Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 23 - Hawaii - full transcript

Jay's plan to relax in Hawaii are thwarted. Phil tries to make the vacation special for Claire, but this results in the kids being unsupervised. Mitchell and Cameron debate on what to see.

Aloha, Lily.
Aloha. Oh, wait.
Let's do it one more time.

The doggy was blocking
her face.
Yeah, go back.

No. No! No. We're not
doing it a third time.

There she is-
the prettiest white woman
on Maui. Milady.

Actually, Claire and I
were supposed to go to Hawaii
for our honeymoon.

But something else came up.

I got pregnant with Haley.
My bad!

We didn't even have
a proper wedding.

We just went down to
the courthouse on a Tuesday.

The judge sentenced me to life
with no chance of parole.

You begged me to marry you.
It's true. I did.

Oh! Hold on, my bride.
Allow me! [Grunts]

What are you doing?

Being romantic.
God, you're solid.

Sweetie, put me down.
Go on. Okay.

Honey, come on.
Let's turn this vacation
into a honeymoon.

Sweet pea, I'm a mom
traveling with my kids.

For me, this is not a vacation.
It's a business trip. Let's go.


This'll do.
It's beautiful.


Welcome to
the Four Seasons Maui.

What do you think, Manny?

I'm home.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪


I can't believe we have
our own hotel room.

Score! There's an iron
in here!

Don't you want to keep our room neat?
You know, in case we entertain.

Who would we entertain?

I noticed some lovely tweens
down by the kids' club.

Maybe we can find a nice spot
near them by the pool...

and send over a couple
of virgin mai tais.

They may be interested in
two sophisticated men like us.

I am a bathroom martian!

Beep, boop, boop.

I am from the nebula
of the Great Toilet.

Beep, boop.
Beep, boop, bop.

I want the biggest
cheeseburger you got.

Instead of salad,
I want fries.

Instead of fruit,
I want chili fries.

Haley, sweetie, put the phone down
and put on some sunscreen. Please?

We have got to stay
on these kids all day,
or else they're gonna burn.

They put on the littlest bit
of sunscreen in the morning,

they think it's
got them covered for the-

Are you watching Gloria
in my sunglasses?

Is she moving in slow motion,
or is my brain doing that?

Phil, this is important.
Go ahead. I'm glistening.

Hey, everybody. We're on our way
to see the world's largest banyan tree.

Does anybody want to come?

Now, why in the hell would
anyone want to leave paradise,

take a hot bus ride
to see a tree?

The great thing about Cameron
is that, uh, he's adventurous, like I am.

We-We both like to immerse
ourselves in the culture and
really get to know the locals.

We've made friends
all over the world.

We're still in touch with Elunga,

a man we met on safari
in Tanzania.

We actually send him...

all of our old clothes.

He was a very nice man
when we met him,

but based on his recent letters,
I have a small fear
he's become a warlord.

Hey. I'm gonna go to the gym
to work out a little bit.
You want to come with me?

I just ordered an extra-long straw
to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up.

- [Cell Phone Rings]
- Ah, look at this.

My brother.

What's up, jackass?
Happy birthday,
you dumb son of a bitch.

Birthday's tomorrow, moron!

I never understood
this relationship.

- So, 63, right?
- Hey, you can count!

You know Dad was 63
when he died.

Thanks for reminding me.

Ah, don't worry.
He never took care of himself.

Ate like crap and drank too much.
Anyway, Irene's begging me for-

Hey, Gloria, wait up.
I'm coming.

Hey. Hi.

So, I was thinking
we book a couples' massage.

I accidentally
looked in on one.

They seemed really relaxed
until they noticed me.

Haley, that's enough.
Get off the phone.
Luke, pull up your trunks!

This bathing suit
looks great on you.

Thanks, sweetie.
Haley, come on. Off the phone.

No way. Keira got
her hair straightened?

Claire, consider this
a grand gesture of my love.

What are you-

Oh, my God!

What did you do?
Phil, what are you thinking?

That is an expensive
cell phone.

It's just the beginning.
Buckle your seat belt, lady.
You're being wooed.

In nature, fathers are known
to eat their young.

Is it because they're delicious? No.

It's because they want
to give their female-

bear, giraffe, what have you-
the honeymoon they never had.

Just to be clear,
I'm not condoning eating your kids,

but I sure as heck
know why giraffes do it.


[Door Opens]

- Come on, sleepy!
- Ay, Jay!

Come on, honey! Get out of bed!
I just booked us on an outrigger.

But it is your birthday.
You don't want to sleep in?
Come here.

No, no, I just came from the gym.
Guess how much I benched.

