Miracle Workers (2019–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Roland Proudheart - full transcript

Scraps, come on!
We're gonna be late

for the dress-your-pet contest.

[ Groans ]

This sucks.

All my friends
are gonna be there.

Tinker Bell and Jaja are gonna
think I'm a friggin' jackass.

You look adorable!

Now waggle your widdle stinger
for Mommy.

Look, I am sick of
embarrassing myself

for your own
private amusement.

I'm a man, damn it.



Hey, you're getting
a little unruly, boy.

Sit.
No.

I'm serious.
I don't wanna.

Sit.

Now shake.

Look at me.

There's my good boy!

There's my good boy!

You know what
would be so cute?

A little jar of honey.

I'll be right back,
my little bumblebee.

Mom! Come --

It's not fair.

Is it too much to ask for
a little dignity and respect?



[ Yelps ] Let go!

Man: Get him in there!

[ Shouting ] Ow!

Go, go, go!

♪♪

Scraps!

Scraps?

♪♪

Bad news, guys.

Lenny from Accounting died,

Which means we're a man short
on our kickball team,

and we're gonna have to
forfeit the game this weekend.

I know.
It's a tragedy.

The kickball part, I mean.

Morning, everyone.
So sorry I'm late.

Uh, Freya needed to use the car
this morning,

so I had to take the bus,
and the bus was delayed.

And then it finally got there,
and, surprise, surprise,

we were ambushed
by child soldiers.

Whoa. Sid, you can't
just burst in here

sweating like a desert pig.

We have an image to uphold
in this office.

For instance, when you look
at me, what do you see?

Oh, um, an odd little man
in a top hat?

I was gonna say success.

Success? Yes.

Whereas when people look at you,
they see bus.

[ Laughs ] Freaking epic slam
from the boss man.

Thank you, Devon.
I like you today.

Get yourself cleaned up.

And you might want to take those
tiny knives out of your back.

What? Oh! Ow!

Stupid child soldiers.

Aah!

Oh, work with me, man.
I'm sure we can work out a deal.

Let me go, and in exchange,

I'll report you and send
your asses to prison!

[ Panting ]

♪♪

Roland!

You're home.

Mwah!
Oh, I'm sorry, lady,

but I think you're giving
the wrong guy a boner.

Look, I-I'm not Roland.

My -- my name is Scraps.

Oh, you poor thing.
You must have been brainwashed.

You are Roland Proudheart.

You saved our whole village

from the evil warlord
Freya Exaltada.

But I never gave up hope that
we'd find you again one day.

♪♪

Why is everyone nodding at me
with warmth and admiration?

Because they respect you.

You are our brave leader,
my beloved husband,

and a wonderful father.

I'm a father?

Kids, come say hi
to your dad.

Father!
We missed you so.

My children!

Come to papa!

[ Laughs happily ]

[ Children chattering ]

Yeah, what do you think
of this one?

Pretty good condition.

A few dings here and there,
obviously.

You're joking, right?
It doesn't have any wheels.

That's fine.
I can just lift it over my waist

and run, like this.

No!
We can do better than that.

Okay.
How about this one?

This car is actively on fire.

It might knock
the price down.

Sid, you can't drive around
in a piece of crap.

No, you need something
with some swagger, you know?

Like --

Ah! Like this.

What a beauty.

Now, this is a car!

Is it a car?

It's a Bifi.

It gets great mileage,
doesn't require fossil fuels,

and, most importantly,
it is baller AF.

I mean,
it's definitely cool.

Big thighs.

Solid bulge.

But, yeah,
I-I-I don't know, man.

I just -- I don't think
I can pull it off.

I'm not that kind of guy.

Sid, you need more confidence
than that.

Just jump in, huh?
See how it feels.

Um, how do I, uh --
Oh.
[ Grunts ]

Oh. Oh.
Okay.

Alright.

Ooh! It's, uh --

Wow!
Yeah, that's pretty nice.

You feel powerful.
Oh, and the seat's warm.

Feels good, right?

Do you want me to ask
about a payment plan?

No. No need.

I will be paying
in bird beaks.

♪♪

Oh-ho!
[ Grunting ]

Listen to this baby purr.

Puppet Freya:
I am the evil witch Freya!

I'm going to burn your village
to the ground!

Crowd: Boo!

