Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 24 - Family Portrait - full transcript

Claire goes through great lengths to organize a family portrait. Gloria and Phil have an awkward moment while taking Manny and Alex to a Lakers game. Cameron becomes a wedding singer, and Jay has to help Luke with a school project.


- Oh, hey, honey.
Have a great time at the game.
- Thanks.

[Crinkling]
Oh. Why are you crunching?

Ordinarily,
I'm a rule follower,

but when someone tells me
I can't bring my own snacks
into their stadium,

that's when I get a little nuts.
[Crinkling]

It's a free country, right?

Let's just say it ruffles me...
[Crinkling]

When some goobers
tell me...
[Crinkling]

I have to spend
half my payday...
[Crinkling]

On their hot dogs.
[Crinkling]

Please, just remember
the family portrait.

We only have the photographer
for an hour.
Okay.

Okay? And, sweetie, did you have
a chance to try on the white pants
I put in your closet?

Oh, what do they look like?

Is there really a more clear way
to describe white pants?

Sweetie, if they don't fit you,
you're going to be the only
one not wearing white,

and then you're gonna
stand out like "Where's Waldo?"

Actually, "Where's Waldo?"
Doesn't stand out.

He's super hard to find.
That's the challenge.

This portrait is
incredibly important to me.
Also, his name is just "Waldo."

I spent weeks trying to find a time
that works for everybody...

and finding the right photographer.

So if you could just promise me
that you'll cooperate, okay?

I promise.
Okay.

This is amazing that
you're doing this.
Mmm, thank you.

You're wonderful.
Thank you.

Get in here-
[Crinkling]

Oh, no can do.
Oh.

- I love you.
- Bye.

[Birds Chirping]

Where's my good underwear?

The question is, why isn't
all your underwear good, Jay?
You make a nice living.

The new maid keeps mixing up
my underwear with Manny's.

Put on the first thing I grabbed.
It was like a crotch tourniquet.

You gotta talk to her.
Why me?

Hola. You both
speak the same language.

She's Portuguese.
Do you know how offensive it is...

that you put all of us
in the same mixing pot?
[Doorbell Rings]

Sorry. Please apologize
to her when you tell her not
to put my underwear-

I can't talk to her!

Hey, guys.
Hey.

Hey. Where's Luke?
I'm going instead.

Luke suddenly remembered
a school project due tomorrow.

Oh, that's tough.
But it's a good lesson for the kid.

You know, you make a commitment,
you gotta follow through.

Yeah.
What is the project?

He has to interview somebody
who lived through the 1960s.

Oh, no.
[Cell Phone Rings]

[Beeps]
Hello.

Yeah, Luke. Oh, sure.
I remember what I said.

Yeah, come on over.
All right.
[Beeps]

Gloria, you're gonna have
to take Manny to the game.

Yay.
Manny, ¡vamos!

I'm still getting dressed.

Hey, Mom, I think
my diet's working.

My underwear won't stay up.

[Man]
♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

Oh, so delicious. Yes.

Hey, you're okay with me not
going with you today, right?

I have been hired to sing
at a wedding this weekend.

I was plucked from obscurity
after a particularly stirring
karaoke performance.

So I guess you could say
I'm a professional singer now.

Well, they're paying you
in flowers, so-

Well, I would've blown
the money on flowers anyway.
They're saving me a step.

Plus all the great divas
are rewarded in flowers.

They're also given paychecks.

And I'm really bad
at small talk, so-

I get it.
It's not a problem.

Are you sure?
'Cause you've been
quiet all morning.

It's because
I'm resting my instrument.

[Softly]
Okay.

I feel tension.

♪♪ [Speakers: Rock]
[Cheering]

[Man]
Kobe! Kobe, over here!

Kobe!
Kobe! Over here!

What can I do for you?

Do you like being
a basketball player?

Serious?

I choked. I didn't think
you'd look up here at me.

- Little preparation next time.
It's a mental game.
- Duly noted.

- All right.
- [Man On P.A.]
Your Los Angeles Lakers!

[Keys Clatter]

- What's wrong?
- That broken step.

It's gonna ruin
our whole family portrait.

Okay, here's my idea.
I'm really excited about it.

The whole extended family,
all dressed in white,

in a single-file line
down the staircase.

Oh, like a line on the highway.
No.

Or, uh, a ski jump.
No.

Why- Why would I want
a ski jump?
I don't know.

My idea was to have the whole family
in a giant bed, like in Willy Wonka.

Yeah, but that's ridiculous.

"Ridiculicious."
[Sighs]

I don't see anything.
So I'm crazy?

No. You're... not.

Your father was supposed
to fix that step.

