Miranda (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - Teacher - full transcript
Miranda wants to create a romantic moment between herself and Gary. Flat-mate Stevie thinks a knowledge of French might help and takes her to her French class. The tutor - who cops off with Stevie - turns out to be Miranda's old school teacher and Miranda gets stuck in a chair. Tango lessons seem more promising but Miranda loses Gary to the instructress and, just as the couple are getting cosy during a cookery lesson in the flat, the moment is ruined by the arrival of friends and family.
Hello. How are you?
I can't hear you and I'm not interested.
No,I am.
I'm not. So back to me.
Now,previously in my life...I proved
that living alone can be genuine fun.
I really embarrassed
myself in front of Gary.
Yeah. As long as you fill
it with good sausage meat.
Ooh,naughty!
I know. And what else? oh,yes. My
mother showed me her holiday photos.
Around the headland there
was another lovely beach...
Was the whole island nudist?
Oh,that's a good one of your father.
Stop zooming in!
You never recover from
something like that.
Quickly,on with the show...
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milanda
Season01 Episode 02
Right,taster number four.
Maybe you'll enjoy this one.
Gratinee de Saint Jacques...
I love having a chef friend.
- Because you appreciate fine food?
- It's more that it's free food.
Free food!
That's it. You clearly
don't appreciate my work,
I go to all this effort,all you
can say about it is it's free.
I've never been more aroused.
Off putting. They're doing that
kissing but not kissing thing.
Either do or don't!
- That's Chris and Alison,they're lovely.
- It's a bit much.
Now,Gary,now that was delicious.
Thank you,Chris. It's a
new menu I'm working on.
We thought so,didn't we,Mr Papa Bear?
Yes,we did,my wet nosed cub.
Such a good chef.
Said it at the same time!
And said that at the same time.
Oh,lovely(!)
Yes,sorry this is my friend Miranda.
Hello,lovely.
- Puddings? Puddings.
- Puddings. Puddings.
Puddings,my wet nosed cub.
Stop it. Actually,it's
a really sweet story.
They were friends at university,and they said
they'd get married if they were still single at 40.
She was his safety wife?
People actually do that?
They don't look 40.
They're not. He took her off
to Paris last year and proposed.
- Do you have a safety wife?
- No.
- Why,are you offering?
- Yes,please,very much so,thanks for asking,
thank you please very much please.
OK. All right. So what age
would we set the date at?
55? 35?
55,I meant 55. 55?
35? That's next year. You're meant
to allow time to meet Mr Right first.
No. Exactly. Of course,
absolutely cos we don't want this.
This would not be ideal. Grim.
Yuckety yuck at you.
You make me feel bleugh.
So...yeah. Just to be safe,I
know it's 21 years hence,
but should I book a venue?
Oh,sorry.55 is insulting.
Well,as I say,it works so you
allow time to meet the one.
But if something happens before
you're 55 then you don't ignore it.
If there's a "moment",then clearly the
rules are you go to Paris and get engaged.
A moment.
Deal with this Miranda. Elegance.
Stevie,Stevie,Stevie,Stevie,Stevie,Stevie,Stevie,Stevie...
I'm busy! I've got to leave
early to talk to my builders.
Yeah,but I've got news.
Anyway,this is a night
school prospectus.
Yes. I'm doing a French course
and I'll tell you pour quoi...
so we can start to go
international,sales wise...
Two things to say,firstly...
and,secondly,needy,high maintenance friend with news
- Bonjour!
Gather please. Right.
Gary has asked me to be his safety wife.
But,he said,obviously,if something happens before
then we wouldn't ignore it. If there was a moment.
He's considering there might
be a moment between us,Stevie.
I've got to create a
moment and do some woo-ing.
It's harder to say
than you imagine,that.
Woo-ing.
Woo-ing.
Getting away from the point...
I need to create a romantic,spontaneous
moment so Gary sees me in a "sexual" light.
Sorry how is Gary ever
going to see YOU in a...
No,no,what I mean is,you're...
No,you're just not
very,you know,you know.
No,what I mean is,you know,you
don't have... No,what you're,
what you're not... you're not like me.
You're just,you're just very
British aren't you? I mean say "sex".
Sex.
You know I don't like to say it.
I prefer the term "shenanigans".
Sounds nicer. And you're British!
British in nationality,yeah,but when it comes
to the language of love,I'm practically Spanish.
Just a look in my eye and
pheromones are released. Ahem.
Only me,darling. Hi,Stevie,how are you?
- OK. Although...
- Just a turn of phrase.
Can I leave this with you?
Your old diaries. Which I have to
say,make very interesting reading.
- You read them?!
- Of course. Like Anne Frank but more depressing.
Can't they stay at home?
No. We've cleared out your room because we've
extended the bathroom and we're fitting a jacuzzi.
