Minder (1979–1994): Season 1, Episode 9 - Monday Night Fever - full transcript

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ Oooh-oo-oo-oo

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ Oooh-oo-oo-oo ♪

(Rock music)

♪ Lost inside the limousine

♪ 15 miles to nowhere

♪ Sunshine was fine, but mine's
letting in the rain

♪ Broke a real big deal



♪ Baby, I just don't care

♪ Never know where to go

♪ Even so, I could ride the pain

♪ I was dirty last night

♪ I was dirty last night

♪ I was dirty last night

♪ I was dirty last night

♪ I was dirty last night

♪ And so my head might be in a jam

♪ Sunshine was fine

♪ But mine's letting in the rain

♪ Broke a real big deal

♪ Baby, I just don't care

♪ Never know where to go



♪ Even so I could ride the pain

♪ I was dirty last night

♪ I was dirty last night

♪ I was dirty last night...

Can't you find nothing to do?

No, it's all very quiet - apart from
that bleeding music.

Well, keep your eye on that little
team at the bar.

They look like trouble.

Anything you say, chief.

♪ I was dirty last night

♪ And I just got in

♪ Whoa... ♪

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(MIC FEEDBACK)

Great gig, fellas. You are definitely
on an invite back.

- Oh, great.
- Here you go.

20?

- Something the matter?
- He was told we was getting 70.

Told? Who told you that?

Well, Sammy, you said 70,
didn't you? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, that's what you said,
Chris, when I fixed the gig.

70? I said 70?

'Ey, John, they think they're
superstars.

20 quid is hardly worth our while.

Knock off transport we're left with
two quid each.

I don't know. I don't understand you
kids.

I mean, you spend most of your time
on the social security or gigging in pubs.

I give you an opportunity to build
up a personal following.

I mean it, you do want
an invite back, don't you?

- Yeah, naturally.
- Then take your 20.

And show a bit of gratitude as well.

John. John.

We don't want no aggravation, do we?

It's been a genuine
misunderstanding.

Right, Barry?

Yeah, right.

I think you went down quite well.

Really nice.

- Thanks.
- So, listen.

Drop back in a couple of days.
We'll talk about a return engagement.

- OK?
- Yeah, thanks a lot, Chris.

See you, fellas.

Start clearing them out now, John.

ANNOUNCER: OK, that's it for
tonight.

We're back tomorrow night at 9:00
with Solid Soul night.

Until then goodnight and be careful.

Hey, where's my drink? Where's my
drink gone?

- Oh, it doesn't matter, Alan.
- Doesn't matter? Full Bacardi and coke?

Excuse me. I had a full drink there.
They've taken it away.

We're closed. It's not an all-night
bloody drinking club.

Full drink. I hadn't even touched
it. Shut up and get out.

Listen, I had a full drink on that
table.

Are you trying to make trouble?

I'm going to complain about you.
Take your hands off me.

Take your hands off me.

Leave him alone! Get off him!

O, my God, please!! Help him!

Leave him alone!!

- Oh, look what you done to him...
- Get up.

Shut up!

- Come on. Get out.
- All right, we're going, but...

Shut up.

And I'm reporting you to the police!

Shut up and get out.

Oi, come on. Out.

You were a great help.

Yeah. Well, they weren't exactly
the Wild Bunch, were they?

Now who do I see about getting paid?

Me.

Well?

No. Should be three of those.

- Tenner.
- And another fiver for VAT.

- Now, look here, pal...
- Don't give me any 'look here, pal' business.

A mate of mine phoned, asked me to
stand in for him. He said three fivers.

That's what I'm leaving here with.

How terribly kind.

And the next time your mate can't
make it...

I'll find a dep.

Well, the money you're paying you'll
probably get Muhammad Ali, won't you?

Well, it's all these dopey jobs you
get involved with.

- Well, Dennis wanted a night off.
- Yeah.

Dennis'll be having a lot of nights
off.

- How do you mean?
- Didn't you see the papers?

No.

Four of 'em. Thought they'd had it away
with a Belgium juggernaut.

Six Old Bill sitting in the back.
He-he-he-he.

Ho, ho. Oh, dear, oh, lord.

Your name was up for that an' all.

That's nice, innit?

I said, 'Not my Terry. He don't want to know
about pickaxe handles and shooters.'

