Misfits (2009–2013): Season 4, Episode 4 - Episode #4.4 - full transcript

Do you want to come back to mine
for a drink?

My neighbor's just called me.

Said my flat's been broken into.
I have to go.

I see all these girls coming on to him.
He knocks them all back.

You could come over later and watch a DVD.

It's cos you want
to get in my knickers, right?

I'll settle for a kiss.

I've got another power.

The power to bring people
back from the dead.

CURTIS: It's like a zombie film.

I'm Lola.
I'm a trainee probation worker.



You don't act like one.

Maybe I only want to be
a probation worker

so I can meet bad boys.

(# LANA DEL REY: Blue Jeans)

# Blue jeans, white shin'

# Walked into the room
You know you made my eyes burn

# It was like James Dean, for sure

# You're so fresh to death
and sick as ca-cancer

# You were sorta punk rock
I grew up on hip-hop

# But you fit me better
than my favourite sweater and I know

it That love is mean

it And love hurts

# But I still remember... #

I love you.



What's that?

I said, I love you.

# .../ will love you
till the end of time

# Big dreams

# Gangster

# Said you had to leave
to start your life over

# I was like, no, please... #

What is it?

I need some fresh air.

- Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Get some drinks.

# ...But he headed out on Sunday
Said he'd come home Monday

# I stayed up waitin'

it Anticipatin' and pacin' but he was

# Chasing... #

Same again?

- Curtis?
- # ...Caught up in the game

# Was the last I heard

# I will love you
till the end of time... #

Where did you go?

What happened to you?

Where have you been?

What do you want, Jake?

I can't stop
thinking about that guy.

I never asked you to kill him.

I did it for you.
I... I was trying to protect you.

And for a while you got to fuck me.

I thought you understood
the arrangement.

An arrangement?

Why are you being like this?
I love you.

Go home, Jake.

You're not walking away from this.

If I go down, I'll take you with me.
I'll tell them everything.

Are you threatening me?

You used me.

You bitch.

You fucking bitch!

You want to hurt me?

Do it.

You wouldn't be the first.

Fuck you.

Lola?

Jesus. What happened?

He attacked me.

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

it The city breathing

# The people churning

it The conversating

# The price is what?

It The conversating

# This place is heaven

# And if you see them... #

CURTIS: Lola?

Are you OK?

You want to tell me who he is?

He's my ex.

We used to see each other.

He's obsessed with me.

Every time I try and leave him,
he finds me.

He doesn't own you.

He says if I don't go back to him...

...he says he's going to kill me.

You have to go to the police,

report him.

I went to the police before.
They didn't do anything.

They just made it worse.

I'm so fucking scared.

Shhh. Shhh.

I won't let him hurt you.

I'm not going to let that happen.

RUDY: Finn. Finn!

Finley!

What? What is it?
What's happening?

Have you got any jelly?

Have I got any jelly?

Yeah.

What...?
What do you need jelly for?

I would've thought that was
pretty friggin' obvious. Check that out.

Hi.

Are you gonna...?

Yeah. Repeatedly.
Have you got any jelly or not?

No.

Shit, that's a shame.

Right, well I'll see you...
on the flip side.

See ya up top.

- Uh-uh.
- Come on?

There's no jelly, love.

Oh, my giddy...
I'm having a stroke.

That's it, I'm having it, I'm having it.

Cos I've died
and gone to frigging heaven.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

It's my cock.

How would you like it
if I was bringing girls back

and shagging them in front of you?

I'd fucking love it.

And what about her?
I'm sure she doesn't want me there.

'Ey, she's into all that er, dogging.

I used to think you had to own a dog
to take part in that shit.

I made up this elaborate story
this one time, listen to this,

about a cooker spaniel
by the name of Bobby.

Got crippling arthritis
in his back legs,

had to have the bastards removed,

replaced with a set of wheels.

He was...he was loyal,
he was faithful

and he got me more minge
than you can shake a stick at.

I bloody miss that dog, you know.

You're remembering he...
he didn't actually exist?