Must dash
- the Evening News'll be out.
We're looking at the personals to find you someone
and I don't want your father to start without me.
He only circles white people
and I've told him,when it comes to finding
you a husband,we can't afford to be racist.
We will consider a black man.
You can say "black". It's fine.
Are you sure it's not racist?
No.
Oh,well then I do love a BLACK man!
Such fun!
That mouthing words thing's
a real middle class tick.
At least she was doing
it properly this time.
She gets confused and does
it the wrong way round.
The other day she said,"You know
those two women next door? LESBIANS."
Exactly. Stevie always
underestimates me.
I knew I could do romance.
* Summer lovin' had me a blast... *
Ooh,it's our song!
* Summer lovin' happened so fast... *
* I met a girl crazy for me... *
* I met a guy cute as can be *
* Summer days driftin' away
to uh-oh,those summer nights *
*
Well-ah,well-ah,well-ah *
* Uh! Tell me more,tell me more *
* Like did he have a car? *
This is not a hoover being a man!
- Stevie!
- Miranda,I've got subsidence.
Please can I stay with you? Thanks.
I've got a Gary plan.
- Come in!
- Thank you.
Although,I was thinking
maybe I shouldn't bother.
I don't even know if I want a
relationship.Somebody knowing everything about me.
I mean,do I really want somebody knowing
that sometimes I dress up as the Queen
and record her speech and I watch it back to
see what it would be like if I was the Queen.
- Do you actually do that?
- No.
You can stay,but please
don't take over my life.
You'll hardly notice me!
Especially if Gary's here...
OK,your plan?
Why don't you come with me
to my French course? Yes?
Passionate,sophisticated
language,mon cherie.
- Are you saying I'm unsophisticated?
- Bottom.
Bottom!
Remembering my school days isn't
going to help me feel passionate.
Apparently the teacher is
cute.Although if he is he's mine.
- Come on,you need a bit of chic to get you in the romantic zone.
- OK.
I refer you to the last time you
attempted something in this field.
Hi there.
Hi.
So...
So...
Do you want kids?
You liked school,this
is freaking me out.
"Don't run in the
corridor,pull your skirt down."
What is this?
- This is God's way of telling me not to bother.
- Just relax.
And always "could do better" from the French
teacher who thought a leather jacket made him cool.
Oh,wow,he's LOVELY.
Cute smile.
Oh,it's him! He will be mine.
- That's Mr Clayton,my old French teacher.
- No way!
Way. Really way. Very much way.
It's really cringey seeing
a teacher after 20 years.
It's feelings of fear,embarrassment...
Primarily embarrassment.
Right,I'm going to go
before he can see me.
I'm stuck in the chair.
- Stevie,I'm stuck in the chair.
- He's about to start.
Bonjour la classe.
Qu'est ce que ce'st passez?
Pardon,monsieur. Je suis dans le...
..Wrong room.
Miranda?
Ce ne pas me,zut alors!
Je suis...on me way oot!
Sounded Scottish?!
It is you.
Back for more? French was never
your metier,I seem to remember.
No,no,but German has become my bag...
Mein...bag.
Oh,yeah,I've done
pretty well with my life.
Yes,I use the German
for my fashion business.
So,I think you'll find
I COULDN'T do better.
If I did better...I'd be God.
Good evening to you.
Do you need help with the chair issue?
The chair issue?
There isn't a chair issue.
This is part of my Autumn range.
Practical fashion. It looks good...
Sure thing. Want some of that!
But it's practical.
You can sit down whenever and
wherever you so need to do.
This has been one of life's true
pleasures. Good evening. Bonsoir.
Mortifying. I need to get it
off. Feeling claustrophobic.
Afternoon.
Right. Just need to pull myself off.
Don't.
Oh... And,released. God.
Urgh,school corridors
- freaky.
Why weren't we allowed
to run in them,actually?
I can't believe I thought evening
classes would help me get romantic.
Hello.
Gary?
- Yep! Hi.
- Hi.
Listen,I wanted to say sorry
about the whole food thing earlier.
And to make it up to you...
how about a tango class tomorrow night?
- Oh,I adore Tango.
- Well,you go Clive.
No,the offer wasn't for Clive.
I was regional under-12 champion.
- You'll go top of the class with Clive.
- I don't want to!
My speciality is cape work. Clive
should definitely be your partner.
I don't want Clive to be my partner!
If you don't stop talking about Tango,I'll
strangle you with this tablecloth!
So,Gary,will you come?
What about Clive?
No,thanks,I hate Tango. I always
have. I despise it. It's abhorrent,
it's a perversion of all that is
good and natural in this world.
- I hate it,DIRTY,DIRTY,DIRTY!
- That's enough!
So,Gary?
Yeah,sure. Why not?
