Misfits (2009–2013): Season 5, Episode 8 - Episode #5.8 - full transcript
The gang discover that their community service is over and begin to contemplate life after the orange jumpsuits.
RUDY 2; Flying,
electricity.
And that is camouflage.
You are superheroes, guys. You are.
The Jumper Posse?
- This is our destiny.
- We're getting a better name.
There's nothing I can do to help anyone,
but you can make a difference.
ABBY: You're the only one out of us
who can actually change people's lives.
What's going to happen
if we do have the baby?
You're just going to disappear
and leave me to fend for myself?
If you want someone who's gonna be
a good dad
and look after this fucking baby,
then you've got the wrong Rudy, cos I'm
the shit one, or don't you remember that?
FUCK you!
Fucking coward.
GREG: Do you know...
...what today is?
Tuesday?
Today...
...is the last day
of your community service.
It's all over.
Seriously?
Are... Are you kidding?
And you had a chance
to do something positive,
to give something back,
to help people,
to really make a difference
to their lives.
You failed.
Dismally.
(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)
GREG: Do you want to know
what the real tragedy is?
This moment...
...right here...
right now...
...this is as good as it gets for you.
(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)
# The city breathing, the people churning
The conversating
# The price is what?
# The conversating, this place is heaven
# And if you see them
# They say... #
Hello?
What have you done to this place?
RUDY 2: It's a superhero lair.
Guys.
It's your superhero lair.
They're your costumes.
You're gonna be on community service.
It... It's your secret identity.
Do we actually have to go round
picking up litter and shit?
No, you don't have to go round picking...
You just pretend
you're picking up litter and excrement.
No-one's gonna suspect you're superheroes.
They're just gonna think you're...
a bunch of useless ASBO delinquents.
Let's do some good.
What are you looking at?
You shouldn't break into
other people's cars.
What's that?
You shouldn't... break into cars.
Jog on, or I will fuck you up!
For fuck's sake.
(HE YELLS)
What are you doing? You've killed him!
That's really bad.
He's fine. I just stunned him.
What do we do with him?
What would other superheroes do?
The Hulk'd do this.
Rarrhh!
Aaah!
Police?
I want to report a crime.
I really liked your Hulk impression.
- I like the idea of being a nurse...
- (# THE DRUMS: Let's Go Surfing)
...or a shepherd.
What qualifications do you need
to be a shepherd?
You need a crook, a well-trained
Border collie
- and a profound love of sheep, love.
- I'll tell you where
I'm not gonna be in a year's time,
and that is...
- (THUMPS BAR TOP)
...working behind a bar.
I, for one, will be enjoying my life
as a multimillionaire!
Scratchcard?!
That's genius.
Why didn't I think of that(?)
Well, not everyone's as blessed
in the brains and trouser department
as I am, are they?
(CLEARS THROAT) If you play enough
of 'em, odds are you're in for a big win,
- and that's just basic science.
- Mm.
- One more melon, that's me.
You fucking... apple!
- Oh...
- For fuck's sake!
- Oh.
- A shame.
Piss off.
What?
- You all right?
- Yeah, man, never better.
Never better.
What? Do I detect an overwhelming
sense of sexual disappointment?
Prick.
Why can't you just be happy for me?
Oh, man, it was a joke.
For fuck's... God. For fuck's sake.
Are you all right?
#... When I was so very hopeless
# Darling
# He's going to make it all better... #
Jess. Jess, please.
Just give me... give me a minute.
How much longer are you going to
punish me for... I fucking panicked.
All I could see before me
was impending fatherhood,
followed by middle age and then death.
I needed you,
and you weren't there for me.
I know I wasn't there for you.
I know, but I am here now.
It's who you are.
(LAUGHS)
I was stupid to think this could work.
I can't do this.
Jess. For fuck's sake.
You go first.
(SIGHS) Do you know what?
Errn... I wasn't actually
going to put anything on.
I was just using it as an excuse
to get away from someone. Ha-ha!
Can I buy you a drink?
Yeah... actually, sure.
(CLOCK TICKS)
(SHE GRUNTS)
I should go.
When can I see you again?
Things are really complicated for me
right now.
I like you. You like me.
Just give me a chance.
Get to know me. I'm a cool guy.
You just have to spend some time with me.
We had a nice time.
Let's just leave it at that, yeah?
We can make this work.
We have a future together.
Mm, we don't have a future.
You don't decide.
I do.
(SHE GASPS)
Get off.
Get your fucking hand off me!
I'll show you.
- (BELL STRIKES)
- (CLOCK TICKS)
I should go.
Go where?
Home.
This is your home.
(BABY BURBLES)
- (BABY BURBLING)
- What is that?
- It's our son.
- (BABY COUGHS)
(BABY GRIZZLES)
He wants you.
He needs... feeding.
Is this supposed to be funny(?)
Look at him.
(BABY WHINES)
(BABY BURBLES)
He's got your eyes.
What did you do?
I threw us forward through time.
We had a baby.
We're parents.
No, I haven't got a fucking baby.
- Do you want to hold him?
- (BABY SNUFFLES)
He's... He's not mine.
- (BABY WHINGEING)
- I know it's confusing...
...but you have a new life now
and me and Leo are a big part of it.
He needs you.
He needs his mum.
He's so beautiful.
Take me back.
I want you to take me back in time.
You fix this.
You take me back.
This is your life now.
You accept that,
or I'll throw us back through time.
I'll keep doing it until I get it right.
You won't remember a thing.
We can do this again and again and again.
I'm not giving up you and our baby.
I will never fall in love with you,
you creepy fucking prick!
Give it time.
I can give us all the time we need.
You're not like the other girls.
You've done this before.
Spend the day with him.
He is going to break your heart.