- I don't know. 500 pounds?
- 500 pounds?

- What am I, a forklift?
- [Groans]

To tell you the truth,
that call from my brother
scared the hell out of me.

I decided to get
in better shape quick.

Didn't want to end up
like my old man.

Although he did die
doing what he loved-

refusing service to hippies
who came into his store.

Manny is the
worst roommate ever.

Everything he finds,
he folds.

Sweetie, it's only
for a few more days.

Last night
we had a fire drill.

Not the hotel.
Just us.

Hi, guys.


So, what's today's
big adventure?

I'll bet the kids
want to go with you.

Well, it is a big one-
the lavender ranch,

where they grow 45 different
varieties of lavender.

Hear that, kids?
Forty-five different varieties.

Yeah, I can't sell that.
Go with God.

Oh. Well, more
lavender for us.

When Mitchell and I first met,

I may have exaggerated
my interest
in adventurous travel...

by implying that I had any.

But it's one of the things
he loves most about me, and I
can't tell him the truth now.

It would be like Lewis
telling Clark that
he didn't like to walk.

Side note: We're very good
friends with a couple
named Lewis and Clark.

Clark bought a big,
sparkly belt in New Orleans that
he calls his Louisiana Purchase.

Mom, Haley keeps
stealing my iPod.

All my music is on my phone.
What else am I supposed to do?

Manny watches the news.
You guys don't even watch the news.

Aloha. Hi. Sorry, folks.
This pool is for adults only.

[Haley Groans]
Don't turn around.

Trust me.
Just keep walking.

Wait! Where are
you guys going?


What just happened?

Ooh, so we can drink lavender tea
while eating lavender scones.

Oh, neat!
So, is this an all-day thing or-

Oh, no. I know what
you're thinking, Cam.

Don't worry. We'll still have time
for the whaling village.

Oh. Good.


- I can't.
- What?

I don't want to go.
I know I said I'm not
a stay-by-the-pool type of guy,

but I really am, Mitchell.
What are you saying?

I'm saying that I like adventure,
but not every minute of every day.

Can you just go by yourself?
But... the lavender ranch-

It's- It's something two men
are meant to do together.

- On or off, folks?
- Well, I'm on.

I'm off.

[Door Closes]

Think about what you're
missing, Cam.

It's an entire ranch
full of lavender.

You're not making
the compelling case
you think you are!

Hey, you little monkey!

No standing around!
There you go!

Here goes another one!
There you go!

Here comes another one!
There you go!

[Alex Screaming]

I thought you were
one of ours!

Hey, Jay! Be careful!

You're gonna hurt somebody-
like you!

- Don't get too comfortable.
I reserved us a tennis court.
- Yay.

I thought that one of
the advantages of marrying
an older guy...

was that I was going to be
able to relax.

But all this swimming
and running and rowing-

It's just like
how some of my relatives
got into this country.

You know-
[Claire] Mmm.

You look prettier now
than the day we got married.
Oh, honey.

And you are even more handsome.

I did push-ups
in the bathroom.
[Laughs] You're funny.

You're nice.
I have always been nice.

I've always been funny.


Mom! Dad!

Ignore her.
That could be anyone.

Phil and Claire Dunphy?

Yes, Haley, honey?
What is it?

I'm gonna go get some
shaved ice at the hotel
next door with some kids.

- What kids?
- Just some kids I met at the pool.

Okay. Um- I should go
with her and-
Claire, no.

You have to learn to let go.

Turning a family vacation
into a honeymoon
takes commitment.

You can do it.
Eye of the tiger.


I should at least meet them. I-

That is not eye of the tiger.

[Mouths Words, Inhales]

All right, Haley, honey,
go and have fun,

but don't get
in anybody's car...

and be back in time
for your grandfather's
birthday dinner, okay?

Thank you!

Bye, honey!
All right!

Oh, God.

That feels weird
and good all at once.

I know. I was leaning up
against that nozzle
a minute ago.

- Hey.
- Hey, you're back. How was it?

Ah! Cameron, it was the most
incredible thing I've ever
seen in my entire life.

You know who else
was there?
Really? Who?

- Elton John.
- No-

Yes, and he was so blown away
by the beauty of it, he sat down...

at their lavender piano
and played "Tiny Dancer."

- And we bonded, because
he too likes adventure.
- Did that really happen?

No, that didn't really
happen. I'm just...

trying to get back at you
for bailing on me.

I'm sorry. If it means anything,
we've been relaxing here
doing nothing.

Maybe you can join us
No, I can't- I just don't-

I don't find relaxing
that relaxing.

I understand.
You are who you are.


