Misfits (2009–2013): Season 4, Episode 1 - Episode #4.1 - full transcript
After Alisha was tragically murdered in last season's final episode, and Simon traveled back in time to when he sacrificed his life to save hers, Curtis and Rudy continue their community service. Seth returns to pick up Kelly's belongings, as they have decided to move to Africa after a visit where Kelly realized she could use her power to deconstruct land mines. Two new offenders join the community service team: Jess, who has X-ray vision, and Finn, who is a telekinetic. The new offenders quickly realize something is not right. Rudy, Curtis, and Seth (and eventually Jess and Finn), have been infected with some sort of virus after a badly hurt man, with a briefcase handcuffed to him, stumbles into the community center and collapses at their feet. The group becomes so obsessed with obtaining the briefcase, that they're ready to murder each other over it. Finally, as the group tries to get the briefcase from Finn on the roof, the hurt man lunges for it and falls to his death, ending the virus. The new probation officer finally arrives, and is creepy and, possibly psychotic. Finn goes home, and we see that he has a girl bound and gagged in his flat.
(HEAVY ROCK MUSIC)
- Give me the motherfucking case!
- Back off! Stay back!
Give me the case. I swear to God
I will cave your fucking skull in!
- I'm gonna saw your fucking legs off...
- (CHAINSAW STALLS)
- Oh, for fuck's sake!
- Me and you, we're friends.
We bonded...
like the end of Titanic, remember?
Come on...
- (SHOUTS) Give me the case!
- Fuck the end of Titanic.
Fuck Kate! Fuck Leo!
- Fuck you!
- (CHAINSAW STARTS)
(ALL SHOUT AT ONCE)
Give me that fucking case!
Don't.
What?
Make small talk. I hate small talk.
Me, too.
Hate the small talkers.
Like me mum.
What a twat.
That was probably a bit harsh.
She can't help it.
Not since the stroke.
That was a joke.
Me mum hasn't had a stroke.
She did recently
have a hysterectomy.
Not a whole lot of laughs that week.
Oh, my God. The crying!
(RASPING VOICE)
"They took me womanhood..."
I was like, "Mum!
"Spare me the graphic
biological details."
(CHUCKLES)
Did they tell you nine o'clock?
Cos they said nine to me.
# These arms of mine
# They are lonely... #
(CLICKS ON MOUSE)
WOMAN ON PC:
Oh, yes! Fuck me harder!
Oh, yes, I like it when you do that.
(GASPS AND MOANS)
(DOOR OPENS)
(MOANING STOPS)
Who are you?
We're here for our community service.
Who are you?
I am your probation worker.
WOMAN: Fuck this tight little asshole!
That's not...
That is just wrong.
That is not how...
That's not how God intended it.
Bloody spam e-mails. Deleted.
- WOMAN: Oh, yes!
- Wow.
- WOMAN: Oh, it's so hard!
- (MUMBLES)
This is repulsive. Some of the stuff...
WOMAN: Oh, yes! My shit tastes
so good on your cock!
Somebody's daughter!
Want a nacho?
(SIGHS)
This isn't going to end well for ya.
You've already lost a hand.
There's only so many limbs
a guy can do without.
Give me the combination
for the briefcase...
...and we can all go home
and have a nice cup of tea.
Fuck you.
(PHONE VIBRATES)
What?
I think we might have a problem.
(HEAVY ROCK MUSIC)
(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)
it The city breathing, the people churning
it The conversating
# The price is what?
It The conversating
# This place is heaven
# And if you see them
# They say what? #
They show up here the day
after we get the briefcase.
They're not on community service.
It's bullshit.
I'm all over it.
Those poor, deluded fools
are under the misguided belief
that I am their probation worker.
Turns out that I am quite the actor.
Brilliant.
See if the briefcase guy
knows anything about 'em.
He's a stubborn bastard,
I'll give him that.
Right, well, you let me know
if you want me to come round there
and squidge his bollocks
with a pair of pliers for him, eh?
(CLANG)
(CLANGING CONTINUES)
(CLANGING)
Shit.
Fuck!
Bastard.
(GROANS)
What are you doing?
L---
lam... I am... I am looking
for a...for a sandwich
that I put it in one of these lockers
for safekeeping,
but I'll be buggered
if I can remember which one it's in.
I bloody hate it
when I misplace a sandwich!
Me, too. It's extremely upsetting.
What kind of sandwich was it?
It was cheese.
It was a cheese sandwich.
Perhaps a mouse ate it.
Those furry little bastards
do love a bit of cheese.
They do. Bloody mice.
Hmm.
Now you'll have to excuse me, though,
cos I have very important
probation-worker business to attend to...
...for I am a probation worker.
Shit!
Just put that back on there.
Safety is very important.
(CLATTER)
That's...
poor craftsmanship, that is.
(KEYS JANGLE)
Shut up! Stop making me out
to be the bad guy.
This is a situation
entirely of your own making.
Your bollocks are going to
freeze into little hairy ice cubes
unless you tell me where that case is.
I'm taking that as well.
A Cornetto.
No Cornetto for you, mate.
You know how you said
this was a weird setup?
So it turns out the probation worker
has someone locked in a freezer.
Why would anyone hold someone
captive in a freezer?
I'm sure there's a perfectly
reasonable explanation for it.
OK. You give me a perfectly
reasonable explanation
for locking someone in a freezer.
Do we need to get involved?
What if we pretend
you didn't see it?
How's that sitting with you?
Cos...that feels good to me.
(KEYS JANGLE)
I was just getting a Bounty.
Whereas I am eating a Cornetto...
for I am a probation worker
and that is what we eat.
We need to get that guy
out of the freezer.
(ROCK MUSIC)
Ring-a-ding, ding, ding!
(CHAINSAW FAILS TO START)
Bitch!
(ALARM BELL RINGS)
That's a definite
ball-tightening moment.
(GROANS)
- What's going on?
- Well, either there's a fire,
or someone 'vs attempting
to fuck w'? us. Stay w'? mm.
(GROANS)
(GASPS)
The question is,
how much is a bollock worth to you?
