Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Bicycle Thief - full transcript

After buying a new bike for his son, Phil ends up lying when it gets stolen. Jay tries bonding with Manny. Cam and Mitchell begin daycare classes for Lily.

[ imitates explosion ]


Come on,
we're only halfway done.

I need help.

I was supposed to keep
a journal all summer.

It's due today.

Wow, first day of school,
and you're already behind?

[ groans ]
I'm dead.

All right, tell me
how far you've gotten.


"June 21st --
found a stick."


"June 22nd..."

That's it.

That's it?

It was
a really cool stick.

He's right.
It looked like a snake.

Getting everybody out of
the house in the morning
can be really tough,

the first day of school.

From the minute we get up
at 7:00

Till we drop them off
at school,

It is go, go, go.

I get up at 6:00.

[ chuckles ]
I get up at 5:00.

I get up at 6:00.

That's you? I th--
I thought we had a raccoon.

I can't believe my littlboy
is going into the fifth grade.

He used to hold my finger
with his little hand

And look at me
with those big eyes.

Oh, mi niño pequeño, jay!

Yep, they grow up.

Come on, manny,
let's get going!

How's my hair?

Hold on.

What are you
wearing there?

That looks like
an old christmas tree skirt.

It's a traditional
colombian poncho.

I want my new classmates to know
I'm proud of my heritage.

Sí. I think you look
very handsome, lindo.

Oh, really?

Am I driving him to school,
or is he gonna ride his burro?

* you are a cutie-pie,
yes, you are *

* you are a cutie-pie *

Are you still

Everything we own
is pointy.

Why is our daughter
dressed like donna summer?

She is not donna summer.

Clearly, she's diana ross
from the rca years.

How is daddy
not seeing that?

I really thought
you were done with this.

I made
no such promises.

I guess I'm somewhat
of a shutterbug, um,

And my new favorite model,
of course, is lily.

I just completed
a series of photographs

Of her dressed
as various pop icons.

Let's see, I've done,
uh, olivia newton-john.

I've done madonna,
the early years.

Stevie wonder.

Yeah, there are days
when lily has more
costume changes than cher.

[ gasps ] cher!
How could I forget cher?

That's embarrassing.

That's embarrassing?

Honey, you moving out?Ans ]

Five more years.

A little help here?

This is why we suggested
the violin.

The cello is more in demand
in university orchestras.

You know what's not
in demand?
Oh, what?

Girls who play
in university orchestras.

[ laughs
sarcastically ]

Here, I'll help you carry it
out to the curb.

put on some pants.

Come on, this covers up more
than my bathing suit.

don't reminde.

Haley, honey, don't forget
the driving instructor

Is picking you up
from school.

Can't he pick me up
someplace else?

I don't want kids at school
thinking I'm dating

A 40-year-old driving instructor
who's not even cute.

Haley just got
her learner's permit

We've been taking turns
driving with her.

One of the really standard
rules of the road

Is we want to keep
a safe distance

Between us
and the car in front of it,

And that is not safe
right there -- not safe.

All right.

Okay, merge.

I --

Mom --

Merge, merge,
merge, merge, merge!

Stop it!
You're freaking me out!

This navigation system's
all messed up.

It thinks we'rin a park.

Oh, my god,
it is a park!

Away from the kids!

Where do I go?!
Aim for the lake!

The lake?!
Aim for the lake!

Makes you realize we're all
just hanging by a thread.

The last thing manny needs
on his first day of school

Is you under-melting
his confidence.

Now u're doing it
to me, too.

I'm sorry,
but there's only two places

Anyone should wear
a poncho --

Niagara falls
and log rides.

You think too much
about these things.

I wear all sort
of daring outfits all the time,

And people admire them because
I wear them with the confidence.

I'm sure it's the confidence
they're admiring.

[ chuckles ]

I just...

I just think
it's a little over-the-top.

You know what? You need
to loosen up and have fun.

I am loose. I'm fun.


Breakfast for dinner
last week -- my idea.

Ever since we brought lily home,
you've been tense.

All you do is put child locks
on things, read parenting books.

Would you please stop
and --

Here -- just hold
your daughter.

Hold her and relax.

All right, sweetheart.
Come on.

Just relax.
Oh, sweetheart.

Did you put hair spray
on this?

Just a little bit, yes.

I'm gonna put
some music on.
No, cam,
I have to go to work.

Dance with her!
I don't have time
for this.

Put a little boogie
in it.

[ dance music plays ]
oh, come on.

Just dance.
You know you love this song.

This is actually
a really good song.

All right. Okay.