'I've not gone over to the other side, '
I said, 'but like Sweden during the war

- we're declaring our neutrality.'
- Khm.

Oh, my good gawd. What's this?

What have you done, Arthur?

Shtum, Terry. Very, very shtum.

Hello, Mr. Chisholm.

I never knew this
was your gaff, Arthur.

I didn't say it was.
What's the trouble?

I mean, we've got no record of you
as landlord,

tenant or registered keyholder.

- What's the problem?
- You've had the burglars round.

I don't suppose you caught 'em.

- Patrol car spotted 'em.
- Oh.

But we're not sure - were they
coming out or still trying to get in?

- It is your place, is it?
- Yeah, well, I mean, sort of.

Well. Let's look inside and see
if they've got away with anything.

No, no, no.
Not necessary at all.

- What have you got in there?
- Odds and ends.

Very nice of you fellas to take an
interest.

I'll let you know if there's anything
missing.

Yeah, all right, Arthur.

You'll be well insured, I suppose.

- No worries.
- National Fidelity?

Nah. Terry.

Well, just remember, Arthur.

If you're going away for the
weekend,

don't forget to inform
your local police station.

A certainty to get your gaff
turned over then.

Terry...
See you, Mr. Chisholm.

- All right, Arthur.
- No wonder Sir Keith Joseph

keeps on about law and order.

And everywhere you look - tea leaves.

Come on.
Shut the door.

All right, all right.

Oh, my...

You're at the long firm again,
aren't you?

What are you talking about?
I paid for all this.

It's bent gear. You want to get me
nicked again, don't you?

Terry, this is all kosher.

Then why didn't you want the law
to have a look?

Cos it's none of their business.

Do you think they have the law poking
their nose in down at Harrods?

Nice suits. Swedish.

You like a nice Oscar Jacobson, don't
you? Get your jacket off.

Try this one on. Just your colour.

Grey herringbone.

There we are.

Listen, just cos I'm trying it on
don't mean to say I've bought it.

No bother.

130 quid in the shops.

Oh, yes, oh, yes. You look the
business in that, my son.

No bother. Oh, yes,
you can have that one.

- 70.
- Do what?

All right then, give me 50.

I wouldn't pay 50 for a suit that
fitted.

Now, come on, Arthur.
This is all bent, innit?

Terry, on my landlord's life
this is all straight.

I have got bills of sale,
receipts, invoices.

Show me then.

The fellas bring it round.
The insurance people.

Container burst open. Happens all the
time.

All I done was buy a job lot.
It's export stuff.

Export? You just said this was made
in Sweden.

Yeah. Well, import as well.
How about this?

500 copies of the Digest edition of the
collected works of Charles bleeding Dickens.

Now, you're not going to tell me
that's Swedish, are you?

Now what we got to do is to shift this lot
and get some stronger locks for our doors.

- And...
- And what?

Work out who it was who sussed the
gear was here and tried to break in last night.

I suppose it's never occurred to you
that it might be

a few pals of the geezer
you bought it off of?

Do you know what, young Terence?
It probably was.

I'm knocking these out at three quid
a bottle. Is that about, right?

That's about right, innit?
Go in there tonight, buy three large ones

you've bought yourself a bottle
back. Very clever.

Bloody publicans. Three weeks and
I'll be out of pocket.

♪ The shadow of your smile

♪ When you are gone

♪ Will colour on my dreams

♪ And light the dawn

♪ Look into my eyes, my love

♪ And see

♪ All the lovely things you are

- She's hitting the nostalgia scene.
- Oh, yeah?

♪ A wistful little star

♪ Was far

♪ Too high

♪ A teardrop kissed your lips...

Dear oh, lord.
Good way to empty a pub, innit?

Oh, now that's what I really call a
song.

- Eh?
- Oh, what a knockout bird.

Eh?

♪ All the joys of love they bring

♪ I will be remembering...

It's hardly a Capital chart climber,
is it?

Don't tell me you know about music,
for gawd's sake.

That... that was 1965 if my memory
serves me right.

Liz Taylor and the Welshman.
What's his name? In the film.

- '65?
- Yeah.

The year Cassius Clay
changed his name after

dumping Liston after
one minute in the first.

You can't fault me on history, my
son.

When did Harold get hit in the eye?

Oh, I don't know.
I didn't see that fight.

