Misfits (2009–2013): Season 5, Episode 3 - Episode #5.3 - full transcript

How do you smell so nice?

Right. I'm not being funny.
You're, like, proper strange.

It's cos I don't know who I am.

Well, I lost my memory
in that weird freak storm.

I've tried to find out who I am,
but no-one's looking for me.

I'm Laura.

I'm Abby.

Is that what I think it is?

Sorry.

RUDY 2: It's a support group.
It's for people with powers

and I just...
I think we should go.



Hi.

My name's Sam.

I can fly.

Oh, hello!

That's Abby's locker.

Does this explain
why that dewy-eyed my-little-fuckwit

isn't turning up
for her community service?

She likes to rave, does she?

She off her face in a field somewhere,
dancing with the little bunny rabbits?

Aceeed! A-a-a-aceeed!

Aceeed! A-a...

It's sherbet.

(COUGHS)

Think of her as your child.



This precious little life,

those eyes...

...staring up at you.

So full of love.

Her mouth...

puckered around your teat.

I'm holding each and every one of you
personally responsible for her.

So when was the last time
anyone actually saw Abby?

A couple of days ago,
I saw her leaving the bar with some girl.

And no-one's seen her since?

This other girl - d'you know her?

I think I know which block she lives in.

What's the plan?

Well, we ring the doorbell

and when she answers the door,
we ask her if she knows where Abby is.

That could work.

(FAINT SCREAMS)

(MOANING)

Morning.

Who the fuck are you?

Everyone, this is Laura.
Laura, this is everyone.

- Hi.
- Hello!

- Hi, Laura.
- You all right?

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

# The city breathing
The people churning

# The conversating
The price is what?

# The conversating
This place is heaven

# And if you see them
They say what? #

All this time, I've been searching
for something - a connection.

All those random guys... and cocks

and all they did was make me
feel even more empty inside.

But with Laura, it's different.
She... makes me feel complete.

So, that's the big mystery solved,
then. You're a lesbian.

Hi, I'm Abby, and I'm a lesbian.

Well done!

Whoa!

Are you and the big guy...

Are you still involved?

Romantically?

No. We never were.

Never were.

You shouldn't give yourself up so easily.

OK!

Er...

(TUTS)

What do you say?

Thank you.

(# MANFRED MANN:
I Put A Spell On You)

# I put a spell on you

# Because you're mine

# I don't like the things you do

# on, baby

- # I ain't lyin'... #
- Shit!

- Who's he?
- #...No, I ain't lyin'. #

Boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend.

Does he know about the ex bit?

- Everything's happened so fast.
- Where you been?

Hm? Why aren't you answering
your phone?

- Who's she?
- Hiya. I'm Abby, the lesbian.

I'm her new girlfriend.
You've been dumped.

What the fuck is going on?
Since when were you a lesbian?

I'm not.

I've never felt this way
about a girl before.

I love you.

How weird is that? I love her.

- You stupid bitch.
- You're scaring me.

What the fuck?

(# MARILYN MANSON:
I Put a Spell on You)

(PUNCHES AND GROANS)

# I put a spell on you

# You, you, you

# I love you, you, you... #

You hurt her and I'll fucking kill you!

(# SOLEY: Fight Them Soft)

# Soon they will be here

# To take me away from my home... #

Scary's here. He's under the bed.

#...l will use my garden army
to hide you all from them... #

Abby?

Are you all right?

You must think I'm a total psycho.

He was going to hurt you.

You were scared. I had to protect you.

You made me feel safe.

(WHISPERS) I liked it.

(# LANTERNS ON THE LAKE:
I Love You Sleepyhead)

You make me feel safe.

# There's a fallen shore

# I know

# And I'm thinking of home tonight

# There's a spark in our eyes

# But I'm letting you down tonight... #

- Scary's coming for me.
- #...And so you'll say... #

- Scary's coming for me.
- #...l do... #

Don't be scared.
I won't let him hurt you, I promise.

Scary's coming.

Huh? What?

Scary's coming.

What? How d'you know about Scary?

I... I'm having these flashbacks.

There's this girl
and she's holding your cuddly toy monkey.

I think it's you.

Who's Scary?

When I was a little girl, that's the name
that I gave to the Bogeyman.

There's another little girl.

If I'm remembering it,

it must be me, right?

We must have been friends
when we were little.

There's only one other person
who knows about Scary.

Yeah, it's me.

I'm her.

You can't be.

