Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

[Claire]
Kids, breakfast!

Kids? [Sighs]
Phil, would you get them?
[Video Game Sounds]

Yeah. Just a sec.

Kids!

That is-
Okay.

Kids? Get down here!

Why are you guys yelling at us
when we're way upstairs?

Just text me.
All right.
That's not gonna happen.

And, wow! You're not
wearing that outfit.

What's wrong with it?
Honey, do you have anything
to say to your daughter...

about her skirt?
Sorry.



- Oh, yeah. That looks
really cute, sweetheart.
- Thanks.

No. It's way too short.
People know you're a girl.
You don't need to prove it to them.

Luke got his head stuck
in the banister again.

I got it.
Where's the baby oil?

It's on our bedside tab-
I don't know. Find it.

Come on!

I was out of control
growing up.

There, you know? I said it.

I-I just don't want my kids...

to make the same bad mistakes
I made.

I-If Haley never wakes up on
a beach in Florida, half-naked,

I've done my job.

Our job.
Right.

I've done our job.



¡Vamos, Manny!
Kick it! Kick it!

Don't let him-
Kick it!

Manny, go!
¡A la derecha! ¡A la derecha!

No! No, no.

- He tripped him, Jay.
Where's the penalty?
- [Whistle Blows]

Gloria, they're 0 and 6.
Let's take it down a notch.

[Chuckles]
We're very different.

Jay's from the city.

He has a big business.

I come from a small village.

Very poor but very,
very beautiful.

It's the number one village
in all Colombia for all the-

What's the word?

Murders.
Yes. The murders.

Manny, stop him!

Stop him!
You can do it!

[Boy]
Damn it, Manny!

Come on, Coach.
You gotta take that kid out.

You wanna take him out?
How about I take you out?

- Honey, honey.
- Why don't you
worry about your son?

He spent the first half
with his hand in his pants!

[Mouths Word]

I've wanted to tell her off
for the last six weeks.

I'm Josh.
Ryan's dad.

Hi, I'm Gloria Pritchett.
Manny's mother.

- Oh, and this must be your dad.
- Her dad?

Yeah.
No, no. That's funny.

Actually, no,
I'm her husband.

Don't be fooled by the, uh-

Give me a second here.

Who is a good girl?
Who's that?

Who's that?

- Oh, she's adorable.
- Oh, thank you.

Hi, precious.
Hello.

[Blows Raspberry]
Hi. Hi.

Uh, we just, uh-
We just adopted her
from Vietnam.

And we're bringing her home
for the first time, huh?

She's an angel.
You and your wife
must be thrilled.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Daddy needed snacks.

Hi.

[Grunts]
So, what are we talking about?

Uh, we have been together for-

guh, five-
five years now?

And, uh, we just-
we decided we really
wanted to have a baby.

So, we had initially asked
one of our lesbian friends
to be a surrogate, but-

Then we figured,
they're already mean enough.

Can you imagine
one of 'em pregnant?
Pregnant, no.

No, thank you. Ick.

You saw that, right?
Everybody fawning over Lily,

and then you walk on
and suddenly it's all,

"Ooh, SkyMall.

I gotta buy
a motorized tie rack."

All right, you know,
I'm gonna give the speech.
You are not giving the speech.

You're gonna be
stuck with these people
for the next five hours.

You're right, you're right.
Okay. I'm sorry.

- Look at that baby
with those cream puffs.
- Okay. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

This baby would have grown up
in a crowded orphanage if it
wasn't for us "cream puffs."

And you know what?
Note to all of you who judge-
Mitchell!

- Hear this. Love knows
no race, creed-
- Mitchell.

Or gender.

And shame on you,
you small-minded, ignorant few-
Mitchell.

Mitchell!
What?

[Whispers]
She's got
the cream puffs.

Oh.

We would like to pay
for everyone's headsets.

[Man]
♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

Buddy. Why do you keep
getting stuck like this?

I thought I could
get out this time.

I'm just gonna say it.
He needs to be checked
by a specialist.

Ow!
There. Be free.

Excalibur.
[Chuckles]

I'm having a friend over today.
Who?

Uh, you don't know him.
Him? Him?

Ooh, a boy.
You gonna kiss him?

- Shut up.
- [Phil] Easy. Easy.

Yeah, shut up!
No, you shut up!

