Miracle Workers (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Oregon Trail: Hittin' the Trail - full transcript
Season three of the anthology series will take place in the American West circa 1844, following a group of travelers on the Oregon Trail.
Hope.
That is what I am feeling
on this glorious day
as we are gathered
here together...
To mourn
the loss of one of our brethren,
cruelly taken in his
prime due to cholera.
Which... which reminds me.
Please, please stay
six feet apart.
Yes, good, nobody's doing it.
Okay, moving on.
But as each new day pummels us
with a seemingly endless
onslaught of fresh horrors,
we must not lose faith.
After all, this is America,
where opportunity awaits
around every corner.
Can I get an amen? ALL: Amen.
Yeah, just put her
in the coffin, too.
They're... they're
both pretty small.
All right, you get her feet. And
we will take this from the top!
Hope!
That's it. This year's harvest.
Worse than last year,
which was worse than
the year before that.
Maybe we should just
kill ourselves now
and get it over with.
I am not killing myself.
You stupid... Please
stop fighting!
Hey! That's enough!
That's enough.
Guys, look. I know things
seem desperate right now,
but I believe there is a
better place for all of us.
Oregon. Yeah!
See, I've been
reading testimonies
of people in similar
situations to us.
Many of them have found
their salvation in Oregon.
You know how to navigate across
2,000 miles of
untamed territory?
No, I... Sorry, Reverend.
Without an experienced guide,
going to Oregon is
out of the question.
Maybe we should just
go back to John's idea
about killing ourselves.
I think there was
something there.
Oh, Zeke.
Hold it right there.
Oh, no. Aah...
Wow, Zeke. Really?
You look truly dismal.
Come on, Pru, you know
I don't feel comfortable
with that contraption of yours.
Capturing one's image is
absolutely a form of vanity.
Why does everything have
to be a sin with you?
Can't it just be fun?
I'm not really in a fun mood
right now, what with the town
on the verge of
extinction and everything.
Hey, man. You think
you have it bad?
I just spent all
day mending socks.
All day. Just socks.
So will you please just
let me have this one thing?
Yes, I will. Okay.
Don't hurt me.
Great.
Okay, how's, um... how's this?
Oh, yes, I love it!
You're giving me serious
fire and brimstone right now,
and it's working.
You're ridiculous.
Ah. That was pretty
cool.
Well, good day, Reverend.
Good day, Mrs. Aberdeen.
Oh, and hey... good
luck saving the town.
Heavenly Father, it's
me, Ezekiel Brown.
I don't know why I said my name.
You know it's me. We
talk all the time.
This town is full of
good people, Lord,
innocent people,
but if we don't find someone
who can lead us to Oregon,
they're all gonna die.
Please, Lord,
send us a miracle.
Howdy.
Come on, get him on the
table. Get him on the table.
Come on, he's hurt, he's hurt.
Okay, let's see
what we've got here.
Oh, my God! Oh. You know what?
Actually, Prudence,
uh, you should
take care of this.
It's more like women's
work anyway. So...
Sir, can you drink any water?
Whiskey?
Well, I don't think
that's a good idea.
You've been wandering the
desert. I said whiskey!
Okay.
Sir, my... my name is
Reverend Ezekiel Brown.
Can I ask who you are?
I'm nobody.
Um, Jim Nobody.
Yeah, I'm... I'm a frontiersman.
You see, I was just
out on the dusty trail,
Argh! And, uh...
Out of nowhere, this
gang of outlaws comes
and they... they shoot me in
the back.
By the way, how's it
looking back there? Good.
It's bad.
Uh, a frontiersman?
Sir, by any chance,
have your travels
taken you to Oregon?
Sure, once or twice.
I've been all over
this damn country
more times than I can
count. This is it!
This is the man who
can take us to Oregon.
You said yourself, John,
all we needed was a guide
and God has sent us this man.
Sir, will you lead us to
our salvation in Oregon?
No.
What? Look,
I appreciate you
patching me up and all,
but I have no interest
in chaperoning
a bunch of soft-bellied,
slack-jawed dirt farmers
across the country.
No offense. None taken.