I have to get ready for work.
You can't do this.
(YELLS) You can't leave me with him!
He's not my fucking baby!
(BABY BURBLES)
(BABY BURBLES)
ANSWERPHONE: Sorry. The number you
have called is currently unavailable.
- Please try again later.
- What the fuck?
(SHE SIGHS)
Finn?
Oh, thank God!
Finn!
Where's Finn?
I think he's in the office.
Finn?
- (BANG)
- Shit. Yes? Jess?
Oh, my God. Where have you been? What
happened to you? You... You disappeared.
Er... Er, there's this guy called Luke.
He used this power and he says
he threw me through time. I...
- (BABY BURBLING)
- on.
What?
Is that yours?
JESS: He says it's mine.
This is fucked up.
You just vanished.
We searched everywhere. We...
We thought you were dead.
None of us has seen you in over a year.
Why are you wearing an ID badge?
And why are you...
dressed like a dick?
I'm a trainee probation worker.
This is the required look.
You're a trainee probation worker?!
Yes.
(WEAK LAUGH)
You're shitting me, aren't you?
It's amazing to think
that came out of Jess's twat.
You are an industrial tribunal just
waiting to happen. It's called a vagina.
(BABY BURBLES)
You're not going to bloody believe this.
- There's no golf sale.
- How do you mean?
Well, I've been standing out there
for two weeks holding this poxy sign.
I go to collect my wages.
There's no golf sale.
I think I've been the victim
of a cruel practical joke.
(ABBY SIGHS)
Oh, cute baby.
Yeah, about the baby...
Do you know what I was doing...
...when you so...
...rudely interrupted me?
I'm guessing it wasn't showering.
I was 19% hours into
a Murder, She Wrote marathon.
Jess is back.
- ABBY: Where is she?
- She's in the shitter.
She said something about some bloke
who's thrown her forward through time.
Are you OK?
(SOBS) Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
(SNIFFS)
(RUDY CLEARS THROAT)
So, the worm's returned...
...with her fuckin' bushy tail
between her legs.
It's too late, guys.
It's too late,
because I had forgot
about her very existence.
(SOBS) She's back.
My Jessica's back.
Oh, wow,
I need to sit down.
(HE CRIES)
(HE WHINES)
- Is he having a mental breakdown?
- (RUDY SOBS)
- JESS: Rudy?
- (SNIFFS)
(HOARSE) Hello, Jess.
(SOBS)
(RUDY SIGHS-ls)
Oh.
You look like shit.
It's been a bit of a rough year.
Me vigorous grooming and personal
hygiene regime might have...
...slipped just a bit.
Did... Did Finn tell you about...
about the baby?
(SOBS) Is that...
Is he mine?
I don't know. I don't... I don't think so.
- I think it's Luke's.
- Who the fuck is Luke?
Are you gonna pick that up?
You pick it up. ln't that
what you're supposed to be doing?
(YELLING)
(SCREAMING)
- How high is that?
- It's high.
- (HE SCREAMS)
- (SPLAT)
Ugh...
What are you doing?!
You drop him right there?
You've splattered us.
I've told you before.
Yeah, well...
it's one less wanker to deal with.
(DOOR SLAMS)
RUDY 2: How's it going? See any action?
Nothing much.
We caught some guy dropping litter.
What did you do to him?
We let him off with a very stern warning.
Hmm. He won't be doing that again.
What are you up to?
I'm just... I'm going through the papers.
Huh.
- Are you staying at mine tonight?
- Yeah.
- Ooh.
- Are you all right?
What?
I've had an 'aircut.
'Ere. Crisps are for you.
Milk's for 'im.
And this scratchcards for me.
Game on. Let's do this.
Oh, you fuck...
How's Rudy 2?
We just... We don't see
much of each other any more.
Birthdays.
Religious holidays - Easter...
Christmas...
Ramadan.
Hah...
I never stopped, you know.
I never stopped looking for you.
I always sort of hoped and prayed you'd
just come sashaying through the door...
...just give me one of them killer smiles,
and I could just tell you how sorry I was.
Look“.
...I'm not going to pretend
that I wasn't angry with you.
But Ms... Ms...
...whole thing is so messed up.
I don't even feel like it's my baby.
I don't feel...
anything-
Mm-hm.
He's got your eyes.
A beautiful chestnut brown.
You all right, little man?
How you diddling?
(CHUCKLES AND SNIFFS)
Christ, look at his tiny little 'ands.
Strong enough to crush
a grown man's heart, they are.
He'd squeeze the life right out of him.
So, what happens now?
I have no fucking idea what happens now.
- Those three, they...
- Mm.
(SIGHS)
Speak.
Head office called.
There's no record of them being
sentenced to community service.
They... shouldn't be here.
Well, there's a perfectly reasonable way
to handle this.
Which is?
Why are you here?
Why?
Why? Why? Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why? I
A probation worker
must learn to wear many masks.
Best friend.
(WHISPERS) Father figure.
Tearful clown.
What's up, dawg?
(SUCKS LIPS)
Help me out with something.
There's no record of you ever being
sentenced to community service.
So, I was kind of wondering,
you know, why you're here.
You know, I'm sure there's
other things you could be doing,
pretty girl like yourself.
You killed the trainee probation worker!
I only stunned him.
He's on to us.
SAM: What do we do with him?
We'll have to bury him under the flyover.
We've buried so many people.
There's no room left under the flyover.
What's that?
There's no room.
We'll have to start double-banking 'em.
Oh, shit. Shovels.
(DOOR SHUTTING)
(ENGINE TURNING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(TYRES SQUEALING)
(THUD)
I know what you've been doing.
You've been killing people.
Kinda.
Only people that deserve it.
- Only wankers!