Not if I have anything
to say about it!

[ Crowd cheers ]

Oh, no!

Not Roland!
Nyah!

Damn, I'm awesome!

Roland? Why are you sitting
on the ground?

You sit at the head
of the table.

Oh, right. Yeah.

'Cause in your eyes, I'm a man
and not a subhuman animal.

[ Sighs ]

What would you like to eat?

I'm -- I'm sorry.
I can have whatever I want?

Mm-hmm.
Can I have ice cream?

Your iced cream, Father.

[ Laughs ] Wowie-zowie!

Someone's gonna be
barfin' tonight!

Why don't you, uh, save some of
that appetite for the bedroom.

Oh. I think I follow.

I get to sleep in the bed.

[ Laughs ] Oh, Roland!

You still have your same
dry sense of humor.

I'll boil your bones
to make my broth! Nyah!

Is that supposed to be me?
[ Crowd gasping ]

That's not what
I sound like.

Nyah!
[ Crowd screaming ]

Freya.

How did you find me?

You're chipped, remember?

Now, come on.
Let's go home.

I got to stick your
flea medication up your butt.

You dare show your face here
after keeping him prisoner

in your evil witch lair?
Whoa.

Okay, first of all,
not loving the witch language.

It's feeling very gendered
to me.

And Scraps isn't my prisoner,
okay?

He's my pet.
And he likes it.

Tell 'em, boy.

What is she talking about,
dear?

I --

I have no idea.

Must be another one
of her witch lies!

[ Gasps ]

And my name is not
Scraps.

It's Goland.

Roland.
Roland.

Seize her!

[ Crowd shouting ]

Whoa. Okay.

Ow!

Dick.

Hey, how you doin'?

Hey, you like the new ride?

Yeah, it's the new Bifi.
No big deal.

Hello, Boomtown.

My car is a human man now.

Ha ha!

Hey, babes.
Enjoying the view?

[ Bifi "revs" ]

[ Women giggle ]

Oh, check out that guy.

I bet he has a lot of sex.

♪♪

Whoa, wait!
Sid?

Hey, fellas.

Like the new ride?
[ Grunts, laughs ]

Yeah, I sprung
for the black on black.

And -- check this out --
voice-activated.

Bifi, self-park.

Self-parking activated.

[ Imitating backup beeping ]

[ Beeping speeds up ]

Wow!
Sid, I am impressed.

I didn't know
you had it in you.

Never heard of a bus
that drove a car.

Remember, boss?
He's a bus?

Shut up, Devon.

Clearly, Sid is better
than you now.

Come on, Sid.
Lunch is on me.

Devon, why don't you go
kill yourself

or eat crap or whatever.

♪♪

[ Imitating car alarm ]

Your breakfast,
my handsome man.

Ice cream again?

Belinda,
you know me so well.

Last night was amazing.

My leg is still sore from all
the hours you humped it.

Rawr! [ Laughs ]

What's the matter,
Miss Muffet?

You're not eating
your kibble.

Ha ha.
I get it.

You're treating me
like your subservient pet

so I know what it feels like
to be in your shoes.

Oh, man,
I didn't even think about that.

But yeah,
it makes it so much better.

Okay.
Well, you had your fun.

Now unlock my chains so I can
burn this place to the ground

and we can go home.
Mm!

This is my home.

People here treat me
with the dignity

and respect
that I so fully deserve.

[ Farts ]

Sorry.
Ice-cream farts.

Dude!
Right in my face.

Well, I'm all done
with breakfast.

Time to nap until lunch.

Oh, dear, they're expecting you
in the fields.

Oh, man, I have to work now?

But I was just gonna sit on
my ass and do nothing all day.

That's kind of my thing.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, there's
that dry wit again.

You wouldn't be the most
respected man in the village

if you weren't also
the hardest-working.

Y--
Godfrey: Come, Father.

Let us till the soil
till our fingers bleed.

Huzzah!
Why don't you shut
your shitty mouth,

you little brown-noser?!

I mean, um...

I love you, Son.

Let's go and do it --
work.

♪♪

Come on.

Mmm!

Weird texture, but not bad.

I cannot tell you how much
this Bifi has changed my life.

Yeah, the old Sid was such
an insecure loser, you know?

Probably 'cause he never knew
his parents

and grew up alone
and afraid.