Who's the dancing queen,

[ music continues ]

Put a little boogie
in it.
I don't have time.

Fun, right?

[ thud ]

Oh, my --
was that her head?

No, I think if it was her head,
she would be --

[ lily crying ]

that was her head.

Okay, okay.

Yes, I know.

I got boo-boo bear
from the freezer.

Why do you have chocolate
on your face?

It was under a pie.

So you ate your way
to it?

I made a judgment call.
You weren't there!

Do you think
she's all right?

She didn't cry
that much.

M-maybe that's a bad sign.
You know...

We should try
and make her laugh.

'cause that's how we'll know
she's okay.

Where's, um...
Where's doggy?

Doggy, doggy.

Here, doggy.

Okay, there you go.


But it's a dog.

Yeah, I know.
That's why it's funny.

I don't think it's as funny
as you think it is.

Can we please just call
your sister?
No, no.

Cam, cam, why, so she
can be all judgmental
and condescending,

Like she's the expert
and I don't know how to
take care of a baby?

she is your family.

Of course she's gonna be
judgmental and condescending.


Hey, hi.

Uh, not a big deal,
just wondering --

When your kids were small,
did you ever...

I don't know, uh,
smack their heads into a wall?

we just gave time-outs.

No, no. Accidentally.

Um, we -- we just kind of
bonked lily's head,

And she --
it really wasn't very hard,

And she's not acting
any differently,

But I just worry --

It happens.

Luke used to bang his head
all the time, and he's fine.

All right, thank you.

Thanks. That helps.
Okay, okay.

We got to take her
to the doctor.

Load up the car.

Jay: Gloria?

I'm here.

I, uh, just dropped manny off
at school,

And I realized...

I just dropped manny off
at school.

Oh, boy.

And I was hoping we'd still have
a few more good years

Before the mind
started to go.

No, what I'm saying...

We have the day to ourselves
for the first time in months.

We should
take advantage of it --

Go to the club...

Nice lunch...

Some massages.

What about work?

I'm the boss.

Since I married you,
people are surprised
I come in at all.

[ chuckles ]

Jay's very spontaneous.

He's always surprising me
with little presents,

Fun getaways.

I wasn't the greatest husband
the first time around,

But I'm trying to do better
this time.

And maybe by my third marriage,
I'll have it down pat.

[ chuckles ]

Yeah, that one's
gonna cost me.

Whatcha reading there,
a book?

Yeah, I've been meaning
to get to it for a while.

Oh, it's got a map
at the beginning.

I like it
when books do that.


Do you have an open house
this morning?

I rescheduled.

Thought you might like
some company.


Phil: Well, the first day
of school can be tough

For stay-at-home moms.

Now, you have to understand --
the kids are gone,

The nest is empty,
they are rudderless.

And a lot of guys
wouldn't even notice.

But I'm not a lot of guys.

I listen with my mind,
and if you pay attention,

Women will tell you
what they want

By telling you the opposite
of what they want.

Like, the other day,
claire was like,

"you have to move your car.

There's no space in the garage
for both of our cars."

And what she's really saying
is that, you know,

I should probably get
a sports car.

I was sort of looking forward
to a quiet day.

Thought I'd just read,
maybe...Go for a run later.

That's it.

We'll run together.

You don't
have to do that.



The thing is,
I like to run alone,

And I run kind of fast,


So, I'm not sure

You're gonna be able
to keep up with me.

[ laughs ]

You're k--
you're kidding, right?

You really think
I can't keep up with you?

I'm not sure you can keep up
with this conversation.

I think you're forgetting
that I power-walk every morning

And that I wear my special ses
with the big soles,

Which were designed
by a doctor.

Yes, I know.

But I run...
Every day.

You really think you can run
as fast as me?

No, phil, I think I can run
much, much faster...

...Than you.


Just like that,
the whole day changed.

It was game on.

She knew it. I knew it.
We both knew it.

[ sighs ]

I just want to read.

I think I'll order
what I had the last time.

What was that called?

You just want me to
say it because you want
me to roll my r's.

Come on!
[ trilling ]

[ laughs ]

Jay, what is this?

Oh, looks like
my old car cover.

Don't give me that.
This is manny's poncho.

What is it doing here?

Maybe he decided to take it off
on the way to school.

What did you say to him?

I told some jokes.

You said plenty
with your jokes.

Jay, he looks up to you.

He respects your opinion.

We dodged a bullet on this,
trust me.

I've been
down this road before.

I remember one time
mitchell decided to wear

A jaunty scarf to school.

I kept my mouth shut.