She didn't exist.

She was my imaginary friend.

What was her name?

It was Abby, wasn't it?

What the fuck is going on?

Were you in that...
weird, freaky, mysterious storm?

Um...

I thought I was a lesbian
with acute memory loss,

but I think I might be
your imaginary friend brought to life.

Mm.

You should probably stop
going down on me.

Yeah, yeah, right.

I found out who I am. Guess what.

I'm imaginary.

What?

So you find out she's imaginary
and you squeeze her breast?

Look, it just seemed like the only
logical thing to do

given the circumstances.

I'm a creature of instinct, aren't I?

What? So if in doubt, squeeze breast.
Abby is confused and upset.

And what's Jess supposed to think?

Dude, you're touching up girls
right in front of her.

Shut up! Why would I?
Why would I care what Jess thinks?

Cos I fucking... I don't.

I do not care, not even a little bit,
so just... shush!

Why can't you just admit you like her?

For the love of God,

can a ridiculously handsome man
not do anything in peace? Eh?

(PLAYS - # FRANKIE GOES
TO HOLLYWOOD: The Power of Love)

(STARTS TO SING)

You've discovered my little secret.

Sit.

I won't ask you again.

(STARTS TO PLAY)

(PIANO STOPS)

Such a beautiful instrument.

Elton John seems to like 'em.

The pianos.
He likes the pianos, doesn't he?

So do I.

Closer.

Relax!

Loosen your wrist.

It's loose. It's loose.

# The power of love

# The power of love

# A force from above

# Cleaning my soul... #

Sing

Sing

# Power of love

# A force from above

# Cleaning my soul... #

Beautiful.

# This time we go sublime

# Lovers entwined, divine, divine

# Love is danger, love is pleasure

# Love is pure, the only treasure

# I'm so in love with you... #

(PIANO STOPS)

# Purge the soul... #

I have to... I have to...

I have to go. I have...

I have herpes.

Shit! I've said it. It's out there.

So I'm gonna... I really should go
just to take my medication.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(PIGEONS COOING-z)

Hiya.

If you've come to feel my tit,
I'm not really in the mood.

No, no, no, it's not...
I'm... I'm the other one. I'm Rudy 2.

Look“.

It's just that I remember
when I was first created,

you know, you have all these questions
spinning round your head.

You know, what's my place in the world?
Am I a person in my own right?

Will I ever find... true love,
sort of thing?

And what did you do?

Rudy 1 told me
to stop being such a vagina.

Only he didn't say "vagina".

I bottled everything up...

...and I thought I could fix it with...

...anxiety medication and sleeping pills
and stuff.

But then we found somewhere
I could go and...

It's like a support group, you know,
for people like us, me and you.

People with powers, you know.

And nobody judges you.
We all just sit and listen, so...

You can't tell Rudy 1 where I am -
he thinks I'm doing the laundry.

I do the service wash.

But you should come.

Or definitely think about it, you know.

You're nice.

Uh-oh!

(# C2C: Down The Road)

(MUSIC STOPS)

What's up with you?

I think the probation worker fancies me.

Oh, for God's sake, Finn,
you monkey-faced prick, does he heck!

I'm serious. I...
I think he's in love with me.

You should see the way he looks at me
with his...

with his hungry eyes.

Was he looking at you like this?

Cos this is me thinking
that you're a little twat.

Am I?

- Well, he gave me a finger of his KitKat.
- Oh, dear God!

Just snapped it off.

Finn, it's the oldest trick in the book,
you douche.

You don't underst...

Come on. Really?

You just... You take the finger of
the KitKat, you insert it up your anus,

you give it to the unsuspecting victim,
that's good times.

It was a more innocent time,
I'll have you know,

when children were allowed to be bloody
children. Thank you very much, judgy.

I smelt it. And either the probation
worker's arse smells of chocolate, or...

...it hadn't been anywhere near his arse.

So what did you do with it?

Ate it.

- Oh, God!
- Fuck me!

(EERIE MUSIC)

YOUNG LAURA: Scary's coming.

(SQUELCHING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Ex-boyfriend, what are you doing here?

Laura asked me to come round. She
don't wanna see you, all right? Just go.

But she can't not see me.
She created me.

I know who you are.
She told me everything.

Stay away from her.

What are you gonna do about that?

Laura! Laura?

Laura!

(TEARFULLY) You can't do this.

I brought you a swingball.

I love swingball. Laura!

- Hi.
- What are you doing?