Yeah, I know, but certain larger ladies

that gathered at designated
lay-bys and picnic areas,

they did not know that.

We need a system,
for when we bring girls back.

Really? Are you planning on doing that?
Dude, I just assumed

that your cock had withered
and shriveled like a tiny raisin

in the hot Californian sun.

There's no withering or shriveling.

I prefer to think of him as a tiger.

Really?

Well, he hasn't fed for a while,
but he's poised,

ready to pounce.

I just need to find an angle.

Right, here's your angle -
borrow Bobby.

You're offering to lend me
your imaginary dog?

Yes, I bloody well am.

If you were any kind of a man at all,
you'd be over there,

you'd be telling her a heart-breaking
story about a little dog wi' arthritis.

(PHONE RINGS)

You OK?

What?

Wait, wait. Talk slower.

Where are you?

No, just stay there.

What is it?

It came in the post.

He knows where I work.

I have to go away for a while.

Where are you going to go?

I don't know.

Somewhere away from here,
anywhere he can't find me.

What about us?

If I stay, he'll hurt me.

I have to go.

You don't have to.

I'll talk to him.

I'll go see him.

I'll tell him you're with me now.

You think he's going to listen to you?

I'll make him listen.

No,no,no.

You don't know what he's like.

This one time we were in a bar.

He thought this guy was looking at me.

He nearly beat him to death.

If you go round there, he'll kill you.

I ain't going to lose you
cos of this prick.

Where does he live?

I bought it for protection.

No, I ain't going round with no gun.

If he hurt you,
I'd never forgive myself.

Take it.

Please.

I don't want you to get hurt.

He'll lie.

He'll try and turn you against me.

Whatever he says to you...

...you can't trust him.

(LOUD WHIRRING)

Sorry, I'm...

Sorry?

- I was just... Sorry...
- (MACHINE STOPS)

I'm not much company.

What's going on?

Me nan's dog, Bobby.

He had his back legs
amputated yesterday.

Seriously?

Yeah, they just chopped them off,

replaced them with a set of wheels.

Do you want to go
for a drink at the bar later?

I'm not going to the bar.

I don't want to see Alex,
the barman guy.

Right. Good. What a wanker.

Maybe a bit harsh.

I really need someone to talk to
about little Bobby.

I'm not being funny

but I'm probably not the best person
to talk to about dogs.

I hate them,
shitting all over the place and...

I hate the shitting.

Fuckin' shitting little Bobby
with his squeaky little wheels just...

(MIMICS SQUEAKING)

They should just put him down.

Can't you just oil the wheels
to stop them from squeaking?

Well, that would be
the humane thing to do.

(MACHINE STARTS)

Take whatever you want.

I ain't here to rob you.

(GUN CLICKS)

I'm here cos of Lola.

You don't go anywhere near her.
You don't call her.

You don't send her no photos.

If she even sees you,

you even think about hurting her,

I'll fucking kill you.
You hearing me?

I'd never hurt her.

I saw what you did to her.

You're a big man, beating up women.

I didn't touch her.
I wouldn't do that.

(GUN CLICKS)

Don't lie to me!

I wouldn't hurt her. I love her.

Whatever she told you about me,
she's lying.

She's using you.

(GUNSHOT)

(GASPS)

(PANTS)

What happened?

Are you hurt?

It isn't my blood.

Curtis, what happened?

We got into a fight.

He's dead.

What did he say to you?

He said you were using me.

And do you believe him?

I don't know what to believe.

I killed him.

He's fucking dead.

He would have killed both of us.

You did what you had to do.

He can't hurt me any more.

Lola?

(exec-sums)

(PHONE VIBRATES)

It's me. Where are you?

I'm worried about you.

Call me, yeah?

Who is it?

No-one.

I'm looking for Lola.

- It she coming in today?
- I really wouldn't know.

Do you know where she is?

No. And shall I tell you why
I don't know where she is?

Because I've no fucking idea
who you're talking about.

Lola. The trainee probation worker.

There is no trainee probation worker.

Are you on crack?

- Wh-what?!
- Have you been hitting the pipe?

I ain't on no crack.