Mom, you're obsessing over
the tiniest little thing-

So you do see it, yeah.

What is the big deal
about this one picture?

Honey, you know what, I don't
expect you to understand, but-
[Exhales]

All right, when you're a mom,
everything goes by so quickly.

In a minute,
Luke's gonna be shaving,

and Alex is gonna be off at college,
and you're gonna be-

You'll be doing something great.

I just wanna freeze this moment
as it is right now.

You know?
I do.

I know I don't show it,
but this family's still
the most important thing-

Screw it.
I'm gonna fix the bastard.

I mean, seriously,
how hard can it be?

If your father can do it,
I can do it. Right?

All right. I just need to...

lift-

Oh, now I see it.

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

[Crowd Cheering]

These seats are amazing.

Why you have candy
coming out of your pocket?
No, no, no, no, no.

Huh?
I brought my own snacks.

Not because I'm cheap.
It's a matter of principle.

Plus I get a little rush
from the danger.
Be cool. Be cool.

What?
Be cool.
Just look straight ahead.

I never felt more alive.
Whoo!

[TV: Announcer, Indistinct]

Okay, I just made it worse.
I'm not freaking out though.

I'm gonna call your dad,
and he's gonna tell me
how to fix this.

- Oh, my God! It's Dad.
- Where?

Right there, behind Kobe.
Oh, Kobe?
How weird is this!

Quick. Quick, tell me
something to say that will
freak him out.

Tell him I'm pregnant.
No, not gonna say that.

- [Line Ringing]
- [Claire] Okay, here we go.
How funny is this!

[Chuckles]

[Recording]
Hey, it's Phil.
You know what to do.

[Line Beeps]
Well, that was pretty funny.

[Beeps]

Oh, my God!

[Coos]
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh.

[Chattering]
[Cell Phone Rings]

It's much better.
Excuse me. Sorry.

I think that's
her cousin.
Hello?

There is a pigeon in our house.
What do I do? What do I do?
Who is this?

Never funny.
Not funny now.
Calm down.

You know I grew up around
many animals. One time,
a rooster attacked me,

and my mom wrung its neck,
and we had it for dinner.

Great time for an anecdote.
Help me.

It's more afraid of you
than you are of it.

Pigeons aren't scared of anything.
They stand on electrical wires.

You're gonna be fine, Mitchell.
Just as long as you don't-

You know what, they're starting.
I gotta go. Okay, bye.
[Beeps]

As long as I don't what?
Cam? As long as I don't-
Oh, God!

- [On P.A.]
♪ Kiss, kiss ♪
- Cool. The kiss cam.

Wouldn't it be embarrassing
if the camera was on us
and then the crowd started-

We're related.
Not by blood.

Touch me
and there will be blood.

[Crowd Cheering]

Not us.
What's wrong with you?

It's the kiss cam.
When it lands on you,
you're supposed to kiss.

[Cheering, Whistling]

This is my wife's dad's second wife.
So legally okay, but still weird.

That was awkward.
And we're back.

[Crowd Booing]

Oh.
¡Ay! Come on.
It's not a big deal.

[Crowd Cheering, Applauding]

Thank God for caller I.D.
So you don't have to talk to your wife.

[Claire Chuckles]
Oh, we're gonna talk, mister.

[Hammering]
We're gonna talk and talk.

[Beeps]

Dad, Mom saw you on TV.
You're dead.

Here's the thing.
The kiss cam is only
supposed to be...

for the enjoyment
of the people at the game.

They never show that on TV.

What people do in the privacy
of their own sports arena...

should be their own business.

So in '66, I worked
in my grandfather's
office supply business-

your ink, your staples,
your legal pads.

- Am I going too fast for you?
- I fell asleep for a second.

Did you do anything
interesting in the '60s?

Well, one summer,
I swept up hair at my other
grandfather's barbershop.

You're killing me.
What do you want?

I don't know.
Brian Beckwith's grandfather
marched on Washington.

Artie Beckwith?
He couldn't walk two feet
without complaining.

He marched on Washington?
He told Brian he did.

- With Martin Luther King Jr.
- Martin Luther King?

- Guess who cut his hair.
- What?

Do you know who cut
Martin Luther King Jr.'s hair?

Neither does Luke's teacher.

So the barbershop
was in Washington?
Okay.

Did you cut any
other famous hair?
Oh, yeah.

The Kennedys, Richard Nixon,
all the astronauts.

How do you think Buzz Aldrin
got his nickname?

Awesome.

[Mitchell]
♪ We love to play in Lily's room ♪

♪ We don't need any milk ♪

♪♪ [Humming]

Okay, you know what, Lily?
I am a man.