- You don't get to decide, Sam.
This is not how it's supposed to be.
- You're meant to be superheroes.
- You're telling me
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
never killed some ignorant fucker
for dropping litter
or shitting in the street?
No, they didn't.
Leonardo, Michelangelo,
Donatello and Raphael
would never have done any of them things.
- They lived by a code!
- OK.
Bad example. But, look, you just get so
sick of dealing with the same scumbags.
The courts don't do anything.
A fine? Community service? It's a joke.
We came up with
a more permanent solution.
Murdering 'em?
If you say it like that, it sounds bad.
We'd really like you to be OK with this.
I'm not OK with it!
I'm not OK!
(SHOUTS) I'm very far from being OK!
I'm actually very bloody angry!
(# THE CHORDETTES:
Born To Be With You)
(SIGHS) Do you know what?
What are you doing?
Well, he wanted to suckle on something
and you weren't 'ere.
I know they're not as beautiful as yours,
like, but any nipple in a storm. Eh, mate?
(RUDY CHUCKLES)
Do you want him?
It's not sucking on my tit.
Put it in the pram.
- All right.
- (BABY WHINGES)
Come on. One sec. Here we go,
here we go, here we go, here we go.
(BABY SNORTING)
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof,
woof, woof, woof, woof!
Is that milk?
Oh, my God!
I'm lactating.
Love's stronger than biology, guys.
(PHONE VIBRATING)
(TUTS)
Hi, it's... it's me.
Listen, I... I've made
a terrible error of judgment.
RUDY 2: You were right about Helen.
What? She's not an electrician, is she?
She don't know her... I knew it.
It's just one big lie.
No. I've... I've started something.
I... I thought I was doing something good
but Helen and the others,
they're killing people.
They almost got Finn.
I've got to stop 'em.
No, no, no, no.
Where are you? Where...
Where are you now?
Listen, I just... I want you to know...
...I'm sorry, and I should...
I should never have left you.
We belong together. I'm...
Where are you? Tell me where you are.
I can come and get you then, can't I?
Where are you?
I love you, man.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
What's going on, Rudy?
It's Rudy 2. He says his electrician
girlfriend's frigging killing people,
for Christ's sake!
You're not going to believe this.
Those community service pricks,
fucking little fuckers.
They tried to kill me!
Well, they chose
the wrong day to do that, Finlay...
...cos I'm feeling very hormonal.
(# THE WHITE STRIPES: Blue Orchid)
# You got a reaction
# You got a reaction, didn't you... #
They're coming.
I suppose you'd better kill 'em.
#... You took a wild orchid,
turned it blue... #
OK, as I see it,
we're getting into a fight with people
with much better superpowers than us.
- Define better.
- Flying.
He's got a point.
That is actually very impressive.
Oh, my God! That is...
That's a man flying.
That's like roller-skating cats. I never
thought I'd see that, not in my lifetime.
What's the plan?
Do we... Do we have a plan?
Running's a plan!
There's no shame in running!
(GROANS)
You prick!
All right, all right,
so what I'm thinking
you need to do,
you need to mount him in mid-flight,
you need to rip his jumpsuit off,
and just fuck his power out of him.
Oh, is... is that it(?)
So, I don't need to cook him
a nice dinner first or anything like that?
Bloody hell!
If you think you can't do it...
Errn... I didn't say that. I could do it.
Errn... I don't think you could.
Seriously, what a shit idea!
(CLUCKS)
It's amazing
what you can goad people into.
Vanity and pride have been
the undoing of many a great man, Finlay.
Roy Castle, God rest his soul.
He died of cancer, Rudy.
I thought he tap-danced himself to death.
(ALEX GRUNTS)
Get off me. Get off.
(GUFFAWS)
- Oh, my God. He's actually doing it.
- Go on! You can do it!
- I never doubted you, man!
- Go on, you handsome barman!
- Shall I?
- No!
I'm the fucking superhero!
Oh-oh-oh...
- SAM AND ALEX: Shit!
- He didn't think this through.
Flap your arms! Flap!
(YELLING)
(GROANS)
(RUSTLING)
Handsome barman?
(THEY CHUCKLE)
Oh, dude!
Told you I could do it.
You betrayed me.
I never meant you to find out.
Look, I can explain.
I loved you.
With all me heart.
I'm sorry.
Will you wait here?
I want to help.
I know you want to help,
but you've got to look after him.
Listen, I know he's not mine.
But I will love him like he was my own
if that's what you want.
D-Don't... Don't answer it now. Just...
...think about it, yeah?
Rudy.
Be careful.
Of course I'll be careful.
Careful's my middle name.
Rudy Careful Geoffrey Wade.
(BABY CRYING)
Oh, come on.
It's all right.
- (CRIES)
- JESS: All right.
Come on. Oh.
(BABY WHINGEING)
You worried about Rudy? Hm?
Me too.
It's OK.
- (BABY WHINGES)
- He'll be all right.
Don't do that to me.
- (BABY BURBLES)
- What are you doing to me?
Sh, sh.
- (WHISPERS) I heard something.
- What?
Sh!
(DOOR SLAMMING)
(WHISPERS) Follow me.
(GASPS)
Oh...
(SIGHS)
You won't have realised this about me...
...but I'm gay.
(SIGHS) I am...
a beautiful
and proud...
gay probation worker.
So am I.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(GREG SIGHS)
(GASPS AND GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(SNIFFS)
(PANTS)
(GRUNTS)
(DOOR OPENING)
Yeah, but what if
she's camouflaged herself as a pigeon?
You can't camouflage yourself as a pigeon.
Dimensions are all wrong.
A horse. A donkey.
An alpaca, maybe.
A pigeon, no.
Ow! She stabbed me!