♪ The shadow of your smile

♪ Smile-le ♪

(SOLITARY APPLAUSE)

Beautiful. Knockout.

Oh, ta.

Well, I'll tell you what, darling.

Basically, it's a rock'n'roll pub,
you know what I mean?

- So, um...
- So, you don't want to know.

No, I don't.

You're all the bloody same, you lot.

- Hey, look...
- 'Ey, 'ey, 'ey, da, da, da. Leave it to me.

(SOBS)

Just a minute, little lady.

Don't you let that lot in there
upset you.

They don't appreciate anything good
them sort of people.

Course they don't. It's only a boozer.
Friday night full of yobbos.

You see, my dear, your style is more er...
"Talk Of The Town", innit?

Yeah. Yeah, well, that's what I
think.

Come on. Dry them little tears.

You got a motor?

Where do you live?

Down the Fulham Road.

Oh. Oh, well, I'd better
give you a lift home then, eh?

Oh. Lovely.

- It's a nice hanky.
- Mm.

- (Blows her nose)
- It's silk, innit?

I've got another couple of dozen
of them at home

to go with the different suits, you know.
Come on.

Thank you.

- All right?
- Yes.

Are you in the business then?

Hm. I'm Arthur Daley.

I'm Sharon Nightingale.

It's not my real name, of course.

- What, Sharon?
- No.

No, Nightingale. Sounds better than
Dobbs anyway.

I thought you must be in the
business,

being so appreciative and
everything.

Well, I'll tell you, Sharon,

I have lots of contacts in the business,
you know? Clubs, hotels.

I w... I was had a drink with Jimmy Samuel,
the other night.

Charity dinner we're acting at.

I tell you, Sharon, contacts is the
name of the game.

Yeah, I know.

I could be a lot of help to you
in your career, you know?

Make sure you get
the right promotion,

the proper handling.

Yeah, that's what I think.

- Married?
- No.

The fella at the pub...
your boyfriend?

Oh, no, nothing like that, no.

He wants to be an agent.

He's been to Pitman's business college
and everything.

Oh, nice.

(GASPS) Oh! Did you see that?

- (TYRES SCREECH)
- In that shop window. A dress.

Really nice. I mean, beautiful.

I thought I was witness
to a robbery or something.

We could just go back a bit, could we?
Just so as I could have a look?

- Yeah, course.
- Oh, thanks.

(TYRES SCREECH)

- (HORN BLARES)
- And you, China!

It's like you said, Arthur.

Presentation is everything
in this game, isn't it?

Course it is.

Well, look, look at the gear that Shirley
Bassey wears.

See, on the stage...
singing my sort of songs...

It'd look beautiful. Do you want to
try it on?

Ooh, Arthur. Should I?

When you're with Arthur Daley,
sweetheart, it's cabaret time.

Live a little, eh?

- Long lie in?
- Oh, yeah?

With 'er indoors hoovering
around the bed all the time?

Oh, I didn't get in till four.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. Who was it? The
singing scrubber?

- What did you call her?
- You heard.

She is a very special young lady,
Terry.

Oh, yeah? What are her specialities
then, eh, eh?

Oh, yeah, that's all you would
understand, isn't it?

Nice girl, nice company, plus...

- Plus...?
- ...enormous...

Does it begin with T?

Talent. Enormous talent.

Ah, I thought you were going to say
something else.

Yeah, you would.

Hey, I thought Jackie Strong
was coming for these jeans.

He was and he did.

He said these jeans
with the famous label

were all made in Albania
and would last about two weeks.

Which would ruin his reputation
as an honest trader down the market.

Yeah. Bound to.

He was only selling Christian Dior
perfume the other week

made up by a little Paki in his council
flat kitchen by QPR stadium, no less.

Well, listen. You were going to tell me
about this enormous talent.

That girl is going to be a superstar.

I'll be her manager.
I'll give it two years.

We'll be tax havening
it in the Cayman Islands.

(SNIGGERS) Or caravanning it
at Canvey Island, know what I mean?

Do you know what you know?
Nothing.

You forget I still have friends in clubland.
I'm still owed a few favours.

So, I start making a few calls.

Like where?

Like where - top places
like the Blue Camellia.

- The what?
- The what, he says. Ha-ha.

Only one of the most exclusive
nighteries in the West End...

...in Jermyn Street.
You know where that is?

Arthur, that was closed
down in the swinging '60s

along with all the
other places like that.

