I'm concerned,
Mom and Dad had sex two times.

[Clicking Tongue]
Agreed.

Okay, get your hands up there
like you're lifting me
off the ground.

Be one with me, Jay.
There you go.

Do you wanna
get something to eat?
I am never eating again.

Just snap the damn thing.

[Cameron]
Perfect.
That one kinda hurt.

ENGLISH - US - PSDH