Misfits (2009–2013): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

MAN: This is it.

This is your chance
to do something positive.

Give something back.

You can help people,

you can really make a difference
to people's lives.

That's what community service
is all about.

There are people out there
who think you're scum.

You have an opportunity
to show them they're wrong.

But what if they're right?

No of fence. But I'm thinking
some people are just born criminals.

Are you looking to get stabbed?



- You see my point there?
- (MOBILE RINGS) Hi.

Doesn't matter what you've done
in the past.

- Doing my community service.
- Hey.

- Boring as fuck.
- Excuse me.

- Hello, I'm still talking here.
- I thought you'd finished.

You see my lips still moving,
that means I'm still talking.

You could have been yawning,
or chewing.

End the call. Hang up!

- My probation worker...
- All right there, weird kid?

Don't be disgusting. I'll call you later.

I'll rip out your throat
and shit down your neck.

I shouldn't be here, man.

We need to work as a team here.
Hey, that's enough!

Can I move to a different group?
This isn't working for me.



What makes you think
you're better than us?

- What is that accent?
- Is that for real?

Are you trying to say something?

It's... That's just a noise. Are we
supposed to be able to understand her?

- Do you understand that?
- I think she likes me!

Hey, pack it in.

- It's love, man!
- What?

Do it, man, do it.
You're a prick, man, look at you.

(ALL SHOUT AT ONCE)

You're a fuckin' pussy, bruv.
He's taking the piss. Come here!

Oh man, there's paint on my cap.
This is bullshit!

Ooh!

(LAUGHS)

I know you.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do. You're that runner guy.

- You screwed up big time.
- You noticed, yeah?

Thanks for reminding me.

I'm guessing shoplifting? ...No?

Don't act like you know me,
cos you don't.

I'm just making conversation.

This is a chance to network
with other young offenders.

We should be swapping tips.
Brainstorming.

Come on, what did you do?

A girl called me a slag
so I just got into a fight.

Was this on the Jeremy Kyle Show?

- No, it was in Argos.
- Argos?

You should have got one of them
little pens and jabbed it in her eye.

What about you, weird kid?

Don't take this the wrong way,

but you look like a panty-sniffer.
(SNIFFS)

I'm not a panty-sniffer.

I'm not a pervert.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING GETS LOUDER)

I tried to burn
someone's house down.

Fire?

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

What did you do?

Me? I was done for
eating some pick 'n' mix.

Bollocks.

- (THUNDER RUMBLES)
- What is going on with this weather?

How did that happen? I mean,
you've been here five minutes.

It's painting benches.

How did you screw that up?

You tell me,
because I've got no idea.

- What the hell was that?
- Oh, Jesus!

- (CAR ALARM RINGS)
- What's going on?

That's my car!

Classic.

- (SCREAMING)
- Oh, my God!

OK, so I'm a little bit freaked out.

What is that?

Right, let's get everyone inside.
Move! Move. Run!

(SCREAMING)

Keep going.

- It's locked.
- Open it.

Come on!

What is happening?

- What is happening?
- Open the door!

- I'm finding the right key.
- Come on!

- Open the door.
- Open the fucking door!

Don't speak to me like that!

(GRUNTS m PAIN)

(CAR ALARMS BLARE)

I feel really weird.

That'll be the lightning.

We should be dead.

A little reassurance
might be nice, you know.

"You're fine. Looking good."

Wanker!

Did he just call me a wanker?

Hey, hello?

Is everyone all right?

We could have died, you dick.

- Are you all right?
- Urghhh!

You're acting like a freak.

Maybe we should call it a day.

That's right.
Scrape it back.

What did you say?

I didn't say anything.

- She's such a chav.
- What?

- What?
- What? !

Do we just go, then?
Where's the probation worker?

I think there's something wrong with him.
It's like he was having a spasm.

He was probably just faking it,
to get compensation. Cheap bastard.

I don't think he was faking it.

And you'd know
all about being... mental.

Wanker!

- Are we waiting for something?
- Probation worker.

I'm not hanging around
for that dickhead.

(GRUNTS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(GRUNTING)

- (MOBILE RINGS)
- Shit.

Look what you did to my phone!

Man, I'm telling you, I'm coming
out there, I'm gonna mash you up.

