Minder (1979–1994): Season 2, Episode 13 - A Lot of Bull and a Pat on the Back - full transcript

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♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to. ♪

Three whole days? That's terrific.
How come?

We do get the odd few days' holiday,
you know.

Got you.
Your life's one long holiday,

- flitting from paradise to paradise.
- The London to Manchester air shuttle?

I thought you were going
to get transferred from that run.

So did I.

This is smashing.



I don't often eat lunch.

Well, you will
for the next three days.

- Will I?
- If you want.

I think
I might get used to it.

Just got to pop into head office
for an hour later, and then I'm free.

This lunch...

Does it come with afters?

- Busy day?
- Quite the reverse.

Things are very slow, Dave,
I don't mind telling you.

Shame.

If something doesn't start
happening soon,

I'm gonna have to dip
into capital.

Tragic.

You know, this recession
is playing havoc with my cash flow.



- Poignant.
- Do what?

That'll be £1.50,
Arthur.

- £1.50?
- Disastrous, innit?

Oh, and one for the barman for maybe
putting a bit of business your way.

There's a couple of geezers over there
been asking after you.

Don't mind them!
Don't put on them straightaway.

Why?

Maybe you won't want to meet them
or let them know who you are.

Dave,
what are you on about?

You just said you were going to put
a bit of business my way.

I said maybe.
They don't look like the Old Bill.

But they certainly don't fit in with
the sort of punters we usually get in here.

Can I look now?

Maybe they're creditors.

Creditors?

A friendly word in your ear,
that's all.

They're sitting by the bandit.

Did they say
what they wanted with me?

- Don't recognise them, then?
- No.

I heard them say they just wanted
to know if you could be contacted here.

- And you said yes?
- Why not?

Because if they are people I wish to avoid,
for professional reasons, you understand,

you've dropped me
right in it, aren't you?

Except if they were some people
after you

for less than friendly reasons,
they wouldn't declare themselves.

And almost certainly
they'd know what you look like,

but clearly they don't,

otherwise they'd be here by now.

You may have a point there,
Dave.

Introduce yourself.

Well, there's no sign of him.

This is where they said.

Erm, I understand you two gentlemen
wish to contact Mr Arthur Daley?

Are you Mr Daley?

Er, well, now...
that depends.

Depends?

Either you're Mr Daley
or you're not Mr Daley.

- And you are...?
- Mr Brown.

And this is Mr Smith.

Smith and Brown?

Common names, I'm afraid,
but we're just country folk.

We were looking for someone

and this man in the pub we were in
gave us your name.

He said
you could be contacted here.

- Give it a rest, Charlie, will you?
- No sweat, Arthur.

What er... what sort of person
were you looking for?

Someone who could perhaps
help us.

Someone like me?

Someone who could arrange,
er, repossessions, like?

Repossession, eh?
Car, is it?

Erm...
not exactly. No.

- For a fee, of course.
- Oh, yes, yes, of course.

I mean, that would naturally
have to be negotiated,

dependent on the situation

and the nature of the article
to be repossessed in question.

You sound like a lawyer,
Mr Daley.

No, no, no. Just a businessman
that likes things clear, Mr Brown.

We don't wish to haggle, Mr Daley.
The fee we had in mind was £4,000.

£4,000?

£500 in advance and the rest
when the job's completed.

Well, yes, yes. I, I think
I might be able to help you.

Let me get you both another drink
and then we can discuss details.

- I was just thinking...
- I know that.

..what a great deaf you've got.

- Deaf?
- "Deaf and dumb."

Bottom.

- You're crude.
- But honest.

- Crude.
- But nice?

Well, different.

- We can't all be flight captains.
- Thank goodness!

I'd better be getting along
to head office.

Hello, lover.

Bad timing, eh?

Er... Well...
Penny, this is Debbie.

- Just a friend.
- "Just"?

What is it?
Some sort of a wind-up?

You're convincing, I'll give you that!
Who stuck you into me?

Was it Dave behind the ramp?
I know, I know... that pub you went into...

Pig And Whistle, was it?
Jerry Hawley?