She's fucking stabbed me!
You bitch!
Killer! Bitch! You're swinging.
Fuck!
Fuck! Stop!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fucking slag!
Oh, God. Oh...
Wasn't her.
(SHE SCREAMS)
- (SHE GROANS)
- (HE GASPS)
- That's not good.
- What...
That's not good.
(METALLIC CLANG)
We're going to find you
and we're going to fucking kill you!
' Gargh!
" No!
- You killed Sam.
- What's that?
You killed Sam! (SHE SCREAMS)
Whoa, ho-ho-ho-ho! Whoa, dude!
Oh, did you see that?
That's a G-flat, because she's flat
and her fucking name begins with G.
- Her name's Karen.
- Is it?
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Oh, look, don't, please?
You don't have to be a part of this.
But I am a part of this.
I'm a part of him.
Oh, mate.
But you... Please, just walk away.
Fuck these losers.
They've got it coming.
I'm sorry, but if you're going to kill him
you're going to have to kill me as well.
You're choosing him over me?
Yeah, I am.
He treated you like shit.
Don't I mean anything to you?
You mean the world to me.
You know you do!
You... You... You betrayed me.
I did not betray you.
L-I know
I haven't always appreciated you.
But the truth is, I feel...
I feel hollow,
like an empty can of Tizer.
You complete me. Huh.
(CHUCKLES)
That's Jerry Maguire.
Yeah.
I miss you, dude.
Come 'ere.
Together, we are twice as strong,
we're twice as intelligent
and we're twice as frigging handsome,
and there is fucking nothing
you can do to us.
I can kill you.
Well...
...that's just the problem, though,
isn't it, with you electricians?
You just think you can play God,
don't you?
Well, no, sir.
I've got news for you, pal.
People are more complicated than plugs!
Look at yourself. You just think
everyone's a toaster, don't you?
You're a fucking idiot.
Well, just give it your fucking best shot,
cos I've got rubber soles!
(HE SCREAMS)
(SHE SCREAMS)
Rudy?
- Oh!
- Come on.
I deliberately pissed myself.
You've just been killed
by my weak, infantile bladder. Ha-ha-ha!
Han!
Hold in there. We can fix this.
How do we fix it?
Rudy?
Rudy? Oh...
Oh, look at you.
You're so beautiful.
No, no, you...
you can't do this. I need you!
I've got something for you.
(RUDY CHUCKLES)
I'll just get...
I need a coin.
Yeah.
Here, mate.
Thanks, man.
Three melons!
Oh, God, I've done it.
ALEX: You've done it.
I've beaten the odds.
Here, give me your hand.
There is a quid on there.
Make sure you look after that baby.
Rudy?
No, no. No, no, no, no.
I think I'm going to be all right.
Rudy?
FINN: Rudy?
(BABY BURBLES)
I should have told him.
I should have told him that I loved him.
Why didn't I tell him?
He knew.
- He knew.
- (BABY CRIES)
Oh, come on. Sh, sh, sh.
What are you going to do?
- I'm going home.
- (BABY BURBLES)
Come on.
There you go.
I'm doing this for you.
Hi.
It's me.
(DOOR OPENS)
Jess?
Jess?
Jess?
Jess!
No!
No, no. No, no, no. Jess?
No, no. You can't do this.
I won't let you.
You're mine.
- (RUDY CHUCKLES)
- Scratchcard.
That's genius. Why didn't I think of that?
Well, not everyone's as blessed in
the brains and trouser department as I am,
are they?
(PHONE RINGS)
Hi, it's me.
Listen carefully, because there's
some things that you need to know.
I know this sounds weird, but...
...you're gonna have a baby.
Oh, he's beautiful.
Listen. You're gonna meet this guy.
His name's Luke.
Can I buy you a drink?
You have to have sex with him
or the baby will never exist.
We'll always be together.
But Luke is a psycho.
(GASPS)
After you have sex with him, you have
to kill him or he will never let you go.
Rudy loves you and your baby.
So, stop being such a stubborn bitch
and forgive him.
Don't fuck it up.
What's going on?
Do you know, I honestly thought...
I thought I could do something...
...achieve something on me own.
Honestly, what an idiot.
Hey, what... what are you talking about?
Jess has just come back from the future.
(SCOFFS)
And she said this whole superhero thing,
it just...
it gets completely out of control.
I mean, you... You end up
killing people, lots of 'em.
And then we all die...
...horribly.
This is what happens when you base your
future around a jumper, for God's sake!
Frigging knitwear!
Hey.
Maybe...
...we should go traveling together
instead.
Me and you.
Really?
I'd like that.
(# SPINTO BAND: Oh Mandy)
Here's to the future.
Oh, about the future. I've just been.
Am I a shepherd?
Erm... you are...
holding a golf sale sign
for a golf sale that doesn't exist.
You're still working behind the bar.
And you...
...are a trainee probation worker.
Fuck off.
Jess, honest? Shame on you, Finlay!
Deep humiliating shame.
I'm a multimillionaire, aren't I?
- You...
- No, no, no.
Don't tell me, don't tell me.
I want it to be a surprise.
Wink twice for yes.
You win a quid, piss yourself
and then you get electrocuted.
Colour me disappointed.
I'm just saying,
unless we want to spend the rest of our
lives as these underachieving fuck-ups,
then maybe we should think about
actually doing something with our powers.
What, you mean like open up
a fast-food restaurant?
No. I mean like becoming proper
superheroes, good ones, that do good shit.
Superheroes.
- I'm up for that.
- I might have to make
a few modifications, just on me costume.
It's just on account of me...
I've got irritable bowel syndrome.
And shitting in Lycra
is how I got banned from the gym.
No of fence, but you lot...
...superheroes?!
