Misfits (2009–2013): Season 4, Episode 5 - Episode #4.5 - full transcript

Are you out of your fucking mind?

No... No, no!

- Yes!
- He's a stepmother-fucker.

I am so sorry.

I'm not your dad.

And I raised you
even though I knew you weren't mine.

You f... You do this to me?

- Turns out me mum was a bit of a slut.
- Oh.

What type do I look like?

Like a nice, normal girl.

Looks can be deceiving.



Don't take it personally.
(WHISPERS) I think he might be gay.

I'm really sorry it's come down to this.

None of us chose this shit.

It's zombie noir, innit?

FINN: This is you... and this is me mum.

Mary. M-Mary Samson.

This is so weird.

Your mum's Mary Samson?

She had a nickname. What was it?
Everyone used to call her...

...Mary, something Mary...

Oh, what was it?

- Ma... Oh.
- Anyway...

me mum worked out
a timeline on her pregnancy,

when I must have been conceived.



It was at this party.

She says one of the guys
in the photograph

must be me dad.

Me real dad.

Only, she had a few drinks that night
and can't for the life of her remember

who she had sex with,

which I find deeply disturbing
on so many levels.

So I guess... me question to you...

...and trust me, never in me
worst nightmares did I ever think

I'd be going around repeatedly
asking this, but... me question is...

...did you shag me mum?

Are you saying that I'm your?

Looks that way.

Take your time.

Um...

I've got a son!

Look at you.

Y-You're all grown up.
L-l-I've missed so much.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.

(CLICKS FINGERS) Anal Mary!

Your mum's nickname.
Everyone used to call her Anal Mary.

You know,
I'm pretty sure I'm not your dad.

You said you had sex with her.

Ahh...

There's no easy way
to say this, but, um...

...I fucked your mum up the arse.

It's her thing, you know.

Yeah, it's all coming back to me now.

Oh!

Anal Mary.

How is your mum? She, er, single?

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

it The city breathing, the people churning

it The conversating

# The price is what?

It The conversating

# This place is heaven

# And if you see them

# They say what? #

Whoever your dad is, cheap bastard
owes you for 21 friggin' birthdays!

You know, the man's out there,
he is just spraying his sperm around

like it were friggin' confetti
or summat like that.

I tell you, the least he could do -
buy you a car.

And that's not to mention all the friggin'
Christmases he's missed as well.

This little fella's gonna be balls deep
in turkey this year,

- I'm telling you now.
- D'you really think

you can have a relationship with some guy
you've never even met before?

He's me dad.

We're blood, we're...

Blood's thicker than wine.

You know, as wanky as it might sound...

(SIGHS)... I'm going on
a journey of self-discovery.

And... I'd appreciate it
if I had a little bit of support.

Yeah, I just hope your dad's
not tragically disappointed.

- Why would he be disappointed?
- Well, beca...

Oh, dear.

Ohhh, eeny, meeny,

- miny, moe!
- Oh, fuck!

My office, now!

We're gonna do some grief counseling.

I guarantee...

there will be tears.

And they won't be mine!

So why do you think he did it?

Why did Curtis...

...blow his brains out
in a disused factory?

- I honestly couldn't tell you, mate.
- Let's get...

one thing straight, right?

I am not and I never will be... your mate.

Oh, come on,
that's a bit of a tragedy, innit?!

For you! Because I think if you...

Only kidding. That's not...

(MUMBLES)

Cor, you're very intense.

Oh, you want intense?

No. (CLEARS THROAT)

I'll give you intense.

I'll give you the intense sensation
of me skull-fucking your living brain.

No.

Come on.

Since Curtis's death,

have you suffered from
overwhelming feelings of loss

and despair?

N-No.

No! I haven't.

Are you fucking sure about that?

Ye-es.

(CLEARS THROAT) Yes.

Hi.

Hi.

Is that it?

L-I'm sorry.

I screwed up.

It was nothing you did.
I shouldn't have lied to you.

- I am a prick.
- Mmm.

So what are you thinking?

I'm thinking I wanna hit you in the face.

Well, I think if that's gonna
make you feel better, go ahead.

- Fuck you.
- I'm serious.

If that's what it's gonna take
for you to get over it... then hit me.

I'll come down to your level -
I'll make it easy for you.

Oh! What the fuck?!

You told me to hit you!

Jesus!

Oh!

Are you cr...? Are you crying?

No. My eyes are watering.
Why did you go for the nose?

Oh, you...

- What? ...Oh, shit!
- Sorry.

Yeah, well, so you fucking should be.