He put you up to it?

He's a card, that Je...

You're not joking, are you?

Yeah, but you don't have to go
just yet, do you?

All I said was,
"Can I have a word with you alone?"

Don't worry, Debbie,
I'm not leaving on your account.

I've got to go into town, anyway.
Haven't I, Terry?

- Yeah, hold on...
- Bye.

- Look, can you hang on a minute?
- Yeah, sure.

Pen! Pen, hold on!

- What's the matter?
- You are coming back, aren't you?

- Not if you'd rather I didn't.
- Don't be silly.

- I thought... maybe...
- Terry, you're a free agent.

Whoever you see
when you don't see me is up to you.

Yeah, but she's just an old friend.
Honestly.

What does she do?

Artistic poses.

See you.

- Cup of tea, love?
- Yeah, why not? Yeah.

- Sorry about that.
- About what?

Norsing the scene up with
Come Fly With Me.

That's all right.
She's just a friend.

We're all "just friends",
aren't we, Terry?

No, I am sorry, really.

No, it's all right.

I came round
to see if you could help me, Tel.

How?

This bloke's been hassling me,
you know.

You want me
to warn him off, right?

It's not what you think.
He's threatened me!

And one of the other girls
at the club.

What you mean,
threatened to hurt you?

Yeah. He wants me and my friend
to go and work as hostesses at a club.

Well, what he calls his "club".

- Hostesses?
- For all says.

It's a clip joint
for mug punters.

And the gaff where you work
isn't, eh?

I might be a stripper, Terry,
but I'm not a whore!

So,

this geezer's threatened you
with physical damage

if you and your mate don't oblige him
and go on the game, eh?

- Right.
- It's strictly illegal, innit?

Call in the Old Bill.
Get him nicked.

Oh, come on, Terry!
You know what it's like

on that scene,
the sort of people involved.

If I call in the Old Bill,
I wouldn't last two minutes!

- They don't like grasses.
- Yeah. I don't like ponces.

- Will you help me, then?
- Has he got a name?

Don't know it,
or what name the clip joint is.

- How many times has he fronted you?
- Couple, when I've been leaving the club.

- Alone?
- Yeah,

my friend works
later than me usually.

- Has he claimed her separately?
- Yeah.

Surely the bloke
who runs your club's got friends

who would protect his interests!

That little twerp?
Do you think he wants any aggravation?

It's not hard to come by another
couple of strippers these days, Terry.

So, how am I supposed
to have a chat with him?

Well. I thought if you could be about
for a few days, when I leave the club,

- then if he shows...
- What time do you leave?

Only doing afternoons
at the moment.

Around six. I've been too bleedin'
scared to do the late-night stint.

Too dark and quiet
at three in the morning.

I could pay you.
And my girlfriend could chip in...

Don't be daft, don't be daft.
What are friends for, eh?

Hello.

What are you doing here
at this time of day?

- I live here.
- No, no, you don't live here,

Terry, you sleep here.
You don't...

What's she doing here?

Debbie's my tea lady.

No, I'm gonna be doing
a bit of work for her.

Oh, yeah?

Hello, Arthur.

"Hello, Arthur"?

- Do I know you?
- Course.

We met here once before,
when Terry was mini-cabbing.

Oh, that's right, yeah!

Wasn't quite as warmly dressed then,
you know.

Oh. Yeah.
Well. Look.

I've got a very lucrative job
of work for you, my son, and...

I don't wish to discuss it
in front of a third party,

so could you...?

Debbie's a guest in my humble abode.
She'll leave when she wants.

All right. All right.
You don't want to earn 300 sovs

for a few hours' work,
that's all right by me.

It's all right, Tel.
I've gotta be going to work, anyway.

- You got transport?
- Well, no.

Well, Arthur'll give you a lift.

Then we can discuss whatever
in the motor, can't we?

I'll get my jacket.

Help the lady on with her coat.

All right?
Yeah.

Thanks again, then,
Terry.

- Bye.
- See you later.

All right, then,
who have I got to kill for 300 quid?