- Luke, Alex, why don't you
take it outside, okay?
- And do what?

Fight in the sun.
It'll be a nice change.
Haley.

[Phil]
I'm kidding.
Who's the boy?

His name is Dylan.

I might as well tell him
not to come...

because you guys
are just going to
embarrass me again.

Sweetie, hang on a second.

You're 15, and it's the first time
you've had a boy over.

I'm bound to be a little surprised,
but I'm not gonna embarrass you.

- I better charge the camcorder.
- [Cries Out]

I'm kidding. Come on.
Who are you talking to?

I'm the cool dad.
That's- That's my thing.

I'm hip.
I- I surf the Web.

I text.
"LOL"- Laugh out loud.
"OMG"- Oh, my God.

"WTF"- Why the face?

Um, you know,
I know all the dances to
High School Musical, so-

[With Recording]
♪ We're all in this together ♪

♪ Yes, we are ♪

♪ We're all stars
Something, something
you know it ♪♪

[Alex]
Mom! Dad!
[Claire] What happened?

Luke just shot me!
I didn't mean to.

Are you okay?
No.

- The little bitch shot me.
- [Chuckles]

- Language!
- They're only plastic BBs.
It was an accident.

What did I tell you would happen
if you got him a gun?

Deal with this.
Buddy, uncool.

That's it? That's-
No, no, no, no.

The agreement was
that if he shoots someone,
you shoot him.

We were serious about that?
Yes, we were.

And now you have to
follow through.

- [Crying]
I'm so sorry.
- Liar.

Go.
He's got a birthday party.

- What's more important here, Dad?
- You can shoot him afterwards.

He'll be home at 2:00.
I can't shoot him at 2:00.
I'm showing a house at 2:00.

- What about 3:00?
- No, he's got
a soccer game at 3:00.

And then-
Oh, we gotta leave for
that dinner thing at 5:00.

4:15. You could
shoot him at 4:15.

Yeah, I guess that works for me.
Oh!

"Shoot Luke."
Sorry, dude.
It's on the calendar.

Oh, come on!

I'm quitting soccer.
It is a game for children.

No, you're not quitting.

You would have stopped that goal
if you weren't staring at that little girl.

She is not a girl.
She's a woman.

You know, Gloria,
that little blowup
with that other mom-

Why do you have to
do things like that?

If somebody says something about
my family, I'm going to-
I'm just saying.

You could take it
down here a little bit.
That's all.

Oh, yeah.
'Cause that's where
you live, down here.

But I live up here!
Yeah, but you don't have to be
so emotional all the time.

That's all I'm saying.
Manny, you're with me
on this, right?

I wanna tell Brenda Feldman
I love her.
Oh, for God sakes.

Manny, she's 16.
Oh. It's okay for you
to take an older lover?

Hey, watch it.
I wanna go to the mall
where she works.

But first I need to get
my white shirt, the silk one.

Okay. If that's what
you really want to do.
Seriously.

Not to be the evil stepdad,
but if you put on
a puffy white shirt...

and declare your love
for a 16-year-old,

you're gonna be swinging
from the flagpole in your
puffy white underpants.

Stop the car.
Oh, where are you going?

[Car Horn Honking]

See? You hurt his feelings.
Ah- Well, if it toughens him
up a little bit then-

Oh, geez.
He's picking flowers.

Manny's very passionate,
just like his father.

My first husband-
he's very handsome,
but too crazy.

It seemed like all we did was
fight and make love, fight and
make love, fight and make love.

One time, I'm not kidding you,
we fell out the window together.

[Laughing]
Which- Which one
were you doing?

[Chuckles]

I'm hearing this
for the first time.

This doesn't worry you?

She barely slept on the plane
and she's still wide awake.

- Oh, stop worrying.
- I can't.

That- That orphanage
was all women.

Maybe she just- she can't
fall asleep unless she feels
a woman's shape.

I guess that's possible.
So here.

What the hell
is that supposed to mean?

Yes, I've gained
a few extra pounds while
we were expecting the baby,

which has been
very difficult.

But apparently your body does
a nesting, very maternal,
primal thing...

where it retains nutrients-
some sort of
molecular physiology thing.

But that's science.

You can't-
You can't fight it, so-

- I'm not saying anything.
- You're saying everything.

Count to three.
One, two-

Three.
Okay.

Oh, Cam. This is beautiful.
Oh, my God.
Do you love it?