I am going into the kitchen
to get your milk.
[Crying]

[Crying Continues]
[Panting]

[Screaming, Whimpering]

[Continues]

Oh! Oh!

[Screaming, Whimpering]

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

[Lily Crying]
[Cooing]

♪♪ [Cello]

♪ Ave Maria ♪

♪ Gratia plena ♪

♪ Maria, gratia plena ♪

♪ Ave, ave dominus ♪

♪ Dominus tecum ♪

♪ Benedicta tu in mulieribus ♪

♪ Et benedictus fructus ventris ♪

♪ Ventris tui, Jesus ♪

♪ Ave Maria ♪♪

[Applause]

Then one day,
Wilt Chamberlain shows up.

He says, "Can you take a little
off the top for my friend here?"

And it's Elvis.
No way.

Greatest singer that ever lived,
after Sinatra. I'll fight
any man who says different.

My dad says the greatest singer
who ever lived is Peabo Bryson.

Then I guess I gotta fight your dad.
Yeah, I guess.

[Cheering]

[Beeps]

Luke says Grandpa
wants to fight you.

[Grunts]

[Glass Shatters]
[Clattering]

Why does everything
have to suck?

Let's just do
the picture another day.
I think I'm getting a pimple.

No. Do you know
how long it took me
to book this photographer?

Maybe by the fireplace.

Yeah. That's a classic
old-person spot for a portrait.

Yeah, if I'd ever bothered
to paint that hideous wall.

Claire is a perfectionist,
which sometimes is a good thing,

like when it comes
to picking a husband.
[Chuckles]

Sometimes it's a bad thing,
like when everyone else
sees something beautiful...

and all she sees
is the teeny-tiny flaw.

- No. No.
- [Beeping]

No.

Hi. My house is a disaster.

Can we do this picture
at your place?

Yeah, that's-
that's not gonna work.

So-

[Birds Chirping]

Maybe one more layer.
And tight, really tight.

Dad, can you call them again?
I just did.

They're on their way.
Game went into overtime.

I know,
but we're losing the light,

and the photographer's gotta get
to a bar mitzvah in 10 minutes.

Oh, red wine. Really? Now?

You know, honey,
I think you're getting
a little too uptight about this.

It's hard to breathe.
Oh, you're fine.

What'd you do to him?
He's turning blue.
But his clothes will stay white.

- We're home!
- Oh, thank God.

Manny, let's go change.
[Kisses]

[Phil]
Hey, there's my beautiful wife.

I know you're mad at me,
and I know this foam finger
can't make up for everything.

Honey, you just go change,
and we'll talk about
what you did later.

Hey, thank you so much
for those tickets.

Gloria tells me you
had a real good time.

Not really. No, I didn't.
God, I love your daughter.

Oh! I should- I should
come by and kiss that step-
fix that step.

Oh, you're acting like
I wanted to destroy the house.

No. I just think it's odd
that the majority of things
you destroyed...

were sent to us by my mom.

Okay, okay, okay.
So while I'm fighting off
that filthy creature,

I actually stop and say,
"Oh, you know what,

here's the opportunity
I've always been looking for to
destroy our kitschiest objects."

Kitschiest?
Oh, she's gonna love that.

If you would've come with me
to the wedding, none of this
would have happened.

Okay. So you are angry.
Mitchell, I get it.

You're terrified of
small talk and birds.

You're just lucky
that pigeon didn't want to
chat you up about the weather.

Hello, Jay.
Hello, guys.

Oh, God.
Oh, you look like the guy
from Dance Fever.

Thank you.
Deney Terrio.
Cleveland, Ohio.

Dad, really?
That is not a compliment.

That's why I wanted you
to try those on earlier.
Turn around.

The picture can't happen today.
My pimple's getting worse.

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.
Can you stand?

Yeah.
Well, then the picture's
happening.

It's all anybody's gonna see.
I wouldn't be
so sure about that.

Did you get a look
at her dress?

What? Why would I look
at her dress? I love you.

Uh, Mrs. Dunphy,
the sun is setting.

Okay. Yeah, this is happening.
Everybody, come on. Let's go.

Be careful. I stained
some furniture out there
this afternoon.

Of course you did, Dad.
Anything else I need
to know about?

Maybe the neighbors
on either side are having
a paintball fight.

Now watch this.
Dad, in his infinite wisdom,
stained furniture today.

Don't touch it. It's wet.

[Claire]
Hurry, hurry.
Put that down, sweetheart.

Okay. Okay, we got it.
Now we're gonna go out here.

Oh, my God!
Are you kidding me?

How do- How do you
turn the sprinklers off?

¡Ay! Of course!
Because I'm Latina,

I'm supposed to know everything
about gardening and sprinklers!