I'm up for a challenge.
* You are beautiful No
matter what they say *
* Words can't bring me down,yeah *
* You are beautiful
in every single way. *
* So don't you bring me down today. *
SHE GASPS Mr Clayton in pants!
Oh,gosh,I am so sorry,sir.
- Hey,come on now,call me Keith.
- Keith.
Teachers having first
names was always funny!
I really am very,very sorry.
Don't worry. I was just
about to have a shower.
Stevie! Urgh!
I can't be... Urgh!I can't believe...
- "Oh,you'll hardly notice me."
- I couldn't help it.
He took me to a fantastic
restaurant and I tell you,
an older man knows foreplay.
Oh,sorry. We got a little
bit carried away on the sofa.
Oh,and on the chair.
Ooh! God!
Is there anywhere I'm safe?
- Oh,not there.
- Ooh!What's that?!
People have sex,stop being
so middle class about it.
Stevie,that was my old French teacher!
He's seen me in gym knickers.I don't want
someone in my home that's seen me in gym knickers.
I don't want anyone thinking
about me in gym knickers.
Oh,you disgust me.
Please say you're not seeing him again.
- You're always saying you want me to have more fun.
- Not that much fun!
I'm going to open the shop.
I blame boarding school entirely for not
being able to cope with the (sex) department.
Sorry,what is this... Urgh!
We just weren't taught the
birds and the bees properly.
All we had was a weird video
in Biology about conception.
We saw this heart-shaped swimming
pool,in the middle of which was a li-lo,
with a woman lying on it looking erotic
- she was the ovum.
On the outside were a whole mass
of men in speedos and swimming caps.
They were the sperm.
We heard a starting
gun. The sperm dived in.
One of them ended up on the
li-lo and embraced the woman.
The biology teacher then switches it
off,"Right,that's that." "That's what?!"
There was no finer
details. What was that?
One girl in my house,Bruschetta McQuorcodale
- real name...
She still won't go swimming
for fear of getting pregnant.
Right,now I can,I can do
this. I can get romantic.
I can do it for all boarding
school girls up and down the nation.
I...am an erotic ovum. Ha-ha.
Just leaving,au revoir. Or should
I say,"Ich werde sie bald sehen."
Ja.
Could do better! Ha,ha!
Woo-ing,woo-ing.
Woo-ing.
Woo-ing. Woo-ing.
Stevie,hi. Do you notice
anything different about me?
I've just bought some boots
for the Tango class tonight.
I now feel have the
walk of a true woman.
Do I look romantically available?
If camp is available then,yeah.
Sorry,how is this camp?
Customer. Customer. Hello.
Hi. These are fun,aren't they?
Going to a fancy dress?
Why don't you try one of these?
Real hair!
Buongiorno.
- What's up with you?
- Nothing at all.
The Jacuzzi was finished yesterday.
We've hardly been out of it.
As your father says,"Bubbles
hide a multitude of sins,
"and suggest a multitude of others."
Unacceptable information.
I was a bit concerned because the
plumber that installed it was...
..(a woman.)
So?
I know they can plumb just
as well,but it's not right.
A woman knowing...
No,you see all I'm seeing is...
The ins and outs of a loo!
All right!
Oh! What (enormous) WIG HAIR.
The wrong way round!
Well,right,I must be,what
I call...heading off.
It's heading off. Not just
what you call heading off...
You father has ordered a
mid-afternoon jacuzzi session...
Ooh! Eh?
No,she's not going to put me off.
Tonight,"Adios,uptight Miranda."
She will be swept aside for
a feisty Argentinean damsel.
I am going to create
the romantic moment.
For tonight is the night
when "dos become uno".
Bonne chance.
Ja.
That's right,keep as close as you can.
Mmm! You two are very good together.
'Miranda...'Customer!
I am so sorry. Let me help you up.
No,please,please don't touch me again.
I wish it was the first
time I'd heard that.
Fantastico! Muy sensual!
You,it's a bit camp.
- Can't believe that Chris and Alison are here as well.
- No talking!
- Sorry.
- We're teaching our bodies,every sinew to talk.
Wow,she's amazing.
Stop! Stop!
Que bailar como un hipopotamo!
You will not learn when
you dance with her. Chris...
- You...are a natural. Do you mind?
- Really?
- Well,I do a bit.
- Silence!
Musica.
Aren't you the lucky
one,eh,Miranda?Phwoar.
- What is she like?!
- A nightmare!
Miranda,what are you doing?
What's that saying? "It
takes three to tango."
Carry on. Nothing to see here.
That was great!
Ooh,yes. Yes,that was great. Yeah.
- So you're going to advanced next week?
- Well,might as well.
- You don't mind do you?
- No! Why would I mind?
Of course I don't mind.
Nothing springs to mind
about minding at all,no!