No, no, no, no, it's nothing like that,
Terry. It's a simple repossession job.

Oh, I've told you before, Arthur,
I hate repossession!

Especially if it's
some poor working man's motor.

No, no. Let's go to The Winchester
and have a chat over a drink.

It is not a car
that we have got to repossess.

- What is it, then?
- A bull.

- A what?
- A bull.

Terry, a bull is just
another bit of property.

A bull is a live animal,
a very big live animal.

I have been assured this is
a totally domesticated beast.

You're having a lark,
aren't you?

No, no.
Someone has been winding you up!

A bull. Moo!

What if I were to put £100
in your hand in readies,

up front, right now?

- All right, then.
- No, not here.

No, here...
now. Now.

All right. All right.

Here you are. Put it away.

I don't believe this!

Well, don't you want to know
where, when?

Oh, sorry, I was so excited
about forming a relationship with a bull,

I forgot all about that!
Where, when?

Tomorrow.
The country.

All right, then.

- I'll get my wellies out.
- And my cape and sword.

I think suitable rustic attire
may be called for.

♪ Higher,
higher

♪ Make me know

♪ Move it faster

♪ Don't let go... ♪

♪ Don't let go
Don't let go

♪ Don't let go... ♪

♪ Hold it,
hold it.

"That was the exotic
and erotic Debbie Jensen.

"Let's have a big hand
for the girl with the big assets."

- So when's the honeymoon, Maggie?
- What honeymoon?

I thought you really liked this guy.

- Er, Debbie?
- Yeah, come on in, Terry.

I thought you was waiting outside.

No, I wouldn't.
I'll be in the Windy bar, all right?

I just came in to say,
if you see me, don't show out at all.

I'll tag along behind you
when you leave

- and if he shows I'll join you, OK?
- Right, OK. Right.

Oh, Terry.
This is Maggie.

And this is Billie,
the other girl I told you about.

- This is Terry.
- Hello, Terry.

- You all right, love?
- Debbie tells me

you gonna be her knight
in shining armour.

I don't know
about the armour.

I saw the bastard in the audience
again last night.

That's the second time.
Sat right in front.

Steering right at me.
All significantly.

Yeah, I forgot to tell you
about that bit.

I think he's seen too many
old Hollywood gangster movies.

It don't mean to say
he ain't serious, though, does it?

My sentiments
exactly.

- Ah, I'll see you, all right?
- Yeah, all right, Tel.

See you.

- I didn't suss anyone.
- No.

He pulled me right outside the club
the other two times.

- Sorry for wasting your time.
- No, don't be silly.

- Come on. I'll see you home.
- No, that's all right.

Don't be daft.

- There you go, love.
- All right.

Oh, aren't you coming in
for a bit, Tel?

- Do you want to rephrase that?
- No, not really.

Well... it's a nice thought, but... no.
I'm a bit busy.

Yeah, I get it.

- No, straight, I've got things to do.
- It's all right, Tel. No sweat.

See you tomorrow, then, will I,
down the club?

Yeah, absolutely.

- Thanks again.
- Yeah.

You know...

they're only
glorified waitresses.

They're not that much
different to us.

Still, stripping is an art form
that goes back a long way.

Oh, really?

It's all a bit sad, really.

What, Debbie stripping,
or me helping her out?

Stripping.

Though it is a constant source
of curiosity to me

why you choose to earn your living
as you do.

I thought you only liked me
cos I was a nice bit of rough...

You don't start that again.

You meet a lot
of interesting people.

But it's so unpredictable.

Like your arrivals
and departures!

Anyway,
it's the only thing I can do.

It's not too late for you
to train for something.

Leave it out.

No, most of the time
I like it.

Like when you
repossessing bulls?

Yeah. That Arthur can be
a right loon at times.

Ready?

Arthur's here.

- Wow!
- Thought you'd like it.

Know the trouble with you, Terry?
You've got no sense of style.

That's what's holds you back,
my boy.

No sense of image, Terry, image!

- Arthur, that gear is ridiculous!
- Don't show your ignorance.