I climbed in through the window.

I was gonna wait until you had your
wee. If it's a shit, I'll wait outside.

No, it's just a wee.

Why don't you wanna see me?

You're not real.

I am fucking real.

It's too weird.

It's too weird.

(CRIES m PAIN)

See?

- I'm as real as you are.
- (KNOCKING)

- ROB: Laura, who are you talking to?
- You're crazy.

I'm how you made me. You wanted me.

- ROB: Laura, open the door.
- I don't want you here.

You made me.

- ROB: (SHOUTS) Laura!
- Just go... Go!

If I don't have you,
I don't have anybody. Please...

Rob! No!

Fuck off!

(SCREAMS)

You cut me.

You stay away from me.

Stay away from me.

Hi.

Have you been drinking?
Is that allowed?

It's the magic hour.

I am no longer your probation worker.

You are no longer on community service.

We're just two people.

With hopes.

And dreams.

(DOOR CLATTERS)

# Aye-aye-aye-aye...

# Feels like fire

# I'm so in love with you... #

FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD:
# Dreams are like angels

# They keep bad at bay, bad at bay

# Love is the light

# Scaring darkness away

- # I'm so in love with you... #
- You've got it all wrong.

- I'm not gay.
- #...Purge the soul... #

I look gay.

But I'm not.

- #...Make love... #
- It's probably because I'm petit.

- Some would say dangerously boyish.
- # Your goal... #

# Lovers entwined, divine, divine... #

We are not lovers!
There is no entwined, divine, divine.

# Love is danger, love is pleasure... #

Love is losing your job and your pension.
Think. Think about that.

What?

I am so full of love.

I won't hide it any more.

I can't.

It's seeping out of me.

Out of my pores.

It's... it's beautiful.

It's pure.

Smell my love.

Fuck off!

(THUD)

Are you OK?

Jess?

It's me. I'm at the Community Centre.

And there's a situation.

So we're gonna need your car
to move the situation.

Call me.

(FAINT VOICES)

(DOOR OPENS)

What the? Finlay, what the fuck?

- What've you done?
- Nothing.

Did you kill the probation worker?

No.

And yes.

It was self-defence. I told you
he fancied me, but did yous listen? No!

This is all on you.

- What?
- No, it isn't.

Some of it's on you.

- Not really.
- A little bit.

No.

(# SOLEY: I'll Drown)
# He's alone

# In his house out there

# Far, far away

# He sleeps with his eyes open

# He was so sad last night

# In his house out there

# He took my hand

# And whispered... #

So, em...

Do you want to say a few words?

Er...

Thanks for the memories.

Ugh!

(ALL SCREAM)

What are you doing?

I'm fucking panicking,
aren't I, Finn? Jesus!

- So you didn't check for a pulse, then?
- I'm not a doctor!

Dude, get in the fucking hole
and check for a pulse.

(MOBILE RINGTONE)

Jess?

I found the situation. Where are you?

I'm sitting on the situation.

What situation are you talking about?

The probation worker situation.

The Abby situation.
What's the probation worker situation?

He tried to fuck me.

So I accidentally killed him.

At least, I thought I'd killed him, but
then Rudy hit him with a spade, so now...

- He might actually be dead.
- (GROANS)

No, he isn't. He's alive.
He's alive again!

He's alive again!

What's the Abby situation?

She's taken an overdose.

Well, is she OK?

She's alive.

Right, good. Well, that's a start. Errn...

You take care of that situation
and we'll take care of this situation.

OK, good, yeah. Yeah.

Er... Bye!

Bye.

OK.

(RETCHES)

Right.

So he wakes up and thinks
he's crashed the car drink-driving.

That could work.

We should get his cock out.

Any particular reason, or do you
just wanna... give it an airing?

For the comedy, innit, you know.
It's always... Come on, for the comedy.

It works for me.

Oh, it's really warm.

(STARTS ENGINE)

(ON RADIO - # FRANKIE GOES
TO HOLLYWOOD: Relax)

#... When you want to go to it

# Relax, don't do it

# When you want to come... #

Adios, amigo!

Dickhead!

- What?
- Fucking hit me in the face.

(CRASH)

- That's my fucking car!
- Shit.

Rob?

Rob, is that... you?

(FAIRGROUND MUSIC)

Hello?

(MUSIC FADES)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Urn... (CLEARS THROAT)

Not sure...
exactly what happened yesterday.

But, um...