- The Golden Bangle?
- (SQUEAKS)

Lavish Floorshow?

The Lavish Floorshow now consists of
a geezer putting on records

while three debs and a rock star eat
hamburger and chips.

Oh, all those beautiful places.

We lost India an' all.

Yeah. 'Ere, don't wind
me up on history, Terry.

Sorry.

No, see, I don't do the West End
much these days.

I mean, how do they start, you know?

All the kids, Top Of The Pops. Where
do they start?

Dunno really. Pubs, I suppose.

Hey, that place you were working
the other night.

That's music, innit?

Well, that's what
they called it, yeah.

What's the guy's
name? The head man.

How do I know? I was sitting on the
subs bench for a bouncer.

You make it your job to know.
That's how you get on in the world.

Oi. Oi. What am I supposed
to do now then?

Oh, 'ere, look.
All them metric sizes,

change 'em into the approximate
English equivalent. Right?

- Eh?
- Yeah, 'eh'.

Think about it.

Give them little muscles up there
a chance for a workout.

500 kids and psychedelic lights, it
looks a bit different.

I'm very glad to hear it.

(BLEEPING)

Anyway, you probably
know my name well enough.

- Arthur Daley.
- Can't say I do, really.

No, no, it's a little bit off
my manor.

Well, the thing is I've got
this good girl singer.

Maybe you should let me
decide that.

- What?
- Whether she's very good.

Got a demo?

- Got a what?
- A cassette.

Now, look, just take my word for it, eh?

Did you get that toy for Christmas?

Friend of mine. Got to number five
in the charts.

We er... get a lot of presents.

Only way to do business. Presents given,
favours done. Everyone's happy.

You want record companies here.
You want booking managers, TV people.

Takes a lot of arranging.
Phone calls, drinks, the musical press.

- Yeah, all that.
- Backing. Top musicians.

I mean, that'll set you back
300 for a start.

My time, my staff's time. All the
arrangements, the hassles.

My reputation. Maybe joint
management if I like her.

What does it all add up to?

Simple figures?

Six. Readies.

- Well...
- No, no, no.

No arguments, no haggling.

600 up front. That's it.

Good chick singer, I mean,
you could end up making a fortune.

A man of my experience, why would I
be interested otherwise?

I'd better go now, Arthur.

Oh, don't I get a cup of coffee?

Well, I'd really like to but
it's the other girls, see.

I understand, my darling.
Don't you worry.

We'll have you out of here before
long.

- Arthur.
- Mm.

You've been really wonderful to me.

Ah, nothing.

That Chinese meal. Never had nothing
like that before.

Well, they know I like a good
king prawn in there.

And then going on at the Music Room.

(GASPS SOFTLY) That's really,
really unbelievable.

Well. I told you,
I'm well known, respected.

Probably get a record contract
out of it.

(GASPS) No?!

Yeah, I've got a lot of record people
coming down. Personal acquaintances.

Oh, Arthur.

If we get things sorted out
we'll go away for a few days, eh?

Marbella. You been there?

That's all those racing drivers
live there, don't they?

That's right. James Hunt and
all that lot. And what's his name?

- Niki Shouter.
- Yeah.

Arthur, you know
what we were saying earlier,

you know, about the difference
in ages and everything.

Mm.

- I don't think it matters.
- No, course it don't.

- I mean, all the stars do it, don't they?
- Yeah.

- It's like they need a more mature man.
- Mm.

And you are a star, my darling.

You won't get in trouble or nothing
at home, will you?

Sharon, my darling, I've told you,

I know how to handle everything.

Bye.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

- Yeah?
- It's me.

- Ta.
- What time is it?

Quarter to five.

Oh, do you live in this shambles?

What are you doing? Is this an early
start or a late finish?

'Er indoors. Locked me out,
didn't she?

I thought you had her trained.

Yeah. I was giving Sharon
a bell from home.

She was ear holing on the extension.

Yeah, I saw the film.

Oi. Don't I get a cup of tea or
something?

If you brought your own tea bag.

You got a duvet or something?

Er... yeah, there's a tartan travel
rug in one of those cupboards.

Cor. This is a khazi, you know that?

The khazi's through there.

Simon come about them jeans?

Did Simon come about them jeans?

Yes, Simon did come about
those bloody jeans.