Fuck it.
All right, yeah, let's do it.
This could be the start of something huge.
I feel it in me nutsack.
electricity.
And that is camouflage.
You are superheroes, guys. You are.
The Jumper Posse?
- This is our destiny.
- We're getting a better name.
There's nothing I can do to help anyone,
but you can make a difference.
ABBY: You're the only one out of us
who can actually change people's lives.
What's going to happen
if we do have the baby?
You're just going to disappear
and leave me to fend for myself?
If you want someone who's gonna be
a good dad
and look after this fucking baby,
then you've got the wrong Rudy, cos I'm
the shit one, or don't you remember that?
FUCK you!
Fucking coward.
GREG: Do you know...
...what today is?
Tuesday?
Today...
...is the last day
of your community service.
It's all over.
Seriously?
Are... Are you kidding?
And you had a chance
to do something positive,
to give something back,
to help people,
to really make a difference
to their lives.
You failed.
Dismally.
(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)
GREG: Do you want to know
what the real tragedy is?
This moment...
...right here...
right now...
...this is as good as it gets for you.
(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)
# The city breathing, the people churning
The conversating
# The price is what?
# The conversating, this place is heaven
# And if you see them
# They say... #
Hello?
What have you done to this place?
RUDY 2: It's a superhero lair.
Guys.
It's your superhero lair.
They're your costumes.
You're gonna be on community service.
It... It's your secret identity.
Do we actually have to go round
picking up litter and shit?
No, you don't have to go round picking...
You just pretend
you're picking up litter and excrement.
No-one's gonna suspect you're superheroes.
They're just gonna think you're...
a bunch of useless ASBO delinquents.
Let's do some good.
What are you looking at?
You shouldn't break into
other people's cars.
What's that?
You shouldn't... break into cars.
Jog on, or I will fuck you up!
For fuck's sake.
(HE YELLS)
What are you doing? You've killed him!
That's really bad.
He's fine. I just stunned him.
What do we do with him?
What would other superheroes do?
The Hulk'd do this.
Rarrhh!
Aaah!
Police?
I want to report a crime.
I really liked your Hulk impression.
- I like the idea of being a nurse...
- (# THE DRUMS: Let's Go Surfing)
...or a shepherd.
What qualifications do you need
to be a shepherd?
You need a crook, a well-trained
Border collie
- and a profound love of sheep, love.
- I'll tell you where
I'm not gonna be in a year's time,
and that is...
- (THUMPS BAR TOP)
...working behind a bar.
I, for one, will be enjoying my life
as a multimillionaire!
Scratchcard?!
That's genius.
Why didn't I think of that(?)
Well, not everyone's as blessed
in the brains and trouser department
as I am, are they?
(CLEARS THROAT) If you play enough
of 'em, odds are you're in for a big win,
- and that's just basic science.
- Mm.
- One more melon, that's me.
You fucking... apple!
- Oh...
- For fuck's sake!
- Oh.
- A shame.
Piss off.
What?
- You all right?
- Yeah, man, never better.
Never better.
What? Do I detect an overwhelming
sense of sexual disappointment?
Prick.
Why can't you just be happy for me?
Oh, man, it was a joke.
For fuck's... God. For fuck's sake.
Are you all right?
#... When I was so very hopeless
# Darling
# He's going to make it all better... #
Jess. Jess, please.
Just give me... give me a minute.
How much longer are you going to
punish me for... I fucking panicked.
All I could see before me
was impending fatherhood,
followed by middle age and then death.
I needed you,
and you weren't there for me.
I know I wasn't there for you.
I know, but I am here now.
It's who you are.
(LAUGHS)
I was stupid to think this could work.
I can't do this.
Jess. For fuck's sake.
You go first.
(SIGHS) Do you know what?
Errn... I wasn't actually
going to put anything on.
I was just using it as an excuse
to get away from someone. Ha-ha!
Can I buy you a drink?
Yeah... actually, sure.
(CLOCK TICKS)
(SHE GRUNTS)
I should go.
When can I see you again?
Things are really complicated for me
right now.
I like you. You like me.
Just give me a chance.
Get to know me. I'm a cool guy.
You just have to spend some time with me.
We had a nice time.
Let's just leave it at that, yeah?
We can make this work.
We have a future together.
Mm, we don't have a future.
You don't decide.
I do.
(SHE GASPS)
Get off.
Get your fucking hand off me!
I'll show you.
- (BELL STRIKES)
- (CLOCK TICKS)
I should go.
Go where?
Home.
This is your home.
(BABY BURBLES)
- (BABY BURBLING)
- What is that?
- It's our son.
- (BABY COUGHS)
(BABY GRIZZLES)
He wants you.
He needs... feeding.
Is this supposed to be funny(?)
Look at him.
(BABY WHINES)
(BABY BURBLES)
He's got your eyes.
What did you do?
I threw us forward through time.
We had a baby.
We're parents.
No, I haven't got a fucking baby.
- Do you want to hold him?
- (BABY SNUFFLES)
He's... He's not mine.
- (BABY WHINGEING)
- I know it's confusing...
...but you have a new life now
and me and Leo are a big part of it.
He needs you.
He needs his mum.
He's so beautiful.
Take me back.
I want you to take me back in time.
You fix this.
You take me back.
This is your life now.
You accept that,
or I'll throw us back through time.
I'll keep doing it until I get it right.
You won't remember a thing.
We can do this again and again and again.
I'm not giving up you and our baby.
I will never fall in love with you,
you creepy fucking prick!
Give it time.
I can give us all the time we need.
You're not like the other girls.
You've done this before.
Spend the day with him.
He is going to break your heart.
I have to get ready for work.
You can't do this.
(YELLS) You can't leave me with him!