I got the medicine from town,
and you won't believe the news.
Benny the Teen robbed
Fort McAlister.
Benny the Teen, the
notorious outlaw?
In these parts?
They're sending in
federal marshals
across the territory
to find him.
Ah, you know what?
I think I'll take you
to Oregon after all.
Great! What changed your mind?
Just figured, why say
no when you can say yes?
In fact I think
we should leave right now.
Oh, but don't we need time
to plan the route and
stock up on supplies?
Nah, the Oregon Trail's
a straight shot.
I mean, we can
pretty much wing it.
Okay!
Who's excited to go to Oregon?
All right!
Come on! Time's a-wasting.
Hey, looking good,
Granny McGill.
Hey, Reverend. All
this bouncing around
reminds me of my wedding night.
Ha ha! Okay.
Oh, um, howdy, wagon master.
You mind if I ride
up front with you?
Be my guest.
- Ah!
- Okay.
So, tell me, what's life
like as a frontiersman, then?
Well, you know, it's, uh
roaming the frontier,
doing frontier stuff.
Oh, fascinating.
What kind of frontier stuff?
You know, specifically?
Uh, you know, little of
this, little of that.
It's frontier stuff. I don't
know how else to explain it.
How friggin' awesome is this?
Just the open land, fresh air,
just the sense of
adventure.
I feel free.
Prudence!
Oh, God. I should get that.
Yes, dear?
I'm feeling wagon-sick.
Can you rub my belly?
Of course, dear.
I, like, hate this trip already.
The wagons are so bumpy.
The oxen smell like shit.
Like, would it kill them
to just put a skylight
in one of these things?
You know, you might actually
enjoy it more if you
just left the wagon.
Yeah, it's really
beautiful out there.
I saw a cloud that looked
just like a rabbit.
Oh. That's nice,
but, that makes no sense.
Right? 'Cause clouds
look like clouds,
and rabbits look like...
Rabbits.
Okay? You're right.
Now less talk-talk
and more rub-rub.
I'm just gonna lie here
until we get to Oregon.
Enough about me. What's...
What's your deal?
I notice you talk
crazy.
Well, I was born and
raised in England.
Well, not raised, actually.
I'm an orphan, so...
Oh, well, sorry to hear that.
Yes, the headmistress
would beat me
with a shovel every morning
and feed me scraps of
shoe leather for dinner.
To earn my keep I had to
dance naked for pennies.
Pennies can really hurt.
Wow, that sounds rough.
No, actually, it's a pretty
standard childhood in England.
Ho!
U.S. Marshals.
Pull over.
We're looking for an outlaw,
goes by the name
of Benny the Teen.
Oh, yes, we heard about
the robbery at Fort McAlister.
Terrible business.
I'm Reverend Ezekiel Brown.
This is our wagon
master, Jim Nobody.
Nobody, huh?
It's German.
German.
German-Dutch, eh... Scottish.
French.
Would you mind removing your
hat, please, Mr. Nobody?
You've never seen
this man before?
No. I don't recognize
him at all.
Handsome guy, though.
Beautiful mustache.
Oh, hey!
Get this off me!
What... I... come on!
What... oh! Oh.
No, doesn't ring a bell.
I'm just so sorry for the
inconvenience, gentlemen.
Happy trails.
Yeah, keep up the
good work, officer.
Whoo! Whoo!
Hoo hoo!
All right, let's get
back on the trail.
So there I was, with
just my boots on,
when her husband
kicks down the door.
I don't think
the fair reverend's gonna
like this next part.
Yeah, I bet I won't.
Ooh. Somebody's got
a snake in his boot.
Ooh. Speaking of snakes,
I gotta drain the
ol' sidewinder.
I call it that because
of how weird it looks.
All right,
everyone, listen up.
That man is not who
he claims to be.
That is Benny the Teen. Who?
The mysterious wagon master
who appeared out of
thin air? Yes! Him.
And we have to do something
before he slips away.
Whew! Ahh. False alarm.
Is it true what the rev says?
Are you Benny the Teen?
All right, I am.
Ooh...
Benny the Teen!