- It's not funny!
- (LAUGHS)

Do you wanna go out tomorrow night?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

L-I was just...

I was looking for Dan... Woollaston.

That's my dad.

Is that him?

What's this about?

This is gonna sound crazy.

But I think he might be my dad too.

He says you can go in.

There's something you should know.

He's sick.

(DOOR CREAKS)

Hi.

Hi.

Come on.

Come and sit.

I remember this.

Mary Samson, aye.

Did your daughter tell you why I'm here?

Yeah.

So I guess me question to you is...

...at the party, did you...

(CLEARS THROAT)

...did you have sex with me mum?

Yeah.

About the sex...

Was it normal?

Hmm, it was on a washing machine.

(COUGHS)

By normal, I mean...

(SOFTLY)... was it...

What?

...vaginal?

Ohh, God!

You've obviously heard about

- the whole Anal Mary thing, right?
- I've heard.

I always hated people calling her that.

So she liked it up the sh...

I just don't think...

...people should have judged her.

And to answer your question...

Yes,

it was normal sex.

I think that probably makes you my dad.

You're my son?

Yeah.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Wow. I, um...

D'you have any fatherly advice for me?

Um...

Don't get cancer.

(CHUCKLES)

No, seriously.

Do not get cancer.

I'll try not to.

Hadn't planned on it.

(LAUGHS)

(COUGHS)

(COUGHS VIOLENTLY)

(CONTINUES COUGHING)

Cancer, eh?

Bummer.

Total bummer.

Is he? Is he gonna?

Will he get better?

No, it's terminal.

Oh.

Where's your mum?

She died a few years ago.

- She was in a car accident.
- Jesus.

Well, have you got
any brothers or sisters?

No, just me.

Guess this isn't exactly
what you were expecting.

No.

I'm glad I found him.

I wanna help.

What can I do?

Well, you could change his colostomy bag,
if you like?

I'm joking.

Oh!

Bye.

(RASPING BREATHS)

Dad?

(SHE MOANS)

(SHE PANTS)

(HE GROANS SOFTLY)

(HE PANTS)

You can't keep me alive for ever.

Right, so your new dad...

...craps in a bag?

- People are strange, mate.
- You should see him.

He's all, like...

Does he have a car?

Cos I'm thinking...

you know, if he's ill,
should he be driving?

I don't know if he's got a car.

Cos as I sat there and he was
nearly coughing himself to death,

I didn't think it was appropriate

to start making an inventory
of all his worldly possessions.

You know, some people might say
that was a little insensitive.

Oh.

What's your sister like?

You are clearly not one of those people.

I meant as a person!

I'm just thinking your sister needs
a little bit of something

to take her mind of things.

By something, I mean...

I know what you...! I know what you mean.

Oh.

Who's dying?

Me new dad.

He's not new, as in...

New to me.

(GREG SIGHS)

D'you know how I felt when my dad died?

No.

Take a guess.

Sad?

I was fucking ecstatic.

Guy was a miserable, judgemental prick.

Danced a happy little jig on his grave.

You think about that...

...when you're out there scrubbing off
graffiti and scraping up dog shit.

OK.

Will do.

You should see the stuff
that comes out of him.

Your poor sister.

That must be so hard for her,
having to deal with all that on her own.

Right.

So hard.

Of course, she...

She's not on her own any more, is she?

Cos she's got me.

That's really sweet, you know?

I try.

Yes, that's brilliant!

Using your dad's cancerous tumors
to get into her knickers, mate!

Nah, I... I wasn't using his tumors.

You're absolutely brilliant.

I have rubbed myself off on you,
haven't I?

You've been like a tiny little bird,
right, and I've been nurturing

and feeding you a little pipette of breast
milk, and you've gone and grown up,

and now you're flying away,
aren't you, off into the distance.

(COCKS IMAGINARY GUN AND SHOOTS)

Got the fucker.

Not a problem.

(COUGHING)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Grace, hi.

It's... It's Finn.

Your new brother. Half-brother.

I was just wondering, if it's all right,

if I come round to see you and Dad later.

Grace?

Grace?

OK.

I'm gonna go round later.

Yeah?

Feels good, doin', you know,
something for other people.

We could go for a drink after.

Sorry, I can't. I'm meeting Alex.

Who's Alex?

You know Alex, from the bar.

I thought you were pissed off with him.

I was, but then I punched him in the face
and he asked me out and I said yes.

Why don't you just kick me in the balls?

Why would I want to kick you in the balls?

Does it get me a date?

Have fun with your sister.

Shit.

Must be, er...