Fuck you.
- (GROANS)
- What was that? That didn't sound good.
Shit!
(ALARM STOPS)
OK, so the probation worker
keeps a guy locked in a freezer.
It's certainly unusual.
Is he dead?
He looks dead.
If we go now, we can still catch
the start of Countdown.
- Who are you?
- What?
He sent you, didn't he?
Where's the briefcase?
Where's the case?!
I don't know. I don't know
anything about any case!
You're welcome(!)
This is why
you should never get involved.
Not so much as a thank you.
You've let him out! Jesus!
You shouldn't have done that!
What the fuck is going on?
Imagine the bloke in the freezer
is a giant shit,
and over here
we have a great big fan.
Shit, and then you've got the fan...
Spl-rrrt!
I'm going to level with you.
Hmm?
So prepare to be shocked, huh?
Surprised...
and more than a little bit amazed.
For I am not, in fact,
your probation worker. Pfff!
Really?
No shit?
You should think about becoming an actor.
I know! I know.
I know. Just check this out.
The truth is,
like you.
I am also on community service.
It all started yesterday.
There we were, we were all gathered
around the vending machine
after another
arse-numbingly boring day.
Our mate Seth
had just come back from Africa
and he had quite a story to tell.
...so we end up traveling to Uganda.
And we're in this village and some
kid wanders into a minefield,
ends up standing on a mine.
If he moves, he's dead.
Kelly marches over, does her rocket
science thing and defuses the mine.
Kelly?
- She defused a mine?
- The villagers love her out there, man.
- They're all singing and dancing...
- Nachos...
...or a Twix?
Sweet and savoury -
it's man's eternal dilemma.
So, anyway,
I'm just back to get our stuff.
Kelly's fucking off
her community service.
We're going to stay out there
and...defuse landmines.
She's not coming back.
- Who?
- Kelly.
What?!
She's not coming...?
When was this decided?
Do we not...? I mean,
do we get a say in any...?
I am shocked and I am reeling.
I'm going to get some chocolate
because I'm very upset.
(DOOR SLAMS OPEN)
Dude? You all right, mate?
They're all after it.
It's my money...
So this money he's talking about
must be in the briefcase.
It's got a combination lock.
Can we not just get a bloody big hammer
and a chisel, bust it open?
If you open it without the combination,
it activates one of these dye-pack things.
It stains the money. It's unusable.
Since when did you become
such a bloody expert?
I watch a lot of heist movies.
I can't get into them.
There's too many twists and turns.
I like a nice,
straightforward Western.
There must be a key
for those handcuffs.
(MAN GASPS)
- (GROANS)
- Shut up.
Oh...
I've got a brilliant idea.
Why don't you two go home, hmm?
Kick back, just chill out.
I'll selflessly stay here. I'm gonna
take care of our injured friend.
Just call me Nurse Rudy. (CHUCKLES)
He's a big guy.
If he needs a crap, it'll take two of us
to take him to the toilet.
Why don't I stay here
and give you a hand?
Really?
It's cool. I'll just let him
shit his pants.
I was trained by
St John's fuckin' Ambulance
so, if anyone's staying,
I should stay.
Well, that settles it, then.
It's a sleepover, isn't it?
RUDY: Excalibur...
- Stop making me do things...
- (RHYTHMIC SHUFFLING)
...that I don't want to do.
Ohh! Goodness me.
Are you knocking one out?
No.
It's just a quick cheeky one,
get me to sleep.
I have to feed the monster, man.
Tell him.
It's a sedative, innit?
Just hurry up and finish, man.
(SHUFFLING QUICKENS)
RUDY: Fucking...Barbara! (GROANS)
You are going to go blind.
That's what me old headmaster,
Mr Gibbons, used to say to me,
until some nasty little shit
threw sulphuric acid into his face.
Who's laughing - and seeing - now?
Cos it's not him.
Just get on with it,
you silly little prick!
Whoa! I'm a storyteller, love.
I'm merely trying to paint a vivid picture
for me audience here.
Where's the briefcase? Which
one of you fuckers took the case?!
I don't know anything about it.
How do we know you didn't take the case?
Cos I know what I did and didn't do,
and I know I didn't take the case.
It was you, wasn't it?
So, you think I've crept in here
in the middle of the night
while you were sleeping
and I've cut his hand off with a hacksaw?
- I think that's exactly what you did.
- Do you? All right, then, genius.
If I took the case,
then why am I still here?
Sorry, what? What was that?
Not as clever as you think, are you?
Smackdown!
You're still here because you need
the combination to the briefcase,
and this guy is the only one who has it.
All right, yeah, that's a good point.
So, whoever did take the case
is probably close by waiting for
Stumpy to regain consciousness.
- Also true.
- We need to search the community centre.
Oh, you beat me to it.
I was just about to say that.
It was Seth.
He took the case, didn't he?
Why do you say that?
I can feel it in my nut sac.
You know what he's like.
He's sneaky and he's underhand.
And he makes cruel jokes about you
behind your back.
He's all this.
(AS SETH) His cock's like
a little fuckin' slug.
- Did he... Did he say that?
- Mm-hm.
What? Has he seen...
Has he seen my cock?
Well, what are you saying?
I'm saying we should drug his drink
and lock him in the freezer
until he tells us where the briefcase is.
So, you were going to drug
this guy Seth, but it was Curtis...
He was the one in the freezer?
You seem just as obsessed with the
briefcase as the others. This is bullshit.
All right, you've...
you've got me. Busted.
I believe I am
what is commonly referred to
as an unreliable narrator. Mmm?
See, Curtis was right.
I did sneak out
in the middle of the night
white they were dreaming
their happy little dreams.
Fucking hell!
Fuck it!
(MUFFLED HOWLS)
(MUFFLED GRUNTS)
Ohhh...
(WHISTLES TUNE)
Bingo!
(CRASH)
So, having gone to investigate
the mysterious noise,
I returned to the room...
only to find...
that the case had vanished.
Fuck!
So, I go back to sleep...
