Minder (1979–1994): Season 1, Episode 11 - You Gotta Have Friends - full transcript

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

How much is all that?

£4.35, Governor.

£4.35, eh? Right down to the last
quarter of a mile.

Here they are.

No, no, no, my son,
you keep that.



You deserve it. Nice tour we had,
all around London.

Psst!

- Arthur!
- What's that?

Arthur!

- Arthur!
- Who's that?

It's Billy, Arthur.

Billy!

What are you doing here?
You lurking?

A spot of lurking?
You all right, Bill?

Oh dear, oh dear!
What have you done?

I need help, Arthur.

Come inside,
we'll have a nice drink.

No, I want a lift, Arthur.
Can you drive me somewhere?

In my state? I'm boozed!



I've been to a function,
some of the chaps from the lodge.

- Come inside and tell me about it.
- I need a lift now, Arthur!

- I've done my leg in.
- Oh!

Are we friends, Billy?
Are we mates?

You will get a lift, my son.

You will get a ride
to the ends of the earth.

Lean on me.

I think it's really clever
you being into yoga and everything.

Yes, it's great.

Hey! You got lodgers?

- Hey?
- Is someone out there?

Terry! Open up!

Open up, Terry!

Shh, shh! Bill, shh!

I'm asleep!

It's very important!

Terry!

Open up!

- Oh! What have you come as?
- Sorry, Arthur.

- Listen, mate...
- He's got his kung fu gear on!

- I've got something else on.
- You know Billy Gilpin.

Billy needs a favour.
Let's come in. Come on, Bill. Come in.

Oh, go over there then.

- Over here, Bill.
- Keep the noise down!

- You want a drink, Billy?
- No, thanks, Arthur.

- Arthur!
- No, look, look!

I promised Billy,
I said, "If there's one fellow...

...who will not let you down..."

- I've got a bird in there.
- I'll explain it to her.

You what? It took me
three hours to get her there!

You think I can't charm her
into staying another three hours?

Look, Terry, I'm sorry
but I really need this favour.

Terry. A friend, Terry...

Good night!

Your charm must have penetrated
through the bleeding wall!

Not too fast,
we don't want to get a pull.

You all right there, squire?

Ain't been road taxed for months.

Don't you want some music?

- No, quite honestly.
- I like that one, er...

"Friends". Cos you've gotta have
friends.

Old, er... Klingman and Linhart.

- What?
- They said it. I mean...

The bird sings it, but it's uh...
old Klingman and Linhart who wrote it.

I won't forget this.

The way I see it,
a friend is a guy...

You can look him up in the middle of
the night, and he'll help you.

No questions... nothing.

See?
You haven't asked, have you?

Asked what?

How come pretty Billy's got a bruise
on his face and a bad leg?

How come he wants a lift in the
middle of the night?

I don't wanna know.

Well, that's good.

Anyway, I've er...
I've given Arthur an address.

He'll see you're well looked after.

I thought it was all
down to friendship

People I've been with, you see, they er...
they don't understand that sort of thing.

They are slags.

And a filth.

No way are they going to believe
my story.

And I don't wanna hear it, Billy.

Me, I'm a champagne man.

Ha. I just love that old bubbly.

Up, up and away.

But then I...
get these downers, see?

Really down.

So, they put me on these tablets.

I suppose they think
I might top myself.

Nearly always cracking jokes, me.
You ask Arthur.

Tell you what, we meet up again,

we'll split a bottle
of champers, right?

Yeah, right.

How are you going to book in
without any bags or anything?

Guy's a friend.

No friends, Terry,
you ain't even got a life.

Terrence McCann!

I'd never have guessed
without seeing that

Yeah, you must have seen
quite a few in your time.

No. It's the Marks & Spencer
executive line suit that does it.

- You got no right breaking in here.
- Breaking in?

We were kindly allowed access
by your associate.

I was having a kip.

- Shall we take a ride?
- What if I say no?

That would be silly, really.

All we want to do
is have a talk with you.

Thanks, Arthur!

Wherever I go, Terry,
I see dirt.