- So what the fuck are you talking about?
- Nothing.

Forget it.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Fucking crackhead.

I can't be walking in on you
with some girl sitting on your face.

Shit, man.
Did you know they ejaculate?

Honestly, mate,

the bloody female genitalia,
it's like a...

It's like a mystery...
wrapped in an 'airy conundrum.

This stops now.

Honestly, mate,
do not get that shit in your eye.

It stings like a proper bastard.

- Quick... Now then, quick question.
- Mm?

- So, you're sitting on a bloke's face...
- Hmm?

Would you be offended if he insisted
on wearing the safety goggles?

Why would he be wearing
safety goggles? it he a scientist?

He's been shagging a squirter.

- Ejaculate.
- (WHOOSHES)

- What about it?
- Avoid the eyes.

Has any of you seen Lola?

The trainee probation worker.

Do we have a trainee probation worker?

Nobody tells me anything.

I'm outside the loop.

Shush. Listen, if she's cute...
Dude, I saw her first, so legally,

that is first dibs.

You don't even know
who I'm talking about.

Yeah, I do.

I don't. Don't have a fucking clue.
Sorry, man.

The other day, you...
You saw me with her in the bar.

I saw you with some girl.
I've never seen her before.

She's a trainee probation worker,
she works here.

Does she? I didn't even know we had
a trainee probation worker.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Forget it.

I think Curtis is in trouble.

(BUZZER)

(BUZZER)

Curtis!

Curtis, mate, we know you're
in there. We followed you.

Open this door or I am going
to huff and puff

and kick the frigging door down.

C... Curtis!

- Curtis Donovan!
- (BUZZING)

Open this bloody door immediately.

Shut the fuck up

- and stop shouting my name.
- Why?

What are you ashamed
of your name for, mate?

There's far worse names.
There's a kid at my school

called Richard Cheese.

Dick Cheese, innit?
Cos his name's Richard...

Richard - Dick...

Dick Cheese.

So, what's occurring?

I'm sure there's a very funny
story behind this.

And I don't mean...

I don't mean funny
like ha-ha-ha funny, I mean...

In your own time, please, mate.

I killed him.

Shit! Right, that's why you didn't
want me shouting your name.

Consider me up to speed.
Sorry, dude.

I didn't...

I wake up this morning,

Lola's gone.

I talk to all you
and the probation worker.

None of you even know who she is.

This guy's the only other person
who knows anything about her.

You're going to bring him
back to life, aren't you?

What? No! I do not like that, man.
He'll go all zombie on us.

You know what happened
last time, pal.

What happened last time?

We had to kill a shit load
of cheerleaders. And a cat!

I feel so bad about the cat, still.

I'll ask him a few questions
and then....

It's the only way
I can find out who she is.

All right. Gentlemen, would you like
to join me in the kitchen, please?

What's going on?

It's just man talk. We shall keep you
but a moment, sweetheart.

- Gentlemen, shall we, please?
- Such a twat.

What do you want?

Right.

What's your thoughts on letting
the little fella do the clubbing?

"The little fella"?!

(WHISPERS) He's just getting nowhere
with Mary Poppins there.

I just think if she sees him
clubbing some dude to death,

maybe she won't think that he's such
a complete pussy. Look at him.

It's pathetic.

Help him out. Come on.

You sure you're up to this?

You think I can't
club a zombie to death?

You know the little thing at the funfair
with the little furry creatures

that pop up out of the holes
and you have to pop, pop, pop, pop?

Hmm.

Well, I'm a machine.

Shall we?

We shall.

(LAUGHS)

Mmm.

You do know you have to destroy the brain,
right?

Of course I know.

Er, I'm not being funny,
but is he doing the clubbing?

Yes. I'm doing the clubbing.
It that a problem?

(MUFFLED) You know the chipmunks
at the fair?

He's a machine.
Don't worry about it.

Ready?

Ready when you are.

(GASPS)

(ALL GASP)

You...

You shot me.

You died. I...

I brought you back to life.

What the fuck?

Would somebody tell me
what the fuck is going on?

