Misfits (2009–2013): Season 5, Episode 7 - Episode #5.7 - full transcript

I need to snap the band,
remind myself that this is real.

Morning, Mark.

It's a man. He's trapped in here.

If you want to be with me
then we have to tell Finn.

You are to become an agent of Satan.

Meam tenebris.

I've got the power to fuck

powers out of people.

EMMA: I cause accidents.

Your mate said you'd take my power.

ABBY: Use your power, Alex.



Be a superhero.

(# CHARLES BRADLEY:
The World ls Going Up In Flames)

#I...

# on, baby

# Mm, mm-mm

# This world... #

- You're Alex, aren't you?
- Mm-hm.

I need you to take my power.

Is that right?
And what power might that be?

I've got hypnotic tits.

#...Don't tell me... #

(MUSIC BLURS)

Can we just get this over with?

#... When you never felt the pain... #



(SHE MOANS)

Is that it? Did it work?

Yeah, yeah, I guess it did.

- Um, I didn't get your name.
- That's because I didn't give it to you.

Well, do you want to stay for a drink?

I know you're supposed to have the drink
before you shag, but, er...

Or can I just get your number?
Because then I thought

it would be nice if we could...

if we could see each other again.

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

# The city breathing, the people churning
The conversating

# The price is what?

# The conversating
This place is heaven

# And if you see them

# They say what? #

Everyone, we've got
an announcement to make.

So tomorrow's the one-year anniversary
of the storm.

Thus it is my birthday.

And mine. I'm gonna be one.

Well, that's just fucking weird.

Well, we've having a party
here at the Community Centre

and you're all invited.

- Question.
- Yes, there'll be a buffet.

I accept your invitation.

So it's going to be like
a normal first birthday party

but instead of pass the parcel
and little paper hats,

there'll be vodka and drugs
and people fucking each other.

- Ah!
- Mm-mm.

Yeah.

Helen'll be there. I just... I really want
you to meet her, man. Please come.

Yeah, all right. I might pop down.

I'll have a sausage roll.

You have got sausage rolls, haven't you?

Fuck's sake! I'll get the sausage rolls.

OK.

Oh, yeah.

I am...

...looking for a girl.

I think she might have been
at your support group.

Finlay! My child!

Please, I insist. Anything you want.

Anything up to the value of...

60 whole English pennies, dude.

Now, may I suggest E7?
That is the Bounty bar.

Truly is a tropical taste sensation.

Why are you being so nice to me?!

No rea... Dude, what the f?
When did you get so cynical?

Whatever happened
to me bright-eyed little sunbeam...

with his little hatful of hope there?

The reason is I'm going...
I'm going out with Jess.

I've said it.

I'm sorry, man.

- You think that's funny(?)
- Dude, I'm not joking, Finn.

We are. We're boyfriend
and girlfriend, Finn. We...

We fuck and stuff and spoon.
We're shagging. We're fuck spoons.

Did you really think
I was going to fall for that?!

Fuck's sake.

Jess likes pretty boys, like me...

...and Alex. Just...
You're not her type, mate,

- trust me.
- Unbelievable!

Unbe-frigging...! Fuck you, dude.

Snack revoked.

You'll have to buy
your own Bounty bar, dickhead.

- I will.
- Do.

(DOOR UNLOCKING)

What are you doing here?

- You forgot to say thank you.
- For what?

For, um... helping you out.

The way I see it,
we both got what we wanted.

I got rid of my power
and you got an easy fuck.

Right, OK. So that's...

That's what you think I'm about?

I just go around just...

...shagging anything that moves
for the fun of it.

I don't know what you're about.

(HE SCOFFS)

Look, I... I've had sex with men...

...girls that were...
Oh, well, she was battered,

covered in blood

and, look, all I'm trying to do
is just help people.

Wow, you're all heart(!)

So you are just going to use me
and walk away, then?

There's a party at
the Community Centre tomorrow night.

Give me a chance.

I appreciate what you did for me,
all right?

Thank you,
if that's what you need to hear.

But I don't owe you anything.

Just leave me alone.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

You are still coming, aren't you,
to the party?

I told you, mate. I'll be there.

Yeah, I know,
but it's just a bit of a big deal.