Wherever I listen, I hear lies.

I've always had
a kind of faith in you.

No trouble for five years now.

I thought you were
a walking testimony

to the reformative powers
of the British penal system.

And then suddenly...

...you're running a minicab service
for nasty villains like Billy Gilpin.

I gave him a lift!
That's not a crime, is it?

It depends, I mean...

Say two scoundrels walk out of a shop
with a string of pearls

that doesn't belongs to them
and somebody gives them a lift.

That's a crime, isn't it?

Hey?

Yes!

What about attempted murder?
That a crime in your book?

Or aiding and abetting the escape
of a man wanted for attempted murder?

I don't know what he did.

I just told you.

- Well, he never mentioned it to me.
- What did he talk about, then?

Friends.

Like who?

Well... er... Klingman and Linhart
or something.

- Who are they?
- They wrote a song, apparently.

- Are you trying to be funny?
- No! That's what we talked about.

And Lord Ingrave.

- What's that, a boozer?
- He may be for all I know.

It's also the name of the man
that Billy tried to murder.

Well, if he did,
he never mentioned it to me.

Listen, Terry, I'm not asking you
to be a super grass.

I am advising a slightly more
co-operative attitude.

I mean, attempted murder on my patch
and I get somebody,

either the guy who did it or the guy
who helped him to get away.

Am I coming through
loud and clear?

- I've got the top one, have I?
- Looks like it.

It's OK by me.
I've had plenty of practice.

I've just done five in Durham.
Only out two weeks.

Bastards down here.
They don't give you a chance.

Attempted robbery, they say.

I could blow all of them, but they
give me a right kick on my way in.

Ah, stuff them, I'll say.
Stuff them.

- What you in for yourself?
- Not a lot.

I've been everywhere myself,
Maidenhead, Hull.

I've even been up in Peterhead.

I done pottery
and carpet weaving there.

They nicked you for it?

No! Inside.
Occupational therapy.

Bloody cold up there you know.

You don't say much, do you?

I don't get
a lot of chance with you!

Don't mind me.
I'm an outgoing sort of fellow.

I like getting on with people.

- I sussed that.
- Straight, I am.

But like
you...

You seem worried. You know?
Depressed.

First time in, is it?

- Don't worry.
- Get it off my chest?

Yeah, why not? Best way!
What they call you?

They call me Colin. Big Col usually.

- Yeah, I know you.
- You do? You heard of me?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Probably end up my best pal,
won't you?

In a fit of depression and remorse
I tell you my life story,

what I've done and how I did it.

Next time I see you will be in the
witness box swearing my life away.

Hey!

You've got it all wrong!
I just want to be your friend.

Great, but I've had enough
of friends for today. OK?

Terry...
Don't go nipping off to Majorca.

We may want you in again.

You've got me to thank
for getting you out of there!

I got you to thank
for getting me in there!

Nice, innit? Me walking around
dressed like this at this time of day!

Don't worry. All your friends will think
you've been to a tailor for a fitting.

Fit-up more likely.

When I think of the dinners I've
been to with some of those people!

A DI, I got him a deep freeze,
a giveaway price!

- It was a steal.
- Well, it was, wasn't it?

Beside the point!

They're not only getting younger,
they're getting stroppier!

Taxi!

They're just as bad.

You're not wearing a yashmak,
they don't want to know.

- So, what about Billy?
- You can never tell with him.

He might be doing a bit of
cross-Channel swimming.

In the motor he was talking
about topping himself.

Let's hope he made a phone call
about our dough before he does.

You are charming! I thought
he was a mate of yours!

So? I'll cry a little.
But I still want the dough!

Quick sauna, change of attire and
we'll nip over to Lady Ingrave's.

Who?

Lady Anna Claire Ingrave!
Who is...

Who is the wife of the geezer
Billy tried to murder, right?

That is their personal,
private business.

But our wages,
that's something else, innit.

Taxi!

- I'll see you later.
- Yeah.

It wouldn't be Terrence McCann,
would it?

Don't do a runner.
We're not the Old Bill.