Ha! [ Laughs ]

Hey, so, Freya told me that

Scraps got kidnapped,
and she left to go rescue him.

Oh, hey, did you hear they're
bringing out the new Bifi XL?

It's just two Bifis
holding hands.

Cool!

Hey, Sid, it seems like you're
talking about your Bifi a lot.

I-It's cool that
you're so into it,

but you're starting to sound
a little bit like a Bifi Bro.

Oh, thank you so much.
No, that's not a good thing.

A Bifi Bro is someone
who makes owning a Bifi

into their entire personality.

It's one of the worst kinds
of douchebags there is,

right up there with Crypto Dork
and Paleo Schmuck.

Oh, Tai.

You know, I never took you
for the jealous type.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to attend a meeting
of my fellow Bifi owners.

We're gonna take pictures
with our Bifis

and discuss why no one else
will talk to us.

Let's go, Bifi.

[ Bifi grunting ]

[ "Tires" squeal ]

[ Bifi grunting ]
Huh?

What? Tai?

What -- what are you doing?

I'm sorry.
I can't be responsible

for letting another Bifi Bro
out into the universe.

The world is bad enough
as is.

Are you kidding me?!
Get your hands off my Bifi!

Never!
I ought to go loco
on you, man!

Loco Mode engaged.

What? [ Screams ]

Sid!
[ Bifi yelling ]

Sid!

Family, we are back from
an excellent day of hard labor.

Isn't that right, Father?

I wanna die, but I'm too tired
to kill myself.

Oh!

Oh, at least
I can finally relax. [ Sighs ]

Oh, not just yet, you can't.

You still have to help
Agatha with her homework.

After that, you can
clean the dishes

and put the little ones
to bed.

Hey, we're back
from my walk.

You didn't tell me
how liberating it is

to piss in public.

I just walked straight up
to a fire hydrant

and was like, "Blamo!"

Do you realize
that being a man

comes with all
these responsibilities?

It's like the only reason
people respect me is because

I'm a loving husband,
an active father,

and contribute to
the community at large.

Ugh.

Hey, I know it's a lot,
but you can do it.

You know, I hate to admit this,
but you make a pretty great man.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Oh, thanks, Freya.

You know, that's really
big of you,

given how I've been
treating you lately.

Oh, you know me.

I don't hold grudges.

Just water under the bridge,
my friend.

Que sera, sera.

Alright, well, I guess
I should start helping

Agatha with her homework.

♪♪

And I can start burning this
mother effer to the ground.

[ Chuckles evilly ]

[ All shouting ]

Sid! You need to get the Bifi
under control!

Check the owner's manual!

Okay.
Loco Mode, Loco Mode.

"How to turn off Loco Mode."

"There is no way
to turn off Loco Mode."

Aah!
I'm gonna die!

[ Screaming ]

[ Stops screaming ]
Looking good, ladies.

[ Continues screaming ]
Help me!

Get out of the way!

Morris: Don't worry,
he's in the junkyard now.

Not much damage
he could do there.

[ Bifi and Sid shouting ]

Oh, no!
Not the fine china!

[ Glass shattering ]

[ Groans ]

Okay, so, say a man toils
in the field for nine hours,

and then add three hours
of chores around the house

and then two hours
of family time.

So much time does that leave
for the man to have for himself?

No time, Agatha!

It leaves no time!

Dear, have you seen
Miss Muffet?

Her chain is unlocked.

Well, that's impossible,
because I got the keys right --

Oh, no.

Freya:
Calling all ass wipes!

You stole my war dog.

You forced me into
this ridiculous outfit --

which I'm killing,
by the way.

Well, now I'm gonna burn your
stinkin' village to the ground!

[ Cackles evilly ]

Hmm. It's not catching.

Uh, does anyone have newspaper?

Or a piece of cardboard?

[ Crowd chattering,
chickens clucking ]

Anyone?

Roland, you have to go out there
and stop her.

Are you kidding me?
She's gonna kick my ass.

Couldn't we just have
the girl do it?

It's your responsibility
to protect us.

Are you not a man?

Ugh! Yeah, I'm a --
I'm a man.

Stupid town
always needs saving.

[ Both shouting ]

♪♪

Boy, for a guy
screaming like a maniac,

he still looks pretty cool.

♪♪

Sid, that tower of junk
is gonna collapse!