It's the first time we're all gonna be
in the same place at the same time.

You know, the, er... the, er...

...the Jumper Posse.

Mate, that has got to be
the worst fucking name

for a gang of superheroes I've ever heard.

Oh, just... We'll work on it.

(DOOR OPENING)

Wait!

(HE TUTS)

Addiction...

...is a weakness.

And weakness must be stamped upon.

Oh, no, it's... It's not all for me.

It's my birthday.

- Oh!
- We're having a party.

Oh! You're having a party?

- Yeah.
- In my Community Centre?

Am I invited?

N-No.

No, you're right.

I mean, why would you want
some miserable old cunt hanging around...

...spoiling all your fun?

Well, it's not as if we're friends.
We're not fucking friends.

Probation Worker, are you saying
you'd like to come to our party?

Would you like me to come to your party?

Yeah.

- What time does it start?
- About nine.

See you about nine, then.

(# ALTERED IMAGES: Happy Birthday)

# Happy birthday, happy birthday

# Happy birthday, happy birthday

# Happy birthday... #

- Are you all right?
- Here he is.

I just... I wanted to talk to you before
everyone else gets here, that's all.

Here, before you start waffling on...

...I got you a present.
- Have ya?

What is it?

Have a look.

Eh?

- It's a pill.
- Yeah.

Well, shit, man. Apparently
my dealer doesn't do book tokens, so...

- # Ta-da! #
- You know I don't do drugs.

Oh, yeah! Shit!

No point in wasting that, then, is there?

Did you even get me a card?
Did you get me... anything?

No, I didn't get you a birthday card

because today isn't actually
your real birthday, is it?

January 7th - that is our birthday.

No, that's your birthday, isn't it?

Today.

Today is my birthday.

Now just...

I've been thinking about this a lot and...

I think we need to split up.

Now, we're spending
more and more time apart.

You know, since I met Helen...

...I feel more confident in meself,
you know, and who I wanna be.

You know, I just...
I hope we can still be friends.

I just... I just... I do, and I need to
stand on my own two feet now. I need to...

I need to be me own person.

Shit, yeah!

Of course. Of course you do.

Yeah.

Well, you'll be fine.
Well, you'll be all right.

- Yeah.
- You... You'll be fine. You'll be fine.

Happy birthday.

Eh?

Yeah.

- (# YAZOO: Don't Go)
- (PARTY TOOTER TOOTS)

Is this it?

Maybe.

At least you lot are here.

And Mark.

ALEX: Oh, well,
it's all about Mark, isn't it?

Cos he can really make or break a party,
can't he - Mark(?)

Fucking hell! Oh, my God!

What the fuck is he doing here, dude?!

Oh, yeah, I invited the probation worker.

But why?!

Great(!) Just when you think
the party can't get any shitter!

Fuck it. I'm just going to get this shit
out of the way.

I've got you all a present, actually,
cos it's been one year since the storm.

Here you are, dude.
Here you are, love. Finlay.

Abs.

It's a pill.

And no,
I didn't get a fucking gift receipt,

so happy anniversary, you dickheads.

What is wrong with you,
Little Miss Sunshine?!

Nothing, actually.
I'm having a great time(!)

I'm going to go for a drink for everybody.
Do you want a drink? I'll get you a drink.

YAZOO: #... Won't let you go, don't go... #

(# DURAN DURAN: Hungry Like The Wolf)

# Dark in the city... #

- You came.
- Oh, yeah,

I was coming anyway.

I'm here with my friends
from the support group.

Yeah.

Right. Yeah, obviously.

Um...

well, um...

So have a good night.

#... Won't you give me a sign... #

Hiya, I'm Abby - the birthday girl.

All right?

- All right?
- Hiya.

This is, um...

Helen.

You're Rudy 1.

Rudy.

It's just Rudy.

- Should be a good night, eh?
- Doubt it, dude.

Don't usually throw parties.

Long story short - we shat ourselves.

On a bouncy castle. Got a bit messy.
Do you remember?

Mum and Dad lost the deposit.

I'm sure he'll tell you all about it,
won't you, mate?

- WHISPERS: it wasn't that bad.
- I forgot to say...

' happy birthday!
- Did you?