What?
We got a celebrity in our midst.
He's not a celebrity.
He's a famous murderer.
Please, stay as
long as you need.
It is our honor to be led
by theBenny the Teen. Yeah!
Brethren, what are we thinking?
We cannot allow ourselves
to be led by this man.
This man's a criminal!
He's done terrible things.
He's done nothing bad to me.
No, not yet. He just got here.
What if he robs you?
What if he kills you?
Well, that's different.
That'd be a discussion.
Unbelievable.
Well, I guess it's
settled, then.
Now, where was I?
Oh, yes, the husband.
Well, he looks at
us and he says,
"Don't stop. I'm
into it. Keep going."
And then I shot him.
Sounds like they're
having fun out there.
Well, why don't we
have some fun in here?
I heard what you said earlier
about wanting me
to enjoy myself.
Well, I'm feeling
much better now.
Well, that's nice, but I...
I want you to just
sit right there
and you let Monsieur
Todd grab the martinis.
I made
them extra dirty.
With stagnant pond water
I found beside the road.
Oh, I don't
think that's a good idea.
You can catch dysentery
like that.
Ooh, it's spicy.
No, thank you. I can't
hold my liquor like you can.
I see.
Straight to business, then.
Okay.Okay.
Are you good? Yeah.
Did you hear that?
Must've been an owl.
They're all over these parts.
Anyway, where were we?
Aah!
They're...
really hooting tonight.
Do you maybe need to
step outside? No, no, no.
I'm good, I'm... hey.
I'm so good.
Ooh.
Ah. Aah!
Love you.
Oh, Lord! It's like
the great Mississippi
gushing from my
ass!
Hey, kid. Want to come
sit up front with me?
No, thank you. I don't
sit next to evil sinners.
You know, nothing's really
changed, if you think about it.
I'm still taking you to Oregon.
Might be a nicer trip if
we were more friendly-like.
I'm not your friend. I
thought you were sent by God
but it turns out you
were sent by the devil.
Whoa!
Hey, guys!
Oop! Sorry about the gunshot.
I know it's, like,
super loud.
Can everyone please step
out of their wagons?
Who is he? Bad news.
Yeah,
thanks. I'm that guy.
Have any of
you seen Benny the Teen?
With all due respect, sir,
we already got searched
by the sheriff.
Oh, with all due respect, ma'am,
I ain't the sheriff.
I'm a bounty hunter.
I've brought hundreds
of men to the noose,
but Benny the Teen
has always eluded me.
That is, until I found a
trail of bloody footprints
leading from Fort McAlister
to your town.
Imagine that.
So let me ask you one more time.
Have any of you
seen Benny the Teen?
Benny.
Oh, sorry, I just...
Sorry! Benny.
Is it allergies? Uch.
My sinuses go crazy,
too. I feel you, brother.
I'm saying
Benny is in there.
Everyone stand back.
I got you.
Congrats! You found me.
But you'll never catch me.
To the trees!
Guess I'm a little rusty.
Stop playing hard to get.
Thank you, Reverend.
You've done a good deed
bringing this
villain to justice.
Yeah, thanks, Ezekiel.
Good luck getting to Oregon now.
No, no, we can
still get to Oregon.
We just follow the trail.
Oh, no. Where, um...
Where... where is that trail?
Hey, Zeke. Doing all right?
Yeah! Yeah, great.
Benny's off to jail
and it's gonna be
smooth sailing all
the way to Oregon.
I am perfectly
capable of leading us.
I just need to figure
out which way is west.
Um...
Huh. Yeah, this isn't a map.
This is an anatomical
drawing of a horse.
Yes, so it is.
Hmm, there are its
powerful haunches.
Oh, God. We're
screwed, aren't we?
Yeah.
It doesn't make any sense!
Why? Why would God send
an evil man to lead us
on a righteous mission?
Why, God, why? What
do you want from me?
Is this some sort of test,
you sick son of a bitch?
Whoa! You want me to
crawl on the ground
and spank my little
arse, do you?
I'll do it! Oh, my...
Is this what you like? Am
I a good little piggy? Hey!