Hard to tell these days.

No aggravation,
just want to talk to you.

Same pattern and all. That's what they
said. Kept me in for bleeding hours.

Bobby Altman gets to the point
much quicker.

- Who?
- A good friend of Billy Gilpin.

I knew that word would
come into it somewhere.

Hey?

Friends. I mean Billy,
very into friends.

Come.

Stewie, how much has he done?

On his fourth mile.

Do a bit of jogging, do you Terry?

Now and again.

Squash, tennis, badminton?

Nah.

- Work out in the gym?
- A bit.

I remember you fighting,
badly handled.

I made your mug come a long way.

Now you're an even bigger mug.

Somebody gets a jug
of fresh orange juice.

- You work for Arthur Daley.
- Hey?

You work for Arthur Daley,
don't you?

Sort of.

Do you know what he is?

He's two bob.
He's a financial midget.

Try the speedball, Terry.

No, I'm all right.

He said "try it".

See, I run four miles,
I take a shower, I sit down...

...and my pulse is normal.

I've got a very slow heartbeat,
56 to the minute.

Athletes half my age
would like a pulse rate like that.

That's what makes me
such a calm and rational man.

Know when it quickens?

Talk about money and it quickens.

Talk about money that's been
stolen from me and it races.

Billy Gilpin stole money from me
and you helped him get away.

- Billy's dead.
- You believe that?

I don't know, they reckon
he just walked into the water.

Bullshit! With 70 grand
he couldn't walk underwater!

- Look, all I did was give him a lift.
- What does that make you?

He mates with the geezer
who gave him a lift and that's all!

It makes you an accomplice.

It makes you the man
that helped steal money from me.

Now look...

Don't tell me "look"!
I'll tell you "look"!

Now see, I'm excited.
Now I'm angry.

And what happens?
My heart starts racing.

The Ayatollah, you heard of him?

- Yeah.
- Well, I'm a fan.

You steal,
you get a hand cut off.

You steal from me and never mind
about the referendum,

never mind free votes
in the House of Commons,

you steal from me and that is
the return of capital punishment!

Well, I plead
diminished responsibility.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- I didn't know what it was about.

You didn't wonder
what was in his case?

He didn't have a case.

So, his pockets were bulging.

No. His eye was bulging
and he had a dodgy leg.

Oh, and you're
St John's Ambulance?

Anybody out of sorts
and you give them a helping hand.

Big pal of yours, is he?

I'd never even met him before.

Can you believe that, chaps?
This guy is terrific.

The last of the English gents.

I was just doing a favour!

Oh, that's nice. You do a favour.

That's a nice thing to do.
I may even believe you.

Now you're in my house,
you've seen the gym.

I've got staff.

Stuart...

Come down from Scotland,
ten bob in his sporran.

Now he's well dressed, lives well.

He's got a gold Dupont lighter
and he don't even smoke!

Know what a bearer bond is?

Of course, you don't!
They're like money.

You take them into a bank
and they pay you out, face value.

That's what we've been doing,
France, Switzerland, Germany.

Don't ask how we got them
but we're selling them.

You need a bit of front for that.

You need to look right.
That's why Billy is on the firm.

So, temptation falls in his path,

if he don't have the money on him,
somebody's looking after it.

Logical.

How did he come to you?

Arthur brought him.

Two and two, Terry.

You need a pocket calculator
for that?

Of course, you don't!

Go and tell Arthur,
tell him I want my money back.

Tell him if I don't get it,
he's a dead man.

I could punch holes in you, Terry.
Know why?

Alan and George
will be holding you down.

Tell Arthur.

Bobby Auldman? Ha-ha!
Don't make me laugh!

I used to know him
out of the East End.

- He used to thieve off thieves.
- That's not all that easy, is it?

Kill me?
How's he going to kill me?

I should imagine
he'd have a variety of ways.

He'd have ways other people
haven't even thought of.

Yeah, you'd better stick around,
hadn't you?

Yeah!

Lady Ingrave?

- Yes?
- I'm Arthur Daley.