Yes, I-

What the hell is that?

I had Andre do it
while we were gone.
Is that us, with wings?

We're floating above her,
always there to protect her.

Okay. Well, that's
reassuring, right, Lily?

Yes, we tore you away from
everything you know, but don't
worry, things are normal here.

Your fathers
are floating fairies.
No, can you call Andre,

have him paint something
a little less gay?

By the way, we need
to stop having friends
with names like Andre.

Redheaded dad
is angry daddy.
No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.
Even Pepper pointed it out on
the way home from the airport.

Okay, that's another one-
Pepper.

Okay, what's up?

All right, look. I-

I- I never told my family
we were adopting a baby.

And-
I know.

You do?
Yeah, and I don't blame you.
I know your family.

You'd tell 'em. They'd say
something judgmental.

Exactly.
You'd get mad.

I know. And then something that's
supposed to be nothing but joyful...

suddenly turns into this huge fight.

And who wants a big,
emotional scene like that?
Thank you. Thank you.

I'm so-
I'm so relieved you understand.

I invited them over
for dinner tonight.

What?
I had to.

This would have gone on forever.
You're an avoider.

No. No. No.
Cam, I'm calling them
right now and canceling.

No, you're not.
You're telling your family
you adopted a baby, tonight.

And you do have
avoidance issues.
Even Longinus said so.

Are- Are you really
not hearing these names?

[Doorbell Rings]
[Haley] Don't answer it!
I'll get it!

Hi.
Hey, you must be Dylan.

Hey.
Dylan. Yeah.
I'm Haley's mother.

Hey.
Mm-hmm.

Come on. Let's go.
[Clears Throat]
Okay. Um-

Hang on one second.
Um- Whoa.

Dylan, you're still
in high school?

Yeah, I'm a senior.
A senior.
Okay. Cool.

Hey, Phil. Sweetie. Honey.
He is Dylan, and he is a senior.

[Whispers]
You have to scare him.

Let me meet this "playa."

Phil Dunphy, yo.

It's like that. You just-
You just stare down at 'em,

let the eyes do the work.

Your mouth might be saying,
"Hey, we cool,"

but your eyes are like,
"No, we not."

"Nice to meet you."
"No, it's not."

"It's all good."

[Mutters]

Yo.
Yo.

Okay, I see you two guys-
Wait, wait, wait.

You two-

You two keep it real,
know what I mean, son?

Not really.

Please, stop.
That's cool.

Ow.
Oh, God! That's my back.
Oh, honey. Sweetheart.

Ow! Oh!
I slipped in the baby oil.

"Oh, where you from
originally?"

"I could defeat you if it came to
a physical confrontation."

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
I don't know about this.
Should I call a doctor?

No, no, no, no, no.
Okay.

You're very strong, homes.
Thanks.

Okay. Nice-
Nice soft landing.
There you go.

Okay.
I am on my side though.
Okay, let's go. Come on.

So just flip me right back,
and we're good.
[Sighs]

We'll be good.

I just need to get
flipped right on my back,
and we should be fine. So-

Brenda Feldman.

What is that?
A poem I have written
for Brenda Feldman.

- Of course it is.
- I put my thoughts into words
and now my words into action.

Hey, I'll give you 50 bucks
not to do this.

I'm 11 years old.
What am I gonna do
with money?

What are you gonna do
with a 16-year-old?

He's like a bullfighter.
Mmm.
You ever see a bullfight?

- I can't watch this.
- You're in such a bad mood.

And I know why.
It's because that man
thought you were my father.

No.
Yes.

No.
When you say "No" like that,
it's always "Yes."

Come on. We're in the mall.
Let's get you, like,
some younger clothes.

There's a store there.
I don't need
any younger clothes.

And I don't care what
some jackass in a pair
of ripped jeans thinks about me.

Good. You shouldn't.

You should only care
what I think.

I love you,
and I don't care
how old you are.

So stop being a gloomy goose
and stop being so hard on Manny.

The only reason
I'm hard on Manny...

is just because
I don't wanna see him
make a fool of himself.

And I can smell that
hair goo of his from here.

Look, I don't know what's gonna
happen to him over there.

But you're his family now,
and that means only one thing-

You be the wind in his back,
not the spit in his face.

What?
It's something
my mom always says.

It's gorgeous in Spanish.
Look, he's there.