Well, I slipped in
a cheeky little sunrise wank.
...and then I acted all dumb,
yeah? Innocent.
And do you know what?
You were right, mate.
It wasn't me and Curtis having
a little chat by the vending machine.
It was me and Seth.
It was Curtis. He's the one
who took the case, isn't he?
- Why do you say that?
- I can feel it in my nut sac.
You know what he's like.
He is sneaky and he's underhand.
And he makes cruel jokes about
your girlfriend behind her back.
It's all this.
(AS CURTIS) Her mouth is so massive,
the only way you can shut her up
is to wedge one of her tits
in there, innit?
- He said that about Kelly?
- Huh...
Two-faced bastard.
So, what are you saying?
I'm saying we should drug his drink
and lock him in the freezer
until he tells us where the briefcase is.
Beverage?
How sneaky am I, eh?
Shame on me.
See, I think Curtis was in cahoots...
"Cahoots" is a great word.
I think Curtis was in cahoots
with two other people,
who just so happen to conveniently turn up
at the community centre
this morning
wearing their orange jumpsuits,
claiming they're on community service.
Can you see where I'm going wi' all this?
You lost me at "cahoots".
Unbelievable.
He's spiked our drinks.
No!
(GLASS SMASHES)
When was this?
Let's not beat ourselves up about it.
I mean, I have... I've bamboozled you
wi' me devious cunning,
for I have been spinning you a yarn
this whole time,
just waiting for the drugs to kick in,
which should be right about now-ish.
Easy.
Go with it. Just let it wash over you.
It's like a gentle autumn breeze.
Ooh... Eh?
Sleepy-time for Bobos.
(SHE GASPS)
What the fuck?!
Who is that? Is that you?
Of course it's me! Who else would it be?
Oh, my God. What's that?
There's something moving in me hand.
That's my tit!
Oh, sorry.
Just stop touching my tits!
I was trying to find me phone.
It's not in my bra!
- There's no signal. You?
- Never when you really need it.
(SHOUTS) Help! Help!
Shh.
Hey. Relax.
He's just messing with us.
This is probably all part of
some elaborate initiation ritual,
you know,
like in those posh private schools
where they toast crumpets
and eat each other's shit?
You are so naive.
You're a pedophile's wet dream.
"Hey, little boy. Do you want
to come with me into the bushes
"and suck on
my cock-shaped lollipop?"
What?
Wasn't in the bushes.
It was at me uncle's house.
He had this...
big, old house in the country.
It was surrounded by cornfields.
It was beautiful.
I used to stay there in the summer
when I was a kid.
Every night,
me uncle came to my room.
I can still feel him on top of me...
...the smell of whisky
and cigarettes on his breath...
After he raped me...
I'd feel his tears
falling on me face...
...like salty rain.
(SNIFFS)
I'm joking.
You prick!
- I thought you were being serious.
- Ow! Jesus!
- You dick! Why would you do that?
- I was trying to lighten the mood.
You think a story about you getting
horribly raped by your uncle
is going to lighten the mood?
I'm just saying. It could be worse.
You could be locked in a freezer
with me imaginary rapist uncle.
Suddenly,
things don't seem quite so bad.
(SHOUTS) Help! Help!
I've done both bollocks,
a couple of fingers and his bell-end.
What did he say?
He said "ouch" and "fuck you".
So, what do we do with him?
Put him on ice
until he's ready to talk.
Is it just me, or is it reminding you
of the end of Titanic?
I'm going to die in a freezer
on my first day of community service.
I thought I'd have kids,
grow old and ugly.
I'd die in my sleep
with all my family around me.
I always thought I'd die in a car crash.
A silver Mercedes 300 SL Gullwing.
I'm off me head
on prescription painkillers.
Just finished getting sucked off
by Angelina Jolie.
I open me eyes and bang!
I hit a tree, a big fuck-off oak tree,
on top of a hill, looking out at the sea.
Angelina lives,
but she's horribly disfigured.
Sadie?
Who's Sadie?
Me dog.
If I die, who's going to feed me dog?
(EXHALES SLOWLY)
Are you (dying?
I... I really need a wee.
I have a small bladder.
Don't mind me, if you want to...
I'm not going to piss myself
in front of you.
What if we piss ourselves
in front of each other?
There's no shame in that.
Do you want to freestyle
or do you want to synchronize?
On the count of three?
Oh, this can't be happening.
Are you pissing in your pants
or are you getting it out?
- I'll be pissing in my pants.
- OK!
I'm going to just...
- There he is.
- (ZIP)
All right?
Here we go. On three...
Will you please just shut the fuck up
and let me piss myself?
OK.
(HALTING SPLASHES)
I really hope you don't need a shit.
WOMAN: What are you doing?!
(SCREAMS)
We don't know anything about
any briefcase!
MAN: We just want to go home
and watch Countdown!
I've got a dog!
We're going to die in here.
What if they really are
two innocent young offenders
who just showed up here this morning
to do their community service?
I believe you'll find
there's no such thing
as an innocent young offender, is there?
Guilty!
Fuck 'em.
- Who is he?
- He must be the guy with the case.
Jesus, get it off me! You just
touched me face with his stump!
Don't be such a baby. It was an accident.
It touched me mouth.
That's how people get AIDS.
Yeah, there's other ways, too.
Like sharing needles
and fucking monkeys.
Who are you?
We're on community service.
Where's my case?
We don't know anything
about your briefcase.
We show up here this morning, hmm?
This guy pretends to be
our probation worker.
He tells us this crazy story,
then he drugs us
and locks us in a freezer.
So, why don't you tell us
what the fuck is going on?
You can entertain us
while we all slowly freeze to death.
Before all this shit started...
...me and the guys I used to run with...
we just robbed a case full of cash
from some diamond dealer.
We were just about to diwy up the cash.
I'm sitting there
and I'm looking at the money,
and I just know I don't want to share it.
- (THUD)
- (GROAN)
You move in that world long enough,
it gets so you don't care
who you screw over.
ti Finished with my woman
# Cos she couldn't help me with my mind
it People think I'm insane
# Because I am frowning all the time... #
(THUNDER CRASHES)
Next thing I know is,
I'm lying on the ground.