Oink! Oink! Hey, cut it out.
Come on, knock it off.
Get up. Hey! Listen.
What if God isn't punishing you?
Maybe God's okay with
you doing a little bad
if it means doing a lot of good?
You're right. You're right.
We need to get Benny back.
Yes! Thank you.
Okay, the bounty hunter
probably hasn't gotten far.
We can still catch up.
Prudence? Where are you?
I blasted through
that toilet paper.
We're gonna need
something much stronger.
Do you have to deal with that?
No. Todd can take
care of himself.
Let's get out of here.
Oh! No, it's fine. I
found some red ivy here.
Maybe if I rub it in
real good and deep
it'll feel better.
Hey?
Seeing as this might be
our last chat and all,
I've always been curious...
How come you never
tell anyone your name?
A man needs a name so his
people know what to call him by.
I don't got people.
Ahh.
Nah, I'm not buying it.
I think it's because you
have a really weird name.
Let me guess... is it Nerbert?
My name's not Nerbert.
Is it Frampton?
Frampton... Oh! I
got it. It's Dingus.
My name isn't Dingus, okay?
I'm not playing this
game with you anymore.
You annoy me.
Hello! Excuse me.
Reverend? What are
you doing here?
We just wanted to
say thank you again
for capturing this despicable
piece of human scum.
Boy. Kick a man
when he's down much?
And in honor of this
historic occasion,
we thought you might
like a photograph.
The day Benny the Teen
was brought to justice
by the great, um...
Dingus. Shut up!
Wow! Uh, yeah, no. Uh, um...
I'll do a photo, yeah, sure.
Great! Okay, so just
come a little closer.
All right. A little more.
I'm blushing.
A little closer, and then
just look right here.
What should I do?
Maybe like a... No.
Um, I'll do the gun, the guns.
Okay, and now just say
"cheese" for 20 minutes.
Cheese...
I'm getting you out
of here. Oh! My man.
Eeee... That's really good.
Just keep it going, just
a couple more minutes.
Eee...
Can't get these ropes
off. That's okay.
I can wiggle my way
out of any situation.
Wiggle free! No. Stop wiggling!
It's working! I can feel it!
It's not working! It's
making it tighter.
Okay, come on, get up.
Hey, what's going on?
All right, nobody move.
Damn it. No funny business.
Put your hands up where
the sun don't shine.
You want me to put
my hands up my butt?
What? You said you wanted me
to put my hands where
the sun don't shine.
That would be my butt.
That is what you
said technically.
All right, would you just
give me a break for a second?
This is my first time
sticking somebody up.
I'm very nervous. All right,
forget I said anything.
You're... You're doing
great. Thank you.
All right, what's your
plan here, huh, pardner?
'Cause you don't seem to me
like the killing type.
Take that!
Take his horse. Let's go.
Oh...
Hey, hey, wait!
I'm still tied up!
Better luck next time, Dingus!
My name's not Dingus.
Well, joke's on you,
'cause that horse sucks.
Hey, everyone!
We got Benny back!
Hi, guys.
How'd you do it?
It was all Pru's idea.
She tricked the bounty hunter.
Well, my plan
wouldn't have worked
if Ezekiel hadn't pulled
a friggin' gun on the guy.
Aah, I did do that.
Prudence! There you are!
Oh, my God, Todd.
Oh, yes. The ivy made
things much worse.
Thankfully, though,
I was able to
fashion this undergarment
out of surplus wagon materials.
Sort of a gentleman's
napkin, if you will.
Anyway, um, I will need you
to lather aloe all over my body,
as I am a wee bit concerned
my skin is going to explode.
Of course, dear.
Thanks, Zeke. That
was really fun.
Yeah, it was. Well, um,
we should do it again some time.
I'd like that.
I gotta admit, those were some
pretty impressive
bandit moves back there.
You know, I think you
got a little bit more
bad guy in you than you think.
Well, I think you
have a little bit more
good guy in you than you think.
I don't know about that.
No, well, I know you
have killed people,
but I'm sure it was
always in self-defense.
Not really. Sometimes it
was straight-up murder.
Just men, though, right?