I didn't mean to kill you.
It all got fucked up.

I need to talk to you about Lola.

What, you... You resurrected me?
Seriously?!

Yeah, he's got a power, hasn't he?
It's the storm, mate.

It's always the storm.

I need you to tell me about Lola.

Tell me!

We started seeing each other.

She was in debt with
some loan shark. He beat her up.

He really hurt her. I lost it.

I stabbed him.
I didn't mean to kill him.

And then she disappeared.

She was using me.

(LOUD HEARTBEAT)

Do you know where she lives?

Where does she live?

She had a flat in High Hill.

- What number?
- (HEARTBEAT THUMPING)

Do you hear that?

What is that?

What number flat is it?

68.

Can you hear that? I feel really weird.

- (MOUTHS)
- I know you do, mate.

And here's the kicker. You're a zombie.

What's going on?

Nothing.

A zombie, huh? Now there's something
that doesn't happen every day.

What do you mean, I'm a zombie?

No, don't sweat it.
We're going to fix that for you.

Will somebody tell me
what the fuck is going on?!

- (LIGHT SMASHES)
- Dickhead, where's the fucking light?

- (THUMP)
- Ow! There's me!

Sorry, sorry. I thought it was him!

Where is he?

He's on me! Fucking get him off me!

Where are you?

- Get the lights!
- I can't see the fucking lights!

(CLATTERING)

I'm all right. I'm all right.
Everyone just shut up.

Just calm the fuck down.
Everyone just shut up.

(WHISPERS) Did We get him?

Where the fuck's he gone?

(SCREAMING)

(SHOUTING AND SCREAMING)

Oh, well done, mate. Brilliant, eh?

Whoa. Whoa. All right! Bloody hell.
Boy done good.

Eh? Get in there.
Give on one of them. Spring bet.

All things considering,
I just think that went really well.

Didn't it, eh?

Are we going for a beer or what?

I have to go.

Are you going round there now?
Do you want us to come with you?

No, you're all right.

No problem. Any time.
Just happy to help.

What about you two? Do you want
to come for a beer? He's paying.

I'm going home for a shower.

Hm-hm-hm. Two people...

both in need of a shower.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I doubt it because we're not really...

You weren't thinking
soapy tit wank? Come on!

- No.
- Yeah.

- No.
- I find that very strange.

I'm going now.

You were thinking that. She was.

You prick.

Dude, I'm sorry. Dude.

(HEARTBEATS)

(HEARTBEATS BECOME LOUDER)

(HEARTBEATS)

(GASPS)

(SNARLS)

Mmm, that is good toast.

It's all about the butter distribution.

I hate these tossers who just stick
a big lump of butter in the middle.

What do they think their knife's for?

- Spread it.
- Mm.

- You need to get it right to the edges.
- Morning, my lovelies!

- (BOTH MUMBLE)
- on.

Shit, is that...
That's not marmalade, is it?

- What?
- It's just that yesterday...

...afternoon tea-time...

I might have stuck my cock in that.

(CHUCKLES) The things we do for love, eh?
I tell you what...

I feel sick.

Oh, come on. I'm sure
we'll laugh about this one day.

No, she's gone. She's gone, dude.
'Ey, listen,

Emma the dogger, right,

she says to me, "I fancy something sweet."
All right, so I said...

"I'll just put me cock in Finn's marmalade
and you can suck on that."

Yes, very good, mate. Yes!
It's like you're psychic!

I am never, ever
playing you at Battleships.

Thank you very much.
Jess loved my toast.

Me even butter distribution.

And now it will forever be associated

with the taste of your cock.

You... You've...
You've completely fucked it.

I hate to break it to you but the way
to a girl's heart is not through toast.

It's through inserting your penis
into her vagina, mate.

Fuckin' toast. Dude, honestly,
I'm embarrassed for you, moron.

That's it.
Th-th-that's it.

You're gonna have to
find somewhere else to live.

Wait.

What, so are you breaking up
with me, or something?

- I can't live like this.
- Mate, don't do this. It's...

It reminds me of me dad's parrot,
Bernie.

