Miracle Workers (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Holiday - full transcript

Hear ye ! Hear ye !
I'm the town crier,

here to wish you
a happy Harvest Day.

We're gonna kick off festivities
with a play commemorating

the first-ever Harvest Day, which
was celebrated, peacefully,

by King Cragnoor's
knights and the native Leaf People.

Give a round of applause.
How adorable !

Will this performance
mention how we murdered

the Leaf People
and stole their land ?

History always gets whitewashed
over time.

The genocide happened three
years ago. We were all there.

There was a tribe called the Leaf
People, who, for years,



lived just outside of Lower Murkford,
doing whatever it is they did.

Corn.
Then the noble King Cragnoor

led an expedition
to the Leaf Person territory

in order to be friends with them.

I'm King Cragnoor the Kind,
and I love the Leaf People.

Oh, wonderful.

- Can I have this land, please ?
- Yes. We do not want it. Goodbye.

And then the Leaf People just...

You know, they went away.
Bye-bye !

We killed them !

That's why once a year,
on Harvest Day, we celebrate peace,

togetherness, and the winning
spirit of Lower Murkford.

The end.

Why are you clapping ?



The little kid who played
Cragnoor was electric.

- Happy Harvest Day !
- Encore !

MIRACLE WORKERS
DARK AGES

- That bone stew is smelling great.
- Wouldn't be Harvest Day without it.

I'm so excited for Bert to get here.
Will you tell your famous wolf story ?

Are you excited, Al ?

No, not really. Me and Bert
fight every year, and I hate him.

I know you're not too crazy
about his politics.

Yeah, the guy is nuts. He voted
for King Cragnoor. That's crazy.

- Why is that crazy ?
- Because we're a monarchy.

We don't even get a vote. Uncle Bert
wrote "Cragnoor" on a piece of paper

because he loves the guy so much.

Can we just have a nice dinner ?

Bert's my little brother, and I don't
get to see him very often.

- He did have a pretty rough year.
- I can be civil.

As long as he can be civil, too,
there won't be any problems.

They're here.

Bert alert !

Cousin Chip, Cousin Tunt !

- How the hell you doing ?
- Can't complain.

- There's our little bookworm.
- Hi, Uncle Bert.

Al just started
in the family business.

Puttin' that fancy degree
to good use, huh ?

Pow ! Bert alert !

Hey, be a doll, uncork that bottle
for me here. Thanks, hon.

Sure thing, Uncle Bert.

Chauncley, your aunt
and uncles are here.

King Trex. King Morgdon.
Queen Gamillagoor.

Lord Vexler. Have you ever
noticed how my family is

so, I don't know, stiff
and formal with each other ?

Let's shake hands in acknowledgement
of each other's presence.

It's just like,
where's the love, you know ?

You come from a family
of insane warlords.

- They could kill each other.
- It'd be nice if we could bond.

If we can't connect as a family
on Harvest Day, then when can we ?

Stay out of the way and let the day
pass without incident.

Or I could curate a fun series
of games and other icebreakers

that will tear down the walls
my relatives have put up.

Did someone say
"Family Game Night" ?

I did. It was me.

Shall we commence with small talk
about how traffic was on the way here ?

'Twas rough.

Color forty-two !

Hut, hut, hike !

- How was the trip over, Bert ?
- Not good.

We stopped
at breakfast in Middle Murkford.

And we had this guy serving us.

He smelled like he just
got off the spice trail.

I said, "I don't know
where you come from,"

"but around here, there ain't
no sea monsters and we wash our ass."

I forgot. I'm supposed to watch
my words around this one.

You're a grown man. You're allowed
to say whatever's on your mind.

Yeah, for now.

Pretty soon, you won't be able
to say anything anymore.

I have an idea. Why don't we
all say what we're grateful for.

I'll start. I'm grateful
for this beautiful home,

my wonderful son, and my brilliant,
talented daughter.