You're not actually going
to eat that kebab are you?
No,I bought it just to chuck in a bin(!)
I'm unashamed to admit that,for
me,this is the dog's bollocks.
It probably literally is.
You should put it in the bin.
No! Come on,Miranda,it's disgusting.
I like it. You're such a food snob.
- Just put it in the bin.
- No!
- Come on put it in the bin. Miranda,just put it...
- I want to EAT IT.
I'd take this over some
of your fancy dishes.
I really thought you understood my work.
I give up,it's completely pointless.
Aroused again.
He's coming back!
Maybe he's felt the arousal
too. This could be a moment.
- Right,I'm not apologising. I'm still angry.
- Yes.
- I've had a thought.
- Yes!
- Tomorrow night,I'm going to give you a proper...
- Take me!
Cooking lesson. What?
* Take...me...on. *
* Take on me *
* I'll be there, *
* Ooh,ooh-ooh,oooh! *
Just some A-ha.
Sorry,did you say
cooking lesson? Excellent.
No,that sounds great,great.
Good,good. Well,enjoy your kebab.
I will.
Ohhh. That's a chilli.
Very hot. No,I still like it.
Hot! Hot! Hot!
* Both a little scared
Neither one prepared *
* Beauty and the beast. *
So,how was it?
I got tango-ed out of a dance class
by a frightening dance teacher,
had an argument with
Gary,found him sexy,
thought there was going to be
moment,got offered a cooking lesson.
It's all your fault,Stevie.
I tried to create a romantic
moment,I keep ending up in lessons.
This will be the third in two days and
you know I hate being reminded of school.
No! No,this could be good.
You think he's sexy when he's angry.
Yeah. Well,a cooking
lesson... angry chef...
Anger becomes sexual
chemistry,like in the films.
Perhaps it wasn't a moment
cos I wasn't angry too!
Exactly! Furious chef,angry
pupil,food everywhere.
Fiery,very filmic,where we can do
nothing but rip each others clothes off.
The trouble is,you can't
handle the world of shenanigans.
No,no,no. That girl's
still very much gone.
I'm still an Argentinian whore.
Well...not a whore,but (sexual).
You know,a couple of notches down
from whore.Pre-doing it for money.
Ah! Oh! Here he is. He's here!
There he is. And you've
both been...again.
And that's fine. That's fine,yeah.
It's just (sex). (Sex).
Sex. Sex! SEX! There!
You see,I said it. It's fine.
We all do it,don't we?
Well,some of us try.
But it doesn't matter! No. It's
all just willies and front bottoms.
We all have them.
One of them. Not many people are
blessed with having both,I imagine.
I mean,what's weird about a man pushing
his Michael Phelps to reach her li-lo?
Right,better head off. Au
chante,la belle dame du soir.
Peut-etre la prochaine
fois une disco locale.
I'm fine with this. Oh,it's lovely.
Oh,that's a bit much!
Put her down,please.Put
her down and off you pop.
Thank you. You disgust me.
So if you can make a ratatouille
you've got a delicious basic
you can use with pasta,rice,add meat...
- Try and get the chunks the same size.
- You bollocking bastard!
Now you going to get
all Ramsay on my ass?
Yeah,you know that's not my style.
OK. So now you've made
the fresh tomato sauce.
Now to stop it drying out I'm just
going to add some tinned tomato.
Why didn't you just do this in the
first place? I prefer these anyway.
Prefer tinned? To a fresh sauce?
(This'll work. Bring on the moment.)
Tinned to your sauces.I find
them a bit stodgy that's all.
You've done nothing but
insult my cooking recently.
- Are you trying to wind me up?
- No! I just prefer these,that's all.
You're acting like a wife who won't
tell her husband why she's angry.
I wouldn't know would
I? Safety wife aged 55.
Most people set their safety
marriages at 40. At the latest.
Because most people have
the idea when they're 20,
not when they're single
in their mid-30's.
34 is not mid-30's.It's late 20's!
You're acting as if you're six.
You're excitable,then you're angry.
It's the new me. I'm being
impulsive,a lover of life,a lover.
New tastes,new experiences...
Ooh,urgh! Garlic...
It's not funny.
I'm being erotic. Puncture my li-lo.
For Bruschetta.
- You want some bruschetta?
- No!
You idiot!
You did that deliberately!I
thought mine was empty. Oh...
This is the moment,but
it's so not the moment.
The films are wrong. You're
just angry and covered in sauce!
- You're such a child.
- You're a child.
You're a child!
* And after all that's
been said and done *
* You're just the part
of me I can't let go *
* After all that we've been through *
* I will make it up to you *
* I promise you. *
Has any one seen my pants?
Right! That's it! Come on.
Mr Clayton. Don't move before
tying the gown a little safer.
Saw it!