What do you know
about rural haute couture?

You've never set foot
outside of Southwest London.

But we're going to collect a bull,
not grouse-shooting.

No. These clients
are gentlemen farmers, didn't they?

I've got to look the part,
haven't I?

Image, Terry. Image!

- What now, left or right?
- Left.

No, right.

- No, you're right... left.
- Oh, my God...

Oh, this is the life, Terry!

A day in the country, eh?

Look at them fields,
look at them hedgerows!

England,
my England!

- Look at them trees... British oaks.
- Dutch elm!

Ah... You don't get none of your
cosmopolitan hoi polloi down here!

This is where
your real Englishman lives!

Don't talk cobblers, Arthur.

Smell that air!
Free, unpolluted.

Bit funny, we should've found it
by now.

Found what?

Well, he said there'd be a clearing
and a lorry.

Um. Probably copped a wrong 'un
back at that junction.

Yeah,
I think you're right.

Hold on. Hold on.
Hold on, stop it.

I'll give you a push.

Oh, blimey!

Go on, then!

Er, no, no, no. No.

You get out and shove it.
I'll get it out.

- Come on.
- It's a bit muddy, innit?

You're dressed for the country,
ain't you?

Should've put your wellies on,
like me.

There you go!

Image, Arthur. Image!

Remember the country code.

Sod the country code.

Arthur, you don't wanna go round

littering all this lovely
rustic charm, do you?

Here, I've been thinking...

Is this business kosher?

Why do you say that?

It's just I've never heard of bulls
being bought on a tally before.

If they were, it'd be
a finance firm, wouldn't it?

And they'd be responsible
for the repossessing,

not a couple of farmers.

They do things differently
in the country, Terry,

and they are
gentlemen farmers.

They don't schlep
around the marketplace

slapping hands to do deals
and handing over the readies.

Hold up.
This looks like it.

- Nice here, innit?
- Shh!

Who are we meeting,
Little Red Riding Hood

Nah, the Three Bears.
Now, shut up.

What's that?

This tells you where
to locate the animal, Terry.

Yeah, see?
"Bull."

We, Arthur,
where WE locate the animal.

Funny place to meet, innit?
Where are they?

No, no, no.
I'm not meeting them here.

Look, stop worrying, Terry.

Just leave all the
administrative details to me, eh?

This is taking on
a distinctly dodgy quality.

Dodgy?
No, don't be silly, Terry.

Look, I told you, they do things
differently in the sticks.

Yeah, well,
it don't seem right to me.

It's all a matter
of discretion.

I mean, these gentlemen
have to live in a community.

They have to move
among the peasants.

It would not do for them
to be seen

connected
with a delicate business like this.

Oh, yeah?

Well, don't just stand there.
Off you go.

Keys are in the lorry.

But you ain't.

I think
it's the next on the right.

'Ere, let me have a look!

Oh, I dunno.

This is ridiculous!
It's gotta be around here somewhere.

Right,
it's all yours, Terry.

No, Arthur.

This country air's
playing me up, Terry.

I'm...
I'm not feeling all that.

I am not going
to do it alone.

All right.

Come on.

You should've come back a bit more.

What for?
I want a gap there,

just in case I have to get out
on the hurry up,

but not big enough
for a bull.

- It's just a precaution.
- Yeah. I know.

- You've got it?
- No, I ain't got it. No.

It's a bit big, innit?

"Don't strain," he said.
"Like a dog. Like a cat."

No, no, that's just cos
he might get nervous.

Yeah, well, that makes
three of us.

Oh, Arthur!
What are you doing?

Come on, Terry!

Give us some hay.

- 'Ey?
- Hay.

- What's his name?
- I don't know.

- Hello, Ferdinand.
- Hello, Ferdy.

- That's Spanish, innit?
- I don't know. Go on.

Toro, Ferdy.
Hello, mate.

Arthur?

Supposed to be lucky, innit?

Hello, mate.
Bit of breakfast?

Hello.

You're a big boy, aren't you?
Here.

Who's a pretty bull, then?
Hello.

Hello. Look - nice!