He's not my fucking baby!
(BABY BURBLES)
(BABY BURBLES)
ANSWERPHONE: Sorry. The number you
have called is currently unavailable.
- Please try again later.
- What the fuck?
(SHE SIGHS)
Finn?
Oh, thank God!
Finn!
Where's Finn?
I think he's in the office.
Finn?
- (BANG)
- Shit. Yes? Jess?
Oh, my God. Where have you been? What
happened to you? You... You disappeared.
Er... Er, there's this guy called Luke.
He used this power and he says
he threw me through time. I...
- (BABY BURBLING)
- on.
What?
Is that yours?
JESS: He says it's mine.
This is fucked up.
You just vanished.
We searched everywhere. We...
We thought you were dead.
None of us has seen you in over a year.
Why are you wearing an ID badge?
And why are you...
dressed like a dick?
I'm a trainee probation worker.
This is the required look.
You're a trainee probation worker?!
Yes.
(WEAK LAUGH)
You're shitting me, aren't you?
It's amazing to think
that came out of Jess's twat.
You are an industrial tribunal just
waiting to happen. It's called a vagina.
(BABY BURBLES)
You're not going to bloody believe this.
- There's no golf sale.
- How do you mean?
Well, I've been standing out there
for two weeks holding this poxy sign.
I go to collect my wages.
There's no golf sale.
I think I've been the victim
of a cruel practical joke.
(ABBY SIGHS)
Oh, cute baby.
Yeah, about the baby...
Do you know what I was doing...
...when you so...
...rudely interrupted me?
I'm guessing it wasn't showering.
I was 19% hours into
a Murder, She Wrote marathon.
Jess is back.
- ABBY: Where is she?
- She's in the shitter.
She said something about some bloke
who's thrown her forward through time.
Are you OK?
(SOBS) Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
(SNIFFS)
(RUDY CLEARS THROAT)
So, the worm's returned...
...with her fuckin' bushy tail
between her legs.
It's too late, guys.
It's too late,
because I had forgot
about her very existence.
(SOBS) She's back.
My Jessica's back.
Oh, wow,
I need to sit down.
(HE CRIES)
(HE WHINES)
- Is he having a mental breakdown?
- (RUDY SOBS)
- JESS: Rudy?
- (SNIFFS)
(HOARSE) Hello, Jess.
(SOBS)
(RUDY SIGHS-ls)
Oh.
You look like shit.
It's been a bit of a rough year.
Me vigorous grooming and personal
hygiene regime might have...
...slipped just a bit.
Did... Did Finn tell you about...
about the baby?
(SOBS) Is that...
Is he mine?
I don't know. I don't... I don't think so.
- I think it's Luke's.
- Who the fuck is Luke?
Are you gonna pick that up?
You pick it up. ln't that
what you're supposed to be doing?
(YELLING)
(SCREAMING)
- How high is that?
- It's high.
- (HE SCREAMS)
- (SPLAT)
Ugh...
What are you doing?!
You drop him right there?
You've splattered us.
I've told you before.
Yeah, well...
it's one less wanker to deal with.
(DOOR SLAMS)
RUDY 2: How's it going? See any action?
Nothing much.
We caught some guy dropping litter.
What did you do to him?
We let him off with a very stern warning.
Hmm. He won't be doing that again.
What are you up to?
I'm just... I'm going through the papers.
Huh.
- Are you staying at mine tonight?
- Yeah.
- Ooh.
- Are you all right?
What?
I've had an 'aircut.
'Ere. Crisps are for you.
Milk's for 'im.
And this scratchcards for me.
Game on. Let's do this.
Oh, you fuck...
How's Rudy 2?
We just... We don't see
much of each other any more.
Birthdays.
Religious holidays - Easter...
Christmas...
Ramadan.
Hah...
I never stopped, you know.
I never stopped looking for you.
I always sort of hoped and prayed you'd
just come sashaying through the door...
...just give me one of them killer smiles,
and I could just tell you how sorry I was.
Look“.
...I'm not going to pretend
that I wasn't angry with you.
But Ms... Ms...
...whole thing is so messed up.
I don't even feel like it's my baby.
I don't feel...
anything-
Mm-hm.
He's got your eyes.
A beautiful chestnut brown.
You all right, little man?
How you diddling?
(CHUCKLES AND SNIFFS)
Christ, look at his tiny little 'ands.
Strong enough to crush
a grown man's heart, they are.
He'd squeeze the life right out of him.
So, what happens now?
I have no fucking idea what happens now.
- Those three, they...
- Mm.
(SIGHS)
Speak.
Head office called.
There's no record of them being
sentenced to community service.
They... shouldn't be here.
Well, there's a perfectly reasonable way
to handle this.
Which is?
Why are you here?
Why?
Why? Why? Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why? I
A probation worker
must learn to wear many masks.
Best friend.
(WHISPERS) Father figure.
Tearful clown.
What's up, dawg?
(SUCKS LIPS)
Help me out with something.
There's no record of you ever being
sentenced to community service.
So, I was kind of wondering,
you know, why you're here.
You know, I'm sure there's
other things you could be doing,
pretty girl like yourself.
You killed the trainee probation worker!
I only stunned him.
He's on to us.
SAM: What do we do with him?
We'll have to bury him under the flyover.
We've buried so many people.
There's no room left under the flyover.
What's that?
There's no room.
We'll have to start double-banking 'em.
Oh, shit. Shovels.
(DOOR SHUTTING)
(ENGINE TURNING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(TYRES SQUEALING)
(THUD)
I know what you've been doing.
You've been killing people.
Kinda.
Only people that deserve it.
- Only wankers!
- You don't get to decide, Sam.
This is not how it's supposed to be.
- You're meant to be superheroes.