He said they're all made in
Albania...

and Levi's is spelt with an "I"
and not a "Y".

(CHUCKLES) I love the garters.

What's everyone got against Albania?
They were on our side during the war.

Argh! Look, this has got stuff all
over it!

It's probably wheatgerm.

Every bloody germ by the look of it.

I might get a flat with that Sharon.

Arthur, you're
a happily married man.

She got no cards tonight.
I told her.

I thought you said she locked
the door on you.

Shouted through the letterbox.

Phwoar! This cushion could do
with a visit to Sketchley's an' all.

Oh!

Oi!

Oi!

- What?
- Wake me at quarter to eight.

What for?

Got to take the kids
to school, haven't I?

- Yeah, I forgot.
- What?

Well, if they don't arrive
in a Daimler.

Get expelled, don't they?

Shut up, Terry.
I'm trying to get to sleep.

Terry.

- What?
- Put the light out.

(MELLOW SAXOPHONE)

(MIC FEEDBACK)

(LOW CONVERSATION)

I don't suppose there's the slightest chance of us
rehearsing one of my numbers now, is there?

Yeah, sure. What do you want to do?

Who Can I Turn To?

- What key?
- Well, I don't know, do I?

(TUTS) You're the pianist. You're
supposed to know about things like that.

Oh, er, yeah. Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

It's this one, innit?
(PLAYS SONG INTRO)

Yeah. But that's too high.

- And I do it ever so slow.
- Oh, all right.

Well, as the man said, 'You start
we'll follow you.' All right?

I won't. I've never even
heard of it.

- Shut up.
- (TUTS)

What do you mean you don't fancy it?

Well, it's not my scene, is it,
that kind of music?

I am launching a star.

There ain't going to be any riots
down there, are there?

And you'll be glad-handing it all
over the place.

You don't need me, mate.

I thought you might like to share in
a moment of triumph.

Look, I've said good luck
and all that, haven't I?

Anyway, I've been doing that
metrication all day and...

I'm going to meet a bird at 9:00.

- Bring her down.
- I promised to take her for a Greek meal.

Give her a quick doner kebab and
chips and bring her down.

No, she's into soul music.

I'll tell you what, I'll see how it
goes.

Oh, thank you. Very considerate.

(DISTANT LAUGHTER)

Oh, and, Arthur, you know
the sofa situation?

- Not tonight, eh?
- Have I asked?

- No, but...
- Hotels all over the place, you know.

That's all right then, innit?
Terrific.

Might one enquire who is this creature
that makes you forsake your friends?

- Air hostess.
- Oh, not the little dark-haired job?

Yes.

I mean, she's not exactly jet set,
is she?

She's not, 'I'm Mandy, fly me to
Dallas, Texas.'

No, her name is Penny
and she works on

the London to Manchester shuttle
service.

You don't have to be fluent in three
languages for that.

All she needs is a good umbrella.

At least she don't sing.

Terence.

♪ Who can I turn to

♪ When nobody needs me?

♪ My heart wants to know

♪ And so I must go where destiny
leads me

♪ With no-one to guide me

♪ And no-one beside me

♪ I'll go on my way

♪ And after the day

(OFF KEY) ♪ The darkness will hide
me

♪ And maybe tomorrow...

- Where is everybody?
- Monday night, innit?

Most nights they don't come in till
the boozers close.

Vodka and slimline.

Oi.

Where is everybody?

- Who? I don't know.
- You don't know?

The record producers. The faces.
The guests.

Oh, didn't show.

♪ But who can I turn to

♪ If you turn away? ♪

- They'll be doing Come Dancing next week.
- (LAUGHS)

Stick another vodka in there.

I would now like to do

a lovely love song

called The Shadow Of Your Smile.

(PIANO ACCOMPANIMENT)

(OFF KEY) ♪ The shadow of your smile

♪ When you are gone

♪ Will colour all my dreams

♪ And light the dark

♪ Look into my eyes...

Oh, my gawd.

- Hey, that's £1.20!
- (RADIO HOST) OK, folks, sorry about that.

This is your DJ here at the Music
Room. Here we go with our first number.

(SOBS)

(WAILS)

Don't you fret, my darling.

There. There, there.

Oh, Arthur.

- They're all pigs...
- Yeah.

...all of them.

- They don't appreciate nothing.
- No, you're quite right, my dear.

Dress looked nice though.