Could do better.
Miranda,darling,can I
stay? The Jacuzzi's flooded.
That's it.Everybody in.
* My baby just cares for me *
* My baby don't care
for cars and races *
* My baby don't care for... *
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milanda
Season01 Episode 02
I can't hear you and I'm not interested.
No,I am.
I'm not. So back to me.
Now,previously in my life...I proved
that living alone can be genuine fun.
I really embarrassed
myself in front of Gary.
Yeah. As long as you fill
it with good sausage meat.
Ooh,naughty!
I know. And what else? oh,yes. My
mother showed me her holiday photos.
Around the headland there
was another lovely beach...
Was the whole island nudist?
Oh,that's a good one of your father.
Stop zooming in!
You never recover from
something like that.
Quickly,on with the show...
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milanda
Season01 Episode 02
Right,taster number four.
Maybe you'll enjoy this one.
Gratinee de Saint Jacques...
I love having a chef friend.
- Because you appreciate fine food?
- It's more that it's free food.
Free food!
That's it. You clearly
don't appreciate my work,
I go to all this effort,all you
can say about it is it's free.
I've never been more aroused.
Off putting. They're doing that
kissing but not kissing thing.
Either do or don't!
- That's Chris and Alison,they're lovely.
- It's a bit much.
Now,Gary,now that was delicious.
Thank you,Chris. It's a
new menu I'm working on.
We thought so,didn't we,Mr Papa Bear?
Yes,we did,my wet nosed cub.
Such a good chef.
Said it at the same time!
And said that at the same time.
Oh,lovely(!)
Yes,sorry this is my friend Miranda.
Hello,lovely.
- Puddings? Puddings.
- Puddings. Puddings.
Puddings,my wet nosed cub.
Stop it. Actually,it's
a really sweet story.
They were friends at university,and they said
they'd get married if they were still single at 40.
She was his safety wife?
People actually do that?
They don't look 40.
They're not. He took her off
to Paris last year and proposed.
- Do you have a safety wife?
- No.
- Why,are you offering?
- Yes,please,very much so,thanks for asking,
thank you please very much please.
OK. All right. So what age
would we set the date at?
55? 35?
55,I meant 55. 55?
35? That's next year. You're meant
to allow time to meet Mr Right first.
No. Exactly. Of course,
absolutely cos we don't want this.
This would not be ideal. Grim.
Yuckety yuck at you.
You make me feel bleugh.
So...yeah. Just to be safe,I
know it's 21 years hence,
but should I book a venue?
Oh,sorry.55 is insulting.
Well,as I say,it works so you
allow time to meet the one.
But if something happens before
you're 55 then you don't ignore it.
If there's a "moment",then clearly the
rules are you go to Paris and get engaged.
A moment.
Deal with this Miranda. Elegance.
Stevie,Stevie,Stevie,Stevie,Stevie,Stevie,Stevie,Stevie...
I'm busy! I've got to leave
early to talk to my builders.
Yeah,but I've got news.
Anyway,this is a night
school prospectus.
Yes. I'm doing a French course
and I'll tell you pour quoi...
so we can start to go
international,sales wise...
Two things to say,firstly...
and,secondly,needy,high maintenance friend with news
- Bonjour!
Gather please. Right.
Gary has asked me to be his safety wife.
But,he said,obviously,if something happens before
then we wouldn't ignore it. If there was a moment.
He's considering there might
be a moment between us,Stevie.
I've got to create a
moment and do some woo-ing.
It's harder to say
than you imagine,that.
Woo-ing.
Woo-ing.
Getting away from the point...
I need to create a romantic,spontaneous
moment so Gary sees me in a "sexual" light.
Sorry how is Gary ever
going to see YOU in a...
No,no,what I mean is,you're...
No,you're just not
very,you know,you know.
No,what I mean is,you know,you
don't have... No,what you're,
what you're not... you're not like me.
You're just,you're just very
British aren't you? I mean say "sex".
Sex.
You know I don't like to say it.
I prefer the term "shenanigans".
Sounds nicer. And you're British!
British in nationality,yeah,but when it comes
to the language of love,I'm practically Spanish.
Just a look in my eye and
pheromones are released. Ahem.
Only me,darling. Hi,Stevie,how are you?
- OK. Although...
- Just a turn of phrase.
Can I leave this with you?
Your old diaries. Which I have to
say,make very interesting reading.
- You read them?!
- Of course. Like Anne Frank but more depressing.
Can't they stay at home?
No. We've cleared out your room because we've
extended the bathroom and we're fitting a jacuzzi.
Must dash
- the Evening News'll be out.
We're looking at the personals to find you someone
and I don't want your father to start without me.
He only circles white people
and I've told him,when it comes to finding
you a husband,we can't afford to be racist.
We will consider a black man.