Who's a pretty bully?

You're not a bully, really,
are you?

Come on.
Come here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa... Calm down.
There's a good boy.

Take it easy, take it easy.

Come, come.

Here's a good boy.
That's all right, innit?

It's a bit up your nose,
but it's all right.

- Oh, my good gawd.
- Come on, son.

It's everywhere!

You wouldn't be giving
me bullshit, would ya?!

Come on, sunbeam.
Come on. Come on. Eh.

Give us a hand, then!

No, I can't.
I'm damaged.

Who's a nice old bull,
aren't you?

Let's go for a nice ride.
Come on.

Come on.

Up we go. Come on.
Come on.

It's a nice auto.

Move.
Arthur, could you help?

Come on. There's a good boy. Come on.
Up you come. Come on. Come on.

That's easy.
Oops-a-daisy!

Come on. Who's a good old bully?
Who's a good boy!

There you are! See?
I told you. It's simple.

Oh, yeah, bleedin' simple,
that was

He's a good old bully.

What are you doing?
Move it!

Mine goes first.

Go on. Quick, quick, quick!

Simple.

Cor!
You don't half pen and ink!

Hold on,

what do you mean, meet you
in the village? What village?

Little village,
about two miles down the road.

I'll get a lift back there,
but first I've got to deliver

our four footed friend
to the clients.

- I'll follow you down.
- No, no!

No, Terry, you've done your part.
I'll just go and do mine.

If you'll pardon the expression,
this is all beginning to smell!

Terry, would I do anything that's contrary
to the letter of the law?

Of course not.
Unthinkable.

Which is why it's all right for me
to follow you down in the motor.

- No, you're wrong.
- Do you want to bet?

Mr Smith, Mr Brown,
your property, as arranged.

Who's that in the car, then?

Oh, that's...
that's just my trusted labourer.

No problem, was there, Mr Daley?

I see what you mean.

- Tripped, did you?
- Slithered, more like.

That's all right, Mr Daley.
We farmers are used to that smell.

Well, perhaps you'd like
to view your property

- before we conclude our business.
- Yes, we'd better have a look.

Well, that all seems satisfactory,
Mr Daley.

I think you'll find that's
in order.

Well, it's been a pleasure
doing business with you, gentlemen.

And ours with you,
Mr Daley.

There is just one thing,
you...

don't happen to have an old newspaper
in the car, do you?

Good day's work, Terry.
Good day's work.

- Was that their farm?
- No, no, no.

That was just
the meeting place.

Why didn't we take him
round to their farm?

Well, employees,
farm labourers.

If they see us, the word gets
down the rural grapevine, don't it?

It's very hard to keep a secret
in the sticks, you know.

What secret?

Once the geezer who had the bull
finds out it's missing,

- he's gonna know.
- Terry!

Even I can't claim to know
all the law of the countryside.

That's the way they wanted it,
that's the way they got it.

Now, stop rabbiting on about it
and cop that.

Take the two you've got coming
out of that and be grateful.

I could've done it on my own,
you know.

Straight down the middle?

Of course straight down the middle.
Would I do it any other way?

Honest Arthur?
No, course not.

Cor, you don't half stink!

Well, don't knock it.
Where there's muck, there's money.

That's what they say
up North.

I wanna be up West by six,
so put your clog down.

Debbie?
Deb?

Yeah? What?

- It's me, Terry.
- Oh, Tel!

There you go.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Don't be silly.
I've got a mate with a stall.

I look a mess, don't I?

Well, the Sister said
it's nothing permanent.

You'll be out
in about a week.

Yeah, she said.

Trouble is,
who's gonna feed my cats?

I'm so sorry
I didn't get back to the club.

I was stuck in the sticks
with Arthur. Traffic.

It's all right.
I know you would've if you could.

Listen,
did he say anything?

No, just a lot of dirty verbal,
then he...

beat up on me.

- Did he have a motor?
- Don't know. Didn't see.

Ask Bella to pop in
and feed my cats, Terry.

Yeah, course I will.