Sorry, Sharon, wasn't very much
together.

You and your band.
You ought to be nicked.

It wasn't our fault.

- Well, whose fault was it then?
- She hit a few bum notes, that's all.

Bum notes? You weren't
exactly Mantovani yourself.

Who?

'Who?' he says.

Mantovani.

Famous musician. Bloody great orchestra.
Could play anything.

They're difficult numbers for a band
like ours.

Listen. For 300 quid a go you should be able
to get through the Warsaw Concerto.

- 300?
- Your poxy fee.

We got 25 quid and that's a fiver
more than last time.

- What did you say?
- 25.

Dry her tears.

(SOBS)

You, you turned me over.

Calm down, Mr. Daley.

Calm down? You
had 600 quid off me.

She went on, she went off.
Not my fault.

- Where are the people?
- Record producers, the celebs?

Didn't show.

Invites, telephone calls. Did I try
my best, John?

- Worked our fingers to the bone.
- You're lying. I want my dough back.

Then I suggest you put the matter
in the hands of your legal advisors.

I don't have legal advisors, sonny.

I have people who come round
and punch your head in.

That's a very nasty threat,
Mr. Daley.

Made in front of witnesses.

Perhaps you'd better show Mr. Daley
the door.

Hey, watch it, watch it.
That's an 80-guinea velvet.

Then we don't want it messed up now,
do we, Mr. Daley?

- You don't know me, son, do you?
- Well, we have heard the name.

What was that old election slogan?

'Yesterday's people.'

- Hm!
- That's the trouble, innit, Mr. Daley?

Times change, don't they?
See you.

You know, I'm cracked
with this metrication.

You see, one inch
equals two and half s...

Yeah, well, forget all that.
They had me over, Terry.

No Stars On Sunday?

That Chris is going
to be seeing some stars.

40? That's a 17 collar...
near enough.

Collar? I thought it was
the chest size.

They tucked me up very nice.

Poxy band. Record executives?
Producers?

They had about ten squatters in the place
sharing half a pint of shandy between them.

- Well, that's show business, Arthur.
- It's diabolical business.

600 sovs.

That man.
That little flash Chris.

He stole my money. And that is
a crime. That is a liberty.

So, forget that metrication and
get over there and give him a pull.

- Get the money back?
- Right.

Supposing he don't want to pay.

Then he gets a spank.

And he keeps getting spanked
till he does want to pay.

Mm.

What do you mean 'Mm'?

I mean, those days are over,
aren't they?

- Eh?
- Putting the frighteners on.

Helping one of the chaps out.
Collecting bad gambling debts.

Gambling debt?!
That man stole my money.

No, he didn't, Arthur,
he just ripped you off.

Which is your game, innit?

I mean, how many mug punters
have you had over, right?

You thought you were on a winner
with Fulham's answer to Dusty Springfield.

But you were wrong!

All right? You lost.
So, what? Tough.

The man threatened me.

Hey, what's he going to do, hit you
over the head with his silver bracelet?

That's marvelous, innit?

I mean, 'ere you are supposed
to be minding out for me.

I come to you with a genuine grievance
and you don't want to know.

That'll sound good on the manor, innit?
That'll do a lot for my image.

Ha.
Your image?

Listen, sunshine, I am a highly
respected person.

Oh, yeah? And where would that
be... sunshine?

A few afternoon drinking clubs,
car auctions.

A few old villains
with long memories.

I don't know what's got into you.

I mean, have I... have I or have I not
done you a favour or three?

Oh, four even.

Looked after your mum
while you were away.

Here we go. Yeah.

Dropped round
with a few pressies.

Oh, yeah. A nice set of Dralon curtains
as advertised on Police 5.

- She can't live without 'em.
- Set you up when you came out.

You're getting there, Arthur.

But now you're setting me up
to go back in again.

I'm not asking you to go
and shoot the geezer.

All I want is
a little friendly retribution.

- I'm sorry, Arthur, I'm not doing it.
- Look, he nicked 600 out of my pocket.

And what you are saying is
I should just stand for that.

- Nah, I'm not saying that.
- What are you saying then?

There's got to be something else.
Something... I don't know, but...

Solicitor's letters. I mean, 600.
It's high finance, innit?

Just sussed it. Bottle job.

Ha, ha.

Happens. You said so yourself
in the past.

There is always going to be
somebody better.