Oh, good boy!

Is he a good baby?

You're my little man, are you?

Cutie, cutie, that's my little baby cutie.

DOG: You dirty bitch.
I've been licking my bollocks.

Ohhh.

Who are you fucking winking at?

I'm gonna shag that poodle next door,
she's proper dirty.

Mum, it's me. My key won't work.

Are you going to let me in?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

I need to give my relationship
with Jeremy a chance.

Jeremy? ! Come on.

The guy's a total dildo.

You are always making fun of people.

Nothing anyone says hurts you.

Not everybody's like that.

Has Jezza been crying again?

Come on, open the door.

I've changed the locks.

What?

You can't be serious.

If you stay, he'll leave.

Where am I going to live?
Mum, open the door.

Your things are by the garage.

I've put some money in your rucksack.

I'll call you in a few days.

Mum?

Mum, don't, come on.

Mum! Mum!

Mum!

Hey, Adam, how's tricks?
How's the herpes?

All right, calm down, it was a joke.

Billy. I need a favour, mate.
Can I stay at yours?

Come on, it'll be a laugh.

Liz, you don't mean that.

You...you don't.

Well, I don't believe you.

Holly. Holly Boyd. The Paul meister!

Yep.

No, it's OK,
I'll find somewhere else.

No, no, I'm good, I'm good.

It's dead weird.

It's like I'm off my face
or something.

Keith was talking to me,
and he's a dog, yeah?

It's doing my head in.

Get her tits out.

I'm telling you, I'm losing it.

All right.

Why don't she want
to have sex with me?

Come on, sex her up.

Oh, yeah!

What if she thinks I'm shit in bed?

She's been with loads more people
than I have.

Maybe she's screwing around.

Argh! What are you doing?

- I'm not a slag.
- What? What are you talking about?

You think I screw around?

- Man, you've lost it.
- You think I'd do that to you?

You're a mental case.
We're over. I've had enough of you.

I fucking love you.

I can't believe
I gave her that ring.

(YAWNS)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Mum? It's me.

So, I just want you to know
that there's no hard feelings.

I forgive you.
You made your point.

Point made.

So let's stop all this nonsense, OK?

So...

I'll come round, and we'll hug,
and you'll cry, and I'll move back in.

Sorted.

Everybody's a winner.

Anyway, so, call me, yeah?

I'll be expecting your call.

OK.

# Let him stay in bed
Till he's fed up

# You know he can't go on

# His life has felt so long

# All ready to go

# You know he's so lonely... #

This is a joke.
Did one of you do this?

Don't look at me, I didn't do it.

I'll tell you who did it,
it's that Banksy prick.

There's a hidden meaning.

It's like that monkey policeman
with the banana and the Tesco's bag.

- Maybe someone wants to kill us.
- Why would anybody want to kill us?

- Come on, you lot, let's get changed.
- Have you seen this?

- Someone's taking the piss.
- Yeah, terrible, isn't it?

- All this anti-social behaviour.
- Oh, is he having a dig at us?

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Right, that's it! All of you,

just give me your phones.
No-one's making any more calls today.

- Now, come on.
- Are you allowed to take our phones?

What?

I'm expecting a call from my mum.

OK, take a message.

Wanker.

SIMON: Is he allowed to take our phones?

He's probably using them
to call one of those sex lines.

Those sex lines will
eat your credit.

Call them a lot, do you?

He's out there feeling himself
on our phones, naked, masturbating.

Isn't this Gary's cap?

There's blood on it.

Has anyone seen him?

Did you see that?

What was that?

I'm talking to you.

Something's happening to me.

I'm right here!

Look at me! Look at me!

Can't you see me?

- Do you want some of this?
- No, I'm good.

SIMON: Give it here. Come on.

For fuck's sake.

(HE GRUNTS)

Yeah, you just relax, innit?
Take it easy.

Someone's just going to write
something else on there tonight.

They make us do these
bullshit little jobs, wearing these

bullshit orange jumpsuits.

They can suck my dick.

Nice.

Feel free to check out my tits, yeah.

She can't throw me out,
she's my mum.

I'm a homeless.
That is so embarrassing.

You know after the storm,
did any of you feel like dead weird?

Yeah. I had a strange
tingling sensation in my anus.