Ever since then,
people have been trying
to take the money off me.
People go crazy.
(GROANS)
It's like...
I infected them.
I lost...
...everyone I ever cared about.
So, I wonder where the case is.
Why are you suddenly so interested?
- Are you infected?
- No. What about you?
Look at him. He's dying and frozen.
It's obviously not working any more.
Obviously.
So, via a scientific process
of elimination,
I have established that Curtis...
...he must have that case.
But we've got the guy
who knows the combination.
Checkmate.
Stalemate?
Well, that's the same difference,
isn't it? Really?
So, what do you say me and you team up,
kill Curtis, split the cash?
Curtis is a dick.
You?
You're different.
I've always admired and respected you.
Am I shocked?
Not really.
Dude, do you...
do you think my cock looks like
a tiny little slug?
(LAUGHS)
I think you have
a fucking beautiful penis.
Thanks, mate.
I am strangely blessed.
Do you know what? I like you.
I like you a lot.
We should be best mates.
Ohh. We are so in tune, it's scary.
We're like one cock with two minds.
I love you, man.
Welling up a bit there.
I love you, too.
Do you want to hug it out,
or summat?
- Yeah.
- Banging.
(GASPS)
This is...
I'm loving this.
Me, too.
It is a bit awkward
cos you were quite complimentary
about my penis back there.
You should probably know...
that I've spiked your drink.
And you should also know...
...that I didn't drink it.
(THUD)
(WHISPERS) What in the name of Jesus
have you got yourself mixed up in
this time?
You've just been knocked unconscious
with an 'ole punch.
When we get out this freezer,
we should team up, kill those fuckers
and take the case.
Definitely.
(CHAINS RATTLE)
Let's do this.
Hiya.
(GROANS)
- I'm here to rescue you.
- Rescue us?!
We nearly died in there, you dick!
- Kick him again.
- Wait, wait!
I am not the guy
who locked you in the freezer.
Come on, even I don't believe that,
and I can be incredibly naive.
It was the other me.
Yeah.
He's like me twin.
Sort of. It was the storm.
You know about the storm, don't you?
Maybe.
OK. If you're not the guy that
locked us in the freezer, prove it.
I know where the briefcase is.
She pissed in her pants.
Mm-hm.
I wasn't even here yesterday.
I was cleaning our flat.
Well, the other Rudy's not going to do it,
is he?
And then, when he didn't come back,
that's when I went looking for him.
(WHINING) Please...
- (WHISTLES TUNE)
- (SAWING)
(GROANING AND GURGLING)
- (SAWING)
- (CRUNCHING)
Bingo!
- (THUD)
- Oh...
(DOOR SLAMS)
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(MUFFLED GROANS)
(ROCK MUSIC)
So, since then,
I've been watching 'em,
just trying to work out
what the hell's been going on.
It's the guy in the freezer.
He's infected them.
They'll do anything to get
their hands on the money in the case.
- How do we stop it?
- I don't know.
Maybe you have to kill
the guy in the freezer.
You were in the freezer with him.
- We're OK.
- Because he was dying?
- And frozen.
- Which cancels the whole thing out?
Obviously.
I'm taking the case.
Don't make me hurt you.
Oh, yeah? You think you're the only one
with a power around here?
Shit.
I think you've got something
that belongs to me.
I am taking that case.
Yeah? Well, the man with the bloody
big chainsaw begs to differ.
You dirty little...
Give me that fucking case!
(CHAINSAW ROARS)
- Give me the motherfucking case!
- Back off! Stay back!
Give me the case. I swear to God
I'll cave your fucking skull in.
- I'm gonna saw your fucking legs off...
- (CHAINSAW STALLS)
- Oh, shit!
- Me and you, we're friends.
We bonded, like the end of Titanic,
remember? So, come on,
give me the case.
- Fuck the end of Titanic!
(ALL SHOUT AT ONCE)
Money!
Fuck off, bitch.
(SCREAMS)
(CHAINSAW SPLUTTERS)
(GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
My money...
That were intense, weren't it?
What the fuck was all that about?
It was the guy with the case.
He infected us with some kind of power.
Ohh. It's the storm.
It's always the storm.
And what's your story?
BOTH: We're new.
Eh? How about that, then?
That's quite the tale, that is.
Took twists and turns, didn't it?
New powers.
A hint of...sexual possibilities.
Tears, laughter,
horribly graphic violence.
Oh, mate, mutilated testicles! (CHUCKLES)
Yes, mm-mm-mm!
Something for all the family.
Who are you?
I'm your new probation worker.
How do we know you're not just someone
impersonating a probation worker?
Why would someone
impersonate a probation worker?
Cor, I have no idea.
(SCOFFS)
I mean, well, I certainly never have
and never would, because...
Well, because I've got too much
respect for that badge.
Is it OK if I leave early?
I've got a dog at home.
I need to let her out for a shit.
Have you heard the one
about the guy who left
his community service early
to let his dog out for a shit?
No.
And his probation worker...
Goon
He hunted him down...
...he pinned him to the floor...
...and he fed him
the dog shit with a teaspoon.
I'm sure she can wait.
You cross me...
...and I will fuck you like
you have never been fucked before.
You will feel like you have been
fucked by a train.
(MIMICS STEAM TRAIN)
I think we'll get along great. And you...
I really like you.
Pfff! Whatever.
Are probation workers always
that fucking creepy?
That's definitely new.
Why did he single me out?
Why me?
Well, don't sweat it, man.
Chances are he'll be dead
by t'end of week.
(# KIMBRA: Good Intent)
# You heard the crickets
of the early eve
# They lurk around the opening
in twos and threes
# Clementine told you not to move
with the breeze
# I'll take you down to places
where we dare not speak
# The red light in the doorway... #
Sadie?
I'm home.
You're not going to believe
the day I've had.
It was totally insane.
I mean, off the scale.
How was your day?