- You're telling me
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
never killed some ignorant fucker
for dropping litter
or shitting in the street?
No, they didn't.
Leonardo, Michelangelo,
Donatello and Raphael
would never have done any of them things.
- They lived by a code!
- OK.
Bad example. But, look, you just get so
sick of dealing with the same scumbags.
The courts don't do anything.
A fine? Community service? It's a joke.
We came up with
a more permanent solution.
Murdering 'em?
If you say it like that, it sounds bad.
We'd really like you to be OK with this.
I'm not OK with it!
I'm not OK!
(SHOUTS) I'm very far from being OK!
I'm actually very bloody angry!
(# THE CHORDETTES:
Born To Be With You)
(SIGHS) Do you know what?
What are you doing?
Well, he wanted to suckle on something
and you weren't 'ere.
I know they're not as beautiful as yours,
like, but any nipple in a storm. Eh, mate?
(RUDY CHUCKLES)
Do you want him?
It's not sucking on my tit.
Put it in the pram.
- All right.
- (BABY WHINGES)
Come on. One sec. Here we go,
here we go, here we go, here we go.
(BABY SNORTING)
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof,
woof, woof, woof, woof!
Is that milk?
Oh, my God!
I'm lactating.
Love's stronger than biology, guys.
(PHONE VIBRATING)
(TUTS)
Hi, it's... it's me.
Listen, I... I've made
a terrible error of judgment.
RUDY 2: You were right about Helen.
What? She's not an electrician, is she?
She don't know her... I knew it.
It's just one big lie.
No. I've... I've started something.
I... I thought I was doing something good
but Helen and the others,
they're killing people.
They almost got Finn.
I've got to stop 'em.
No, no, no, no.
Where are you? Where...
Where are you now?
Listen, I just... I want you to know...
...I'm sorry, and I should...
I should never have left you.
We belong together. I'm...
Where are you? Tell me where you are.
I can come and get you then, can't I?
Where are you?
I love you, man.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
What's going on, Rudy?
It's Rudy 2. He says his electrician
girlfriend's frigging killing people,
for Christ's sake!
You're not going to believe this.
Those community service pricks,
fucking little fuckers.
They tried to kill me!
Well, they chose
the wrong day to do that, Finlay...
...cos I'm feeling very hormonal.
(# THE WHITE STRIPES: Blue Orchid)
# You got a reaction
# You got a reaction, didn't you... #
They're coming.
I suppose you'd better kill 'em.
#... You took a wild orchid,
turned it blue... #
OK, as I see it,
we're getting into a fight with people
with much better superpowers than us.
- Define better.
- Flying.
He's got a point.
That is actually very impressive.
Oh, my God! That is...
That's a man flying.
That's like roller-skating cats. I never
thought I'd see that, not in my lifetime.
What's the plan?
Do we... Do we have a plan?
Running's a plan!
There's no shame in running!
(GROANS)
You prick!
All right, all right,
so what I'm thinking
you need to do,
you need to mount him in mid-flight,
you need to rip his jumpsuit off,
and just fuck his power out of him.
Oh, is... is that it(?)
So, I don't need to cook him
a nice dinner first or anything like that?
Bloody hell!
If you think you can't do it...
Errn... I didn't say that. I could do it.
Errn... I don't think you could.
Seriously, what a shit idea!
(CLUCKS)
It's amazing
what you can goad people into.
Vanity and pride have been
the undoing of many a great man, Finlay.
Roy Castle, God rest his soul.
He died of cancer, Rudy.
I thought he tap-danced himself to death.
(ALEX GRUNTS)
Get off me. Get off.
(GUFFAWS)
- Oh, my God. He's actually doing it.
- Go on! You can do it!
- I never doubted you, man!
- Go on, you handsome barman!
- Shall I?
- No!
I'm the fucking superhero!
Oh-oh-oh...
- SAM AND ALEX: Shit!
- He didn't think this through.
Flap your arms! Flap!
(YELLING)
(GROANS)
(RUSTLING)
Handsome barman?
(THEY CHUCKLE)
Oh, dude!
Told you I could do it.
You betrayed me.
I never meant you to find out.
Look, I can explain.
I loved you.
With all me heart.
I'm sorry.
Will you wait here?
I want to help.
I know you want to help,
but you've got to look after him.
Listen, I know he's not mine.
But I will love him like he was my own
if that's what you want.
D-Don't... Don't answer it now. Just...
...think about it, yeah?
Rudy.
Be careful.
Of course I'll be careful.
Careful's my middle name.
Rudy Careful Geoffrey Wade.
(BABY CRYING)
Oh, come on.
It's all right.
- (CRIES)
- JESS: All right.
Come on. Oh.
(BABY WHINGEING)
You worried about Rudy? Hm?
Me too.
It's OK.
- (BABY WHINGES)
- He'll be all right.
Don't do that to me.
- (BABY BURBLES)
- What are you doing to me?
Sh, sh.
- (WHISPERS) I heard something.
- What?
Sh!
(DOOR SLAMMING)
(WHISPERS) Follow me.
(GASPS)
Oh...
(SIGHS)
You won't have realised this about me...
...but I'm gay.
(SIGHS) I am...
a beautiful
and proud...
gay probation worker.
So am I.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(GREG SIGHS)
(GASPS AND GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(SNIFFS)
(PANTS)
(GRUNTS)
(DOOR OPENING)
Yeah, but what if
she's camouflaged herself as a pigeon?
You can't camouflage yourself as a pigeon.
Dimensions are all wrong.
A horse. A donkey.
An alpaca, maybe.
A pigeon, no.
Ow! She stabbed me!
She's fucking stabbed me!
You bitch!
Killer! Bitch! You're swinging.
Fuck!