I should say something.

I'll just sound like a freak.

What, did you feel weird?

You don't want to hear
about my anus?

Do you really need
to ask the question?

- Something happened.
- What's that? Squeak up.

Something happened to me.

Are you a virgin?

- Hi-ho!
- Shut up!

What was it?

It's nothing.

Would I? I think I would.

Oh, my God, I'm thinking about
shagging a chav. Get a grip!

What was that for?

Jesus!

- Kelly, where are you going?
- Oh, shut up.

I'm talking to you. You can't just
walk off whenever you feel like it.

Get your hands off me, you prick.

You just keep pushing, don't you?

Push, push, push. I'm sick
of dealing with scum like you.

- I'll report you!
" Oh. yeah?

And who's going to believe you, eh?
You're nothing! You little bitch!

Jesus!

(MOANING AND GROANING)

NATHAN: It's a shame more women
don't commit crime. Why is that?

The way I see it,
we're a girl short, man.

How's that?

There's three of us
and only two of them.

It looks like one of us
is going without.

And I'm not being funny, but I'm
guessing you drew the short straw.

- Bad luck.
- There was four of us.

I'm talking about getting laid.
So how are we going to do this, man?

Do what?

Divide them up. Cos I gotta tell you,
the one with all the frizzy hair,

I don't see me and her getting it on.

Because she's beautiful?

No, because she'd be
way too much effort.

She looks high-maintenance!
You'd have to treat her really well.

PW. But that other one.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

- Kelly.
- Whatever.

A couple of Bacardi Breezers, man,
I reckon she'll be good to go.

I might need more than a couple
myself, but who's counting.

Yeah, and the girls, like,
do they have a say in this?

A group of young people
doing mindless shit all day.

Face it, man, it's going to happen.
It always does. It's biology.

Or physics.
One of those.

So do we have a deal?

(SPITS)

No.

- Fine, then maybe I'll take both.
- Yeah, I see that happening(!)

Yeah, you will, then you'll be sorry
you didn't accept the deal.

And then who's laughing? Me.

What did he get done for?

He said he was done
for eating some pick 'n' mix.

Prick.

When I was in sixth form,
you came to my school.

You gave this big talk about athletics
and all your medals and that.

So, I'm guessing you're not
going to the Olympics.

Funny.

- I heard he was dealing crack.
- What? I wasn't dealing crack.

No, no, the papers said
it was steroids.

That stuff will shrivel your dick.

It wasn't steroids.
I'm not a cheat.

That stuff in the papers
was bullshit.

So what was it, then?

I got caught with a little bit of coke.
All right?

I messed up one time.

No-one gets community service
for possession.

If it was anyone else,
they'd have got a caution.

I get 200 hours' community service

and a two-year ban from athletics.

They said, cos of my profile,
they needed to send a message.

You let yourself down.

You let the kids down.

- You let your parents down...
- Shut the fuck up!

All I ever did was train.
You know nothing!

I shouldn't even fucking be here.

You can't hit someone
in a wheelchair.

Phew!

Do want to know what I got done for?

Not really.

(DRAGGING METAL)

Fucking lesbo scum.

(GRUNTS)

Me and my mate, Chloe, were
having cocktails in this bar, yeah.

And she's hassling me,
cos she wants to go to this party.

Chloe is on one, because she thinks
Jack is doing Lucy.

A total slut fuck.

So we get in my car.
I drive us to the party.

We go into one of the rooms, yeah.

Jack's not doing Lucy,
he's doing Ellie.

She is a proper slut. Chloe freaks.

I'm driving us back into town.

Chloe's all like, "Oh, I feel sick."
I'm like...

Don't puke in my car.
Do not puke in my car."

That's when the police pull us over.

I'm already banned from driving,
so I am like, "Fuck."

This cop, yeah...

he hands me the breathalyser,
and I'm like...

"Do I suck, or blow??"

It's insane, I'm totally working it, yeah.

(PANTS)

(SCREAMS)

Now, I don't know if this cop

is gay or what, but he tells me
I'm four times over the limit.

It's bullshit. I didn't even
want to go to the party.

He's gonna kill us!

- Shit.
- Nice entrance. Very dramatic.

The probation worker has
just attacked me.

Something really weird is happening.