Tell you what,
why don't I make us a sandwich,
and I'll, er, tell you all about it?
This is a sculpting class,
and you will be their models.
They might not be able to see you,
but l can.
- I think I'm supposed to feel your face.
- Go for it.
Try and get your stinking little fingers
into her lovely creamy knickers.
There ain't no law against shagging
beautiful blind girls.
There is a law!
There's a law. It's called Rudy's law.
RUDY: He's got this room,
he keeps it locked.
I keep hearing all this talking
through the door.
I like to shit in a bucket.
Hello?
I don't want to keep you like this
any longer than I have to.
- Give me the motherfucking case!
- Back off! Stay back!
Give me the case. I swear to God
I will cave your fucking skull in!
- I'm gonna saw your fucking legs off...
- (CHAINSAW STALLS)
- Oh, for fuck's sake!
- Me and you, we're friends.
We bonded...
like the end of Titanic, remember?
Come on...
- (SHOUTS) Give me the case!
- Fuck the end of Titanic.
Fuck Kate! Fuck Leo!
- Fuck you!
- (CHAINSAW STARTS)
(ALL SHOUT AT ONCE)
Give me that fucking case!
Don't.
What?
Make small talk. I hate small talk.
Me, too.
Hate the small talkers.
Like me mum.
What a twat.
That was probably a bit harsh.
She can't help it.
Not since the stroke.
That was a joke.
Me mum hasn't had a stroke.
She did recently
have a hysterectomy.
Not a whole lot of laughs that week.
Oh, my God. The crying!
(RASPING VOICE)
"They took me womanhood..."
I was like, "Mum!
"Spare me the graphic
biological details."
(CHUCKLES)
Did they tell you nine o'clock?
Cos they said nine to me.
# These arms of mine
# They are lonely... #
(CLICKS ON MOUSE)
WOMAN ON PC:
Oh, yes! Fuck me harder!
Oh, yes, I like it when you do that.
(GASPS AND MOANS)
(DOOR OPENS)
(MOANING STOPS)
Who are you?
We're here for our community service.
Who are you?
I am your probation worker.
WOMAN: Fuck this tight little asshole!
That's not...
That is just wrong.
That is not how...
That's not how God intended it.
Bloody spam e-mails. Deleted.
- WOMAN: Oh, yes!
- Wow.
- WOMAN: Oh, it's so hard!
- (MUMBLES)
This is repulsive. Some of the stuff...
WOMAN: Oh, yes! My shit tastes
so good on your cock!
Somebody's daughter!
Want a nacho?
(SIGHS)
This isn't going to end well for ya.
You've already lost a hand.
There's only so many limbs
a guy can do without.
Give me the combination
for the briefcase...
...and we can all go home
and have a nice cup of tea.
Fuck you.
(PHONE VIBRATES)
What?
I think we might have a problem.
(HEAVY ROCK MUSIC)
(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)
it The city breathing, the people churning
it The conversating
# The price is what?
It The conversating
# This place is heaven
# And if you see them
# They say what? #
They show up here the day
after we get the briefcase.
They're not on community service.
It's bullshit.
I'm all over it.
Those poor, deluded fools
are under the misguided belief
that I am their probation worker.
Turns out that I am quite the actor.
Brilliant.
See if the briefcase guy
knows anything about 'em.
He's a stubborn bastard,
I'll give him that.
Right, well, you let me know
if you want me to come round there
and squidge his bollocks
with a pair of pliers for him, eh?
(CLANG)
(CLANGING CONTINUES)
(CLANGING)
Shit.
Fuck!
Bastard.
(GROANS)
What are you doing?
L---
lam... I am... I am looking
for a...for a sandwich
that I put it in one of these lockers
for safekeeping,
but I'll be buggered
if I can remember which one it's in.
I bloody hate it
when I misplace a sandwich!
Me, too. It's extremely upsetting.
What kind of sandwich was it?
It was cheese.
It was a cheese sandwich.
Perhaps a mouse ate it.
Those furry little bastards
do love a bit of cheese.
They do. Bloody mice.
Hmm.
Now you'll have to excuse me, though,
cos I have very important
probation-worker business to attend to...
...for I am a probation worker.
Shit!
Just put that back on there.
Safety is very important.
(CLATTER)
That's...
poor craftsmanship, that is.
(KEYS JANGLE)
Shut up! Stop making me out
to be the bad guy.
This is a situation
entirely of your own making.
Your bollocks are going to
freeze into little hairy ice cubes
unless you tell me where that case is.
I'm taking that as well.
A Cornetto.
No Cornetto for you, mate.
You know how you said
this was a weird setup?
So it turns out the probation worker
has someone locked in a freezer.
Why would anyone hold someone
captive in a freezer?
I'm sure there's a perfectly
reasonable explanation for it.
OK. You give me a perfectly
reasonable explanation
for locking someone in a freezer.
Do we need to get involved?
What if we pretend
you didn't see it?
How's that sitting with you?
Cos...that feels good to me.
(KEYS JANGLE)
I was just getting a Bounty.
Whereas I am eating a Cornetto...
for I am a probation worker
and that is what we eat.
We need to get that guy
out of the freezer.
(ROCK MUSIC)
Ring-a-ding, ding, ding!
(CHAINSAW FAILS TO START)
Bitch!
(ALARM BELL RINGS)
That's a definite
ball-tightening moment.
(GROANS)
- What's going on?
- Well, either there's a fire,
or someone 'vs attempting
to fuck w'? us. Stay w'? mm.
(GROANS)
(GASPS)
The question is,
how much is a bollock worth to you?
Fuck you.
- (GROANS)
- What was that? That didn't sound good.
Shit!
(ALARM STOPS)
OK, so the probation worker
keeps a guy locked in a freezer.
It's certainly unusual.
Is he dead?
He looks dead.
If we go now, we can still catch
the start of Countdown.
- Who are you?
- What?
He sent you, didn't he?
Where's the briefcase?
Where's the case?!
I don't know. I don't know
anything about any case!
You're welcome(!)
This is why
you should never get involved.
Not so much as a thank you.
