Miracle Workers (2019–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Jim Carrey in the Park - full transcript

Ugh, this line
is taking so long.

People should know what
they want before they order.

Next.

Oh...what do I want?
What do I want?

Ugh.
What is "co-ffee"?

Ugh, this place
is so bougie.

Lavender-infused maggots?
Like, really?

Damn.

Okay, that's really good.

Fellow Boomtownians, not only
am I a successful businessman,

I am also a patron
of the arts.



Which is why every summer
I direct a production

from the Great Bard himself.

I speak of none other
than Jim Carrey.

Jim!

Mm, wow.
Interesting.

As you all know, last year
we had a runaway success

with our production
of "The Green One."

"How the Grinch
Stole Christmas?"

No.
Was it "Batman Forever,"

the one where he played
the Riddler?

No.
"The Mask."

Huh, guess I didn't realise
how many movies he was green in.

It's kind of crazy
when you think about it.

Anyway, this year,
I have selected



Mr. Carrey's magnum opus --

"Ace Ventura:
Pet Detective: Part Un."

Auditions will start tomorrow,

and yes, there will be
full-frontal nudity.

Mom, did you hear that?
What?

Oh, my God, someone ate
all of the samples.

Who did that?
I'm sorry, ma'am.

Whoever did that is rude.

We should go.
Go, go, go.

So excited
for friends weekend.

We haven't had quality
hang time in forever.

I know. I found
the cutest fallout shelter.

They still have
the original scratch marks

from when the inhabitants

were escaping
a radiation leak.

Oh, my God, cu-u-u-u-te.

Okay, ready.

I didn't know what to pack, so I
just brought everything I own.

Oh, I didn't realise
Sid was coming.

If this is supposed to be
just a friends thing,

I'm totally happy to sit out.

I mean, if that's
what you want,

then I am totally fine
with that.

You guys are ridiculous!

You're my two favourite people
in the world.

We're gonna have
a blast together!

Ugh, great.
Great.

Let's go.
Mommy,
you can't leave!

Remember, you told me
you'd take me to the audition.

I'll be going out
for the role of Ace.

Oh, shoot,
I forgot about that.

Sorry, but we're leaving
right now.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Ple-e-e-e-e-ase!

I promise I'll never ask you

for anything ever again
in my entire life. Please.

Fine.

So what, I'm just
driving alone with Sid?

Awesome start
to friends weekend.

Hmm?

Are you sure
that I should go?

I really get the impression
Tai does not like me.

Are you kidding?
Tai loves you!

He just has a super sarcastic
sense of humour,

but you'll get
used to it.

Come on,
you fugly-ass bitch.

You are too much.

Ah, you got me.

Fugly as charged.

Alrighty then.

That was great.
We'll let you know.

Hard pass.

Hello. Hey, there.
How you doing?

You doing good?
I am doing great.

Um, I won't be needing this.

You ready to make some magic?

Whenever you're ready.

Bla-bla-bla. Okay.

What are you doing?
Oh, uh, sorry.

I'm auditioning
for the pet detective.

This is a show about a-a dog
who -- who solves crimes, right?

No, it's about a human
who finds missing pets.

No.
Uh, okay.

Not what I rehearsed, but --

Hey, I can be a human man.

Woof! No.

Uh, human man, human man,
human man, human man.

Sorry, one second.

One second, one second,
one second.

Hey! What the hell
are you doing on my car?!

Sorry, there wasn't
anywhere else to sit.

I'll just be a minute.

Move it, lady!
Now!

I said...
"I'll just be a minute."

Now, are you gonna
be nice?

Or are you gonna make me
smack around

those big old titties

and call you
my sweet Georgia peach?

What the hell...

I'm a man.
I'm a man.

This is a disaster.

No one we've seen has what
it takes to play Ace.

We need someone with
that raw passion, you know,

and the fire
inside of them.

I will dropkick your soul
straight to Hell!

Fee-fi-fo-fum!

You're crazy, lady!

Good luck cleaning my barf
off your windshield

without wipers, asshole!

What is wrong
with you?!

It's coming up!

Who is she?
She's demented,

she's absolutely
out of control, she's --

Perfect.

I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!

I think
we've found our Ace.

Plan "B," berry boy.

You're gonna
wish I puked!

Don't you do it!
Whoo!

Well, here it is.

Isn't it adorable?

I'm gonna go say hi
to everyone.

You'll get the bags?
I mean, I --

I can, but don't you have,
like, super-human...

strength?

Okay, Sid.
You can do this.

Just do your best
until Freya gets here.

Maybe Tai's friends
will be nice.

Hey, everyone. I'm Sid.
Nice to meet you...

all.