I'm hearing these voices. It's like
I can hear what people are thinking.

- Been sniffing glue?
- The storm, the lightning,

it's done something to us.

OK. If you can hear our thoughts,

what am I thinking now? This is bullshit.

- You think it's bullshit?
- Course I think it's bullshit!

You don't need to be
a mind reader to know that.

- Why are you in a wheelchair?
- It was the storm.

The strange tingling sensation
in my anus

has spread through my body
and now I can't feel my legs.

- I'm serious!
- Ow! Jesus!

What do you mean,
the probation worker attacked you?

- This does sound like complete shit.
- He is out there and he chased me!

Something's happened to me too.

Did you pop your cherry?

Ah, we are all very happy for you.

Earlier on, when we were
in the locker-room... I was invisible.

I turned invisible.

So, she's psychic and you can
turn invisible. That seems likely.

Did anyone witness
this miraculous disappearance?

You were all there.

I think we might have noticed
you vanishing into thin air.

You didn't.

I was standing right there.
You couldn't see me.

All right.

Go on, then. Do it.

Turn invisible.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, my God, he's disappeared!

Can't you see me?

No.

You're invisible!

You two are hilarious.
Really, keep taking that medication.

Don't go out there,
he will kill you.

Of course he will,
cos he's such a bad ass.

Don't!

I would. I would definitely shag her.

Come on, this is the biggest
load of bullshit I've ever heard.

" No!
" Ah!

Argh!

- Can't you see me?
- No.

You're invisible!

You two are hilarious. Really,
keep taking that medication.

- Don't go out there, he will kill you!
- Of course he will,

cos he's such a bad ass.

- Don't!
- She's telling the truth.

And you know this how?
I suppose you're psychic now too.

All this.
It's already happened once.

I open the door,
the probation worker, he killed you.

You were right there.

You were dead.
Everything froze.

You were all just standing there.
Time went backwards.

What are you saying?
What, you turned back time?

This gets better by the second.

Everything happened again.
Exactly the same.

I'm telling you, don't open that door.

No!

He's right.
The probation worker's gone mental.

Maybe he's on crystal meth.
That stuff makes you crazy.

My friend Chloe did it,
she nearly shagged her brother.

And he's really ugly.

The graffiti.
I'm going to kill you. He wrote it.

What did I say?
I said there was a hidden meaning.

Or not.

Did anything happen to you?

No. We should call the police.

He took our phones,
he's got all our phones.

He's stopped.

You dickhead, why did you come back here?
You should have gone for help!

- What do you know, bitch? !
- Shut up, you chav.

If you call me a chav one more time, I'll kick
you so hard in the cunt your mum will feel it.

Her mum will feel it -
how does that work?

He tried to kill me!

I came back here to warn you lot
and I could have left ya.

I'm sick of every single one of you
judging me. You can all fuck off!

Whatever. I'm getting out of here.

Out the back way, come on.

Fuck's sake!

Is that blood?

Oh, fuck!
Jesus Christ!

Get it off me.

Jesus!

I did wonder what
had happened to him.

He's going to kill us.

Turn back time, stop this happening.

I don't know how it works.

That's great, that's really useful!

Come on. Don't look at him.

I've got to have sex
with you right now.

You're so beautiful.

What's up with him?

Let's go, let's do it now.

Get off me, you freak!

What?

You're so hot! I'm gonna bone you,
I'm gonna shag you senseless!

Let go!

What did I do?

You said you were going to shag her.

- You were getting your chap out.
- Shut up!

It's when you were touching her.

I'm so hard for you.

I want to rip your clothes off
and piss on your tits.

What is happening to me?

You sick bastard!

What did you do?

Is he dead?

I'm no doctor, but...

you see the way the back
of his head's caved in like that...

(SHOUTING) Chav!

(SPLINTERING AND SQUELCHING)

I am not a chav!

That should do it.

You killed our probation worker.

This is very, very bad.

I feel sick.

He would have killed us.

We should call the police.

It was self-defence.

Yeah. He's right.
We show him the dead boy

in the locker, they'll do
some CSI shit and figure it out.

They won't believe us.

We just tell them the truth.
We stick to our story.

What's our story?
That he can turn invisible

and that you
can turn back time?

It doesn't matter what we tell them,
they'll say we're lying.