Oh, come on!

Oh!

I'm, er...

I'm just gonna go and see if any of
the others are here, all right? Yeah?

Oi!

D'you know,
this is your fuckin' fault, this is?

Eh? You're filling his head
wi' all these big ideas.

He's going off being his own person,

doing his own fuckin' thing.
D'you know what you're doing?

You're trying to split up the band.

Me and him are the fuckin' Beatles, mate,

and you're just that
yodelling Chinese... woman.

- Yoko Ono?
- Yeah.

- She's Japanese.
- Is she?

Yeah?
Well, when it all goes fuckin' tits up

it'll be me that he comes
running back to, won't it,

with his tiny little penis
between his legs?

Look,

we're together,
and if you can't deal with that

then I guess
you'll just have to go fuck yourself.

- Oh, you fuckin'...
- I can't find...

Here he is!

I can't... I can't find 'em.

I'll help you find them.

- See ya later, Rudy 1.
- See you in a bit.

Fuck's sake!

He is. He... He's leaving me.

And I mean for good this time.
He wants to be wi' Helen.

It's like leaving home, innit?
It was always going to happen one day.

Do you know what is a really good cure
for a bad mood?

No.

- Magic beans.
- Uh?

Ooh! See? I feel better already. Mm...

No, mate. I'll have it later or summat.

(RUDY SIGHS-ls)

Look“.

I do get it.

You're scared because he's going

and you don't want to be
on your own, do you?

No.

You're not going to be on your own.

You know why?

Cos I got you.

Yes. It's because you've got me,
you miserable prick.

Oh, shit!

That's not how it looked, Finn, cos, um...

It is, actually.
It is exactly how it looked.

And I'm sorry, dude,
cos I've been try... Finn! Finn!

Sorry, mate.

No worries, mate.

- I don't think they're coming.
- They said they'd be here.

If they can't even be bothered to show
up on time, they can both fuck off.

Nice!

Who are you?

I'm the one
that you just told to fuck off.

Er, this is Helen.
It's the one I was telling you about.

Congratulations, mate. She's a charmer(!)

We're just...
We're just waiting on Karen now.

She should be here any minute,
running a bit late.

I'm here.

Oh, my God!
Have you been spying on us?

No, I just... I got here early.

I didn't want people to see me
hanging round on my own.

What did she say?

I wasn't spying on you.

I can't understand what she's saying.

She said she wasn't spying on you.

Er, Karen...

do you want to tell them about your power?

I can blend into my surroundings.

Hide in plain sight.

We'll have to sort out subtitles or
something, cos I can't hear a word of it.

Let's... Come on, let's go and...
Let's go and have a drink, guys.

Do you want a drink? Come on, Karen.

(# KAJAGOOGOO: Too Shy)

# Hush, hush

# Eye to eye

# Too shy, shy

# Hush, hush, eye to eye

# Hush, hush... #

You fuckin' lied to me.

Dude, I didn't, man.
Technically that's inaccurate, cos I...

I fuckin' offered to buy you a Bounty bar,

for God's sake.
I was telling you the truth. You just...

You just... You didn't believe me, Finn.

And d'you know why?

Because I didn't think
you'd do that to me.

Come on, man. Don't be like this.
Come to Uncle Rudy for a bit.

Don't think that
you can just laugh it off.

Fuck me over
and then make a joke out of it.

And you know what?

I know you probably won't give a shit,
because you've got Jess now.

But as far as friendship goes,

you and me -

we're finished.

Enjoy the fuckin' party.

Finn?

Fuck!

Fuck's sake.

Relax. I am... I am not following you.
I just came to get some air.

Is that? Is that all right?

Be my guest.

Sorry about the other day.

It's just this year has been...

a fucking nightmare -

the power thing.

I had to stop seeing my dad.

He just couldn't stop staring at them.

Oh, shit, mate!

Oh, I didn't even think about that.

Nobody needs their dad
staring at their tits, do they?

No.

D'you wanna go and get a drink?

What kind of a drink?

Like a date drink, or a drink drink?

Well, I was just thinking...
a drink with alcohol in.

All right.

- But it isn't a date.
- All right, fine. It's not a date.