He got
his jaunty butt kicked.

My dad has this perception that
I was very flamboyant as a kid,

Which is just --
it's nonsense,

Because I kept the whole
gay thing very under wraps.

You know,
I was just a guy's guy.

I-I was basically a jock.

You know?

So, we should crush
manny's spirit

And destroy everything
that makes him who he is.

I'm just sing,
it's no fun

To see your kid
get picked on every day,

Getting tormented
just because he's different.

Now, I'm telling you,
it rips your heart out.

Well, batman doesn't get
picked on, and he wears a cape.

A poncho is just a cape
that goes all the way around.

Batman doesn't get picked on
because he's a muscular genius.

Manny can't make it
to the top bunk.

We're taking this poncho
to manny at school.

It's important that he knows
that we support m.

And then we go get
those massages.

That sounded good.

I always take the stairs
two at a time.

I don't even think about it

The regular way
would seem weird.

Phil, let it go.
I'm faster than you.

If only there was some way
we could settle this

Once and for all,
but how?


You seriously
want to race me?

I ran a half marathon
last year.

Wow. I'm half scared.

we do need to do this.

I'll go change.

Not now.
I got a conference call.

But how about after that?

Great. This afternoon.


Two at a time,
two at a time, two at a --

Son of a gun,
got to fix that step.

Two at a time,
already at the top, so...

I'm dr. Miura.

I'm on call today.

Looks like we have
a little head bump.

Yeah, it happened a couple hours
ago on a doorjamb.

Oh, ouch.

We used to do this thing
in school

Where they would give you
an egg,

And you -- you know,
you couldn't break it.

And it was supposed to teach you
how hard it was to be a parent.


The real thing, it's --
it's -- it's so much harder.

We did that
in my school, too.

It didn't turn out
so well.

Went through a dozen eggs.

Yeah, well,
he's a nervous eater.

No, I broke
a dozen eggs.

I'm sorry.
I just assumed that --

I know.

I know
what you assumed.

There doesn't seem to be
any mark.

Well, her head was...
Somewhat protected.


Was she wearing
a hat?

Yes, yes.
It was like a hat.

It was a wig.

Actually, sort of
a ghetto-fabulous afro thing.

I thought it might be
medically relevant.


You thought "ghetto-fabulous"
might be medically relevant?

Maybe I should just finish
with the exam?

Yes. Thanks.

You'll be pleased to know

That mitchell and I
intend on raising lily

With influences
from her asian heritage.

That is fantastic.

Have you noticed any vomiting
since the head bump?

Uh, no. No, no.

We've hung some art in her room,
some asian art,

And then when she's ready
for solid food,

There is a fantastic
pho place

Right around the corner
from our house.

Am I pronouncing that

Is it "pho"?

It's a soup.

I don't know.

I'm from denver.

We don't have
a lot of...Pho there.

Just to be sure,

Could you show me
how hard lily got hit?

And u-- use your head.

Oh, yeah, so, I mean,
really, it was...

It was just
sort of like, um...

Could I see that

Um, it was just --
just a head bump, you know?

How are you feeling?

Uh, fine.

So is lily.

Babies are designed
to survive new parents.

So stop worrying.
You guys are doing great.

Thank you.


I don't see any ponchos,

Which means either the kids
don't wear them

Or the ones who do wear them

We're doing
the right thing.

I support manny
no matter what.

Children need to know
that you believe in them.

It's the most
important thing.

If you tell them
they have wings,

They will believe
they can fly.

Oh, really?

I had a buddy
went to woodstock,

Believed he could fly --
didn't end great.

It's why hotel windows
don't open anymore.

Is something wrong?
Who's died?

No one, manny.

Why would you even
think that?

In colombia, manny went to
pablo escobar elementary school.

If you were
pulled out of class,

It was definitely
to identify a body.

Well, we got
your poncho here.

I thought you said
it made me look like

My neck
was wearing a dress.

That was a joke.

Oh, good
it's still in the pocket.

What do you got there,

My pan flute.

I'm going to play
some colombian folk music

For my new classmates.

Huh. Great.

I've never been
more proud of you.

I'm sure your friends
are gonna love it.

Break the flute.

The poncho by itself
is fine.

The poncho plus the flute
plus the stupid dance --

My son will die a virgin.

That's right.

Hey, sport, can I take a look
at that whistle?

Oh, geez,
look at that!

And now you stepped
on it!

Oh, darn!
Wh-what's wrong with me?!

Here, let me get it.

Thank you.

You know what, actually,
maybe you should do this.