They'll say we killed them both.

No-one's gonna believe you,
not any more.

If there's no body,
there's no crime.

We should bury them
under the flyover.

Yeah?

How do we do that?
Someone's gonna see us.

No, we give them a quick little...
(WHISTLES)

Put them in those wheelchairs,
we wheel them up there,

and if anyone sees us, we're just
a bunch of young offenders

taking a couple of specials
for a walk in the sunshine.

I'm pretty sure this breaches
the terms of my ASBO.

We don't tell anyone
about this, yeah?

About the storm
or what it did to us or anything.

We are about to bury
our probation worker,

we don't need to be drawing
any attention to ourselves.

I don't want anyone to know.

I cannot be a freak.

What about you?

There's no going back now, man.

You're just as screwed
as the rest of us.

You are black and famous.
You are probably more screwed.

I shouldn't even be here.

Just then,
when he was touching ya...

How were you doing that?

I don't know.

Didn't you say you
wanted to piss on her tits?

Probably best to keep
that kind of thing

between you and
your internet service provider.

Are you all right?

If she can hear what I'm thinking,

does she know I want to shag her?

Shit, she can hear that!

Hold on, all of you have
some kind of special power.

Everyone can do something except me.

He can do something,
he can do something and I can't.

That's ridiculous, look at him!

How does that make any sense?

Maybe you can do something, you just
haven't found out what it is yet.

Yeah, right.

What if I can't feel pain? Ow!

Did you feel that?

Stop hitting me!

# God knows you're lonely souls

# God knows you're lonely souls

# God knows you're lonely souls

# I believe there's a time
and a place

# To let your mind drift
and get out of this place

# I believe there's a day
and a place

# That we will go to
and I know you want to share

# There's no secret to living

# Just keep on walking

# There's no secret to dying

# Just keep on flying

# I'm gonna die in a place

# That don't know my name

# I'm gonna die in a space

# That don't hold my name... #

So...

If anyone asks what
happened yesterday,

we say nothing, right?

It's just a completely normal day.

There's nothing here.

No note, nothing.
It's like he's just disappeared.

Some of them are here already.

Yeah.

I'll talk to them.

Gary and my colleague Tony
have both been reported missing.

Their families are
very worried about them.

Have you seen anything unusual?
Anything at all?

You saw something?

A few days ago...

I go into the toilets,
Tony and Gary were in there.

They are butt naked,
Tony has Gary by his hair,

like this, and he's just doing him,
doggy style.

And Tony is like,

"Who's your daddy?
I'm your daddy, I'm Big Daddy.

"You like that?

"Oh. Whoo! Whoa.

"Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

"Oh, yeah... I'm Daddy Cool!"

So I'm guessing they've ran away to continue
their illicit homosexual affair.

I ask you, in this world
of intolerance and prejudice,

who are we to condemn them?

(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)

Hi, this is Tony, leave me a message.
I'll get back to you

as soon as I can. Thanks. Bye.

(MACHINE BEEPS)

I think we got away with it.

Do you actually believe that
or are you just really dumb?

I actually believe that.

I was there. I should have
one of these bullshit powers.

You can have mine. You want to hear
what people are thinking about you?

Not so much. I want something good,
something from the A-list.

Maybe you can fly.

He's not going to be able to fly.

Yeah, there's always someone
who can fly. Check it out.

Don't.

Ow! No, that's not it.

So, what happens now? Is this it?
Are we gonna be like this for ever?

What if we are meant to be,
like, superheroes?

You lot, superheroes?

No of fence, but in what kind
of fucked-up world

would that be allowed to happen?

I did not sign up for that.

Superheroes!
I love this guy - you prick!

What if there's loads of people
like us all over town?

No, that kind of thing
only happens in America.

This will fade away. I'm telling you,
by this time next week,

it'll be back to the same old
boring shit.

(GROANING)

- You!
- You want to tell us who that was?

There is something weird
going on with Jeremy.

Argh!

Can you get me a gun?

There's no way I'm getting
a dickhead like you a gun.

My mum told me to stay away
from girls like you.

Your mum has never
met a girl like me.

Let's do it on the desk.

Get off me!

Let's get that wind flowing
through your scalp, come on.

Someone knows. They know
we killed our probation worker.