- (# BREACH: Jack)
- # I want your body

# Everybody wants your body

# So let's jack, let's jack

# I want your body
Everybody wants your body

# So let's jack

# Come on, let's jack

# I want your body... #

Rudy 1 or Rudy 2?

It's Rudy!

It's just Rudy!

I'm Ghostbusters, he's Ghostbusters ll,

and everybody knows Ghostbusters ll
was a right piece of shit.

I quite liked it.

You fucking would, wouldn't you?

Do you know ecstasy reverses your power?

Whatever your power is,
it makes it do the opposite.

That's a good fact.

All right, stay off the pills,
stick to the friggin' heroin, then(!)

Oh, fuck! Jess! Shit!

(RAVE DANCE MUSIC)

# I'm gone, gone, gone

# I'm gone... #

Abby! Abby! Have you seen Jess?

- No.
- Fuck!

Have you taken your pill?

No, I was going to have it
with a bit of cake later.

No, no, you do not take the friggin' pill.
It'll reverse all your powers.

Cake? Fuckin' cake?!

(WHIRRING)

What the fuck?!

I can't see.

I can't fucking s... see.

(SHOUTS) Rudy!

Some... Someone?

My mate...

...he got turned into an agent of Satan

and I had to fuck him in the arse.

Oh, meek')

Yeah.

Oh, and I almost, almost
shagged a tortoise once.

So, you do draw the line
at shagging animals?

Good to know.

Er, so, you, are you...

seeing anyone...

at the moment?

Ur?

Well, when I had my power,

it was kinda hard to tell the good guys
from the wankers

and there have been a lot of wankers.

Yeah.

Problem?

Oh, God! Sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

Er, it's just now that I know
I'm not supposed to look at them...

...all I want to do is look at them.

You know when you see
a dead cat in the road

and you don't want to look at it

but then the more that you try and stop
yourself, the more that you can't help it?

OK. Well, urn, how about
I give you one free look, then?

Seeing as you took my power.

That would... That would be great.

- Happy now?
- Awesome.

- So shall I compliment you on them?
- Let's just leave the tits, shall we?

- Same again?
- Mm. Mm...

RUDY: Jess? Jess?

Shit! Jess, are you all right?
I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

- Fuckin' hell!
- What's happening? I can't see.

It's the fucking pills
reversed your power.

Oh, Christ!

Am I fucking blind?

No, no, no, you're not. You're not blind.

You've just got to wait for it
to wear off.

Just sit tight, wait for it to wear off.

- Please don't leave me.
- I'm not gonna leave you.

Next time I see someone
collecting for blind people,

I'm giving them a fiver,
because being blind is fucking boring.

No, no. Shh! Shh!

'(om!

I've got something for you.

I knitted you a jumper.

Brilliant! Absolutely.
That's fantastic, cos that's the one thing

this party's missing,
is a bespoke piece of chunky knitwear(!)

What a relief.

You two have a nice night.

Wh? What is it?

Honestly, that fucking woman.

Give it here. It's a bloody future jumper.

What's on it?

- Goodness. Honest to God!
- What?

You just...
You will never believe this. Fuckin'...

- What?
- We are...

We are get... We are having a f...

We're having... We're getting a hamster.
We're getting a hamster.

A hamster?

Yeah, we're getting a fuckin' ham...
He's an absolute belter.

I can see him right now. How cute(!)

- Wonderful.
- I hate hamsters.

Well, it's on the jumper.

It's on the fuckin' jumper, so
it's definitely gonna happen now, innit,

- for fuck's sake?
- What's wrong with you?

Nothing. Jess, honestly, I am abso...
I'm made up. I'm bloody made up.

I'm just going to get a drink. Do you
want a drink? I'm going to get a drink.

- Just wait. I'll be back in...
- Don't... Don't you leave me.

Rudy?

What are you doing?

I'm waiting for Mark
to come up on his pill.

You gave ecstasy to a turtle?

I gave ecstasy to a tortoise.

Yeah.

You know, this really is
the worst party ever.

- Why don't you wanna dance?
- It's not... It's not really my thing.

- Really?
- I'm not much of a mover or a shaker.

Hey!

I was looking for you.
I just wanted to let you know...

things are much better now.