Yeah, yeah, just men.
And women.
And some children.
Bad children, at least?
No, just children.
That is what I am feeling
on this glorious day
as we are gathered
here together...
To mourn
the loss of one of our brethren,
cruelly taken in his
prime due to cholera.
Which... which reminds me.
Please, please stay
six feet apart.
Yes, good, nobody's doing it.
Okay, moving on.
But as each new day pummels us
with a seemingly endless
onslaught of fresh horrors,
we must not lose faith.
After all, this is America,
where opportunity awaits
around every corner.
Can I get an amen? ALL: Amen.
Yeah, just put her
in the coffin, too.
They're... they're
both pretty small.
All right, you get her feet. And
we will take this from the top!
Hope!
That's it. This year's harvest.
Worse than last year,
which was worse than
the year before that.
Maybe we should just
kill ourselves now
and get it over with.
I am not killing myself.
You stupid... Please
stop fighting!
Hey! That's enough!
That's enough.
Guys, look. I know things
seem desperate right now,
but I believe there is a
better place for all of us.
Oregon. Yeah!
See, I've been
reading testimonies
of people in similar
situations to us.
Many of them have found
their salvation in Oregon.
You know how to navigate across
2,000 miles of
untamed territory?
No, I... Sorry, Reverend.
Without an experienced guide,
going to Oregon is
out of the question.
Maybe we should just
go back to John's idea
about killing ourselves.
I think there was
something there.
Oh, Zeke.
Hold it right there.
Oh, no. Aah...
Wow, Zeke. Really?
You look truly dismal.
Come on, Pru, you know
I don't feel comfortable
with that contraption of yours.
Capturing one's image is
absolutely a form of vanity.
Why does everything have
to be a sin with you?
Can't it just be fun?
I'm not really in a fun mood
right now, what with the town
on the verge of
extinction and everything.
Hey, man. You think
you have it bad?
I just spent all
day mending socks.
All day. Just socks.
So will you please just
let me have this one thing?
Yes, I will. Okay.
Don't hurt me.
Great.
Okay, how's, um... how's this?
Oh, yes, I love it!
You're giving me serious
fire and brimstone right now,
and it's working.
You're ridiculous.
Ah. That was pretty
cool.
Well, good day, Reverend.
Good day, Mrs. Aberdeen.
Oh, and hey... good
luck saving the town.
Heavenly Father, it's
me, Ezekiel Brown.
I don't know why I said my name.
You know it's me. We
talk all the time.
This town is full of
good people, Lord,
innocent people,
but if we don't find someone
who can lead us to Oregon,
they're all gonna die.
Please, Lord,
send us a miracle.
Howdy.
Come on, get him on the
table. Get him on the table.
Come on, he's hurt, he's hurt.
Okay, let's see
what we've got here.
Oh, my God! Oh. You know what?
Actually, Prudence,
uh, you should
take care of this.
It's more like women's
work anyway. So...
Sir, can you drink any water?
Whiskey?
Well, I don't think
that's a good idea.
You've been wandering the
desert. I said whiskey!
Okay.
Sir, my... my name is
Reverend Ezekiel Brown.
Can I ask who you are?
I'm nobody.
Um, Jim Nobody.
Yeah, I'm... I'm a frontiersman.
You see, I was just
out on the dusty trail,
Argh! And, uh...
Out of nowhere, this
gang of outlaws comes
and they... they shoot me in
the back.
By the way, how's it
looking back there? Good.
It's bad.
Uh, a frontiersman?
Sir, by any chance,
have your travels
taken you to Oregon?
Sure, once or twice.
I've been all over
this damn country
more times than I can
count. This is it!
This is the man who
can take us to Oregon.
You said yourself, John,
all we needed was a guide
and God has sent us this man.
Sir, will you lead us to
our salvation in Oregon?
No.
What? Look,
I appreciate you
patching me up and all,
but I have no interest
in chaperoning
a bunch of soft-bellied,
slack-jawed dirt farmers
across the country.
No offense. None taken.
I got the medicine from town,
and you won't believe the news.
Benny the Teen robbed
Fort McAlister.