I-I don't want to
bump her head against the door,

You know,
pinch her with the seat belt.

Mitchell, how long are
you gonna beat yourself
up over one mistake?

Is this gonna be like the bld
highlights all over again?

I just...

I think I suck
at being a father.

What are you
talking about?

We're new at this.

Yeah, but you're such
a natural.

I mean, look at you.

You walk into the room,
and she lights up.

You -- you change her diaper
with one hand.

I -- nice.

I'm actually jealous
of you.

There are so many things
that you do that I can't.

You -- you baby-proofed
the entire house.

You took care of all
the adoption paperwork.

Without you, we wouldn't even
have a baby to injure.

Just a couple of forms.

that was a lot of paperwork.

And you got her on all those
preschool waiting lists.

I can't believe you
were gonna wait until
she was old enough.

You see, that's what makes us
a great team.

We each have
our own strengths.


Who are
amazing parents?

We are.
I can't hear you.

We are!

Don't you forget it.

Did we just lock our baby
in the car?

Did you put the keys
in the bag?!

I put the keys in the bag.
That's what we always --

Oh, mitchell, I told you not to
put the keys in the bag!

Don't freak out.
Come on, don't freak out!

Lily, it's okay!

* a, b, c, d,
e, f, g *

are you singing to her?

People get arrested
for this, mitchell!
We have to keep her calm.

* h, I, j, k,
l, m, n, o, p *

Do all four doors lock?!
Do you have a phone?!

[ dance music playing ]

I didn't say anything.

I couldn't hear you.
I'm cranking one of my mash-ups.


Hey, hey!

There they are.

How was the first day
back in prison?


What are youuys

Your mom and I are racing to
the mailbox on sequoia and back.


I don't know.
Oh, she knows.

Hey, buddy, as soon
as I'm done kicking a
little mom butt here,

How about I school you
in some mariokart?

Got to work on my journal.


Hey, uh, alex, you?

I have a history paper.

Well, if you want see
a little history

Being made right here --
not really.

[ door closes ]


Are you?
I was born ready.

I came out of the womb
wearing tiny, little, golden...


I'm breaking the window!

Trina: Emergency assistance.
This is trina.

Help! We locked our
baby in the car, and
people are judging us!

I swear to god,
I'm gonna break it!

Do not break the window!
You'll get glass on her!

Sir, please tell your wife
to relax.

is going to be okay.

That's a man.

Don't worry, lily!
Lily, daddy's coming for you!

Sir, we just sent
the signal.

The door
should be unlocked now.

Check -- check the door.

Check the door,
check the door.

It's not unlocked!


[ panting ] oh.

That is amazing.

How did they do that?

I don't know.
It's just --

We got it. Thank you.
Did that come
from space?

I run five miles a day.

I have a resting heart rate
of 48.

There is no way I'm going
to lose a two-mile race

To johnny ski pole.

[ breathing heavily ]

Just saving
my energy...

Drafting off of you.

You feeling cocky?

Yeah, I am.

[ laughs ]

I love it!

But after seeing
that t-shirt,

I realized something.

The first day of school
is tough on all my kids,

the one I married.

Boo boo boop!

Afterburners engaged!


Don't choke
on my smoke!

And down the stretch
he goes!

I don't believe it!

Daddy wins!

Do you believe
in miracles?!

U.S.-- Oh, no!

Claire: Oh, geez!

[ gasps ]

Oh, my --

What was that?!
Was that a person?!

I'm good!

I'm good!

I'm good!
Are you okay?

You're getting better,

Did I lose the race
to make him feel better?


But it just seemed like
he could use a win today.

We do strange things
for the people we love.

We lie to them.

We lie for them.

There may beome bumps
along the way,

But we never stop wanting
the best for them.

That's what makes it
such a tough job...

But kind of the best job
in the world.

What are you doing?!
Keep your eyes on the road!

Eyes on the road!
Oh, my god!

Oh, my...

[ siray.Wails ]
oh. Uh-oh.Kay.

All right, sweetie,
this happens.

Remain calm.
That's the first thing.

Pull over right here.
I'll get out the registration.

Mom, I don't like cops.
Okay, pull over
right there.

I don't like cops.
All right,
there's a space right here.

I can't pull over.
No, I can't.

You need to pull over.

I can't pull over.
I don't like cops.

You got to pull over.
No can do.

I got priors.
I'm speeding up.

The parking ticket
from the mall --

I never paid
the parking ticket!

Keep moving, sweetheart!

Dad agrees with me --
I can speed up!

[ siren wails ]
it's not a movie, haley!
Pull over!