Mate, that is so great.

Seriously, man.

I'll see you later.

D'you know what?

Everything used to be so simple.

Like, you'd just meet someone
and you'd like them

and then you'd go on a date
with each other.

And then the storm happens
and everything gets fucked.

Not that... this is a date.

Come on.

Where? Where are we going?

We're having a dance.

(# TORQUX: Silhouette)

How's your night?

You know, pretty...

Pretty shit.

Just found out
me best mate's been having sex with...

probably the only girl
I've ever really loved.

Women don't know what they do to us.

And then they ride off into the sunset
with someone...

...slightly less handsome than ourselves.

I mean, Alex, yeah,
he's a handsome barman.

- But Rudy?
- I had a girlfriend once.

Roxy.

My best mate Conti...

...stole her from me.

See - flying...

electricity and that is camouflage.

You are superheroes, guys. You are!

Great. The Jumper Posse.

That is such a shit name
for a gang of superheroes.

At least we agree on something.

Who's the guy on the roof?

Oh, I think that's me. Huh...

What is your power? Because
we all bring something to the table.

So far, you've just got
a shit taste in jumpers.

Don't take the piss out of him.

I think I'm your mentor.

Actually, you know, like the, um...

Like the talking rat on the
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the, er...

Splinter!

What would we do if...

- we were a gang of superheroes?
- Well, you'd fight crime, like...

muggers, and rapists,
and things like that.

Sounds quite... dangerous.

She's right. Forget the rapists.

We could focus on people
who drop chewing gum.

D'you know what? This is bullshit!

Don't need to be in any fucking gang.
I can take care of myself.

Helen? Don't... Oh...

Jess?

Can you help me?
I've taken a pill and now I'm blind.

And I need a piss.

Where's your boyfriend?

I don't know.
He's just fucked off and left me.

Trouble in Paradise?

I didn't mean for you
to find out like that. I am sorry.

Just help me.

This one of those future jumpers?

You're having a baby?

- What baby?
- Great!

So, first you're going out with him,
now you're starting a family?!

Seriously, whose fucking idea
was this party any?

- Where are you going?
- To find Rudy.

(SHOUTS) I'm going to fucking kill him!

(# ZINC: Only for Tonight)

# But only for tonight... #

Mate,
we have got a fucking major problem -

it's this jumper thing.
Jess, she's having a baby.

- We're gonna be a dad.
- No, not right now.

I'm looking for Helen.

Fuck Helen, man. I need you, bruv.

You just can't stand it, can you,
because I'm happy?

MARK: Agh!

(GROANS)

It's just a jumper. Forget about it.

It wasn't just a jumper,
to me, though, it was mine.

My thing, and my friends
and my gang, just for once.

Honestly, for once
I just wanted to be a part of something

that wasn't all about 'im.

I'm not with you because it says so
on some fucking jumper.

I'm with you because I like you.

So...

you ready for your birthday present?

Yeah.

I am going to fuck you
until you beg me to stop.

# We're about to get rowdy

# Things are about to get rough
We're about to get rowdy

# Break your neck when you party like us

# Party like us, party like us
Party like us

# Party like us
Party like us Party like us

# Break your neck
when you party like us... #

(BAND CONSTANTLY SNAPPING)

(DANCE MUSIC RECEDES)

(BACKGROUND CHAT AND MUSIC
DOMINATED BY MENACING MUSIC)

I never could trust you, Roxy.

What the fuck are you doing? Get out!

Tim?

You think you can just ride away
into the sunset.

You broke my heart, Roxy.

Tim, it's me. It's Rudy 2.

I know who you are.

You're Conti.

- You stole my woman.
- No, I... No, I didn't.

Tim, this isn't real.

It's the game world.
You just snap your band.

Tim, where's your band, mate?
You can't not have your band with you.

You could... No, no, no, no, Tim!

Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't shoot you both down.

Please, don't...

(SQUELCH)

(GROANING)

Urgh!

Is he dead?

He's dead.

I've thought about you lots.

I can't believe you're really here.

It feels strange.

It... It feels...

great.

What about when the pill wears off?

We'll sort something out.

I get... I get so lonely
when you're out on the estate.

I'm just in my shell waiting for you.