Well, it has come to pass.

That Chris has got himself well protected,
you've made your decision.

- Swallowed it.
- Oi.

Look at me.
Am I trembling?

That guy down there I could have him
over in ten seconds, including the count.

'Couse you could.
Then you have a whack that Chris,

walk out with the money and
there'll be a nice drink in it for you.

Yeah. And then look,
Chris phones the Old Bill,

I get done for assault
and demanding money with menaces.

Look, can't I get it through to you?
I'm not doing it. End of message.

All right. End of job.

Job?

I suppose redundancy pay
is out of the question.

Oi. My biro and notebook.

Oh, yeah.

I don't want to be found ripping you
off for a biro and notebook.

I mean, you might get
a contract out on me.

(RINGING TONE)

- Hello?
- Hello, my love. How are you?

Maybe we could have...
a little meal together tonight.

Oh, I don't think that I can
tonight, Arthur.

- Why not?
- Well, I was going to rehearse, see.

- Where?
- Well, I don't really know.

Um, you know Barry,
the keyboard player?

Well, he was going to teach me all
about chromatic scales and that.

- But he was diabolical.
- No, no, he's good. He really is.

You see, last night
wasn't really his fault.

I tell you what. Can you phone me
back later

and I'll tell you where
I'm going to be? All right?

You know, I'm thinking of doing
a whole new act.

A whole new act, eh?

Yeah, all right. Now, look,
don't you worry, my love.

I'll call you later. Bye.

- (KISS).
- Bye.

- Thought you were working.
- I thought you'd have gone.

- Five minutes.
- You do all this?

Well, you can't say it didn't need it.

Ah. I think I'd better have you
living in.

Eh, don't spoil my uniform.

I've got to look all fresh
and alluring

for all those fellas who want to fly
me to sun-drenched Manchester.

You can do that up though.

- You are romantic.
- Come back specially to see me?

Well, no, not really.
Yeah, I mean, that's a bonus, but...

but I had a row with Arthur.

What, your best friend? Great pal?

All that 'man who's like a dad to me'?

Yeah, well, best friend wants a
favour

that could land me up somewhere
I haven't been for a few years.

Well, don't do it
cos I'd miss you.

- Yeah, but a pal is a pal is a pal.
- Has somebody hurt him?

Only where it hurts most - pocket.

Pardon the expression
but I've got to fly.

- Got three days off in eight days time.
- Ohh.

Thought I'd spend it in London.

It'll be lot more fun
if you weren't in Wormwood Scrubs.

- Phone you, OK?
- OK.

- And another thing.
- You love me.

Yeah. But get some new bags
for your vacuum cleaner.

Ta-ta.

Do you know what, son?
You're a right little charmer.

Well, to tell the truth, Arthur,

- I'm sorry to hear it.
- Happens.

'Forsake not an old friend' as the
Good Book has it. That's what he done.

Dave, I'm not asking you
to take sides,

but if Terry had been where he should
have been it would never have happened.

I was heavily outnumbered.

Outgunned, you might say.

What, they... they
had the shooters out?

Figuratively. I put it
not stronger than that.

(BANGING AT DOOR)

- Get that, will you, Jimmy?
- OK.

- Squeeze another one in there?
- I don't see why not.

- It's Vic Piner.
- Ah.

Yeah? Well, you can just leave
the door closed.

- Says he's got to meet with Arthur.
- That's right.

Leave it out, Arthur.
The man's barred.

In my company? I'll vouch for him.

- All right?
- You're joking.

- We just want to discuss a little business.
- I'm sorry, not here.

No disrespect to you, Arthur,
but that man has upset so many people.

He don't come in
and that's that.

Well. I'm certainly learning something
about friends today. Eh?

Cheers.

You're not very popular, Vic.

- He slagged me off, that Dave?
- No, no, no. Take it easy, take it easy.

Just said you were barred.
Didn't cast any aspersions on you.

We er... we'd better go
and have a cup of tea somewhere.

Tea?

Are there any licensed premises on
the manor where you're not barred?

Er... no.

I wonder why.

I get picked on a lot, see?

People look at me they think,
'Aye, aye, who does he think he is?'

So, I tell 'em.

Same thing with my brothers.
So, you've got to stand by 'em, ain't you?

I mean... family.

Oh, yeah.
Family's a very precious thing.