You know what?
I think it's because
of my parents.

It always is.

I mean, vacation with my mom
and dad was them sitting around
like statues...

when, you know, the only
thing that me and Claire
could do for excitement was-

Oh. Was sit around and listen
to my skin sizzle.

You poor thing.

So, that's, like-
That's why, when I'm on vacation,

I want to go out and meet
the locals.

I want to immerse myself
in the culture, you know?

I don't want to sloth
around- Ah!

Sweet Lady Gaga,
that is good.


Oh, thank you.

What's this called?



[Beeping, Musical Tones]

I'm curious. Is there
any sand left on the beach,

or did you bring it all up
to our bathroom?

Sorry, Mom.

And now you're sitting
on my linen jacket.

I guess I can't have
nice things.

Oh. I'm sorry.
I didn't know it was there.
It's okay.

No! Stop!

I'm wearing that tonight!
I'm wrinkling your linen!
I'm wrinkling your linen!

You know what? Out!

I want you out!
This isn't working!

I don't care where you go,
as long as you don't stay here!
What are you saying?

What don't you understand
about "out"?

Fine. I'll just move in
with my sisters.

Ooh, hoo!

Oh, no! Who will pee
all over the bathroom floor?

I was brushing my teeth
at the same time.

You try to do that.
[Door Opens, Closes]

What'd you do today?

I napped.
You did?

I haven't napped in years.
Yeah. It feels good,
doesn't it?

Mm-hmm. Good and weird.
Kinda like that one nozzle
in the infinity pool.

I wouldn't know.
Phil was hogging it.
[Both Laugh]

Is it me, or is Lily
more relaxed here?
Oh, yes.

She is. I think it's because
she's really picking up
on our energy, you know?

It's like, if we're tense,
she's gonna be tense.

And I think we need to bring
this new energy home.

It's gonna make us
better parents-

You blocked the-
What? What happened?

You didn't bring her out!
I thought you had her!


Come on. Let me paint you.

Oh, sweetie.
That is so creepy.

Where is everyone?

Okay. Let me just say
what everyone's thinking.

My jacket's a mess.
It wouldn't be,

but someone used the iron
to make grilled cheese.

I had bread, I had cheese
and I had an iron.
What was I supposed to do?

Kids, kids.
We don't care.

¡Hola, hola!

So sorry I'm late.
Where is Jay?

- He's not with you?
- No, he came down long time ago.

Oh, don't worry.
I'll go have a look around.

Yeah, he's probably
in the ocean trying to pull
a tugboat with his teeth.

Well, look who decided
to join us.

- And where is your sister?
- She is in our bathroom throwing up.

- Well, what happened?
- You're not going to like this
as much as I do,

but she's drunk.

[Luke Laughing]

I-I knew I never should
have let her-

That's awesome.

Guarantee our bathroom
is still messier.

Oh, my God! Lily!
Where is the elevator?

Where- I don't know!
I'm taking the stairs!

Lily, we're coming for you!

Hey, you.
Where you headed?

Well, remember earlier in the pool
when you convinced me...

to let Haley go next door
with complete strangers?

And you were totally on board.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, well,

she got drunk, and now
she's upstairs throwing up.

But she's just a kid.
Who would serve her?
We did, honey.

On a silver platter.
You convinced me to relax and
let go, and now this happens.

I'm sorry, but we
shouldn't feel bad...
[Elevator Bell Dings]

About wanting a little
time for ourselves.

Sweetie, this isn't a honeymoon.
We have kids.
You have got to let this go.

From now on, I am not losing
sight of them for two seconds.

Nothing gets past me.

Did you find Jay?
I'm getting worried.

I'm sorry. I have to deal
with Haley.

No. You know what, sweetie?
I will deal with Haley.
[Elevator Bell Dings]

You go see if you
can find Dad.
I'll look for him out there.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Lily, where you going, huh?

Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God. Wow.
What were you thinking?

One of the kids had an I.D.,
and she bought some drinks.

I tried one, and then another one.
It was stupid.

Yes. Yes, it was stupid,

but you are really lucky
that this did not end
as badly as it could have.

This is why we always
say to you...

when you drink,
you make bad decisions.

I know, I know.
I just-

One minute you're having
wine coolers at homecoming,

and the next...
the game of Truth or Claire
sweeps your high school.

Thanks for not yelling at me.

Oh, honey.
That would just be cruel.

I'II wait till you feel better to yell.

I don't think
I'll ever feel better.

Does this happen
every time you drink?


Yes, it does.


Over here.

Hey. Hey!
What are you doing?

I'm stuck. I laid down,
my back went out.