We'll buy a big bag of pills.
I'll get Alex to shag you.

I won't let you go back in there.

(# SKREAM: Diam)

ls there somewhere we can go?

What the fuck was that?

I thought I'd already taken your power.
Have you got two powers?

I feel a bit... I feel a bit weird.

- Can you get me a glass of water?
- Yeah.

Yeah, sure, yeah.

Just wait here a minute.

They've run out of spring rolls,
in case you're wondering.

I wasn't wondering, actually.

Fucking hell,
don't take your pill neither, dude.

Dude, it reverses your power.

Don't take it.

What do you mean, it reverses them?
It reverses them like what?

And I shagged all of my powers into her.

What do you mean, all your powers?

I mean all of them.
I mean the power to cause accidents,

turning things inside out,
the hypnotic tits, the devil thing.

Guys! Guys, have you seen Jess?
I can't find her.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have left her.

Mate, not now, Finlay, for fuck's sake,
man. We're gonna have to split up.

Come on.

Rudy?

(DEMONIC VOICE) Ecce satanas meo,
sicut ego et ipse regnabit Dominus...

Hello, Alex!

Ah, whatever you do,
do not look at her tits.

Guys.

You're kidding me, aren't you?!
For fuck's sake, guys!

Look at you.

Men.

You're all so pathetic.

And now...

...you're mine.
- Yeah...

I'm gonna make every guy on the estate
kneel before me.

Ecce satanas meo, sicut ego et ipse...

JESS: Help me.

Please? Please, help me.

(WHISPERS) Jess!

- Alex?
- Jess, it's me.

Go. Go and get him!

(MUSIC FROM "EVIL DEAD"
DOMINATES PARTY MUSIC)

(PARTY MUSIC DOMINATES)

So, this is what you're doing
while I'm in your locker eating lettuce.

More or less.

No, let's check the, er...

Don't listen to her Latin,
don't look at her tits.

Your devil tits don't work on me.
I'm a girl.

Guess I'm just gonna have to turn
your boyfriend inside out, then.

- (CRACKING)
- (GROANS)

(PAINED GROANING)

Now I've got your full attention...

Ecce satanas meo, sicut ego et ipse
regnabit Dominus...

So this has been a pretty weird date.

Not that it's a date.

(DOOR OPENING)

Leave him. He's mine.

What's the matter, Alex?

Don't you trust yourself?

What's going to happen if you...

have a little look?

It's just a pair of tits.

And you're one of the good guys, remember?

You're not some weak, pathetic animal

who's ruled by his urges.

There was a girl I used to know.

Emma.

She was like you.

She was a good person
who just got the wrong power.

She was accident prone.

Wasn't her fault. It was just bad things
used to happen to her.

I'm so sorry, Sarah.

You didn't deserve any of this.

Oh... I get it.

I'm supposed to slip on the banana skin.

Any other bright ideas(?)

Agh!

(THUD)

Where the fuck have you been?

So is that what's gonna happen
if we do have a baby?

You're just going to disappear
and leave me to fend for myself?

Fuckin' hell. I don't know.

- You don't know?
- No!

That's great(!) That is very reassuring(!)

Honestly. If you want someone
who's going to be a good dad

and look after this fucking baby
then you've got the wrong Rudy

cos I'm the shit one.
Or don't you remember that?

What are you saying?

I'm saying it's too fucking much, man.
I can't... I just can't handle it.

I'm sorry.

FUCK you!

Fucking coward.

What the fuck have we done?

Look... Look, Tim was out of control...

...and we have done the right thing.

It's the jumper and it has started
and still none of you believe me.

Well, this is... This is our destiny.

Come on.

Why not?

We're getting a better name.

We're gonna be unstoppable.

RUDY 2: It's your superhero lair.

They are your costumes.

Your secret identity.

Let's do some good.

Are you going to pick that up?

Agh!

Today is the last day
of your community service.

This is as good as it gets for you.

Oh, my God!
That is... That's a man flying.

(GROANS)

I loved you.

I'm sorry.

I've made a terrible error of judgment.

They tried to kill me.

Well, they chose the wrong day
to do that, Finlay.

They're coming.

I suppose you'd better kill them.