...kinda hard for you turning up
and finding me like this.

No, I just...

...just wish I'd met you sooner.

Yeah, me too.

I'm glad you came back.

There's something
I need to talk to you about...

before Grace gets back.

Um...

Do you know...

about the storm...

...and these weird powers?

- I did hear something about...
- I know

we've only just met each other.

There's no-one else I can talk to.

Grace...

has a power.

And she's been using it to keep me alive.

Are you saying she's curing you?

No, no, no, she's not. She's...

(GROANS) I'm not getting any better.

And I'm in so much pain.

I've been letting her do it... (COUGHS)

...because she...

didn't have anybody else.

And you show up. She's got a brother now.

I don't wanna live like this, Finn.

I need you to make her see
that she has to let me go.

Don't think there's anyone else?

She has no-one else.

(COUGHS)

- You're her brother.
- Half-brother.

I need you to persuade her...

to let me die.

- Please.
- GRACE: Dad?

Listen.

Take her out tonight.

I've ordered a nurse to look after me.

OK.

Hey.

Hi.

Is everything OK?

Yeah.

All good here, love.

All good.

We're just, er...

getting to know each other.

- I'll put the shopping away.
- OK, love.

Finn.

She has to let me go.

I want to die.

Here's a random idea.

Me and you, we should go for a drink.

What d'you say?

I can't.

- I need to look after my dad.
- He's booked a nurse, so he's all good.

Not good, you know...

- Cared for.
- He's booked a nurse?

He thought it would be good
if we got to know each other.

You know, now you're me sister.

Half-sister.

Come on, one drink.

Come on, one drink! Or...

Or ten.

It's up to you.

But we're gonna have so much fun.

(SIGHS)

I'm a fun guy.

So, do you have any brothers or sisters?

No. You?

You already asked me that.

Right.

Er...

Have you got any pets?

No. You?

I did once pretend to have a dog.

It was really me girlfriend.

We don't need to go there.

So...

There was something...

I wanted to talk to you about.

(SIGHS)

What's up?

- All right?
- All right.

It's him.

Alex, "from the bar".

(INDISTINCT SPEECH IN BACKGROUND)

No.

In there.

Did that just look
a little bit gay to you?

Did it?

OK, if you say so.

D'you wanna tell me what we're doing here?

This guy, Alex, "from the bar",

he's got a date with a friend of mine
and we're finding out if he's gay.

Why?

So I can completely destroy
his relationship with Jess

before it's even started.

You like this girl Jess?

I might. That's not the point!
Just keep your eyes...

Now, where did they go?

I think he's paying him for sex.

(PHONE RINGS)

(RINGING STOPS)

(SHE GASPS)

Do something.

You've got a power.

More importantly, Alex, "from the bar"...

is gay!

Oh! He... He is so gay.

Oh, shit. They're here.

He doesn't waste any time, does he?

Quick polish of his cock
and then he's ready to roll.

- Finn.
- What do we do?

Play... Play it cool, play it cool.

Hey!

Hey, good to see you. Hi, Jess.

Jess, this is me sister...
well, half-sister, Grace.

Grace, this is Jess.

It's Alex, right? Yeah, I'm Finn.

This is me sister... half-sister, Grace.

Grace, this is Alex.

- "From the bar".
- What's with the speech marks?

No idea! (CHUCKLES)

So, how are you?

How's it hanging, dawg?

Why are you being so weird?

What? Who's being weird?

(LAUGHS)

Oh! She's always like this.

You should see her
when we're on community service.

We have such a laugh.
Don't we have a laugh?

Are you on community service?

You told me you were studying engineering.

Did I?

Well, this is awkward,
so I'm going to the toilet.

You know what?

Oh, I need a piss, too.

Synchronized bladders.

Jess.

What are you doin'?

- It's about Alex.
- What about him?

He's gay.

And I'm pretty sure
he's paying men for sex.

- Finn.
- I'm here.

Fuck off!

Watch the video. Watch it...

and tell me if you still think Alex,
"from the bar", isn't gay.

Well?

You... are really pathetic.

D'you know that?

Am I?

Mmm.

At least I'm not gay.

Absolutely nothin' wrong with it.

Unless...

Unless you're pretending you're not gay

so you can trick girls
into having sex with you.

Why would anyone do that?

Where's me phone?

It's down the toilet.

But don't worry, I didn't flush.

He's gay and you know it.

Nothing wrong with it.

Shit.

(BLOWS)

ALEX: Got you a beer.

Thanks.

So, Alex,

what have you been doing this evening?

Nothing. Just... getting ready to go out.