You were here
when they installed it.

Ay, yeah.
The box is across the yard.

You mean
your now-soaking-wet yard?
That's great. We are screwed.

No, we're not.
We haven't unwrapped
our secret weapon yet.

Luke walks over there,
Hurt Locker style...

flips the switch, and boom-
or not boom- water off.

Put the "he" in "hero," Son.

Oh.

Hurt Locker?
It's more like Squirt Locker.

Really? That wasn't funny?
I actually pity you guys.

[Clicking]

[Cheering]

No time to celebrate!
Stop it!

We don't have a lot of time.
[Photographer]
All right, everybody.

If I can have the little
ones down front-
You know what, sir?

If you don't mind, I've got this.
Come on, people, let's get out here.

Haley, Alex, I need you
to unwrap your brother.

All right, I need the Dunphys
over on this side.

Dad, you're in the middle.
Mitchell, Cam, Lily on this end. Okay.

Listen.
Uh-huh?

Honey, I screwed up,
but if ever you're
in my arms again-

Phil, not now.
Yes, now. I don't want
to look at this picture...

when I'm 80 years old
and you're long dead...

and know that you were angry
at me when we took it.

Phil, we'll talk about
what you did later.

Okay, everybody.
Eyes over here.

I didn't do anything.
She kissed me.
What?

Who kissed you?
Gloria.

What?
It was the kiss cam.

Why did you kiss Cam?
No, I kissed Phil.
He told me I had to.

No, no.
Okay, hang on a second.

Was this before or after
you ignored the phone call
from your wife?

You saw that too?
Mmm.

Could we please just take
the damn picture?

Okay. Everybody,
one more time.

Just so you know,
I am angry with you.
I knew it!

- Oh, damn it!
- It was a big day for me,

and he didn't want to go
because he doesn't like
small talk.

Would it be terribly inconvenient...

to just postpone this hissy fit
for a few minutes?

- Maybe some of us don't
want to take a picture today.
- Thank you.

And please, Claire, don't try
to make Mitchell do something
he doesn't wanna do.

Oh, shut up, Cam.
[Lmitating Wings Flapping]

Okay, stop it! Stop it!

Everyone, listen.
This took me forever
to put together,

so I don't really care
who kissed who and who's got
a pimple on her head...

and who is wearing an outrageously
inappropriate dress.

We are gonna get together
and act like a normal family...

for one-tenth of a freaking second,
and we're gonna do it right now.

Get your hands off of me.
No. No. Make me. Make me.

Ah, this is ridiculous.
You're both uptight about everything.

You didn't want to go to
a wedding with him because you
didn't want to make small talk?

That's how I met Gloria.
Do you remember the first thing
I said to you?

Yes. "I like chocolate,
I like fruit, but not together."

You couldn't come up
with that, lvy League? And you.

You would be a lot happier
if you weren't so obsessed
with everything being perfect.

Look at us here all in white.
What are we, a cricket team?

News flash.
Life is not perfect, Claire.

Now calm the hell down.

Okay, Dad, that's great,
and that's really easy
for you to say.

But do you think
I like being like this?
No, I don't.

If you have some quick-and-easy fix,
why don't you just give it to me
right now?

Oh.
[All Groaning]

Jay!
Oh, my God.

I- I got this, baby.

No. What did-
What did you do?
Now two people are dirty.

Well, three.
Okay, you know what?

That's for "kitschy."
Mud fight!

[Claire]
No. Don't do that.
No, no, no! Stop it!

Everybody get back in line.
Come on, guys, stop.

- [Chattering, Laughing]
- [Claire] Damn it. Damn it! Guys!

Excuse me.
Are we still doing this?

No. No, we're not.

[All Laughing]

- Now we are.
- [Gloria] We're ready!

[Laughing]
Whoo-hoo!

- Say "cheese."
- Say "cheese"!

[Jay] Back in '68,
when I was sweeping up hair
in that barbershop,

I had this mental picture
of the family that,
if I was lucky enough,

one day I would end up with-
perfect wife, perfect kids.

Guess what.
I didn't get any of that.

Wound up with this sorry bunch.

And I'm thankful for that
every day.

Well, most days.

I think I'm just gonna go
with the Elvis stuff.

Yeah. I would.

Uh, to the right.
To the right.

A skosh to the left.

There we go.
[Inhales]

Whatever. I'm gonna have to take
the picture down when I repaint
the wall anyhow.

Kill me now.
What?

♪ Don't know how
I got so lucky ♪

Mm-hmm.
I love you.

- I love that picture.
- Yeah.

- Is that a chip on
the frame right there?
- No. No.

I can see it.
Honey.

[Sighs]

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