You've let him out! Jesus!
You shouldn't have done that!
What the fuck is going on?
Imagine the bloke in the freezer
is a giant shit,
and over here
we have a great big fan.
Shit, and then you've got the fan...
Spl-rrrt!
I'm going to level with you.
Hmm?
So prepare to be shocked, huh?
Surprised...
and more than a little bit amazed.
For I am not, in fact,
your probation worker. Pfff!
Really?
No shit?
You should think about becoming an actor.
I know! I know.
I know. Just check this out.
The truth is,
like you.
I am also on community service.
It all started yesterday.
There we were, we were all gathered
around the vending machine
after another
arse-numbingly boring day.
Our mate Seth
had just come back from Africa
and he had quite a story to tell.
...so we end up traveling to Uganda.
And we're in this village and some
kid wanders into a minefield,
ends up standing on a mine.
If he moves, he's dead.
Kelly marches over, does her rocket
science thing and defuses the mine.
Kelly?
- She defused a mine?
- The villagers love her out there, man.
- They're all singing and dancing...
- Nachos...
...or a Twix?
Sweet and savoury -
it's man's eternal dilemma.
So, anyway,
I'm just back to get our stuff.
Kelly's fucking off
her community service.
We're going to stay out there
and...defuse landmines.
She's not coming back.
- Who?
- Kelly.
What?!
She's not coming...?
When was this decided?
Do we not...? I mean,
do we get a say in any...?
I am shocked and I am reeling.
I'm going to get some chocolate
because I'm very upset.
(DOOR SLAMS OPEN)
Dude? You all right, mate?
They're all after it.
It's my money...
So this money he's talking about
must be in the briefcase.
It's got a combination lock.
Can we not just get a bloody big hammer
and a chisel, bust it open?
If you open it without the combination,
it activates one of these dye-pack things.
It stains the money. It's unusable.
Since when did you become
such a bloody expert?
I watch a lot of heist movies.
I can't get into them.
There's too many twists and turns.
I like a nice,
straightforward Western.
There must be a key
for those handcuffs.
(MAN GASPS)
- (GROANS)
- Shut up.
Oh...
I've got a brilliant idea.
Why don't you two go home, hmm?
Kick back, just chill out.
I'll selflessly stay here. I'm gonna
take care of our injured friend.
Just call me Nurse Rudy. (CHUCKLES)
He's a big guy.
If he needs a crap, it'll take two of us
to take him to the toilet.
Why don't I stay here
and give you a hand?
Really?
It's cool. I'll just let him
shit his pants.
I was trained by
St John's fuckin' Ambulance
so, if anyone's staying,
I should stay.
Well, that settles it, then.
It's a sleepover, isn't it?
RUDY: Excalibur...
- Stop making me do things...
- (RHYTHMIC SHUFFLING)
...that I don't want to do.
Ohh! Goodness me.
Are you knocking one out?
No.
It's just a quick cheeky one,
get me to sleep.
I have to feed the monster, man.
Tell him.
It's a sedative, innit?
Just hurry up and finish, man.
(SHUFFLING QUICKENS)
RUDY: Fucking...Barbara! (GROANS)
You are going to go blind.
That's what me old headmaster,
Mr Gibbons, used to say to me,
until some nasty little shit
threw sulphuric acid into his face.
Who's laughing - and seeing - now?
Cos it's not him.
Just get on with it,
you silly little prick!
Whoa! I'm a storyteller, love.
I'm merely trying to paint a vivid picture
for me audience here.
Where's the briefcase? Which
one of you fuckers took the case?!
I don't know anything about it.
How do we know you didn't take the case?
Cos I know what I did and didn't do,
and I know I didn't take the case.
It was you, wasn't it?
So, you think I've crept in here
in the middle of the night
while you were sleeping
and I've cut his hand off with a hacksaw?
- I think that's exactly what you did.
- Do you? All right, then, genius.
If I took the case,
then why am I still here?
Sorry, what? What was that?
Not as clever as you think, are you?
Smackdown!
You're still here because you need
the combination to the briefcase,
and this guy is the only one who has it.
All right, yeah, that's a good point.
So, whoever did take the case
is probably close by waiting for
Stumpy to regain consciousness.
- Also true.
- We need to search the community centre.
Oh, you beat me to it.
I was just about to say that.
It was Seth.
He took the case, didn't he?
Why do you say that?
I can feel it in my nut sac.
You know what he's like.
He's sneaky and he's underhand.
And he makes cruel jokes about you
behind your back.
He's all this.
(AS SETH) His cock's like
a little fuckin' slug.
- Did he... Did he say that?
- Mm-hm.
What? Has he seen...
Has he seen my cock?
Well, what are you saying?
I'm saying we should drug his drink
and lock him in the freezer
until he tells us where the briefcase is.
So, you were going to drug
this guy Seth, but it was Curtis...
He was the one in the freezer?
You seem just as obsessed with the
briefcase as the others. This is bullshit.
All right, you've...
you've got me. Busted.
I believe I am
what is commonly referred to
as an unreliable narrator. Mmm?
See, Curtis was right.
I did sneak out
in the middle of the night
white they were dreaming
their happy little dreams.
Fucking hell!
Fuck it!
(MUFFLED HOWLS)
(MUFFLED GRUNTS)
Ohhh...
(WHISTLES TUNE)
Bingo!
(CRASH)
So, having gone to investigate
the mysterious noise,
I returned to the room...
only to find...
that the case had vanished.
Fuck!
So, I go back to sleep...
Well, I slipped in
a cheeky little sunrise wank.
...and then I acted all dumb,
yeah? Innocent.
And do you know what?
You were right, mate.
It wasn't me and Curtis having
a little chat by the vending machine.
It was me and Seth.
It was Curtis. He's the one
who took the case, isn't he?
- Why do you say that?
- I can feel it in my nut sac.
You know what he's like.
He is sneaky and he's underhand.
And he makes cruel jokes about
your girlfriend behind her back.
It's all this.
(AS CURTIS) Her mouth is so massive,
the only way you can shut her up
is to wedge one of her tits
in there, innit?