Don't mind Beluga.

Oh! My favourite caviar
as it happens.

Beluga, shush.

You'd better come in.

It's all there!

Yeah, yeah. Of course.

Well?

Yeah, well, we'll erm...
We'll be getting along.

Terry!

- It is Terry, isn't it?
- Yeah.

I'd like to thank you
for what you did for Billy.

I didn't realise you were friends.
Have you spoken to him?

Yes. He called me from the hotel.

He was very grateful.

It's nice to know, ain't it?
By the way...

- How's your husband?
- Very ill.

He may even die.

- That was a bit strong, wasn't it?
- Are you kidding?

Her old man dies,
Billy might be dead,

where does that leave me,
or you for that matter?

I'm not worried
about Bobby Auldman.

- You should be.
- Why?

His Roller is coming down the road.

- Has he seen us?
- I don't think so.

- You'd better make yourself scarce.
- What about you?

I'll stay here and see who else
they've invited to the party.

Yeah.
Take care of yourself.

- You sure they've gone in?
- Yeah, yeah.

Walk your dog, lady?

What do you want?

I think it's what we call
owning up time.

- I have nothing to say.
- I've got a few things to say...

- Please leave me alone!
- You haven't been exactly straight...

If you don't go,
I shall call the police.

Oh, yeah? What will you tell them?
All about Pretty Billy?

Your friend Bobby Auldman?
How you paid Arthur and me off?

What exactly do you want?

How about a little drink
for a start?

Sit, Beluga.

Thank you, Carlos.

- It's good, honestly!
- Shouldn't it have custard on it?

Terry, I think you're more
sophisticated than that.

Oh, yeah?

I'm trying to think of
a sophisticated way

to say something else.
Erm...

You
are Billy's mistress, right?

That's a very old-fashioned word.

I must have read it in a book.

All right, you and Billy were having
it off on the side, that better?

But Billy falls madly in love,
he wants to take you away

from the squalor you live in
to the squalor he lives in.

- How am I doing?
- Fair.

But being the little villain
he is,

he can't think of
a nice way to do it.

So, he has a go at your old man.

Not quite right.

- Well?
- My husband tried to murder Billy.

What Billy did was in self-defense.

- Did you tell the law that?
- Would it help?

Not many! It'd help Arthur and me
for a start, wouldn't it?

Would they believe it? I mean,
who would you believe, Terry?

A hereditary
peer of the realm or a...

Handsome little gangster
from Canning Town. Yeah.

If you like.

So, while these two were fighting,
what were you doing?

Nothing much.

What was the plan,
you and Billy going to run away?

Give us a lager.

Well, were you?

Maybe we were,
I don't know.

That's why he nicked the money.

What money?

Come on, Duchess!
Don't give me that!

Bobby Auldman has lost 70 grand.

Billy had it, Billy hid it.

My guess, he thought it would be enough to keep
you in the style to which you're accustomed.

What does it matter to you anyway?

What does it matter?!

Auldman thinks that Arthur
is keeping the money.

If Auldman doesn't get it back,
he'll kill Arthur!

And as I'm supposed to look
after Arthur

he'll probably have a pop
at me and all!

I thought that's what
you were paid for.

I wonder what Billy saw in you,
couldn't be your heart of gold.

- I think I'll go now.
- Uh-uh! Hold on, Duchess.

As everyone is so much into
friendship and favours,

maybe there's one you can do.

Such as?

Get your old man
to tell the truth to the law.

Excuse me.
What ward is Lord Ingrave in?

- Private wards down to your right.
- OK, cheers.

Thank you.

They won't let anyone else see him.

Did you tell him about
me and Arthur? Listen...

Oh! What are you doing here?

I'm a friend of the family suddenly.

- Mr. McCann wanted to see my husband.
- Did he?

Very considerate of you, Terry.
I believe he's making a recovery.

- He's much better, thank you.
- Good!

In fact,
good news all round.

They just fished Billy Gilpin's body
out of the sea.

- Somebody identified the body?
- Oh, yeah.