Mmm.

Right, right.

We should, um, go back to yours.

- You wanna go back to mine?
- Is that a problem?

- No. I just thought we were...
- (MOUTHS)

I... just thought...

...you wanted to go out.

I really...

...want to go back to yours.

OK.

OK?

Nice to meet you.

You too, Alex.

From the bar.

Fuck off.

I hate to say it,

but I think she's probably
gonna take him back to his flat...

and fuck his brains out.

You really like her, don't you?

I always have done.

Ever since me first day
on community service.

She acts all tough and she's not.
And I know I can make her happy.

You don't wanna listen to this.

To be honest, it's nice to think
about something other than Dad.

I don't get out much.

There's something
I need to talk to you about.

What's that?

Oh, hello!

I'm Rudy.

It's nice to meet you.

'Ey, I bet he's been telling you
all sorts about me, hasn't he?

What's he been saying?
What've you told her, you, you shit?

He hasn't said anything.

Has he not?

That's interesting.
That's very interesting indeed.

- I'll get some drinks.
- Two pints of... (SNIFFS)

...lager and a whisky chaser,

thank you for asking.

Nice one.

She's lovely.

Very nice and generous.

(SOFTLY) She's very cute, mate.

Very cute.
She smells of strawberries and cream.

I forbid you to even talk to her.

I have popped in to say hello, all right,

and to tell you how sorry I am
about your dad.

No-one's more upset about this than me.

Please don't fuck me sister.

I'd love to help you,
but unfortunately, I am...

...I'm genetically programmed
to fuck people's sisters.

It's the way the Lord made me.
Can't be helped, dude.

Who the fuck is that clown?

- (TUTS)
- GRACE: I like... I like this one.

(BOTTLE TOP CLATTERS)

Who's this?

Oh, he's a... a mate.

We went to Ibiza together last year.

Mmm.

D'you want something to eat?
Cos I could make you something.

You cook?

It's been known.

Then great.

(MOUTHS)

- 'Ey?
- What?

What?! Are you just gonna sit there

and let some friggin' Neanderthal
treat your sister like a piece of meat?

Worse... It's worse than a piece of meat.

He's treating her like a piece of fish.

She looks like she's enjoying herself.

Will she still be enjoying herself,
I wonder,

when you're taking her down
the AIDS clinic?

Jesus, what did you
have to say that for?

- Eurgh.
- You really think I should go over there?

Mmm.

Is? Is that what brothers do?

Well, yes, it is.

It's what they do when they don't want
their sisters to get AIDS.

All right, back me up.

All right, I will do.
Right behind you, bro.

(FINN CLEARS HIS THROAT)

Can I help you with something?

I just wanna check...

What are your intentions
towards my sister?

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, but I...

I don't want you to get AIDS, OK?

Are you saying I've got AIDS?

No, not at all.

No, I was say... I was saying...

(MOUTHS)

Piss off, you little shit.

Hey, that's my brother,
you fucking prick!

Oh! Ohh!

(SIZZLING)

Where's your toilet?

First on the right.

- What are you doing?
- Urn...

I was, er...
I was just admiring your wardrobe.

Do you always go snooping
in guys' bedrooms?

I wasn't snooping.

So... what were you doing?

There's something I need to ask you.

I don't care if you are,
I just wanna know.

Are you gay?

Am I gay?

Haven't we done this already?

I know. lt's just...
Finn showed me this video

of you and this guy
in an underground car park.

You've got him following me?

No!

He saw you. I didn't know anything
about it until he showed it to me.

What's on this video?

It shows you talking to this guy.

I'm... I'm talking to a guy?

Oh, then I must be gay(!)

I didn't wanna believe it.

That's why I was so pissed off with him
at the bar.

And then we come back here,
and there's photos of you

with your arm around some guy,
and you're cooking.

- And your clothes are colour-coordinated.
- Oh!

So I must be having sex with men(!)

I just wanna know.

All right?

If you tell me you're not, then fine.

- Does that answer your question?
- Yeah.

(BOTH SNIGGER SOFTLY)

FINN: Classic.

I have to go home.

Eurgh. Fucking hell, you're beautiful.

You sausage! (LAUGHS)

Ohm

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Does he think that's me?

FINN: I think he might.

He must think I'm really furry.

So beautiful. (CHUCKLES)

That was the best night out
I've had in ages.

Thanks, bro.

No problem, ho.

I mean... I... I mean, sis.

I need to talk to you about your dad.

Oh. Our dad.

He told me...

He told me what you're doing.

For fuck's sake.