You can say "black". It's fine.
Are you sure it's not racist?
No.
Oh,well then I do love a BLACK man!
Such fun!
That mouthing words thing's
a real middle class tick.
At least she was doing
it properly this time.
She gets confused and does
it the wrong way round.
The other day she said,"You know
those two women next door? LESBIANS."
Exactly. Stevie always
underestimates me.
I knew I could do romance.
* Summer lovin' had me a blast... *
Ooh,it's our song!
* Summer lovin' happened so fast... *
* I met a girl crazy for me... *
* I met a guy cute as can be *
* Summer days driftin' away
to uh-oh,those summer nights *
*
Well-ah,well-ah,well-ah *
* Uh! Tell me more,tell me more *
* Like did he have a car? *
This is not a hoover being a man!
- Stevie!
- Miranda,I've got subsidence.
Please can I stay with you? Thanks.
I've got a Gary plan.
- Come in!
- Thank you.
Although,I was thinking
maybe I shouldn't bother.
I don't even know if I want a
relationship.Somebody knowing everything about me.
I mean,do I really want somebody knowing
that sometimes I dress up as the Queen
and record her speech and I watch it back to
see what it would be like if I was the Queen.
- Do you actually do that?
- No.
You can stay,but please
don't take over my life.
You'll hardly notice me!
Especially if Gary's here...
OK,your plan?
Why don't you come with me
to my French course? Yes?
Passionate,sophisticated
language,mon cherie.
- Are you saying I'm unsophisticated?
- Bottom.
Bottom!
Remembering my school days isn't
going to help me feel passionate.
Apparently the teacher is
cute.Although if he is he's mine.
- Come on,you need a bit of chic to get you in the romantic zone.
- OK.
I refer you to the last time you
attempted something in this field.
Hi there.
Hi.
So...
So...
Do you want kids?
You liked school,this
is freaking me out.
"Don't run in the
corridor,pull your skirt down."
What is this?
- This is God's way of telling me not to bother.
- Just relax.
And always "could do better" from the French
teacher who thought a leather jacket made him cool.
Oh,wow,he's LOVELY.
Cute smile.
Oh,it's him! He will be mine.
- That's Mr Clayton,my old French teacher.
- No way!
Way. Really way. Very much way.
It's really cringey seeing
a teacher after 20 years.
It's feelings of fear,embarrassment...
Primarily embarrassment.
Right,I'm going to go
before he can see me.
I'm stuck in the chair.
- Stevie,I'm stuck in the chair.
- He's about to start.
Bonjour la classe.
Qu'est ce que ce'st passez?
Pardon,monsieur. Je suis dans le...
..Wrong room.
Miranda?
Ce ne pas me,zut alors!
Je suis...on me way oot!
Sounded Scottish?!
It is you.
Back for more? French was never
your metier,I seem to remember.
No,no,but German has become my bag...
Mein...bag.
Oh,yeah,I've done
pretty well with my life.
Yes,I use the German
for my fashion business.
So,I think you'll find
I COULDN'T do better.
If I did better...I'd be God.
Good evening to you.
Do you need help with the chair issue?
The chair issue?
There isn't a chair issue.
This is part of my Autumn range.
Practical fashion. It looks good...
Sure thing. Want some of that!
But it's practical.
You can sit down whenever and
wherever you so need to do.
This has been one of life's true
pleasures. Good evening. Bonsoir.
Mortifying. I need to get it
off. Feeling claustrophobic.
Afternoon.
Right. Just need to pull myself off.
Don't.
Oh... And,released. God.
Urgh,school corridors
- freaky.
Why weren't we allowed
to run in them,actually?
I can't believe I thought evening
classes would help me get romantic.
Hello.
Gary?
- Yep! Hi.
- Hi.
Listen,I wanted to say sorry
about the whole food thing earlier.
And to make it up to you...
how about a tango class tomorrow night?
- Oh,I adore Tango.
- Well,you go Clive.
No,the offer wasn't for Clive.
I was regional under-12 champion.
- You'll go top of the class with Clive.
- I don't want to!
My speciality is cape work. Clive
should definitely be your partner.
I don't want Clive to be my partner!
If you don't stop talking about Tango,I'll
strangle you with this tablecloth!
So,Gary,will you come?
What about Clive?
No,thanks,I hate Tango. I always
have. I despise it. It's abhorrent,
it's a perversion of all that is
good and natural in this world.
- I hate it,DIRTY,DIRTY,DIRTY!
- That's enough!
So,Gary?
Yeah,sure. Why not?
I'm up for a challenge.
* You are beautiful No
matter what they say *
* Words can't bring me down,yeah *
* You are beautiful
in every single way. *
* So don't you bring me down today. *
SHE GASPS Mr Clayton in pants!
Oh,gosh,I am so sorry,sir.