Oh, hey.

Ah, it's five identical Tais.

Perfect.

Okay, people, settle down!

This is "Ace Ventura:
Pet Detective.

Show some respect
for the old masters.

Alright, let's take it
from Ace's entrance.

And action.

Oh, Tom?

I'm sure he's fine.

Do not go in there.

Whoo.

Eh...that's a good start.

Maybe a smidge stiff.

This play doesn't even
make any sense.

If he's supposed to be
undercover,

then why is he busting in,

telling everyone
about his big poop?

You're looking at it all wrong.

Ace Ventura is a dark tragedy

about a deeply
disturbed individual.

It's a meditation
on man's animalistic nature,

the Jungian concept
of shadow self,

not to mention a scathing
indictment of brain injuries

in professional football.

Huh, that's actually
kind of deep.

Just give it
one more try.

Shall we?

Whenever you're ready.

Oh, Tom?

I'm sure he's fine.

Do not go in there!

Whooo!

That's my Ace.

Ooh, getting a nice head high
from this one.

I heard TI-120

slid into TI-2000's DMs
during CyberFest.

Wait, I thought TI-120
was with TI-167.

Oh, he is.

-Oooooh!
-What a ho!

Morning, gents!
Um, so, I've been doing

some research on activities
in the area and turns out

there is an old,
unexploded atom bomb

not far from here
called "The Dud."

Uh, does anyone feel up for a
sort of medium-difficulty hike?

Is that a fanny pack?

What a dipshit.

Stop!
This is fun.

Getting hard-core roasted
by five identical Tais.

Sorry, guys, uh,
Freya made me bring him.

Speaking of which,
she should be here by now.

Hey!
Hey, bitch!

You close?
Oh, my God, Tai.

So I took Scraps to that
audition, and guess what?

I got the lead!

That is great.

We'll celebrate
when you get here.

Yeah, about that.

We open tonight, and I still
have to practice my big

Act Three talking-out-of-my-butt
soliloquy.

So is it cool if I maybe
skip friends weekend?

Oh, so, um,
you're not coming at all?

Yeah, no, that's cool.
Really?

You promise
you're not mad at me?

No, no.

You do you, girl.
I'm good.

Oh, thanks, Tai.
You're the best.

I hope you guys
are having a blast.

Bye-e-e-e-e.
Bye-e-e-e.

Hey, man, are you okay?

Do you wanna --
Do you wanna talk?

What's there
to talk about?

I don't care if Freya
comes or not.

I came here to party.
Pass me the magnet.

Oh, take it easy.

I'm pinwheeling, baby!

Whoo!
Yeah, America!

Maybe I'll give you a call
sometime, lieutenant.

Your number still 911?

Alrighty then.

How was that?
Yeah, it was good.

Just like
the last 25 times.

Good's not enough,
it needs to be perfect.

Alrighty then.
Alrighty then.

Alrighty then!

Gah!
Why can't I get this?!

Oh, hey, look, maybe we should
just take a break, alright?

You've been going non-stop.

I mean, you haven't eaten,
you haven't slept.

I'm really starting to worry
about you.

I see what you're doing.

You're trying
to sabotage me.
What?

You're jealous that I got
the role and you didn't.

I'm the big star,
and it's killing you inside.

Whoa, okay, look, maybe I was
a little bummed at first,

but I'm genuinely
trying to help you.

Well, don't!
You don't understand us!

Nobody understands us!
Ugh!

Us?

Hey, guys.
Have you seen Tai?

I mean TI-90?

Never mind,
I'll find him myself.

Tai? Tai?

Wha--
What are you doing?

I'm landlining.

I'm about to put a billion gigs
straight to my dome.

Oh, shit, oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, no, no, no.
I do not like those noises.

Okay, I think
you've had enough.

Back off!

What is your problem?

Why are you always
such a dick to me?

I'll tell you why.

Because you sabotaged
my friendship with Freya

and stole her for yourself!

Everything was better
before you came along.

I should have done this
a long time ago.

Whoa! Whoa!
Aah! Aah!

Tai!

Goodbye.

Oh, God.

He's dead.

He's dead!

Aaah!

That's not how Dan Marino
holds a football!

He holds it like this!

Laces up!

Bill, have you gained weight?

You're supposed to be
the Miami Dolphin,

not the Miami Beluga Whale.

And has anybody seen my Ace?!

Mr. Rubinstein!

What is it, boy?

It's Freya.
She's not acting like herself.

She's speaking
in weird voices

and just acting like
a crazy person.

Oh, no.
It's happening.

What's happening?

It's been said that
the character of Ace Ventura

is so dark,
so deeply twisted,

that it has the potential
to infect the mind of anyone

who inhabits his deranged
world view for too long.