She has a boyfriend.
Oh, I'm sorry,
mi niño.

I gave her my heart,

she gave me a picture of me
as an old-time sheriff.

Oh.

That was pretty stupid of me,
wasn't it?
No, mi amor.

It was brave.
Right, Jay? Brave.

W-Well, you'll know better
next time.

Come on.
Let's get a pretzel.

Mentira.
A mí sí me gusta.

Uh, excuse me, sir.
We ask that all mall-walkers
stay to the right.

[Haley]
Alex, get out! Mom!

Alex, leave your sister alone.

I was just getting my book.
Gosh.

I know, sweetie.
But you need to respect
their privacy.

What are they
doing up there?
Nothing.

Lying on her bed,
watching a movie.

Okay. Okay.

Um, I'm making a cake
for tonight. You wanna
help me with the frosting?

Sure.

So, you know,
if Haley got pregnant,

would you ever pretend
she has mono for a few months,

and then, like, tell everyone
the baby's yours?

What?
This senior at school was
"out sick" for four months,

but Jenna Resnick swears
she saw her breast-feeding
at a coin-op car wash.

[Sighs]

Buddy, what are you wearing?

- Nothing.
- Uh-uh. No jacket.

One hat.
How many pairs of underwear
do you have on?

One.
[Sighs]
Six.

First of all,
it would be really cool
to see Haley that fat.

And how awesome would it be
to have a fake little brother
who's really my nephew.

Haley is not getting pregnant.
[Clears Throat]

Just saying "if."
I know.

And I know you like to make
trouble for your sister, but
it's not gonna work this time.

You know why?
'Cause your sister's a good girl.

I know. I was just
like her when I was-

I want you to know,
I'm not enjoying this.

But this is an important lesson
that you're learning.

So, soak it.
Keep it.

[Clearing Throat]

You're too close.
It's gonna hurt.

It's supposed to hurt.

- And why are you smiling?
- I'm- What?

Oh, forget it.
I can't do this.

The point is you're scared.
I think you've learned
your lesson.

[Shoots]
Wow.

Ow!

Mom!
What are you doing?

Oh, hey! I was just, um,
dropping off some laundry.

- Is this a bad time?
- Yeah.

Oh. Okay.

Uh, can you
shut the door, please?

Actually, we're just gonna
go ahead and leave that open.

Why?

Because I have, uh,
seen this little show before-

lying on the bed
with a tall senior.

One minute you're just friends,
watching Falcon Crest,

and the next you're lying
underneath the air hockey table
with your bra in your pocket.

Whoa.
Mom!

- [Whimpering]
You hit my bone!
- It was an accident!

- I thought you were my friend!
- I am your friend.

Dad! Dad, Dad.
You have got to talk to Mom.

She is, like,
completely freaking out
and embarrassing me!

Honey, your mom isn't always
as cool about things as-

- [Shoots]
- Ow!

What is with this thing?

[Shoots]
Ow!

My dad. Uh, my dad still isn't
completely comfortable with this.

Um- He-He still does this thing.
It's been five years now.

And he still does this thing
where he announces himself...

before walking into
any room we're in...

just to make sure he doesn't
have to ever see us kiss.

Wish my mother
had that system.

Remember?
Not now.

I still can't believe
you did this to me.

Would you get
in the spirit of things?
It's a celebration.

[Doorbell Rings]

- Oh, God.
- Okay, I'm gonna go get Lily ready.

Okay.
And I want you to just
come straight out with it.

All right.
Okay. You can do this.

Yeah.
Sports guy chest bump.

No.
Sports guy chest bump.

Cam. Oh!
All right. Go.
Do it. Go.

Sorry.
Oh.

[Exhales]

Hey. Hi.
Hey.

How are you?
Hi, guys.
Hey.

That looks good.
Oh, thank you. Thanks.

Don't thank us. Open it.
Dad is coming right behind.

[Doorbell Ringing]
[Knocking]

[Jay]
Knock, knock! We're here.
Coming in!

Don't worry, Dad.
Nothing gay going on here.

May I take your multicolored
coat and bejeweled cap?

Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, Jay.

Gloria, hi.
Hi.

How are you?
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Gloria. How are you?

Oh, what a beautiful dress.
Ay, thank you, Phil.

Okay.
Oh, hey-
Phil.