Want some geezer done over,
do you?

No, just... just er...

- persuaded to pay a little debt.
- Yeah.

We'll drop round my brother's yard.

Ah, well, no, I don't think it's a matter
for the whole family Piner.

It's only round the corner.
Just drop by, eh?

Well, don't tell him I told you,
don't say I phoned,

but that Vic, they wouldn't even
welcome him in Broadmoor.

Yeah, but he's over 21, isn't he?
He's made his decision.

Yeah, but, Terry,
if that goes wrong, and it could,

your old pal - and never mind
a falling out -

your old pal is up
for conspiracy to murder.

You should have heard
her sing an' all.

Wait till you see this, Arthur.
Wait till you see Henry's collection.

Ha. Antique that is.
Austin 7 starting handle.

And this. Ho-ho.

- World War I that is.
- Yeah, I keep 'em nice.

Have they er...
have they all been used?

Oh, yeah. Depending how much
you want to hurt 'em.

But any one of those
could kill somebody.

Oh, easy.

I don't anyone killed.
Just frightened a bit, you know.

Hah. You tell him you're going to kill him
you'll probably frighten him, won't you?

- (LAUGHS)
- Well, he only owes me 600 quid.

Well, let's say now he only owes you
300, eh?

See what I mean?

Oi. What's your game?

- I need to talk to you.
- John.

John!

Never mind John.
I've come 'ere to help you.

Now, be quiet and listen.

You had Arthur Daley over,
all right?

OK, good luck to you.

The only problem is
Arthur is a bit tight with his money.

- If you've come here to threaten me...
- Just shut up and listen, will you?

Have you ever heard of Vic Piner?

No, well, Muscles here must have,
haven't you?

Yeah.

He's a nutter. Mad Vic.

Now, if he gets you you'll need more than
that St Christopher to help you.

- He's right.
- What's he going to do then?

What he wants to do is come in,
take the money

and give you a good hiding
just for the fun of it.

- And what's your angle?
- Ah, you're one of those, are you?

Everyone has to have an angle.

Well, mine's quite simple.
Arthur Daley is a mate of mine

and I can't afford the petrol
to go and see him if they lock him up.

Second, I don't see why you should get
your legs broken for being greedy.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

No, no, no, no, no.

We'll try the stage door
round the back.

(DISTANT DOOR CLOSES)

Bit early for the dancing, aren't
you?

- What are you doing here?
- I've been chatting to my friend Chris.

He tenders his apologies and he says
that you left this... in his office.

400.

Well, he reckons he's due 200
on account of first...

teaching you a lesson and secondly
having to listen to that bird sing.

All right?

Reasonable.

Course, it's a wasted journey
for young Victor here, innit?

Oi.
You just nicked my job.

Job? You're not even
on the firm, son.

- I was on 300.
- Ooh.

What's that? 100 a year.

You bastard!

I'm surprised at you, Arthur.

I always made you a good judge
of a fighter.

Yeah.

- Oi. Can you hear?
- Yeah.

Look, I'll do a deal with you, sunshine.

You and your brothers
don't start a war

and I won't tell a soul
that it took one good left-hander

to knock you spark out, all right?

Clever, eh? See, together you and me
are very, very clever, Terry.

- Putting mad Vic on him wasn't too clever.
- Wasn't it?

- Well, was it?
- It got you working quick, didn't it?

Oh, my gawd. What now?

Well, they really did you this time,
Arthur. Cleaned you out.

There was nothing in here,
Mr. Chisholm.

- Nothing?
- Odds and ends.

All we found was a few records.

Musical, that is, not criminal.

Yeah, he's very partial to music
is young Arthur.

Yeah, I used to be in the business.
I used to manage a girl singer.

Oh, yeah? What happened to her then?

Well, you know the way the kids are
these days.

Ran off with a tone-deaf
piano player.

That's showbiz, isn't it,
Mr. Chisholm?

- There was nothing in here.
- Yeah.

- Odds and ends.
- Mm.

♪ If you want to I'll change the
situation

♪ Right people, right time

♪ Just wrong location

♪ I've got a good idea

♪ Just you keep me near

♪ I'd be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ I'm gonna help you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I'd do anything for you-ou-ou

♪ I'd be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ I'll do it like you want me to

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ There ain't nothing I can't go
through-oo-oo-oo

♪ I'd be so good for you ♪