Benny the Teen, the
notorious outlaw?
In these parts?
They're sending in
federal marshals
across the territory
to find him.
Ah, you know what?
I think I'll take you
to Oregon after all.
Great! What changed your mind?
Just figured, why say
no when you can say yes?
In fact I think
we should leave right now.
Oh, but don't we need time
to plan the route and
stock up on supplies?
Nah, the Oregon Trail's
a straight shot.
I mean, we can
pretty much wing it.
Okay!
Who's excited to go to Oregon?
All right!
Come on! Time's a-wasting.
Hey, looking good,
Granny McGill.
Hey, Reverend. All
this bouncing around
reminds me of my wedding night.
Ha ha! Okay.
Oh, um, howdy, wagon master.
You mind if I ride
up front with you?
Be my guest.
- Ah!
- Okay.
So, tell me, what's life
like as a frontiersman, then?
Well, you know, it's, uh
roaming the frontier,
doing frontier stuff.
Oh, fascinating.
What kind of frontier stuff?
You know, specifically?
Uh, you know, little of
this, little of that.
It's frontier stuff. I don't
know how else to explain it.
How friggin' awesome is this?
Just the open land, fresh air,
just the sense of
adventure.
I feel free.
Prudence!
Oh, God. I should get that.
Yes, dear?
I'm feeling wagon-sick.
Can you rub my belly?
Of course, dear.
I, like, hate this trip already.
The wagons are so bumpy.
The oxen smell like shit.
Like, would it kill them
to just put a skylight
in one of these things?
You know, you might actually
enjoy it more if you
just left the wagon.
Yeah, it's really
beautiful out there.
I saw a cloud that looked
just like a rabbit.
Oh. That's nice,
but, that makes no sense.
Right? 'Cause clouds
look like clouds,
and rabbits look like...
Rabbits.
Okay? You're right.
Now less talk-talk
and more rub-rub.
I'm just gonna lie here
until we get to Oregon.
Enough about me. What's...
What's your deal?
I notice you talk
crazy.
Well, I was born and
raised in England.
Well, not raised, actually.
I'm an orphan, so...
Oh, well, sorry to hear that.
Yes, the headmistress
would beat me
with a shovel every morning
and feed me scraps of
shoe leather for dinner.
To earn my keep I had to
dance naked for pennies.
Pennies can really hurt.
Wow, that sounds rough.
No, actually, it's a pretty
standard childhood in England.
Ho!
U.S. Marshals.
Pull over.
We're looking for an outlaw,
goes by the name
of Benny the Teen.
Oh, yes, we heard about
the robbery at Fort McAlister.
Terrible business.
I'm Reverend Ezekiel Brown.
This is our wagon
master, Jim Nobody.
Nobody, huh?
It's German.
German.
German-Dutch, eh... Scottish.
French.
Would you mind removing your
hat, please, Mr. Nobody?
You've never seen
this man before?
No. I don't recognize
him at all.
Handsome guy, though.
Beautiful mustache.
Oh, hey!
Get this off me!
What... I... come on!
What... oh! Oh.
No, doesn't ring a bell.
I'm just so sorry for the
inconvenience, gentlemen.
Happy trails.
Yeah, keep up the
good work, officer.
Whoo! Whoo!
Hoo hoo!
All right, let's get
back on the trail.
So there I was, with
just my boots on,
when her husband
kicks down the door.
I don't think
the fair reverend's gonna
like this next part.
Yeah, I bet I won't.
Ooh. Somebody's got
a snake in his boot.
Ooh. Speaking of snakes,
I gotta drain the
ol' sidewinder.
I call it that because
of how weird it looks.
All right,
everyone, listen up.
That man is not who
he claims to be.
That is Benny the Teen. Who?
The mysterious wagon master
who appeared out of
thin air? Yes! Him.
And we have to do something
before he slips away.
Whew! Ahh. False alarm.
Is it true what the rev says?
Are you Benny the Teen?
All right, I am.
Ooh...
Benny the Teen!
What?
We got a celebrity in our midst.
He's not a celebrity.
He's a famous murderer.