- Hey,come on now,call me Keith.
- Keith.
Teachers having first
names was always funny!
I really am very,very sorry.
Don't worry. I was just
about to have a shower.
Stevie! Urgh!
I can't be... Urgh!I can't believe...
- "Oh,you'll hardly notice me."
- I couldn't help it.
He took me to a fantastic
restaurant and I tell you,
an older man knows foreplay.
Oh,sorry. We got a little
bit carried away on the sofa.
Oh,and on the chair.
Ooh! God!
Is there anywhere I'm safe?
- Oh,not there.
- Ooh!What's that?!
People have sex,stop being
so middle class about it.
Stevie,that was my old French teacher!
He's seen me in gym knickers.I don't want
someone in my home that's seen me in gym knickers.
I don't want anyone thinking
about me in gym knickers.
Oh,you disgust me.
Please say you're not seeing him again.
- You're always saying you want me to have more fun.
- Not that much fun!
I'm going to open the shop.
I blame boarding school entirely for not
being able to cope with the (sex) department.
Sorry,what is this... Urgh!
We just weren't taught the
birds and the bees properly.
All we had was a weird video
in Biology about conception.
We saw this heart-shaped swimming
pool,in the middle of which was a li-lo,
with a woman lying on it looking erotic
- she was the ovum.
On the outside were a whole mass
of men in speedos and swimming caps.
They were the sperm.
We heard a starting
gun. The sperm dived in.
One of them ended up on the
li-lo and embraced the woman.
The biology teacher then switches it
off,"Right,that's that." "That's what?!"
There was no finer
details. What was that?
One girl in my house,Bruschetta McQuorcodale
- real name...
She still won't go swimming
for fear of getting pregnant.
Right,now I can,I can do
this. I can get romantic.
I can do it for all boarding
school girls up and down the nation.
I...am an erotic ovum. Ha-ha.
Just leaving,au revoir. Or should
I say,"Ich werde sie bald sehen."
Ja.
Could do better! Ha,ha!
Woo-ing,woo-ing.
Woo-ing.
Woo-ing. Woo-ing.
Stevie,hi. Do you notice
anything different about me?
I've just bought some boots
for the Tango class tonight.
I now feel have the
walk of a true woman.
Do I look romantically available?
If camp is available then,yeah.
Sorry,how is this camp?
Customer. Customer. Hello.
Hi. These are fun,aren't they?
Going to a fancy dress?
Why don't you try one of these?
Real hair!
Buongiorno.
- What's up with you?
- Nothing at all.
The Jacuzzi was finished yesterday.
We've hardly been out of it.
As your father says,"Bubbles
hide a multitude of sins,
"and suggest a multitude of others."
Unacceptable information.
I was a bit concerned because the
plumber that installed it was...
..(a woman.)
So?
I know they can plumb just
as well,but it's not right.
A woman knowing...
No,you see all I'm seeing is...
The ins and outs of a loo!
All right!
Oh! What (enormous) WIG HAIR.
The wrong way round!
Well,right,I must be,what
I call...heading off.
It's heading off. Not just
what you call heading off...
You father has ordered a
mid-afternoon jacuzzi session...
Ooh! Eh?
No,she's not going to put me off.
Tonight,"Adios,uptight Miranda."
She will be swept aside for
a feisty Argentinean damsel.
I am going to create
the romantic moment.
For tonight is the night
when "dos become uno".
Bonne chance.
Ja.
That's right,keep as close as you can.
Mmm! You two are very good together.
'Miranda...'Customer!
I am so sorry. Let me help you up.
No,please,please don't touch me again.
I wish it was the first
time I'd heard that.
Fantastico! Muy sensual!
You,it's a bit camp.
- Can't believe that Chris and Alison are here as well.
- No talking!
- Sorry.
- We're teaching our bodies,every sinew to talk.
Wow,she's amazing.
Stop! Stop!
Que bailar como un hipopotamo!
You will not learn when
you dance with her. Chris...
- You...are a natural. Do you mind?
- Really?
- Well,I do a bit.
- Silence!
Musica.
Aren't you the lucky
one,eh,Miranda?Phwoar.
- What is she like?!
- A nightmare!
Miranda,what are you doing?
What's that saying? "It
takes three to tango."
Carry on. Nothing to see here.
That was great!
Ooh,yes. Yes,that was great. Yeah.
- So you're going to advanced next week?
- Well,might as well.
- You don't mind do you?
- No! Why would I mind?
Of course I don't mind.
Nothing springs to mind
about minding at all,no!
You're not actually going
to eat that kebab are you?
No,I bought it just to chuck in a bin(!)
I'm unashamed to admit that,for
me,this is the dog's bollocks.
It probably literally is.
You should put it in the bin.
No! Come on,Miranda,it's disgusting.