Fuck! Stop!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fucking slag!
Oh, God. Oh...
Wasn't her.
(SHE SCREAMS)
- (SHE GROANS)
- (HE GASPS)
- That's not good.
- What...
That's not good.
(METALLIC CLANG)
We're going to find you
and we're going to fucking kill you!
' Gargh!
" No!
- You killed Sam.
- What's that?
You killed Sam! (SHE SCREAMS)
Whoa, ho-ho-ho-ho! Whoa, dude!
Oh, did you see that?
That's a G-flat, because she's flat
and her fucking name begins with G.
- Her name's Karen.
- Is it?
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Oh, look, don't, please?
You don't have to be a part of this.
But I am a part of this.
I'm a part of him.
Oh, mate.
But you... Please, just walk away.
Fuck these losers.
They've got it coming.
I'm sorry, but if you're going to kill him
you're going to have to kill me as well.
You're choosing him over me?
Yeah, I am.
He treated you like shit.
Don't I mean anything to you?
You mean the world to me.
You know you do!
You... You... You betrayed me.
I did not betray you.
L-I know
I haven't always appreciated you.
But the truth is, I feel...
I feel hollow,
like an empty can of Tizer.
You complete me. Huh.
(CHUCKLES)
That's Jerry Maguire.
Yeah.
I miss you, dude.
Come 'ere.
Together, we are twice as strong,
we're twice as intelligent
and we're twice as frigging handsome,
and there is fucking nothing
you can do to us.
I can kill you.
Well...
...that's just the problem, though,
isn't it, with you electricians?
You just think you can play God,
don't you?
Well, no, sir.
I've got news for you, pal.
People are more complicated than plugs!
Look at yourself. You just think
everyone's a toaster, don't you?
You're a fucking idiot.
Well, just give it your fucking best shot,
cos I've got rubber soles!
(HE SCREAMS)
(SHE SCREAMS)
Rudy?
- Oh!
- Come on.
I deliberately pissed myself.
You've just been killed
by my weak, infantile bladder. Ha-ha-ha!
Han!
Hold in there. We can fix this.
How do we fix it?
Rudy?
Rudy? Oh...
Oh, look at you.
You're so beautiful.
No, no, you...
you can't do this. I need you!
I've got something for you.
(RUDY CHUCKLES)
I'll just get...
I need a coin.
Yeah.
Here, mate.
Thanks, man.
Three melons!
Oh, God, I've done it.
ALEX: You've done it.
I've beaten the odds.
Here, give me your hand.
There is a quid on there.
Make sure you look after that baby.
Rudy?
No, no. No, no, no, no.
I think I'm going to be all right.
Rudy?
FINN: Rudy?
(BABY BURBLES)
I should have told him.
I should have told him that I loved him.
Why didn't I tell him?
He knew.
- He knew.
- (BABY CRIES)
Oh, come on. Sh, sh, sh.
What are you going to do?
- I'm going home.
- (BABY BURBLES)
Come on.
There you go.
I'm doing this for you.
Hi.
It's me.
(DOOR OPENS)
Jess?
Jess?
Jess?
Jess!
No!
No, no. No, no, no. Jess?
No, no. You can't do this.
I won't let you.
You're mine.
- (RUDY CHUCKLES)
- Scratchcard.
That's genius. Why didn't I think of that?
Well, not everyone's as blessed in
the brains and trouser department as I am,
are they?
(PHONE RINGS)
Hi, it's me.
Listen carefully, because there's
some things that you need to know.
I know this sounds weird, but...
...you're gonna have a baby.
Oh, he's beautiful.
Listen. You're gonna meet this guy.
His name's Luke.
Can I buy you a drink?
You have to have sex with him
or the baby will never exist.
We'll always be together.
But Luke is a psycho.
(GASPS)
After you have sex with him, you have
to kill him or he will never let you go.
Rudy loves you and your baby.
So, stop being such a stubborn bitch
and forgive him.
Don't fuck it up.
What's going on?
Do you know, I honestly thought...
I thought I could do something...
...achieve something on me own.
Honestly, what an idiot.
Hey, what... what are you talking about?
Jess has just come back from the future.
(SCOFFS)
And she said this whole superhero thing,
it just...
it gets completely out of control.
I mean, you... You end up
killing people, lots of 'em.
And then we all die...
...horribly.
This is what happens when you base your
future around a jumper, for God's sake!
Frigging knitwear!
Hey.
Maybe...
...we should go traveling together
instead.
Me and you.
Really?
I'd like that.
(# SPINTO BAND: Oh Mandy)
Here's to the future.
Oh, about the future. I've just been.
Am I a shepherd?
Erm... you are...
holding a golf sale sign
for a golf sale that doesn't exist.
You're still working behind the bar.
And you...
...are a trainee probation worker.
Fuck off.
Jess, honest? Shame on you, Finlay!
Deep humiliating shame.
I'm a multimillionaire, aren't I?
- You...
- No, no, no.
Don't tell me, don't tell me.
I want it to be a surprise.
Wink twice for yes.
You win a quid, piss yourself
and then you get electrocuted.
Colour me disappointed.
I'm just saying,
unless we want to spend the rest of our
lives as these underachieving fuck-ups,
then maybe we should think about
actually doing something with our powers.
What, you mean like open up
a fast-food restaurant?
No. I mean like becoming proper
superheroes, good ones, that do good shit.
Superheroes.
- I'm up for that.
- I might have to make
a few modifications, just on me costume.
It's just on account of me...
I've got irritable bowel syndrome.
And shitting in Lycra
is how I got banned from the gym.
No of fence, but you lot...
...superheroes?!
Fuck it.
All right, yeah, let's do it.
This could be the start of something huge.
I feel it in me nutsack.