Called me mum a cunt one year,

and they fell out big time, big row.

And they canceled Christmas, and
everything. I wet my bed for a year, pal.

- We want different things.
- I just...

...thought we had
something special going on.

- We can still be friends.
- No, we can't still be friends!

Because you've made a fool of me, pal!

And, you know,
I don't even want to live with you either.

No, I don't!
I'm gonna find me own place to live,

it's gonna be like Christmas every day.

Jerk! Shit!

(DOOR SLAMS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

My mum died when I was 15.
My dad went to pieces.

He took it out on me.

When I couldn't take the beatings
any more, I ran away.

I met this guy, Jimmy.
I thought he loved me.

Then he started pimping me out.

h' I said no, he'd hurt me.

I didn't have anywhere else to go.

Then something inside me snapped.

I seduced this dealer.

I got him to cut Jimmy's smack
with rat poison.

I sat there and I watched Jimmy die.

I decided I was never going to be
a victim ever again.

I would use men like they used me.

Fuck them, tell them you love
them, they'll do anything for you.

They are so fucking pathetic.

MAN: And cut.

Debbie, that was great.

You really got inside the head
of the character.

Take the DVD home with you.
Watch yourself.

You've got to really want to be Lola.

OK. I'll try.

(THEY GASP)

WOMAN: What is if?

(SCREAMING)

(LIFT BELL DINGS)

Hello, Curtis.

I saw the DVD.

You're an actress.

- What are you talking about?
- All this.

Who you are. It's an act.

It was the storm.
You stayed in character.

This isn't... This isn't you.

Oh, you think you know me? Aw...

You don't know anything.

It's on here.

Lola.

That's your character's name.

Are you trying to blackmail me?

No.

I didn't kill Jake. You did.

(THUDDING HEARTBEATS)

Maybe I should go to the police.
I could tell them what you did.

You're not listening to me!
I'm trying to help you!

You killed a man, Curtis.
Can you live with that?

(SHE GASPS)

You don't understand
what you did to me.

I used you. Deal with it.

I'll fucking kill you.

(LIFT BELL DINGS)

Get away from me!

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

Curtis.

He found me.

What did he do to you?

Show me.

(SOBS)

- I'm gonna kill him.
- (SNIFFS)

(GROANS)

What the fuck?!

Fucking horrible bastard!
Whoa, fucking hell.

Motherfucking no way!

(RUDY SCREAMS)

(WHISTLES Old MacDonald Had A Farm)

What is it?

Me new room is crawling wi' slugs,

and I think one's gone up me anus,
actually.

I tried pouring some salt down there.

And I've... Oh... I've really twisted...
Me neck's killing.

Me arsehole stings like a bastard.

I'm not sure it's designed
to have salt up it.

Will you let me
move back in wi' you, please?

I promise I'll behave myself.
I just... l j...

I just can't sleep on me own.

I miss you.

I miss you too.

- Do you?
- Yeah.

Buzzin'. Eh?

(RUDY SNORTS AND CHUCKLES)

Can you come and help me
shit this slug out, man?

No.

(SQUEAKS)

Man, don't look at me like that.

- What, you think I like this?
- (SQUEAKS)

- Well, fuck you. It's not my fault.
- (WHISTLING)

- (CRASH)
- (SQUEAK)

- What was that?
- What?

There was a metallic bang
followed by an animalistic squeak.

- (LOCKER DOOR BANGS)
- (CURTIS SQUEAKS)

That?

Er, that was...

- ...that was me.
- Are you taking the piss?

Oh, you like to squeal?

I'll make you squeal.

I'll make you squeal
like you're a cute little piglet...

...that's being raped by a bear.

(SQUEAKING)

- (HEARTBEATS)
- What was that?

Were you sniffing me?

Errn...

I find you very attractive.

You're so butch...

...and angry.

I like that.

You're a very attractive young man,
but I'm your probation worker.

Some things
were just not meant to be.

It is a cruel and bitter world.

(SQUEAKING)

Where are you, you little shit? Come on!

(WHISTLES)

Fuck! Oh, for... Fucking hell!