(SIGHS)

- Is it weird that we didn't?
- That we didn't shag?

Can we take this slowly?

Just because I've...
I've rushed things before

and I really don't wanna fuck this up.

Slow is fine with me.

I'll call you.

Good.

(GASPS)

Shit!

What's going on?

It's Grace. She's gone.

I didn't get a chance to talk to her
about letting me dad die.

- What?
- It's complicated.

(RUDY SPLUTTERS)

Oh, bloody hell, Barbara!

How is he?

He's very weak.

I've made him as comfortable as I can.

It won't be long now. I'm sorry.

- You can go.
- I should probably stay.

I can handle it.

Just go, all right? We don't need you.

Hiya.

I'm... I'm Dan's new son.

- Well, new to him.
- He told me about you.

Really?

You should go in. He doesn't have long.

Don't.

He told me.
He told me what you're doing.

It's nothing to do with you.

He wants to die.

Look, I'm way outside
me comfort zone here, but...

I think you have to let him go.

I can't. He's all that I've got.

No. You've...

You've got me now.

We don't even know each other.

We can get to know each other.

- We can hang out.
- (SCOFFS)

More than hang out. We'll...

We'll do sibling shit.

It's not the same.

I can't let him die.

He's in pain.

He doesn't want this.

You don't even know him.

You just show up here.

What do you want from us?

You think this is what I expected
when I went looking for me dad?

And yes, I was just trying to use you
to get in Jess's knickers.

- Oh!
- It's not me proudest moment.

You know, I've never had a sister.

Half-sister.

But I like it.

I like you.

And as...

your big brother...

...I'm responsible for you.

You're not on your own.

Let him go.

Oh, fuck! Ah!

- Grace, it's not what he wants.
- Get off me!

(GROANS)

Ah!

I'm here for you.

You can't kill me. I'm your brother.

Half-brother.

(WEAKLY) Grace.

Grace.

(PANTS)

I'm sorry.

I'm fine.

I thought, with time, if I...

if I kept doing it...

...l could make him better.

I can't make him better.

(TEARFULLY) Why can't I make him better?

All I can do is keep him alive.

Maybe it's just his time.

I don't want to be on my own.

I did it for me.

I did it for myself.

- I'm so fucking selfish.
- No... No.

Grace.

Grace.

. HEY-
. HEY-

Did you talk to her?

Kind of.

I didn't want to lose you.

- I'm so sorry.
- No.

Darling, no.

No.

You have nothing to be sorry for.

Being your dad...

...is the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Ssh!

I'm so proud of you.

Sit with me.

(SNIFFS)

(HE WHISPERS SOFTLY)

I should probably go.

No. No.

Stay.

S...

Stay.

Hey.

It's OK.

It's OK.

It's all good.

(MOANS WEAKLY)

u: BON w ER: Stacks

# This is not the sound of a new man... #

Grace.

- #... Or crispy realization... #
- Come on.

#...it's the sound of the unlocking

# And the lift away

# Your love will be

# Safe with me... #

Just so you know,
Alex, "from the bar", is so not gay.

Great.

I'm sure he'll make someone
a lovely husband.

Or, should I say, "civil partner".

"Twat"!

The thing in the underground car park,
he was buying some gear.

So he's a drug addict.

He... He is quite a catch(!)

D'you know what? I really don't
give a fuck what he was doing.

What's going on?

Me dad died.

Oh.

God, I'm sorry, yeah?

You little bastard!

Draw on my face, will you?
You little shit.

- Rudy, don't.
- Fuck off!

Little comedy Hitler mustache there.

Get off him. Rudy!

- It's fucking payback.
- His fucking dad died.

Oh, dear God.

I'm sorry. Shit.

Really, I'm s...

Oh, mate.

I'm sure that'll...

...wash off before the funeral.

I'm just thinking, some people,
that could look disrespectful.

You think(?)

- You prick.
- Hey! Come on, now, mate. No-one's...

No-one's more upset about this
than me.

I feel your pain, it's all over here.

Wrecks.

How's your sister doing, mate?
Cos I'm thinking... (GASPS)

You even think about
going anywhere near my sister

and I'll kick the shit out of you.

- Oh...
- She's off limits, is that understood?

All right. If you really feel
that strongly about it...

...I'll give her a pass.

- I'm issuing her with a pass.
- Good.

Consider it issued, not a problem.

Listen to me. I'm not gonna hurt you.

I promise I'm not gonna hurt you.

Show me your cock and I'll let you go.

Show me your cock.

(SCREAMS)

So now you know...

...why we can't be together.