That's how she says "Phil."
Not "feel." Phil.
Oh.

- So how was your trip?
- It was good.
It was good actually.

But, um, about that, I-
I have something
that I need to tell you guys.

Um- Uh, we didn't
just go to Vietnam
for pleasure.

We, uh, kind of have
some big news.

Oh, God.
If Cam comes out here
with boobs, I'm leaving.

- [Claire] Dad.
- I hope he didn't
embarrass you, Mom.

Oh, don't mind her.
Haley had her first
boy over today...

and Phil shot him.

Anyway, um, so, about-
about a year ago,

Cam and I started feeling
this longing, you know,

for something more,
like, uh, maybe a baby?

- Ooh, that's a bad idea.
- What do you mean, "bad idea"?

Well, kids need a mother.
I mean if you two guys
are bored, get a dog.

Okay, we're not bored, Dad.

I support you, Mitchell,
even though you're not my son.

I-I-I-I think what Dad
is trying to say...

is that, Mitchell,
you're a little uptight.

- Kids bring chaos, and-
and you don't handle it well.
- That's not what Dad's saying.

That's what you're saying.
And it's insulting
in a whole different way.

Okay, people.
Let's all "chillax."

Hey, where's Uncle Cameron?
Thank you. Thank you.

Someone who's not insulting me
notices he's not here.

Oh, so that's
the big announcement, huh?
You two broke up.

Well- Well, a baby
wasn't gonna help that anyway.

And let me tell you.
You're better off, because
he was a bit of a drama queen.

No, no, no.
Stop. Stop. No.

You come into my house
and you insult me and my boyfriend,

who, by the way,
is not that dramatic-

♪♪ [Stereo: Man Singing In Zulu]
Oh, God.

♪♪ [Chorus Singing In Zulu]

[Man]
♪ It's the circle of life ♪

We adopted a baby.
♪ And it moves us all ♪

Her name is Lily.
Oh.

Exciting!
Just turn it off.

I can't turn it off.
It's who I am.

The music.
Oh, yes, the music.
[Chuckles]

♪♪ [Stops]
Come say hi to Lily.

Ay, miren a la princesita.
The little princess.
[Haley] She's so cute!

So cute.
Thank you.

[Claire]
Let me see her. Let me see her.
Let me see her.

Hi there, Lily.

"Lily." Isn't that gonna be
hard for her to say?
[Haley] So cute.

Phil.
Excuse me.

Okay, I-I-I know that I said
I thought this was a bad idea.

But, uh, what do I know?

I mean, it's not like
I wrote the book on fatherhood.

Been trying all my life
to get it right.
I'm still screwing up.

- Right, Manny?
- I wrote a song about it in the car.

Of course you did. Uh-

Anyway, I'm happy for you.
And, uh, you should know that, uh,

I'm not here
to spit in your face,

I'm here to...
blow at your back.

I don't understand
what that means.
I don't-

Well, it's- it's supposed to
sound better in Spanish.

Voy a ser la brisa
en tu espalda, no quien
te escupa en la frente.

Oh, that's beautiful.
That's really nice.

And thank you too.

Anyhow, Mitch, uh-

- No, Dad, it's- it's-
- [Lily Crying]

I got her.
I got her.
Oh, she's crying.

She wants her grandpa!
She wants her daddy!

Do you wanna meet Grandpa?
What? Are you kidding?

She's one of us now.
Let me see the little pot sticker.
[Chuckling]

Hey, you're a cutie,
aren't you?

Ah. Look at this.
[All Fussing]

[Jay]
We're from different worlds,
yet we somehow fit together.

Love is what binds us,

through fair or stormy weather.

I stand before you now
with only one agenda-

"To let you know
my heart is yours,

Feldman comma Brenda."

I mean, seriously.

Luke, so far,
hasn't beaten me
in basketball.

It's 2-0. 2-0.
Okay. Okay.

[Grunting]

Get that weak stuff
out of my kitchen!
Dad, stop it!

Can you do me a favor?
Just grab-

Ooh! How's the weather
down there?

But when the day comes
that he does win-

if- you know- if/when-

he beats me,
I'm just gonna be like,

"Well done. Well done."

Just, like, let him-
Just support him...

in- in- in that kind of stuff.

I mean, I'd probably want to go,
like, two out of three and just
see what happens there, but-

ENGLISH - US - PSDH