I like it. You're such a food snob.
- Just put it in the bin.
- No!
- Come on put it in the bin. Miranda,just put it...
- I want to EAT IT.
I'd take this over some
of your fancy dishes.
I really thought you understood my work.
I give up,it's completely pointless.
Aroused again.
He's coming back!
Maybe he's felt the arousal
too. This could be a moment.
- Right,I'm not apologising. I'm still angry.
- Yes.
- I've had a thought.
- Yes!
- Tomorrow night,I'm going to give you a proper...
- Take me!
Cooking lesson. What?
* Take...me...on. *
* Take on me *
* I'll be there, *
* Ooh,ooh-ooh,oooh! *
Just some A-ha.
Sorry,did you say
cooking lesson? Excellent.
No,that sounds great,great.
Good,good. Well,enjoy your kebab.
I will.
Ohhh. That's a chilli.
Very hot. No,I still like it.
Hot! Hot! Hot!
* Both a little scared
Neither one prepared *
* Beauty and the beast. *
So,how was it?
I got tango-ed out of a dance class
by a frightening dance teacher,
had an argument with
Gary,found him sexy,
thought there was going to be
moment,got offered a cooking lesson.
It's all your fault,Stevie.
I tried to create a romantic
moment,I keep ending up in lessons.
This will be the third in two days and
you know I hate being reminded of school.
No! No,this could be good.
You think he's sexy when he's angry.
Yeah. Well,a cooking
lesson... angry chef...
Anger becomes sexual
chemistry,like in the films.
Perhaps it wasn't a moment
cos I wasn't angry too!
Exactly! Furious chef,angry
pupil,food everywhere.
Fiery,very filmic,where we can do
nothing but rip each others clothes off.
The trouble is,you can't
handle the world of shenanigans.
No,no,no. That girl's
still very much gone.
I'm still an Argentinian whore.
Well...not a whore,but (sexual).
You know,a couple of notches down
from whore.Pre-doing it for money.
Ah! Oh! Here he is. He's here!
There he is. And you've
both been...again.
And that's fine. That's fine,yeah.
It's just (sex). (Sex).
Sex. Sex! SEX! There!
You see,I said it. It's fine.
We all do it,don't we?
Well,some of us try.
But it doesn't matter! No. It's
all just willies and front bottoms.
We all have them.
One of them. Not many people are
blessed with having both,I imagine.
I mean,what's weird about a man pushing
his Michael Phelps to reach her li-lo?
Right,better head off. Au
chante,la belle dame du soir.
Peut-etre la prochaine
fois une disco locale.
I'm fine with this. Oh,it's lovely.
Oh,that's a bit much!
Put her down,please.Put
her down and off you pop.
Thank you. You disgust me.
So if you can make a ratatouille
you've got a delicious basic
you can use with pasta,rice,add meat...
- Try and get the chunks the same size.
- You bollocking bastard!
Now you going to get
all Ramsay on my ass?
Yeah,you know that's not my style.
OK. So now you've made
the fresh tomato sauce.
Now to stop it drying out I'm just
going to add some tinned tomato.
Why didn't you just do this in the
first place? I prefer these anyway.
Prefer tinned? To a fresh sauce?
(This'll work. Bring on the moment.)
Tinned to your sauces.I find
them a bit stodgy that's all.
You've done nothing but
insult my cooking recently.
- Are you trying to wind me up?
- No! I just prefer these,that's all.
You're acting like a wife who won't
tell her husband why she's angry.
I wouldn't know would
I? Safety wife aged 55.
Most people set their safety
marriages at 40. At the latest.
Because most people have
the idea when they're 20,
not when they're single
in their mid-30's.
34 is not mid-30's.It's late 20's!
You're acting as if you're six.
You're excitable,then you're angry.
It's the new me. I'm being
impulsive,a lover of life,a lover.
New tastes,new experiences...
Ooh,urgh! Garlic...
It's not funny.
I'm being erotic. Puncture my li-lo.
For Bruschetta.
- You want some bruschetta?
- No!
You idiot!
You did that deliberately!I
thought mine was empty. Oh...
This is the moment,but
it's so not the moment.
The films are wrong. You're
just angry and covered in sauce!
- You're such a child.
- You're a child.
You're a child!
* And after all that's
been said and done *
* You're just the part
of me I can't let go *
* After all that we've been through *
* I will make it up to you *
* I promise you. *
Has any one seen my pants?
Right! That's it! Come on.
Mr Clayton. Don't move before
tying the gown a little safer.
Saw it!
Could do better.
Miranda,darling,can I
stay? The Jacuzzi's flooded.
That's it.Everybody in.
* My baby just cares for me *
* My baby don't care
for cars and races *
* My baby don't care for... *
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milanda
Season01 Episode 02