Dude, you're a fucking zombie,
Curtis! Shit!

Well, shit, have you got any thoughts

on how you might want to...
deal with this one? Fuck!

I've snacked up.

I ain't gonna bite you.

- Are you sure, mate?
- I've fed.

Shit!

Curtis, man. You're a fuckin' zombie.

You can't tell the others.

We're gonna have
to cave his skull in, guys.

It's Curtis. We can't kill him.
There must be something we can do.

That's what they said
about the Apollo 13 mission.

No, wait, hang on. No.

(CHUCKLES)

It turns out there was...
there was something they could do.

Which is why this, mate,

our situation, is nothing like
the Apollo 13 mission to the moon.

It's far worse!

Look, Curtis is a fuckin' mate.

But what needs to be done...

...needs to be done.

No. Nah.

- Yes.
- He's right.

We have to kill him before
he infects us or someone else.

It's either that
or we spend the rest of our short lives

living in a post-apocalyptic,
zombie-infested nightmare world.

And it's shit enough round here as it is.

So how do we do this? How do we
decide who does the skull-caving?

Cos I done the last guy, so that's
my skull-caving done for the week.

You're not pussying out of this.

That's not what I was trying to do.
Not at all.

Hey, not even a hint of pussy.

Horrible, grievous...

...mate-killing situations like these
are exactly why God invented straws.

#A...

# Against terrible odds... #

I ain't gonna bite you.

You tell the others?

No. I'm shocked, mate,
that you would...

They're gutted for you.

The little fella's in bits.

I can't stop thinking about Lola.

I know I should be angry with her,

but she doesn't know what she's doing.

That fuckin' storm.
I need to try and help her.

Make her watch the DVD. I...

I need to do something while I still can.

ON. No, no, no...

I'm all right. I'm all right.

(CHUCKLES) It that a hammer?

What the bloody hell is that doing?
It's raining bloody hammers.

Whatever next?! Fuck.

Mate, it's nothing personal.
I drew the short straw, didn't I?

Get out.

(swans FLY OFF)

Whatever she's told you about me...

...it's bullshit.

She's using you.

I killed a guy for her.

She tell you that?

She didn't, did she?

I'm gonna turn round.

I just wanna talk.

I saw what you did to her.

I never touched her.

This isn't her.

She's acting. She's playing a part.

It was the storm.
You know about the storm, right?

I'm not gonna let you hurt her again.

She's lying.

She's using you. I never hurt her.

(WHISPERS) Oh, fuck. I can't do this.

(GUNSHOT)

Don't do this.

This isn't who you are.

Lola, you have to listen to me.

You shot me?

Curtis shot you.

You shot each other.

At least that's how it's going to look.

No!

(GASPS)

Guns?

I'm sorry.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hiya, mate. How you doin'?

You mean apart from being a zombie?

Fuck.

He's still a zombie.

Where are you, man?
We'd...we'd love to have a little chat,

lust...

talk through these options, eh?

The way I see it...

...there's only one option.

I'm really sorry
it's come down to this, mate.

None of us chose this shit.

Are you sure we can't...

...manufacture some sort of
an happy ending?

Cos, you know...
you know I love them happy endings. Ha...

There ain't no happy endings.

It's zombie noir, innit?

We could go for a pint.

Just me and you -
two boring old fuckers -

and talk about the good old days.

We'll just have one last pint, eh?

It's better this way.

Take care of yourself, yeah?

# .../ already know... #

(GUNSHOT)

# ...Already know

# How this will end... #

I was looking for Dan Woollaston.

That's my dad.

I think he might be my dad, too.

Do you really think
you can have a relationship

with some guy
you've never even met before?

He's me dad.

Do you want to tell me
what we're doing here?

This guy, Alex, has got a date
with a friend of mine,

and we're finding out if he's gay.

Why?

So I can completely destroy
his relationship with Jess

before it's even started.

I think he's paying him for sex.

There's something I need to ask you.

Please don't fuck me sister.

I'm genetically programmed
to fuck people's sisters.

You think this is what I expected
when I went looking for me dad?!