His sister's just been down there.
The tide carried him well out.

A fellow thought he'd hooked
a nice Dover sole

and comes up with Billy instead.

Didn't seem too bad considering,
always was a good-looking boy.

I was just going to let
Lord Ingrave know, my lady.

Thank you.

Come on.

If you will pardon
the expression, Terry,

this sort of lets you
off the hook, doesn't it?

Do you believe him?

Why not?

Billy was a very good swimmer.

He was going to set up
a fake suicide you mean?

So, all that stuff about depression and
topping himself was a load of crap?

I suppose so.

Just there to set me up
as part of the great conspiracy.

- I don't know!
- Well, then.

What do you know?

He was going to swim out to sea
for about a mile.

A friend was going to
pick him up in a launch.

They were going to land in Normandy.

Another friend was
going to drive him to Paris.

Must be great
having all them friends.

Come on.

I hope you're well-insured, Arthur.
You've just done our near side wing.

He didn't leave a message for me?

No, that's all right, no.

I'll hang around here.
He'll probably show up.

Yeah. Huh!

Yeah, cheers. Ta-da.

Excuse me.

Give us a gin and tonic, a large one

and a lager when you
got a minute, please.

Oh nice

- I thought you might have rung me!
- I meant to, honestly.

But erm...
What about tomorrow, 'ey?

Yeah, any luck I'll probably be out.

- Jane!
- Valerie!

Put it on the slate, will you?

Slice of lemon, all right?

It's all they've got
in the way of fruit.

Thanks.

So, this is it, 'ey?

The natural habitat of Terry McCann.

Yeah.

I'm surprised Billy didn't
bring you to places like this.

He was a champagne man.

Ow! That's right, yeah.
He kept on telling me.

But this is where
he belonged though.

I mean, what was he?
A little thief.

Now, see that geezer at the bar?

He's a thief,
a good one as it happens.

Now him, he'll steal and lie
but never land a friend in trouble.

You're one of the same species,
are you?

Except I don't steal.

You beat people up for a living.

Who told you that?

No, I escort drunks to the door.

Sometimes I look after people
who can't look after themselves,

but I never cause trouble,
I try and stop it.

How do you recognise it?

It's not difficult after a while.

You soon come to recognise whether
it's just the booze talking.

Geezers going on about how many
fights they've had.

But they're no threats at all.

Then there's the other mob,
cold, blue eyes, smart suits,

think they should have been in
Day Of The Jackal.

They're terrific at shouting
at birds in the typing pool.

Now in my game
you don't look for trouble,

you just keep an eye out
for the guys who start it.

And you're always right!

Right, me?
No, you're kidding.

No, you see there's one mob
who you can never recognise.

- Nutters.
- What do they look like?

That's the trouble, you see.
They look like anybody.

They look like you, Duchess.

Hello, Bob.
Bit of a misunderstanding, 'ey?

Is there?

You look older, Arthur.

Well, time marches on and all that.

- You're looking well.
- I said not to hurt him!

He got lippy in the motor!

I was expecting 70 grand.

No, you got it all wrong, Bob.
You see, all I did was...

Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.
I heard it all from Terry.

- Did he give you my message?
- Yeah.

Thought a few nights at the hotel
they'll forget about it.

Then you heard Billy really was dead
and you thought, "Hello!"

Suddenly it's Christmas!

- I heard nothing!
- Don't lie!

I can stand a thief.
I can't stand a liar.

You haven't changed.

You were two bob in the old days,
you're still two bob.

Now see? You've upset me.

I'm sorry about that.

I said, "No violence.
Don't hurt him."

I've got to calm down.

- I'm sorry about that.
- Shut up!

Give him a camp bed and a Lilo.

We'll make an early start
in the morning, Arthur.

Bob?

Bob?

So, you and your old man
were the front for Auldman,

poncing around Europe
selling dodgy bearer bonds.

More or less.

Oh, dear, I bet Auldman loved that.

Well, of course he did.
New money craves old respectability.

Then why screw it all up
by falling for Pretty Billy?

He was very good company.