And I'm grateful for my boys.

But, more than anything,
I'm grateful that I live in Murkford,

and that's something that
we all should be grateful for.

And you can thank
King Cragnoor for that.

I might argue that Cragnoor
is the absolute worst king

in the history
of the entire realm.

You're young. You haven't been
out in the real world.

You don't know how it works.

Says the guy who's hardly
ever left the swamp.

I think the claws are coming out.

Pow ! Bert alert !

Round one, Uncle Bert.

Please excuse me.

Hey, Al, come back downstairs.
The bone stew is almost ready.

Dad and Uncle Bert
might tell the wolf story soon.

I'll come down in a bit.

And Uncle Bert and I are going to have
a very interesting conversation.

Be nice to Uncle Bert.
He's had a really rough year.

You know what happened
between him and Aunt Rhonda.

That doesn't give him a pass
to be a full-blown nightmare.

Dad said that you can't
fight with Uncle Bert.

He did not say I can't
carefully outfox him

with a set of well-researched
political talking points,

all backed up with objective
statistics and facts.

That's just 'cause Dad
doesn't know those words.

That is how you play charades.
So, who'd like to go first ?

- Uncle Morgdon, how about you ?
- I accept.

So, I just pretend to do the thing
that it says on the paper.

- Exactly.
- Very well.

- Beheading a man.
- Clubbing the head of a rival queen.

- Beheading an innocent man.
- Hurling a corpse off a mountain.

- I said beheading an innocent man.
- No.

No talking.

- Fishing.
- Correct.

- That was fun.
- Yes, that was fun.

- I enjoyed myself also.
- I, too, am enjoying myself.

This is nice.

Yes. It feels good to be
the winner of the game...

And, therefore, the best.

- Chauncley, introduce the next game.
- Absolutely. Told you.

Stew's almost ready.

- Hey ! She lives.
- Hey, Bert.

You work in the sludge-mining
industry, right ?

Local thirteen.

I heard an interesting little
factoid the other day.

King Cragnoor doesn't use locally
mined sludge in his castle moat.

That's fake. People like you just
believe the lies that the town crier

is trying to shove down
your mutton-hole.

King Cragnoor is the best thing
that ever happened to Murkford.

- Amen, brother !
- Amen.

- Mikey, you're on Uncle Bert's side ?
- He's a lot louder than you are.

- Pow !
- Bert alert !

A gauntlet.

- A castle keep.
- No.

A map. Is it a cloud ?
It doesn't look like anything.

- Time's up.
- 'Twas an eagle.

- One wing, other wing, the tail.
- Have you ever seen an eagle ?!

- You haven't seen an eagle !
- You do not know what I have seen.

Prince, let's just serve dinner and
get these maniacs out of here.

I'll just calm things down
with a lighter game.

Okay, this next game is called
"Never Have I Ever."

I say something that I've never done,
and if you have done it...

- You get to take a little drink.
- Okay. I've got one.

Never have I ever
brought shame upon my kingdom

due to my own incompetence
and cowardice.

- Was that directed at me ?
- It definitely isn't me.

- Maybe it was directed at all of you.
- We can just have a lovely dinner.

Never have I ever been closer
to pulling my sword on my own kin !

- Nor have I.
- Nor have I.

Nor I.

- Okay.
- To vengeance !

It is done !
I have slain my siblings !

Family is nothing !
Happy Harvest Day !

Now, that was fun !

You can't deny that
ever since King Cragnoor took over,

poverty has been at an all-time high
in Lower Murkford.

Your generation just
doesn't want to work hard.

This stew's just about ready.
I can smell the bones getting soft.

All you got to do is pull yourself up
by your bootstraps.

- That's how Cragnoor did it.
- He was born into royalty.

- You're stupid.
- Careful, you might hurt my feelings.

- Oh, my God ! You're impossible !
- This stew is really good.

You're the one who brought this stuff
up. Why do you get so emotional ?