- Wait. Can she get in?
- My bag's down there. Key's in it.

- This one?
- That's it, yeah.

Thanks, Tel.

'Ere, how's that girlfriend of yours...
Penny?

Still on the ground, is she?

What do you mean,
it's nothing to do with you?

- I don't want any trouble.
- Listen, pigs breath,

they are your girls,
they work for you.

- They are entitled.
- I pay them don't I?

Am I responsible for what happens
to them after they leave the club?

Are you sure
you don't know this ratbag ponce?

I swear, if I knew anything,
I'd tell you, believe me.

Do us all a favour.

Look,
I'll tell you what I'll do.

You're right about the girls,
I should do something.

You find him, sort him out,
there's a pony in it for you.

A pony? You slag!

No, I'll tell you what you'll do,
you'll make that 200,

whether I phone the bastard, or not.
Got it?

- Got it?!
- All right, all right.

It's fair enough, I suppose.

But one thing, you don't tell
no one it's down to me.

I've got to conduct a business
around here.

Listen,
you've got my number.

If you see that crud at all,
give me a ring, right?

And that goes for you,
as well.

Innit time
you was getting undressed?

I detest ponces.

You haven't got a thing for her,
have you?

No.
That's not the point, is it?

Maybe if you led
a different lifestyle...

Oh, leave it...
I know, I know.

Turn out the light, love.

What for?

I'm shy.

You're dressed.
What time is it?

Time you were up.

- How do you feel?
- Terrific.

You're not going to for long.

Oh, my God!

Congratulations,

you've now graduated
to rustling.

Have you seen that?

- Give him a lager.
- Have you seen it?!

How do you think I feel?

Champion of its breed
at a Royal show.

They reckon it's worth
more than 40 grand.

I should've asked for more.

- More?!
- Terry, I have been conned.

I've been conned,
you mean!

Dave, tell him,
am I upset or am I not upset?

- He's upset, Terry.
- Upset?

We could get bird for this.
Explain that to him!

I think it's still on the statute book
that rustlers can be hung.

Don't say things like that!
I'm upset enough as it is.

Diabolical liberties have been taken
with my trusting nature!

Upset?

I'm done. I must be mad
for standing for this.

Terry, Terry,
I know just how you feel.

Let it be a lesson to us all,
never trust any but your own.

But you knew about it,
didn't you?

That's what all the ducking
and diving was about.

I swear!

Terry, I am as shocked and upset
as you are.

All we can do
is keep our fingers crossed.

Fingers crossed?
What are you talking about?

That we don't get our collars felt.
We could be nicked!

- Arthur...
- I have been discussing it

- with Dave here. Is it right, Dave?
- That's right, Arthur.

We reckon
we're in with plenty of chance.

- Arthur...
- As long as we keep shtoom,

just the three of us,
you know.

I mean, the local Old Bill
are not gonna come looking here

for rustlers, are they?
In the middle of London,

with all that
social background.

No, I've got a better idea.
We get it back and return it.

Return it?

- The bull?
- That's right. We back it.

Don't be silly.
How could we do that?

Simple.
We drive down to the country,

we find your two
"gentlemen farmers",

we collect it
and put it back in the field.

And what if
someone sees us?

The all place will be seething
with village bobbies bent on promotion.

Be like the Great Train Robbery
to them!

No, no, no, no.
Out of the question, Terry.

Heh! Next thing, you'll want us
to give the money back.

All right, then, we go to the Old Bill.
We declare everything we know, right?

We'll explain to them
we're victims of a con.

You can't be serious!

You think the filth
is going to take your word

against that of two
English country gentlemen?

You, with your form?

He's right. You'll be eating porridge
before you know it.

OK, then.
We do it the other way.

- Terry...
- At least then,

if we get nicked,
we've got a convincing story.

All right. Supposing you're right,
how do we find them?

Knock on farmhouse doors
and hope somebody answers?

They probably don't even live
on that manor!

He's right, Terry.

Will you stop keep saying
he's right!

Now... now listen.
Look.

I think I can remember
the number of the Roller, right?