Please, stay as
long as you need.
It is our honor to be led
by theBenny the Teen. Yeah!
Brethren, what are we thinking?
We cannot allow ourselves
to be led by this man.
This man's a criminal!
He's done terrible things.
He's done nothing bad to me.
No, not yet. He just got here.
What if he robs you?
What if he kills you?
Well, that's different.
That'd be a discussion.
Unbelievable.
Well, I guess it's
settled, then.
Now, where was I?
Oh, yes, the husband.
Well, he looks at
us and he says,
"Don't stop. I'm
into it. Keep going."
And then I shot him.
Sounds like they're
having fun out there.
Well, why don't we
have some fun in here?
I heard what you said earlier
about wanting me
to enjoy myself.
Well, I'm feeling
much better now.
Well, that's nice, but I...
I want you to just
sit right there
and you let Monsieur
Todd grab the martinis.
I made
them extra dirty.
With stagnant pond water
I found beside the road.
Oh, I don't
think that's a good idea.
You can catch dysentery
like that.
Ooh, it's spicy.
No, thank you. I can't
hold my liquor like you can.
I see.
Straight to business, then.
Okay.Okay.
Are you good? Yeah.
Did you hear that?
Must've been an owl.
They're all over these parts.
Anyway, where were we?
Aah!
They're...
really hooting tonight.
Do you maybe need to
step outside? No, no, no.
I'm good, I'm... hey.
I'm so good.
Ooh.
Ah. Aah!
Love you.
Oh, Lord! It's like
the great Mississippi
gushing from my
ass!
Hey, kid. Want to come
sit up front with me?
No, thank you. I don't
sit next to evil sinners.
You know, nothing's really
changed, if you think about it.
I'm still taking you to Oregon.
Might be a nicer trip if
we were more friendly-like.
I'm not your friend. I
thought you were sent by God
but it turns out you
were sent by the devil.
Whoa!
Hey, guys!
Oop! Sorry about the gunshot.
I know it's, like,
super loud.
Can everyone please step
out of their wagons?
Who is he? Bad news.
Yeah,
thanks. I'm that guy.
Have any of
you seen Benny the Teen?
With all due respect, sir,
we already got searched
by the sheriff.
Oh, with all due respect, ma'am,
I ain't the sheriff.
I'm a bounty hunter.
I've brought hundreds
of men to the noose,
but Benny the Teen
has always eluded me.
That is, until I found a
trail of bloody footprints
leading from Fort McAlister
to your town.
Imagine that.
So let me ask you one more time.
Have any of you
seen Benny the Teen?
Benny.
Oh, sorry, I just...
Sorry! Benny.
Is it allergies? Uch.
My sinuses go crazy,
too. I feel you, brother.
I'm saying
Benny is in there.
Everyone stand back.
I got you.
Congrats! You found me.
But you'll never catch me.
To the trees!
Guess I'm a little rusty.
Stop playing hard to get.
Thank you, Reverend.
You've done a good deed
bringing this
villain to justice.
Yeah, thanks, Ezekiel.
Good luck getting to Oregon now.
No, no, we can
still get to Oregon.
We just follow the trail.
Oh, no. Where, um...
Where... where is that trail?
Hey, Zeke. Doing all right?
Yeah! Yeah, great.
Benny's off to jail
and it's gonna be
smooth sailing all
the way to Oregon.
I am perfectly
capable of leading us.
I just need to figure
out which way is west.
Um...
Huh. Yeah, this isn't a map.
This is an anatomical
drawing of a horse.
Yes, so it is.
Hmm, there are its
powerful haunches.
Oh, God. We're
screwed, aren't we?
Yeah.
It doesn't make any sense!
Why? Why would God send
an evil man to lead us
on a righteous mission?
Why, God, why? What
do you want from me?
Is this some sort of test,
you sick son of a bitch?
Whoa! You want me to
crawl on the ground
and spank my little
arse, do you?
I'll do it! Oh, my...
Is this what you like? Am
I a good little piggy? Hey!
Oink! Oink! Hey, cut it out.
Come on, knock it off.
Get up. Hey! Listen.