That's what my mum said
about our old Labrador.

Then I probably
would have liked him.

Yeah, you probably would.

He was a right little
scallywag and all.

What are you, Duchess?

A villains' groupie?

I loved Billy.

Maybe you did.

But he ain't coming back, is he?

- He don't need the money any more.
- And does Auldman?

Oh, not many!

Listen, he needs it more than...

What did you call it?
The "old respectability".

He needs it enough, Duchess,

to put you in a hospital bed
next to your husband

if I tell him about you and Billy.

- And would you?
- Oh, yes!

I've got a friend, too.

Now come on, Duchess.
The money.

A bit warm in that cellar
was it, Arthur?

No! No, it's OK.

You look a mess.

- Get your clothes off.
- 'Ey?

Undress.

- What for?
- Because I said so.

Look, honest to God.
You've got it all wrong!

Go to my house, turn it upside down.
You won't find any money.

Well, obviously, a bob or two,
but you won't find your money!

I believe you.
Because you've hid it somewhere else.

On my boy Terry's life.

Clothes off!

Wh' What are you going to do?

I've got it!

Arthur thinks it's torture!

Strip off,
electrodes on the private parts.

What do you think we are,
some nasty little South London team?

This is Happy Hampstead, Arthur,
London's lung somebody called it.

That's why I live up here
because it's healthy.

Give him his gear.

We're going for a run.

You're joking! I don't run.

We're about the same age,
aren't we?

I'm in perfect condition.

Look at you, Arthur,
a bit flabby.

Too much of the old vodka.

Still smoke, late nights,
chasing after young birds.

You could lose two stone, no bother.

Change your whole life,
change your outlook.

Know what a run does for you?
Clears the mind.

Business problems,
whoosh, float away.

And with the mind clear,
it helps the memory.

Things come back to you.
You'd be surprised.

See, I've got a Cartier watch.

I couldn't find it.
I've shouted at the dear wife.

I've even thought the lads
had nicked it or the au pair.

I went out for a run
and what happened?

Suddenly I remembered!
I'd left it in the tweed jacket.

The tweed jacket!
See, that's what a run did for me.

It found me a couple
of grand's worth of watch.

There you are!
You look fitter already.

Tell you what, Arthur.
You could do a runner!

- This jogging, it's not my game.
- Of course, it is!

On your mark, Arthur.
Get set. Go!

- See? It's quite easy, isn't it?
- Yeah. OK.

Come on, Arthur! A lot of doctors
don't approve if you're out of condition.

Never too much, too soon.

Some fellows, their legs go first
like old fighters.

Then their lungs begin to tighten.

Hey, Bobby's taking him
over the cross-country bit now.

Suppose, you could say he's going
to run him into the ground!

Yeah!
We'd better turn around.

It's bleeding McCann!

Have him off the road.

I read the statistics,
heart attacks.

If you drop dead, Arthur,
what do they find?

Just another old jogger!

- The money, Arthur!
- I don't know!

Then run!

- You've been abusing your body.
- You're killing me and I don't know!

Nice, big, deep breaths!

Then you can tell me!

See? Great what a little exercise
can do for you, innit?

Innit just?

- Aren't you going to count it?
- No. Terry, no.

No. You've got an honest face.

Leave it out, Stuart.
He'll slaughter you.

Come on, mate.
You're all right. Up you get.

Come on, Arthur. Come on.
There you go. That's it.

Terry?

I'm a goner!

The watch,
you have the watch.

Look after her indoors.

Don't tell her too much.

You're all right. Get to your feet.
Come on, that's it.

Yeah. Good deep breaths.
Come on, come on.

In a minute.
I'm going.

Oh! I need the kiss of life!

I'm sorry about that, mate.

Listen, have a cigar, 'ey?

Come on.

Oh, Terry!

You're a pal!

Yeah, mate.
Where would we be without them, 'ey?

Come on, come on!

Up here.

♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation

♪ Right people right time

♪ Just the wrong location

♪ I've got a good idea

♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ I'll do it like you want me to

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you ♪