Now, you've got a mate
who's in the force,

- right?
- Yeah.

Well, he could check it out,
get a few addresses for us, yeah?

I suppose so.

- Go on, then! On the dog.
- OK.

This is not a good idea,
Terry.

- And we're giving that money back.
- What?!

You going potty
or something?

This way, we don't get involved
with the conspiracy charge

- if it comes on top.
- I can't do that.

I can, and I can't afford it,
so you certainly can!

Lokk, Terry. The aggravation alone
isn't worth what you got out of it.

I'm not going back to the nick
for a poxy £300.

Look, Terry, be reasonable.

I mean, even if we get the bull back
without any difficulties,

them yoicks are not going to start
screaming for their money

and putting themselves
on offer, are they?

I don't care. I am not taking
any chances with my liberty.

What do you think
we're doing now?

And what about all that clobber I bought?
That's got to be paid for!

That is your genuine,
out-of-pocket expenses, Terry.

As you said yourself, Arthur,
"Let this be a lesson to us all."

Oh, my God, look at it! There's nothing
but fields, open spaces.

The exposure is terrible.

That's funny! Yesterday it was,
"England, my England."

Funny it's not, Terry.

We're a dot on the card
to be spotted. I'm telling you.

me and my City pinstripe
with a wild animal in possession!

- Suddenly it's a wild animal, is it?
- Who can tell?

Snatched from the security
of the field it knows as home,

a thing like that could
unbalance its brain,

turn it into a
raging wild beast.

Let's turn back
while we've still got the chance.

No!

Listen!

Helicopter.
They're probably scouring the whole area.

- We're a million to get that.
- Turn it in, will you?

They've all got estates
down here, you know.

- Who have?
- Crown Court beaks.

Descendants of
Judge Jeffreys.

- Judge who?
- Jeffreys,

known as
"The Hanging Judge".

That sort of excessive attitude
to lawbreakers

is passed on from generation
to generation.

That lot think a plea of mitigation
is a request to go to the toilet.

It'd be the maximum sentence,
no mercy. Stand on me.

I will,
if you don't turn it in!

Oh, my good God!

It's on top.
I know it. It's on top.

Arthur, we're still in your car.
We haven't even got the bull yet.

Come on,
he's waving you on.

- Is he following?
- On a pushbike?

Don't let that fool you.

He could radio ahead,
put out an All Points...

All that politeness is just to lull you
into a false sense of security.

It's the first copper
we've seen for miles.

Don't let that fool you.
They're all round,

lurking in the hedgerows,
hiding in the hay.

♪ Doo-da, doo-da. ♪

Just drive.

Morning.

Daley,
what are you doing here?

We've come to take the bull back.

- Er... a misunderstanding.
- You made a deal, Mr Daley.

Yeah, but as I say, there's been
a bit of a misunderstanding.

You see,
we didn't realise...

We didn't know
we were stealing the bull.

Well, that wasn't our impression,
Mr Daley.

Wasn't it?

Now, which one of you two gentlemen
owns this?

I do.

And you're William Meadows,
then, eh?

You're probably wondering
how we found you.

You see, my friend Arthur

has a friend who's got a friend
in the force, you see?

The police?

You haven't informed the police,
have you?

No, he hasn't, no.
Not yet.

What do you mean?

Well, the way I see it, there are
several ways to handle this.

Now, the best way is
that you give us back the bull

and there's no aggravation.

Or we call the Old Bill
and let them sort it out.

There is another way,
though.

Slightly unpleasant,
I'm afraid.

See, I get this...

Then I start smashing up the Roller.
When I've worked up enough aggression,

I'll sort you two.
Now, what do you want?

I don't think that would be
advisable.

You don't, eh?

A lot of big lads about the place.
We've only got to call them.

You'd better start shouting,
sunshine.

Wait a minute!

- What about the money?
- That's better!

Here you go.
There's my share.

Er, bit of a problem there, Terry.
I haven't brought mine.

I had no time to nip back
and get it.

- Mr Daley will pay by cheque.
- No, no. I haven't brought my book.

You what?
This...