Oh. Well, don't you worry.
We're gonna get you out of here.

Grab on.
Yeah, you know, Phil,
this might not be the best-

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just gonna rock you-
like a hurricane.

I'm kidding.
You're too old to get that.
Here we go.

Wait. Why don't you just
get someone who works here?
No, this is gonna work.

And now-
Oh, wow!

There's spasming.
Don't move. Don't move.
No. I don't wanna get-



By the way, I just want to
thank you for this trip.

It's really been a vacation
of a lifetime.

- [Woman] Oh.
- Nothing weird!


I keep my wallet
in my front pocket, so that's-

that's what that is.

[Jay Groans]

Neck... going.
I'm sorry.

Anyone! Anyone, help!
Alert security!

Seal off the island!

This- This way!
This way!


[Shrieks, Sighs]

You looking for someone?

We were so worried.
We just got distracted.

Oh, we're idiots.
Don't beat yourself up.

I used to lose Manny
all the time.

Now I lost your father.
These things happen.

She's right, you know.

Did she say
my father's missing?


We say we'll make time,
but life gets in the way.

I mean, I know we're parents,
but can't we be lovers too?

This may be my worst
birthday ever.

There you are!

Oh, hi, honey.
Hey, hey.

He was stuck in a hammock.
It was actually really funny.

I was on top of him
for, like, 20 minutes.
You need to go now.

Good night.

My back seized up.

Yeah, because you overdid it
after that phone call
about your father.

I can't believe I'm as old
as he was.

Wait. Sit down here.

You'd have liked him-
my old man.
I'm sure.

And he'd have loved you.

My God, that guy-
He was a charmer.

Mmm, I know the type.

And we had a lot of fun.

But I'll tell you something.

Our family vacations
were nothing like this here.

One week a year in a rented cottage
on Lake Erie, spiders this big.


I just wish he could have seen
how things turned out.

Well, if you keep going
like this, maybe you can
tell him yourself.

Or I can tell him,
because you're about
to kill me, Jay.

My legs, my arms, my back-
everything is sore.

So I wore you out, huh?
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't get cocky, old man.

When I sit down,
I can still get up. Eh.

Hey, uh-
Okay, come on.

Come here. Come here.

The rest of the trip went better.
Haley's room stopped spinning.

Yes, it is.
And a monkey-

[Silverware Clinking]
There she is!

Oh, honey!

Do you want some eggs Benedict?
So creamy!

No? Ah.
[Phil, Alex Laughing]

Jay got back to the vacation
he always wanted.

And Mitch and Cam managed
to do some sightseeing...

at a working banana plantation-

[Cameron] Lily!
Where they promptly
lost Lily again.

Why did you dress her
in jungle prints?

Because I thought
it would be cute!

She's gonna think
she's back in Vietnam!
Lily! Lily, honey!

Me and Claire, we-

we had a great time.

But we never did get
that honeymoon.

I think I just expected
a little too much
from this vacation.

You were so sweet to try.
It was dumb.

Like you said,
the thrill is gone.

I never said that.
No, it's over.

But wait. Put a few seconds
back on the clock.

♪♪ [Ukulele]
The kid still has
a few moves.

Oh, my God.

I figured out why we
couldn't have a honeymoon.

Because we never had
a wedding.

Oh, my God.

I still can't tell
if you think this is
lame or cool.

Honey, it's incredibly cool.

Looks like I finally get
to walk you down the aisle.

[Gloria Laughs]
Ow! You better walk me.

Okay. I'll do that.

We're here today
to celebrate the renewing
of the marriage vows...

of Phil and Claire.

On this day they've chosen
to reaffirm their love
for each other.

You may kiss your bride.

I present to you,
still as husband and wife,

Mr. And Mrs. Dunphy.

♪ It's the eye of the tiger ♪

♪ It's the thrill of the fight ♪

♪ Rising up to the challenge
of our rivals ♪

♪ And the last known survivor ♪

♪ Stalks his prey in the night ♪

♪ And he's watching us
all in the eye ♪

♪ Of the tiger ♪♪

[Man Over P.A.]
Welcome to the nonstop flight
from Maui to Los Angeles.

Thank for you choosing
Continental Airlines.

Thank you.

You know, honey,

if anything were ever
to happen to me, I would
want you to get remarried.


That was a little fast.
Oh, no. I just
want to make you happy.


Any idea of who
you would remarry?

Vicky Conroy probably.
She works in my office.

She's very organized.
The kids love her.

Are you guys talking
about Vicky?

Mom, she's awesome.

Just so you know,
if something were
to happen to me, I-

Something's gonna
happen to you, all right.