- He said that about Kelly?
- Huh...
Two-faced bastard.
So, what are you saying?
I'm saying we should drug his drink
and lock him in the freezer
until he tells us where the briefcase is.
Beverage?
How sneaky am I, eh?
Shame on me.
See, I think Curtis was in cahoots...
"Cahoots" is a great word.
I think Curtis was in cahoots
with two other people,
who just so happen to conveniently turn up
at the community centre
this morning
wearing their orange jumpsuits,
claiming they're on community service.
Can you see where I'm going wi' all this?
You lost me at "cahoots".
Unbelievable.
He's spiked our drinks.
No!
(GLASS SMASHES)
When was this?
Let's not beat ourselves up about it.
I mean, I have... I've bamboozled you
wi' me devious cunning,
for I have been spinning you a yarn
this whole time,
just waiting for the drugs to kick in,
which should be right about now-ish.
Easy.
Go with it. Just let it wash over you.
It's like a gentle autumn breeze.
Ooh... Eh?
Sleepy-time for Bobos.
(SHE GASPS)
What the fuck?!
Who is that? Is that you?
Of course it's me! Who else would it be?
Oh, my God. What's that?
There's something moving in me hand.
That's my tit!
Oh, sorry.
Just stop touching my tits!
I was trying to find me phone.
It's not in my bra!
- There's no signal. You?
- Never when you really need it.
(SHOUTS) Help! Help!
Shh.
Hey. Relax.
He's just messing with us.
This is probably all part of
some elaborate initiation ritual,
you know,
like in those posh private schools
where they toast crumpets
and eat each other's shit?
You are so naive.
You're a pedophile's wet dream.
"Hey, little boy. Do you want
to come with me into the bushes
"and suck on
my cock-shaped lollipop?"
What?
Wasn't in the bushes.
It was at me uncle's house.
He had this...
big, old house in the country.
It was surrounded by cornfields.
It was beautiful.
I used to stay there in the summer
when I was a kid.
Every night,
me uncle came to my room.
I can still feel him on top of me...
...the smell of whisky
and cigarettes on his breath...
After he raped me...
I'd feel his tears
falling on me face...
...like salty rain.
(SNIFFS)
I'm joking.
You prick!
- I thought you were being serious.
- Ow! Jesus!
- You dick! Why would you do that?
- I was trying to lighten the mood.
You think a story about you getting
horribly raped by your uncle
is going to lighten the mood?
I'm just saying. It could be worse.
You could be locked in a freezer
with me imaginary rapist uncle.
Suddenly,
things don't seem quite so bad.
(SHOUTS) Help! Help!
I've done both bollocks,
a couple of fingers and his bell-end.
What did he say?
He said "ouch" and "fuck you".
So, what do we do with him?
Put him on ice
until he's ready to talk.
Is it just me, or is it reminding you
of the end of Titanic?
I'm going to die in a freezer
on my first day of community service.
I thought I'd have kids,
grow old and ugly.
I'd die in my sleep
with all my family around me.
I always thought I'd die in a car crash.
A silver Mercedes 300 SL Gullwing.
I'm off me head
on prescription painkillers.
Just finished getting sucked off
by Angelina Jolie.
I open me eyes and bang!
I hit a tree, a big fuck-off oak tree,
on top of a hill, looking out at the sea.
Angelina lives,
but she's horribly disfigured.
Sadie?
Who's Sadie?
Me dog.
If I die, who's going to feed me dog?
(EXHALES SLOWLY)
Are you (dying?
I... I really need a wee.
I have a small bladder.
Don't mind me, if you want to...
I'm not going to piss myself
in front of you.
What if we piss ourselves
in front of each other?
There's no shame in that.
Do you want to freestyle
or do you want to synchronize?
On the count of three?
Oh, this can't be happening.
Are you pissing in your pants
or are you getting it out?
- I'll be pissing in my pants.
- OK!
I'm going to just...
- There he is.
- (ZIP)
All right?
Here we go. On three...
Will you please just shut the fuck up
and let me piss myself?
OK.
(HALTING SPLASHES)
I really hope you don't need a shit.
WOMAN: What are you doing?!
(SCREAMS)
We don't know anything about
any briefcase!
MAN: We just want to go home
and watch Countdown!
I've got a dog!
We're going to die in here.
What if they really are
two innocent young offenders
who just showed up here this morning
to do their community service?
I believe you'll find
there's no such thing
as an innocent young offender, is there?
Guilty!
Fuck 'em.
- Who is he?
- He must be the guy with the case.
Jesus, get it off me! You just
touched me face with his stump!
Don't be such a baby. It was an accident.
It touched me mouth.
That's how people get AIDS.
Yeah, there's other ways, too.
Like sharing needles
and fucking monkeys.
Who are you?
We're on community service.
Where's my case?
We don't know anything
about your briefcase.
We show up here this morning, hmm?
This guy pretends to be
our probation worker.
He tells us this crazy story,
then he drugs us
and locks us in a freezer.
So, why don't you tell us
what the fuck is going on?
You can entertain us
while we all slowly freeze to death.
Before all this shit started...
...me and the guys I used to run with...
we just robbed a case full of cash
from some diamond dealer.
We were just about to diwy up the cash.
I'm sitting there
and I'm looking at the money,
and I just know I don't want to share it.
- (THUD)
- (GROAN)
You move in that world long enough,
it gets so you don't care
who you screw over.
ti Finished with my woman
# Cos she couldn't help me with my mind
it People think I'm insane
# Because I am frowning all the time... #
(THUNDER CRASHES)
Next thing I know is,
I'm lying on the ground.
Ever since then,
people have been trying
to take the money off me.
People go crazy.
(GROANS)
It's like...
I infected them.
I lost...
...everyone I ever cared about.
So, I wonder where the case is.
Why are you suddenly so interested?
- Are you infected?
- No. What about you?
Look at him. He's dying and frozen.
It's obviously not working any more.
Obviously.
So, via a scientific process
of elimination,
I have established that Curtis...