Oh! I could've sworn
I left it on the...

Just pay the man, eh?

All of it?
Yeah, all of it!

What about money for exces?
Aggro money?

Just write out a cheque, right?
Your half.

His half, my half...
£600, OK?

£600?

We gave you
£4,000!

I was keeping it as a surprise for you.
Next week, your birthday.

- I take it on that, Terry.
- You don't know when my birthday is.

Yes, I do. Yes, I do.
Your mum told me

when I erm,
went round, one day.

Just write the cheque.

How do we know this won't bounce
and you've taken the bull for youself?

You don't.

Thank you.

Where is it, then?

Better get loaded up, then.

You know, if there's no bull
on the premises,

there's no evidence.

So what's to stop us
ringing the police once you've gone?

Oh, that's simple.

You're coming with us.

I thought you London spivs didn't mind
what you did for a few pounds.

Spivs?
Bit out of date, aren't you?

Of course, we could make it
a bit more...

I suppose
you could try.

Say eh...
another thousand?

Not interested, squire.

Anyway, you couldn't have kept it
round here.

Somebody'd be bound
to spot it.

We had no intention of keeping it
around here.

My colleague has an isolated farm
a long way away.

It wouldn't have been
difficult.

And I thought all the clever villains
lived in London!

Go on, then. He ain't gonna come out
by himself, is he?

Come on, come on,
come on.

Hey, look out!
Oh, no! Oh, God...

Athur, you gotta stop doing this.
People are beginning to talk.

Her Indoors'll kill you!

- Terry! Terry...
- Get off.

He's a bit of a case,
your Arthur, isn't he?

Nah, he's all right.
Just gets a bit carried away.

Why do you let him
get you into these situations?

I keep asking myself that.

He's just got this way
of talking me into things.

Mind you, they're not all as loony
as that bull caper.

And it does keep me
off the dole.

How about
calling me a cab?

All right. You're a cab.

- Listen, I don't suppose...
- What?

- Nah, don't worry.
- Go on, what?

- Well, I was just wondering...
- Wondering what, for goodness' sake?

Well, having you here
for the last few days, erm...

Well, I just thought...
Well, it would be easier if...

I like things the way they are,
Terry.

I like my job,
my independence...

and I like you.

Just not ready for that kind
of commitment.

Not yet.
OK?

- Yeah. Just a thought.
- Very nice one, too.

Terry! Terry!

Oh, my God...

- Terry!
- All right, all right, I'm here.

Ta. What is it with you these days?
Are you becoming a recluse or something?

Hello, there, Arthur.

It's all right.

- I was just leaving.
- Yeah. I got a job for you,

mate of mine's opening a drinker
over the water tonight.

Thinks it might get a bit rowdy.
There's a pony in it for you.

- Yeah, well...
- Keep you off the dole.

This is true.
Oh, your cab.

Oh, they're ringing YOU!

Hello?
Yeah?

Yeah, don't worry. No, it's all right.
I'll be straight over.

OK. Ta-ta.

- Listen, are you in a hurry? I need a lift.
- Why, where?

That other business
I was talking to you about.

What "other business"?
I'll explain in the motor.

Ooh!

- Ah, your cab!
- It's OK, I'll do it. You go on.

I'll ring you next week.

- I'll see you, won't I?
- You'll see me.

Come on, Terry!

I'll see you.

Oof!

"Just keep your seats, gents.
The show will continue shortly."

He's ready to leave.

Permanently!

I said I didn't want no trouble
in the club.

There ain't gonna be any more trouble.
Just give us the 200.

Come on!

I'll handle the finances,
Terry.

Straight down the middle,
as always, right?

Wrong, Arthur.
This is for Debbie.

What you might call "compensation
money for industrial injury".

Have you met Mr Creasey?

Terry...

Terry, you know, there are times
when I just don't understand you.

And there are times, Arthur,
when I DO understand YOU!

DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"

Subtitles by TVT

♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation

♪ Right people right time

♪ Just the wrong location

♪ I've got a good idea

♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ I'll do it like you want me to

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you ♪