It happened
to my first Ace,

and it made her
mentally insane forever.

It also happened
to my second Ace.

Actually, it's happened
to all of my Aces,

now that
I think about it.

I just feel like
that's information

you should have
told us earlier.

There's not much time!
Take me to her!
I'm sorry.

Hello?

Freya?

Freya's not here anymore.

There is only...Ace!

Mommy, no!

Um, hey, Ace.

You think we could, uh,

maybe talk with Freya
for a second?

Freya's never coming back.

She was a la-hoo-sa-her.

She's too far gone.

We're gonna have to
take her down.

Go!
-Yah!

Aah!

No!
You're la-hoo-sa-hers!

You're all la-hoo-sa-hers!

What's going on?

Mr. Rubinstein says
that I need

to keep you tied up
to protect you.

But the play is starting!
I know.

Don't worry,
they have an understudy.

What? Who?

Snowflake is missing!

Who can find him?

Um...

Help.
I forgot all my lines.

All of them?

Yes!

Scraps, you have
to let me go, please.

This play means
everything to me!

I'm sorry, Mommy,
but Mr. Rubinstein

says if I let you
anywhere near that stage,

you risk turning into
Ace Ventura forever.

Would you let me go
for a snausage?

Oh, my God,

snausages are so
mouth-wateringly delicious.

But no. I made a promise
to protect you,

and there's nothing
you can say

that can make me
break my word.

Two snausages?
Instant yes.

Come on, Tai!

How are we doing
with tech support?!

I'm still on hold!

No, I would not like to speak
to an operator.

Get me a robot!
A robot!

Did you try blowing
into his butt?

What?
Like this.

No, no. I'm sorry. I'm just --
I'm not gonna do that.

Hang on, this is
a fallout shelter.

Which means they might have --
Hang on.

Where are you going?

It's an ancient human trick
for bringing electronics

back from the dead.

What is that?

It's rice.

What do we do now?

We wait.

I'm having a full-blown
panic attack

and you're all just staring
at me.

You're allowing
an innocent man to die!

Of course, that might
not do any good.

You see, nobody's missing
a porpoise.

It's a dolphin
that's been taken.

You don't have to do this.

The common harbour porpoise
has an abrupt snout,

cone-shaped teeth...
It's not worth
risking your life!

... and a serrated
dorsal appendage.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's do this.

Hey, maybe I'll give you
a call sometime.

Your number still 911?

Alrighty then!

Now let's see that
in rewind.

♪ O sole mia ♪

♪ O sole mio ♪
This is art.

Ree-hee-hee-hee-heeally?

Yes!

Where'd she go?

Dear God,
or whatever AI overlord

might be applicable here,

don't take Tai
into your big cloud in the sky.

Bring him home to his
charging station of origin.

Amen.

A-robot.

Easy, there.
You're still booting up.

Did I -- Did I lose my --

No, don't worry.
All your tabs are still open.

Oh, okay.

I-I'm gonna read those
someday.

I really am.

Thanks, guys.
Thank Sid.

He's the one who saved you.

You did?

I --
I thought you hated me.

I don't know why
you thought that.

I've been trying really hard
to be your friend.

Y-- You're important
to Freya, Tai,

which means
you're important to me.

Ah, jeez. I'm sorry.
I've been such a jerk to you.

I've been blaming you
for the fact

that my friendship
with Freya

isn't what it used to be,
but it's not your fault.

And I hate to admit it,

but you're actually
a pretty great guy.

Thank you.
That means a lot.

Well, I still think
you're a dipshit.

Oh, yeah.
Dorky loser dipshit.

Yeah.
Thanks, guys.

Mommy!
Are you out there?

Mommy!

Over there!
On the cliff!

Freya, you don't have
to listen to Ace!

You can fight it!

It's okay.

I'm just saying goodbye.

Ace, you came to me when
my life felt small and boring,

and you reminded me that
there's still magic out there.

But I don't need you anymore.

I'll be...

alrighty then.

Alrighty then.

We can go home now.

Ahh, I knew you'd be okay.

I wasn't worried about you
for a second.

Let's go.
Come on.

Guys, isn't it crazy
that this nail is metal,

and we're metal?

We could've been this nail.

I would've made
such a good nail.

You know what's
a weird word?

Robot.
Robot.

Robot.
Robot.

Whoa, that is weird.

Hey, guys?

You know how the only numbers
are one and zero?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Well, what if there were
other numbers?

I mean, there are
other numbers.

Two, for example.

Whoa.
Whoa.

Sid, you're, like,
a genius.

Thanks, man.

I'm so up.