If I behaved at all...

inappropriately then I apologise.

Apology accepted.

I don't think it would benefit
either of us if...

you know, we were to mention it
to anyone else.

Your secret's safe with me.

Let me get one thing straight.
I do not have a secret!

Right, I was talking about me.

My secret.

What's your secret?

I pick me teeth.

You disgust me.

I've spent my whole life
running away from trouble.

Bullies at school.

Hard kids on the estate.

Sometimes they caught up with me.

They kicked the shit out of me.

Now I can fly away.

There's no way they can catch me.

I thought it'd feel great.

But it doesn't.

I'm still running scared -
now, I'm just flying scared.

I hate myself for it.

It shouldn't be like that.

What if there's another way?

Does this other way involve
getting the shit kicked out of me?

Sometimes.

But anything's got to be better than
being so damn scared all the time.

Oh!

Oh! Excu... Excu...!

Excuse me!

- Hello?
- (ECHOES)

Where're you going now?

I'm getting my car repaired
cos someone crashed into it.

Right, right. Well, enjoy.

Oh.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Hey, listen.

Seriously, if you wanna use our room,

you wanna have a talk
or just sit on each other's faces,

or talk while you're sat
on each other's faces...

I've been known to recite poetry.

Should I compare thee
to a summer's day?

Thou art more lovely and temperate.

You laughing at that?

I am allowed to laugh.

See you tomorrow.

- OK.
- See ya.

Women are a fucking mystery.

I mean, even their genitalia's mysterious,

what with all the little different
crevices and folds,

different compartments, just...

You know, sometimes I wonder
whether there's stuff up there

they're just not telling us about.

What? So, suddenly I exist again?
I'm real?

It's not like that.

When I was a little girl...

we played together every day.

And at night, when I was alone...

...and scared...

...you were always there.

My parents didn't give a shit about me.

They were just too busy
fighting each other.

You were like my best friend.

But it was more than that.

It was like you were a part of me.

I freaked out...

...but I never meant to hurt you.

Well, you did.

It was like meeting God, my creator...

...and suddenly my whole life
makes sense.

And then God looks at you
and calls you a cunt

and tells you to go fuck yourself.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

(# DEEE LITE: Groove ls In The Heart)

Jesus! Look at my teeth.

Oh, look at Mr Pickles!

It's really weird how those pirates
came in the night and stole him.

I'm pretty sure my parents
were lying about that.

That he died.

They didn't want me to be upset.

Right.

That makes sense.

# Sing it, baby

# I couldn't ask for another... #

I need a wee.

OK.

(MUSIC CHANGES
TO MR BLOBBY MUSIC)

(# EAST 17: Stay Another Day)

# Stay now
Baby, if you've got to go away

# Don't think I could take the pain
Stay now... #

(SHE JOINS IN)
#... Won't you stay another day?

# Oh, don't leave me alone like this... #

(EERIE MUSIC)

(FAIRGROUND MUSIC)

(EERIE MUSIC)

#... Oh, don't leave me alone like this

# Don't you say it's the final kiss

# Won't you stay another day? #

Argh! (SCREAMS)

Fuck off!

There's someone under the bed!
He attacked me.

It's Scary.

Go!

He's gonna kill us.

No. I'm here, OK?

(SCREAMS)

Abby! Abby! Abby!

" Abby!
' Oi. Scary!

(THUD)

(RASPING)

I've gotta go.

Don't go. Stay.

Scary's dead. You don't need me
to protect you any more.

It was never just about that.

But you're right.

It's like going down on your mum,
or your sister, at least.

Maybe your favourite aunt.

Right.

I've got to go to community service.

I'm really glad I made you.

Me too.

(# SOL SEPPY: Part of)

#...Only in

# Unison

# Mighty make

# Only to hear

# Our hands

# Come together. #

(EERIE MUSIC)

Your money and your phone - now!

Shit, I... Don't hurt me, I've got...

(SCREAMS)

(CRYING)

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! No, no, no. I need to talk to ya!

It's about a jumper.

Rudy 2's buggered off and left me.

You all right, mate? How're you doing?

Oh, shit! It's him.

Jesus Christ,
the man's a fucking vegetable.

He's not some random old man.
He's Rudy 2 and he's a part of you.

(CRIES OUT)

- Is that me?
- Think so.

- Who's that on top of the building?
- I don't know.

Well, it's you.

D'you know what?
If I wasn't such a total fuck-up,

I'd probably ask you out for a drink.