You have to jump!

No!
I can't leave the Bifi behind!

Well, if you don't jump,
you'll die!

I'd rather die than go back
to the old Sid!

He makes a pretty
convincing argument.

Maybe he should die.

I'm gonna have to do this
on my own.

[ Screaming continues ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Heroic music plays ]

♪♪

[ Sid screaming ]

[ Beeping ]

♪♪

Bingo.

♪♪

Hey!

Eat shirt!

Mommy!
Ooh!

Right in the nards.

You hate to see that.

[ Bifi groaning ]

No! No!
No, no, no!

Let me go! No!

Don't take me away
from the Bifi!

No! No!

No! Bifi!

Uh-oh.
Bifi!

[ Clanging, glass shattering ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Still burning
your village down.

It's just taking a sec.
Thanks for your patience.

Not if I have anything
to say about it.

Are you serious?
What? You're gonna fight me now?

That's right.

I want to sacrifice my life
for my wife and children.

It's, like,
my favorite thing to do.

I can't believe this.

After everything
I've done for you.

I got you toys to chew on,
a dirty blanket to sleep on.

I expressed your anal glands
when you were constipated.

Yeah, but you never
gave me respect!

You know, a man shouldn't have
to walk around

in ridiculous outfits or --
or eat leftovers off the floor.

No, a-a man does chores
and he works

and he has trouble
sleeping at night

because he made a dentist
appointment too early

in the morning and is worried
about getting enough sleep!

Wow.

Scraps, I didn't realize you
were so unhappy being my pet.

If this is really
what you want,

then I guess
I'll just leave you alone.

♪♪

He did it!
He defeated the witch!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Freya, wait!

What's he doing?

I take it all back, alright?

I don't want any of this work
or responsibility.

And, honestly,
the kids -- eh.

I just want to be
your war dog again.

But what about all that stuff
you were saying

about wanting dignity
and respect?

I don't need it.
It's overrated.

I just want to nap at your feet
and lick my ass all day.

You know what you have
to do then.

Oh, geez, Mom.
In front of them?

Sit.

Shake.

♪♪

Look at me.

Who's my good boy?

You're my good boy!

I guess he really is a dog.
Scraps: That tickles.

Papa?

[ Giggling ]

Let's back him up.

Owie.

♪♪

I guess that's it
for the new Sid.

Hey, maybe it's for the best.

Sure, the old Sid was a dork,

but at least he wasn't
an obnoxious douchebag.

The truth is, you never needed
the Bifi to be confident.

Morris:
You dirt turkey!

Look what you did
to my junkyard, Sid.

This is coming out of your pay,
you hear me?

Look, the junkyard is fine!

The only problem here
is you not treating

your number-one employee
with a bit of goddamn respect!

So will you get off
my ass?!

Wow. Fair enough.

Hopping off that ass now.

Go -- go clean up that mess.

My apologies.

[ Chuckles ] Wow.
Tai, it worked.

Tai?

Tai?

Tai: We may have won the battle,
but the war rages on.

As long as there are douchebags
who are too obsessed

with their expensive cars,
I'll be there --

to shoot them in the nards
with a T-shirt cannon.

For I am the Nardinator.

♪♪

Scraps: And then I was like,
"Am I drinking my pee?"

[ Laughter ]

Sid: Hey!
You found Scraps.

Yeah. We had a fun time
together, didn't we, boy?

Oh, yeah, it was great.

Well, my long-lost family
kidnapped me,

and then they kidnapped Freya,

and then we burned
the village to the ground,

and then we got ice creams.

Wait.
What was the last part?

We got ice creams.
These are rocky road.

No, no, before that.
You -- Wait.

You burned the village
to the ground?

Why?

They were just
being annoying.

Why didn't you stop her?
I don't know.

'Cause I'm not
the friggin' police.

This guy.
"I'm the police."

Alright, but at least
y-your family survived, right?

Uh-huh. Yeah. We burned
the whole village to the ground,

and my family
miraculously survived.

[ Laughter ]
You married this chaunce?

Hey, don't look at me.

No, no, no.
But, seriously, are they okay?

Because if not, that is
the darkest thing

you have ever done.

Awkward!
[ Laughs ]

Oyy!
Guys.

It's stuffy in there.
Guys, are they dead?

Guys!