What if God isn't punishing you?
Maybe God's okay with
you doing a little bad
if it means doing a lot of good?
You're right. You're right.
We need to get Benny back.
Yes! Thank you.
Okay, the bounty hunter
probably hasn't gotten far.
We can still catch up.
Prudence? Where are you?
I blasted through
that toilet paper.
We're gonna need
something much stronger.
Do you have to deal with that?
No. Todd can take
care of himself.
Let's get out of here.
Oh! No, it's fine. I
found some red ivy here.
Maybe if I rub it in
real good and deep
it'll feel better.
Hey?
Seeing as this might be
our last chat and all,
I've always been curious...
How come you never
tell anyone your name?
A man needs a name so his
people know what to call him by.
I don't got people.
Ahh.
Nah, I'm not buying it.
I think it's because you
have a really weird name.
Let me guess... is it Nerbert?
My name's not Nerbert.
Is it Frampton?
Frampton... Oh! I
got it. It's Dingus.
My name isn't Dingus, okay?
I'm not playing this
game with you anymore.
You annoy me.
Hello! Excuse me.
Reverend? What are
you doing here?
We just wanted to
say thank you again
for capturing this despicable
piece of human scum.
Boy. Kick a man
when he's down much?
And in honor of this
historic occasion,
we thought you might
like a photograph.
The day Benny the Teen
was brought to justice
by the great, um...
Dingus. Shut up!
Wow! Uh, yeah, no. Uh, um...
I'll do a photo, yeah, sure.
Great! Okay, so just
come a little closer.
All right. A little more.
I'm blushing.
A little closer, and then
just look right here.
What should I do?
Maybe like a... No.
Um, I'll do the gun, the guns.
Okay, and now just say
"cheese" for 20 minutes.
Cheese...
I'm getting you out
of here. Oh! My man.
Eeee... That's really good.
Just keep it going, just
a couple more minutes.
Eee...
Can't get these ropes
off. That's okay.
I can wiggle my way
out of any situation.
Wiggle free! No. Stop wiggling!
It's working! I can feel it!
It's not working! It's
making it tighter.
Okay, come on, get up.
Hey, what's going on?
All right, nobody move.
Damn it. No funny business.
Put your hands up where
the sun don't shine.
You want me to put
my hands up my butt?
What? You said you wanted me
to put my hands where
the sun don't shine.
That would be my butt.
That is what you
said technically.
All right, would you just
give me a break for a second?
This is my first time
sticking somebody up.
I'm very nervous. All right,
forget I said anything.
You're... You're doing
great. Thank you.
All right, what's your
plan here, huh, pardner?
'Cause you don't seem to me
like the killing type.
Take that!
Take his horse. Let's go.
Oh...
Hey, hey, wait!
I'm still tied up!
Better luck next time, Dingus!
My name's not Dingus.
Well, joke's on you,
'cause that horse sucks.
Hey, everyone!
We got Benny back!
Hi, guys.
How'd you do it?
It was all Pru's idea.
She tricked the bounty hunter.
Well, my plan
wouldn't have worked
if Ezekiel hadn't pulled
a friggin' gun on the guy.
Aah, I did do that.
Prudence! There you are!
Oh, my God, Todd.
Oh, yes. The ivy made
things much worse.
Thankfully, though,
I was able to
fashion this undergarment
out of surplus wagon materials.
Sort of a gentleman's
napkin, if you will.
Anyway, um, I will need you
to lather aloe all over my body,
as I am a wee bit concerned
my skin is going to explode.
Of course, dear.
Thanks, Zeke. That
was really fun.
Yeah, it was. Well, um,
we should do it again some time.
I'd like that.
I gotta admit, those were some
pretty impressive
bandit moves back there.
You know, I think you
got a little bit more
bad guy in you than you think.
Well, I think you
have a little bit more
good guy in you than you think.
I don't know about that.
No, well, I know you
have killed people,
but I'm sure it was
always in self-defense.
Not really. Sometimes it
was straight-up murder.
Just men, though, right?
Yeah, yeah, just men.
And women.
And some children.
Bad children, at least?
No, just children.