...he must have that case.
But we've got the guy
who knows the combination.
Checkmate.
Stalemate?
Well, that's the same difference,
isn't it? Really?
So, what do you say me and you team up,
kill Curtis, split the cash?
Curtis is a dick.
You?
You're different.
I've always admired and respected you.
Am I shocked?
Not really.
Dude, do you...
do you think my cock looks like
a tiny little slug?
(LAUGHS)
I think you have
a fucking beautiful penis.
Thanks, mate.
I am strangely blessed.
Do you know what? I like you.
I like you a lot.
We should be best mates.
Ohh. We are so in tune, it's scary.
We're like one cock with two minds.
I love you, man.
Welling up a bit there.
I love you, too.
Do you want to hug it out,
or summat?
- Yeah.
- Banging.
(GASPS)
This is...
I'm loving this.
Me, too.
It is a bit awkward
cos you were quite complimentary
about my penis back there.
You should probably know...
that I've spiked your drink.
And you should also know...
...that I didn't drink it.
(THUD)
(WHISPERS) What in the name of Jesus
have you got yourself mixed up in
this time?
You've just been knocked unconscious
with an 'ole punch.
When we get out this freezer,
we should team up, kill those fuckers
and take the case.
Definitely.
(CHAINS RATTLE)
Let's do this.
Hiya.
(GROANS)
- I'm here to rescue you.
- Rescue us?!
We nearly died in there, you dick!
- Kick him again.
- Wait, wait!
I am not the guy
who locked you in the freezer.
Come on, even I don't believe that,
and I can be incredibly naive.
It was the other me.
Yeah.
He's like me twin.
Sort of. It was the storm.
You know about the storm, don't you?
Maybe.
OK. If you're not the guy that
locked us in the freezer, prove it.
I know where the briefcase is.
She pissed in her pants.
Mm-hm.
I wasn't even here yesterday.
I was cleaning our flat.
Well, the other Rudy's not going to do it,
is he?
And then, when he didn't come back,
that's when I went looking for him.
(WHINING) Please...
- (WHISTLES TUNE)
- (SAWING)
(GROANING AND GURGLING)
- (SAWING)
- (CRUNCHING)
Bingo!
- (THUD)
- Oh...
(DOOR SLAMS)
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(MUFFLED GROANS)
(ROCK MUSIC)
So, since then,
I've been watching 'em,
just trying to work out
what the hell's been going on.
It's the guy in the freezer.
He's infected them.
They'll do anything to get
their hands on the money in the case.
- How do we stop it?
- I don't know.
Maybe you have to kill
the guy in the freezer.
You were in the freezer with him.
- We're OK.
- Because he was dying?
- And frozen.
- Which cancels the whole thing out?
Obviously.
I'm taking the case.
Don't make me hurt you.
Oh, yeah? You think you're the only one
with a power around here?
Shit.
I think you've got something
that belongs to me.
I am taking that case.
Yeah? Well, the man with the bloody
big chainsaw begs to differ.
You dirty little...
Give me that fucking case!
(CHAINSAW ROARS)
- Give me the motherfucking case!
- Back off! Stay back!
Give me the case. I swear to God
I'll cave your fucking skull in.
- I'm gonna saw your fucking legs off...
- (CHAINSAW STALLS)
- Oh, shit!
- Me and you, we're friends.
We bonded, like the end of Titanic,
remember? So, come on,
give me the case.
- Fuck the end of Titanic!
(ALL SHOUT AT ONCE)
Money!
Fuck off, bitch.
(SCREAMS)
(CHAINSAW SPLUTTERS)
(GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
My money...
That were intense, weren't it?
What the fuck was all that about?
It was the guy with the case.
He infected us with some kind of power.
Ohh. It's the storm.
It's always the storm.
And what's your story?
BOTH: We're new.
Eh? How about that, then?
That's quite the tale, that is.
Took twists and turns, didn't it?
New powers.
A hint of...sexual possibilities.
Tears, laughter,
horribly graphic violence.
Oh, mate, mutilated testicles! (CHUCKLES)
Yes, mm-mm-mm!
Something for all the family.
Who are you?
I'm your new probation worker.
How do we know you're not just someone
impersonating a probation worker?
Why would someone
impersonate a probation worker?
Cor, I have no idea.
(SCOFFS)
I mean, well, I certainly never have
and never would, because...
Well, because I've got too much
respect for that badge.
Is it OK if I leave early?
I've got a dog at home.
I need to let her out for a shit.
Have you heard the one
about the guy who left
his community service early
to let his dog out for a shit?
No.
And his probation worker...
Goon
He hunted him down...
...he pinned him to the floor...
...and he fed him
the dog shit with a teaspoon.
I'm sure she can wait.
You cross me...
...and I will fuck you like
you have never been fucked before.
You will feel like you have been
fucked by a train.
(MIMICS STEAM TRAIN)
I think we'll get along great. And you...
I really like you.
Pfff! Whatever.
Are probation workers always
that fucking creepy?
That's definitely new.
Why did he single me out?
Why me?
Well, don't sweat it, man.
Chances are he'll be dead
by t'end of week.
(# KIMBRA: Good Intent)
# You heard the crickets
of the early eve
# They lurk around the opening
in twos and threes
# Clementine told you not to move
with the breeze
# I'll take you down to places
where we dare not speak
# The red light in the doorway... #
Sadie?
I'm home.
You're not going to believe
the day I've had.
It was totally insane.
I mean, off the scale.
How was your day?
Tell you what,
why don't I make us a sandwich,
and I'll, er, tell you all about it?
This is a sculpting class,
and you will be their models.
They might not be able to see you,
but l can.
- I think I'm supposed to feel your face.
- Go for it.
Try and get your stinking little fingers
into her lovely creamy knickers.
There ain't no law against shagging
beautiful blind girls.
There is a law!
There's a law. It's called Rudy's law.
RUDY: He's got this room,
he keeps it locked.
I keep hearing all this talking
through the door.
I like to shit in a bucket.
Hello?
I don't want to keep you like this
any longer than I have to.