Emotional ?!

I bet you were pretty emotional when
your wife left you for the town baker.

Pow ! Al alert, bitch !

It's true.

Boys, I know I told you that your mom
was away on a long business trip,

but I lied

because I was too embarrassed
to tell you the truth.

Your mother left me because
I wasn't able to please her sexually.

So she ran off with the town baker

because he was better at having
sex with her than I was.

Pow. Sad alert.

Bert... She didn't mean to...

I think it's time
that we got going here.

I was gonna give you this
after dinner, but... Here.

Your dad said you like books.
I don't know what they are,

but the lady at the shop
said that you'd like that one, so...

Come on, boys. Let's go home
to our studio apartment.

- I'm sorry, Dad.
- It's okay.

I mean, I guess, well,
you tried your best.

Yeah, so, the stew's ready.
You two should...

I'm just gonna go to bed.

Uncle Bert ? Uncle Bert !

Your dad is no good, boys.
He belongs in the mud.

Hey, Uncle Bert.

Listen, I'm sorry for what
I said back at the house.

That was a cheap shot.

But, yeah, I...
I guess I had it coming.

I shouldn't have been pushing
your buttons like that.

I know we don't see eye-to-eye
on everything,

but how about we just put that aside,
at least for the rest of tonight ?

- What do you say ? Truce ?
- Truce.

Okay. Come on, boys.

Hey, buddy ! How you doing ?

I just wanted one normal
holiday with my family.

And, instead, I have turned this
into the worst Harvest Day ever.

No. Technically,
the first Harvest Day was worse,

in terms of death count.

What do you say we eat
those dead people's desserts ?

Thank you. I think I just need
to get out of the castle for a bit.

- Hey, great stew, Dad.
- Yeah, thanks.

So, anyone got any big plans
for the year ?

Nope.

Uncle Bert, what was that one story
about you and Dad and the wolf ?

Why, that is a crazy story.

So, yeah, one night,
me and your old man here,

we accidentally left the door
to the house open.

- When we went to bed.
- Big mistake.

Guess what showed up in the kitchen
in the middle of the night !

- What ?
- A wolf !

- No way !
- Yeah.

Our old man gets on our case
for leaving the door open.

He gives us
this big ax and he says,

"Go in the forest
and don't come back"

"until you kill that damn wolf."

Nuts ! Just when the night
was getting started.

I'll do a liquor run.
You guys keep talking.

We were just four and five years old.
Never killed before.

- We were out there for days.
- We get captured by Visigoths.

- I love you, Daddy.
- I love you too, sweetie.

Thanks.

Chauncley, hey.
What are you doing in town ?

I was just going for a little walk.
How's your Harvest Day going ?

Actually starting to be kind of fun.
How about you ?

My dad just killed all
of my relatives in front of me.

- Holy shit. Are you okay ?
- Yes. I'm fine.

Don't worry about me. I will
let you get back to the festivities.

- Happy Harvest Day.
- Wait.

- Do you want to come over ?
- Really ?

It's pretty low-key. We're sitting
around, talking and playing games.

- You're playing games ?
- You in ?

- Yes, I'm in.
- Great.

You have a little blood
in your hair.

I thought I got it all off.

My dad is not what
you'd call a gentle murderer.

Yeah, he sucks. Do me a favor,
when we get to the house,

no talking about politics.

- Fine with me.
- Cool. Thanks, dude.

These ugly ducks !

Blowing the bugs off your pillow ?

Having a heatstroke at work.
Reviving a dying friend.

Time !

It was blowing on a hot goose-egg
omelet before your midday feast.

- So close.
- Hard one.

- You did well, though.
- How much do I owe you for losing ?

You don't have to pay me.
It's just a game.

Money in the bank !

Okay, my turn, my turn.

Oh, I don't know how to read.
So I'm gonna pretend to be a dog.

MIRACLE WORKERS
DARK AGES